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Own Your Past Change Your Future: A Not-So-Complicated Approach to Relationships, Mental Health & Wellness
Your Mental Health Matters.
We’re the most technologically advanced society in history, but we’ve never been more stressed, medicated, or lonely. We have 1,000 Facebook friends but no one to help us move our couch. The pace of life is making us exhausted.
We’re all carrying the weight of our trauma based on the stories we were told by others and the ones we tell ourselves—and those stories are like bricks in a backpack that keep us from being happy and healthy. In his new book, national bestselling author Dr. John Delony provides a clear, five-step path to being well.
You’ll learn how
You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. Your thoughts and actions will be challenged. And if you take the steps John outlines, you’ll learn how to leave the past where it belongs and get on the path to healing.
We’re the most technologically advanced society in history, but we’ve never been more stressed, medicated, or lonely. We have 1,000 Facebook friends but no one to help us move our couch. The pace of life is making us exhausted.
We’re all carrying the weight of our trauma based on the stories we were told by others and the ones we tell ourselves—and those stories are like bricks in a backpack that keep us from being happy and healthy. In his new book, national bestselling author Dr. John Delony provides a clear, five-step path to being well.
You’ll learn how
You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. Your thoughts and actions will be challenged. And if you take the steps John outlines, you’ll learn how to leave the past where it belongs and get on the path to healing.
266 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2022
864 people are currently reading
4146 people want to read
About the author
John Delony
4 books379 followersDr. John Delony is a national bestselling author, mental health and wellness expert, and host of The Dr. John Delony Show. He holds two PhDs—one in counselor education and supervision, and another in higher education administration. Before joining Ramsey Solutions, John spent two decades working as a senior leader, researcher, and professor at multiple universities. He also spent years working in crisis and emergency response. Now, as a Ramsey Personality, he teaches people how to reclaim their lives from the madness of the modern world.
John and his family reside in Franklin, Tennessee.
John and his family reside in Franklin, Tennessee.
Ratings & Reviews
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 363 reviews
May 7, 2022
I want to preface this by saying I listened to the audiobook on a long car ride, so maybe if I would have read it over a longer period of time, my experience would have been different.
I really enjoy listening to Dr. Delony’s podcast with my husband and ultimately I like the principles he shares in his podcast and in this book.
However, I was so distracted by the writing that it was hard to focus on the actual take-away points. For example, it felt like every other minute of the audiobook was another long list of different situations. (Ex. “Poor people. Rich people. Extroverted people. Introverted people. Religious people. Atheists. Married people. Single people. Divorced people. People having affairs. People with deep meaning in their work and people who were radically disengaged at work.”) This isn’t a big deal every now and then, but it felt like a constant. After awhile I thought, how many commas does this book have because it seems like a lot! I get that he is trying to explain these principles in the context of different people’s circumstances, but it just felt unnecessary in a lot of places or over the top. Also, it felt like there were “in this chapter we will…” and “the rest of this chapter” moments a lot more than usual and I wanted to say just get on with it!
Okay, I understand that these are kind of small things and based off other reviews I am an outlier, but I wanted to like this book and I was surprised by how much I struggled with the writing. Totally a personal preference and I think if I would have read the book instead of listened to it, I probably would feel differently about it.
I really enjoy listening to Dr. Delony’s podcast with my husband and ultimately I like the principles he shares in his podcast and in this book.
However, I was so distracted by the writing that it was hard to focus on the actual take-away points. For example, it felt like every other minute of the audiobook was another long list of different situations. (Ex. “Poor people. Rich people. Extroverted people. Introverted people. Religious people. Atheists. Married people. Single people. Divorced people. People having affairs. People with deep meaning in their work and people who were radically disengaged at work.”) This isn’t a big deal every now and then, but it felt like a constant. After awhile I thought, how many commas does this book have because it seems like a lot! I get that he is trying to explain these principles in the context of different people’s circumstances, but it just felt unnecessary in a lot of places or over the top. Also, it felt like there were “in this chapter we will…” and “the rest of this chapter” moments a lot more than usual and I wanted to say just get on with it!
Okay, I understand that these are kind of small things and based off other reviews I am an outlier, but I wanted to like this book and I was surprised by how much I struggled with the writing. Totally a personal preference and I think if I would have read the book instead of listened to it, I probably would feel differently about it.
July 20, 2022
We have thoughts and believe they’re true.
P. 21
Over the past few centuries, we’ve traded speed for rigor; innovation for wisdom; achievement for sanity; technology for connection; and disconnection for immediate comfort. Page 32
Being honest and vomiting up feelings are important, but they should not be the high water mark of friendship.
Presence is. Showing up is. Being fully known and still fully loved is.
Hitting the “thumbs up” emoji is not friendship. Laying down your life is. Page 88
You cannot control what happened. You control how you think about it and what you do next.
You cannot control which thoughts flash into your mind. But you control what you think of next.
Control what you can control and sat the rest down. Page 221
Your identity is the sum total of your actions. Page 231.
We keep gathering data as an antidote to anxiety, but we don’t put the data to work. Page 244.
“…every minute you choose being resentful, angry, or bitter, is a minute you’re choosing to have less joy, less love, and less fun. When you choose anger and resentment, you’re choosing not to fully live whatever life you have left. To be whole, you have to set down your anger, forgive, and let those things go.“ Page 255
“Wellness Is an approach to life. It is an action, a way of being – not a destination.” Emily Nagoski page 259
P. 21
Over the past few centuries, we’ve traded speed for rigor; innovation for wisdom; achievement for sanity; technology for connection; and disconnection for immediate comfort. Page 32
Being honest and vomiting up feelings are important, but they should not be the high water mark of friendship.
Presence is. Showing up is. Being fully known and still fully loved is.
Hitting the “thumbs up” emoji is not friendship. Laying down your life is. Page 88
You cannot control what happened. You control how you think about it and what you do next.
You cannot control which thoughts flash into your mind. But you control what you think of next.
Control what you can control and sat the rest down. Page 221
Your identity is the sum total of your actions. Page 231.
We keep gathering data as an antidote to anxiety, but we don’t put the data to work. Page 244.
“…every minute you choose being resentful, angry, or bitter, is a minute you’re choosing to have less joy, less love, and less fun. When you choose anger and resentment, you’re choosing not to fully live whatever life you have left. To be whole, you have to set down your anger, forgive, and let those things go.“ Page 255
“Wellness Is an approach to life. It is an action, a way of being – not a destination.” Emily Nagoski page 259
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 2, 2022
I don’t typically read this kind of book, but I was impressed by the practical advice on how to take charge of your life and stop making excuses. He uses humor, personal stories, and wise insight to show us how to handle our past, take charge of our thoughts, and change our actions. I was challenged throughout to take stock of the stories I’m telling myself and then move into action. Mr. Delony also challenges us to connect intentionally in our relationships and that’s something I needed to hear. God made us to live in relationship with Him and others. Not to live on our own. I’d highly recommend this for anyone whether you think you have anything in your past to deal with or not. There’s so much more to it than that and it’s well worth the read.
August 28, 2022
There were a lot of great points in this book. I’m writing this review weeks after reading it, so I don’t remember details and if this is one I’d recommend for teens, but I definitely recommend it for Christian adults who want to do some heart-searching. There are a few comments throughout the book that state facts of sin as well as righteousness without saying which angle is right or wrong. However, I found Biblical principles to be woven solid throughout this whole book.
Just two quotes to give a taste:
“Hold life loosely, because it was never yours to begin with.”
“If I miss my goals, my life doesn’t end. I just start over.”
Just two quotes to give a taste:
“Hold life loosely, because it was never yours to begin with.”
“If I miss my goals, my life doesn’t end. I just start over.”
March 27, 2022
Self help book that doesn’t make you shy away from yourself. It feels like John is right there having a beer and chit chatting with you. Brings your awareness to things, without diving into the ugly, he gives details solutions and resources on how to best handle those things that come to light.
I also loved that John spoke of language “let’s go” “I’m committed to this journey too” “I’m working on this” it gives you a sense of not going through this alone.
Definitely recommend anyone to read this!
I also loved that John spoke of language “let’s go” “I’m committed to this journey too” “I’m working on this” it gives you a sense of not going through this alone.
Definitely recommend anyone to read this!
October 16, 2024
Super motivating, inspiring, and extremely practical. While I thoroughly enjoyed the audiobook as my driving companion over the past week I think that this book is better absorbed physically if possible because there are HEAPS of practical exercises to really help you get into the nitty gritty.
Particularly would recommend it to people who are feeling stuck, trapped and ready to change their lives. I know so many people who should read this but probably won't, it's easy to get offended and triggered instead of doing the work and listening to an alternate point of view.
Particularly would recommend it to people who are feeling stuck, trapped and ready to change their lives. I know so many people who should read this but probably won't, it's easy to get offended and triggered instead of doing the work and listening to an alternate point of view.
May 3, 2022
If you read no other book this year, nay, this decade, read this one! I flew through it. Easy to read, practical, comforting, relevant, motivational, and the ending made me tear up. Acknowledging our stories, without living in them is the theme. Read this if you're in pain and don't know why.
March 28, 2023
A few good points with a lot of repetition. Similar to Jon Acuff's "Soundtracks" but Acuff is more entertaining and a lot less intense. Delony tells a couple of great stories and in between are lists and questions. He's from the Dave Ramsey tribe if that influences your decision to read or not.
April 25, 2024
God forsaken trash.
June 22, 2022
I’m a huge Dr. Deloney fan and loved his new book!
Some of my favorite quotes:
“The internet would tell me anything I want to hear.”
•••••••••••
In Chapter 3, “Stories about the world”- Dr. John Deloney dives into our society’s rationale behind debt. He explains that after WW2, many mindsets shifted to “why not have it today, rather than tomorrow”. Thus began the credit card industry.
“Working to pay for something you ate yesterday is normal. Making payments on depreciating assets is normal. Constructing a financial universe where all of your payments add up to your salary is normal. If you don’t participate you’re considered an outsider, a troublemaker, a risk. Owing people is crippling. Few things contribute to control and autonomy of your future like owing people money.”
“I feel a person can not be psychologically whole or well while owing people money.”
••••••
“Loneliness is poison. We were made for connection.”
••••••
Chapter 5 made me realize how much of a necessity marriage was back in my grandparents generation. Before 1974, women couldn’t have their own checking account or have true control over their finances without a husband’s signature. Nowadays, women don’t always need a husband to financially function.
••••••
“The bias towards seeing ourselves better than average ironically causes us to see ourselves less bias than average too. Most of us appear to believe that we are more athletic, intelligent, organized, ethical, logical, interested, fair minded, healthy and not to mention more attractive than the average person. So when we tell ourselves stories, we hear a voice we trust our own. When we have thoughts and feelings, we assume they are right.”
••••••
“Renewing your mind is a daily practice. Something you keep going back to over and over. Intentionality is a choice and a skill you can develop, but intentionally is difficult especially in the beginning.”
••••••
“Forgiveness isn’t about other people, it’s about you. I refuse to carry your pain or hate for another step. Forgiveness lightens your load and helps you get your life back.”
••••••
“What happens next is all that you can control.
You have no control over other people. What they think, what they say, what they do, what they desire, how they feel, who they listen to, any of it. You can connect with them, love them, serve them, forgive them, but you can’t control them. Sure you can use power, manipulation or coercion to force people to do things for a season. Bosses, dictators and abusers have been using these tactics since the beginning of time, but it all comes crashing down. Anything built on control and coercion is a fragile system and fragile systems collapse.”
••••••
“Honor your possessions.”
••••••
“James Clear says that people should not begin the process of changing their habits by focusing on what they achieve instead we start by focusing on who we wish to become. So instead of saying that you want to lose some weight, you first have to first decide to become a person who is an excellent steward of their one precious body. You are a person who takes care of themself, so you can think clearly, run around with the kids, work a second job to pay off debt and serve your church and community.”
•••••
“Decide who you want to be and go be it.”
Some of my favorite quotes:
“The internet would tell me anything I want to hear.”
•••••••••••
In Chapter 3, “Stories about the world”- Dr. John Deloney dives into our society’s rationale behind debt. He explains that after WW2, many mindsets shifted to “why not have it today, rather than tomorrow”. Thus began the credit card industry.
“Working to pay for something you ate yesterday is normal. Making payments on depreciating assets is normal. Constructing a financial universe where all of your payments add up to your salary is normal. If you don’t participate you’re considered an outsider, a troublemaker, a risk. Owing people is crippling. Few things contribute to control and autonomy of your future like owing people money.”
“I feel a person can not be psychologically whole or well while owing people money.”
••••••
“Loneliness is poison. We were made for connection.”
••••••
Chapter 5 made me realize how much of a necessity marriage was back in my grandparents generation. Before 1974, women couldn’t have their own checking account or have true control over their finances without a husband’s signature. Nowadays, women don’t always need a husband to financially function.
••••••
“The bias towards seeing ourselves better than average ironically causes us to see ourselves less bias than average too. Most of us appear to believe that we are more athletic, intelligent, organized, ethical, logical, interested, fair minded, healthy and not to mention more attractive than the average person. So when we tell ourselves stories, we hear a voice we trust our own. When we have thoughts and feelings, we assume they are right.”
••••••
“Renewing your mind is a daily practice. Something you keep going back to over and over. Intentionality is a choice and a skill you can develop, but intentionally is difficult especially in the beginning.”
••••••
“Forgiveness isn’t about other people, it’s about you. I refuse to carry your pain or hate for another step. Forgiveness lightens your load and helps you get your life back.”
••••••
“What happens next is all that you can control.
You have no control over other people. What they think, what they say, what they do, what they desire, how they feel, who they listen to, any of it. You can connect with them, love them, serve them, forgive them, but you can’t control them. Sure you can use power, manipulation or coercion to force people to do things for a season. Bosses, dictators and abusers have been using these tactics since the beginning of time, but it all comes crashing down. Anything built on control and coercion is a fragile system and fragile systems collapse.”
••••••
“Honor your possessions.”
••••••
“James Clear says that people should not begin the process of changing their habits by focusing on what they achieve instead we start by focusing on who we wish to become. So instead of saying that you want to lose some weight, you first have to first decide to become a person who is an excellent steward of their one precious body. You are a person who takes care of themself, so you can think clearly, run around with the kids, work a second job to pay off debt and serve your church and community.”
•••••
“Decide who you want to be and go be it.”
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 2, 2023
Yeah, this one isn’t for me, especially since I can’t stand Deloney’s writing style. Man, does he love his lists of examples! Every time he wanted to make a point, get a message across, grab your attention, or draw you in, he would use at least 4 words, phrases, statements, or stories to have you understand, grasp, download, and hold on to what he was saying. It got really old, ancient, antiquated, seasoned, and put out to pasture. Put down the thesaurus, Mr. Deloney, and step away.
July 21, 2022
A must read for everyone. I highly recommend audio version.
December 4, 2023
He quotes a lot of other people in this book. He has lots of references at the end. I enjoyed/challenged most by the chapters on grief and friendship.
January 24, 2025
Kudos to Delony for making himself relatable by sharing his own experiences. Somewhat repetitive, reads a bit choppy, yet practical and motivating for certain life challenges (ie. friendships, grief, lifestyle changes).
August 6, 2024
Great introspective book. I would recommend reading a physical copy as it is more of a workbook feel.
December 18, 2023
Really enjoyed a lot of good life advice!
January 15, 2023
Own Your Past Change Your Future: A Not-So-Complicated Approach to Relationships, Mental Health & Wellness by Dr. John Delony Forward by Dave Ramsey
266-page Kindle Ebook
Genre: Self Help > Personal Development; Nonfiction, Psychology, Health Health > Mental Health; Christian
Featuring: Forward by Dave Ramsey, Acknowledgments, Parts, Personal Stories, Pseudonyms, Type of Stories, Footnotes, Social Media, Technology, Loneliness, Truth About Debt, Cost of Independence, Why We Sleep Less, Food Drama, Discussion Questions, Death Avoidance, Relationship Stories, The World Revolves the Kids, Digital Relationships, ACEs, Real Friends, Controlling Your Thoughts, Controlling Your Actions, Further Reading
Rating as a movie: PG-13
My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
My thoughts: 🔖Page 25 of 266 Ch. 2 Acknowledge Your Stories - This is most definitely a daytime book. I'm going to get some good sleep tonight, only 1 chapter down.
🔖81 Ch. 5 Stories About Relationships - This book is really good; my kids are going to have to read it. It takes a couple of chapters to set the foundation, but after it's gold.
🔖137 Ch. 8 Bricks in Your Backpack - I've just accepted there aren't going to be any quotes. All of the good information is wrapped up in a long paragraph. This book needs to be a class.
🔖169 Ch. 10 - I want to finish this book so bad but it's a lot to take in. I have to ruminate on it.
This book is fantastic! I don't say this often but it is a must-read.
Recommend to others?: Absolutely. I'm going to be recommending this book for many years to come.
266-page Kindle Ebook
Genre: Self Help > Personal Development; Nonfiction, Psychology, Health Health > Mental Health; Christian
Featuring: Forward by Dave Ramsey, Acknowledgments, Parts, Personal Stories, Pseudonyms, Type of Stories, Footnotes, Social Media, Technology, Loneliness, Truth About Debt, Cost of Independence, Why We Sleep Less, Food Drama, Discussion Questions, Death Avoidance, Relationship Stories, The World Revolves the Kids, Digital Relationships, ACEs, Real Friends, Controlling Your Thoughts, Controlling Your Actions, Further Reading
Rating as a movie: PG-13
My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
My thoughts: 🔖Page 25 of 266 Ch. 2 Acknowledge Your Stories - This is most definitely a daytime book. I'm going to get some good sleep tonight, only 1 chapter down.
🔖81 Ch. 5 Stories About Relationships - This book is really good; my kids are going to have to read it. It takes a couple of chapters to set the foundation, but after it's gold.
🔖137 Ch. 8 Bricks in Your Backpack - I've just accepted there aren't going to be any quotes. All of the good information is wrapped up in a long paragraph. This book needs to be a class.
🔖169 Ch. 10 - I want to finish this book so bad but it's a lot to take in. I have to ruminate on it.
This book is fantastic! I don't say this often but it is a must-read.
Recommend to others?: Absolutely. I'm going to be recommending this book for many years to come.
May 28, 2022
I will admit that his writing style is not 100% my jam. It can be repetitive at times and somewhat rambly…however, if you have ever listened to his podcast (I haven’t missed a single episode since it started), you know that it’s written the way he speaks. It’s authentic and down to earth. It’s a friend sitting down to talk to you rather than a doctor giving a bunch of science without solutions.
If you really give it the opportunity, this book makes you dive deep and gives you the action steps to make changes in your life…but it also makes it very clear that it’s up to YOU to make the decision to do so. Simply reading the book will not change your life but it will help you figure out what needs to change and how to do it.
I will likely revisit this book often. I have a therapist of my own, which is helpful, but Dr. Delony’s podcast has actually been a huge contributor to my personal growth and some of the changes I’ve made in the last couple of years. I can’t relate to most of the calls he takes…some of them are pretty heavy…but his counseling advice can be applied to almost any situation. This book is a written version of a lot of that advice.
If you really give it the opportunity, this book makes you dive deep and gives you the action steps to make changes in your life…but it also makes it very clear that it’s up to YOU to make the decision to do so. Simply reading the book will not change your life but it will help you figure out what needs to change and how to do it.
I will likely revisit this book often. I have a therapist of my own, which is helpful, but Dr. Delony’s podcast has actually been a huge contributor to my personal growth and some of the changes I’ve made in the last couple of years. I can’t relate to most of the calls he takes…some of them are pretty heavy…but his counseling advice can be applied to almost any situation. This book is a written version of a lot of that advice.
September 15, 2023
Book review Own your past change your future
5 stars!
A phenomenal book with profound truths about mental health and wellness.
This book takes a simple and powerful approach to helping the individual grow and accept what is going on in their life and move forward to a better future.
The good: the book is written for anyone to learn. The book has facts to back up the writing and is written in conversational form rather than a text book form. This book defines its terms simply and give real storytelling a try and hits a home run for those seeking help.
The Bad. There is very little bad in this book. So the next points are nitpicking but I wished the author had more Bible verses in the book. I wish the author would write a sequel (he is) I wish the author had written this book sooner.
Overall I would rate this in my top five books to give to someone with depression or anxiety or in need of mental help
5 stars!
A phenomenal book with profound truths about mental health and wellness.
This book takes a simple and powerful approach to helping the individual grow and accept what is going on in their life and move forward to a better future.
The good: the book is written for anyone to learn. The book has facts to back up the writing and is written in conversational form rather than a text book form. This book defines its terms simply and give real storytelling a try and hits a home run for those seeking help.
The Bad. There is very little bad in this book. So the next points are nitpicking but I wished the author had more Bible verses in the book. I wish the author would write a sequel (he is) I wish the author had written this book sooner.
Overall I would rate this in my top five books to give to someone with depression or anxiety or in need of mental help
July 12, 2022
Listen to the audio book with my husband on a road trip. We were able to have some good discussions along the way. I will read the physical book as well and would like to journal my thoughts. His writing style is different, it is more approachable than many other counseling/self-help books which was good for my husband and I to enjoy together.
I also listen to his podcast and like his sense of humor and enjoy his banter so listen to him in the audio version felt comfortable like chatting with a friend.
I also listen to his podcast and like his sense of humor and enjoy his banter so listen to him in the audio version felt comfortable like chatting with a friend.
April 21, 2022
This book is perfect. Despite the title this is not the cheese ball you can do it girl type of book we are used to. It’s practical, it’s witty, it gets to the point. I fully intend on taking his advice and will report back in a few months hopefully changed for the better. I only get hard copies of books I know I’ll read again. This one will be a permanent fixture on my night stand with dog ears and highlights.
November 28, 2022
initial thoughts: good, not anything earth-shattering new (to me, at least.)
I am definitely an outliner with my three stars, as I'm seeing many, many four & five-star reviews - and I'm glad so many people are finding this book so helpful for them.
the first couple of chapters seemed a bit rambly at times, and it was hard for me to pick up the book once I put it down. however, the chapters on "changing your actions" and "changing your thoughts" were great.
I am definitely an outliner with my three stars, as I'm seeing many, many four & five-star reviews - and I'm glad so many people are finding this book so helpful for them.
the first couple of chapters seemed a bit rambly at times, and it was hard for me to pick up the book once I put it down. however, the chapters on "changing your actions" and "changing your thoughts" were great.
January 10, 2023
This book was really great. I saw John Delony in person and he gave an awesome presentation. His story is very relatable. I own my own business and feel pulled from all sides. You don't know that you are not okay until it is so overwhelming that you just want to quit everything. His message hits home.
I listened to the audiobook and it was very well done. But, I had to go over the paperback version to make all the lists so I could begin healing myself.
I do recommend this to anyone.
I listened to the audiobook and it was very well done. But, I had to go over the paperback version to make all the lists so I could begin healing myself.
I do recommend this to anyone.
March 2, 2023
A good read, really useful and easy to consume. This is the sort of book you keep and dip back into again and again. It’s got some hard stuff to take in but that’s ok. Written with real concern and clarity. Took me a bit longer than expected as it got me be thinking a lot. Not light content.
March 5, 2023
If I could give it 6 stars I would. John Deloney’s has a way of writing like you are just having coffee with a good friend. No condescension just a baffling understanding of the human condition and genuine ways to heal.
March 16, 2023
As far as self help goes, this is an excellent motivator. It gives clear examples and strategies for making significant and lasting changes. But it doesn't necessarily present new ideas.
September 17, 2024
I like the Deloney show but his voice and sense of humor started to get a little old by the end of the book. I think I learn more about the point of his book by listening to the crisis management in action on his show. He makes some good points and I always appreciate when difficult subjects are framed with Christianity.
1. Own your stories: The first point of the book is to accept everything that's happened in your life. Recognize that it's happened and move on. If you have been involved in any major crisis or trauma, that event has a period at the end. You cannot change what has happened to you. But you can change what you do now. If you've done anything hurtful or harmful there's nothing you can do about it happening but you can be someone new. Take accountability for your actions.
2. Acknowledge your reality: What is the difference between where you are now and where you want to be? Be honest with your family and your support system. Set realistic goals and expectations for improvement. Allow yourself to grieve. Realize that no number of engineers and construction workers can collect all of the dust and scraps and put the twin towers together exactly how they were. The twin towers are gone. But you can build something beautiful and strong in its place.
3. Connect: Deloney mentions a couple times that loneliness is more unhealthy than smoking fifteen cigarettes a day!! Our bodies and souls crave connection and being social. And that doesn't mean scrolling social media and giving out cheap likes and pokes to digital friends. Put yourself out there. Be in person. Be ready for rejection because then it means the connection would have been worth something. Be honest with everybody. This life is too short to be superficial and too proud to ask for help. Make sure you have one or two friends you know you can call at 2 AM and vice versa.
4. Change your thoughts: You can't stop intrusive thoughts, especially if you've been feeding them for a lifetime. But you can control them and fight them. Tell yourself you can think about what you want to think about. Practice small and then work your way up big. Intrusive thoughts will continue but it's your decision whether you're going to feed it until it grows into something much more powerful. Practice by writing your thoughts down. Write down what keeps you up at night. What ifs, fears, and impossible scenarios. That way you tell your brain that those thoughts are physically kept in a journal, outside of your brain. You wrote them down so you have control over them.
5. Change your actions: Who is the person you want to be? What are some small physical first steps to take action? Stop telling yourself that this is just who you are. Or that bodies are supposed to get achy and creaky as you age. Change that! Some things that I've started to do better are drink more water and walk 5,000 steps a day. I hope to make those a habit and then add to that. I'll be doing more creative writing and work on some other personal achievements. Then another.
1. Own your stories: The first point of the book is to accept everything that's happened in your life. Recognize that it's happened and move on. If you have been involved in any major crisis or trauma, that event has a period at the end. You cannot change what has happened to you. But you can change what you do now. If you've done anything hurtful or harmful there's nothing you can do about it happening but you can be someone new. Take accountability for your actions.
2. Acknowledge your reality: What is the difference between where you are now and where you want to be? Be honest with your family and your support system. Set realistic goals and expectations for improvement. Allow yourself to grieve. Realize that no number of engineers and construction workers can collect all of the dust and scraps and put the twin towers together exactly how they were. The twin towers are gone. But you can build something beautiful and strong in its place.
3. Connect: Deloney mentions a couple times that loneliness is more unhealthy than smoking fifteen cigarettes a day!! Our bodies and souls crave connection and being social. And that doesn't mean scrolling social media and giving out cheap likes and pokes to digital friends. Put yourself out there. Be in person. Be ready for rejection because then it means the connection would have been worth something. Be honest with everybody. This life is too short to be superficial and too proud to ask for help. Make sure you have one or two friends you know you can call at 2 AM and vice versa.
4. Change your thoughts: You can't stop intrusive thoughts, especially if you've been feeding them for a lifetime. But you can control them and fight them. Tell yourself you can think about what you want to think about. Practice small and then work your way up big. Intrusive thoughts will continue but it's your decision whether you're going to feed it until it grows into something much more powerful. Practice by writing your thoughts down. Write down what keeps you up at night. What ifs, fears, and impossible scenarios. That way you tell your brain that those thoughts are physically kept in a journal, outside of your brain. You wrote them down so you have control over them.
5. Change your actions: Who is the person you want to be? What are some small physical first steps to take action? Stop telling yourself that this is just who you are. Or that bodies are supposed to get achy and creaky as you age. Change that! Some things that I've started to do better are drink more water and walk 5,000 steps a day. I hope to make those a habit and then add to that. I'll be doing more creative writing and work on some other personal achievements. Then another.
March 26, 2024
I recently found Dr. John Delony on Instagram and really liked the clips from his podcast and work with Dave Ramsey so I decided to check out this book. I wasn't sure what to expect but I liked it. Like the title says he discusses how to Own Your Past Change Your Future. The book is divided into two sections - The Stories are the Problem and The Stories are the Solution. The first section looks at all the stories in our lives - stories you're born into, stories others tell about you, stories about relationships, stories we tell ourselves, etc. In the second section he gives some concrete tips for changing your future by addressing those stories and putting down the ones that aren't helpful. While also encouraging us to get connected, change our thoughts, and then change our actions. Interspersed throughout the book are his personal stories and stories from people he's helped in various roles Dr. Delony has held over the years. Overall, I thought the book could be helpful and several chapters have questions at the end to help you work through some of the stuff he's talking about. I was also impressed that he had quotes from Andy Gullahorn and Andrew Peterson - two amazing musicians I enjoy and follow.
March 25, 2025
If you’ve been introduced to modern views on anxiety, grief, forming habits, or therapies such as ACT or CBT, this book isn’t groundbreaking. Delony does, however, weave these topics together fairly seamlessly.
The first section was problems Delony sees impacting our health (technology, loneliness, debt, the all-you-need-is-yourself mentality, lack of healthy sleep and food, searching for a perfect partner to complete you, etc.). I don’t disagree these are problems, but the section didn’t hold my attention, and there are too many lists of examples trying to be obviously inclusive of many people’s problems.
The overview of “stories” was standard. The stories (thoughts), true or not, that we tell ourselves and that other people tell us (directly or indirectly) shape our view of ourselves, others, and the world.
The last section of the book was better: to-the-point, actionable, and interesting. Delony calls out our culture of pessimism, whining, complaining, bad news, excuses, and indecision. He emphasizes taking action to solve our problems and suggests ways to do so. These include serving others, making the effort to create/maintain good friendships, allowing yourself to grieve when life is far from what you hoped for, being selective about what we put in our minds (movies, music, books, social media, news, etc.), challenging negative thoughts, forgiving others and letting things go, and accepting that the only thing in life you truly control is yourself.
I appreciated the list of suggested readings at the end that were referenced throughout the book.
“Your life is ticking, ticking, ticking away. The only thing that matters is what you do next.”
The first section was problems Delony sees impacting our health (technology, loneliness, debt, the all-you-need-is-yourself mentality, lack of healthy sleep and food, searching for a perfect partner to complete you, etc.). I don’t disagree these are problems, but the section didn’t hold my attention, and there are too many lists of examples trying to be obviously inclusive of many people’s problems.
The overview of “stories” was standard. The stories (thoughts), true or not, that we tell ourselves and that other people tell us (directly or indirectly) shape our view of ourselves, others, and the world.
The last section of the book was better: to-the-point, actionable, and interesting. Delony calls out our culture of pessimism, whining, complaining, bad news, excuses, and indecision. He emphasizes taking action to solve our problems and suggests ways to do so. These include serving others, making the effort to create/maintain good friendships, allowing yourself to grieve when life is far from what you hoped for, being selective about what we put in our minds (movies, music, books, social media, news, etc.), challenging negative thoughts, forgiving others and letting things go, and accepting that the only thing in life you truly control is yourself.
I appreciated the list of suggested readings at the end that were referenced throughout the book.
“Your life is ticking, ticking, ticking away. The only thing that matters is what you do next.”
November 16, 2023
"Own Your Past, Change Your Future: A Not-So-Complicated Approach to Relationships, Mental Health & Wellness" by John Delony presents a transformative journey to healing and well-being through five simple steps. Delony shares his personal experience of feeling like his life was falling apart, seeing metaphorical cracks everywhere. This led him to the realization that it wasn't his house but himself that was crumbling under the weight of his chaotic lifestyle.
The first step is to "Own Your Stories." Delony emphasizes that everyone has a unique set of stories, from cultural background to personal experiences, and these stories influence every aspect of life. Taking ownership of these stories is the first crucial step toward healing and shaping a better future.
The second step is to "Acknowledge Your Reality." Delony urges readers to honestly assess their present reality in comparison to their envisioned life. This involves facing truths about relationships, choices made, and even grieving the gap between desired and actual outcomes. Accepting that things won't return to a previous "normal" is essential for initiating the process of writing new stories.
"Connect" is the third step, emphasizing the importance of human connection. Delony argues that life cannot be done alone, and genuine connections with friends, family, and colleagues are vital for healing. He provides criteria for determining true friends, encouraging readers to prioritize shared experiences and actively seek meaningful connections.
The fourth step is to "Change Your Thoughts." Delony acknowledges the constant stream of internal thoughts and encourages readers to gain control over them. By being intentional about the thoughts allowed in, individuals can choose those that move them closer to their desired selves. This step involves discernment, limiting exposure to negative influences, and cultivating positive thoughts through daily practice.
The fifth and final step is to "Change Your Actions." Delony emphasizes the importance of breaking free from familiar routines and taking intentional actions toward becoming the person one aspires to be. This involves discipline, evaluating current actions, and making small, consistent changes that align with the desired identity.
Throughout the book, Delony emphasizes the simplicity of these steps but acknowledges the challenges they pose. He encourages readers to persist, take small steps, and celebrate "little wins" along the way. The ultimate message is that by following these steps, individuals can regain control of their past, shape a better future, and embark on a transformative journey toward healing and improved well-being.
-
While this book by John Delony has its merits, here are potential reasons for a lower 2 star rating:
1. Simplicity Oversimplified:
- Critics might argue that the book's emphasis on simplicity could be seen as oversimplification. The five-step process may be deemed too elementary for readers seeking a more nuanced and in-depth exploration of mental health and wellness.
2. Lack of Diversity in Perspectives:
- Some readers may feel that the book lacks diverse perspectives. If it predominantly draws on the author's personal experiences without incorporating a broader range of stories or viewpoints, it could be seen as limited in its scope.
3. Inadequate Scientific Basis:
- Readers looking for a more evidence-based or scientifically grounded approach to mental health and wellness might find the book lacking. If it relies heavily on anecdotal evidence and lacks references to established psychological principles, it may not be considered credible by some.
4. Overemphasis on Personal Story:
- While personal anecdotes can be powerful, critics might argue that the book leans too heavily on the author's story, potentially alienating readers who do not connect with or relate to his specific experiences.
5. Stereotypical Advice:
- If the advice given in the book is perceived as clichéd or overly general, readers seeking practical, unique strategies for personal growth may find the content lacking in originality.
6. Poor Organization or Structure:
- A two-star rating could be justified if readers find the book poorly organized or structured. If the content lacks coherence, with ideas presented in a disjointed manner, it may hinder the overall reading experience.
7. Insufficient Depth in Steps:
- Critics might argue that the steps presented in the book lack depth and detail. If the author does not provide substantial guidance or practical exercises for each step, readers may feel that the advice is too vague to be actionable.
8. Overemphasis on Positivity:
- Some readers may find fault with an overly optimistic tone, especially if it neglects the complexities of mental health struggles. If the book downplays the challenges individuals face, it might be criticized for overselling the ease of personal transformation.
9. Lack of Real-world Applicability:
- A two-star rating might be warranted if readers perceive a gap between the book's concepts and their real-world applicability. If the advice given is seen as disconnected from the challenges of everyday life, it may not resonate with practical-minded readers.
10. Failure to Address Intersectionality:
- If the book does not adequately address issues of intersectionality, considering how various aspects of identity intersect with mental health, it may be criticized for lacking inclusivity and relevance for a diverse readership.
The first step is to "Own Your Stories." Delony emphasizes that everyone has a unique set of stories, from cultural background to personal experiences, and these stories influence every aspect of life. Taking ownership of these stories is the first crucial step toward healing and shaping a better future.
The second step is to "Acknowledge Your Reality." Delony urges readers to honestly assess their present reality in comparison to their envisioned life. This involves facing truths about relationships, choices made, and even grieving the gap between desired and actual outcomes. Accepting that things won't return to a previous "normal" is essential for initiating the process of writing new stories.
"Connect" is the third step, emphasizing the importance of human connection. Delony argues that life cannot be done alone, and genuine connections with friends, family, and colleagues are vital for healing. He provides criteria for determining true friends, encouraging readers to prioritize shared experiences and actively seek meaningful connections.
The fourth step is to "Change Your Thoughts." Delony acknowledges the constant stream of internal thoughts and encourages readers to gain control over them. By being intentional about the thoughts allowed in, individuals can choose those that move them closer to their desired selves. This step involves discernment, limiting exposure to negative influences, and cultivating positive thoughts through daily practice.
The fifth and final step is to "Change Your Actions." Delony emphasizes the importance of breaking free from familiar routines and taking intentional actions toward becoming the person one aspires to be. This involves discipline, evaluating current actions, and making small, consistent changes that align with the desired identity.
Throughout the book, Delony emphasizes the simplicity of these steps but acknowledges the challenges they pose. He encourages readers to persist, take small steps, and celebrate "little wins" along the way. The ultimate message is that by following these steps, individuals can regain control of their past, shape a better future, and embark on a transformative journey toward healing and improved well-being.
-
While this book by John Delony has its merits, here are potential reasons for a lower 2 star rating:
1. Simplicity Oversimplified:
- Critics might argue that the book's emphasis on simplicity could be seen as oversimplification. The five-step process may be deemed too elementary for readers seeking a more nuanced and in-depth exploration of mental health and wellness.
2. Lack of Diversity in Perspectives:
- Some readers may feel that the book lacks diverse perspectives. If it predominantly draws on the author's personal experiences without incorporating a broader range of stories or viewpoints, it could be seen as limited in its scope.
3. Inadequate Scientific Basis:
- Readers looking for a more evidence-based or scientifically grounded approach to mental health and wellness might find the book lacking. If it relies heavily on anecdotal evidence and lacks references to established psychological principles, it may not be considered credible by some.
4. Overemphasis on Personal Story:
- While personal anecdotes can be powerful, critics might argue that the book leans too heavily on the author's story, potentially alienating readers who do not connect with or relate to his specific experiences.
5. Stereotypical Advice:
- If the advice given in the book is perceived as clichéd or overly general, readers seeking practical, unique strategies for personal growth may find the content lacking in originality.
6. Poor Organization or Structure:
- A two-star rating could be justified if readers find the book poorly organized or structured. If the content lacks coherence, with ideas presented in a disjointed manner, it may hinder the overall reading experience.
7. Insufficient Depth in Steps:
- Critics might argue that the steps presented in the book lack depth and detail. If the author does not provide substantial guidance or practical exercises for each step, readers may feel that the advice is too vague to be actionable.
8. Overemphasis on Positivity:
- Some readers may find fault with an overly optimistic tone, especially if it neglects the complexities of mental health struggles. If the book downplays the challenges individuals face, it might be criticized for overselling the ease of personal transformation.
9. Lack of Real-world Applicability:
- A two-star rating might be warranted if readers perceive a gap between the book's concepts and their real-world applicability. If the advice given is seen as disconnected from the challenges of everyday life, it may not resonate with practical-minded readers.
10. Failure to Address Intersectionality:
- If the book does not adequately address issues of intersectionality, considering how various aspects of identity intersect with mental health, it may be criticized for lacking inclusivity and relevance for a diverse readership.
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