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A Grief Sanctified: Passing Through Grief to Peace and Joy
Richard Baxter, a prominent 17th-century pastor and author, was devastated when his wife, Margaret, died at the age of 45. One month after her death, he penned a lover's tribute and a believer's celebration of God's love. Beloved theologian J.I. Packer has edited Baxter's memoir for today's reader and has included it along with his own wise reflections--offering encouragement for those who have known or are now suffering grief .
208 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1998
About the author
J.I. Packer
449 books970 followersJ. I. Packer (1926–2020) is regarded as one of the most well-known theologians of our time. Once named to Time magazine's list of the 25 Most Influential Evangelicals in America, Packer served as Board of Governors' Professor of Theology at Regent College in Vancouver, British Columbia. His books include Knowing God, Praying, A Quest for Godliness, Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God, and Rediscovering Holiness.
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
September 23, 2024
One of my Goodreads categories is "bathroom books." These are titles that I've plodded through a page or two, a paragraph or two at a time while answering nature's call. Since I could not find Richard Baxter's memoir of his wife in audio*, this edition with Packer's commentary was my best option.
First, it's odd to me that, though Baxter's work makes up the bulk of this volume, Packer alone is listed as the author. That's a fail on Crossway's part. As is its addiction to endnotes—a lazy, reader-inimical practice.
I was interested in the book for the record of how Richard ministered to his wife's frailties. Unfortunately, well-meaning friends dissuaded him from writing about how their marriage came about—that would have been most interesting! Richard shares passages from Margaret's own writing, his letters to her, and other reflections to show her struggles to truly believe and internalize the gospel. He writes, "When we were married, her sadness and melancholy vanished. Counsel did something to it, and contentment something; and being taken up with our household affairs did somewhat." First, this is a great comeback to people who say dumb things like, "Marriage won't solve all of your problems." Well, duh. But it just might solve some of them, so knock it off with the attitude that it won't solve any. Second, the solutions it can bring, according to Richard, are access to wise and loving counsel, the contentment that comes from having desires met, and the healthy distraction of having to focus on one's calling as a wife. Richard sees his responsibility to live with his wife with understanding. Part of that is seeing rightly the nature of her trials: "It is not God's or our enemies' afflicting us in worldly losses or sufferings... which is half so painful as our own inward infirmities. A man's spirit can bear his infirmities of outward crosses, but a wounded spirit who can bear?" She needed correction, but even more, she needed compassion. Compassion, indeed, is often the best means of correction. Richard provided that, though, he admits, not perfectly: "I was apt...to be impatient with her impatiency and with every trouble of her mind, not enough considering how great tenderness...she needed." The best way to persuade someone of the truth of God's love is to love them truly. All of the sermons and scoldings about their unbelief will do nothing without that.
My only criticisms of Richard would be resolved if I could time travel and take him a copy of The Things of Earth and a good book on marriage. His too-harsh disdain of material things and his ridiculous take on clergy marriage needed correction.
Packer's commentary at the end of the book compared it with A Grief Observed. It was very interesting to see the similarities and differences between Baxter's and Lewis's experiences of grief.
*If you are inclined to make an audiobook of a public domain work, for pity's sake do not make the eighty-seventh version of a popular title; rather, make the first version of one that's never been recorded. Fill a need that hasn't been filled yet!
First, it's odd to me that, though Baxter's work makes up the bulk of this volume, Packer alone is listed as the author. That's a fail on Crossway's part. As is its addiction to endnotes—a lazy, reader-inimical practice.
I was interested in the book for the record of how Richard ministered to his wife's frailties. Unfortunately, well-meaning friends dissuaded him from writing about how their marriage came about—that would have been most interesting! Richard shares passages from Margaret's own writing, his letters to her, and other reflections to show her struggles to truly believe and internalize the gospel. He writes, "When we were married, her sadness and melancholy vanished. Counsel did something to it, and contentment something; and being taken up with our household affairs did somewhat." First, this is a great comeback to people who say dumb things like, "Marriage won't solve all of your problems." Well, duh. But it just might solve some of them, so knock it off with the attitude that it won't solve any. Second, the solutions it can bring, according to Richard, are access to wise and loving counsel, the contentment that comes from having desires met, and the healthy distraction of having to focus on one's calling as a wife. Richard sees his responsibility to live with his wife with understanding. Part of that is seeing rightly the nature of her trials: "It is not God's or our enemies' afflicting us in worldly losses or sufferings... which is half so painful as our own inward infirmities. A man's spirit can bear his infirmities of outward crosses, but a wounded spirit who can bear?" She needed correction, but even more, she needed compassion. Compassion, indeed, is often the best means of correction. Richard provided that, though, he admits, not perfectly: "I was apt...to be impatient with her impatiency and with every trouble of her mind, not enough considering how great tenderness...she needed." The best way to persuade someone of the truth of God's love is to love them truly. All of the sermons and scoldings about their unbelief will do nothing without that.
My only criticisms of Richard would be resolved if I could time travel and take him a copy of The Things of Earth and a good book on marriage. His too-harsh disdain of material things and his ridiculous take on clergy marriage needed correction.
Packer's commentary at the end of the book compared it with A Grief Observed. It was very interesting to see the similarities and differences between Baxter's and Lewis's experiences of grief.
*If you are inclined to make an audiobook of a public domain work, for pity's sake do not make the eighty-seventh version of a popular title; rather, make the first version of one that's never been recorded. Fill a need that hasn't been filled yet!
August 4, 2026
Fantastic. Half J.I. Packer/half Richard Baxter.
Potentially the book was mistitled: I think it was more about (1) Christian living/holiness and (2) marriage, and only then about (3) grief (though it did deal with grief for sure). Packer introduces Richard and Margaret Baxter, who had a 21 year age gap and were married for 19 years. After her death, Baxter writes a biographical account of his wife, delving into her Christian journey and their life together as husband and wife. A good amount of this biography appears in the book. The book is super encouraging and humorously relatable. After reading it I feel amused, because human nature is what it is and therefore marriage is what it is, encouraged, because Margaret's Christian experience was relatably flawed yet very real, and honestly a bit heavy, because my wife and I are mortals too and will one day go through this exact kind of experience. I come away determined to enjoy the current season.
A great book to read while preaching Ecclesiastes.
“I’ll pray that your thoughts may be turned to the magnifying of God's love, that you may remember that he is as good as he is great, and that you may be more conscious of his mercy than of your own unworthiness.” — Margaret Baxter
“…she was better at resolving a case of conscience than most divines that ever I knew in all my life. I often put cases to her which she suddenly so resolved as to convince me of some degree of oversight in my own resolution. Insomuch that of late years, I confess, that I was used to put all, save secret cases, to her and hear what she could say. Abundance of difficulties were brought me, some about restitution, some about injuries, some about references, some about vows, some about marriage promises, and many such like; and she would lay all the circumstances presently together, compare them, and give me a more exact resolution than I could do.” — Richard Baxter
“And in this respect she was the meetest helper that I could have had in the world (that ever I was acquainted with); for I was apt to be over-careless in my speech and too backward to my duty, and she was always endeavoring to bring me to greater wariness and strictness in both. If I spoke rashly or sharply, it offended her; if I behaved (as I was apt) with too much neglect of ceremony or humble compliment to any, she would modestly tell me of it; if my very looks seemed not pleasant, she would have me amend them (which my weak pained state of body undisposed me to do); if I forgot any week to catechize my servants and familiarly instruct them personally (besides my ordinary family duties), she was troubled at my remissness. And whereas of lat years my declining vitality and diseased heaviness and pain made me much more seldom and cold in profitable conference and discourse in my house than I had been when I was younger and had more ease and spirits and natural vigor, she much blamed me and was troubled at it, as a wrong to herself and others; though yet her judgment agreed with mine, that too much and often table talk of the best things doth but tend to dull the common hearers and harden them under it as a customary thing, and that too much good talk may bring it into contempt or make it ineffectual.” — Richard Baxter
On being overly righteous (Ecc 7:16):
“That action which compared with the object cannot possibly be overwise and righteous, yet as compared with the agent or subject may be too much. No man can know, believe, or love God wo much, answerable to his perfections; but one may possibly be transported with so earnest a desire of God, Christ, Christian society, holiness, and heaven as may be more than head and health can bear, and so it may be too much for the subject. …Therefore the probable effects must be weighed. He that should meditate, read, yea, love God so intensely as to distract him, would do it overmuch. He that would do a good work precisely, when the exactness would hinder the substance of another, perhaps a better work, would be righteous overmuch. And I thought this the case sometime of my dear wife. She set her head and heart so intensely upon doing good that her head and body would hardly bear it. As holy set [i.e., topical and systematic] meditation is no duty to a melancholy person that cannot do it without confusion and danger of distraction, so many other duties are no duties when they will do more harm than good. And a man is limited in his capacity and his time. No man can do all the good he would, and to omit a greater for the better doing of a lesser, or to omit the substance of the one for exacter doing of another, I thought was to be unrighteous by being righteous overmuch.” — Richard Baxter
“For though she oft said that before she married me she expected more sourness and unsuitableness than she found; yet I am sure that she found less zeal and holiness and strictness in all words and looks and duties, and less help for her soul, than she expected.”
“My dear wife was faulty indeed in talking so little of religion in company (except it were unresistable to confute in few words an opposer or reviler of religion). But her religion lay in doing more than talk. Yet her example tells us that it is one of Satan's wiles to draw us to one sin to avoid another, and to make us think that nothing is a duty that hath great inconveniences, or which we can foresee some men will receive hurt from; and so to be unrighteous by being righteous overmuch, and leave much undone for fear of doing it amiss; by which rule we should scarce ever do anything that God commands. He that observeth the wind shall not sow, and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap, Ecclesiastes 11:4. I speak this on her (at last confessed) error of omitting reasonable speech and duty for fear of hypocrisy and ostentation (which my great friend, Judge Hale, was just so guilty of, as I know, and the writer. of his Life confess; he would make no great show of zeal in religion lest, if he did anything amiss, religion should be reproached for his sake).” — Richard Baxter
“And the pleasing of a wife is usually no easy task. There is an unsuitableness in the best and wisest and most alike. Faces are not so unlike as the apprehensions of the mind. They that agree in religion, in love and interest, yet may have different apprehensions about occasional occurrences, persons, things, words, etc. That will seem the best way to one that seems the worst to the other. And passions are apt to succeed and serve these differences. Very good people are hard to be pleased. My own dear wife had high desires of my doing and speaking better than I did, but my badness made it hard for me to do better. But this was my benefit; for it was but to put me on to be better, as God himself will be pleased. That it is hard to please God and holy persons is only our fault. But there are too many that will not be pleased unless you will contribute to their sin, their pride, their wastefulness, their superfluities and childish fancies, their covetousness and passions; and too many who have such passions that it requireth greater skill to please them than almost any that the wisest can attain. And the discontents and displeasures of one that is so near you will be as thorns and nettles in your bed.” — Richard Baxter
“And here you may see how necessary patience is and to have a mind fortified beforehand against all sorts of sufferings, that in our patience we may possess our souls. And that the dearest friends must expect to find much in one another that must be boine with, and exercise our patience. We are all imperfect. It hath made me many a time wonder at the prelates that can think it is the way to concord of millions, to force them to consent to all their impositions, even of words and promises and ceremonies, and that in things where conscience must be cautious; whereas even husband and wife, master and servants, have almost daily differences in judging of their common affairs.” — Richard Baxter
“Death will quickly draw the veil and make us see how near we were to God and one another, and did not sufficiently know it.” — Richard Baxter
"Thus must thy flesh to silent dust descend,
Thy mirth and worldly pleasure thus will end:
Then happy, holy souls, but woe to those
Who heaven forgot, and earthly pleasures chose:
Hear now this preaching grave without delay,
Believe, repent, and work while it is day." — Inscription on Margaret Baxter's tombstone
Potentially the book was mistitled: I think it was more about (1) Christian living/holiness and (2) marriage, and only then about (3) grief (though it did deal with grief for sure). Packer introduces Richard and Margaret Baxter, who had a 21 year age gap and were married for 19 years. After her death, Baxter writes a biographical account of his wife, delving into her Christian journey and their life together as husband and wife. A good amount of this biography appears in the book. The book is super encouraging and humorously relatable. After reading it I feel amused, because human nature is what it is and therefore marriage is what it is, encouraged, because Margaret's Christian experience was relatably flawed yet very real, and honestly a bit heavy, because my wife and I are mortals too and will one day go through this exact kind of experience. I come away determined to enjoy the current season.
A great book to read while preaching Ecclesiastes.
“I’ll pray that your thoughts may be turned to the magnifying of God's love, that you may remember that he is as good as he is great, and that you may be more conscious of his mercy than of your own unworthiness.” — Margaret Baxter
“…she was better at resolving a case of conscience than most divines that ever I knew in all my life. I often put cases to her which she suddenly so resolved as to convince me of some degree of oversight in my own resolution. Insomuch that of late years, I confess, that I was used to put all, save secret cases, to her and hear what she could say. Abundance of difficulties were brought me, some about restitution, some about injuries, some about references, some about vows, some about marriage promises, and many such like; and she would lay all the circumstances presently together, compare them, and give me a more exact resolution than I could do.” — Richard Baxter
“And in this respect she was the meetest helper that I could have had in the world (that ever I was acquainted with); for I was apt to be over-careless in my speech and too backward to my duty, and she was always endeavoring to bring me to greater wariness and strictness in both. If I spoke rashly or sharply, it offended her; if I behaved (as I was apt) with too much neglect of ceremony or humble compliment to any, she would modestly tell me of it; if my very looks seemed not pleasant, she would have me amend them (which my weak pained state of body undisposed me to do); if I forgot any week to catechize my servants and familiarly instruct them personally (besides my ordinary family duties), she was troubled at my remissness. And whereas of lat years my declining vitality and diseased heaviness and pain made me much more seldom and cold in profitable conference and discourse in my house than I had been when I was younger and had more ease and spirits and natural vigor, she much blamed me and was troubled at it, as a wrong to herself and others; though yet her judgment agreed with mine, that too much and often table talk of the best things doth but tend to dull the common hearers and harden them under it as a customary thing, and that too much good talk may bring it into contempt or make it ineffectual.” — Richard Baxter
On being overly righteous (Ecc 7:16):
“That action which compared with the object cannot possibly be overwise and righteous, yet as compared with the agent or subject may be too much. No man can know, believe, or love God wo much, answerable to his perfections; but one may possibly be transported with so earnest a desire of God, Christ, Christian society, holiness, and heaven as may be more than head and health can bear, and so it may be too much for the subject. …Therefore the probable effects must be weighed. He that should meditate, read, yea, love God so intensely as to distract him, would do it overmuch. He that would do a good work precisely, when the exactness would hinder the substance of another, perhaps a better work, would be righteous overmuch. And I thought this the case sometime of my dear wife. She set her head and heart so intensely upon doing good that her head and body would hardly bear it. As holy set [i.e., topical and systematic] meditation is no duty to a melancholy person that cannot do it without confusion and danger of distraction, so many other duties are no duties when they will do more harm than good. And a man is limited in his capacity and his time. No man can do all the good he would, and to omit a greater for the better doing of a lesser, or to omit the substance of the one for exacter doing of another, I thought was to be unrighteous by being righteous overmuch.” — Richard Baxter
“For though she oft said that before she married me she expected more sourness and unsuitableness than she found; yet I am sure that she found less zeal and holiness and strictness in all words and looks and duties, and less help for her soul, than she expected.”
“My dear wife was faulty indeed in talking so little of religion in company (except it were unresistable to confute in few words an opposer or reviler of religion). But her religion lay in doing more than talk. Yet her example tells us that it is one of Satan's wiles to draw us to one sin to avoid another, and to make us think that nothing is a duty that hath great inconveniences, or which we can foresee some men will receive hurt from; and so to be unrighteous by being righteous overmuch, and leave much undone for fear of doing it amiss; by which rule we should scarce ever do anything that God commands. He that observeth the wind shall not sow, and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap, Ecclesiastes 11:4. I speak this on her (at last confessed) error of omitting reasonable speech and duty for fear of hypocrisy and ostentation (which my great friend, Judge Hale, was just so guilty of, as I know, and the writer. of his Life confess; he would make no great show of zeal in religion lest, if he did anything amiss, religion should be reproached for his sake).” — Richard Baxter
“And the pleasing of a wife is usually no easy task. There is an unsuitableness in the best and wisest and most alike. Faces are not so unlike as the apprehensions of the mind. They that agree in religion, in love and interest, yet may have different apprehensions about occasional occurrences, persons, things, words, etc. That will seem the best way to one that seems the worst to the other. And passions are apt to succeed and serve these differences. Very good people are hard to be pleased. My own dear wife had high desires of my doing and speaking better than I did, but my badness made it hard for me to do better. But this was my benefit; for it was but to put me on to be better, as God himself will be pleased. That it is hard to please God and holy persons is only our fault. But there are too many that will not be pleased unless you will contribute to their sin, their pride, their wastefulness, their superfluities and childish fancies, their covetousness and passions; and too many who have such passions that it requireth greater skill to please them than almost any that the wisest can attain. And the discontents and displeasures of one that is so near you will be as thorns and nettles in your bed.” — Richard Baxter
“And here you may see how necessary patience is and to have a mind fortified beforehand against all sorts of sufferings, that in our patience we may possess our souls. And that the dearest friends must expect to find much in one another that must be boine with, and exercise our patience. We are all imperfect. It hath made me many a time wonder at the prelates that can think it is the way to concord of millions, to force them to consent to all their impositions, even of words and promises and ceremonies, and that in things where conscience must be cautious; whereas even husband and wife, master and servants, have almost daily differences in judging of their common affairs.” — Richard Baxter
“Death will quickly draw the veil and make us see how near we were to God and one another, and did not sufficiently know it.” — Richard Baxter
"Thus must thy flesh to silent dust descend,
Thy mirth and worldly pleasure thus will end:
Then happy, holy souls, but woe to those
Who heaven forgot, and earthly pleasures chose:
Hear now this preaching grave without delay,
Believe, repent, and work while it is day." — Inscription on Margaret Baxter's tombstone
February 3, 2009
What can one say about the profound truths found in this gem? I haven't enough good things to impart! This is an expression of grief from a husband who misses and loved his recenty deceased wife. While relaying their personal life, the things he loved about her, her weaknesses and her wisdom, we find a very womanly woman and a very human reationship. It is such a reflection of the gospel and the truths that Christ brings to those whom He redeems. Such a little known but much needed reality check in our world of comfort and also private suffering and grief! LOVE this book! It has had a HUGE impact on my personal walk with the Savior!
