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101 Lies Men Tell Women -- And Why Women Believe Them: A Research-Based Guide to Male Psychology and Relationship Protection
‘I’ll call you.’ ‘I love you.’ I’ll be home in 20 minutes.’ ‘No, I don’t think your thighs are too big.’ ‘I’m going to leave my wife.’From first date deception to martial dishonesty to last-ditch efforts to evade detection, 101 Lies Men Tell Women exposes the extraordinary diverse lies that invade male/female relationships and destroy trust.What do men tend to lie about? Why do they feel the need to life? Dr. Dory Hollander offers rare insight into the most prevalent lies and the often startling reasons why men tell them.Based on the provocative findings of her research, Dr. Hollander also shows why women are more vulnerable to certain types of lies that others, while helping the reader to understand the dynamics of deception. Learn how men use the lies as a means of both attracting and distancing themselves from the women in their lives and how this affects the women who love them.Filled with highly amusing, as well as emotionally wrenching stories from the men and women in Dr. Hollander’s study, 101 Lies Men Tell Women captivates and enlightens with original quizzes and exercises for decoding – men’s words and actions.A self-defense manual for women who, until now, have had little understanding of, and even less protection against, the well-told lie.
384 pages, Paperback
First published October 5, 1995
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
September 15, 2020
Put on your big girl pants and read this book:
The way it works: "Women lie in order to protect themselves or others and feel deeply distressed when lied to; men lie to get what they want, to win, to avoid confrontation or consequences, and they attach little meaning to it. Men are socialized to see women first as objects to be won, and eventually as authorities to be eluded in their quest for freedom. Women are socialized to soothe and to feel inadequate...
3 kinds of lies: The hook pulls you closer by offering you a variety of wish-list items that he thinks top your most-wanted list; the mask disguises who he is, what he feels, and what he thinks; the evasion makes his actions inaccessible to you so that he can do whatever he wants far away from your scrutiny.
Lied-to women respond with a different agenda than men. Even when the lie is hurtful, she’s more apt to put the lie in the context of what is important to her—preserving the relationship. Forget threats and angry confrontation. She’ll smooth things over by politely overlooking the lie or by struggling to make sense of it, no matter how vile or incomprehensible the lie first seems. If there’s a hidden reason he lied to her, she’ll wonder, “Could it be me?” More humiliated or shamed than angry, she may keep asking herself what she did to cause this "perfectly decent" man to lie to her….Ninety-seven percent of women admitted to obsessing over the lie, sometimes for weeks, even months after the event, trying to fathom exactly why it had happened… But lying has everything to do with him and little to do with her.
By telling you what he thinks you want to hear, he hopes to cover up what he’s really doing with his time and his life, and anything else that he thinks you’d either dislike or interfere with. The evasive lie buys him freedom to do his own thing and set his own course.
The Setup is just the opposite of cover-up lies. The raison d’etre of the setup is to reveal the previously hidden signs of your partner’s discontent—his infidelities, his addictions, his anger, his sleazy secret life. This sets you up so you will be more willing to let him go without protest. But no matter how bad this setup feels to you as the unwilling partner, make no mistake, it’s not the end. During the setup, rejecters are consumed with laying bare all the reasons the relationship won’t and can’t work, all the flaws that now define their soon-to-be-left-behind partners. But unless you arrive there first and end it early, the actual end won’t come until later.
The Finish: In spite of all his planning and manoeuvring, both are still stuck. Endings are hard: both can expect to have periodic misgivings and second thoughts. That’s normal.. This messy process often triggers the worst possible reaction: she tries harder to get along. His leaving is already a forgone conclusion. He, in turn, tries harder to be hurtful. He hopes that she will bail and save him the trouble of a scene. The coup de grace may be diversionary lies in the form of cruel shots about attributes that you can’t easily change—such as your weight, height, family background, age, religion, background, or personality—because it’s hard for you to argue with things that shame or embarrass you or sound plausible."
Sound familiar?
