A Pity Party Is Still a Party: A Feel-Good Guide to Feeling Bad – A Therapist's Playful and Sincere Insights on Embracing Sadness for Connection and Happiness

by Chelsea Harvey Garner

Most of us try to avoid feeling sad, but in this candid, comical, and deeply-felt book, therapist Chelsea Harvey Garner doesn’t just argue that the future will be brighter if we learn to enjoy the unenjoyable and support each other when the vibes aren’t so good, she also shows us how. What if all the advice we’ve received about “looking on the bright side” is wrong? What if sadness is actually the key to happiness, and can even be . . . fun? Garner is here to make that case. In this feel-good guide to feeling bad, she claims it’s not enough for us to tolerate hard feelings. We need to embrace them. We need to let them show by crying with others. Often. In public. Playful, at times irreverent, but always sincere, Garner is the grown-up Miss Frizzle for the therapy generation. She believes that if we want to build a world where mental health is the norm, we have to lean into connection and count on each other, even—and perhaps especially—at our worst. Through anecdotes about her own hardships and insights gained in her clinical practice, Garner illuminates the power (and embarrassment) of opening up. Featuring solo exercises, group activities, and journal prompts alongside personal essays, she invites us to see emotions in a new light and engage with them in a healthier way. A Pity Party is Still a Party helps us find the silver lining, but only after we’ve played in the rain.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health

272 pages, Hardcover

First published July 11, 2023

Reviews

[Robyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

A PITY PARTY IS STILL A PARTY
Chelsea Harvey Garner

Maybe if you are really young, haven't lived and raised in today's world. But being old, raised where you walked off a broken leg it just made no sense to me.

However I pushed on because I stand in front of these pitiful creatures every day and try to push knowledge out to them. But WOE is me...

3 stars

Happy Reading! (or not, but it is still reading)

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

The COVID-19 pandemic contributed to rising cases of depression and more public discussions about mental health, and while many people responded with toxic positivity or outright denial, many others felt some relief in being able to go public with feeling bad. Garner, a therapist, offers this book as a reminder that we need to be able to feel these emotions, even if they feel bad or make us feel like we're having a pity party, in order to address them and heal from them.

Garner points out that to pity party well, we have to get in touch with our emotions -- feel them, name them -- and also reach out to others for help and empathy so that we can find new ways to move through the depression, despair, anxiety, and fear. She doesn't claim to have easy answers, but she definitely provides lots of good, thoughtful suggestions for having a productive pity party, with excellent questions for journaling and activities for practicing true self-care.

What I really appreciated about this book:
--Garner notes that the limits of therapy come when our society makes it difficult for people to meet their basic needs: adequate food and shelter, adequate income and security, a lack of oppression and discrimination.
--She also points out that working through emotions may also involve working through issues of privilege, appropriation, and the impact of capitalism. "Doing the work" often goes deep!
--The importance of boundaries when dealing with some of these issues.
--The necessity of being present and connecting with others.

As Garner points out in retelling one of the lessons she learned in childhood, "the feelings I thought were too big to feel were just too big to feel alone." That's a good reminder for us all. 4 stars.

Thank you, HarperCollins and NetGalley, for providing an eARC of this book. Opinions expressed here are solely my own.

[Ashley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some parts of this book were super relatable while others were super over the top. The more journal-y part was lovely and made me feel less alone in the world. At the end of a lot of the chapters Garner provided tips on how to have a party and I found this awkward, frankly, with the way I’m feeling it’s not like I have a plethora of friends available to picnic at midnight with or a funeral for an “old” me. The tidbits about how to acknowledge your feelings and embrace them as opposed to trying to tuck them away or being embarrassed by them. As someone who cries in public (more than I would like to admit) the validation on how it can be beneficial, not just for your own emotional release, but also for those around you, I sincerely do wish more people were willing to own their emotions. She also had a chapter about the pain of losing friends who meant a lot to you — as someone who invests a lot in others and rarely has that energy reciprocated, I felt that in my soul. It definitely made me bump up finding a therapist on my to do list.

[anonymous · Rating 1 out of 5]

The author lost me pretty early on when she says you should take pictures and videos of yourself crying (I think posting selfies of yourself crying is one of the most absurd, outrageous, attention-seeking social media trends ever, and we all know how many truly bizarre social media trends have come and gone in the last decade) and then suggests that when a friend sends you a crying selfie, something you could say to them is, "You look so cute when you cry! <3" Is this more Hannibal Lector or Christian Gray? Not sure, but I'd be taking out a restraining order if anyone ever said that to me. The book did not get better from there. I think you have to be a lot more crunchy-granola than I am to enjoy this book.

[Khue Doan · Rating 3 out of 5]

A great guide for millennials and early Gen Zers. Her writing comforted me as if they were my closest friends sitting me down after I got broken up with; whimsical, sometimes not helpful, but all very real. You take what is helpful, appreciate the rest! There’s a good mix of reflection questions and group activities that you can play around with- this book definitely helps you feel comfortable with all the silly ideas that healing brings forth.

[Viviane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some parts didn't resonate with me much, but overall there are some fantastic nuggets. It really is formatted in a way of, "Take what you need and leave the rest".

[Sarah Bartolomei]

An interactive and delightful book. A Pity Party is Still a Party offers creative ideas to engage and build community. I will reference the prompts both while tending to my personal relationships and professional.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good read. I loved it. I laughed a lot! She has a great sense of humor. I’ve recommended this book to my clients age ranges 14-91! My 91 year old client who told me she is struggling with anxiety about the world today said she loved it. As someone who has spent easily the last 15 years combing through the self help, health, religious and spiritual sections at every bookstore, I am pleased to see a book that embraces the feelings so many people seem to be avoiding these days. Even reading other reviews here where people say some of this book made them cringe, well bravo, I am glad we are at least feeling. This book confirms so much for me as a perceived “sensitive” person, that I am not alone. Much of our grief is encouraged to be squashed and silenced. We literally reserve days to express grief, as if we can start and stop it. Garner hits the nail on the head with this one. The concept is perfectly timed for the coming generations of people, especially Americans who are tired of pretending we are machines instead of natural, wild beings. Let this set a tone of liberation within the self help and wellness community to stop with the toxic positivity and start questioning who profits off of your self imposed expectations to just march on, business as usual while our world is drastically changing before our eyes. Reminds me of this quote … “It is in your self-interest to find a way to be very tender.”(by Jenny Holzer) BEAUTIFUL BOOK!

[K · Rating 2 out of 5]

It’s very millennial. Some of the stuff she suggests the reader to do is very cringe. I have some really good friends and if I said let’s do some of these group things they’d laugh. It’s all very touchy feely and getting way too close to people in a way that I think nobody wants. If you’re a millennial and like this type of stuff then this book is for you.

[Tenille Tsujimoto · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is true that many of us have been taught that being or expressing sadness is not a good thing. Sometimes we feel that we are weak for having such thoughts or emotions. One thing I found interesting is how she discussed that having sad/bad vibes is not a bad thing. We can't be perfect or happy every moment of every day. We need to embrace and allow grace for our own selves to be in the moment of hard times and good times. It's ok to not be ok. Now we don't want to stay in the "not ok" stage forever, but she talked about being in that hard moment to allow ourselves to feel the emotion, feel the struggle, accept how it made us feel and then embrace moving forward.

Some of her suggestions felt over the top and not relatable to me such as having cuddle puddles (with people who are not my husband), crying in public, recording yourself crying and watching it, posting/sending crying selfies, and a few more. Although she fully admits in the beginning that some of her methods will not work for everyone. She even says, if it's not something you feel interested in, feel free to skip that part of the book. She talked about getting people together to have a funeral of the "old you" and even inviting people you don't have involved in your life right now as they will be celebrating the old you - implying that even if they say no, that there is some point of healing to having you invite them. Maybe it's just me, and admittedly I don't have several people I'm close to at the moment, but having friends who will do all these cry fests or cuddle puddles just was not relatable at all to me. The various 'parties' or having friends come over to purposely watch you cry just felt awkward to me.

But the ideas of embracing your hard emotions, not being embarrassed by them, allowing them to flow (even in public) when they happen and providing grace to yourself to even have these emotions was very relatable to me. I have a habit of being more loyal to people than they are to me and it has left me feeling betrayed and worthless when they do things to me that I would never do to them. She talked about that and "grieving" the loss of friends even if it wasn't them physically leaving this earth. Grieving the loss of the friend they should be to us and that hit home to some of my own struggles I'm dealing with right now. Sometimes writing things down can be so powerful and I agreed with her journaling prompts.

I found myself going through a rollercoaster of this is awkward and not at all relatable to wow, that's a good point or powerful thought and I completely relate to that. I don't regret reading it, but it's also not one I would keep on my bookshelf for permanent residence. 3 stars because I was so in the middle of the various different thoughts and methods she discussed.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A PITY PARTY IS STILL A PARTY by Chelsea Harvey Garner is an utter delight that made me so happy to know I can be sad!

Thank you, partner @bibliolifestyle @harper_wave for this #gifted book. I have already shared how excited I was to receive this, and I devoured it.

Inside this comfort book, you will find Garner's soothing and encouraging prompts to better experience some of the harder emotions we have so often been told to hold back. It is not just a permission slip to have feelings that have been relegated to the dark, private areas of our existence, but rather a collection of guides to help navigate these less tread paths. Some of these suggestions felt beautiful and resonated with me while some didn't as much. What was lovely, however, is that even the specific activities that may not have connected to me as deeply gave an idea to consider and a direction in which to explore. In short, make it your own.

I will be taking my time going through this book again, slowing down to fully explore these ideas and exercises. I have a feeling it will be a resource for years to come!

[Victoria Patnaude · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've really enjoyed reading this book for presenting such a satisfying blend of tenderness, intensity and artfulness. Navigating complex, multifaceted topics such as emotional pain, boundary setting, ritual and connectivity to oneself, their community and their humanness have been addressed in personal stories, helpful reframes, thoughtful perspectives and organized tips. Something I really like about the way this book is organized is encouraging the reader to "take what they need" and to explore what is being offered at their own pace, their own time and what resonates with them at the moment. I would like to encourage anyone curious about exploring their own internal experience more deeply, those experiencing grief and those that have often felt misunderstood to pick up this book and see what they feel drawn to - it's worth it.

[Raynee Graeff · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pity Party should be on every coffee table in every house across this country!! It’s a must have guide that explores the possibility (and reality) that instead of stuffing our bad feelings/situations down - we actually find a way to celebrate our emotions- ask for help - and network with others to embrace what we are going through. The book not only gives practical coping strategies- but is a guide to help you better understand yourself. There is a lighthearted fresh undertone and genuine compassion from the author. Each time you pick it up, it will feel like having great coffee with your besties.

[Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not sure how applicable the suggestions are to a wide range of people. A lot of activities in the book come with the premise that the reader approaches emotion in the same manner that the author does; deep feeling, open to confrontation, enneagram 8…

I was looking for something that was practical and easy to incorporate in my life when I am feeling down. But recording myself crying and watching it back, or creating a shrine to cry at, or hosting a tea party for the sole purpose of sharing constructive criticism about each other’s personalities? That’s not something I am going to feel good about.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't emphasize enough how essential and singular this book truly is! As someone who learned in childhood that emotions were unsafe to feel or express, I mastered the coping mechanism of distancing myself from them and others. Garner expertly tackles this issue, offering accessible and engaging exercises to embrace and celebrate all emotions. The adept use of humor in "A Pity Party is Still a Party" makes these daunting concepts approachable and thrilling. It's a wonderfully refreshing take on a subject that is often painfully dull.

[Maria Schoville · Rating 3 out of 5]

It took me longer to finish this one than I thought it would. Some of the suggestions in this book are super helpful while others are incredibly ridiculous. I totally connected with the need for Debbie downer, the helpful journaling prompts & the overall idea of forest bathing. I might even consider a peaceful full moon picnic with my daughter, just not quite as in depth. However, I will not be having a cry party, a “not everyone’s cup of tea” party, or a funeral for my old self. I’m sure that there are others out there who will take on those suggestions.

[Michelle Chamandy-Cook · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love how much I laughed and smiled while learning about how to welcome all of my emotions, get dressed up and have no where to go, appreciate silent moments with others, and be invited to cry in public. Chelsea's A Pitty Party is Still a Party is well written, backed by plenty of experience and research, and is oh so relevant! When I see my therapist, I always ask for TOOLS, and this book is full of them. I highly recommend, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

[Tori · Rating 4 out of 5]

this felt good to read - it was nice to laugh and embrace the sadness and acknowledge that we SHOULD allow ourselves to feel! every! thing! and that it’s normal. it couldn’t hurt to reframe the way we think about feelings.
the sections did feel a bit disjointed. the first section was the strongest in my opinion, the other 3 felt like they could’ve all been in each other section. some of the suggestions/prompts felt silly to me, but i think that’s just a personal thing.

[Tara Nordbrock · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is fantastic. It's everything I needed from a book about feelings (and the permission to have them!) told in a modern and fresh tone. It's so incredible to have the little tips and tricks based in paganism also, the whole thing just resonated so deeply and gave me perspective to challenge some of my beliefs and the space to expand my heart. I was in tears by the end of Bless This Mess. I bought it on audible and the hardcover too, the drawings are adorable. (Author drew them herself!)

[Jess Mess · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super grounding and accessible perspective on grief — and perfectly timed. I appreciate how Chelsea brings herself to the book and doesn’t write this in the typical voice of “author knows best,” especially on such a vulnerable topic. I’m thankful that this book found me when it did - COVID grief had been a beast and this book provided such a helpful and *real* guide.

[Veronica · Rating 2 out of 5]

I appreciate the sentiment, but the writing style lost me

- A pity party isn’t about doing nothing about our problems, it’s about getting in touch with what we are feeling to make better decisions
- your feelings aren’t too big to feel, just too big to feel alone.

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars rounded up. Like any self-help book I’ve read, some of this REALLY resonated and made me cry and other parts made me roll my eyes. I am definitely going to start a cry diary though, per the author’s suggestion, so stay tuned for those updates.

[April · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hysterical

I laughed throughout the whole book. This is a delightful read. The only beef I have was what's wrong with movies before the year 2000? . Every therapist should read this book! Very humbling, renewing and just fun!

[Judith Taylor · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not the best self-help book I have ever read, but I still enjoyed it and took some things away from it. The chapter "Adult Babysitter's Club" was a great idea: the idea of going somewhere where you feel comforted and taken care of when needed.

[Melanie Parrott · Rating 2 out of 5]

A few take away messages, but mostly unhelpful. Author makes a lot of assumptions about readers (women wear make up and drink wine). Suggested methods for working out issues are weird… record yourself crying and share it?! No thank you. It only gets weirder from there.

[Sydni · Rating 3 out of 5]

i really like the first half of this book and felt there were some good suggestions and advice, but the second half were all activities like crying in a group with your friends or having a funeral for your old self and inviting people to attend and that's something i would rather not do, ever lol

[Roxan Jennifer Borges · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some really insightful tips & super relatable banger. A delightful audiobook. Got a bit dull in the middle because of having been through these things for so long, but still didn’t stop me from finishing the book.

Would love to read more from the author.

[Suzanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think I would have awarded more stars if I had read this when I was younger. At this point in life, I have, fortunately, figured most of this out.

[Keanu Reeves · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book is amazing!!!!

[Dhhskska Klalsxpp · Rating 5 out of 5]

i LOVE this book its so great!