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Emotional Labor: The Invisible Work Shaping Our Lives and How to Claim Our Power
“ An urgent look at emotional labor ....Hackman’s words reveal the agency of women is still possible while the power of care, empathy, and love in action can lead us to the best in our humanity.”
― Eve Rodsky, New York Times bestselling author of Fair Play
From Journalist Rose Hackman, a deeply-researched foray into the invisible, uncompensated work women perform every day―and a profound call to action.
A stranger insists you “smile more,” even as you navigate a high-stress environment or grating commute. A mother is expected to oversee every last detail of domestic life. A nurse works on the front line, worried about her own health, but has to put on a brave face for her patients. A young professional is denied promotion for being deemed abrasive instead of placating her boss. Nearly every day, we find ourselves forced to edit our emotions to accommodate and elevate the emotions of others. Too many of us are asked to perform this exhausting, draining work at no extra cost, especially if we’re women or people of color.
Emotional labor is essential to our society and economy, but it’s so often invisible. In this groundbreaking, journalistic deep dive, Rose Hackman shares the stories of hundreds of women, tracing the history of this kind of work and exposing common manifestations of the phenomenon. But Hackman doesn’t simply diagnose a problem―she empowers us to combat this insidious force and forge pathways for radical evolution, justice, and change.
Drawing on years of research and hundreds of interviews, you’ll
· How emotional labor pervades our workplaces, from the bustling food service industry to the halls of corporate America
· How race, gender, and class unequally shape the load we carry
· Strategies for leveling the imbalances that contaminate our relationships, social circles, and households
· Empowering tools to stop anyone from gaslighting you into thinking the work you are doing is not real work
Emotional labor is real, but it no longer has to be our burden alone. By recognizing its value and insisting on its shared responsibility, we can set ourselves free and forge a path to a world where empathy, love, and caregiving claim their rightful power.
― Eve Rodsky, New York Times bestselling author of Fair Play
From Journalist Rose Hackman, a deeply-researched foray into the invisible, uncompensated work women perform every day―and a profound call to action.
A stranger insists you “smile more,” even as you navigate a high-stress environment or grating commute. A mother is expected to oversee every last detail of domestic life. A nurse works on the front line, worried about her own health, but has to put on a brave face for her patients. A young professional is denied promotion for being deemed abrasive instead of placating her boss. Nearly every day, we find ourselves forced to edit our emotions to accommodate and elevate the emotions of others. Too many of us are asked to perform this exhausting, draining work at no extra cost, especially if we’re women or people of color.
Emotional labor is essential to our society and economy, but it’s so often invisible. In this groundbreaking, journalistic deep dive, Rose Hackman shares the stories of hundreds of women, tracing the history of this kind of work and exposing common manifestations of the phenomenon. But Hackman doesn’t simply diagnose a problem―she empowers us to combat this insidious force and forge pathways for radical evolution, justice, and change.
Drawing on years of research and hundreds of interviews, you’ll
· How emotional labor pervades our workplaces, from the bustling food service industry to the halls of corporate America
· How race, gender, and class unequally shape the load we carry
· Strategies for leveling the imbalances that contaminate our relationships, social circles, and households
· Empowering tools to stop anyone from gaslighting you into thinking the work you are doing is not real work
Emotional labor is real, but it no longer has to be our burden alone. By recognizing its value and insisting on its shared responsibility, we can set ourselves free and forge a path to a world where empathy, love, and caregiving claim their rightful power.
272 pages, Hardcover
Published March 28, 2023
389 people are currently reading
10866 people want to read
About the author
Rose Hackman
1 book58 followersRose Hackman is a British journalist based in Detroit.
For the last decade, her work on gender, race, labor, policing, housing and the environment — published in The Guardian — has brought international attention to overlooked American policy issues, historically entrenched injustices, and complicated social mores.
In 2015, while working as a features writer for The Guardian in New York City, Rose wrote a widely-circulated article on emotional labor, which radically changed her way of understanding how power, gender and race affect the most intimate ways in which people relate to one another. Her research on emotional labor in the eight years since — as an invisible, devalued, feminized and yet essential form of work — has sought to drastically reframe our view of women, work and the nature of persistent inequality.
Rose grew up in post-industrial, francophone Belgium. She received her undergraduate degree in 2008 from University College London (UCL) and trained as a reporter in the Associated Press print and television newsrooms in Rome, Italy.
In 2013, she graduated with a master’s degree in Human Rights from Columbia University, where she focused on social and economic rights violations in the United States.
Rose’s first book, Emotional Labor, is out on March 28, 2023 with Flatiron Books, an imprint of Macmillan.
For the last decade, her work on gender, race, labor, policing, housing and the environment — published in The Guardian — has brought international attention to overlooked American policy issues, historically entrenched injustices, and complicated social mores.
In 2015, while working as a features writer for The Guardian in New York City, Rose wrote a widely-circulated article on emotional labor, which radically changed her way of understanding how power, gender and race affect the most intimate ways in which people relate to one another. Her research on emotional labor in the eight years since — as an invisible, devalued, feminized and yet essential form of work — has sought to drastically reframe our view of women, work and the nature of persistent inequality.
Rose grew up in post-industrial, francophone Belgium. She received her undergraduate degree in 2008 from University College London (UCL) and trained as a reporter in the Associated Press print and television newsrooms in Rome, Italy.
In 2013, she graduated with a master’s degree in Human Rights from Columbia University, where she focused on social and economic rights violations in the United States.
Rose’s first book, Emotional Labor, is out on March 28, 2023 with Flatiron Books, an imprint of Macmillan.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 298 reviews
August 1, 2022
I always read books about emotional labor because I often speak on the topic to librarians. Hackman's work will be an incredible resource for them. Meticulously researched and intersectional, this book dives deep into the extensive reach of emotional labor and how it has affected society. Often, this topic is covered from the perspective of middle-class white women who are overwhelmed with managing their spouses' and children's lives. Which is totally valid! That's me to a T and it's exhausting! But I've often read that marginalized people don't have the energy to worry about this topic because they have to battle microaggressions and oppression. Hackman explains just why this is a myth. In fact, people of color, LGBTQIA+ people, and other marginalized groups are even more burdened by emotional labor because its impact is compounded with other factors. Emotional labor is also not merely the domain of women--all genders must consider its effects on culture (and not just Western culture either). No matter what form emotional labor takes, it must be addressed--and the overall message is that humans need to respect care as work. Caregivers, people who serve the public, people in the medical field... the list goes on. Emotional labor can lead to burnout, stress, and compassion fatigue. Vocational awe (a term coined by librarian Fobazi Ettarh) holds librarians and other public service workers back because it's supposed to be "our passion" and not a job. Same thing with people who stay home with their children. I highly recommend this book if you would like to explore this subject further.
October 7, 2022
Research from the last four decades has consistently found that, as humans, our existence is primarily reliant on our emotional needs being met....One analysis that looked at results from 148 studies with over 300,000 participants showed that poor social relationships was a more detrimental factor to human survival than physical inactivity or obesity and was at least as impactful on health as smoking or drinking alcohol. p104
Rose Hackman's EMOTIONAL LABOR is the comprehensive discussion this important subject has been needing for a long time. With a topic like emotional labor, it can be easy for writers who seek to tackle it to retreat into the somewhat circular territory of defining the issue and diagnosing the problem and for goodness's sake distinguishing between the two, even though they are both (for sure) emotional labor.
Hackman doesn't have any problem juggling the complexity of this issue, or defining the symptoms of the problem emotional labor has always been. Perhaps most importantly, she suggests a staggeringly simple solution--pay those performing emotional labor a competitive wage. Such a solution would likely turn out to be terrifyingly effective. Terrifyingly? Well...it might topple the established order, might it not? Economists call “feminization of labor” the refusal to recognize and fully compensate feminine fields of work— such as care, service, and attention work— that are becoming the bulk of the economy. Government helps the power holders in private feminized industries, including the service sector, by not requiring employers to provide the same basic labor rights to their workers that has been common in masculine industries, such as manufacturing, since the 1930s. This economic arrangement is heavily reliant on the belief that feminized emotional labor is an expression of diminished status that deserves little in exchange for its performance. p112
One of the most important aspects of Hackman's book is its concern with the many different communities that have historically been and still are exploited for emotional labor: black women and women of color, trans women, men, and nonbinary individuals, immigrants, and queer women. Hackman didn't extend her argument to a group of individuals who must perform a grave duty of emotional labor every day, at least in the US, and that's disabled individuals and mentally ill individuals. To me, this lack was palpable, but it leaves room for further research on the subject.
In the end, Hackman's conclusion was clear and smart. Pay women for the work they already do, that you already benefit from. Why? Because they love you when no one else does.
Love, a sense of connection, and belonging could not be more valuable to human thriving— more so than the food that we eat or the roof over our head. p104
The prose was clear and engaging, and the voice at times became passionate. I think rarely Hackman even almost-cursed or used muddy colloquialisms to show her own emotional investment in the topic. Though the book is dense (550 pp without the 200 pp of endnotes, I don't care what Goodreads says!), I made steady progress because of the good writing. Read the endnotes. There's treasure there.
Taking off a half star because of absolutely *no* mention of disabled activism and other forms of disabled emotional labor.
Rating 4.5 stars
Finished October 2022
Recommended for readers of feminist theory, intersectional theory, queer theory, social theory, capitalist theory, psychology
Thank you NetGalley, Rose Hackman, and MacMillan USA for an ARC of this fantastic book. Can't wait to buy a print copy!
*Follow my Instagram book blog for all my reviews, challenges, and book lists! http://www.instagram.com/donasbooks *
Rose Hackman's EMOTIONAL LABOR is the comprehensive discussion this important subject has been needing for a long time. With a topic like emotional labor, it can be easy for writers who seek to tackle it to retreat into the somewhat circular territory of defining the issue and diagnosing the problem and for goodness's sake distinguishing between the two, even though they are both (for sure) emotional labor.
Hackman doesn't have any problem juggling the complexity of this issue, or defining the symptoms of the problem emotional labor has always been. Perhaps most importantly, she suggests a staggeringly simple solution--pay those performing emotional labor a competitive wage. Such a solution would likely turn out to be terrifyingly effective. Terrifyingly? Well...it might topple the established order, might it not? Economists call “feminization of labor” the refusal to recognize and fully compensate feminine fields of work— such as care, service, and attention work— that are becoming the bulk of the economy. Government helps the power holders in private feminized industries, including the service sector, by not requiring employers to provide the same basic labor rights to their workers that has been common in masculine industries, such as manufacturing, since the 1930s. This economic arrangement is heavily reliant on the belief that feminized emotional labor is an expression of diminished status that deserves little in exchange for its performance. p112
One of the most important aspects of Hackman's book is its concern with the many different communities that have historically been and still are exploited for emotional labor: black women and women of color, trans women, men, and nonbinary individuals, immigrants, and queer women. Hackman didn't extend her argument to a group of individuals who must perform a grave duty of emotional labor every day, at least in the US, and that's disabled individuals and mentally ill individuals. To me, this lack was palpable, but it leaves room for further research on the subject.
In the end, Hackman's conclusion was clear and smart. Pay women for the work they already do, that you already benefit from. Why? Because they love you when no one else does.
Love, a sense of connection, and belonging could not be more valuable to human thriving— more so than the food that we eat or the roof over our head. p104
The prose was clear and engaging, and the voice at times became passionate. I think rarely Hackman even almost-cursed or used muddy colloquialisms to show her own emotional investment in the topic. Though the book is dense (550 pp without the 200 pp of endnotes, I don't care what Goodreads says!), I made steady progress because of the good writing. Read the endnotes. There's treasure there.
Taking off a half star because of absolutely *no* mention of disabled activism and other forms of disabled emotional labor.
Rating 4.5 stars
Finished October 2022
Recommended for readers of feminist theory, intersectional theory, queer theory, social theory, capitalist theory, psychology
Thank you NetGalley, Rose Hackman, and MacMillan USA for an ARC of this fantastic book. Can't wait to buy a print copy!
*Follow my Instagram book blog for all my reviews, challenges, and book lists! http://www.instagram.com/donasbooks *
October 20, 2023
An absolutely flawless book. Inclusive, well researched. It put words to the weight of carrying the emotional load as a woman and a caregiver. Rose described the maddening experiences of emotional self-betrayal, and the exhaustion of measured communication and brilliantly balanced it with giving emotional labor the respect and value it deserves. It was a celebration of the labor that creates connection and nurtures communities and a challenging look at how unequal expectations around who does this labor harms us all. This book is validating and transformative. Everyone, especially cis-men, should read this!
April 13, 2024
A very insightful & inclusive critique of the unpaid labor women perform daily. There were a lot of moments of recognition in this for me.
December 31, 2022
3.5
The subject matter was very interesting, and I think Rose Hackman brought up very good examples and points. However, I did find the writing to be a bit dry and also repetitive. It felt longer than it needed to be, and the time spent on potential solutions seemed minimal / simplistic.
Received a free copy from Netgalley.
The subject matter was very interesting, and I think Rose Hackman brought up very good examples and points. However, I did find the writing to be a bit dry and also repetitive. It felt longer than it needed to be, and the time spent on potential solutions seemed minimal / simplistic.
Received a free copy from Netgalley.
May 4, 2023
Everyone should read this book, but especially straight women. It’s hard to take it. I’m not sure what to do with what it opened my eyes to see. But this is a powerful and true book. We can do better as a society.
June 12, 2023
Only just now are we identifying an unnamed problem--emotional labor. Everyone does it, to an extent. Whether it's working in the service industry, caring for your family, or (not so) simply trying to navigate this society, we're all doing it. The problem is though, that some people do it WAY MORE than others. Take women, for example. While women are still striving for workplace equality, domestic and family living remains hugely unequal. Think of the previously denoted Second Shift. Think of managing your boyfriend's emotions. Think of being told to and trained to be empathetic, sympathetic, and as agreeable and problem-solve-y as possible to your own detriment because if you don't maintain and ensure the space around you is happy, you're failing!
Rose Hackman takes a look at various different ways in which emotional labor plays out, and how this may look different across different lived experiences. This book offered plenty by way of referencing studies and various anecdotes.
Most striking for me was the last chapter, as Hackman focuses on the prison system. Many people, as we know, are in jail for offenses that hardly count as criminal. Not only this, but these people tend to be people of color and often times impoverished. Thus, wives and girlfriends must make a decision between bail and their own livelihood. Bail versus food versus rent versus childcare. How can one be expected to make that decision not only for one's self, but for one's family, one's loved one currently incarcerated? What a terrible, horrid decision. It's one that I'd never even thought about making, much less knew about. But when Hackman enlightened me on this, it felt like my perspective on a couple different topics suddenly became clearer and more cemented.
Rose Hackman takes a look at various different ways in which emotional labor plays out, and how this may look different across different lived experiences. This book offered plenty by way of referencing studies and various anecdotes.
Most striking for me was the last chapter, as Hackman focuses on the prison system. Many people, as we know, are in jail for offenses that hardly count as criminal. Not only this, but these people tend to be people of color and often times impoverished. Thus, wives and girlfriends must make a decision between bail and their own livelihood. Bail versus food versus rent versus childcare. How can one be expected to make that decision not only for one's self, but for one's family, one's loved one currently incarcerated? What a terrible, horrid decision. It's one that I'd never even thought about making, much less knew about. But when Hackman enlightened me on this, it felt like my perspective on a couple different topics suddenly became clearer and more cemented.
September 9, 2023
Rose Hackman makes the argument that women extol emotional labor at a higher frequency than their male counterparts because it has become our "duty" to ensure "men's enjoyment and experience of the world are a priority while women are trained primarily to create and facilitate those experiences." This unpaid form of labor extends beyond the bounds of the average American household, where it pervades despite socioeconomic status, race, and other factors, to the workplace
She further posits: "We live with the illusion that we gave reached gender equity, but so many indicators around us point to the contrary...those of us fortunate enough to have been brought up in wealthier economies and democracies have likely also been accustomed to our governments and institutions pointing out how comparatively unequal other societies and cultures are, rarely turning the mirror on themsleves. We are also acutely aware of how many more rights and choices we have compared to our mothers and grandmothers....these comparative advantages are fair and important to point out. But they do not change the fact that women continue to be placed below men, that our experiences are diminished and often expunged for the sake of men, and that the fundamentals of gender power distribution have remained intact."
Emotional labor is not just evident at home, but in the workplace as well, where service workers (which Hackman claims are mostly positions held by women - not convinced this is accurate based on personal experience and no reference listed in this book) "make more than what their employers pay them thanks to tips left by customers, who carry the burden of workers' wages passed on to them by employers. From an emotional labor perspective, this is the ultimate manifestation of duplicity of a system relying on the emotional labor of employees to turn a profit - but wholly unwilling to pay for it."
....and then, about halfway through, my focus becomes completely derailed....
Here are my concluding thoughts:
Overall, this book could've been half the size due to the dizzying amount of unnecessary details, and detours from the topic at hand. It was more of a book on the pitfalls of our patriarchal society vs an exploration of emotional labor, and that's not what I signed up for. I already know about the violence against women, how we aren't paid equitably, etc. I'm a woman and I live with it everyday. I really wanted an in depth exploration into the titled topic vs an explanation of my daily experiences as a woman.
Additionally, I completely disagreed with some of the opinions in this book, notably, "for men in this world, the most dangerous thing they can do status-wise, still, is be seen as femine." What utter bullshit. I mean, this insinuates that these "men" are also hanging around some deplorable women if the women think the worst these men can do is act feminine. I stopped reading here. It's one thing to begin a piece of non-fiction with a topic and deep dive, but the emotionally inciteful overreaching is over the top and makes Hackman lose credibility IMO.
She further posits: "We live with the illusion that we gave reached gender equity, but so many indicators around us point to the contrary...those of us fortunate enough to have been brought up in wealthier economies and democracies have likely also been accustomed to our governments and institutions pointing out how comparatively unequal other societies and cultures are, rarely turning the mirror on themsleves. We are also acutely aware of how many more rights and choices we have compared to our mothers and grandmothers....these comparative advantages are fair and important to point out. But they do not change the fact that women continue to be placed below men, that our experiences are diminished and often expunged for the sake of men, and that the fundamentals of gender power distribution have remained intact."
Emotional labor is not just evident at home, but in the workplace as well, where service workers (which Hackman claims are mostly positions held by women - not convinced this is accurate based on personal experience and no reference listed in this book) "make more than what their employers pay them thanks to tips left by customers, who carry the burden of workers' wages passed on to them by employers. From an emotional labor perspective, this is the ultimate manifestation of duplicity of a system relying on the emotional labor of employees to turn a profit - but wholly unwilling to pay for it."
....and then, about halfway through, my focus becomes completely derailed....
Here are my concluding thoughts:
Overall, this book could've been half the size due to the dizzying amount of unnecessary details, and detours from the topic at hand. It was more of a book on the pitfalls of our patriarchal society vs an exploration of emotional labor, and that's not what I signed up for. I already know about the violence against women, how we aren't paid equitably, etc. I'm a woman and I live with it everyday. I really wanted an in depth exploration into the titled topic vs an explanation of my daily experiences as a woman.
Additionally, I completely disagreed with some of the opinions in this book, notably, "for men in this world, the most dangerous thing they can do status-wise, still, is be seen as femine." What utter bullshit. I mean, this insinuates that these "men" are also hanging around some deplorable women if the women think the worst these men can do is act feminine. I stopped reading here. It's one thing to begin a piece of non-fiction with a topic and deep dive, but the emotionally inciteful overreaching is over the top and makes Hackman lose credibility IMO.
August 17, 2023
this was depressing but also hopeful(?) in that having this problem identified and named and defined will allow us to work towards a solution or a better place. personally, i think this should be required reading, especially for men(!!!) and also for those entering the business landscape hoping to be a good leader one day. it’s honestly kind of scary reading this and seeing this play out in real life through others and through myself and it’s so fucking exhausting and dehumanizing and you have to tiptoe around the subject to not upset egos and that’s even more draining.
emotional labor is important and necessary, but because our system has decentered empathy as a valuable trait we still benefit from the emotional labor of others but refuse to acknowledge it and put down the very people we rely on to provide this labor. really think about how you have been a beneficiary of emotional labor and the utter unequal distribution of it. our society needs it to function but this cannot be at the expense of those who have been socialized into providing it. there needs to be a radical shift within our views. hackman really dives deep and does a great job of outlining the pure breadth of it all so i’ll just use her quotes below that really stuck out to me.
“men’s enjoyment and experience of the world are a priority while women are trained primarily to create and facilitate those experiences.”
“Because the threat of rape and assault, especially on girls and women and perpetrated by men, is not only everywhere, we all shift to accommodate it.”
“casting emotional labor as natural— holds women hostage”
“They can be good girls and accept their inferior position, performing all the sweet, smiley, demure, and compliant traits that might get them protection from society and a man… It is a false choice, of course. Good girls are only ever one step away from being branded bad.”
emotional labor is important and necessary, but because our system has decentered empathy as a valuable trait we still benefit from the emotional labor of others but refuse to acknowledge it and put down the very people we rely on to provide this labor. really think about how you have been a beneficiary of emotional labor and the utter unequal distribution of it. our society needs it to function but this cannot be at the expense of those who have been socialized into providing it. there needs to be a radical shift within our views. hackman really dives deep and does a great job of outlining the pure breadth of it all so i’ll just use her quotes below that really stuck out to me.
“men’s enjoyment and experience of the world are a priority while women are trained primarily to create and facilitate those experiences.”
“Because the threat of rape and assault, especially on girls and women and perpetrated by men, is not only everywhere, we all shift to accommodate it.”
“casting emotional labor as natural— holds women hostage”
“They can be good girls and accept their inferior position, performing all the sweet, smiley, demure, and compliant traits that might get them protection from society and a man… It is a false choice, of course. Good girls are only ever one step away from being branded bad.”
January 5, 2024
Rounded up from 4.5
Turns out so much of what I’d thought of as emotional labor was actually almost all mental labor/the invisible work of the mental load of parenting and emotional labor is a whole different ball game. I resonated a different amount with each chapter and I find some of the proposed solutions a little too facile or just… so many steps away from our current reality with no intermediary action steps to move forward with… but overall this book gave such researched and specific examples and vocabulary and made me aware of aspects in my life I am privileged to do less emotional labor vs aspects in my life when I’ve been discounting my own emotional labor and then wondering why I’m totally burned out
A strong start to reading/learning for the new year
Turns out so much of what I’d thought of as emotional labor was actually almost all mental labor/the invisible work of the mental load of parenting and emotional labor is a whole different ball game. I resonated a different amount with each chapter and I find some of the proposed solutions a little too facile or just… so many steps away from our current reality with no intermediary action steps to move forward with… but overall this book gave such researched and specific examples and vocabulary and made me aware of aspects in my life I am privileged to do less emotional labor vs aspects in my life when I’ve been discounting my own emotional labor and then wondering why I’m totally burned out
A strong start to reading/learning for the new year
October 20, 2024
This was an excellent book. Not my normal cup of tea, but I enjoyed opening my eyes and learning about emotional labor and how it comes into my daily life.
July 1, 2024
"Women across the world are taught from a very young age to regulate, modulate, and manipulate their feelings in order to have a positive effect on the feelings of others."
When I picked up this book, I thought I was in for some therapy-like work akin to "What Happened to You?" I was so wrong and am grateful! What an incredible investigation on the private, professional and societal implications of emotional labor. Ms. Rose attacked this from every angle and I was hooked. The points and issues were ones that many women are familiar with, but she paired this with incredible facts from research, history and anecdotes. The mirror she was able to weave through this work made me feel both enraged, exhausted, terrified and hopeful.
The beautiful point this book made is that emotional labor is not the bad guy. As a society we should be in community and part of that work will be emotional labor. What the author points out over and over again is the harm that has resulted from only one group being tasked with performing this labor. I loved how she came swinging! No group was above critique and she dismantled common sexist retorts so easily. I really appreciated how she knew the optics of her narrating this conversation as a white woman. I believe she did a great job at handling the intersectionality of various identities such as race and class in this discussion. This truly should be required reading by all as we work towards dismantling a patriarchy that hurts us all.
When I picked up this book, I thought I was in for some therapy-like work akin to "What Happened to You?" I was so wrong and am grateful! What an incredible investigation on the private, professional and societal implications of emotional labor. Ms. Rose attacked this from every angle and I was hooked. The points and issues were ones that many women are familiar with, but she paired this with incredible facts from research, history and anecdotes. The mirror she was able to weave through this work made me feel both enraged, exhausted, terrified and hopeful.
The beautiful point this book made is that emotional labor is not the bad guy. As a society we should be in community and part of that work will be emotional labor. What the author points out over and over again is the harm that has resulted from only one group being tasked with performing this labor. I loved how she came swinging! No group was above critique and she dismantled common sexist retorts so easily. I really appreciated how she knew the optics of her narrating this conversation as a white woman. I believe she did a great job at handling the intersectionality of various identities such as race and class in this discussion. This truly should be required reading by all as we work towards dismantling a patriarchy that hurts us all.
July 1, 2023
A pretty comprehensive look at emotional labor across gender, sex and race; in the home, the workplace, and society at large. I was familiar with many of the (very upsetting) studies such as the orgasm gap, stats on men abandoning their sick wives etc from being in online feminist spaces across the years but having it all in one place was a real sucker punch.
Some big takeaways for me were:
“lean in” culture where we encourage women to “act like men” doesn’t fix the greater need to put value on traditionally feminine traits/work. The goal should be to create a kinder, more loving society that invests in emotional labor, not encouraging a colder more individualistic culture.
But also at an individual level (when safe to do so), stop letting men off the hook and prioritizing their needs and feelings! Must break down having your identity baked into labor (the all sacrificing mom, the do anything coworker, etc). Compulsive caretaking leads to burnout and resentment.
Some big takeaways for me were:
“lean in” culture where we encourage women to “act like men” doesn’t fix the greater need to put value on traditionally feminine traits/work. The goal should be to create a kinder, more loving society that invests in emotional labor, not encouraging a colder more individualistic culture.
But also at an individual level (when safe to do so), stop letting men off the hook and prioritizing their needs and feelings! Must break down having your identity baked into labor (the all sacrificing mom, the do anything coworker, etc). Compulsive caretaking leads to burnout and resentment.
May 5, 2023
I haven’t felt this seen in so long. There’s something beautiful about reading something that can concisely explain feelings that you’ve always had but never knew what they meant. Emotional labor is something that is grossly undervalued, misunderstood, and not discussed enough. This book did such a fantastic job of giving sociological examples of emotional labor, statistics to support claims , analyzing feminist theory and applying it to the idea of what emotional labor is, and making connections to white supremacy and capitalism. Brilliant book.
May 11, 2023
This book had so much potential and I don’t necessarily disagree with it, but I don’t enjoy books whose sole purpose is to point out ways in which society is screwed up. Give me action items, give me points for debate or thought, but don’t just leave me angry and upset. There’s possibility for more and it was squandered here. Plus the constant focus on the genders was so nonstop it made the very rare mention of non-gender-conforming relationships sound trite and thrown in rather than a true evaluation of their importance in the discussion. Overall potential but didn’t live up to it.
September 27, 2023
It’s a good book. Despite the fact, that the main focus here is an emotional labor itself, it can be a great introduction to feminism for those, who are still don’t understand it’s importance. The book contains lots of personal stories as well as research references, which make it a trustful source.
January 19, 2023
I loved this book!!! Thorough and life-changing, this subject defining exploration of the myriads of ways Emotional Labor has determined human history, breaks new ground with its clarion call to use the awareness of emotional labor to shift power structures and help balance society. In short, she proves Emotional Labor is inflation and recession proof.
December 29, 2024
I'm going to be referencing this book a lot. Emotional labor IS LABOR. And should be compensated and celebrated as such:
Emotional labor is not something women "just do", or something optional. It's everything meaningful in life.
I will be going out of my way to thank those doing this work & advocating for others to do the same.
Emotional labor is not something women "just do", or something optional. It's everything meaningful in life.
I will be going out of my way to thank those doing this work & advocating for others to do the same.
July 26, 2023
Read this book if you want to better understand the current nature of gender, racial, and social inequity. This is a life changing book
April 15, 2023
Emotional labor in its current dominant expression is about power. It takes the form of submission, compliance, survival, emotional repression and forecasting, and most importantly, survival. The last point was particularly interesting because it's in the context of surviving in patriarchal society and is a direct result of rape culture and how embedded women are socialized to prioritize the feelings of men for fear of you guessed it safety. New concepts I learned, man box, compulsory caretaking, and surface acting are all other forms of emotional labor.
I appreciated the acknowledgment that women with other marginalized identities have to negotiate emotional labor for a number of reasons. And that men need that men need to contend with the adverse effects of not fully engaging in emotions.
But what I really appreciated is saying the quiet part, which is emotional labor, is a necessary function of being in community. It's a natural exchange. The issue is that the distribution of emotional regular is unequal and devalued. This is the key, and I wished there were more chapters on this point.
I appreciated the acknowledgment that women with other marginalized identities have to negotiate emotional labor for a number of reasons. And that men need that men need to contend with the adverse effects of not fully engaging in emotions.
But what I really appreciated is saying the quiet part, which is emotional labor, is a necessary function of being in community. It's a natural exchange. The issue is that the distribution of emotional regular is unequal and devalued. This is the key, and I wished there were more chapters on this point.
February 2, 2024
This book was well researched with plenty of supporting data. It was a tough read. I find the topic of emotional labor (and all unpaid labor) disheartening. I don't see a future where the problem of unpaid labor is resolved, it just seems like too big of an issue.
May 17, 2025
Well articulated book about the invisible work women do. I am thankful for this book and I hope many people read. It wasn’t all new to me but it was nice to be reminded and have more language to describe the everyday ness of being a woman.
April 24, 2025
A very insightful and informative book. It has already changed my way of looking at things and the way I interact with the world. This is a topic we should all learn more about!
June 23, 2024
Great book with some unique insights into what it is like being a woman who is, consciously or unconsciously, always doing free emotional labor. The author had done research to find these conclusions, and it was a bit of a relief to finally be able to put words to feelings I'd always had but never been able to really identify. My one gripe with this book is I feel it didn't give enough advice on what to do about it. But overall great book.
July 24, 2024
A solid 4.5, rounded up. This book is well written and easily understandable, addressing issues about how the imbalance of emotional labor affects everyone. It reminds me of “Invisible Women” but focuses more on labor and is a slightly easier read with less data/statistics. Both books are fantastic, and I would 100% recommend this to everyone.
July 19, 2023
WOW. This book is incredible and I hope everyone reads it.
September 11, 2024
4.5
This book was incredibly well-done and important!! It told a well-rounded, well-backed, intersectional stance for the inequality AND importance of emotional (aka empathetically-centered) labor in our society.
Some chapters felt too much like a Ted Talk, which is why I didn’t give it the full 5 stars.
My 2 favorite experts:
1) “Tim, a [feminist-identifying] scientist, would never have dared say to me that women are better cooks or women are better cleaners; and yet Tim did seem to say (unapologetically) that women are just naturally more gifted with emotions…”
2) "The point with emotional labor is not that it inherently points to an injustice. When seen, when valued or appreciated, or when part of an exchange, a mutuality, an ecosystem where love is power - then it needn't be exploitative. Quite the contrary: doing emotional labor for people who are doing it for you is the goal, not the problem."
This book was incredibly well-done and important!! It told a well-rounded, well-backed, intersectional stance for the inequality AND importance of emotional (aka empathetically-centered) labor in our society.
Some chapters felt too much like a Ted Talk, which is why I didn’t give it the full 5 stars.
My 2 favorite experts:
1) “Tim, a [feminist-identifying] scientist, would never have dared say to me that women are better cooks or women are better cleaners; and yet Tim did seem to say (unapologetically) that women are just naturally more gifted with emotions…”
2) "The point with emotional labor is not that it inherently points to an injustice. When seen, when valued or appreciated, or when part of an exchange, a mutuality, an ecosystem where love is power - then it needn't be exploitative. Quite the contrary: doing emotional labor for people who are doing it for you is the goal, not the problem."
March 30, 2023
This should be required reading for everyone. Amazing. Well researched and written, Hackman hits on so many essential topics and conversations that continue to face women and really makes you think about who you are and the invisible factors that have shaped your persona. Read this book. You won’t regret it. You’ll probably get angry, but you won’t regret it one bit.
September 28, 2023
Another book men should read but probably won't.
Very intersectional
Very intersectional
July 3, 2025
I picked up Rose Hackman’s Emotional Labor because, even after decades of living with its demands, I’m still trying to understand why it feels so hard to name, justify, and revalue the work of caring—especially when it costs you so much of yourself.
Reading this, I kept thinking about a conversation I had with my MA advisor 25 years ago. I was trying—fumbling, really—to articulate how caregiving was starting to consume my life. How I couldn’t figure out how to balance my own ambitions with the expectations I felt from my family, culture, and heritage. I assumed he might understand. He also cared for his elderly widowed mother, and I thought maybe he’d offer some recognition or at least help me feel less selfish for wanting to put my own life first.
Halfway through that conversation, though, I realized he literally did not understand what I was talking about. He could afford to outsource most of the emotional and logistical weight of caregiving—something his social position as a single, white, cisgender man made more accessible. The invisible supports he could rely on were exactly the ones I couldn’t.
That’s why Hackman’s book resonated so deeply. She doesn’t get lost in circular arguments—she moves confidently from definition to diagnosis to solution. Her argument is clear and galvanizing: emotional labor isn’t a private, individual failing or a personal virtue. It’s structural, it’s gendered, and it’s systematically devalued because it’s feminized.
One of the most important aspects of this book is its consistent attention to intersectionality. Hackman shows how marginalized communities—Black women and women of color, trans women, nonbinary people, immigrants, and queer women—have always borne disproportionate demands for emotional labor. She also dismantles the myth that these groups don’t have the time or energy to think about this issue. In fact, they often experience it more intensely, because it compounds with racism, classism, and other oppressions.
I wish Hackman had extended this same depth of analysis to the experiences of disabled people. There’s very little here about disabled or chronically ill individuals, who are often expected to perform enormous amounts of emotional labor just to survive or to make others comfortable. For me, that felt like a missed opportunity.
Still, the prose is clear and engaging, and she doesn’t resort to jargon or lose her focus. Though the book is long, it’s very readable. Just take your time.
In the end, Hackman’s message is simple and radical: pay women for the work they already do, the work you already benefit from. Value caregiving as labor, not as an inexhaustible, invisible gift.
Highly recommended for readers of feminist theory, intersectional theory, queer theory, social theory, or anyone trying to make sense of the invisible toll caregiving extracts.
Reading this, I kept thinking about a conversation I had with my MA advisor 25 years ago. I was trying—fumbling, really—to articulate how caregiving was starting to consume my life. How I couldn’t figure out how to balance my own ambitions with the expectations I felt from my family, culture, and heritage. I assumed he might understand. He also cared for his elderly widowed mother, and I thought maybe he’d offer some recognition or at least help me feel less selfish for wanting to put my own life first.
Halfway through that conversation, though, I realized he literally did not understand what I was talking about. He could afford to outsource most of the emotional and logistical weight of caregiving—something his social position as a single, white, cisgender man made more accessible. The invisible supports he could rely on were exactly the ones I couldn’t.
That’s why Hackman’s book resonated so deeply. She doesn’t get lost in circular arguments—she moves confidently from definition to diagnosis to solution. Her argument is clear and galvanizing: emotional labor isn’t a private, individual failing or a personal virtue. It’s structural, it’s gendered, and it’s systematically devalued because it’s feminized.
One of the most important aspects of this book is its consistent attention to intersectionality. Hackman shows how marginalized communities—Black women and women of color, trans women, nonbinary people, immigrants, and queer women—have always borne disproportionate demands for emotional labor. She also dismantles the myth that these groups don’t have the time or energy to think about this issue. In fact, they often experience it more intensely, because it compounds with racism, classism, and other oppressions.
I wish Hackman had extended this same depth of analysis to the experiences of disabled people. There’s very little here about disabled or chronically ill individuals, who are often expected to perform enormous amounts of emotional labor just to survive or to make others comfortable. For me, that felt like a missed opportunity.
Still, the prose is clear and engaging, and she doesn’t resort to jargon or lose her focus. Though the book is long, it’s very readable. Just take your time.
In the end, Hackman’s message is simple and radical: pay women for the work they already do, the work you already benefit from. Value caregiving as labor, not as an inexhaustible, invisible gift.
Highly recommended for readers of feminist theory, intersectional theory, queer theory, social theory, or anyone trying to make sense of the invisible toll caregiving extracts.
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