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Simple Goalkeeping Made Spectacular: A Riotous Footballing Memoir About the Loneliest Position on the Field
Shortlisted for the William Hill Sports Book of the Year
At the age of 52, a British writer gets the sudden call-up to play for the England soccer team in the World Cup competition. The team can’t find a goalkeeper and he’s going to have to come out of retirement. No it’s not a nightmare. The team is the England Writers XI, a chronically-unskilled collection of scribblers who can’t let go of their fantasies about being real footballers. Simple Goalkeeping Made Spectacular is a riotous footballing memoir about the loneliest position on the field, looking back on schoolboy triumphs and adult ignominy. From the chaos of coats-down park soccer mobs to the casual violence of pub teams, from the excitement of schoolboy shield winners to knackered old World Cup squads, it’s the goalie who always gets it in the neck. Every goalkeeperand every goalkeeper’s wife or girlfriendshould read this book.
208 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2009
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
September 18, 2014
At 52, respected genre novelist Graham Joyce is called up to the England Writers XI football team, to play in a tournament in Florence. Long since retired from kicking a ball, he decides to embrace the offer and goes into goal. This is the story of what happened, tied in with a history of the beautiful game and shot through with Graham’s humanity.
I read this is memory of Graham, who I’d been hoping to see at FantasyCon 2014 but he couldn’t attend and passed away two days later and I don’t think I could have made a better choice - earthy, funny, full of life and spirit, it’s a terrific read and you can almost hear him narrating it. Alternating chapters between the England Writers XI (first in Florence, later in Malmo) and a history - of the game, of goalkeeping, of his experiences of football and goalkeeping from childhood through to adulthood - this is thoroughly captivating and the humour is often laugh-out-loud funny. For example, he’s considering if, at age 52, he’s in shape - “I discuss it with my wife, Suzanne, who, of course, still thinks of me as a lithe Adonis, a shot-stopping lycra-clad superhero capable of near-magical feats of agility.”
“You bloody idiot!” she replies.
Along the way, he describes his team-mates (including horror writers Conrad Williams and Nick Royle) and his thoughts on literary writers (it isn’t pretty) and also deals with issues closer to home, of parenthood and fear of loss. At the time of writing, his dad was fighting recently diagnosed bladder cancer and Graham deals with it very movingly, quoting Mark Twain of how children see their fathers at different stages - how he’s strong and wise when you’re a kid, a peasant when you’re a teen, then strong and wise again. This extends to his being a strong advocate of kids playing outside, especially of kids and their dads playing together (as he and his son Joe did). As straightforward with them as his adult team-mates, he admits that he often tells them to “walk it off” if they get injured, rather than coddling them and the humour spikes again when he takes a ball direct to his “wedding equipment” and as he drops to his knees, groaning, he’s “surrounded by half a dozen gleeful little orcs singing “Walk it off! Walk it off!”, right in my face”.
Not a fan of how times have changed - he mentions teachers running football teams in their own time, playing outside and getting coated in mud and frozen by winter weather and details how Mr Ship, the PE teacher, would bundle kids into the back of his van to take them to football matches (“wouldn’t be allowed now, health and safety regulations”). A highlight for me was a wonderful section where he recalls playing for the team at the holiday camp he worked at over two summers - The Derbyshire Miners’ Holiday Camp, near Skegness (which is still there, we ate at the restaurant below it a couple of years ago). This is the key location for his fantastic and beautiful novel “The Year Of The Ladybird” and reading how he describes the camp and the people, it’s as if he’s sketching out plans for a novel he wouldn’t write for a few years.
It perhaps helps if you enjoy football, however fleetingly, but this is a wonderful book and the cover blurb has it right, it is indeed a “riotous memoir”, featuring a man who clearly loved life and enjoyed being in the thick of it. Moving and melancholic it might be at times but this is mostly upbeat, superbly well written and very funny and I would highly recommend it.
I read this is memory of Graham, who I’d been hoping to see at FantasyCon 2014 but he couldn’t attend and passed away two days later and I don’t think I could have made a better choice - earthy, funny, full of life and spirit, it’s a terrific read and you can almost hear him narrating it. Alternating chapters between the England Writers XI (first in Florence, later in Malmo) and a history - of the game, of goalkeeping, of his experiences of football and goalkeeping from childhood through to adulthood - this is thoroughly captivating and the humour is often laugh-out-loud funny. For example, he’s considering if, at age 52, he’s in shape - “I discuss it with my wife, Suzanne, who, of course, still thinks of me as a lithe Adonis, a shot-stopping lycra-clad superhero capable of near-magical feats of agility.”
“You bloody idiot!” she replies.
Along the way, he describes his team-mates (including horror writers Conrad Williams and Nick Royle) and his thoughts on literary writers (it isn’t pretty) and also deals with issues closer to home, of parenthood and fear of loss. At the time of writing, his dad was fighting recently diagnosed bladder cancer and Graham deals with it very movingly, quoting Mark Twain of how children see their fathers at different stages - how he’s strong and wise when you’re a kid, a peasant when you’re a teen, then strong and wise again. This extends to his being a strong advocate of kids playing outside, especially of kids and their dads playing together (as he and his son Joe did). As straightforward with them as his adult team-mates, he admits that he often tells them to “walk it off” if they get injured, rather than coddling them and the humour spikes again when he takes a ball direct to his “wedding equipment” and as he drops to his knees, groaning, he’s “surrounded by half a dozen gleeful little orcs singing “Walk it off! Walk it off!”, right in my face”.
Not a fan of how times have changed - he mentions teachers running football teams in their own time, playing outside and getting coated in mud and frozen by winter weather and details how Mr Ship, the PE teacher, would bundle kids into the back of his van to take them to football matches (“wouldn’t be allowed now, health and safety regulations”). A highlight for me was a wonderful section where he recalls playing for the team at the holiday camp he worked at over two summers - The Derbyshire Miners’ Holiday Camp, near Skegness (which is still there, we ate at the restaurant below it a couple of years ago). This is the key location for his fantastic and beautiful novel “The Year Of The Ladybird” and reading how he describes the camp and the people, it’s as if he’s sketching out plans for a novel he wouldn’t write for a few years.
It perhaps helps if you enjoy football, however fleetingly, but this is a wonderful book and the cover blurb has it right, it is indeed a “riotous memoir”, featuring a man who clearly loved life and enjoyed being in the thick of it. Moving and melancholic it might be at times but this is mostly upbeat, superbly well written and very funny and I would highly recommend it.
April 19, 2010
Graham Joyce writes excellent edgy horror-ish novels. That qualified him, at the age of 52 and with dodgy knees, to play in goal for the England Writers XI football squad (that, and the fact that they couldn't find another goalie). This book is a memoir of his international experiences with the team, on and off the pitch.
However, that's only the core material. Joyce uses any excuse to dive off into personal anecdote, rants about footballing authorities and meditations on the craft of goal-keeping. All of which is thoroughly entertaining, surprisingly informative and damned funny. It's a short book with a laugh on every page, and I defy anyone to not enjoy it.
However, that's only the core material. Joyce uses any excuse to dive off into personal anecdote, rants about footballing authorities and meditations on the craft of goal-keeping. All of which is thoroughly entertaining, surprisingly informative and damned funny. It's a short book with a laugh on every page, and I defy anyone to not enjoy it.
May 30, 2015
An amusing memoir of his time as the goalkeeper for the English Writers X1.Full of funny anecdotes and his own personal opinion on the history of goalkeepers through the ages.Recommended for anyone who's a football fan or player at any level as he covers them all.After finishing it I did feel a bit sad knowing it will be the last book I shall read by this very talented author after his untimely death last year.This joins the rest of his novels on my bookshelf.
March 14, 2016
Really enjoyable read about The Tooth Fairy author Graham Joyce's trials and tribulations as a "custodian of the goal" at various stages during his lifetime, with his 2006 comeback as goalie for the England Writers XI being the focal point. The bit about him spraying WD40 on his aged knees and being caught by his wife in the garage with his trousers round his ankles was very funny indeed.
April 28, 2016
Great perspective from a writer and a retired footballer, rejoining his favorite sport. Strong language is used to describe the setting, feelings and incidents.
I like how the writer has his own opinion on the game but ends up being denied from any decisions made for the games. It is great to see his reaction when things are not going his way as I play a goalkeeper myself.
I like how the writer has his own opinion on the game but ends up being denied from any decisions made for the games. It is great to see his reaction when things are not going his way as I play a goalkeeper myself.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 31, 2009
A must for anyone remotely interested in footie!
Well done, Joycey. Keep walking it off, pal!
Well done, Joycey. Keep walking it off, pal!
May 25, 2013
Hilarious expose of the dirty side of writing: the British Writers league goes international! Playing football, of course.
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews