Am I Lying to Myself?: How To Overcome Denial and See the Truth

by Jane Greer

Denial is everywhere, keeping us from seeing reality and causing unhappiness and frustration. It can make things disappear in the blink of an eye. It can also convince you that you are seeing what you want to see even when it isn’t there, leading you to believe in nonsense along the way. People employ Denial because it makes their life easier in the moment. It even makes it appear to be better, the way you would like it to be, the way you wish it was, rather than what it actually is. Denial reassures you, tells you not to worry, it’s not that bad, it could be worse. But the truth is, it is a short-sighted solution, a quick fix, a temporary Band-Aid. Am I Lying To Myself? helps readers squelch the tendency to let their own and others’ Denial rule their lives. This book takes readers through a series of real-world scenarios in which people find themselves mired in Denial. It will help you not only recognize Denial’s sneaky voice, but you will come away from each chapter with a useful skill that will help you address the Denial in your own life. After reading this book, it will become second nature to talk back to Denial with clarity and strength. This book will teach you how to do that. You will never lie to yourself again.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Audiobook

268 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 4, 2023

Reviews

[Alexander · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr. Jane Greer’s new book is a welcome relief, and an elixir to the ironic stagnation of most self-help books even certified professionals put out there. Needless to say, I have somewhat of a cognitive bias – maybe even out-and-out skepticism – of books of this nature. There’s a creeping unease I have whenever I don’t judge the cover. But Dr. Greer knows of what she speaks, in a manner that doesn’t just feel professionally informed, but personal. Dr. Greer is confident, straightforward, but affable. There’s never the sense of clinical remove, rather she draws you in closer – making the critical information, observations, and insights in the book feel that much more compelling. Even the title feels like it has that thoughtful deliberation, reading less like a glossy self-help book and more like a position paper: Am I Lying to Myself?: How to Overcome Denial and See the Truth.
“Denial is the new buzzword,” Dr. Greer christens the beginning of the book with. “Denial is the new buzzword. It is what everyone is trying to wrap their head around and make sense of both personally and politically because, really, one is connected to the other. Denial is all around us, more than ever before. We have seen it on the news, in social media, in our daily lives, and even in the White House. It is the subject of our favorite shows on many of our most-watched streaming services. But the truth is, it has always been here; sometimes it is just more visible than other times.” She then continues with the following: “Denial makes your life easier in the moment. It even makes it better, the way you would like it to be, the way you wish it was, rather than what it actually may be. From small nuisances like traffic and weather—when you say I don’t believe it, and ignore the sign that says traffic is backed up on the bridge so you don’t have to be inconvenienced going out of your way with an alternate route, or tell yourself it’s not going to rain despite the weather report because you don’t want to be bothered carrying an umbrella all day—to the major league problems like infidelity and addiction, Denial reassures you, tells you not to worry, it’s not that bad, it could be much worse. But the truth is, without Denial in your life it could all be so much better.”
It’s rare to feel invested viscerally in a book of this nature, but that’s part of what makes Dr. Greer so effective – not only in terms of clinical expertise, but in a storytelling format. “Merriam-Webster.com defines Denial as a statement saying that something is not true or real—in other words, a statement in which someone denies something. The same dictionary’s definition in terms of psychology is a condition in which someone will not admit that something sad or painful is true or real. To put it simply, Denial is refusing to acknowledge that an event has occurred,” she follows up the previous passage with. “The person who is affected basically acts as if nothing has happened. To take that one step further, Denial is when people seem unable to face reality or admit an obvious truth, which can appear to other people as an outright refusal to acknowledge something has occurred or is currently occurring. Alcoholics and drug addicts often deny that they have a problem. Along the same lines, victims of a traumatic event may deny the event ever took place. That’s because Denial is a defense mechanism that everyone has and that functions to protect the ego from things that the individual cannot cope with.”

[Donna Hines (The Secret Book Sleuth) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Am I Lying To Myself is a book for all those who are seeking truth both within themselves and outside of their relationships.
The concrete, precise, clear-cut examples through real life stories of clients as well as the process to providing healthy thoughts and boundaries is exactly what's needed in our chaotic and toxic world.
Jane Greer provides the answers by using simplistic dialogue formatted for the daily consumer.
Look at facts, don't ignore actions is just one part of this equation.
To fully understand you must honestly have lived it. This is where I differ with Jane.
I believe in the totality of the circumstances and you can't understand if you use hearsay or third party intervention.
I've been homeless, bankrupt, lt unemployed (29 yrs) with a dual masters plus 20 years experience in volunteering. Yet, for 12 years all I heard in the job market was simply, NO.
What we must understand is while you might consider someone's story as 'complaining' those living those 'injustices' from a broken and tattered system meant to suppress aren't feeling the love and support.
If just one person 'listened' and 'offered a hand up not out' what a wonderful world it woud be but sadly greed has taken hold and even among non profits meant to help. Funding is limited or non existent. Programs are shut down and wiped out. Non profits are short funded and lack personnel to handle high case loads.
What we must not lose sight of is most people don't enjoy poverty, bankruptcy, homelessness, addictions, or the like. What they need is merely 'help.'
Yet, we shy away, find fault, seek blame or shame, and re-victimize because we as humans can't relate to the story being told.
Now, while I might agree there's some pitiful stories I also believe these individuals are trying their best in a system designed to fail them.
We must get to the root of the problem and rather than offering a band-aid and seeking alternatives we need to offer an answer.
In this mode of thinking it's not just suggestive thinking to offer a hold on tight idea. Hell, people left on the street with 3 kids (eldest med disabled) like myself have seen that light. We know the warning signs but sadly by the time they're shown from a malignant narcissist we're already on the outside looking in.
I've had a 2 year weight list for housing, food stamps, medical assistance, and in the interim I had zero income as a homemaker and mom of three. I wasn't allowed to work -not that I didn't die trying to escape.
I was told my income wouldn't be sufficient to support a family and to stay home and raise the family while my spouse and I agreed to split the income for our household.
You see that's but a dream. A quick summary of the 4 year battle to get divorced using 4 attorneys to finally see freedom thanks in large part to my family.
However, not everyone is so lucky and sadly they falter to a life of hopelessness, depression, and non livable wages.

[Saby Samar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lying is neither a big problem nor crises that the world is facing like other colossal issues; rather it’s an escapism that people consider to run away from their uncomfortable states, mundane and boring realities, and other problems. Denial is the extended form of lying. People deny everything that causes them pain, misery, and humiliation. For, it makes their life easier.

Am I Lying to Myself? by Jane Greer, Phd is an insightful psychological book. It takes you through the mode of denial and introduces to the light of acceptance and reality. The book has two segments, first mainly about denial in relationships, and secondly at the macro level. The author narrates the stories of people, which were her patients, with whom she developed ways to shoo away the denial and ultimately accepting the truth, its veracity and reality.

The book eventually helps answer questions pertaining to denial, and then comes up with a way to guide readers/people to recognize denial in all forms and face the reality without caring for consequences. The book is something that works to dispel the ignorance and the fear related to denial devil.

Jane Greer will make you listen to the stories of her patients and people she comes across each week that mostly struggle to face the hard truth about themselves and their lives. The book invariably fosters the voice of reality and reasons.

The first part of the book exclusively scrutinizes denial prevalent in relationship, it is there even if the relationship is short lived, married life, or just hanging around for intimacy. Denial causes fantasy, raises false hope – ultimately derailing the relationship – breaking hearts and promises.
The first chapter studies Sophie and two more people…sheds light on relationship and dating equation, who is made for whom….Watch-Out-Signs. How to find out a partner with who they want to be. Fictional…yet inspiring and insightful!

Part two has bigger circumference and deals with social, religious, and at world-level issues. You better pick up the book for a comprehensive coverage on denial in our lives and how much we are responsible for that. The objective of the book is to equip readers with signs and ways so that they can identify denial in their life, around them, in the world. It will help them uncovering their own and other’s true motives and actions.

[Mari · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was okay. I don't really know why I picked this book up honestly, I guess I figured everyone experiences denial to some extent. I felt like the evaluation stayed a little too surface-level for me and I would have liked to see the patients fleshed out more/follow their progress a little more closely (as opposed to just summarizing how they got better at the end of each chapter).

I thought all the CAPITALIZED SKILLS like "KNOW WHEN TO HOLD THEM, KNOW WHEN TO FOLD THEM" felt completely made up and not like anything a therapist would actually say out loud. Honestly, they didn't even make much sense and you need to spend as much time explaining the title of the skill as you need to spend explaining the actual skill. It felt gimmicky.

In the beginning of the book there was also a lot of time spent on implying a guy was not thoughtful if he didn't set up a reservation for dinner on the first date. I guess I could generally see the point but it felt like an odd thing to emphasize and also just one of those moments where you have to let go of the gender role reins a little bit. I legit got confused b/c the tone was definitely 1990s but I knew I pulled this off the new books shelf.

This woman didn't think it was weird no restaurant was specified and that they were meeting in a park? That's a pretty big clue that you're going to be walking around looking for a restaurant, you can have a little freaking agency here. Easy enough to just say "we should get a res since it's Friday and places will be busy!" Anyway.

[Chantell Kraemer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Holy enlightening book of of my life!!! My goodness. I randomly picked this book up off a New shelf at my local library and I am so glad I did.
This book is helpful to so many situations in life but most specifically relationships and seeing them for what they really are. I loved how the author uses real situations to relate to rather just throwing statistics and facts at you. It was very relatable to life and will most definitely be a tool I use forever.

[Belena · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought it was good and the advice was pretty helpful. A lot of the examples used were very relatable and Greer writes them without invoking shame.

A warning though: there were definitely some parts where Greer is describing relationships with domestic violence and SA. Greer doesn't call it that, which was sus to me, but I guess that's not the focus of the book, so 🤷

[Jennine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not necessarily a book to read for pleasure… more a self reflection book.

[Rosemary Schwartz · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was ok.

[Leigh Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

.....the answer is YES. I WAS lying to myself, but I'm not anymore. If you're reading this book because you're questioning your current involvement, dump her/him. Trust me, you'll be OK.

[Kathleen]

I read a positive review in the NYTimes about this book. The kindle cost is $23.+! My library had a copy in the New Books section so I checked it out. Well, reading this book made me think, I have minor problems in my relationships compared to the people in this book! In her conclusion, she writes: "As we have seen in this book, Denial is everywhere. We all have a universal need to turn a blind eye to our problems and possible obstacles in an effort to shield ourselves and the ones we love from unhappiness and trouble." The author's intent is to provide "a toolbox full of skills to combat Denial." The tools:
1) READ THE SMALL PRINT--IT CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR EMOTIONAL HEALTH
2) DO THE EMOTIONAL MATH
3) HOLD ON TIGHT
4) LOOK IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR
5) SET YOUR DATE
6) LEANING IN RATHER THAN LEANING BACK
7) THREAD THE NEEDLE
8) KNOW WHEN TO HOLD THEM, KNOW WHEN TO FOLD THEM
9) USE WHAT YOU KNOW
10) ADDRESS YOUR DISTRESS
11) WAIT TO BE ASKED (Even before i read this book, I think - I'm not being asked for my input, so no need to give it!)

Sometimes, she would precede these "tool statements" with "I shared my very important skill...." I'm not sure she had to write, "my" as if she is the only one thinking of these skills.

I think having small pithy sayings for these skills might help a person who is in the middle of a tangled dysfunctional relationship - stop for 1/2 minute, retrieve the tool and act accordingly. With these skills, the person is able to take responsibility for one’s own actions rather than trying to fix/change the other person.

So, the author/therapist is helping the client with the a tangible action, but I would have liked a deeper exploration of WHY the person responds in the way that they do. On the positive, it was good to read that some people were able to break the co-dependent (is there a new word for this?) action in the relationship. Other stories, we don’t know the full outcome and wonder what happened.

I thought Lori Gottlieb’s book, Maybe You Should Talk with Someone, was better. Unlike Jane Greer (the author of Am I Lying to Myself?), Lori Gottlieb inserts herself as a client seeking professional therapy session. Often, we see the therapist as an outsider and we know nothing about their lives. Maybe they are in Denial! Lori Gottlieb’s book is not just self-help, but a memoir.

Again, on the positive on the subject of this book, “Denial”, I think it’s always good to review one’s relationships - spouse, partner, family, friendships and dating partners (I’m happy not to be dating in this day and age!) - and examine them and ask, “Am I Lying to Myself?”

[Paul Froehlich · Rating 3 out of 5]

Denial is most often associated with addictions such as alcoholism. Jane Greer finds denial common in relationships.
A marriage and family therapist and psychotherapist, Greer appears often on TV.

Her book illustrates the facets of denial in relationships using detailed stories about her patients. Mainly young women, they suffer through bad relationships until Greer helps them overcome their denial.

Greer devotes about ten percent of her book to explaining denial and how to overcome it. The rest consists of one patient story after another, complete with purported dialogue, illustrating denial.

Among the highlights from the substance are these:
▪︎ Denial is refusing to recognize something. It's a defense mechanism that everyone has to protect the ego from things the individual can't cope with. We use it to prevent pain.

▪︎ "Denial makes your life easier in the moment...but without Denial in your life it could all be so much better" because "you no longer must hide from the truth."

▪︎ Denial is difficult to deal with in others and in ourselves, though we have a better chance to see the light ourselves than we do in helping others to face reality.

▪︎ When we want a new
relationship to work, we may ignore, explain away, or deny red flags that it won't work, instead of recognizing reality. We may allow the hope that the other person will change to justify denial.

▪︎ People can be in denial when they see and dismiss signs their spouse is cheating. Until we face the truth, instead of denying it, we are easy to deceive and abuse.

Greer offers tips to overcome relationship denial. One is to read the small print, which means paying attention to details. Another is setting a date for when you'll leave a difficult relationship unless needed changes occur.
A third is to lean in rather than to withdraw. Address what frustrates and pains you.

The substance here can be read in a few minutes. This book is recommended for those who like to read in detail about other people's problems. For those who don't, take a pass on it. -30-

[Erwin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Coincidentally I came across this book and the title intrigued me. Really a super interesting book, the book is written very readably and contains a toolbox of different techniques to not let yourself be put on the wrong track in challenging relationship situations and to always stay close to yourself. I will definitely try to apply it in my life and am glad I read it. Definitely recommended if you have challenges in your marriage or other close relationship.

[Cindy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not at all for me