The way it works: "Women lie in order to protect themselves or others and feel deeply distressed when lied to; men lie to get what they want, to win, to avoid confrontation or consequences, and they attach little meaning to it. Men are socialized to see women first as objects to be won, and eventually as authorities to be eluded in their quest for freedom. Women are socialized to soothe and to feel inadequate...
3 kinds of lies: The hook pulls you closer by offering you a variety of wish-list items that he thinks top your most-wanted list; the mask disguises who he is, what he feels, and what he thinks; the evasion makes his actions inaccessible to you so that he can do whatever he wants far away from your scrutiny.
Lied-to women respond with a different agenda than men. Even when the lie is hurtful, she’s more apt to put the lie in the context of what is important to her—preserving the relationship. Forget threats and angry confrontation. She’ll smooth things over by politely overlooking the lie or by struggling to make sense of it, no matter how vile or incomprehensible the lie first seems. If there’s a hidden reason he lied to her, she’ll wonder, “Could it be me?” More humiliated or shamed than angry, she may keep asking herself what she did to cause this "perfectly decent" man to lie to her….Ninety-seven percent of women admitted to obsessing over the lie, sometimes for weeks, even months after the event, trying to fathom exactly why it had happened… But lying has everything to do with him and little to do with her.
By telling you what he thinks you want to hear, he hopes to cover up what he’s really doing with his time and his life, and anything else that he thinks you’d either dislike or interfere with. The evasive lie buys him freedom to do his own thing and set his own course.
The Setup is just the opposite of cover-up lies. The raison d’etre of the setup is to reveal the previously hidden signs of your partner’s discontent—his infidelities, his addictions, his anger, his sleazy secret life. This sets you up so you will be more willing to let him go without protest. But no matter how bad this setup feels to you as the unwilling partner, make no mistake, it’s not the end. During the setup, rejecters are consumed with laying bare all the reasons the relationship won’t and can’t work, all the flaws that now define their soon-to-be-left-behind partners. But unless you arrive there first and end it early, the actual end won’t come until later.
The Finish: In spite of all his planning and manoeuvring, both are still stuck. Endings are hard: both can expect to have periodic misgivings and second thoughts. That’s normal.. This messy process often triggers the worst possible reaction: she tries harder to get along. His leaving is already a forgone conclusion. He, in turn, tries harder to be hurtful. He hopes that she will bail and save him the trouble of a scene. The coup de grace may be diversionary lies in the form of cruel shots about attributes that you can’t easily change—such as your weight, height, family background, age, religion, background, or personality—because it’s hard for you to argue with things that shame or embarrass you or sound plausible."
Sound familiar?
April 16, 2020
This book has some insight, but the writing style makes it difficult to take away key points, and the advice on what to do about a lying partner is less than ideal.
One of the major issues is structure and editing. The amount of verbiage is difficult to easily extract information from, which pales in comparison to books in related fields that I have read such as "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. There are some checklists that might prove useful, but they are outnumbered by dense paragraphs that don't quite stick in the mind.
I feel that a little bit too much space was dedicated to the features of the female liar. While they provide a foil for gender differences in lying behaviour, I am not sure that it contributed much benefit to the overall text.
The book is divided into several chapters featuring kinds of lies men tell women, several anecdotes demonstrating that lie, and commentary. The last few chapters detail the strategies that women can use to deal with them. I think it would have been much better to integrate the strategies within each chapter, rather than bouncing back and forth between different themes.
It is definitely a book of the times too, with outdated references to the existence of home phones as a primary communication method, but more importantly, being in the midst of the AIDS crisis. Being outdated is unavoidable and something I won't detract from out of principle. However, I thought it was bad advice when Hollander suggested that a woman might reconsider a relationship with a cheating man, particularly one who engages in widespread and unsafe sex.
It is both society and personal pride that encourages women to think she can change a man. Hollander frequently implies that a woman is complicit in the lies told by her partner and the damage they cause, even when she inquires as to whether he is hiding something and is met with a stonewall denial. There is also the suggestion that the onus of change is on the woman who must strive to introduce a better standard of honesty in the relationship.
It may be a matter of perspective, but the takes on a woman's power to improve her man and/or relationship, and her alleged responsibility for her lying partner are both inaccurate, unrealistic and unhelpful. If you are an intelligent reader, most of this book's content will not offer you any new knowledge.
One of the major issues is structure and editing. The amount of verbiage is difficult to easily extract information from, which pales in comparison to books in related fields that I have read such as "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. There are some checklists that might prove useful, but they are outnumbered by dense paragraphs that don't quite stick in the mind.
I feel that a little bit too much space was dedicated to the features of the female liar. While they provide a foil for gender differences in lying behaviour, I am not sure that it contributed much benefit to the overall text.
The book is divided into several chapters featuring kinds of lies men tell women, several anecdotes demonstrating that lie, and commentary. The last few chapters detail the strategies that women can use to deal with them. I think it would have been much better to integrate the strategies within each chapter, rather than bouncing back and forth between different themes.
It is definitely a book of the times too, with outdated references to the existence of home phones as a primary communication method, but more importantly, being in the midst of the AIDS crisis. Being outdated is unavoidable and something I won't detract from out of principle. However, I thought it was bad advice when Hollander suggested that a woman might reconsider a relationship with a cheating man, particularly one who engages in widespread and unsafe sex.
It is both society and personal pride that encourages women to think she can change a man. Hollander frequently implies that a woman is complicit in the lies told by her partner and the damage they cause, even when she inquires as to whether he is hiding something and is met with a stonewall denial. There is also the suggestion that the onus of change is on the woman who must strive to introduce a better standard of honesty in the relationship.
It may be a matter of perspective, but the takes on a woman's power to improve her man and/or relationship, and her alleged responsibility for her lying partner are both inaccurate, unrealistic and unhelpful. If you are an intelligent reader, most of this book's content will not offer you any new knowledge.
March 13, 2010
Very good information about men's lies and the reasons why they do it. The author does seem a little paranoid, but when you think about all the stories she has heard, you can understand why. Common sense: check a guy out as much as you can. Don't take his word for anything you might be able to verify.
March 2, 2022
I didn't finish it yet, but I can say that I am done. Maybe I will read the rest of the pages some time later, but what I can say that it is an important book. But as the fellow readers described the writing style, it is hard to finish, and the book would have been much shorter if the author decided to summarize what she came up with in her interviews.
All in all, I would suggest it for people who have a little or no knowledge about men while I would certainly oblige some people that have experience to read it "History and patterns repeat themselves".
All in all, I would suggest it for people who have a little or no knowledge about men while I would certainly oblige some people that have experience to read it "History and patterns repeat themselves".
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May 17, 2024ملاحظة لي - لم اقرا الكتاب بعد
with also the consequences of these lies, all book is based on statistical data
with also the consequences of these lies, all book is based on statistical data
Currently reading
March 9, 2025How to read the book I see only the description of the book and not pages
January 11, 2013
What an awesome book!!!...I am really speechless!!...Dr.dory made it simple and clear!!..we all think that we can't experience any of those facts!..we think that those stories happen only to others!!...but wouhouw!!the reality is totally different!!...every one must know that it can happen to him anytime,anywhere and with any1!! Women should know how to defend theirselves !!they should stop trusting blindly!they should stop making excuses for the liars!!they should call a lie a lie and have that courage to face liars!!..this book really impressed me!!i didn't want it to finish that s why I took my time and enjoyed every single page!!..it s wonderful and i recommend it to every single girl,woman and man!!it will help them understand each other more!!...if you really wanna understand ur partner go, buy a copy, read it and re-read it from time to time!!!
Gr88 book!!
Thumbs up :D!!
Gr88 book!!
Thumbs up :D!!
April 3, 2010
Lovely book! Really made me realize that my ex-relationships were not all my fault. Helped me also understand that men naturally lie. But there are better ones out there. Ladies read!
July 25, 2016
A real eye opener
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews