The Six Conversations: Pathways to Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility

by Heather Holleman, Gary Chapman (Foreword)

It’s time for a conversation revival! Conversation is getting harder. We’re feeling more isolated. Loneliness is becoming an epidemic. The Six Pathways to Connecting Again in an Age of Isolation and Incivility  reflects one of the deepest passions of Dr. Heather Holleman’s to connect people in loving community. Professor Holleman often fields questions How can I foster meaningful connection with others? Why doesn’t anyone ever ask meaningful questions? If my personal happiness depends upon having warm relationships—like all the research shows—how can I become a better conversationalist and create connection?    Can you relate? Are you longing for loving, meaningful, and joyful conversations? For practical skills to connect with others? Heather invites us to reimagine better conversations. Her work demonstrates how we can develop authentic community by changing our relational mindsets to become more curious, to believe the best about others, to express concern about their lives, and to share our own. Heather shows us how to embrace the Four Mindsets of a Loving Conversation and the Three Fresh Goals for Conversation. Using the latest research, she shares the foundational training necessary for engaging in truly loving conversations. Readers will be equipped with effective questions, self-assessments, and action steps to immediately implement in any situation—both personally and professionally. If you desire deeper relationships with your spouse, dating partner, children, friends, in-laws, grandchildren, coworkers, clients, students, people in your neighborhood—or all the above—then read this book and grow in the art of The Six Conversations !

Genres: Nonfiction, Christian, Self Help, Christian Living, Relationships, Leadership, Psychology

192 pages, Paperback

Published October 4, 2022

About the author

HEATHER HOLLEMAN, PhD, is a popular speaker, writer, and college instructor. She serves with Faculty Commons with Cru alongside her husband, Ashley, who is the Executive Director of Graduate Student Ministry. She is also a faculty member of Penn State's English Department and teaches both Rhetoric and Composition and Advanced Writing in the Humanities. She is the author of Seated With Christ: Living Freely in a Culture of Comparison, her first in a series of books on life-changing verbs in Scripture. Heather lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and their two teen daughters. She blogs daily at www.HeatherHolleman.com.

Reviews

[Erin McCool · Rating 5 out of 5]

THIS BOOK. I cried more than I thought I would lol…. This felt like a book I’ve been searching for all my life not kidding.

[Melody · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s rare that I finish a book from the library and immediately add it to my Amazon cart. But this one was so full of practical wisdom that I want to be able to reference it repeatedly! Before reading, I wouldn’t have considered myself someone who struggles to connect in conversation, but Dr. Holleman’s thoughts challenged me to identify several areas where I can grow in considering “not only my own interests, but also the interests of others,” when communicating, encouraging, and posing valuable questions. I can’t really think of anyone who wouldn’t benefit from reading this one.

I gave a 5 star rating because the content is good, but I do have one complaint about the book: the structure is confusing at first, and she references several lists that are hard to keep straight (Six Conversations, Four Conversation Mindsets, Three Fresh Goals for Conversations, etc.) Part of why I wanted to own the book is because the info is presented in kind of an overloaded way that makes it hard to remember all of the various concepts.

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent little book that has changed how I think about conversations. I love the reminder at the end to approach time with the Lord as conversation. There are many sample questions included (throughout the book as well as at the end.) It’s helped me to think that one way I can “love my neighbor” is to simply talk to them and ask questions to know them better. (And hopefully help them leave the conversation knowing themselves better.) My favorite chapter was “handling fear and self-consciousness,” a much-needed help for me to keep working to overcome times of shyness.

[Jaycie Foster · Rating 5 out of 5]

Making conversation is a skill I struggle with. I felt like I was missing some knowledge that made it so easy for other people to have conversations. Enter this book - I feel like Heather Holleman just totally demystified the art of having deep, meaningful conversations!

The Six Conversations is such an easy tool and makes so much practical sense. It’s helped me in figuring out what my default conversational styles are, how to ask great questions, and how to listen for other people’s core values and conversational styles. This really equipped me to start developing stronger conversation skills in all my relationships!

[Lauren Purvis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Heather Holleman is one of my favorite authors, and has been so influential in how I approach ministry! This book is a must-read. Heather helps orient your heart posture toward connecting deeply, while offering practical ways to do so in your various spheres of influence. She imparts such incredible wisdom that she’s gained from the Lord & from working as a professor for many years. 10/10.

[Faith High · Rating 5 out of 5]

10/10 would recommend! Holleman does an excellent job of explaining the mindsets, goals, and categories of conversations that connect people with each other in meaningful ways.

[Tim Casteel · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book's tagline sums it up well: "Pathways to Connecting in an Age of Isolation”. Aside from learning to read and conform our lives to God’s Word, I believe this is the key skill to develop: learning how to build warm, deep relationships.

Dr. Holleman is a professor at Penn State and is a pro at building close relationships built on trust: How to ask good questions, to listen well, to become the kind of person that is others-focused and takes a genuine interest in them.

A couple years ago, I posted on Facebook: ISO a book on developing social skills! I feel like that is one of the main barriers for a lot of GenZ students. Any book recommendations?

Six Conversations IS that book.

"You’ll gain confidence in starting conversations. You’ll know how to connect. And your life will change forever from lonely, disconnected, insecure, and even unhealthy to living in richer communities of deep connection, security, and well-being.”

For my job as a college pastor, Dr Holleman perfectly summarizes what we need: the ministry training college students want doesn’t "involve more theology or more inspiration; the training people most wanted was how to have a loving conversation. How can we talk about our spiritual lives if we don’t know how to connect?"

[Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really helpful… This is an area I need/want to grow in and thought it was very practical. I kept notes (something I don’t usually do) and want to try to apply several things.

[Grace Marriott · Rating 5 out of 5]

So good! Felt practical for every facet of my life! Feel like everyone should read!!

[Cole Pate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book! If anyone wants to learn how to have better conversations with anyone, read this book! Very practical!

[Sailie Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome book— really practical steps to inviting people into intentional and life-giving conversation

“No conversation is an accident or without a divine purpose.”

[Beth Weaver · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must-read, in my opinion, and one of the most inspiring and transforming books I have read in a long time. Holleman writes about connecting through life giving conversations--something we all deeply desire, but don't do very well at--and offers us a way forward. The book is written in an organized, logical, and concise manner, making it a fairly quick read, but it is far from dense. It is packed with so much treasure...her personal stories, illustrations, practical advice, questions and evaluations for personal assessment. She writes with honesty, but also with generosity, and a heart for Jesus and His Word, that I found to be very compelling.

[Jessie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Warning: This book is highly religious. While most of the references to the Christian Bible focus on inclusive and loving messages, the idea of worshiping the Christian God does get "encouraged" over and over and over again. Before I get flamed in comments: I am Christian. AND I believe that a book about how to have better, more loving conversations with EVERYONE should avoid making people of other religions/beliefs feel excluded by preaching one specific religion so much.

Warning aside, there were several interesting ideas in here. I think I would recommend reading the list of 100 questions, and getting a feel for the "Four Mindsets" and "Six Conversations (categories)." But, since I cannot, in good conscience, recommend this book to anyone due to the heavy-handed evangelizing, here are those elements (except the 100 questions. Those are just at the back of the book, and you should be able to find them easily.)

FOUR MINDSETS
Adopt these four mindsets while conversing with others to encourage a more engaging experience for both of you.
1) Be curious
2) Believe the best (this is similar to the concept of "assume positive intent")
3) Express concern
4) Share your life (allow yourself to be vulnerable and share related, personal anecdotes)

THE SIX CONVERSATIONS (categories)
1. Social (who were you with?)
2. Emotional (how did that make you feel?)
3. Physical (are you tired? how did that affect your body? are you in pain?)
4. Cognitive (what did you think about that?)
5. Volitional (why did you decide to do it that way?)
6. Spiritual (what are you...seeking supernatural guidance on right now? What is weighing heavy on your soul?)

And you can go to this blog to find a link to a PDF with her 100 favorite questions. https://heatherholleman.com/all-the-f...

The book also contains her perspective on why conversations are important and how we can improve each other's lives by having more meaningful conversations with each other.

[Unchong Berkey · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 Most everyone I know would benefit from the principles shared in this book. We are a society that is generally weak in knowing how to start & hold meaningful conversations, and we are woefully inadequate in drawing others out and showing curiosity. Even if you think you are good at this, Holleman’s many examples of the types of questions we can ask are quite helpful. Some things seemed a bit cheesy, so it fell short of a 4 for me.

[Lauren Ketchum · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book provides a helpful framework to further develop and improve your conversation skills. While not a “Christian” book, it’s a book written by a Christian that incorporates a Biblical perspective throughout. Leaves the reader feeling introspective and provokes new ideas for how to be curious about other people in order to form deeper connections.

[Lee · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is certainly a Christian book. If you, like myself, are not a Christian and not inclined to become one, you can look past all that and get some good recommendations to improve conversations and form closer relationships potentially.

[Peter Krol · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this out loud to my teenagers. We had so much fun practicing conversational skills on one another. Such a wonderful tool to help yourself and others foster warmer human connections with the people around you. Clear, compelling, and practical.

[Abram · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very direct and functional ideas about how to have better conversations. I especially liked the section about pitfalls we fall into in our conversations!

[Shae Whittle · Rating 5 out of 5]

FANTASTIC—thank you Mrs. Fullerton!!

I sincerely apologize to all my people who I love so dearly but have been neglectful in conversations with, this book absolutely makes me want to change the way I approach every interaction

The last chapter was the perfect icing on top, emphasizing our conversations with God and the idea of approaching Him with the same guidelines laid out in the book

A must read!! Truly!

[Keith Skrdlant · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've felt like I was good at connecting with others, and this book affirmed a lot of things I try to practice. It also gave me so much more to think about and strive for. I finished this up on a retreat and made an effort to get to know others on a deeper level, and I was blown away by the level of which I was connecting to people and the joy it was bringing me.

[Nathan Weaver · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is in the top 5 I've ever read. There's some really, really, good stuff to be found here.

[Stephen Washington · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really great book that I will definitely be using and thinking about for a long time. Perfect mix between practical advice and the reasoning behind it. It definitely showed me a lot of ways I need to improve in conversation (and unfortunately it gave me the irreversible realization of what most of the people around me need to work on too). The only gripe that I could think of is that the first couple of chapters sometimes seemed to have dragged on for a little while, but it was likely that I was just impatient to get to more of the practical stuff. In retrospect, the beginning chapters make sense and were totally necessary. I think overall though, the best thing I got from this book was a vision of what conversations could and should be, and the amazing things that come from being connected in conversation.

My favorite quote that I got from the book:
“All of this individuality that is you, properly understood and clearly presented, is a tremendous gift to the world. It is a one-of-a-kind point of view on the universe” - Mary Pipher

I would recommend it to anyone 👍

[Paige Kleinsasser · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good book with insights on engaging with others in this age of disconnect & isolation.

[Ashley Payne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so helpful for growing in how to love others through meaningful conversation. I feel like I was better at having good conversations in college, but at this stage of
my life with two kids, I am often distracted and find myself in a conversation with no idea what to ask. This book was helpful in giving practical advice for asking good questions, and entering into a conversation with a genuine curiosity about what others have to say (an area of weakness for me). I would recommend this book to everyone, because who doesn't want to get better at having conversations?!

[Jayne Waterhouse · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a quick yet encouraging read on how to engage in deep, meaningful conversations by asking thoughtful questions. The book emphasizes the goal of loving others more effectively through intentional dialogue, rooted in biblical principles. Jesus Himself modeled this by asking questions that invited people into deeper relationship, with both Himself and those around them. After reading this book, I’m excited to continue growing in this area.

[Anna Funk · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow did I want to not like this book. It starts strong — we need better conversations to have depth in our relationships — but then it got REALLY hokey and I wanted to throw it at the wall. No, Heather, I'm not gonna open a conversation with an acquaintance with "where in your body right now are you feeling physical pain?" or [enter other personal but also random AF question here that sounds like a ChatBot on shuffle]. But thennnn I found myself using her tactics literally all day every day. Repeating her advice to friends looking for advice for an interpersonal issue. So is this a "good" "book" maybe not. Does she have a GOOD point, yes, yes she does.

[Sydni · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a must-read for anyone under the age of 25, or just anyone who finds themselves a lack of connection in the midst of being surrounded by people. Heather addresses the Age of Isolation and gives practical tools for humans of all ages to learn how to connect with one another through meaningful conversations. It’s highly practical with lots of questions to stir conversation.

I took one star off because it’s written more as a business/self-help manual with too many lists to memorize and follow. I wish it had been edited more like the 5 Love Languages, devoting a whole chapter to each of the 6 conversation categories. I also don’t know that I agree that the 3 purposes of conversation are the end all be all. Finally, I really wish that she devoted much more time, like 3 more chapters, to troubleshooting when you have a conversation partner who is NOT interested, invested, or concerned. The first half of the book is really a beginners guide to how to listen and care about what people say, but there’s no direction or acknowledgement for how to improve conversations when the person you’re talking with is bad at those things.

[Mary Tally · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I’m confident in my ability to start conversations and keep them going, many times I walk away from them feeling disconnected. Heather’s book is full of information and practical tips designed to take every day interactions to a deeper, more authentic level. I’m excited to put what I’ve learned into practice.

My favorite excerpt: “Can you imagine a world of rich fellowship and unity, and deep belonging? Can you imagine your own heart overflowing with love for your neighbor that you demonstrate in authentic conversation with a desire to know the other person and invite them to know you? What if, wherever you are and wherever you go in your life, you decide to become a person creating communion with others, especially the overlooked, forgotten, or suffering person living near you right now. Perhaps conversation most closely reflects the beauty and nature of God himself.”

[Marina Klimova · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! I've read a lot of books about having better and deeper conversations to meaningfully get to know someone and this book is probably one of the best. Heather Holleman merges biblical wisdom with social science research to present a compelling and practical approach to truly loving others through your conversations and allowing others to truly see you as well. She gives mindset shifts, leading questions to ask and lots of examples of how conversations can go. I'll definitely go back and reread this to review.

[Tj Schaefer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Worth a read for any and everyone! Every page is baked with memorable stories and nuggets of wisdom. There is a beautiful balance between understanding and application. I am so thankful to have an author who is spiritually mature and wise, ministering to any soul picking up this must-read masterpiece.

As a campus pastor, I cannot wait to introduce this to my college students this upcoming spring semester. Let's change the world one conversation at a time!