Belonging: The Science of Creating Connection and Bridging Divides

by Geoffrey L. Cohen

Finalist for The Next Big Idea Bookclub • Book of the Year Selection Behavioral Scientist and Greater Good Society

“This is perhaps the richest book on belonging you’ll ever read.… The inspiration one draws from every page of this book is an enhanced sense of what is possible. It revives the very thing we need most in these hope.” ―Claude M. Steele, author of Whistling Vivaldi Discover the secret to flourishing in an age of belonging. In a world filled with discord and loneliness, finding harmony and happiness can be difficult. But what if the key to unlocking our potential lies in this deceptively simple concept? Belonging is the feeling of being a part of a group that values, respects, and cares for us―a feeling that we can all cultivate in even the smallest corners of social life. In The Science of Creating Connection and Bridging Divides , Stanford University professor Geoffrey L. Cohen draws on his own and others’ groundbreaking scientific research to offer simple, concrete solutions for fostering a sense of belonging. These solutions can generate surprisingly significant and long-lasting benefits. Small but powerful actions can bolster belonging―actions such as encouraging people to reflect on their core values before they face a challenge or expressing belief in someone’s capacity to reach a higher standard. A wide range of innovative approaches have been found to boost achievement at work and at school, bridge political divides, reduce prejudice, and even contribute to overall health. Rigorously tested in diverse arenas―from classrooms to disadvantaged neighborhoods to iconic Silicon Valley companies―these methods offer a path forward in these demanding times. Belonging is a compelling read for all who yearn for a more connected world, whether you’re a manager or employee, an educator or student, a parent or caregiver, or simply someone seeking to make the most out of every moment you spend with others. Packed with actionable insights and specific strategies, this book offers hope and practical guidance, serving as both an inspiration and a roadmap to creating a world of inclusion, understanding, and empathy.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Science, Audiobook, Relationships, Sociology

448 pages, Hardcover

First published September 13, 2022

Reviews

[Lydia Wallace · Rating 5 out of 5]

Geoffrey L. Cohen what a difference your book made in my life. Cohen has provided a very helpful and profoundly hopeful guide, rooted in well-tested psychological principles, that we urgently need. Everyone should read this book! An exhilarating book, filled with actionable insights about making the world around you better. No one before Geoffrey L. Highly recommend.

[Antony Monir · Rating 3 out of 5]

Belonging by Cohen is a popular psychology book that focuses on the issues of belonging that are common in society and how we can fix them using “situation-crafting”. The book is divided into three sections: 1 - Introduction to belonging and situation-crafting, 2 - Issues related to belonging & 3 - How to use situation-crafting to solve some of these issues. The book is decently well written and structured. My issue, as with many other popular psychology books, is with the content itself. The main thesis of the book is that many issues that cause polarization of people and discrimination/hatred are due to misunderstandings and biases. To an extent, this is correct and it is also true that people’s environments affect their reasoning. The book then argues that some of these issues can be alleviated using an old social psychology trick called “situation-crafting”. I always find it odd when people try to sell me on an “ancient forgotten” technique because I feel like if it really worked, it wouldn’t have been forgotten or so someone else would have rediscovered it. Regardless of that, Cohen claims that situation-crafting, first discovered by the eminent Kurt Lewin is the solution to many of our conflicts. I am sure that this is true for some interpersonal conflicts (like arguments between friends over something silly) or for some minor intergroup conflicts based on arbitrary factors (such as two classrooms fighting over which classroom is better). What I take issue with is that Cohen then claims that these psychological tricks can help us solve issues of racism, police brutality, and even political conflict. In large parts of the boom he cites studies as evidence that his ancient magical techniques can help us solve many of our problems yet many of his studies have failed to be replicated and a good scientist would not base their judgment purely on such studies. Also, Cohen dangerously implies that a large part of modern society’s conflicts are due to a matter of different opinions and not different values. It is not that we have different values when we are looking at issues such as abortion, but merely that we see the problem differently. Therefore, by talking with someone from the “other side” we can find a middle ground and solve our issues. Again, this may be true for some things, but it isn’t for most things especially not political decisions that affect marginalized communities. You can argue all you want about how you see a fetus as a human being but when you are ready to sacrifice another living being for a potential one, this is not a matter of opinion but of opposing values. I could go on forever about the myriad of weird examples that Cohen provides but it would make this review too long and I don’t feel like typing it out. This book is fine and helpful if you want to see how you can make people feel more welcome around you. Other than that, you’d be better off actually trying to understand the root causes of the issues and not just applying a band-aid empathy exercise to fix the problem. Final rating: 3/5.

[Maher Razouk · Rating 5 out of 5]

أزمة انتماء
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أصبح إيجاد طرق لتعزيز الانتماء مهمة اجتماعية ملحة. الشعور بأنك مختلف ، غريب في أرض غريبة ، وحتى غريب في أرضك ، يبدو شائعًا الآن لدرجة أن المرشح الرئاسي (بيت بوتيجيج) أعلن عن وجود "أزمة انتماء".

يعاني حوالي واحد من كل خمسة أمريكيين من الشعور بالوحدة المزمنة ، حيث أظهر استطلاع عام 2020 أن الشباب هم أكثر من يعاني. يقول الباحث في علم الجينوم ستيف كول من كلية الطب بجامعة كاليفورنيا في لوس أنجلوس ، إن الوحدة هي "أحد أكثر عوامل الخطر البيئية السمية التي ندركها فيما يتعلق بالوفيات الناجمة عن جميع الأسباب" ، مُعرِّفًا إياها بأنها "مدى شعور الناس بالانفصال عن بقية الإنسانية." يفهم معظمنا مخاطر التعرض للإشعاع ودخان السجائر والسموم الجسدية الأخرى ، لكننا نجد صعوبة في تقدير قوة السموم الاجتماعية والنفسية. الوحدة المزمنة مدمرة لأجسامنا وصحتنا مثل تدخين علبة سجائر في اليوم.

نظرًا لأن الأمريكيين أصبحوا منفصلين عن مجتمعهم ، فقد عانوا مما يسميه (أنجوس ديتون) و(آن كيس) "أمراض اليأس". اكتشف الباحثون أنه في عام 2017 ، توفي 158000 أمريكي إما من خلال عملية بطيئة من الإدمان على الكحول أو المسكنات أو غيرها من المخدرات أو من خلال الانتحار بالرصاص أو جرعة زائدة. هذا يعادل "ثلاث طائرات 737 ماكس كاملة تسقط من السماء كل يوم ، مع عدم وجود ناجين" ، كما كتبوا. ارتفع عدد هذه الوفيات خلال العقدين الماضيين ، ويجادل ديتون وكيس بأن الزيادة ترجع إلى حد كبير إلى الألم الاجتماعي الناتج عن الشعور بالانفصال.

يشعر اللاجئون أيضًا بالألم الاجتماعي في جميع أنحاء العالم ، الذين تضخمت أعدادهم كثيرًا منذ عام 2015 بحيث أصبحوا يشكلون الآن 1٪ من سكان العالم. عندما علم الروائي الصومالي (نور الدين فرح) بأنه منفي ولم يعد بإمكانه العودة إلى المكان الذي نشأ فيه ، بدا الأمر كما لو أن إحساسه بالذات قد تحطم. كتب : "في تلك اللحظة ، شعرت على الفور بالنزوح وعدم الثقة ، كما لو أنني مرآة وتحطمت. في النهاية ، كنت أسأل نفسي إذا كنت قد أصبحت شخصًا آخر بسبب ما حدث ".
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Geoffrey L. Cohen
Belonging
Translated By #Maher_Razouk

[Dan Connors · Rating 5 out of 5]

"A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick."
Brene Brown


When you walk into a social gathering, workplace, schoolroom, store, or restaurant, do you ever ask yourself the question- do I belong here? Do I feel comfortable around these people, or do I feel threatened? Do they accept and respect me, or are they judging me and wishing that I'd change or leave? The epidemic of loneliness and disconnection that has swept the planet can be tied to this one concept- belonging. Humans are intensely social creatures, much as we'd like to deny it, and to survive we need safe spaces where we can feel connection with others. The problem comes when we are so hungry to belong to any group, that we settle for a conditional sort of belonging that pits us vs them, creating bad guys, outcasts, and people to hate.


Belonging, a new book by Geoffrey Cohen, takes an in-depth look at the problem of belonging and self-concept, and how it applies to perceived threats in schools, workplaces, health care settings, politics, and relationships. The author is a professor of Psychology at Stanford University, and he backs up his assertions with a dizzying array of studies from the field of social psychology. This is his first book.


Cohen talks about what he calls belonging uncertainty, which can be very damaging, especially for the most vulnerable among us- people of color, the very young, very old, handicapped people, and anybody else who has reason to believe that they don't quite fit in to the ideal stereotype. Studies have shown that these people are less resilient than their more fortunate peers. Small incidents that could happen to anybody are blown out of proportion and pinned on belonging uncertainty, causing loss of self-esteem and starting a negative spiral that leads to dropping out of schools and workplaces.


This leads into one of the main ideas of this book- the fundamental attribution error. This cognitive bias is the source of many of our social ills- racism, sexism, hate, and discrimination. It is the mistaken belief that some people are just fundamentally good and some are fundamentally bad or inferior. Harmful actions by the in-group are ignored or excused, while those by the "bad" guys are fundamental examples of their bad character. Instead, studies have shown that many of our activities are situational, not baked in. Before judging someone for their situation, look at where they are coming from, and you will probably see how their life experiences have shaped them. Much of our stratified society is built around the idea of the this bias, and it gets in the way of a feeling of belonging, especially when people take to heart that they are somehow irredeemable and give up hope of ever fitting in.


The author points to the famous Pygmalion Effect study of elementary school classrooms where teachers were given lists of students who were considered gifted, calling them "bloomers". The students on those lists proceeded to flourish and improve their IQ scores more than their classmates, even though their names were randomly drawn from a class list. The teachers, believing that the students were special, treated them as special, and that made all the difference. This effect has been seen in workplaces and schools all over, and it makes sense. People, especially those who are young and unsure of their place in the world, look to authority figures like teachers and bosses for validation and encouragement as much as they look for food and water. When presented with encouragement and high expectations, most of us deliver better results than when left alone or actively frowned upon.


Can anything be done about this problem? Yes, says Dr. Cohen. He points to exhaustive studies that show how to raise feelings of belonging while improving empathy, connection, and openness. He calls the most effective techniques "situation crafting". Since our behavior is largely shaped by our situations, changing the situations into something more inclusive can produce surprising benefits. One example that he shares is in the classrooms, where a single teacher controls the learning and can choose favorites and outsiders. Rather than put the teacher at the center of everything, there's another alternative called jigsaw groups, where classes are broken up into groups, with each group in charge of a topic, and the topics building on each other like a jigsaw puzzle. When students work cooperatively with each other toward a common goal, belonging soars, but when they sit silently in a classroom with a teacher who plays favorites, it plummets.


Dr. Cohen presents two powerful ideas that can transform almost any situation. The first is wise feedback and criticism, where an authority figure honestly points to weaknesses in a project while assuring the recipient that they believe in them and know they have the ability to improve. This is much more motivating than a nice smiley face written on a paper or a low grade and nasty scowl. The second idea is values affirmation, where before entering into a situation, the person is encouraged to think about or write about their core values. Tapping into this deep well of energy has shown to transform performances. (Sample of these value activities for all ages can be found on his website- shown here.


Belonging is an inspiring, science-driven book that's perfect for our age of disconnection and judgement. We are all so much more alike than different, it's such a shame that we can't see that in each other. Dr. Cohen finishes the book with in-depth looks at how belonging can be improved in specific areas like:


- Schools. Students must feel like they belong in their school and are respected and encouraged. Wise interventions, especially for the most vulnerable, can help improve empathy, community, and performance. The teen years especially can be a challenge to identity, and strong connections, friendly role models, and a safe place to learn are vital.


- Workplaces. Only a third of employees are truly engaged by their jobs according to studies, and much of that is because they don't feel like their employer cares about them. Even before being hired, studies have shown that implicit biases weed out good candidates who don't fit preconceived notions. Managers somehow have to make their employees feel important and appreciated by giving wise feedback, acknowledgment, and welcoming work conditions.


- Health Care. Hospitals and doctors offices can be sterile, unpleasant places. Many health problems can be traced to mental and emotional health, and most will heal much better with support, especially from support groups of other people who are going through or have experienced the same health issues. There's something called CTRA, (conserved transcriptional response to adversity), that comes from chronic stress and the feeling of being threatened. CTRA produces increased inflammation and decreased antiviral activity, both of which contribute to poorer and poorer health outcomes. Connection and support counteract that impulse and is the best hope of the chronically ill.


- Police. Our law enforcement system is supposed to protect us. But what happens when it's seen as biased and untrustworthy? Citizens stop cooperating and police officers are seen as the enemy, when in reality they are there to keep the peace, which most of us want. Cohen points to innovative solutions tried out in places like Australia and Camden, NJ where officers were encouraged to get out of their cars and interact with the community. By crafting the situation of routine encounters, both officers and citizens can be made to feel that the system is helpful and legitimate, and that they all belong to the same community.


- Politics. Ironically, many of us find our main source of belonging by choosing a side in the political debates. Those who are like us are the good guys and those who oppose us are evil. But as we've seen, this increases hatred, prejudice, us vs them thinking, and zero sum strategies. Luckily there are strategies out there that can counteract the polarization and help people find each other again. These include asking open-ended questions, giving your own honest perspective and sharing your experiences, and affirming the other with respect. This is harder than the simple shortcut of picking a side, but if enough of the right thought leaders did it, I think it could work.


This book says that it presents the science of creating connections and bridging divides, and it certainly does deliver, especially with the science. We all have a need to belong, and we are also quick to judge others based on their race, creed, color or other attribute that codes them as "other". We are all "others". The situation that we all live in can be cruel and competitive, which rarely brings out the best in us. Crafting the situations to improve connection makes more sense than giving up on others because we see them as fundamentally flawed.


This book presents the problem well, and even better it presents solutions that have worked in the real world. I hope that more and more of those in positions of power and influence will realize the power of inclusion and community vastly outweighs the powers of us vs them.

[Alissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very enjoyable and interesting read. I’ve found myself continually thinking about things from the perspective of belonging since I started this book. Good book club pick- excited to discuss.

[Ell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book interesting and informative. In a world where it seems divisiveness is strong, despite all the speak on inclusiveness, this is an apropos topic. Amongst certain groups there seems to be a very strong inclination toward “you are either like us or you are a part of a maligned out-group.” As a person who pretty much accepts people and their differences, I must admit, I am confounded by the forces that propel individuals to have in- and out-group mentalities in which the out-group is perceived as a threat or an entity to be avoided at all costs.

Belonging is written by a Stanford social psychology professor who has studied alienation and its wide-ranging effects which include social pain, decreased well-being, and decreased potential. Cohen has also researched how to bridge divides, overcome automatic bias, and widen our circles of belonging. As the author points out, even slight adjustments in our thoughts and behaviors toward others may foster increased individual and collective well-being, alleviate social tension, and create occasions to connect and grow. This book is not a socio-political call to action, but rather a gentle reminder that we all have the potential to positively impact our own circles by fostering a spirit of inclusiveness in our every-day attitudes and actions.

This book is insightful, informative, and relevant. I wish books like these were required reading in high school and/or college.

[Robyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Free from the Ford Family Foundation | No action items, questionable ethics | The subtitle is accurate, this is the science, not the solutions. It summarizes decades of research into what the author chooses to call "situation crafting", which forms of manipulation are effective and which are not. Unless you're the lead at a large organization, there's little here that can be applied to life. It was deeply off-putting just how many times in the first half of the book the author would note that the research he was about to explain in great supportive detail is now considered unethical, has been widely criticized, and predates institutional review boards that enforce ethical behavior... but the research was crafted by someone the author knows personally, so he has seen how valuable it is and wants to share it anyway. There's even a story about "clever, creative thinking" which he notes in an aside describes a situation that might have involved young women being forcibly married to known murderers because the killers wanted a cash payout. Time and again the book returns to the idea that all is better if people start with his "values affirmations", which are available on his website. I just overall felt that even though the author and I seem to have similar political and social beliefs, I don't want him being the one to "craft situations" and decide how people get changed.

[Masnoon Majeed · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very insightful book. I listened to the audiobook so couldn't pay full attention. It is quite a detail-oriented, but here are three key insights I learnt from the book:

1) It is about the situation and not the personality.
2) Ask not to emphasize, it seems humans are actually bad at empathy.
3) Connect not convince, its almost impossible to change opinions via arguments!

[Vika P · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the quotes from the book “the key to belonging is not just connection but meaningful connection, where people feel that their individuality is embraced, not erased”

[Haley Hernandez · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got this book for free through a GoodReads giveaway (Thank you!). I haven’t read many Psychology books or Non-fiction books for that matter, but I can definitely say that this was a mind-opener to read. I appreciate every message that was given throughout this book. Honestly, it makes me want to learn more about Social Psychology. In the past, I’ve read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. The way this book was written seems very similar to me with the use of anecdotes and studies, but much more refined. It’s nice to see all of Cohen’s work really come together in this one book. I’m glad that I got this book for free because I don’t think I would’ve known about it any other way.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book does a great job taking a lot of research and study around belonging and bringing it together in a cohesive and digestible way.

I appreciate that there are actionable ways that you can enhance feelings of belonging. I think the section on stereotyping and bias was particularly well done.

I would highly encourage anyone to pick up this book, but especially those who have formal influence and control over others.

[Joseph · Rating 4 out of 5]

Surprisingly good. At first I thought that it was just going to be another light introduction to various popular social science ideas and social psychology ideas (fundamental attribution bias, stereotype threat, the importance of childhood for later life outcomes, etc.). But this book actually went far more in-depth than other pop science books that I've encountered. The emphasis on evidence-based interventions and the citations to actual research were very helpful in tracking down related research.

[Corinne · Rating 1 out of 5]

1. This is not a book about belonging, but rather a book about highlighting differences between people (be it their sex, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, or socioeconomic position). It details quite literal social engineering techniques / psy-ops that ironically remove a sense of self-efficacy in anyone who is not a white male by affirming and reaffirming that a. Anyone outside of this group is some type of victim, and b. intentional ideological and sociological interventions are needed in order to protect such "vulnerable" groups.

2. Main themes of being generally respectful and kind to others, getting to know individuals based on their character and not background, and checking internal biases, constitute sound moral behavior from time immemorial. To present this as groundbreaking new research is both unnecessary and somewhat patronizing.

[Lynda Coker · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wanted to read this book because I see the huge need that so many people have, especially youths, to fit in, be accepted, or belong to a collective or group. In the divisive world we live in, this is not as easy as it seems. And even when it is, there is often a negative side that comes with belonging and that is exclusivity. The perspective that you’re one of us or not of us.

Geoffrey L Cohen is a Stanford psychology professor so I tended to give his words some serious thought and found that I agreed with many of them.

I especially enjoyed section three of this book - Fostering Belonging in All Walks of Life because it offered a practical application for implementing situational arenas that touched on all ages with school and work. It even discussed policing our communities and the political policies that are one of the most powerful elements of division in our society.

This is a big book and one that isn’t conducive to skimming. So make the time to read it thoroughly. I think you’ll be glad you did.

This was a Goodreads giveaway. My review is my own and reflects my personal thoughts and opinions.

[charlotte davis · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars, read as a requirement for my college living learning community. i enjoyed reading the studies and all the little anecdotes. like with a lot of non fiction i’ve read, i did fall into a period of “okay i get it we can move on” esp with the belonging in school and work chapters which felt really basic. but i really liked the belonging in health and the us vs them sections! the letter from the nurse to the wife of a patient, who passed away from covid, was so touching

[Cheryl · Rating 2 out of 5]

Research shows that when our sense of belonging is threatened even momentarily, we’re more likely to feel worse about ourselves, perform below our potential, behave impulsively, see others as hostile, and lash out defensively when provoked. On the other hand, even fleeting experiences of belonging, such as glimpsing pictures of people who care about us, can have far-reaching benefits. They raise our sense of well-being and self-worth, improve our performance, lessen our defensiveness and hostility, increase our tolerance of outsiders, and make us more compassionate. We become more humane.

A dense, mixed bag here, I found myself highlighting some wisdom and success that research has been showing, thinking of how I can use it, then falling into the skeptical camp, which are replicated, are the studies on college campuses truly representative of the world, etc. He referenced the Stanford prison study which has been shown to be unethical and inhumane, acknowledges it a little, then adds his own follow up to it. He acknowledges much of his field of study has an inhumane, manipulative history, and they try to “engineer situations” instead of manipulating people, which is a power differential, so still problematic. But we are so hungry for something, anything to budge the needle of absolute disagreements that some of these interventions sounds like something to try.

A few times the author said, this was proven by this one study, and I think that is dangerous, suggested is a better word. But some are replicated in different countries, with different populations. My only other caveat is that he was wildly non inclusive with some of his language around racism, not capitalizing Black and actually writing sentences with “blacks” instead of the accepted inclusive etiquette now, and he also wrote about “an epileptic” instead of a person with epilepsy, so I do think it was signs of his implicit bias, and shame on the editors for not catching it.

This book turns the most important insight of the social and behavioral sciences into a strategy for self-help and social change: the power of the situation. Research shows that the situation, right here and right now, shapes us far more than we think. What we do, think, and feel isn’t just driven by far-off, impersonal forces—or by our inherent personality, ability, and character—but also by what happens around us in the classroom or boardroom, at the dinner table or the bar. What happens in the blink of an eye, including the blink of an eye, can make a big difference.

Time, participatory processes, reference groups, self-affirmations, and roles are not material resources in the way that, say, money and jobs are. They are psychologically experienced resources, and as such they depend for their power on perception. Even time is experienced relative to one’s perspective. What counts as the “right time” in social life is largely dependent on a person’s psychological readiness. While that can be difficult to perceive, if we listen and look carefully, we can often sense when we have an opportunity to make a wise intervention. There’s a wide range for creativity and personal expression within the constraints of what I refer to as the three Ts of situation-crafting. The right psychological message (tailoring) occurs for the right person (targeting) at the right time (timeliness). What would have otherwise been an inconsequential experience becomes a turning point.

Rosenberg sums up the wisdom he has picked up over years of hard conversations: “When my consciousness is focused on another human being’s feelings and needs, I see the universality of our experience. I had a major conflict with what went on in his head, but I’ve learned that I enjoy human beings more if I don’t hear what they think. Especially with folks who have his kind of thoughts. I’ve learned to savor life much more by only hearing what’s going on in their hearts and not getting caught up with the stuff in their heads.”

The most undersold discovery in social psychology and, indeed, in social science in general is the sheer complexity of human behavior, which we simplify. We don’t like to admit it, especially we scientists of human behavior, but we don’t know why people do what they do most of the time. Every situation is a unique and complex convergence of many forces. Contrary to sci-fi yarns that present a dystopian future where “Big Brother” has every citizen’s personality pegged and filed, and where artificial intelligence predicts everyone’s behavior so well that we finally have to admit there is no such thing as free will, people are hard to predict. One large-scale study, published in 2020, tested how well artificial intelligence algorithms could predict outcomes like children’s high school GPA or whether a family would run into economic hardship, based on extensive data about children and their families from age zero to sixteen. Even the best algorithms left 95 percent of the diversity in outcomes unexplained. That means that lots of children and lots of families did better, and a lot did worse, than the algorithms predicted. “What is” offers a poor guide to “what will be” and, I would add, an even worse guide to “what could be.”

[Nicole Buchner Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think everyone should read this but especially people who work at schools.

[Siri Arntzen-Ratnarajan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Almost a five! Genuinely thought provoking and important in times like these particularly. Thorough on the topic of belonging from several perspectives. I learned a lot and will recommend it warmly.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks for the read, UVM!

[Roozbeh Daneshvar · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is about belonging. They talk about the science/art of situation crafting to foster belonging, stereotyping and empathy. They also talk about belonging in different walks of life, such as schools, workplaces, health, community and politics.

The book really did change my perspective. I feel that I am now less inclined towards Us vs. Them and I am more conscious of stereotyping other people. I also feel that I am more open to having empathy towards people whom I could not tolerate before this (what do I know, maybe the book has just given me an illusion and I am still the same person as I used to be).

One could learn from reading this book. Yet, it is very dry: it has a lot of reporting on research and lacks an engaging flow. I am bringing some quotes from the book:

Feeling excluded is experienced in much the way physical pain is, with both activating many of the same neural networks in the brain.

Chronic loneliness is as destructive to our bodies and health as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.

Key to our being “wise” is a desire and readiness to see a situation from the perspective of others we're sharing it with and to take note of how aspects of the situation may be affecting them.

Encounters that involve people who are unlike each other in meaningful ways define our diverse and unsettled world. The stakes of these encounters are high. They have the potential to increase both understanding and misunderstanding—to unite or divide us.

research shows that sharing vulnerabilities is another powerful way to bridge divides.

Authoritarian leadership might generate good behavior in the short term, but it didn't lead to much true affection for other group members or commitment to the work.

home is a psychological experience—not just a place, but how the place makes us feel. The same is true for almost any social situation.

Belonging is less like a keystone belief and more like a perception that's continually being re-created anew in every situation.

Evolutionary biologists argue that being members of a group was essential to our survival and that our species developed a fear of being isolated.

Our central nervous system activates a threat response when it “perceives” ourselves to be alone, a survival mechanism that ratchets up heart rate, blood pressure, and the release of stress hormones.

But the meaning of a situation isn't something that each of us alone gets to choose. When two people see the same situation differently, it's often because they are literally in different situations in light of their knowledge and past experiences.

Even though belonging may be easily derailed, it can also be easily affirmed.

Indeed, research shows that while receiving motivational advice about how to do better in school has little effect, giving advice works wonders; students get better grades when they give academic advice to another.

More recently, evolutionary biologists have argued that we've been bred by natural selection to form ourselves into groups and to instinctively see those we perceive to be outside our group as threatening.

Our willingness to seize on even arbitrary Us-vs.-Them distinctions seems like a psychological reflex. It makes us vulnerable to manipulation by those who would profit from dividing the world into arbitrary groups.

The key question is not “What is our nature?” but “What are the elements of situations that draw out the better angels of our nature?”

Much of what we see as Us-vs.-Them behavior is motivated by our desire to conform to a group—to fit in with and belong to our group. Indeed, while most ordinary individuals are loath to perpetrate violent behavior, many will do so on behalf of a group to which they belong.

In our lives, the roles we either freely choose to play—or are pressured to play—take on a reality. We to a large degree become our roles—at least in the eyes of those subjected to our behavior.

Such small acts in which we reconnect with our values and our sense of self actually do more good than we often realize, helping us to resist harmful social norms and stereotypes.

the theory in social psychology that groups with higher social status—ones we are more likely to see as a reference group—exercise more conformity pressure than lower-status groups do.

our views can be shaped by the views of a group we want to conform to and ideally belong in. We often rationalize our conformity by changing our own attitudes to bring them in line with our public behavior. We may even adopt harmful beliefs to justify ourselves.

When people feel excluded, they tend to become more aggressive toward—or supportive of violence against—those they feel excluded by. They also become emotionally numbed to the hurt caused by the violence they perpetrate or support.

Critically, the threat to social belonging need not be experienced personally. It can also be felt on behalf of others in one's group.

The “psyche-logic” behind terrorism explains why presenting group members with logical arguments and evidence is largely ineffective in getting them to abandon these groups and often fuels deeper commitment. It's not about logic.

The way to reach members of hate groups, Christian Picciolini suggests, is to offer them an alternative source of belonging. Research suggests that violent extremist groups have an Achilles' heel in this regard.

One way we can all help in our everyday lives to nurture belonging in those subscribing to hateful beliefs is by suspending our judgment of them and engaging in open-minded, curious conversation with them.

Much research suggests that restorative practices, when properly implemented as a schoolwide norm rather than a one-off or occasional special event, have dramatic benefits for students' belonging and behavior and for the culture of the school.

Our ability to silo ourselves has vastly expanded in the modern era, with online social networks, private schools, and gated communities.

freely choosing to do someone a favor increases liking for that person.

they conveyed knowledge to the other kids in the group, a self-affirming role of empowerment.

One winning strategy is to have the learning teams compete—with the prize going to the group not with the highest average test score but the highest average improvement. Kids start to take pride in each other's growth. Another's success becomes their own.

Social psychology suggests that our failures to speak up arise in good part from norms, groups, and fear of ostracism, all of which can be addressed through situation-crafting.

Fundamental Attribution Error. It's an impulsive cognitive bias that leads us to see the behavior of others as emanating from some underlying essence—who the person is—rather than from the situation they are in.

The Fundamental Attribution Error leaves little room in our minds to imagine the complexities and contradictions of people.

we far too often fail to account for how situations in real life have also been crafted, intentionally or not, to confer advantages on some and disadvantages on others.

confirmation bias. It leads us to accept information that supports our views and ignore information that contradicts them.

systemic—meaning situational at an institutional or societal scale—

By ignoring systemic situational factors, we also let off the hook the people in power who craft our situations.

differences among students may arise from the classroom situation being experienced differently by each of them.

“What is” offers a poor guide to “what will be” and, I would add, an even worse guide to “what could be.”

such “ability praise” teaches kids to believe that innate ability rather than effort drives success, which contributes to failure in the long run.

Stereotypes lead us as ordinary people in our everday lives to threaten the belonging of others, even when we don't consciously believe the stereotypes.

our biases do not have to be overt to inflict great harm, and we do not have to feel disgust, disdain, fear, or anger toward others to treat them in biased and harmful ways.

Ambiguity is fodder for stereotypes.

a remark by Martin Luther King Jr. He said that one thing he feared about school desegregation was that black children would be taught by white teachers who don't love them.

black children are less likely to be seen as children

When people know they have to explain their decisions, they are better able to correct for their biases because they look at their decisions as outsiders would.

he muses that one of racism's greatest triumphs is to “cause us the greatest humiliation simply by confronting us with something we liked.”

America has a standardized test fetish, beholden as the country is to a near-religious fixation on measuring supposedly inherent abilities.

Stereotypes can hijack group solidarity and weaponize it. Because members of groups feel bonded with one another, stereotypes can make them feel threatened by one another.

the “availability heuristic”: That which is mentally available, that which comes readily to mind, is deemed more likely.

Our judgments of others' character and state of mind sometimes say more about our own than about anyone else's. Misreadings are more common when we feel stressed, insecure, or threatened.

People restore the feeling that they belong, Wert suggests, by establishing who doesn't.

Asking others to share their perspective not only leads to much more accuracy of understanding between people but creates a bonding force, which engenders still deeper and richer readings of one another.

“to empathize,” as the word's Germanic origin, einfühlen, meaning literally “to feel oneself into,”

much of the time, when we imagine ourselves in the same situation as another person, we conclude, “I wouldn't have done what they did!” This then makes us less empathic.

Zero-sum competition between students threatens belonging too.

Stereotypes of teens peg them as self-centered, even obsessed with all the daily dramas of their lives. But in reality many are deeply interested in the state of the world and helping to make it a better place.

the very word “educate.” It originates from a Latin word that means “to draw out.” Contrary to our commonsense notion of an educator as someone who “pours in” knowledge and information, a better metaphor is of a guide who sees and draws out hidden potential.

Research suggests that all of us, managers included, tend to underestimate the degree to which other people are motivated by the desire to belong and to contribute to a larger mission.

One common pattern that was documented by Claude Steele many years ago is that once an organization has hired one minority employee, it hires fewer in the future, in effect resting on its laurels.

More homogenous groups challenge one another's views and ideas less than diverse groups, reinforcing one another's perspectives, which can lead to overconfidence in judgments, failure to consider alternative options, and a lack of innovation.

Research has found that most of us generally think that people who share our own idiosyncratic qualities, regardless of their race, gender, or class, are more likely to succeed.

Interviews provide plenty of fodder for such biases. They give us all too much leeway to find mini-me's rather than employees who will bring genuine diversity.

Richard Feynman's dictum, “The first principle is that you must not fool yourself—and you are the easiest person to fool.”

Our evaluations of others, research suggests, often say more about our own psychological needs than other people's merits.

Diversity training has become a billion-dollar industry. But does the training work? The answer is, by and large, no, according to Dobbin and Kalev. But its failure is not an indication that diversity training is fundamentally flawed. Rather, much of it is poorly conceived and implemented.

Research shows that programs to foster diversity and multiculturalism can leave white people and men feeling left out and defensive.

Those with a terminal illness report the sense that the world is divided into the community of the living and a lonely realm of the dying.

Even though being with others may not solve the problems we have, facing them together makes them feel less threatening and makes us feel stronger.

cancer patients who are married live on average four months longer than those who are not,

cancer cells are less aggressive, and duplicate and metastasize less rapidly, in the blood of people who are less lonely.

when people are in a prolonged situation of social distress, their genes start to function differently.

In our modern world, a big liability to health is feeling disconnected from other people.

As the biologist Robert Sapolsky has pointed out, the perception of threat can live on in the mind well after it has receded in reality because the human mind is given to ruminating.

Organizing your life to gain pleasure and avoid pain isn't a robust recipe for health. It seems healthier to harness the energies of the self to commitments beyond serving self-interest, such as helping others.

Connecting with our values helps to refocus us on our purpose, making small problems loom less large.

affirmations activate the reward circuitry of the brain, and activation of the reward circuitry in turn tamps down the stress response.

In fact, as Matthew Lieberman points out in his book, Social, fair treatment, like all social rewards, activates much of the same reward circuitry of the brain as does candy.

personal responsibility, a bedrock value of a democratic society, takes root more readily when people feel that they are accorded a full measure of dignity and respect—when they feel they belong.

as much research has shown, people don't generally change their political views in response to arguments, at least not without the right conditions prevailing in the discussion.

Because of this bias, simply exposing people to alternative views, for instance by altering their news feed on social media, is unlikely to have the hoped-for effects. Research suggests it may even entrench people in their views.

In spite of their hefty price tags, for instance, political campaigns in U.S. elections have virtually no effect on voters' choices.

Our minds are not impartial information processors. To borrow a metaphor from the social psychologist Arie Kruglanski, they are more like mills that crush the grist of our everyday lives into confirmation that “our way” is the “right way.”

in the United States, the winner-take-all electoral system encourages Us-vs.-Them thinking.

Indeed, the reason people argue for their views is often more to prove they are upstanding members of their chosen political “tribe” than to prove their views are correct. Their fealty is more strongly given to their group than to their views.

people become so truculent about their views largely because they find opposing views threatening to their sense of belonging and, by extension, their sense of self.

while extreme conformity may have benefits in a homogenous setting where we live among only one tribe, it's a recipe for division and even violence in a society where many groups must live together.

A takeaway is that if we want to build bridges across partisan divides, we must find ways to alleviate the sense of threat to people's sense of belonging that's triggered by considering opposing views.

the more of us who express our views as opinions, the more others will be encouraged to do so, helping to mitigate defensiveness and polarization.

In fact, research finds that people are less likely to denigrate those with opposing beliefs on polarizing political topics when they hear others explain their positions in their own voice rather than when they simply read a transcript of what others said.

Oftentimes when we have the sense “people never change,” it's because we have been using the same wrong keys to unlock a door or because the change has unfolded more slowly than we expect,

Once we are aware of the degree to which our minds create our reality even in waking life, we can become better positioned to question our perceptions and craft situations better aligned with our values.

Contrary to popular wisdom, many self-affirmations take the form not of “I am good, or smart, or well liked” but “Here is what I am committed to and why,” which “firms up” the self.

[Rachel Drogowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so good! Geoffrey Cohen has done some amazing work and has worked with amazing people to really find what creates connection in people. The world is so divided and polarized and this book helped me really think about ways that I can improve my personal and professional connections. It's amazing how small changes each person makes can make such a big impact, this book definitely made me think internally and made me want to be a better person.

[Kelly Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

An utterly necessary book for the times we live in. The author describes how vital a sense of belonging is to our physical and mental well-being. He goes on to summarize the scarce research on the subject, and then provide some science-backed tips for crafting situations that foster belong in the home, school, workplace, and community. This book makes you feel just a little bit more human, and a little bit more responsibility toward your fellow humans.

[Alanna · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 ⭐️🎧 Review of scientific research behind common practices to foster belonging in social settings, like schools and workplaces. I liked the education discussions the most. However, none of the key points of the book were groundbreaking, which made it challenging to get through.

[Emily · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was interesting and engaging. It’s largely a summary of the author and his cronies works. I felt like it gave a lot of anecdotal evidence about the psychology and sociology of belonging, but didn’t offer much practical advice. The advice felt like an afterthought. I also felt that, despite his best efforts, it was a very white-centric text…

[M. · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was a good read.

[Bookssunflowers_ · Rating 4 out of 5]

3,5/5

[Raffaello Palandri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Book of the Day – Belonging
Today’s Book of the Day is BELONGING: THE SCIENCE OF CREATING CONNECTION AND BRIDGING DIVIDES, written by Geoffrey L. Cohen and published in 2022 by W. W. Norton & Company.

Geoffrey L. Cohen is a professor of psychology and the James G. March Professor of Organizational Studies in Education and Business at Stanford University. He is an expert in social psychology and has made extensive research on the processes that shape our sense of belonging and self-concept.

I have chosen this book today as it is one of the most complete ones about the sense of belonging. As this theme has always been central to my coaching and consulting practice, I have read the book with curiosity and my expectations were pleasantly exceeded.

What comes out of this book is hope.

Hope as a nurturing feeling that one has understanding that a lot of things can be done and that many things are indeed possible to grow our sense of belonging.

It’s not a secret that we are experiencing a life where a deep polarization creates a large divide between persons with different ideas. Politics has poured fuel on the fire in the last years increasing contrasts about ideology, race, religion, and gender.

It seems like our very social ties at home, at work, at school, and in our local and global communities are becoming nothing more than mere obedience to laws and rules.

Geoffrey Cohen brings to the table his experience and his scientific research on the sense of belonging showing the readers that there are efficient science-backed tools and techniques for reconciling our differences, living with empathy, and creating a society based on trustful connections between people.

Division and disconnection start when one thinks in terms of “me and the others“. These others are then seen as the source of all the problems, difficulties, and issues of one’s life. Individual needs are perceived as more relevant and important than those of everyone else.

To overcome this negative mindset, we have to do even small acts that do not go against others, and that do not threaten other people’s core values, purpose, and ideals. Cohen suggests that those acts that are able to create bridges and connections are extremely effective in reducing the distance between the extremes. When we work on finding those values that unite us and when we engage in practices that the authors defines as “situation-crafting”, we can put a brake on polarization, and create and grow a sense of belonging and common motivation.

All this has a series of positive effects like an increase in performance in our personal and professional lives, better outcomes at school, reduction of racism and social divide, and an improvement of our well-being.

Cohen has been able to pack a series of extremely effective suggestions and practices with an engaging writing style that makes this a very pleasant read.

Belonging is an essential book for managers, teachers and educators, politicians, parents, and everyone who is interested in fostering empathy and a more inclusive social living on a wider scale.

I definitely recommend this book!

[Glenda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a really good read, and something that anyone working with kids or in schools could benefit from.

Feeling that you belong matters, more than we think. Dozens of studies are cited in this book that shows much that matters from an education, discrimination, and even health perspective.

We feel and perform at a lower level if we feel that we do not belong, and finding ways to "foster belonging has been an urgent social mission".

We can do little things that matter a lot, creating situations that help nurture belonging. It's not about putting yourself in someone else's shoes - but asking how they feel and really listening. There are a lot of good suggestions in the book on how to help with small gestures or thoughtful comments that will ensure people feel included. Cohen emphasizes "situation crafting" - making sure the message and time are right, and are sincere, to aid in making people feel included.

Oh yeah, and limited social media - surprise, surprise - which can spread misinformation and make people feel worse.

He also addresses some of the standardized tests - like Myers-Briggs- and how bad they can be at predicting how people may respond, and how they lead to reinforcing stereotypes and some less-than-desired behaviors.

There's quite a bit about education, about race, and DEI - more than I can accurately describe in a review but again well worth reading if you're in education or HR fields.

It's important to understand how we make misjudgments when we feel stressed, insecure or threatened - and how many of those come from our state of mind, not the other person. And, much of this, we can be oblivious to the things that our own brains are doing when they come to these sorts of conclusions.

We need more ways to engage authentically with others, to connect through empathy and vulnerability, to realize the impact our own thoughts may contribute to interaction and shape it in ways that may not be ideal (or even accurate). Things like collective problem-solving, and discussion of values may help improve your team engagement in the workplace. Making sure people understand how what they do contributes to the bigger picture can help.

It's interesting as well how much simple things - like how Doctor's show that they care can make a difference in a patient's ability to recover.

Lots of good points in summation in the end.

Lengthy book to read, but again, especially well worth it if you work with kids or need to improve your team/people performance.

[Scott Pearson · Rating 5 out of 5]

In recent decades, American society has collectively forgotten the virtue of fostering belonging in others. There seem to be many causes contributing to this central effect – political partisanship, technology, police injustices, lingering racism, the capitalistic thrust of media, and more. Cohen, a Stanford psychology professor, takes aim at this rich topic by presenting a comprehensive theory driven by research and then drawing out several practical applications. He does so to help modern social problems as well as to enhance individual effectiveness.

This work gripped me from beginning to end. However, it was not a page-turner to be read cover-to-cover in a handful of days. Rather, I read one chapter per day and lingered on its applications to my life over time. One chapter took me about an hour to read and gave me plenty of nuggets to chew on. Even though research drives Cohen’s understanding, he presents it to be digested by the reading public.

Cohen attempts to teach readers how to “craft situations” whereby others will feel like they belong. He also presents compelling evidence that a sense of belonging has health, social, and bottom-line results. This art of crafting situations requires some thought and nuance, but the book walks readers through how to adjust their thoughts towards this aim. Front-page topics like race, gender and social media are explored throughout. The conclusion even delineates several small adages to use with less scholarly audiences.

This book is for anyone who has trouble interacting with people who are different than themselves. So that includes just about everyone. And this book is written with everyone in mind. Though filled with academic research, it attempts to address the general public. Personal anecdotes stand side-by-side with descriptions of studies. Of course, in an America where people are growing increasingly suspicious of even their neighbors, this book is timely. I, for one, look forward to applying its insights with my co-workers, friends, and neighbors.

[Courtney Mccarthy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book surprised me. I got it on a Goodreads Giveaway in hopes of reading more psychology books and it was that but also very philosophical. Belonging made me realize why I love going to Taylor Swift concerts or going to School Psychology conferences. Those are my people, those people make me feel seen. The author also talks about the political divide we currently are in right now. How the fundamental attribution error can overly simplify our understanding of others. For example, you committed a crime so you must lack character. We should realize how little we understand other peoples circumstances. For example, I think if people realized there are more factors in a person’s life then just being “lazy” on why they may be lower SES. I think it all goes back to empathy and there’s not a lot of empathy in a patriarchal society. I really do believe that if people had more experiences with people that weren’t like them, there would be more peace in the world. It also talks about belonging on a college campus and how they aren’t always welcoming to minority students. It talks about research on how white college students may not have the same feeling of belonging that minority students do because in the past minority students weren’t welcome. This also includes women. For example, I remember reading that at one time Harvard lecture halls didn’t even have a ladies bathroom. This book really focuses on how important social policy and systematic change are to addressing the crisis of belonging.

“His views had changed not because of those arguments, though, but because he had come to identify with a group whose members he cared about and that advocated, and lived by norms of tolerance. He was also affirmed by those in the group, which, as we’ll see, is a current list for opening peoples minds” pg 305

“If we want to build bridges across partisan divides, we must find ways to alleviate the sense of threat to people sense of belonging that’s triggered by considering opposing views” pg 305