June 1, 2015
The book has a very lovely book cover and story plot. I give this book 5 stars.
July 11, 2014
A little disappointing. Packer writes too much and repeats some of what Baxter says. I'm often thinking, "I know I already read this." It's as much a biography of Baxter's wife as him. He doesn't write as much about dealing with grief as I had hoped.
August 2, 2017
Reading J I Packer is always rewarding but at times difficult for me. Only because he is on a different plane. Add Baxter to the mix in his 1600s wisdom akin to CS Lewis and I pedal hard to stay up.
However, the love story of his marriage and his walk in grief is worth the work. Packer's Part Three, The Grieving Process, provided Packer's thoughts on grief from bereavement which resonated loudly.
Packer's time and effort to comment on Baxter's Breviate shows his commitment and belief in an old but still relevant way to love and grieve our wives. It is worth a look.
However, the love story of his marriage and his walk in grief is worth the work. Packer's Part Three, The Grieving Process, provided Packer's thoughts on grief from bereavement which resonated loudly.
Packer's time and effort to comment on Baxter's Breviate shows his commitment and belief in an old but still relevant way to love and grieve our wives. It is worth a look.
May 10, 2026
It's honest but did little to keep my attention or help me process my grief.
May 10, 2024
Meet Richard Baxter - Know a Puritan Marriage - See a Christian Handle Grief Faithfully
The review title is from Packer’s Epilogue where he answers the question, “Why did I put this book together?”
This book is mostly composed of Baxter’s “Breviate of the Life of Margaret Baxter”. Amended to this original publication are incredibly insightful and helpful comments and clarifications from Packer. One would guess that Packer knew the man, which in a sense he did. Again from the Epilogue Packer says, “Through his [Baxter’s] writings, he has been a close personal friend of mine for over half a century” and this closeness is apparent in the commentary.
This book MAY make you cry, it WILL make you think, and it SHOULD - by the example of Richard and Margaret Baxter, and the grace of God - drive each of us to joyfully give all glory to God, both in life and in death.
The review title is from Packer’s Epilogue where he answers the question, “Why did I put this book together?”
This book is mostly composed of Baxter’s “Breviate of the Life of Margaret Baxter”. Amended to this original publication are incredibly insightful and helpful comments and clarifications from Packer. One would guess that Packer knew the man, which in a sense he did. Again from the Epilogue Packer says, “Through his [Baxter’s] writings, he has been a close personal friend of mine for over half a century” and this closeness is apparent in the commentary.
This book MAY make you cry, it WILL make you think, and it SHOULD - by the example of Richard and Margaret Baxter, and the grace of God - drive each of us to joyfully give all glory to God, both in life and in death.
Want to Read
July 18, 2012I've been wanting to read this one for awhile. I've heard it called the single best book on Christian suffering. Carl Trueman writes:
"So much wisdom packed into so few pages. And as we all know, even the most devoted marriage ultimately ends in tragedy. Baxter’s bereavement awaits the marriages of us all."
"So much wisdom packed into so few pages. And as we all know, even the most devoted marriage ultimately ends in tragedy. Baxter’s bereavement awaits the marriages of us all."
March 24, 2015
Read this almost a year after my father passed away. It's an accurate title, our hope in Christ gets us through grief and sanctifies us in the process. God showed me, through this book, how my hope in Jesus lead me through that hard season and made me trust in Him even more. A must-read if you want to understand what a godly grief looks like in a Christian life.
March 1, 2008
A wonderful book. One of the best I have ever read. It should be read alongside Lewis's A Grief Observed in that Packer references it constantly and because Packer is able to take Baxter's experience and give some practical things to work through in the grieving process. Great book.
July 8, 2013
Outstanding. Worth reading if only for Packers brilliant application of Baxters writing to today's Christian.
Poignant, moving and deeply practical advice for anyone suffering loss.
Poignant, moving and deeply practical advice for anyone suffering loss.
August 14, 2013
Helpful, but not comprehensive.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews