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Don't Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns That Limit Success
How can you get to the bottom of workplace behaviors that simply don't work for you or your organization? Don't Bring It to Work explores what happens when patterns originally created to cope with family conflicts are unleashed in the workplace.?This groundbreaking book draws on the success of Sylvia Lafair's PatternAware program Total Leadership Connections. Throughout the book she shows how to break the cycle of pattern repetition and offers the tools that can turn unhealthy family baggage into creative energy that will foster better workplace associations and career success.
Lafair identifies the thirteen most common patterns that correspond to characters familiar to anyone who has ever worked in an Super Achiever, Rebel, Persecutor, Victim, Rescuer, Clown, Martyr, Splitter, Procrastinator, Drama Queen or King, Pleaser, Denier, and Avoider. To help overcome destructive behavior problems, she maps out the three main steps for becoming aware of patterns and finding the way
Observe your behavior to discern underlying patterns Understand and probe deeper to discover the origins of these patterns Transform your behavior by taking action to change The book includes a wealth of real-life anecdotes and practical, workbook-style exercises that clearly show how anyone can get beyond old, outmoded attempts at conflict resolution and empower themselves to make profound differences both at work and in their personal lives.
Lafair identifies the thirteen most common patterns that correspond to characters familiar to anyone who has ever worked in an Super Achiever, Rebel, Persecutor, Victim, Rescuer, Clown, Martyr, Splitter, Procrastinator, Drama Queen or King, Pleaser, Denier, and Avoider. To help overcome destructive behavior problems, she maps out the three main steps for becoming aware of patterns and finding the way
Observe your behavior to discern underlying patterns Understand and probe deeper to discover the origins of these patterns Transform your behavior by taking action to change The book includes a wealth of real-life anecdotes and practical, workbook-style exercises that clearly show how anyone can get beyond old, outmoded attempts at conflict resolution and empower themselves to make profound differences both at work and in their personal lives.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2009
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
December 27, 2011
My main problem with the book was that the examples of the personality patterns, for the most part, were way too extreme. Most people aren't completely dysfunctional ALL the time...right?
January 17, 2019
Sylvia Lafair brings years of insights in family counseling into the corporate area with "Don't Bring It to Work." Having read this several years ago, this book still provides me with insights on a regular basis as a human resources professional -- helping me understand how some managers may be bringing their past or present home lives into the work place and how this (often negatively) impacts their relationships with peers, subordinates, and bosses. Great insights for anyone managing, advising, or reporting to difficult individuals.
February 16, 2016
Subtitled Breaking the Family Patterns that Limit Success, this extraordinary book is written by an accomplished family therapist who has become an internationally recognized expert on leadership, workplace behavior and relationships. She begins the book by making the case that our styles of relating with others have, of course, been developed through the roles we play in our families. Lafair identifies what she describes as the 13 key destructive patterns, providing a brief questionnaire to help the readers in identifying their key styles. Using a detailed genogram called the Sankofka Map (so named for the Ghana word meaning to “heal the past to free the present)”, the author shows how to identify key patterns that inevitably show up in our working relationships.
Lafair provides examples both from history and from her business consultation to aid in understanding these patterns. This practical book then moves on to identify and demonstrate how the “shadow self” side of each of these patterns can be transformed into constructive actions, as follows:
1. Super Achiever can become a Creative Collaborator
2. Rebel can become a Community Builder
3. Procrastinator can become a Realizer
4. Clown can become a Humorist
5. Persecutor can become a Visionary
6. Victim can become an Explorer
7 Rescuer can become a Mentor
8. Drama Queen/King can become a Storyteller
9. Martyr can become an Integrator
10. Pleaser can become a Truth Teller
11. Avoider can become an Initiator
12. Denier can become a Trust Builder
13. Splitter can become a Peacemaker
She closes this practical book with specific examples of a 6 week process to work through these transformations, with the following key caveats, which she calls her Ground Rules:
1. Treat truth telling as an precise art form.
2. Make sure that your work is not a rehab facility.
3. Listen for emotion and repetition.
4. Be open to outcome, not attached to it.
Ever the pragmatist, Lafair admits that being this kind of a change agent is painful and not always successful (she shares one of her personal consulting failures. The key individual knew what needed to be done but refused to do so). Each chapter of this exceptional book closes with “Takeaways” - a brief summary of the key points. There are also recommended films and a reading list provided in the Appendix.
