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160 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1969
‘Ulisses, remember how you once asked me why I voluntarily kept away from people? Now I can tell you. It’s because I don’t want to be platonic in relation to myself. I’m profoundly defeated by the world I live in. I separated myself just for a while because of my defeat and because I felt that other people were defeated too. So I closed myself up in an individualization that if I hadn’t been careful could have been transformed into a hysterical or contemplative solitude.’
‘Through the drunkenness of the jasmine, for a moment a revelation came to her in the form of a feeling–and in the next instant she’d forgotten what she’d learned from the revelation’
‘We haven't surrendered to ourselves, because that would be the start of a long life and were afraid of that. We’ve avoided falling to our knees in front of the first one of us who says, out of love: you're afraid….We haven't used the word love so as not to have to recognize its contexture of hate, love, jealousy and so many other contradictions…We've disguised our indifference with false love, knowing that our indifference is disguised anguish. We've disguised with a small fear the greatest fear of all and that's why we never speak of what really matters.’
‘[O]ne of the things I've learned is that we ought to live despite. Despite, we should eat. Despite, we should love. Despite, we should die. It's even often this despite that spurs us on. The despite was what gave me an anguish that when unsatisfied was the creator of my own life. It was despite that I stopped on the street and stood looking at you while you were waiting for a taxi. And immediately desiring you…’
‘We erred by humanizing him. We humanized Him because we didn’t understand Him, so it didn’t work. I’m sure He isn’t human. But though not human, nonetheless He still sometimes makes us divine.’
pretends she’s alive and not dying since in the end living was no more than getting ever closer to death… pretends that everything she has isn’t pretend… pretends she isn’t crying inside…
There was the sea, the most unintelligible of nonhuman existences. And there was the woman, standing, the most unintelligible of living beings. She and the sea.
‘But she didn’t fear the moon because she was more lunar than solar and could see with wide-open eyes in the dark dawns—So she bathed all over in the lunar rays, as there are others who sunbathed—As if a herd of transparent gazelles were passing through the air of the world at dusk—scent of—elephants—sugary jasmine—carnations living off rain—rain that comes from Malaysia?’
‘—he seemed serious though he was speaking calmly, “Lóri, one of the things I’ve learned is that we ought to live despite. Despite, we should eat. Despite, we should love. Despite, we should die. It’s even often this despite that spurs us on. The despite was what gave me an anguish that when unsatisfied was the creator of my own life. It was despite that I stopped on the street and stood looking at you while you were waiting for a taxi. And immediately desiring you, that body of yours that isn’t even pretty, but it’s the body I want. But I want it all, including the soul. That’s why it doesn’t matter that you’re not coming, I’ll wait as long as I have to.”’
‘After that she’d reached the conclusion that she didn’t have a day-to-day but a life-to-life. And that life that was hers in the dawns was supernatural with its countless moons bathing her in such a terrible silver liquid. More than anything she’d now learned to approach things without linking them to their function. It now seemed she could see how things and people would be before we gave them the meaning of our human hope or our pain. If there were no humans on earth, it would be like this: it would rain, things would get drenched, alone, and would dry and then burn drily under the sun and get toasted in the dust.’
‘She was scared of the rain when she separated it from the city—It would be profoundly amoral not to wait for death as all others wait for that final hour. It would have been sneaky of her to leap ahead in time, and unforgivable to be cleverer than others. For that reason, despite her intense curiosity about death, Lóri was waiting. Morning broke.’
‘Night is so vast in the mountains. So uninhabited. The Spanish night has the scent and the hard echo of the tap dance, the Italian night has the warm sea even in its absence. But the night of Bern has the silence—Mountains so high that despair becomes bashful. The ears prick, the head bends, the whole body listens: not a sound. No possible rooster. How to be within reach of that profound meditation of silence? Of this silence without memory of words. If thou art death, how to bless thee? It’s a silence—that doesn’t sleep: it’s insomniac: immobile but insomniac and without ghosts—It’s empty and without promise. Like me—If at least there were wind. Wind is rage, rage is life.’
‘You can’t speak of silence the way you speak of snow. Silence is the profound secret night of the world. And you can’t speak of silence the way you speak of snow: have you felt the silence of those nights? No one who has heard tells—And the heart quickens in recognition: for it is the silence inside us—think of the day that passed—the friends that passed—But it’s no use to try to avoid it: the silence is there. Even the worst suffering—is just an attempt to escape. For if at first the silence seems to expect a reply—what an urge—soon you discover that it demands nothing of you, perhaps only your silence.’
‘Living on the edge of death and of the stars is a tenser vibration than the veins can stand—The heart must present itself alone to the Nothing and alone beat out in silence its palpitations in the shadows. You only sense your own heart in your ears. When it presents itself completely naked, it’s not even communication, it’s submission. For we were only made for the little silence, not for the silence of the stars. And if you don’t dare, don’t enter. Wait out the rest of the darkness before the silence, only your feet wet from the surf of something that spreads out inside us. Wait. One insoluble in the other. One beside the other, two things that do not see one another in the darkness. Wait. Not for the end of silence but for the blessed help of a third element: the light of dawn.’
‘For when you least expect it you’ll recognise it—suddenly—Because, if she hadn’t expressed the inexpressible silence, she'd have spoken like a monkey who grunts and makes incoherent gestures, transmitting who knows what. Lóri was. What? But she was.’
‘Understanding was always a mistake—she preferred the largesse, so wide and free—It was bad, but at least you knew you were in the full human condition. Yet sometimes she’d guess right. There were cosmic streaks that substituted for understanding.’
‘Ask? How do you ask? And what do you ask for? Do you ask for life? You ask for life. But don’t you already have life? There’s a more real life. What is real? And she didn’t know how to answer. Blindly she would have to ask. But she wanted, if she had to ask blindly, at least to understand what she was asking. She knew she shouldn’t ask for the impossible—When she could fully feel the ‘other’ she’d be safe and think: here is my port of arrival.’
‘Lóri too was wearing the clown’s mask of excessive makeup. The same one that in the birth pains of adolescence you’d choose so as not to be naked for the rest of the struggle. No, it’s not that it would have been wrong to leave your own face exposed to feeling. But because if that face were naked it could, when injured, close into a sudden mask, involuntary and terrible: so it was less dangerous to choose, before that inevitably happened, to choose on your own to be a “persona.” Choosing your own mask was the first voluntary human act. And solitary. But when you finally buckled on the mask of whatever you’d chosen to play yourself and play the world, your body would gain a new firmness, your head could sometimes hold itself high like the head of someone who has overcome an obstacle: the person was—And there was her face naked now, mature, sensitive when it was no longer meant to be. And the face with its singed mask was crying in silence in order not to die.’
‘She entered her house like a fugitive from the world. There was no point in hiding it: the truth was she didn’t know how to live—she looked at herself in the mirror while washing her hands and saw the “persona” buckled to her face. She looked like a dolled-up monkey. Her eyes, under the thick makeup, were tiny and neutral, as if Intelligence had not yet revealed itself in mankind. So she washed her face, and was relieved to have a naked soul again—Before sleep came, she was alert and promised herself never again to take a risk without protection. The sleeping pill had started to calm her down. And the unfathomable night of dreams began, vast, levitating.’
‘—he pulled a crumpled piece of paper—I write poetry not because I’m a poet but to exercise my soul, it’s man’s most profound exercise. In general what comes out is incongruous, and it rarely has a theme: it’s more like research into how to think. This one might have come out with a meaning that’s easier to grasp—She read the poem, didn’t understand anything and gave him back the sheet, in silence.’
‘We, people who write, have in the human word, written or spoken, a great mystery that I don’t want to unmask with my reasoning which is cold. I must not question the mystery in order not to betray the miracle. Whoever writes or paints or teaches or dances or does mathematical calculations, is working miracles every day. It’s a great adventure and demands much courage and devotion and much humility. Humility in living isn’t my strong point. But when I write I’m fated to be humble. Though within limits. Because the day I lose my own importance inside me—all will be lost. Conceitedness would be better, and the person who thinks he’s the center of the world is closer to salvation, which is a silly thought, of course. What you can’t do is stop loving yourself with a certain immodesty. To keep my strength, which is as great and helpless as that of any man who has respect for human strength, in order to keep it I have no modesty—They sat in silence.’
‘“Instead of a guarana soda, can I have a whiskey?” she asked.
He—called for the waiter. “Drink more slowly or it’ll go straight to your head. And also because drinking isn’t about getting drunk, it’s something else. Perhaps because I’m an old relic, I like seeing a woman who doesn’t drink.” The waiter came over, served her, adding more ice. “And your ancestors, Lóri?”
“I don’t know what you mean, but if it’s about my family—I don’t get along with them—but—I took advantage of the chaos to come to Rio—I felt I’d returned to my true proportions. And the freedom, of course—Do you want to walk down to Posto 6—sometimes the fishermen unload their catch around this time?”’
“—I’m not a fisherman, I’m a man who you’ll realise one day knows less than he seems to—the truth is that I’m telling you about part of the journey I’ve already been on. In the worst moments, remember: whoever can suffer intensely, can also feel intense joy. If you want to see the fish—let’s go.”’
‘But the nascent pleasure would ache so much in her chest that sometimes Lóri would have preferred to feel her usual pain instead of this unwanted pleasure—It was as if death were our great and final good, except it wasn’t death, it was unfathomable life that was taking on the grandeur of death. Lóri thought: I can’t have a petty life because it wouldn’t match the absoluteness of death. From the minutes of joy she’d gone through, Lóri found out that you should let yourself be flooded bit by bit by joy—since it was life being born. And anyone who wasn’t strong enough to have pleasure should cover every nerve with a protective coating, with a coating of every nerve with a protective coating, with a coating of death in order to tolerate the mightiness of life. Lóri might have this coating in any formal occasion, in any kind of silence—or in a bunch of meaningless words: it was what she did. For you don’t toy with pleasure.’
‘And the tiger? No, neither people nor animals can say thank you for certain things. So she, the tiger, had paced languorously—Lóri would never forget the help she’d received when she could only manage to stammer with fear.’
‘—the smell of the air and the restlessness of the branches of the trees that it would soon rain. You couldn’t see the moon—suffocated by the intense perfume. Through the drunkenness of the jasmine, for a moment a revelation came to her, in the form of a feeling—and in the next instant she’d forgotten whatever she’d learned from the revelation. It was as if the pact with the God were this: see and forget, in order not to be—What came to her was the slightly shocking certainty that our feelings and thoughts are as supernatural as a story that takes place after death. And she didn’t understand what she meant by that. She let it linger, the thought, because she knew it was covering another, more profound and more comprehensible. Simply, with the glass of water in her hand, she was discovering that thinking wasn’t natural for her. Then she reflected a little, with her head cocked to one side, on how she didn’t have a day-to-day. It was a life-to-life. And that life was supernatural.’
‘Life was so strong that it was helping itself through its own helplessness. Being alive—she felt—she would from now on make her motive and theme. With gentle curiosity, enveloped in the scent of jasmine, attentive to the hunger of existence, and attentive to her own attention, she seemed to be eating delicately alive what was very much hers. The hunger of living, my God.’
‘She’d never imagined that the world and she would ever reach this point of ripe wheat. The rain and Lóri were as joined as the water of the rain was to the rain. And she, Lóri, wasn’t giving thanks for anything. Hadn’t she, just after birth taken by chance and necessity the path she’d taken—which?—and wouldn’t she have always been what she now was really being: a peasant who is in a field where it’s raining. Not even thanking the God or Nature. The rain wasn’t giving thanks for anything either. Without gratitude or ingratitude. Lóri was a woman, she was a person—an inhabited body looking at the thick rain fall. As the rain wasn’t grateful for not being hard like a rock: she was the rain. Maybe she was this, exactly this: living. And despite just living she was full of a tame joy, that of a horse that eats from your hand. Lóri was tamely happy.’
‘Before I start reading a book by Clarice Lispector, I always go off somewhere I can be alone, and I don’t check my phone or do anything else until the final page. I prefer to read her from start to finish, without interruption. Her novels are something I want to undergo, like a spiritual exercise. Just as Lóri both loses and finds herself in the salty sea with its “unlimited cold that without rage roars,” I feel, when reading her books, as if I am submerged in just as deep a vastness, in the great soul of a great writer who has access to all of Nature unvarnished—Yet twinned with her esoteric knowledge is also so much insecurity and doubt. This at first feels surprising—then it does not.’
‘As spiritually profound as her writings are, they are also sensually grounded in the things of the world and the pettiest aspects of life as a human—and as a woman specifically. But that all these things are important to the same mind makes the pettinesses seem profound, or at least inseparable from our lives here on earth.’
‘As Lispector writes, “not-understanding” would always be better than “understanding,” for not-understanding “had no frontiers and led to the infinite, to the God.” Lóri, Ulisses, we, Clarice, remain apprentices, always—apprentices in everything—because apprentices feel more, think more, struggle more, and win more than the master, who has already arrived, ever can.’