Escaping Enemy Mode: How Our Brains Unite or Divide Us

by Jim Wilder, Ray Woolridge, Michael J. Meese (Foreword)

Who’s your biggest enemy? Possibly you?   Enemy Mode is an immensely damaging brain state that occurs in everyday life. In enemy mode, a person sees and experiences others as adversaries. Living in this mode poisons family and community bonds. It contributes to social stress, business failure, divorce, alienation, domestic violence, crime, racism, and international violence. Social media magnifies the impact of enemy mode toward almost all topics or persons imaginable. Longtime author and neuropsychologist Dr. Jim Wilder explains how the brain develops enemy mode and searches for ways to get the brain to “ refriend .” Since a brain in enemy mode cannot tell when someone is trying to help, it rejects or attacks its allies, including refrienders . Wilder puts his years of research to the test in assessing the impossible task put forth by the Christian to love one’s enemies.   After being trained in enemy mode through the military, business, and even friendships, retired Brigadier General Ray Woolridge comes alongside Wilder, bringing the reader on his journey of learning to  refriend . He interviews leaders in sports, business, the military, law enforcement, politics, health care, and education, assessing the enemy mode impact on lives and culture.   Can Wilder and Woolridge figure out how enemy mode works and craft a solution? And can they get people and institutions to implement those solutions? This book is for all who desire to be better equipped to face the barrage of daily relational stressors that come at them. It’s for all who long for more harmonious relationships at home, in the workplace, and in their communities.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Counselling

320 pages, Paperback

Published November 1, 2022

About the author

This author is also published under the pen name E. James Wilder.


Jim Wilder (PhD, Clinical Psychology, and M.A. Theology, Fuller Theological Seminary) has been training leaders and counselors for over 27 years on five continents. He is the author of nine books with a strong focus on maturing and relationship skills for leaders. His coauthored book Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You has sold over 100,000 copies in eleven languages. Wilder has published numerous articles and developed four sets of video and relational leadership training called THRIVE. He is currently executive director of Shepherd's House Inc., a nonprofit working at the intersection of brain science and theology, and founder of Life Model Works that is building contagiously healthy Christian communities through equipping existing networks with the skills to thrive. Dr. Wilder has extensive clinical counseling experience and has served as a guest lecturer at Fuller Seminary, Biola, Talbot Seminary, Point Loma University, Montreat College, Tyndale Seminary and elsewhere.

Reviews

[Carrie Brownell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lots to think about as well as some practical help on keeping your brain out of enemy mode with others. Honestly, I don't know who DOESN'T need this book!

[Beth Bryant · Rating 3 out of 5]

These ideas are so valuable! The content is great but I felt like they took 302 pages to say what could have been said in 100, which made me impatient to be finished. I’m glad I read it. I learned ways to practice staying relational during conflict.

[Bradley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Why are there so many disagreements among humans? Because they get into enemy mode and say and do stupid things.

Jim and Ray give us many stories of enemy mode. We all drop into it, we just don't realize it.

Michel Hendricks and Jim Wilder's book "The Other Half of Church" mentions enemy mode, but doesn't go into the depths this book does. In that book there is only one "Enemy mode."

Jim and Ray classify 3 kinds of enemy mode:

1) Simple. This is when I am unaware about others. I am not interested in having a relational conversation with you. I find I am in this simple enemy mode when i am grocery shopping: I have a particular number of things to get, and I want to be done with this task that I don't like to do. I am not aware of others, I cut them off when both of us try to enter the same isle at the same time, I am not concerned that I am in another persons way. I am only concerned about me getting done with this! I leave resentment and bewilderment behind from the people I do not have common courtesy with. "Isn't he rude!", I may hear behind me. But I don't care, I am on a mission!

2) Stupid enemy mode. Usually a task needs to be done that I am focused on, and someone interrupts me from my task. I am likely to be short, curt, or downright mean when the other person wants to engage me about THEIR problem. "This person is keeping me from doing what I need to do! I am going to lose my train of thought here! I was doing so well until now!" I will say something stupid like: "Can't you see I am busy? Have you no regard for people who need to get something important done? What is the problem you have that can't wait? I bet my task is much higher priority than yours!" I can enter Stupid enemy mode from Simple enemy mode quite easily.

3) Intelligent enemy mode. (At one point in "The Other Half of Church" this seems to be called Predatory Enemy mode.) This is where I am totally aware of what I am doing. I am going to get my way. I am in tune with your feelings, and use them to my advantage to get what I want. I see you are afraid of me, so I use that to intimidate you, to get you to agree with what I am pushing. I have gotten this way with past bosses who did not think I was taking us down the correct path for our project.

Getting out of enemy mode is not easy on our own. We usually need a group of people we trust to point out we are in enemy mode. Once we become aware we are in enemy mode we can do some relaxation exercises that will help us calm down, and drop back into a relational being, someone who is reasonable, considers what others are feeling, and what is the best outcome for all involved.. When we are in Intelligent enemy mode, then that is much harder to get out of. Some people think this mode is necessary to function in today's dog-eat-dog world. Jim and Ray argue otherwise, pointing out the consequences of using this mode to get your job done.

Jim and Ray thoroughly explain how they have come up with their classification of these brain modes we get in. They use recent brain science to argue that this is what the brain does. They weave this in with Biblical principles to argue that we should operate differently.

There are practical things you can do to escape enemy mode that Jim and Ray go over, but for real change, it requires a group of like minded people you trust and have a loving relationship with to help you and remind you that "We don't operate in enemy mode. We are loving to our acquaintances and our enemies."

A great read. I read this in a few weeks (I have limited time per day to read due to work and other family commitments) and didn't put it on the shelf like I do with most other books I read (yes, I never finish most of what I read these days.)

What to do about enemy mode seems to come very late in the book. I kept thinking, "when do we get to the part about Escaping?"

There are some detailed descriptions of the brain parts and how they work together that are lost to me. To fully understand what the authors are talking about would take some extra effort that I did not put in. Nevertheless the book was very enlightening to me and I highly recommend it.

[Cover Lover Book Review]

In our current culture of divisiveness (us vs them) Escaping Enemy Mode is greatly needed. The book is the result of two men, a psychologist with a brain science background and a retired Brigadier General, desire to improve relationships globally. That’s a big quest to take on, and they are building bonds, using science, history, faith, and real-life stories as a foundation.

I like the term “enemy mode” used in this book, explaining how and why our brains see others as enemies (in a sense.) The book focuses on Identifying the three types of enemy modes (simple, stupid, and intelligent,) admitting enemy mode, and escaping enemy mode. There’s even a section revealing how to help others escape it!

By promoting less hate and unhelpfulness, and more caring and positivity, I don’t see how anyone can read this book and be left unchanged. It’s an experience, creeping into your thinking during your daily life and changing the way you think about people, situations, and the world as a whole.

First Line: The grocery story was nearly empty when Jim heard metal hit metal.
Genre: Christian Personal Growth
Author: Jim Wilder and Ray Woolridge
Page Count: 320

#CoverLoverBookReview received a complimentary copy of this book. Opinions are 100% mine.

[Kate Poling · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read! I’ve spent the most thinking about this book. And I think it will change me from the Bible.

[Lindsay · Rating 3 out of 5]

While the book itself could have used some serious editing (both for grammar and to condense the repetition), it makes for great discussion of its important themes.

[Anne Hamilton · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was tempted to take this rating down a notch because I got bored at times. I wanted more analysis and less backstory about the analysis. But I also realise that, in a book that's trying to emphasise the important of being relational, the story about the analysis is very important.

Jim tells the story of his mother who developed a cyst on the brain that caused her to lose vision in half of each eye. The first sign of the problem, however, was relational blindness. His mother stopped seeing other points of view and became self-oriented, self-absorbed and unable to see other perspectives. (p24)

A common attempt to get out of enemy mode is to let some time pass. The time that passes is always longer than the time it took to get into enemy mode. (p27)

Having winning as the only value in life is a symptom of both enemy mode and sociopathic thinking. (p37)

Hat makers once used mercury inthe manufacture. As the heavy metal built up in their cingulate, their relationships with others became bizarre. Hence the expression "mad as a hatter". (p46)

Simple enemy mode makes the people around feel unseen, unheard and unimportant. (p50)

The key to maintaining intelligent enemy mode is not feeling the pain others feel, but being aware of it in order to use it for a win. (p53)

People who practice relational joy will find it easier to refriending their way out of enemy mode. (p63)

Intelligent enemy mode can mimic the other types (simple, and stupid). However when someone in intelligent enemy mode "blows up", they are not sorry. They are using it for a win. (p100)

In intelligent enemy mode, whatever it takes to win is right. Winning justifies bullying, intimidation and predatory behaviour. (p101)

In intelligent enemy mode, if you are hurt, it is not the perpetrator's fault. You are either too sensitive about their own feelings or too insensitive to realise how important they are. (p102)

Moral thoughts do not regulate emotions - attachments do. (p113)

The brain goes through a sort of "molt" (technically known as apoptosis) at age 13. Our identity group becomes more important than our own survival. (p114)

Teaching compassion to psychopaths simply makes them better psychopaths. (p119) See also p232.

If you take lovingkindness out of the human brain, there's not much left except the will to win. (p119)

Political activism, whether right or left, uses the same tactics. Intelligent enemy mode is the will to win. (p123)

The value of our identity is high enough that most people will die defending it... the survival of our identities and attachment relationships become more important than the survival of our bodies. (p124)

At best, moral thought restrains our reactions. At worst, moral thought justifies a new target. It is liberté égalité fraternité décapiter. (p144)

During a PTSD reaction, the brain is energised to face an enemy who is no longer present, and shuts down the relational circuits. (p149)

The amygdala is fast but stays forever frozen in time. (p153)

People with good attachments are motivated to escape enemy mode through compassion and attachment love. People whose group identity is to be life-giving (eg EMTs and ERs) escape enemy mode to care for people they have never met. They will even save their enemies. (p158)

Chickens have pecking orders, cows have hierarchies and will punish farmers who milk them out of order with a well-aimed kick, monkeys have social orders that persist for generations... Social status is processed in humans in 40 milliseconds. (p186)

People will kill and be willing to die themselves to defend their identities. (p196)

Not sharing suffering equals not having compassion. (p231)

In enemy mode I want to win. In relational mode, I want the least harmful alternative. (p236)

Cautions about narcissists. (p246)

Sharing personal stories can help one brain mirror another. (p258)

When facing enemy mode, two things don't work: (1) expressing my feelings (2) making you understand (p269)

All three enemy modes produce reduced or non-existent compassion for others. (p280)

Over time pacifists tend to isolate in groups. Not killing is not the same as forming an attachment to the enemy or discovering best selves. Buddhist monks, for example, play war games on cellphones. (p281f)

Christians have prided themselves on their beliefs and fragmented themselves into groups by fighting. This has brought about a tendency to select predatory leaders. (p291f)

Stupid enemy mode creates pain and often does whatever will hurt most. Intelligent enemy mode tracks the pain of others to use against them for a win. (p288)

Central to Christian belief, but tragically not to practice, is that people have no human enemies. (p299)

[Bob Bixby · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Must Read

This book is so helpful. Identifying simple, stupid, and intelligent enemy mode in the brains of people we work with and having the courage to see our own propensity to any one of these categories is critical for the pursuit of peace, both at home in and society at large. We all know what defensiveness is like; how infuriating it is when others will not recognize our help because they are defensive or how our own alarm bells go off if we feel threatened. That’s simple enemy mode.

Some really helpful ideas in here!

[Readius Maximus · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book has a decent and interesting concept but the manner in which it was written and other surrounding content I found unappealing. Maybe I am just not used to reading current books written for the dumb and uneducated society we live in.

My main complaint is the wokeness I found represented in the book. I assume it is Ray the general who is too blame since I have heard that Jim's other books do not have this. But this is not surprising considering the state of our military and the fact that all competent officers get stuck at colonel and only the political hacks make general.

I also found it ironic to see Protestants try and create a basis for shaping character which they have largely forgotten since they cast out Aristotle along with Scholasticism when this tradition began. Of course they use the modern god of science to do this and may actually be onto something.

But when one is a hammer everything looks like a nail. I see little difference between Nietzsche's Will to Power to explain everything or Hegel's Geist etc. etc. granted they don't use Enemy mode to describe everything just to be the sole cause of all disagreements because beliefs don't have any impact apparently. While I agree beliefs held only rationally and espoused by the mouth has very little impact on forming and shaping our nature. I find it silly to dismiss beliefs entirely and to say enemy mode causes all social problems. Reductionist much? Hegel would be so proud if the concept wasn't so simplistic haha.

Early on they quote Chesterton saying sin nature is the only part of Christianity one can prove and then go onto look for a solution that will be easy to catch on spread contagiously. How does one square those two statements?

The simplified reductionist thinking that permeates this book and the woke views expressed are what causes me to rate this a 1 star.

Scientifically they use brain science to justify their concept while admitting huge flaws and gaps in the research and methods used to analyze the concept itself. I found the brain science to be unconvincing as such. Although I am sure many readers enjoy basking in the "truth" of the book due to it's "scientific" basis. Christians seem to enjoy the materialistic approach of pure brain science and avoid the more mystical and scary branches of psychology.

[Georgia · Rating 4 out of 5]

In Escaping Enemy Mode: How Our Brains Unite or Divide Us Escaping Enemy Mode: How Our Brains Unite or Divide Us by Jim Wilder and Ray Woolridge, the concept of "Enemy Mode" refers to a mindset in which individuals perceive others as threats, leading to defensive, divisive, or even hostile reactions. The book explores how the brain instinctively shifts into this mode when it perceives danger—whether real or imagined—causing people to dehumanize others, shut down empathy, and prioritize self-protection over connection.

Most people, when facing an enemy or someone they strongly disagree with, naturally react in one of three ways: fight, flight, or freeze. This aligns with the human brain's survival instincts. However, the book suggests that through intentional practice, individuals can escape enemy mode and adopt a mindset of endurance, connection, understanding, and peace.

Overall, the book also offers practical ways to break free from defensive, fear-driven responses and instead build relationships based on trust, love, and mutual understanding.

[Mia Berkstresser]

I feel like this should be mandatory reading in a lot of contexts. To a very limited extent it's targeted at Christians, and obviously I/we can only trust they know what they're talking about on the science side as a layperson who can't fact-check it very well, but the concepts are super useful to chew on mentally wherever you ultimately fall in your opinion of them.
I feel called out in their descriptions of all three types of enemy mode personally, lol. Explains a few things I'd noticed in myself that I wasn't happy with but couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was or how to change it.

[Bridget Wester · Rating 2 out of 5]

I actually couldn’t finish this book. It was written in a style that I found difficult to understand and follow- clunky and lacked cohesiveness besides the term “enemy mode.” I am disappointed because it came highly recommended and I think this topic should be understood- I want to know more- and yet it is inaccessible in this book.

[Jean Reist · Rating 5 out of 5]

Escape divisiveness

We have options; to be enemies or good neighbors. Thus, we have choices to consider our relationships with others.

This book is about choices and options with capacity to change lives for those who choose to go beyond an enemy mentality
Must read.

[Anne Snyder]

Excellent book!

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This took me a long to finish. It is thick! But the ideas and concepts are so needed.

[Elizabeth]

As recommended in Action Oriented.

[Mark Taylor · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great info, just needed an editor to make it more readable and more streamlined.

[Sharon Shoemaker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Escaping Enemy Mode is a good book for anyone who wants to have positive relationships with others. It teaches us how to react when we are angry and how to diffuse angry people. It is part of a series of books that deal with discipleship and Christian growth. The books that Jim Wilder and his associates write are groundbreaking and based on brainscience. I highly recommend this book.