Lafair provides examples both from history and from her business consultation to aid in understanding these patterns. This practical book then moves on to identify and demonstrate how the “shadow self” side of each of these patterns can be transformed into constructive actions, as follows:
1. Super Achiever can become a Creative Collaborator
2. Rebel can become a Community Builder
3. Procrastinator can become a Realizer
4. Clown can become a Humorist
5. Persecutor can become a Visionary
6. Victim can become an Explorer
7 Rescuer can become a Mentor
8. Drama Queen/King can become a Storyteller
9. Martyr can become an Integrator
10. Pleaser can become a Truth Teller
11. Avoider can become an Initiator
12. Denier can become a Trust Builder
13. Splitter can become a Peacemaker
She closes this practical book with specific examples of a 6 week process to work through these transformations, with the following key caveats, which she calls her Ground Rules:
1. Treat truth telling as an precise art form.
2. Make sure that your work is not a rehab facility.
3. Listen for emotion and repetition.
4. Be open to outcome, not attached to it.
Ever the pragmatist, Lafair admits that being this kind of a change agent is painful and not always successful (she shares one of her personal consulting failures. The key individual knew what needed to be done but refused to do so). Each chapter of this exceptional book closes with “Takeaways” - a brief summary of the key points. There are also recommended films and a reading list provided in the Appendix.
July 16, 2014
This book doesn't go far enough. Do people bring family patterns to the office? Absolutely. Do we acknowledge them as part of problem behavior at work? Never. It would be so helpful if we did. I was so happy to find this title but disappointed in the read. Much time is spent on the typical behavior patterns but the examples aren't very helpful. I doubt any office tyrant would compare themselves to Idi Amin. In fact it probably causes the tyrant-style reader to discount the information presented overall.
Probably the most helpful part of the book is the pattern quiz, but what you're supposed to do about any of that - assuming you have enough self-awareness to actually be honest with yourself - is unclear. Basically, everybody needs therapy. Lots and lots and lots of therapy. But most people are never going to see a therapist and that means we're back to square one: look for another job where people are screwed up in the same ways that you are; and you'll be alot happier.
If there's ever a 2nd edition, I'd love to see Lafair get dirty with it. Have it read less like a magazine article and more like a therapeutic tool. How can you score behavior patterns and what do you do - day in/day out - with what you've found? Can you unpack ingrained reactions to workplace conflict and how do you do that? There's a cognitive behavior therapy element missing here and that's probably what folks need most of all.
Probably the most helpful part of the book is the pattern quiz, but what you're supposed to do about any of that - assuming you have enough self-awareness to actually be honest with yourself - is unclear. Basically, everybody needs therapy. Lots and lots and lots of therapy. But most people are never going to see a therapist and that means we're back to square one: look for another job where people are screwed up in the same ways that you are; and you'll be alot happier.
If there's ever a 2nd edition, I'd love to see Lafair get dirty with it. Have it read less like a magazine article and more like a therapeutic tool. How can you score behavior patterns and what do you do - day in/day out - with what you've found? Can you unpack ingrained reactions to workplace conflict and how do you do that? There's a cognitive behavior therapy element missing here and that's probably what folks need most of all.
January 7, 2013
In Don’t Bring It To Work, Sylvia describes thirteen common patterns that can be found in the family and at work. She then provides concrete advice and steps for identifying your own pattern, and how to break free of it. By doing so, we can help change the office dynamics, become more productive, and be more successful in our careers.
Sylvia provides many case studies of going into struggling companies and helping people work out their family dynamics, with great success in changes to the work dynamics. Working for a huge government agency, I can’t even imagine this being incorporated into our HR operations. I would love for it to incorporated into our HR operations, but cannot imagine it. If it was even suggested that someone delve into their personal life for work related purposes I can hear the GRIEVANCE being screamed loud and clear.
Too bad. I am a huge believer that we are who we are. It doesn’t matter whether we are at home or work. Improving relationship dynamics in one environment must improve dynamics in the other.
To read the full review visit http://silverandgrace.com/book-review...
Sylvia provides many case studies of going into struggling companies and helping people work out their family dynamics, with great success in changes to the work dynamics. Working for a huge government agency, I can’t even imagine this being incorporated into our HR operations. I would love for it to incorporated into our HR operations, but cannot imagine it. If it was even suggested that someone delve into their personal life for work related purposes I can hear the GRIEVANCE being screamed loud and clear.
Too bad. I am a huge believer that we are who we are. It doesn’t matter whether we are at home or work. Improving relationship dynamics in one environment must improve dynamics in the other.
To read the full review visit http://silverandgrace.com/book-review...
September 17, 2012
Dr. LaFair does an excellent job making the connection between our personal and professional lives, and an even better job describing the separations. Important for you to read as an individual, essential as a manager.
November 18, 2014
Not gonna lie, I really summarized the book, read the takeaways and only read about half of the entire book. Overall gave me a few ideas on my role in my family and work. But roles were different so not sure I work into the whole psycho-analysis of the book.
April 21, 2009
Don't Bring It to Work is a book you can read over and over, great tips, tools, and ideas for handling conflict and exploring your part in the dance of conflict.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews