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Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships
"Uncoupling begins with a secret. One of the partners starts to feel uncomfortable in the relationship. The world the two of them have built together no longer 'fits.'"
How do relationships end? Why does one partner suddenly become discontented with the other - and why is the onset of that discontentment not so sudden after all? What signals do partners send each other to indicate their doubts? Why do those signals so often go unnoticed? And how do people who saw themselves as part of a couple come to terms, not just with absence and abandonment, but with a new, single identity?
This groundbreaking book, which combines extensive research with in-depth interviews, offers a startling vision of what happens when relationships come apart. What it reveals is a process that begins in secret but gradually becomes public, implicating not only partners but their social milieu. The result is an enlightening and affecting book that is invaluable both as a work of sociology and as a guide for anyone who wants to prevent - or weather - the collapse of a relationship.
How do relationships end? Why does one partner suddenly become discontented with the other - and why is the onset of that discontentment not so sudden after all? What signals do partners send each other to indicate their doubts? Why do those signals so often go unnoticed? And how do people who saw themselves as part of a couple come to terms, not just with absence and abandonment, but with a new, single identity?
This groundbreaking book, which combines extensive research with in-depth interviews, offers a startling vision of what happens when relationships come apart. What it reveals is a process that begins in secret but gradually becomes public, implicating not only partners but their social milieu. The result is an enlightening and affecting book that is invaluable both as a work of sociology and as a guide for anyone who wants to prevent - or weather - the collapse of a relationship.
266 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1986
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630 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
March 19, 2016
This book is great for anyone who is going or has gone through the ending of a relationship, has so many questions to ask about how it happened, and is frustrated because the one person you want to ask is also the one person you can't. As the book says, it doesn't offer many insights into the "why" of a break up, but the information on the "how" is fairly exhaustive. It gave me peace of mind when I needed it, and allowed me to get answers to questions which I never thought I would be able. Armed with this knowledge, in the future I hope I'll be able to recognize the signs earlier in the process and address them before things get really bad.
March 27, 2011
A superb book for defragmenting the fragmenting experience of the end of an intimate relationship. We find ourselves in stories, and in this case sociologist Vaughan has intentionally looked to the stories of hundreds of people whose relationships ended to find the commonalities. It was affirming and restive to discover that all the crazy things that happened to/in my ending relationship were common to everyone in the same situation.
April 8, 2015
This book really helped me when I was going through a separation/divorce a few years ago. This book, along with 'Your Heart Knows the Answer' really saved me from hitting an emotional abyss - highly recommend to people going through rough times, relationship-wise. [close:]
March 3, 2025
very good! perhaps a little too real
April 22, 2020
Detailed look at all the stages, or turning points, of ended relationships of every color and stripe (hetero, gay, young, retired, white collar, DINK, etc), based on the experiences of over 100 different couples, collected and presented by a professional sociologist. Diane Vaughan explains perfectly how my marriage was dismantled from the inside over the course of ten years without my having known about it, in a way that my emotionally retarded incommunicative soon to be ex-husband never could even if he continues therapy for the rest of his life.
As Vaughan's research shows, "the initiator" starts to harbor secrets, causing a power imbalance "the partner" is unaware of. The initiator might mention they're not happy, but would rather build a wall and distance themselves than answer questions or engage as a couple. In absence of tangible problems the partner thinks all is copacetic. Initiator doesn't confront partner until absolutely certain and decided, blindsiding partner and in my case actually trying to lay blame for the distance between us, rather than taking ownership for his part in its development, nevermind his infidelity.
As Vaughan's research shows, "the initiator" starts to harbor secrets, causing a power imbalance "the partner" is unaware of. The initiator might mention they're not happy, but would rather build a wall and distance themselves than answer questions or engage as a couple. In absence of tangible problems the partner thinks all is copacetic. Initiator doesn't confront partner until absolutely certain and decided, blindsiding partner and in my case actually trying to lay blame for the distance between us, rather than taking ownership for his part in its development, nevermind his infidelity.
August 24, 2016
I've lost count of how many copies of this I've given friends/family that are having relationship trouble. Nothing here is going to fix anything but it goes a long way towards explaining the crazy/hurtful behavior you are experiencing (or dishing out, but if you are doing the dumping you're not likely to be searching for reading material like this are you?)
I really do believe this book should be mandatory reading for anyone headed into or out of a marriage.
I really do believe this book should be mandatory reading for anyone headed into or out of a marriage.
October 20, 2017
Interesting, though dated, read. This book contains lots of quotes from both sides of troubled relationships. But, really, the turning points the author details are not just for intimate relationships but for most all: jobs, academic, casual, professional. The authors writing style is clinical and detached, which, to me, contribute to a difficult read. The very last chapter, Transition Rituals, was the strongest and a good short-cut to reading the entire book! Recent research on the feasibility and success of reconciliation disputes some findings the author supports. Nonetheless, interesting. One short sentence jumped out to explain everything: Behavior meets needs.
October 31, 2007
I noticed this book in my wife's car not so long ago. She purchased it something like 2 weeks before she told me she wants a divorce. I looked it up on Amazon and based on the reviews there, I got a copy for myself. Will it help me to understand? Who knows.
Not really so helpful, really. It more a description of what's likely to happen than an analysis of why. A lot of it does apply to what happened to my marriage, I guess, though not quite. But so what? It doesn't do anything to help understand why.
Not really so helpful, really. It more a description of what's likely to happen than an analysis of why. A lot of it does apply to what happened to my marriage, I guess, though not quite. But so what? It doesn't do anything to help understand why.
March 28, 2016
Details the process and commonalities of breaking up in a way that helps you look back and understand the rituals going on and what might be going on in the other person's head from both the initiator and partner perspective. Also helped me feel better about some of the rituals I'm doing, that other people might be doing them, and might change the way I uncouple in the future (if I get into another relationship). A little bit outside my realm and wish it would have helped more, but still much better than most breakup books out there.
July 22, 2022
If you are going through a divorce, if you are the one that is leaving or is being left, this is an excellent book on how a marriage falls apart - not the reasons or who is at fault. Just the process. How couples start living parallel lives, exit affairs, and deteriorate in general. If you are looking to blame or demonize anyone, or try your divorce in the court of public opinion, this is not your book.
If you have friends or family members divorcing, and want to help them and their kids, this is the book.
If you have friends or family members divorcing, and want to help them and their kids, this is the book.
September 18, 2012
My mom recommended this book to me when I was having marriage troubles. Sadly, it made my situation very clear to me.
November 1, 2012
Read if you are thinking of breaking up with a partner. This is a classic.
January 12, 2021
A thought-provoking read. Provides much perspective on human behavior in the final moments of an intimate relationship. Focusing on the how rather than the why (which I suppose is more often than not nebulous in nature), it lets us see some semblance of a pattern so that things can make sense among disorder. I liked that the book was methodical in nature and maintained neutrality in its tone throughout its interpretation of events. I did however find some explanations growing rather draggy and repeated toward the end.
I think it's a good read for people trying to make sense of turning points/ signs in a relationship!
I think it's a good read for people trying to make sense of turning points/ signs in a relationship!
January 13, 2023
A good guide to understanding the turning points common to the end of marriages and relationships. Since it was written in the 1980s, thankfully, there have been some cultural changes related to women's and LGBTQ+ rights and progress. Still, it is a startlingly relevant sociological analysis of the stages that occur before, during, and after a separation. For those going through a divorce or separation, it can provide insight (and some comfort) for understanding what commonly occurs during these difficult life transitions.
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June 10, 2022This was fascinating. Shouts forever to the sociologists! This is absolutely not self help (despite the vibe of the books package and was originally published by Oxford University Press), but instead a rigorous look at the behaviors that are consistent through most break ups and divorces after sociological research conducted with hundreds of people. A good look into how cliched we all are when we part, no matter how special or original or unique we think we are. Highly recommended for writers delving into the interpersonal. (Should I ever actually write that novel, this would be clutch.)
July 21, 2023
I found this book to be, as the saying goes,a real eye-opener. At the time I read it, I was experiencing an uncoupling of my own and wanted to know, or at least have a glimpse of, what makes a person do a complete turn in a romantic relationship. The "Fatal Mistake" part of the book was the one that struck me the most and will never forget. Does the author get it right about break-ups? This reader gives a decidedly, affirmative.
December 31, 2017
This was a really hard book to read. It brought up a ton of things for me to think about. Great as a psychology major to put life into perspective and show me things that I didn't even realize. I could only handle in small doses and was glad that it finished. It was like a bandage a necessary thing for a while and hard to rip off but worth it.
December 25, 2018
The writers states to have made a selections of several testimonies and based on them the development of the book – why couples break and which are the hints before - . I didn’t like it. I had to give it up after 50 pages… boring and not well developed.
June 19, 2019
Well, while I'm going through such an uncoupling myself, I laid out my hands to this book and now, I know which phase we're in as a couple. Also, I'm gonna give this book to her and would want to let her know that I know your next move, Biatch !
Thanks a lot for this study. It does makes sense.
Thanks a lot for this study. It does makes sense.
October 4, 2024
read this for class and absolutely no other reason.
crazy sensation to have what feel like your most personal and intimate experiences be revealed as highly social patterned behavior. Not feeling like so much of an individual. Horribly fantastic book.
crazy sensation to have what feel like your most personal and intimate experiences be revealed as highly social patterned behavior. Not feeling like so much of an individual. Horribly fantastic book.
February 8, 2018
Very insightful, helped me make sense of personal experiences.
July 7, 2019
Very accurate description of how uncoupling happens. From my own experience of having lived through it and others I’ve seen who are beginning the process.
January 28, 2022
Interesting look at breakups from a sociological standpoint.
February 5, 2024
Dry at times, but full of engaging insights and thoroughly documented case studies. It’s astonishing how much of the human experience feels scary and unknown simply because we never talk about it.
March 13, 2024
More of a research dump of uncoupling testimonies, and pretty outdated. Interesting read but I think there are more relevant books on uncoupling these days.
December 19, 2022
to be honest I skipped over some parts but it was still good.
what was up with that guy who didn't like his wife because she got pregnant and fat or whatever he was complaining about? (I can't remember the exact quite but jeez dude)
what was up with that guy who didn't like his wife because she got pregnant and fat or whatever he was complaining about? (I can't remember the exact quite but jeez dude)
March 11, 2017
My professor assigned us this book as our textbook requirement. It's a lot more interesting to read to understand facts than reading a long, lengthy, expensive textbook. Definitely a read if you're going into a relationship or getting out of one. A lot of stages I didn't even recognize after getting out of a relationship prior to taking my own course. I can unfortunately say I related to some interviews that Dr. Vaughan had done.
January 5, 2017
"I interrupted my normal reading schedule to read this book specifically because I was going through a breakup - a relationship of nearly five years, the longest romantic relationship of my life, had ended. I chose Uncoupling out of the books recommended to me because I found it the easiest but also because it appeared to not be a a self-help book, and I don't enjoy the proscriptions of self-help books - I generally find them condescending.
On the whole, Uncoupling is a landmark study of the end of relationships and if you, like me, learn and grow from seeing yourself in the experiences of others, it should benefit you as well as it benefited me. Out of necessity, Vaughan creates two types in the relationship, the initiator and the partner. I found this typology helpful because I saw in my past behaviour both the initiator - albeit an initiator who had not yet acted - and the partner; that is I transitioned from one role to the other, as she notes many do. And I believe my former partner did the same, only the opposite direction - partner to initiator.
But far more helpful were the quotes of the interviewees - honest, raw, bare, naked, or whatever you want to call them, these people shared their deepest feelings about their dying or dead relationships and reading these made me feel so much less alone, so much less of a failure. And I must say that without this book I believe the end of my relationship would have probably been rockier (at least for me). I am a strong believer that "moving on" requires knowledge and understanding and Uncoupling has given me that.
But the book does have a few flaws that I want to acknowledge: First, it is definitely dated. I would highly recommend seeking out an updated version if one exists or, if one doesn't exist, I would hope that she has one planned.
Second, though Vaughan admirably deals with problems with selection bias (and other biases) in the postscript, I did indeed detect a bias, albeit not one she focused on. That bias was an academic one - in trying to be inclusive as a typical sociologist, I found Vaughan's interviews to be a little overly inclusive so as to not accurately reflect the population (at least in the way they presented them). I'm not sure this is really a criticism, it just seemed odd to me.
But overall I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has been through a breakup and has not moved on or is currently going through a breakup. And, if you can read it discreetly, I would highly recommend this to anyone who is unhappy in a marriage or relationship and wants to save it. And I say this simply because had I known I was doing the things I was doing to show I was unhappy, maybe I would have talked to my ex about them, or maybe I would have tried to deal with the symptoms at the very least - or at least maybe I would have recognized my own unhappiness and done something differently."
On the whole, Uncoupling is a landmark study of the end of relationships and if you, like me, learn and grow from seeing yourself in the experiences of others, it should benefit you as well as it benefited me. Out of necessity, Vaughan creates two types in the relationship, the initiator and the partner. I found this typology helpful because I saw in my past behaviour both the initiator - albeit an initiator who had not yet acted - and the partner; that is I transitioned from one role to the other, as she notes many do. And I believe my former partner did the same, only the opposite direction - partner to initiator.
But far more helpful were the quotes of the interviewees - honest, raw, bare, naked, or whatever you want to call them, these people shared their deepest feelings about their dying or dead relationships and reading these made me feel so much less alone, so much less of a failure. And I must say that without this book I believe the end of my relationship would have probably been rockier (at least for me). I am a strong believer that "moving on" requires knowledge and understanding and Uncoupling has given me that.
But the book does have a few flaws that I want to acknowledge: First, it is definitely dated. I would highly recommend seeking out an updated version if one exists or, if one doesn't exist, I would hope that she has one planned.
Second, though Vaughan admirably deals with problems with selection bias (and other biases) in the postscript, I did indeed detect a bias, albeit not one she focused on. That bias was an academic one - in trying to be inclusive as a typical sociologist, I found Vaughan's interviews to be a little overly inclusive so as to not accurately reflect the population (at least in the way they presented them). I'm not sure this is really a criticism, it just seemed odd to me.
But overall I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has been through a breakup and has not moved on or is currently going through a breakup. And, if you can read it discreetly, I would highly recommend this to anyone who is unhappy in a marriage or relationship and wants to save it. And I say this simply because had I known I was doing the things I was doing to show I was unhappy, maybe I would have talked to my ex about them, or maybe I would have tried to deal with the symptoms at the very least - or at least maybe I would have recognized my own unhappiness and done something differently."
February 16, 2017
Loved this book. Anyone who is ever in a relationship or ever wants to be in one should read this book. If you are in one and you want to know the state of your couplehood... or better yet, you are single and want to know how to build a great relationship... read this book! It will point out pitfalls you will not see in advance, and it will help you to know if your relationship is in trouble but you don't know why... the why and maybe what you can do about it.
I am personally someone who hates all self-help books. But this one has some science and teeth... and so I loved it. Real information.
I am personally someone who hates all self-help books. But this one has some science and teeth... and so I loved it. Real information.
January 24, 2017
A sociological study of how relationships break down. Gives a detailed account, from personal accounts, of how the process of detachment starts. This is not a self-help book and will not give you advice on how to save a relationship. It will help one examine what happened in previous relationships and may help one identify what is currently happening.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews