Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back

by Gail Saltz

The Today show's psychiatrist shows readers how to stop living half a life, break old patterns, and take control

You have a story. The one you're not even aware you're telling yourself, the one you made up as a child to explain the behavior of your parents, the lack of control over your circumstances, the one that's keeping you from becoming more confident, the story that's keeping you from the five qualities of becoming
Through revealing and intensive questionnaires, Dr. Gail Saltz helps you to finally identify self-defeating behaviors, improve your self-esteem, and escape your personal traps—the same difficult relationships, the same work problems, the same issues with family and friends—so that you can live with more freedom and control once and for all. Identify the symptoms, and you'll be able to discover—and rewrite—the story of your life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help

256 pages, Hardcover

First published May 11, 2004

Reviews

[Deb · Rating 5 out of 5]

*Finally living for real*

When I picked up Gail's book "Becoming Real" I knew that I had not been happy with my life for years. After I was a few chapters into her book, I discovered why I had not been happy. As I read on, I learned what "stories" I had been telling myself that were preventing me from achieving this happiness. I realized that it was not the rest of the world that was cheating me and overlooking my talents. It was me. By the end of the book, I knew what I had to do to rewrite my story. And, now, I'm proud to say that the plot of my life is a real page-turner. :-)
Gail's book helped me realize that I am in control of what I decide to do with my life. Sure, I could have continued to sit around feeling sorry for myself and look at how well "everyone else" was doing. But, thanks to some essential realizations I had while reading her book, I have learned how to really listen to myself, and what I truly want, regardless of what I think others may want me to do instead.

Putting an end to my roadblock stories has been so freeing. Gail's book helped me learn how to recognize and replace the "self-defeating" parts of my personality that held me back for years. If I had not read her book the other month, I probably would have continued to fret about how unhappy I was, without knowing what to do about it. But, with the insight I gained from Gail's book, I had the tools and courage to make some major changes in my life. After years of pursuing what I thought I should be doing with my life, I am now doing what I want to be doing.

But, I do need to warn you that "Becoming Real" does not guarantee a quick fix. Just as the case with therapy, you really have to be ready to make changes in your life. And, more importantly, you have to be willing to take a close look inside, and have the courage to see what is really there...and also, what is missing. For me, Gail's powerful words were catalysts for the even more powerful steps that I needed to take to "become real."

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not into self help books; I only read this because my therapist assigned to me as homework. A lot of what she said in this book resonated with me and this is the first (and hopefully only) self help type book to make me cry. I will say that this book is probably best read in the context of a therapeutic relationship but regardless, it can help heighten your insight.

[Joanna Doherty Salone · Rating 5 out of 5]

Spectacular and life changing!

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

My review from 2005: People develop coping mechanisms in childhood that stay with them into adulthood and cause them problems with other people and unhappiness. The original "story" is buried in the "unconscious" (I think the author would have done better with different word usage there). In order to change and become "real," i.e., responding to life as it is rather than reacting as a child to things perceived through filters of family dysfunctions, people must become aware of how their stories work and then work on the process of changing.

I agree with all this, and think it is key to personal growth. The author also gives steps for how to make these changes, and they are good ones. She gives many examples of individuals with these problems: how their stories originated, how they came to the crisis that motivated them to change, and how they worked on changing.

I am enthusiastic about all of the above. However, both her theories and the book have some flaws. The book's overall structure is excellent, but it has many instances of awkward phrasing and poor sentence construction. It could have used a more thorough edit. More importantly, I think her theories have some oversimplification. The most glaring one is that she identifies five personality types and says that everyone fits into one, with possible traits from others. The traits she identifies certainly are real, and many people obviously fit into one of her types. But I don't think everybody does - especially as one is reserved for women only! Also, I prefer, when looking at personality types, to identify positive traits of each one; her types are based on negative traits. I might call those traits negative coping mechanisms.

Overall, though, I liked the book a lot. It's accessible to the casual reader - not overly intellectual and easy to read.

[Leslie Graff]

Interesting take grounded in psychoanalysis. Very directed at women and focused on love/jobs/body issues. Basic gist is that we have stories because of our screwed up pasts and they get more screwed up as we try to work them out in our lives. Must undo the stories, heal the childhood trauma, and create new stories. Interesting but the twisted stories really could be read any way and it felt a little like magic to go from person x is having angry outbursts at work and doesn't know why to picking up a specific moment when mommy was mean. Not saying that isn't happening in the situation, but not sure a self help book is where people should diagnose these mysteries and solve all their problems. Okay book, but read for what its worth.

[Eireanne · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I'm glad to see this book has helped so many people become more self aware, and they have been able to risk being their authentic self and been rewarded by not being abandoned by those they need to survive, as that has not been my experience, I found it incredibly hard to relate to both the advice in the book as well as the scenarios presented.

[Sharon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book in the house and had no recollection of having read it previously. Even as I read it this time, I didn't remember seeing it before, so it's possible I bought it when it first came out with plans to read and never did so.

Anyway, Saltz talks about the ways we develop mental survival mechanisms as children: stories that we tell ourselves that serve us in our youth and that carry over into adulthood, where they seldom work nearly as well. She describes 10 personality types and what makes them that way ... as well as how to overcome the stories that created them.

What this book is really about is learning how to sit with your feelings and figure out what they're telling you. Feelings are created by thoughts about events, and being conscious that a) an event is neutral and b) what we think about that neutral thing that happened ... a fact, if you will ... is what creates the feelings, not the event itself.

Living consciously allows you to look at the thoughts you have and change them ... which in turn changes your response to life and the stories that you tell yourselves. This book would be a good adjunct to those by Martha Beck, Byron Katie, Jerry & Esther Hicks and similar ... but lacks the compassionate tone of the other authors.

[Maggie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting read on personalities and it also fit into the books I have been reading in regards to Reconsiliation & how we need to find that initial thought that was created to protect ourselves but have now become detrimental to our daily dealings with life. Once we can figure out what that thought is we can work on changing it to help us where we are as adults & not get stuck going back to our self protected yet faulted childhood, young adulthood defenses.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who like books that tell you there are two (or 3, or 6, or 10) types of people, and those who don't. I'm usually in the latter camp. But this book by Saltz actually has some valid psychological archetypes, and I found them useful for identifying some of my own patterns. Now if only I could change them ... sigh.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

OK, the title is terrible. But it turned out to be one of those books that makes so much sense that you start applying it's theories to everyone you know and trying to convince people to join the cult.

[Nadine in NY Jones · Rating 1 out of 5]

A bunch of common sense hooey, like many self-help books. I didn't bother finishing it, so perhaps it gets better.

[Caroline Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you know what you want to do but you think you can you can do it but then like you keep telling yourself a story that you can't do it even though you can do it.

[Chris · Rating 3 out of 5]

A well-written book that teaches us how to break unhealthy thinking patterns and keep us from realizing our God-given potential. It teaches us how to turn our painful experiences into power.

[cati · Rating 4 out of 5]

this was helpful

[~:epiphany:~ · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was awesome! Right to the point and a must read for everyone!