Covid Claus is Coming to Town

Kissing the Coronavirus #4

by M.J. Edwards

All Dr Holly Mistletoe wants for Christmas is an orgasm. Is that too much to ask?

Unfortunately, her important zoology work is getting in the way, and despite her numerous attempts for sexual gratification (with people) she has resided herself to seeing in the new year with a dry vagina.

Until...

Early on Christmas morning, there's a clatter and a chatter from downstairs. When Dr Mistletoe ventures to investigate, she's shocked to find Santa sat in her living room. But something's not quite right...

After travelling around the world, Santa has been exposed to every Coronavirus variant there is. And when a deadly disease comes into contact with a powerful magical force, maybe Dr Mistletoe will get her Christmas wish after all...

Covid Claus is Coming to Town is a spin off to the audience-delighting Kissing the Coronavirus series.

Genres: Erotica, Christmas, Romance, Spicy, Science Fiction, Smut, Satire

29 pages, Paperback

First published November 20, 2021

Reviews

[Cait Jacobs (Caitsbooks) · Rating 5 out of 5]

we will never know peace.

The Kissing the Coronavirus series is back with a new installment, Covid Claus is Coming to Town.

If you're familiar with this series, then I think you know what to expect. If you aren't... I envy you.
I recommend leaving now before you learn things you will never be able to forget.

You're still here, aren't you?

Anyways, Covid Claus is Coming to Town follows Dr. Holly Mistletoe, who has had an... unfulfilling... year. That is, until early Christmas morning, when she hears a noise in her house, and finds an unexpected guest.

This book might be more traumatizing than any of M. J. Edward's previous books, which is saying something. To prove my point, here are a few quotes that stuck out to me:

"Dr Holly Mistletoe wanted one thing, and one thing alone this Christmas: a bloody good orgasm. It had been so long since Dr Mistletoe had felt the electrifying effects of a clit-ticklingly enjoyable cumming session."

This is how the book starts

"She’d spent the day doing important zoology tasks, like stroking the zebras, laughing at the penguins (they look so fucking stupid lol)..."

Not the penguin slander-
(at least we got another woman in STEM protagonist, thank you M. J. Edwards)

"No, it was the animals she spent most of her alone time with. And it wasn’t like she could do anything sexual with them. Not again."

I'm sorry NOT AGAIN???

"A few weeks ago, she’d sucked off the mailman when he put his penis through her letterbox instead of her post."

I don't even know what to say anymore

"Then, Santa made his way down south, and not exactly to the South Pole.
Dr Mistletoe prodded her clitoris with Santa’s bulbous nose."

I think I'm going to cry

"Instead, Dr Mistletoe rammed Santa’s hat so deep inside her she began to whistle to the tune of Jingle Bells."

nevermind now I'm gonna cry

"But alas, she would be left without climax, much like the ending of The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. If Dr Mistletoe had to wait another two years to get a satisfying conclusion, much like with Peter Jackson’s famous fantasy epic based on the books by J.R.R. Tolkein, she would possibly go insane."

I never knew I needed Lord of the Rings commentary in my coronavirus erotica but please tell me more

"Dr Mistletoe pulled her gun, which she always kept close in event of such a night, out from between her heaving flesh pillows."

from between WHAT?

"‘FREEZE, INTRUDER!’ she echoed.
‘Ho ho oh no!’ said the hardened criminal."

i just really liked this line

"‘YES DADDY COVID CLAUS,’"

please kill me

"Dr Mistletoe fumbled for Covid Claus’ cucumber cock,"

every day we stray further from god

"‘Now it’s time for me to show you what’s really inside Santa’s sack,’"

what have i done to deserve this? why is this my life now?

"Covid Claus thrust like he was trying to start a fire inside Dr Mistletoe’s vagina.
It was so hot which was ironic considering it was Christmas, which is generally quite cold unless you’re in Australia which is usually rather hot. Hot like the sex she was having."

Beautiful writing here. Once again proving that this series is a literary masterpiece.

"Covid Claus grappled with Dr Mistletoe’s norks, slapping them about like they were a delicious joint of pre-roasted Christmas ham."

it's not an M. J. Edward's book is there isn't a scarring food metaphor

"And then, with a final, agonisingly deep thrust of his jolly green groin, Santa sneezed his jingle sperm all over her labia while she simultaneously had an orgasm that sent her through time and space itself."

i can't. i need to stop for my own sanity. i'm sorry

this is just the tip of the iceberg, but like always, I need to save some quotes for you to discover on your own.

Now if you're a true M. J. Edward's fan, you'll know that just as important as the books are the author's notes. and we get an update in this one! M. J. got her ferrets a Christmas present, and she's in a happy relationship. I'm happy for her

[Phuong ✯ · Rating 1 out of 5]

M.J. Edwards saving the world one book at a time 🙏

It's the year 2159 and I still hear Dr Mistletoe screaming "YES DADDY COVID CLAUS" into my ear.

[Jamie · Rating 2 out of 5]

***Warning: NSFW review ahead***

Seriously, I've warned you. Don't delete me from your friends list in a huff if you get called into HR on Monday morning.

Well, here it is, you guys … the very last Kissing the Coronavirus book. I mean, I guess technically there's one more, but it's not free on Kindle Unlimited (and my free trial is ending today anyway) so it's the end of the line as far as I'm concerned because I cannot quite bring myself to pay for a book called Coronavirus vs. Monkeypox: A Sexual Showdown even if it is only 99¢.

But, anyhoo, Covid Claus is Coming to Town is a riveting and timeless story of Dr. Holly Mistletoe's quest to have an orgasm. But if you're worried about it just being full of raunchy sex and Covid Claus dong, no worries – it is also very scientific and full of cute animals and Christmas cheer.

First of all, Dr. Mistletoe has an exciting career as a zoologist and fills her days with important zoology tasks, “like stroking the zebras [and] laughing at the penguins [because] they look so fucking stupid lol.” And she treats the animals very well, because “it wasn't like she could do anything sexual with them. Not again.”

She's also very nice to her fellow humans, like when she “thrummed the battered sausage (the name he gave to his penis) of Chippy Stu, the man who worked at the local fish and chip shop.” And all for nothing in return except a “free bag of chips and, ironically, a battered sausage.” I mean, not that a free bag of chips is a terrible reciprocal gift, because Dr. Holly is British which means her “chips” are french fries (probably with malt vinegar) and not a nasty bag of Sour Cream and Onion Lays.

There's also a heartwarming scene of Dr. Mistletoe trimming her Christmas tree (not a euphemism) where her Santa tree topper makes “his way down south, and not exactly to the South Pole” (definitely a euphemism). She even leaves a “carrot for Rudolph, which she knew he'd like because of her background in zoology.” But not in her “South Pole,” that'd just be weird. On a plate like a normal person.

And then, when Santa falls victim to COVID while in her living room munching on a cookie (not a euphemism), she does her best to make him feel better about his situation. Of course, it doesn't hurt that he has a “glorious” penis, and eventually Dr. Holly gets her own Christmas gift when Covid Claus shows her “what's really inside Santa's sack” (definitely a euphemism). For those of you who don't like to be surprised: inside of Santa's sack is a "cucumber cock".

So, yeah, Covid Claus is Coming to Town is a heartwarming and jolly Christmas tale about helping others and being kind to animals and getting filled with “jingle sperm” by a green, muscular Santa Claus. M.J. Edwards is truly the greatest novelist of our time.

My overall rating: one star for the plot line and one star for the phrase “like a horse licking peanut butter off wet jelly.”

[Matteo Fumagalli · Rating 1 out of 5]

Videorecensione: https://youtu.be/Ya6HRVSacI0

[human]

i'm crying 💀💀💀

mj edwards really said let's get into that holiday spirit, huh < / 3

[elea ☆ · Rating 1 out of 5]

i'll give it to her, this is THE worst book i have ever read 🎉

[Peter Topside · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think that I finally realize how women feel when their partner climaxes before they do. Like the wind is just taken out of your sails. Mood is dead. And that’s how this made me feel. Our lead, Dr Mistletoe, had her Christmas miracle (An orgasm by Covid Claus) in the blink of an eye. With all that lead up, I wanted her body to explode into icicles and for the reindeer to gag at how sopping wet Santa was when he got back in the sleigh from his love session. Like I wanted a drawn out, long-winded slam session with the emphasis on several life-altering orgasms. Is that so hard to ask? But it all happened extraordinarily quick. I dunno. I wanted more. Maybe I’m just needy. Maybe it’s me who’s pent up. I need a cigarette and a butter cookie. I’m emotionally spent. …sex.

[Marc *Dark Reader with a Thousand Young! Iä!* · Rating 5 out of 5]

‘Ho...ho...ugh…’

So says "Christmas’ sexiest anti-hero" (Santa. She means Santa) in this timely holiday tale from the world-famous author of Kissing the Coronavirus and The Perfect Poo: A Fiery Fecal Romance. If these next three words don't get you into the Christmas spirit, I don't know what will:

his jingle sperm

This is the point at which all Booktube reaction videos get demonetized. If you're still with me, let's take a deeper look at this satisfying soon-to-be holiday classic.

It was Christmas Eve and Dr Mistletoe was only just getting round to putting up her Christmas decorations, on account of her being super busy at her job at the zoo as a Zoologist. She’d spent the day doing important zoology tasks, like stroking the zebras, laughing at the penguins (they look so fucking stupid lol)

Holly Mistletoe wants only one thing for Christmas: an orgasm. Although the world is gradually learning to live with covid, the ongoing restrictions have prevented her from finding the satisfaction she deeply desires.

No, it was the animals she spent most of her alone time with. And it wasn’t like she could do anything sexual with them. Not again.

It's not that she's not attractive. Her breasts in particular, referred to in a single paragraph as "boobies", "titties", "chest plumps", "jubillies", "knockers", and "Bristols", seem barely attached to her chest wall and prone to wobbling at the slightest provocation.

Dr Mistletoe shook her head, jiggling her boobies.
[. . .]
her beating heart making her tits thrash all over the place.
[. . .]
stood and tiptoed over to her bedroom door, her mammoth tits only bouncing ever so slightly this time.

Is this something that the big red guy can work with? Will he pop down the chimney and then up her chimney to make her Christmas dreams come true? Is being on the naughty list a detriment or a boon in this scenario?

Look, it's not all just lewd boob activity and sex. It's also highly recognizable pop culture references.

But alas, she would be left without climax, much like the ending of The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. If Dr Mistletoe had to wait another two years to get a satisfying conclusion, much like with Peter Jackson’s famous fantasy epic based on the books by J.R.R. Tolkein, she would possibly go insane.

And,

his voice deeper than that big BWAH sound from the Inception trailer.

No prior experience with the author's coronavirus-themed erotic romps is required to enjoy this. It is somewhat lighter on bizarre metaphors than her prior works, practically tame by her usual outrageous standards until you get to the climactic sex scene (see what I did there?) that caps off this short erotic (?) tale.

With that, I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and to all a good...

his penis. Oh, his penis.

*********************
(Pre-reading review:)
YAAAAASSSS I WANT THIS. I would also have accepted “A Perfect Poo Christmas”.

[♠ TABI⁷ ♠ · Rating 1 out of 5]

"I am," he said, then paused dramatically, "Covid Claus."
"Oh my," said Dr. Mistletoe.'



I actually read this and, yes, it was absolutely worth it but also the absolute worst thing I've ever read. God bless my braincells and the strain they put up with by existing as a part of me.

[kaleigh jade]

sometimes i wish i had never learned how to read

[Emma · Rating 1 out of 5]

A literary masterpiece 😀

[Ana]

i literally don’t know what to rate this i can’t even tell if this is a real book or not because how was there an entire paragraph equating sex to the lord of the rings and why does mj hate the movie so much? do i want to know the answer to this question? did this book even happen or did i imagine it?

[Sara]

Needy as earth thirsty to rain
dry at cliff of cry
my earth make wish
flood flood flood
kisses sun
pleasure far wind
drink playful wink
my mind have covid
wish dump
crazy eve
gift used
wild flawer

[Kristen · Rating 1 out of 5]

Dr Holly Mistloe wanted one thing, and one thing alone this Christmas: a bloody good orgasm.

With an opener like that, one can only assume we're in for a treat. It's undeniably a strong start. We're introduced to Dr Holly Mistletoe, Zoologist extraordinaire, who spends her day laughing at penguins and stroking zebras. Reasonable tasks for a Zoologist, right?

No, it was the animals she spent most of her alone time with. And it wasn't like she could do anything sexual with them. Not again.

Dr Misletoe should probably be fired, and quite definitely jailed.
Nevertheless, I persevered, and did it pay off? Well, I have numerous new euphemisms for the human anatomy so I would have to go with yes.

two stupendous jubbilies

heaving flesh pillows

canyon of wonders

cucumber cock

vaginal vestibule

Okay, I'll admit those last two weren't exactly euphemisms, but I couldn't risk anyone missing out on experiencing them. You're welcome.

Quotes aside, this short story truly has it all. Dr Mistletoe hides a gun between her tits, and seemingly sleeps with it there nightly; she's a woman of mystery and action. Our heroine also uses a Santa tree topper as a dildo; who would've expected such stellar foreshadowing in this little story, I know I didn't! Santa Claus is vaccinated, in fact he was the first in the world to get his booster; who doesn't love a man that respects science?

If you weren't already attracted to Santa Covid Claus, perhaps a description of what he tastes like, I know that's what we've all been wondering.

she could taste every single bite of the milk and cookies he'd eaten that night. She made slopping noises, like a horse licking peanut butter off wet jelly

If that didn't mentally scar you, then you're a tough cookie... just, hopefully not the type that Santa tastes like.

I'll close out this review with one last quote, which if you're not already sold by now I think this will do the trick:

crammed into her open vagina hole like a train entering the Channel Tunnel

For those unaware, the aforementioned tunnel is a railway tunnel that connects England to France. Bet you didn't think you could also get a little geography lesson, huh? Well, as already touched on, this book really does have it all.

[Alex | | findingmontauk1 · Rating 1 out of 5]

Tis the damn season! And by that I mean that it's time for a review of COVID CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN! Honestly, I wish I was creative enough to make this up, but I will settle for reviewing it.

Our story is centered around Dr Holly Mistletoe (the name reveal is literally how the story opens so you know from the first sentence where this is all going) and her grown up Christmas list. She is a super busy zoologist where she spends her days doing super busy zoology tasks like petting zebras, laughing at penguins, and feeding cheetahs. Compound her busy zoo life with covid and, well, she's dryer than the Sahara and just wants "a bloody good orgasm." Well, ho ho ho, Dr Mistletoe. For your sake, I hope you HAVE been naughty.

Turns out she is about to be naughty as she takes her Santa tree topper down to her... South Pole. Things get slippery and messy. And she is still just not happy as she's... presents deep. Alas, no holiday climax for her. So she's sad again and then talks about her busy zoology life more and comparing her own self-satisfaction with how long she had to wait in between Lord of the Rings movies. She reflects on a time where she had sex with the whole of the Manchester United team and gets pouty, yet again.

But then we meet Santa! His cheeks are a brighter shade of red than "the time her bum cheeks had been smashed by the open palm of Big-Hand John." Well, I've never met Johnny boy over here so that comparison means diddily to me!

But Santa has just been around the world... and even with his double dose of the vaccine and booster, he was just exposed to every single variant and strain of Coronavirus around the world in a matter of hours. He is not feeling well. He begins to change. And he changes into....DADDY COVID CLAUS. He is ripped. He is gorgeous. And he gives her and orgasm that sends her through time and space.

And it just ends. Daddy Covid Claus is a bit of a prick if you ask me. But she can tell Amy Grant she got her only lifelong wish from her grownup Christmas list.

1 star - but it's for her being a zoologist and nothing else.

[Lynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

MJ back to her most fun and ridiculous self. Loved it!

HO HO HO!

[lön liest · Rating 4 out of 5]

reading covid christmas smut in august <3

[ameya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Worse satire than my high school magazine published.

[Mia · Rating 2 out of 5]

disclaimer i received this book as a gift (do not ask about it), so this review is dedicated to Ellie. This book was an experience, do i want to experience it agian? absolutely not. it got an extra star just for Ellie’s amazing annotations. would recommend if you feel like being slightly traumatised.

[Ellie · Rating 1 out of 5]

For a gag gift, this was one of three books I found under self published and Christmas tabs on Goodreads. As a gag gift, 5⭐️ truly a piece of art.
For my eyes, a 1⭐️. My poor, poor eyes.
What a slay for bestie Mia to read.

[Luba · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am officially a M. J. Edwards stan now

[Anna]

scarred for life

[lobelyys · Rating 4 out of 5]

lmao if people read this with a serious mind then they’re fucking dumb, cause if people read this wanting some serious literature and then give a 1 star because “it can’t be real”, damn how are they still alive in this world?

i honestly enjoyed this read, i couldn’t stop laughing lol. i wished i waited xmas for this but i needed some unserious short read and this really helped me

[Alexis The Nerdy Bruja · Rating 1 out of 5]

Thanks Mel, Gavin and Olivia. I will never recover from this 😂😂😂😂

[Tegan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I mean it's not a Masterpiece of literature but MJ keeps me laughing all year long

[layla]

terrivelmente marcante, “‘Now it’s time for me to show you what’s really inside Santa’s sack,’ said Covid Claus.” nunca vai sair da minha cabeça.

[Kath Antezana · Rating 1 out of 5]

Tan malo e innecesario que da risa.

[priya♡ · Rating 1 out of 5]

i have no words bro. NONE.

[Johan · Rating 1 out of 5]

Entertainingly shit!
But its good for my writing, when I feel down about my own stuff, it isnt as bad as this. 😁

[Jamey [Longhollow.Lore] · Rating 1 out of 5]

A Covid Christmas wish came true, how sweet.