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Don’t Feed the Elephants!: Overcoming the Art of Avoidance to Build Powerful Partnerships
You see the giant footprints the moment you walk through the door. The conference room is a swirling mess of tension, heaviness, anxiety, and peanut shells. Something is very wrong with your team. Everybody knows it, but nobody is talking about it.
It's obvious there's an elephant in the room. Is it an Avoidephant, feeding off the fears of retaliation and exclusion? Perhaps it's a Blamephant—whom we love to feed because it makes us feel better about ourselves. Or is it one of the other five types of elephants?
No matter what type you're dealing with, executive coach Sarah Noll Wilson knows your elephant is not there by accident. It was created, and someone has been feeding it. Is it you?
In Don't Feed the Elephants!, Sarah explores how you can address the true elephant in the room: avoidance. She shares tips for having conversations you may be avoiding, invites you to get curious instead of furious, and shows how to own your role rather than passing blame. You'll come away with a shared language to free the elephants you see—and the confidence to do so.
It's obvious there's an elephant in the room. Is it an Avoidephant, feeding off the fears of retaliation and exclusion? Perhaps it's a Blamephant—whom we love to feed because it makes us feel better about ourselves. Or is it one of the other five types of elephants?
No matter what type you're dealing with, executive coach Sarah Noll Wilson knows your elephant is not there by accident. It was created, and someone has been feeding it. Is it you?
In Don't Feed the Elephants!, Sarah explores how you can address the true elephant in the room: avoidance. She shares tips for having conversations you may be avoiding, invites you to get curious instead of furious, and shows how to own your role rather than passing blame. You'll come away with a shared language to free the elephants you see—and the confidence to do so.
255 pages, Kindle Edition
Published February 1, 2022
50 people are currently reading
739 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
July 17, 2022
Don’t Feed the Elephants by Sarah Noll Wilson outlines her experience in facilitating workshops with team members who couldn’t address their problems openly and honestly. Some of the individuals she tried to help would dismiss or diminish their concerns, so the author sought to bring the problems in the workplace to the surface while encouraging the team members to take a better look at their actions and reactions when there was a problem.
It may seem that the objective of Don’t Feed the Elephants is to attack the people who tend to circulate negativity, but it’s really for people who want to learn to quiet the voices in their mind that keep them from doing their best. As Sarah Noll Wilson goes over each possible scenario, she provides examples from her real-world experience that are applicable in similar situations. The author names the different types of “elephants” and explains that we have all feed an elephant at one point or another, whether we deliberately gave into their behavior or encouraged it by inaction. Noll Wilson sought to give the teams in her workshops and her readers a sustainable way to see a problem and address it by relating their concerns in a safe environment. As I read the book, I applied the knowledge to the problems I’d avoided resolving in my life and resolved to use Noll Wilson’s strategies for improving my relationships and altering my reactions to difficulties in the future. I recommend the book to employers and employees who are interested in learning more about addressing hardships in the workplace and in their lives.
It may seem that the objective of Don’t Feed the Elephants is to attack the people who tend to circulate negativity, but it’s really for people who want to learn to quiet the voices in their mind that keep them from doing their best. As Sarah Noll Wilson goes over each possible scenario, she provides examples from her real-world experience that are applicable in similar situations. The author names the different types of “elephants” and explains that we have all feed an elephant at one point or another, whether we deliberately gave into their behavior or encouraged it by inaction. Noll Wilson sought to give the teams in her workshops and her readers a sustainable way to see a problem and address it by relating their concerns in a safe environment. As I read the book, I applied the knowledge to the problems I’d avoided resolving in my life and resolved to use Noll Wilson’s strategies for improving my relationships and altering my reactions to difficulties in the future. I recommend the book to employers and employees who are interested in learning more about addressing hardships in the workplace and in their lives.
March 14, 2022
There is so much to love about this book and I think my favorite thing is that Sarah Noll Wilson is able to take a very tough subject - our fears and vulnerability around having hard conversations in the workplace and life in general - and somehow bring joy to it through playful language and creative storytelling of her own experiences. Very few books of this genre are such a pleasure to read!
Two of my top favorite passages:
1. "People don't fear change, they fear loss."
2. "Seeking to understand someone's values is a hard practice, especially when you are in disagreement, you feel like someone is creating a barrier, or you feel attacked. Remember that seeking to understand is not is not about validating or invalidating your values. You're not out to prove someone wrong. It's just about coming to an understanding of what makes sense to the other person. It's being non-judgmental. It's being curious."
If you want ideas on how to improve your relationships with everyone from coworkers to neighbors, I highly recommend this book!
Two of my top favorite passages:
1. "People don't fear change, they fear loss."
2. "Seeking to understand someone's values is a hard practice, especially when you are in disagreement, you feel like someone is creating a barrier, or you feel attacked. Remember that seeking to understand is not is not about validating or invalidating your values. You're not out to prove someone wrong. It's just about coming to an understanding of what makes sense to the other person. It's being non-judgmental. It's being curious."
If you want ideas on how to improve your relationships with everyone from coworkers to neighbors, I highly recommend this book!
September 5, 2022
I personally struggle with avoidance. When I’m in an uncomfortable situation I’m usually the one to make peace or avoid altogether. I love how the author discussed the importance of speaking up, engaging with people, and how to defeat the elephant in the room.
August 21, 2022
Don’t Feed the Elephants! by Sarah Noll Wilson is a handbook for personal and professional life. With an appealing cover and text embellished with relevant drawings, the content of the book is engrossing. Building on the proverbial elephant in the room, Wilson, a leadership coach with a doctorate in Adaptive Leadership, builds a narrative around common behavioral issues that create barriers at work and home. Feigning ignorance, harboring avoidance, seething in silence, or telling problems to people other than those who can resolve them, are some hallmarks of “feeding peanuts” to the elephant in the room.
Sarah Wilson writes on the subject from a place of knowledge and experience. By sharing her life scenarios and professional case studies, she expounds on concepts of vulnerability, courage, mindfulness, powerful conversations, and even curiosity. The subject will resonate with many, including those who walk out of meeting rooms knowing too well, “If there is more truth in the hallways than in meetings, you have a problem.”
The book has nuggets needed for good leadership and relationship management, including references from other writers. As Wilson observes, “... a productive relationship is one where all parties can disagree openly, effectively, and respectfully.” After establishing the book’s premise, including explaining the science behind a triggered Amygdala, Wilson names the elephants that we nourish at the expense of our mental peace and spiritual growth. She provides cheat sheets to not only identify each but also how to tackle them out of your life.
The questions toolkit is handy, and one can create their own each time they face an elephant. The book has relevance for leaders with information on unconscious bias, feedback, intentions, team dynamics, and conflicts. Wilson explains the significance of learning to identify and stop feeding the elephants in corporate setups. She also advises how to introduce the concept of elephants to a team.
Elephants belong in the vast expanse, not the shallow confines of insecure minds. Use Sarah Wilson’s book to set them free and set yourself free from mind games and self-manipulations. I relished this book and will refer to it often. The anecdotes were enlightening and relatable. The writing is crisp, and the book is well-organized. This truly enjoyable and informative book deserves to be on your bookshelf.
Sarah Wilson writes on the subject from a place of knowledge and experience. By sharing her life scenarios and professional case studies, she expounds on concepts of vulnerability, courage, mindfulness, powerful conversations, and even curiosity. The subject will resonate with many, including those who walk out of meeting rooms knowing too well, “If there is more truth in the hallways than in meetings, you have a problem.”
The book has nuggets needed for good leadership and relationship management, including references from other writers. As Wilson observes, “... a productive relationship is one where all parties can disagree openly, effectively, and respectfully.” After establishing the book’s premise, including explaining the science behind a triggered Amygdala, Wilson names the elephants that we nourish at the expense of our mental peace and spiritual growth. She provides cheat sheets to not only identify each but also how to tackle them out of your life.
The questions toolkit is handy, and one can create their own each time they face an elephant. The book has relevance for leaders with information on unconscious bias, feedback, intentions, team dynamics, and conflicts. Wilson explains the significance of learning to identify and stop feeding the elephants in corporate setups. She also advises how to introduce the concept of elephants to a team.
Elephants belong in the vast expanse, not the shallow confines of insecure minds. Use Sarah Wilson’s book to set them free and set yourself free from mind games and self-manipulations. I relished this book and will refer to it often. The anecdotes were enlightening and relatable. The writing is crisp, and the book is well-organized. This truly enjoyable and informative book deserves to be on your bookshelf.
Read
October 20, 2022𝘿𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙁𝙚𝙚𝙙 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙀𝙡𝙚𝙥𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙨 by 𝙎𝙖𝙧𝙖𝙝 𝙉𝙤𝙡𝙡 𝙒𝙞𝙡𝙨𝙤𝙣
🐘 Elephants - One of the biggest species on land, known for their magnanimous size and hard to tackle attitude. There exists other 'phants' too
🐘Most of us live in a world filled with judgment. We learn to judge others and ourselves, before we learn how to identify what's right or wrong. All those emotions and feelings that we tend to suppress, give birth to various other ones.
🐘All the insecurities, lack of confidence, overthinking, and whatever you feel makes you uncomfortable socially is gourmet. For who !? It's for your not so friendly 🐘 friend here, the "phant". The more you feed him the less you'll feel uncomfortable, but it's a delusion right. Shutting your eyes on a problem won't make it go away, facing it and resolving will.
🐘Sarah here in this book discusses about what are they, how are these "phants" identified and how to roll over them, as elephants are the strongest know, but as long as you feed them.
📌She has presented the real time simulations that a person faces when tackling these, the raw experiences that a majority of people would try to hide moments of shame and fear panic attacks and self doubts and all those things that makes a person.
📌Not only this she has illustrated the ways to overcome it and stop being an elephant feeder. The whole book is written in a very humorous narration which makes it fun to read and easy to understand. There are certain illustrations that are relatable to the exact situations.
📌We all have our 'phants', that we use to feed and will be but the important thing is to remember that the choice is our hand whether we want to continue further or not. If you're in any way a feeder like mentioned above & choose not to then this might be a good choice for you.
🐘 Elephants - One of the biggest species on land, known for their magnanimous size and hard to tackle attitude. There exists other 'phants' too
🐘Most of us live in a world filled with judgment. We learn to judge others and ourselves, before we learn how to identify what's right or wrong. All those emotions and feelings that we tend to suppress, give birth to various other ones.
🐘All the insecurities, lack of confidence, overthinking, and whatever you feel makes you uncomfortable socially is gourmet. For who !? It's for your not so friendly 🐘 friend here, the "phant". The more you feed him the less you'll feel uncomfortable, but it's a delusion right. Shutting your eyes on a problem won't make it go away, facing it and resolving will.
🐘Sarah here in this book discusses about what are they, how are these "phants" identified and how to roll over them, as elephants are the strongest know, but as long as you feed them.
📌She has presented the real time simulations that a person faces when tackling these, the raw experiences that a majority of people would try to hide moments of shame and fear panic attacks and self doubts and all those things that makes a person.
📌Not only this she has illustrated the ways to overcome it and stop being an elephant feeder. The whole book is written in a very humorous narration which makes it fun to read and easy to understand. There are certain illustrations that are relatable to the exact situations.
📌We all have our 'phants', that we use to feed and will be but the important thing is to remember that the choice is our hand whether we want to continue further or not. If you're in any way a feeder like mentioned above & choose not to then this might be a good choice for you.
August 8, 2022
How to conquer your fears and speak the truth.
Conversations are difficult when we fear we stand to lose something. Let me explain.
Author Sarah Noll Wilson explores how to address the true "elephant in the room", avoidance.
Through this book, you receive help understanding what the elephant in the room is and how it affects your relationships.
Also how applying curiosity and having conversations that matter can solve the problem to removing that "elephant" out of your workplace and building trust.
The book is split into 3 sections:
- Pachyderms on Parade
- Three Steps to Freeing the Elephant
- Stomping Onward
In this book you will leave with a shared language to help "free the elephants you see" and in the process, gain the confidence to do so.
At times, I did feel the book got repetitive and dragged out but overall was still an enjoyable read.
Side note, I love how this book was designed from cover to cover. I read that Wilson, "designed the layout to be easier for neurodiverse brains which makes it easier for neurotypical brains as well."
Thank you Sarah for sending me a copy of your book!
Conversations are difficult when we fear we stand to lose something. Let me explain.
Author Sarah Noll Wilson explores how to address the true "elephant in the room", avoidance.
Through this book, you receive help understanding what the elephant in the room is and how it affects your relationships.
Also how applying curiosity and having conversations that matter can solve the problem to removing that "elephant" out of your workplace and building trust.
The book is split into 3 sections:
- Pachyderms on Parade
- Three Steps to Freeing the Elephant
- Stomping Onward
In this book you will leave with a shared language to help "free the elephants you see" and in the process, gain the confidence to do so.
At times, I did feel the book got repetitive and dragged out but overall was still an enjoyable read.
Side note, I love how this book was designed from cover to cover. I read that Wilson, "designed the layout to be easier for neurodiverse brains which makes it easier for neurotypical brains as well."
Thank you Sarah for sending me a copy of your book!
March 26, 2022
This book is so good in so many different layered ways. It not only addresses the administration of an organization but also how employees can be better employees through communication and transparency. Often times we want to blame our bosses for things that are going on at work, but it takes two to tango. This book is great at laying out the different ways we can communicate and be effective in recognizing different hurdles in the workplace. I just finished reading it and plan on going through and underlining several passages that were beneficial to me. So many times I found myself taking pictures of paragraphs or relatable stories and sending them to coworkers.
May 5, 2022
"Don't Feed the Elephants" taught me a lot about myself, and how I can improve in the workplace. Some conversations are difficult, and I have such an anxiety leading up to them, afraid that what I was planning to say would sound dumb, or the need to have a response in every situation . The passages in this book gave me techniques that I can apply and become a better manager. As I read the book I would try the advise while at work the next day... techniques that decreased my stress level. Thank you for such a well thought out book on a topic that many people face.
November 28, 2022
[redacted}
I literally dropped my spaghetti and sobbed in the street.
Like this shit is a HUGE step to changing the systems that broke me, and it’s delivered in such a … ‘safe’ way. Like, you don’t feel personally attacked.
And it’s fast. She doesn’t fuck about. It’s like… fact, reason, antidote. Done NEXT.
And fun. It’s… got a dr Suess cover/vibe… and it follows through on that shit.
No - it does not rhyme- it’s the vibe, but without rhyming.. somehow
ANYWAY
I recommend
I literally dropped my spaghetti and sobbed in the street.
Like this shit is a HUGE step to changing the systems that broke me, and it’s delivered in such a … ‘safe’ way. Like, you don’t feel personally attacked.
And it’s fast. She doesn’t fuck about. It’s like… fact, reason, antidote. Done NEXT.
And fun. It’s… got a dr Suess cover/vibe… and it follows through on that shit.
No - it does not rhyme- it’s the vibe, but without rhyming.. somehow
ANYWAY
I recommend
February 17, 2022
Love this book. An insightful and fun way to really look at why we avoid difficult conversations and how to approach them differently to forge better relationships. Loved how the content of the book could be applied to the boardroom, the workplace, your family and your friends. Highly recommend and can't wait to read her next book.
April 5, 2022
I've had to read quite a few leadership type books through my career and this one is definitely better than most. There were times when it seemed repetitive but also there were some sections that were fantastic and provided a lot of helpful guidance. It was a nice quick read and laid out in a way that will make referring back to it easy.
July 31, 2022
This book is great and easy to understand avoiding conversations and simply the need to have them. The first start is recognizing what elephant you use and having the discussion with yourself. Really great to read with a teaching staff, business meeting, etc Listened in audible with the author's, but so glad I have a paper copy to go back and tab.
May 30, 2022
I thought this book had a bit of a rough start but as I read further, it really got interesting and insightful. This is a great book that any person at any position should be able to glean insights from.
December 8, 2022
A good mix of insightful analysis and practical tips for leaders prone to avoid difficult discussions, as we all are. Explains why we avoid "elephants in the room," how we avoid them, and what we can do to address them productively.
December 24, 2022
Excellent book with great advice on creating positive relationships at work and how to repair relationships as well. The author cites some of my favorite authors in Amy Edmondson, Kim Scott, and Brene Brown.
November 11, 2022
I was fortunate enough to receive this book from Sarah at a conference. She is an energetic speaker and it comes through in this book. It’s a hard subject to address and Sarah did it beautifully.
August 7, 2023
There are some things you just have to talk about - even if they are awkward.
A book study book for my district. Worth the time. I feel like I can use this at work.
A book study book for my district. Worth the time. I feel like I can use this at work.
December 31, 2024
Overly simplistic and the elephant metaphor falls apart.
March 12, 2025
Inspiring to show up better at work and in personal relationships.
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews