Living Like You Mean It: Use the Wisdom and Power of Your Emotions to Get the Life You Really Want

by Ronald J. Frederick

In LIVING LIKE YOU MEAN IT, author Ronald J. Frederick, does a brilliant job of describing why people are so afraid of their emotions and how this fear creates a variety of problems in their lives. While the problems are different, the underlying issue is often the same. At the core of their distress is what Dr. Frederick refers to as feelings phobia. Whether it s the experience of love, joy, anger, sadness, or surprise, our inborn ability to be a fully feeling person has been hijacked by fear--and it s fear that s keeping us from a better life. The book begins with a questionnaire-style list that help readers take an honest look at themselves and recognize whether and how they are afraid of their feelings. It then moves on to explore the origins of fear of feeling and introduces a four-part program for overcoming the fear: (1) Become aware of and learn to recognize feelings--anger, sadness, joy, love, fear, guilt/shame, surprise, disgust. (2) Master techniques for taming the fear. (3) Let the feeling work its way all the way through to its resolution. (4) Open up and put those feelings into words and communicate them confidently. With wisdom, humor, and compassion, the book uses stories and examples to help readers see that overcoming feelings phobia is the key to a better life and more fulfilling relationships.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Emotion, Mental Health, Personal Growth

208 pages, Hardcover

First published March 1, 2009

Reviews

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Despite the corny name, this book does an excellent job of clearly and cogently describing how to tap into the uncomfortable feelings that we so often suppress. Learning to notice, acknowledge, experience, and share these feelings can do amazing work in helping us live a life of reduced anxiety and increased authenticity. And though it can be heady stuff to be vulnerable enough to directly share feelings of hurt, anger, and affection with others, it's through this very process that connections are made and intimacy is created. I'm excited to continue applying many of the processes recommended in this book, as I've found that my inner peace and connection to loved ones is tied directly to my ability to push aside anxiety and be bare with the feelings that make me who I am.

[Lourens · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ondanks de bijzonder -maar dan ook écht opmerkelijk- lelijke omslag, een verrassend kwalitatief boek met inhoud waar ik persoonlijk ook echt wat aan gehad heb.

Ik ben al jaren een beetje een stoïcijnse zak, maar ik begin me met de tijd meer en meer te realiseren dat ik waarschijnlijk mijn emoties eerder onderdruk, dan dat ze 'gewoon niet/minder aanwezig zijn'. Een verhelderende maar ook confronterende ontdekking.
Dit boek is een mooie eerste stap richting het accepteren en vervolgens repareren daarvan. Een duidelijk en heel makkelijk geschreven boek voor ieder die wel eens worstelt met (de afwezigheid van) zijn emoties.

[Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best general self-help books I've read in a long, long time. I found myself not just agreeing with the author's assertions but also applying them - to myself, to my clients. I'd recommend this book to anyone.

[Marloes · Rating 4 out of 5]

Goed boek als je moeite hebt met het voelen/uiten van bepaalde emoties/gevoelens. Makkelijk en duidelijk geschreven met veel voorbeelden van echte mensen. Erg praktisch boek met stappen hoe je hier beter mee kan omgaan.

[Hilde Tol · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zelfhulpboeken in mijn vrije tijd lezen vind ik een hele opgave. Heb dan ook maanden over dit boek gedaan van zo’n 150 pagina’s. Wel veel van geleerd, als mens maar ook als behandelaar: voelen, voelen en nog eens voelen.

[Maaike · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dit boek leert je jezelf serieus te nemen - Engelse titel is wel veel mooier; Living like you mean it. Aanrader als je er aan toe bent.

[Niki Vervaeke · Rating 3 out of 5]

Een interessant en vlot leesbaar boek over het leren omgaan met je emoties.
Van hoe ze ontstaan tot wat de impact is van wel en niet omgaan met emoties en dit met handige voorbeelden en duidelijk 'stappenplan' zonder belerend te zijn.
Het enige wat mij 'stoorde' was het gebruik van het eerder 'dramatiserende' woord 'emotiefobie'. Omdat fobie een zeer negatieve bijklank heeft

Desalniettemin een handig en vlot leesbaar boek, zowel als begin van zelfhulp als voor coaches/counselors

https://www.tijdschriftpositievepsych...

[Monica Haak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! Onwijs... Echt een van m'n favo non fic ties!

[Cinnamon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have you ever sat around thinking, "My life is great. Things seem to be going well for me!" Only, on the inside you're sad, anxious or depressed? I didn't realize I was doing this until after reading Dr. Ronald J. Frederick's new book, LIVING LIKE YOU MEAN IT. As the cover states, he shows us how to use the wisdom and power of our emotions to get the lives we really want. He has an uncanny way of encouraging us to look deep within ourselves to see the truth behind our actions. This makes LIVING LIKE YOU MEAN IT a powerful and compelling read.

LIVING LIKE YOU MEAN IT really seems designed to connect with any level of reader. Dr. Frederick takes what could be a very complex topic - battling with ourselves to change beliefs that we have held since childhood - and put them in an easy to understand and easy to use format. Part One deals with preparation. Dr. Frederick allows us to use self discovery to observe our actions and break them down into parts we can analyze. He explains the basis for certain emotions and why we as a culture tend to push our emotions down, choosing to smother them rather than releasing them. Using recent research on the brain and body, Dr. Frederick shows us how emotions are tied to our thoughts and can greatly influence our lives.

After getting some great background info, both about emotional mindfulness and our own personal emotions, Dr. Frederick takes us into the action phase of reorganizing our emotions. Part Two shows us how to increase our emotional awareness and determine where our defenses come from. Now that we can recognize our feeling phobias he shows us how to tamp that fear down and allow ourselves to ride the waves of our emotions from beginning to the peak and finally to their release.

If you had asked me weeks ago if I bottled up my emotions or if I let them control my life, I would have told you, "Absolutely not!" I am the master of me...aren't I? I found myself perusing the pages of LIVING LIKE YOU MEAN IT, gradually flipping faster and faster as Dr. Frederick's words struck a chord in my heart. His examples and tell tale signs of working against one's emotions instead of with them actually rang true with me! I'm not ashamed to admit that I discovered a lot about myself between the covers of LIVING LIKE YOU MEAN IT. For a book, a simple collection of dried plant fibers, that really says something.

One of the most useful aspects of the book, aside from the great layout and formatting, was the way Dr. Frederick included stories from composites of actual patients. Each story was about a different individual and his or her challenge to learn that their emotions were not a force to be reckoned with, but rather a helping hand, guiding them through life. I think it is safe to say that there is at least one story, one real life example in LIVING LIKE YOU MEAN IT that everyone can relate to. I myself know that at least two of the stories reflect events in my life to a T.

Dr. Frederick's stories help the reader to connect with his vision, but it is really the flow of his words that pulls the reader in. This book is not at all written like a dry academic texts or even one of those dry self-help books. No, this is written more like Dr. Frederick is in the room talking with you and only you. As he speaks his words magically appear on the paper. That's really the best way I have to describe it. It really feels like you are curled up in some comfy chair chatting with a good friend. In my opinion, that's one of the best ways to connect with people and I think Dr. Frederick nailed it.

[Jess · Rating 4 out of 5]

YES! Finally finished this one.

This is a great book! I use the info from this book every day now and it has enriched my life. I think everyone can benefit immensely from the lessons of this book. Although people who are kinda allergic to certain terminology used in mindfulness will maybe disagree. But I think that they would benefit from the book even more than average if they could embrace it.

That is what this book is about: to dare to feel whatever your feeling and be more comfortable with it. You'll learn about how you can feel the different emotions in your body, and all the ways people use to push feelings down. You'll also learn why you shouldn't do that. You'll learn what the difference is between talking about your feelings and talking about your thoughts and opinions.

This book can have a healing effect for a lot of people, and I would recommend it to almost anybody.

(review of the Dutch translation)

[Marco · Rating 5 out of 5]

Het is een leerzaam boek dat je kan helpen beter met je emoties om te gaan. Ook krijg je beter inzicht in waarom mensen op bepaalde situaties reageren zoals ze doen.

[Geert Borg · Rating 4 out of 5]

Veel open deuren, maar juist doordat het boek me uitnodigde om mijn eigen zijpaadjes in gedachten te verkennen, werd het meer dan dat en uiteindelijk een waardevol aanzetje tot reflectie

[Kenton Domize · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great inner insight with usable tools

[Fiore · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dit boek gaat over gevoelens. Over hoe je écht voelt en dit het beste kunt communiceren. Ik raad iedereen die het lastig vind om gevoelens te ervaren (voelen) dit boek aan! Bied veel inzichten en geeft stapsgewijs handvaten.

[Eva Zijlstra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Voor al mijn homies die moeite hebben met voelen (ja ik heb het over jou)

[Erica (Reading Kitten) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Geweldig boek. Heel heldere theorie en fijne samenvattingen na elk hoofdstuk.
Ik kan heel emotioneel zijn, maar onbewust druk je ook heel veel gevoelens weg. Dit boek leert je hoe je kunt stilstaan bij wat je echt voelt en wat daar de voordelen van zijn, zodat je je uiteindelijk ook beter kunt uiten richting anderen.

[Mylene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some nice basic psycho education on emotions, connecting to them, and their functions - for those who could use it. The name is a bummer but try look past it ;)

[Dany Le Goaix · Rating 4 out of 5]

My therapist recommended this book which I read with trepidation as it was about opening myself up to more emotions and I like to be in control. The author argues that what is making us feel disconnected has to do with fear. We’re afraid of facing our own feelings and emotions.
And true closeness is possible only when we feel emotionally healthy, open, secure, and aware of our feelings and how they affect us. We need to nurture our capacity to feel and connect in a healthy way by becoming more comfortable with our feelings and learning how to share them. Easier said than done as as feared emotions rise up, we become anxious our defences push the feelings back down, and safety is restored and we are back to square one.

In a way this book is about it’s emotional mindfulness. The nonjudgmental aspect of mindfulness seeks to free us from the intellectual analysis and self - criticism with which we so often react to ourselves, the ongoing commentary and chatter in our head that alienates us from our felt experience. Mindfulness encourages us to let go of our absorption in the past and our dreams/worries for the future and really allow ourselves to fully embrace the present moment.

Getting out of my head, taming the inner critic and being in the moment is always a challenge but this book does give you approaches to help.

[PR · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best self-help book I’ve read.

I liked the writing style, the language, the content. It flows well and is easy to read. It is also not preachy, which a lot of others in this genre can be.

There is a lot of information to grasp, so I found it helpful to read it a bit slowly, a chapter at a time and no more. The chapter take-homes were really beneficial to that end because they help remember the most important parts. In my opinion, every non fiction book should have these end-of-chapter summaries.

So much of the book resonated with me and I’m so thankful that my therapist recommended it to me. There’s much to learn from it.

[Stacy Juba · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting book about how to recognize signs of fear, learn to experience your true emotions, and develop ways to express and share feelings. Examples from real-life situations and chapter take-home points enhance the author's message. I won this book in a First Reads giveaway and wanted to review it sooner, but it wasn't the kind of book that you read quickly. I would set it down and then pick it up again a few days later, ready to digest more. I would recommend it to readers who would like to learn how to deal with and express their emotions better.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book. My emotional intelligence is pretty low. Both the patient stories and the academia were insightful enough to allow me to step outside and observe much more emotion than I knew I had or was capable of. I particularly enjoyed Brian’s story in chapter six—my situation isn’t even really related, but Frederick was able to paint such a relatable picture in addition to ridiculously simple tools to master emotion.

[Jane · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an excellent book about allowing yourself to overcome your feelings phobia and feel your emotions, express them and get what you want and need to grow.

Full of practical tIps and strategies, I feel like this book has already changed how I look at things and how I react. Now it comes down to practice, practice, practice, to establish new neural pathways to get out of the old ruts.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is willing to do some work to grow.

[Jess Hoffmann · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title made me want to put the book away. The subtitle made me want to never talk about it ever again. The cover made me hide the book when someone was coming over.

And yet, this is probably the most influential book I've ever read. I didn't see the point of doing the exercises and what he was describing was super vague, until I tried it, and everything made sense. I still use the techniques described in it to this day, and it still make me feel good.

[Mirjam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Makkelijker gezegd dan gedaan, maar het boek geeft goed inzicht in waarom dingen zijn zoals ze zijn, hoe je je bewustzijn kunt trainen en wat voor vervolgstappen je kan doen. Het boek gebruikt duidelijke voorbeelden a.d.h.v. situaties die beschreven worden en hoe de personen daarop reageren. Dit geeft een goed inzicht in ook de gebruikelijke valkuilen. Heel goed boek.

[Elise Kenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is hands down one of the most helpful books I've ever read. I always thought that emotions were meant to be 'gotten over' or ignored and I didn't realise the damage this was doing to my life and relationships. Highly recommend it to people who struggle with expressing their emotions or knowing why they feel a certain way.

[Justin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zeer praktisch handboek om je emotiefobie opzij te zetten en gevoelens gewoon toe te laten dankzij erg simpele oefeningen. Het boek neemt je helemaal bij de hand mee: van het herkennen van je gevoelens tot het bewust worden van je afweermechanismen en het temmen van de angst. Dit is een boek om in je boekenkast te hebben staan!

[Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not going to be cliché and say this book changed my life, because it didn't. But it has given me insight and the opportunity to empower me to change my life.

[Julian Dunn · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good primer to Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), a modality of therapy that my wife happens to practice. As much as he can within the confines of a self-help book, Frederick equips the reader with techniques that will help them identify their feelings, feel them truly and deeply, and resolve long-standing unresolved feelings to live a more authentic life. I have never been a fan of the advice to "follow your heart" because that implies a level of impulsiveness and lack of true reflection, but Frederick adds more depth onto this phrase.

I think the main shortcoming of this book is that it assumes all feelings are temporal/situational and can be dispensed with in the short-term by using these techniques described here. This is, after all, a self-help book, so its scope is obviously going to be biased towards attaining short-term relief without the assistance of a trained therapist. I think there are enormous limits in this: first, many of our feelings stem from long-held beliefs or what coherence therapy calls "emotional schemas" that can't simply be rewritten by reading a book and processing new feelings with a different lens. I understand that access to a therapist is a tool not available to many individuals, for a variety of reasons, and I think that for certain people, this book will be helpful. For others, who suffer from deeper trauma arising from adverse experiences, I think that seeking professional help will be required, and Frederick could have done a better job of specifying when that might be necessary beyond just sort of leaving it as an exercise for the reader.

[CG · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a lot of self-help books, this one simplified issues. If you're feeling stuck because you are uncomfortable with your own emotions, especially when this comes as a second nature to you, I doubt your whole life will turn around because for once you have asked yourself what you are trying hard not to feel. But what I liked about this book, is that even though there are several approaches to try sitting with your feelings for a change, what it really comes down to is try. Dare ask yourself questions and even when you get uncomfortable, especially then actually, just give it a try. And I think just being interested in opening this book, shows you are ready to look a bit deeper at yourself and your feelings. I think this book simply found me a bit late in my own journey, having already learned most of the lessons in this book.

[Shawna Runyan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had to read Living Like You Mean It for my grad program, and I’m honestly so grateful for that. It turned out to be one of the best self-help books I’ve read in a long time. I learned so much about myself and others..about emotions, defense mechanisms I didn’t even realize were guiding my behavior, and how my upbringing shaped the way I relate to and express my feelings.

This book gave me so many “ah-ha” moments (and a few tears). It really opened my eyes to how much more connected and authentic life can feel when we slow down and actually experience our emotions instead of avoiding them.

I know I’ll return to this book again and again, especially as I continue growing personally and professionally on my journey to becoming a therapist. I’d recommend it to anyone who wants to better understand themselves, deepen their relationships, and live more meaningfully. ❤️