Stay or Leave: How to remain in, or end, your relationship

by The School of Life

A book to offer clarity and guidance when facing the difficult decision of whether your relationship has a future.

Whether we should stay in or leave a relationship is one of the most consequential and painful decisions we are ever likely to confront.

What makes the issue so hard is that there are no fixed rules for judgement. How can we tell whether a relationship is 'good enough' or plain wrong? How do we draw the line between justified longing and naivety? Does someone 'better' actually exist? Should the feelings of children be counted (and what might they be in the long term)? Could one's partner change, perhaps with therapy, or should one assume that who they are now is who they will always be?

All these questions typically haunt our minds as we weigh up whether to stay or go. With no axe to grind or ideology to promote, Stay or Leave walks us gently through our options, opening our minds to perspectives we might not have considered.

This book aims to take the reader towards a time, presently hard to imagine, when the choice will no longer feel so agonizing. Using its lessons, we can understand ourselves deeply, consider our options, minimize our regrets and find the way ahead.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Love, Psychology, Philosophy

105 pages, Kindle Edition

Published January 7, 2021

About the author

The School of Life is a global organisation helping people lead more fulfilled lives.

We believe that the journey to finding fulfilment begins with self-knowledge. It is only when we have a sense of who we really are that we can make reliable decisions, particularly around love and work.

Sadly, tools and techniques for developing self-knowledge and finding fulfilment are hard to find – they’re not taught in schools, in universities, or in workplaces. Too many of us go through life without ever really understanding what’s going on in the recesses of our minds.

That’s why we created The School of Life; a resource for helping us understand ourselves, for improving our relationships, our careers and our social lives - as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of our leisure hours. We do this through films, workshops, books and gifts - as well as through a warm and supportive community.

Reviews

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

First of all, this book has the wrong title.
I found it through the school of life’s Instagram page, as being about relationships rather than deciding to leave one or not. It does have sections on that, but I think this book should be read by everyone compulsorily 😂
It’s such an amazing, profound, enlightening book on what society tells us we should get from an intimate relationship vs the reality of two (or more) flawed humans coming together.
I liked this enough to out myself as having read it on good reads 🤣

[Aly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very informative. I enjoyed it and learned a lot. Relationships are a mess sometimes and any help we can get is worth a read. *This book was given to me for free at my request from NetGalley and I provided this voluntary review.*

[Anton · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little book that packs quite a punch of practical wisdom and insight.

I am really getting impressed by The School of Life books. I will be back for more.

Related to:
- Wild Problems: A Guide to the Decisions That Define Us
- Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
- On Confidence

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an kind and open perspective on relationships. It does discuss the question of "stay or leave?" but mostly gives space to question and reflect on how society portrays how a relationship should be vs. what might actually work for you.

[Jen Tidman · Rating 4 out of 5]

I always find a lot of value in the School of Life books; they are beautifully written, thought-provoking and insightful. This one is no different. It is predominantly aimed at those considering whether to stay in or leave a romantic relationship, but could equally apply to any kind of relationship (friend, familial, or even a job), and also suggests ways that any of these relationships could be improved (even if one was never considering leaving). As a people-pleaser who has never been great at setting boundaries and who always thinks problems must be my fault, this was particularly helpful. Of course, if you're completely satisfied with your relationships, then this can just act as a reminder to be grateful for what you have!

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably one of the best books I’ve read on relationships. I would highly recommend this even if you’re not in a position to choose between staying in or leaving a relationship. I think it’s a great tool to both help you evaluate your romantic relationships or to figure out what is it that you’re looking for in a partner. I highlighted many passages from the book; one that stuck with me is this one:

“We are not so much bad at relationships as unable to understand our needs without shame, to stick up politely for what makes us content, and to invent practical arrangements that could stand a chance of honouring our complex emotional reality.”

I will certainly read it again in the future.

[Layla Crowie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received an eARC through NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

3.5/4 stars.

An insightful book that may be of assistance to those who feel stuck in a relationship, for whatever reason. The majority of the book does sadly focus mostly on hetero monogamous relationships with offspring, which was a little disappointing. But it does attempt, in a very small way, at the end to rectify that by mentioning possible other relationship routes.

I think the advise overall is helpful, I just wish that it was aimed at the wider world of relationships across the entire spectrum.

[Leo Se · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book is provoking and not providing concrete answers and that's what I like about it. It makes you think without taking over any decision for you and that is what the journey is all about: asking questions all along and look at a topic — romantic relationships in this case, but could be any other — from different perspectives and in the end only you can decide!
4 stars and not 5, because the content was a bit narrowed down by the focus on certain types of intimate relationships. Nevertheless I really enjoyed reading this book, although I received it a bit later than when it was really needed.😄 Also a good read for my fellow singles out there. 😉

[Lector Nómada · Rating 5 out of 5]

A deeply moving, honest, revealing and *uplifting* take on relationships. School of Life is my new Bible and completely calms me down.

[Neslihan Ercan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant book, although this is mainly written for romantic relations, the methodology can also be applied in any sort of relationship- work/friends etc. It is full of practical examples and thought provoking questions.

[Aden · Rating 5 out of 5]

Illuminating; and my only complaint is simply that there isn't more of it. I'd describe it like cold water being poured all over my steaming neuroticism preventing me from accessing my intuition, to assess how I really felt. Some decisions in life are not worth overthinking.. especially the ones you make internally long before you act them out.

[Gabriel pineiro · Rating 4 out of 5]

It got kinda wordy at times and berated a few points. It’s a short read and has some good nuggets about really understanding what you might be “losing” or “gaining” when you leave or stay in a relationship.

Favorite quote: We simply don’t have the luxury of never losing out when we make a choice”

It’s too late for me 🥲 so! read this book to find out if leaving is worth the squeeze!

[Dan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is another well written book from the great School of Life series, but by the time someone gets to the stage that they have picked this up, they have probably decided to check out of their relationship already.

It’s a book written to give confidence to people caught in unfulfilling, broken or abusive relationships that already know they need to get out, but just lack the tools to do so. There are a few chapters that focus on introspection, and the importance of communication, but other than that, it’s not a book designed to improve a marriage, as much as just gauge how bad things actually are and help imagine what the exit strategy might look like.

It offers lots of 'food for thought', but someone who is truly devoted to repairing their marriage might want to find something that offers more tangible alternatives.

[Kris Chryseliou · Rating 5 out of 5]

I stayed - 5 stars

[Jorge Fernandes · Rating 4 out of 5]

It will not give you any secret recipe, but for sure a multitude of different perspectives to look at. Overall, liked reading it

[Erica · Rating 4 out of 5]

“The awkwardness of dinner by yourself is nothing compared to the challenge of feeling repeatedly misunderstood by a central person in your life.”
- Alain de Botton

“People who fear they have no choices make bad choices.”
- Alain de Botton

“On deathbeds, no medals are handed out for endurance and a limitless capacity to consume bowls of misery.”
- Alain de Botton

“No one will congratulate us on our deathbeds for having thrown away our lives.”
- Alain de Botton

“Better to blow up a home, than to continue in one unworthy of the name.”
- Alain de Botton

“The wrong kind of company for us is much lonelier than being by ourselves.”
- Alain de Botton

“The greatest hedge against regret is effort.”
- Alain de Botton

“The lover we desperately need is not the person who shares our every taste and interest; it is the kindly soul who has learnt to negotiate differences in taste with modesty and curiosity.”
- Alain de Botton


—— related commentary

“How many times have you asked a man, ‘What are you thinking?’, and been met with one of the most amazing conversations of your life? Not very often, right?”
- Wise Jokester

“Sex doesn’t engender intimacy; intimacy engenders sex.”
- Unknown

“There is no other way to guard yourself against flattery than by making men understand that telling you the truth will not offend you."
- Machiavelli

[AcademicEditor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Navigating the complexities of whether to stay in or leave a relationship can be one of the most daunting and heart-wrenching decisions we face. *Stay or Leave* by The School of Life serves as a thoughtful guide through this emotional labyrinth, offering readers clarity and guidance without pushing any particular ideology or agenda.

The book delves into the nuances of relationship dynamics, posing critical questions that help individuals reflect on their situation. It explores whether a relationship is "good enough," the potential for a partner to change, and the impact of staying or leaving on children. By presenting these considerations, the book aims to bring readers to a point where their decision feels less agonizing and more informed.

*Stay or Leave* is quick read but packed with insights that prompt significant reflection, whether you're in a troubled relationship or simply seeking to understand the dynamics of your partnership better. For anyone grappling with the decision to stay or leave their relationship, this book offers a comforting companion to guide them through their thoughts and emotions. It may not provide all the answers, but it certainly opens up pathways to finding them.

Thank you to the publishers and NetGalley for the opportunity to review a temporary digital ARC in exchange for an unbiased review.

[Jean-marie Prevost · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found a lot of value in this book. The whole "School of Life" corpus has so far been very useful, thought-provoking, and short but dense reads. This one is no different.

It has a ton of great ideas and lessons on what relationships should be, what its purposes are, what our feelings and what certain dynamics tell us about us, the other, and the relationship...

It can help you determine what your personal needs are, what you want in love and life, how to be a better partner, how to set healthy boundaries and much more.

It does discuss the idea of "when to stay vs when to leave", but it turns out there isn't a lot to say on the subject, and there isn't a ready-made solution that will 100% apply to your situation and tell you whether you should in fact, stay or leave. It tells of hints, not signs. It offers suggestions, not rules. And to be fair I'm not surprised about this, it's just that I think we all would like more clarity when making such painful decisions.

[Maria Benedita · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book very helpful and especially soothing for people going through such a difficult crossroads in their lives. Not only does it touch fundamental aspects in one's relationship, as it is extremely well structured and also brings to the table a good and healthy perspective on some difficult questions of even tougher answers. The only downside I found - and main reason why I gave it 4 stars instead of 5 - is that, at some point, this book has a rather limited focus on a Freudian theory about the impact our childhood experiences have on our love history. Apart from this, be ware that this book should in fact be named something like "How to peacefully leave a relationship" as the main focal point is rather at leaving and not at the staying part, but I'll leave that up to discussion and to the readers' judgement. :)

[Simon Holm · Rating 4 out of 5]

This short but dense book challenges modern day thinking on relationships and romanticism and provides us with an alternate perspective on questions that arise in the ambivalence of a very important decision. It does a good job in straightening out what are more or less "good" reasons for staying or leaving, and what are fears and worries that do not belong in the decision-making process.
And it does so in the humble way School of Life usually conveys thoughts on personal psychology, putting the individual first. It really helped me to reflect on my recent relationship decision, being a person who can easily overthink things and dwell on the past to no use. Although a lot of it was not applicable to my particular situation right now, it was good advice for the future. Highly useful.

[Amir · Rating 2 out of 5]

فصل پایانی‌اش، ایده‌ی کلی مدرسه‌ی زندگی را به خوبی در این سخن از کی‌یرکگور نشان داد:


ازدواج بکنی، پشیمان می‌شوی؛
ازدواج نکنی، باز هم پشیمان می‌شوی؛
چه ازدواج کنی چه نکنی، در هر حال پشیمان می‌شوی.

به حماقت دنیا بخندی، پشیمان می‌شوی؛
بر آن مویه کنی، پشیمان می‌شوی؛
چه به حماقت دنیا بخندی چه بر آن مویه کنی، پشیمان می‌شوی.

زنی را باور کنی، پشیمان می‌شوی؛
او را باور نکنی، باز هم پشیمان می‌شوی.

… خودت را حلق آویز کنی، پشیمان می‌شوی؛
خودت را حلق‌آویز نکنی، باز هم پشیمان می‌شوی؛
چه خودت را حلق‌آویز کنی چه نکنی، پشیمان می‌شوی.

آقایان، جوهرتمام فلسفه همین است.

سورن کی‌یرکگور

[Manuela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enjoyed the last part best


Helped me reduce anxiety of staying in a relationship where I was having doubts due to feelings of un fulfillment in some areas.
Just seeing other people had experienced the same frustrations and doubts, and reading some of the alternatives to the “romantic relationship model” makes me wish I’d had some important conversations earlier on. (Would recommend reading it until the VERY end; I found my answer there :) )

[Rahul Mehndiratta · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Crushes are fuelled by the lowest of expectations. When we are thinking obsessively of a new person, our demands are running in the background at almost zero."

This book can be a script for a movie or an OTT series. It is packed with a lot of life masala without having a protagonist. You could show these thoughts from the lens of a person to make it more impressionable, but overall what a fantastic read. I'm becoming a fan of THE SCHOOL OF LIFE

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

Intellectually stimulating and emotionally validating. A roadmap to help you make a conscious choice you won't regret. I was inspired and reassured. I couldn't walk from a toxic relationship if I didn't read this.

Fun Fact: I lent it to my ex for a week before the final breakup, and it works wonders!!

[Jakub Dovcik · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really kind, thought-provoking and surprisingly exhaustive, as to the ways one can approach the topic and key questions. Probably leaning a bit too much on childhood traumas, but nevertheless quite insightful.
As usual with the School of Life, it doesn’t provide simple answers, but rather a more considerate and thoughtful way of approaching a difficult issue.

[Karen Chiang · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short but insightful book I sped through in one afternoon. Although not a book that answers questions, it is one that asks a lot of insightful ones. Made for contemplating longer, sometimes troublesome relationships and maybe could even help reframe what role love plays in our lives.

[Celina]

A good read for anyone whose ability to make hard decisions about their love life has been stunted by trauma. Offers a different perspective on the utility of love and relationships and a path forward regardless of the path the reader will take.

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

CHANGED MY LIFE. Was a beautiful book, I borrowed from the library but was so good I have to buy it. The questions in one section, writing them out and considering them properly was a true revelation.

[Oatmeal Fern · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this book after i walked out from my marriage. And how this book was written was exactly were my thoughts back when i had the question, should i stay or leave. I wish i could pass my book to help someone

[Felicity · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this about 15 years too early but its cool tho