Hold On to Your N.U.T.s: The Relationship Manual for Men

by Wayne M. Levine

Being a man is a full-time job, especially when you’re married or in a relationship. Hold On to Your N.U.T.s can help build a life that fulfills both you and your partner by showing you how to confirm the ideas and causes you support—your Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms. Your N.U.T.s become the framework for how you conduct your relationships, whether you’re committed to spending more one-on-one time with your kids or not hiding out at the office to avoid problems with your wife. By laying down guidelines of what’s right and wrong, what you like and dislike, you will learn to silence the little boy inside and become a strong, self-assured man who is focused on creating the best life possible for you, your companion and your family.

Genres: Relationships, Self Help, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Leadership, Personal Growth, Psychology

224 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 2007

Reviews

[Thad · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting viewpoint on how taking care of ourselves, and establishing our core principles--then sticking to them, can make us better able to function in a devoted, healthy relationship.

However, as with all other "self-help" books, the principles are the same, the toppings are just different, and the generalizability of the concepts not terribly... generalizable. The author asserts too many "this will work for you" accompanied by anecdotes; he should be on the home shopper's network.

This may work for some people, but I found it a bit confusing (how do you establish your principles that are unalterable? If men never function in a "feminine" manner in their relationships, how is a book read by one man going to suddenly change that?

[Greg · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very good book with practical information that every man should learn. This book, along with David Deida's work and Elliot Katz' book should be required reading for every man as soon as he starts dating!

[Dante · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not what I expected. It was basically, "Be nice to your woman, hold your tongue, etc." The N.U.T. (non-negotiable, unalterable terms) metaphor also ran a little thin.

[Chris · Rating 3 out of 5]

this is basically a guidebook for creating a personal values system and committing to sticking with it. a good read, fwiw

[RosaLinda]

I like the strong make POV. It's a voice often lost in modern culture. Good read. Bought 2 copies.

[Bonyo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical

Practical book for men, I would recommend for guys to take a moment and have a look - well defined and clear themes.

[Peter Keller · Rating 4 out of 5]

My notes:
Very solid book on a man’s responsibility in his relationship. Also a quick 1-2 hour read
The survival of any long-term relationship depends upon both partners’ willingness to commit to the relationship and to supporting each other’s efforts to self-improvement.
BUT note that self improvement is part of building a great relationship.
You must take full responsibility for your relationships. All that matters is your commitment to being the best man you can be.
Men are judged by their actions. Not words.
Rule 1: Create, follow, live N.U.T.s
Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms. Make a list. You don’t need to tell you woman or anyone else your NUTs, but live them.
Rule 2: Follow the Better Men Tools
1. SILENCE THE LITTLE BOY
2. EXPRESS BUT DON’T DEFEND YOUR FEELINGS
3. COOPERATE WITHOUT COMPROMISING YOUR N.U.T.S
4. RUN THE SEX AND ROMANCE DEPARTMENTS
5. BE THE ROCK
6. DON’T ARGUE
7. LISTEN
8. DEVELOP TRUSTING RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN

Rule 3: Join or develop a group of men where you can meet regularly and focus on being better men

Note: lots of great relationship tools in the better men tools chapters as well

[Gabi Gutu · Rating 5 out of 5]

This books offers valuable insights for men seeking to become better men and husbands by teaching them how to set clear boundaries and commitments, which can have a profound impact for those who have not been previously guided in these areas. The book emphasizes the importance of being grounded in one's values, guiding men to lead with integrity in their relationships.

While the information is practical and impactful, it demands a significant amount of self-reflection and ongoing practice to implement effectively. Readers will find the advice helpful, but true change requires consistent effort to build habits that align with these principles.

[Taylor Ellwood · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read book for any man who wants to become a better romantic partner to his wife/partner. The author provides some valuable tools that can help you do your inner work while also showing up for your partner. I began applying these skills in my relationship and noticed an immediate improvement in the relationship and how I showed up. I recommend reading the book and then applying the skills. Make sure you also talk with other men so you can do the work together!

[Ken LaVoie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book basically distills the lessons of the Sterling Men's Weekend (almost word for word) which is really a blessing, given that it's never been available before. The writing is a bit poor, but my God this information is a priceless addition to anyone seeking to be a better husband, father and all-round man.

[John · Rating 3 out of 5]

A how to "establishing our core principles"--then sticking to them, which will carry us through difficulties in relationships.

However, like most "self-help" books; the practical pathways there are vague and general--without specific instruction.

[Xięgozbiór · Rating 4 out of 5]

Książka de facto o budowaniu swojego systemu wartości i trzymaniu się go w relacjach z innymi. Autor nie skupia się na popieraniu wszystkiego milionem badań (zasadniczo - nie opiera się tu na badaniach, tylko na doświadczeniach z grup wsparcia), ale za to brzmi bardzo motywująco.

[Kilioni]

This book may be for men but women, read this! It will show you how stupid we are as men. Interesting book haha

[Michael Moore]

A great tool for realizing generational issues with the way you approach relationships.

[Caleb Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book, highly recommend as an antidote for the epidemic of stereotypically emasculated and disengaged men in relationships.

[Gwen Stanfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

If only my ex-husband would have read it when I bought it for him.
It is a fantastic book.

[Jevgenij · Rating 3 out of 5]

Couple of right thoughts, for example: silence your little boy, take care of sex/romance
Too much community selling. In general, too focused on pleasing the wife, little attention to men's needs.

[David Pulliam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some really good chapters, especially "Silence the Little Boy" and "Don't Argue." I think those two principles have been really helpful for me because of my temptation to argue.

[Simcha York · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wayne Levine's Hold on to Your N.U.T.s is a solid companion to Plante and Girrell's A Married Man's Survival Guide . And like that volume, it is an excellent and wholly practical approach for men looking to improve or even save the long-term relationships that they are in.

The primary focus of this book, and its greatest strength, is the eight tools that will help men hold on to their N.U.T.s (their non-negotiable unalterable terms, essentially those things which are central to who a man is) and thereby maintain a successful long-term relationship. Of primary importance is the book's emphasis on the importance of men having not just men that they can rely on, but establishing trusting relationships with initiated men (men who have usually been through one or more of the various intensive men's weekend programs and who generally have a deep understanding of the discipline and commitment needed to make long-term relationships work). Such relationships, after all, are key to giving men a place to unload the anger, fears, and frustrations which can be relationship killers.

I would highly recommend that any man in a long-term relationship (or any man considering entering into one) read both Hold on to Your N.U.T.s and Plante and Girrell’s A Married Man’s Survival Guide. Both books present information that is essential to men who want the best tools to maintain strong, functional long-term relationships.

[Brandon · Rating 3 out of 5]

It took me a little to warm up to this book. I probably should have done some more research prior to buying it. I didn't know it's a self help book. After completing it I have to say it was well written and is directed towards men and their relationships. There are some fine tools to take away from this read.

[Mike Lyons · Rating 5 out of 5]

Straightforward quick read that does not pull punches. Practical advice. No psychobabble. Highly recommended.

[Pete Sherry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of these principles were really great, and the idea of finding and not compromisig one's NUTs is really helpful, not just in difficult relationships, but in healthy ones too.

[Jonathan Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really good book! very insightful and easy to read.