Obsessive, Intrusive, Magical Thinking

by Marianne Eloise

An exploration of the intersection of neurodivergence, obsession and disorder

Obsessive was, still is, my natural state, and I never wondered why. I didn’t mind, didn’t know that other people could feel at peace. I always felt like a raw nerve, but then, I thought that everyone did.

Writer and journalist Marianne Eloise was born obsessive. What that means changes day to day, depending on what her brain latches on to: fixations with certain topics, intrusive violent thoughts, looping phrases. Some obsessions have lasted a lifetime, while others will be intense but only last a week or two.

Obsessive, Intrusive, Magical Thinking is a culmination of a life spend obsessing, offering a glimpse into Marianne’s brain, but also an insight into the lives of others like her. From death to Medusa, to Disneyland to fire, to LA to her dog, the essays explore the intersection of neurodivergence, obsession and disorder, telling the story of one life underpinned and ultimately made whole by obsession.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Mental Health, Psychology, Essays, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Audiobook

288 pages, Hardcover

First published April 7, 2022

Reviews

[Fredrik deBoer · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wrote a longform review here . Marianne Eloise is everything that's wrong with contemporary mental health culture: self-diagnosing and doctor-shopping, endlessly proud of conditions that have ruined countless lives, obsessed with the supposed romance and beauty of her perpetually boring journey of self-actualization and self-discovery, her vague mélange of symptoms and disorders coalescing into nothing that's medically comprehensible but somehow always leaving her looking like the most interesting girl in the world. I hope she grows out of it.

[Melanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an interesting read. I found a lot of things to relate but mostly what struck me is how different neurodivergent brains manifest and how the way we grow up shapes the experience again. Fascinating, especially in a world which wants us neurodivergent women to have only one of two types of experiences. Either devastation or conquering.

[grace saint · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was so disappointingly dull ? Kind of just the author rambling about their OCD but with no real point to it like the sort of word vomit you give when you meet a new therapist

[Niamh · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've given myself a bit of time to think about this book and, honestly, I hated it. I just don't think the author was ready to really tackle the issues she was trying to. I'm not trying to say the author owes the reader all the ins-and-outs of her trauma, but if you are writing a memoir focusing on your mental illness and neurodivergency, dancing around the real nitty gritty is pointless.

I related to this book but, frankly, her life just not interesting enough to hold-up an entire book. Or, at least, the parts she shares with us aren't that interesting. The same stories are repeated over and over with no new insight. I understand this may be in part due to the nature of the author's brain, but a bit of editing wouldn't hurt.

Overall, I found this book a massive disappointment and would have made for a far stronger blog post.

[Valentina Hurley · Rating 1 out of 5]

Having OCD myself I was hoping this book would offer some useful information on the subject however this is a series of personal articles on the author’s condition and with autism. Sorry but I don’t care.

A dull read.

[El · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received an advanced review copy from NetGalley/Icon Books in exchange for an honest review.

I've been a fan (if that's the right word) of Marianne Eloise for a while - I feel like she was one of the first women my age I was aware of speaking about being autistic in a way I felt engaged with (as in aesthetically, on Instagram, and without it seeming like something that was a deeply distressing thing to be), so needless to say I was very excited to find out she'd written a collection of essays primarily centred around being neurodiverse and the good and the bad that comes with it.

The book didn't disappoint - it follows her obsessions (LA, the sea, Disneyland), her fears (fire, Medusa) and the ways in which autism, OCD and ADHD have affected her over the course of her life. I recognised a lot of myself in these essays - a deep commitment to vegetarianism, a grocery list of sensory issues, a brain that tells you you are responsible for everything around you and should you stop doing or not doing things Bad Things Will Happen. I too would have slapped another kid for mocking me about my dog dying! I too used to collect all my most prized belongings together certain if I didn't something terrible would befall my house! It's truly a joy to be able to read something like this and know other people also have weird brains and what that looks like for them.

Even if you don't deeply identify with the content of the essays, they're a really good portrayal of neurodiversity in an entertaining and enjoyable way, especially considering how much autism and OCD are misunderstood by neurotypical people. I'll definitely be picking this book up in physical form when it's out, and also the cover is gorgeous.

[Hannah Showalter · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not sure how to describe how I felt about this book; I didn’t hate it but I also didn’t love it?? I felt very seen by it, but a lot of the essays fell very flat for me and I wanted much more from them. Still, I’m glad I read it and it made think more critically about my brain.

[Olivia · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ahh I wanted to like this, as someone who has OCD and loves ouroboroses, essays, and A Series of Unfortunate Events.
However, this just...wasn't...very well-written? Tenses would abruptly change for no reason, same or similarly-worded context would be reiterated multiple times throughout a piece, and, although stronger at the beginning, depictions of her conditions were 'told-not-shown' in rambling, disorganized lists (and not in a meta-mania way, which would have been really cool - like, take us inside! break form! - but instead in a way that felt...sloppy).
Ugh, I'm sorry to give it a low mark, but......

[Kara · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had to force myself through this one, which is disappointing because I was excited to read it. Is it about her struggle with mental health issues? A memoir? It sounds more like she’s talking with oh-so-cool friends over drinks on one of the sun-soaked beaches she talks about. Ugh.

[Shreya · Rating 4 out of 5]

she's just like me fr

[Mady]

After an interesting beginning, this account by a neurodivergent just became boring after a short while. So I’m giving up and moving on!

[Connie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book via Netgalley in exchange for my honest review, with thanks to the author, the publisher and Netgalley.

Marianne Eloise is a journalist who is most well known for her commentary on music, TV and popular culture. I won't lie, I was originally drawn in by the title of this book. I enjoy memoir type reads and this book posed as an interesting look into the mind of a successful young adult with ADHD and ASD, and her experiences with her intrusive and compulsive thoughts throughout life. This book follows the fixations she has had throughout her life, stemming from a love for Disney and the whimsy a day at Disneyland can bring to an intense fear of death, tales of Medusa and the ocean. This collection of essays is split into three sections, following the author across the world, in and out of relationships and into different impacts her autism, ASD and chronic pain has had upon her life. This book is raw, vulnerable and even poetic in places. It's well written but it doesn't flow as well as I would have liked it to. Whether it is just how I understand a story, I enjoy a chronology or an identifiable order of some kind, but even with the essays being separated into three sections, I felt like it overlapped a lot in different places. The author has an incredibly engaging writing style, which I enjoyed, but I found myself feeling like the story was cyclical. Despite this however, I will say this book is so open. It definitely would be a comfort for people with similar experiences and it does eventually end on a hopeful note, not dismissing the difficult experiences the author had through their life, but ending on a note that those experiencing these thoughts are not alone in their experiences.

[Luce · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF at the half way mark. I was, sort of, enjoying this at the beginning as I felt like bits of me were scattered here and there. But it quickly became just a bit too gen-z-social-media-esque for me. I don't necessarily want to say it's badly written, because I don't think it is. But I'm not sure I like the feeling that an author is extremely in the know about social media. References to social media trends, language and, I apologise in advance, *discourse* gives me the same feeling as a film which references wokeness or, worse, covid. That is the only way I can think to express my thoughts on this book, and I don't care to try writing this review again.

[Chris Payne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm still reeling from the one-liner that ends the chapter about Medusa. We need more books like this.

[apryl · Rating 4 out of 5]

i feel so fortunate to have been able to read this ahead of its publication date next month; i've been a fan of marianne's work for a while and this feels like a brilliant expansion of events and moments i've seen her briefly allude to online over the years.
she writes so eloquently about her passions and her fears and though these experiences are very much uniquely her own, i related on so many levels and appreciated her honesty in sharing her stories in an open and, at times, vulnerable way.

[Serena · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to Netgalley for an ARC

"When I was seeking diagnosis, I met with a different, thoughtless psychiatrist who told me: ‘a diagnosis isn’t a cure, you know’. I felt crushed that she would think I wanted a cure for the person that I had always understood myself as. Would I sometimes like to soften my sensory processing issues, wear anything other than cotton without having a screaming fit? Sure. Would I like to feel more restful, or be able to try new foods or deviate from my strict routine without a meltdown? Maybe. I’m not a fan of a lot of the physical problems , like issues with my joints or stomach , that come with being autistic, either. But there is so much in being neurodivergent that is who I am, and to cure the bad, the things that make life harder, would be to pull out the person I am at the root."

First things first: the opening chapter of this book was phenomenal. Marianne Eloise has a lighthearted, easily readable tone that is present all throughout the book and works really well when talking about mental health and neurodivergence. As a neurodivergent person myself, I found myself relating to the author a lot of the time - and when I didn't, her sense of humour and snide observations about the world around her made up for it.

However, as is the nature of essay collections/memoirs, varying topics brought with them varying levels of interest on my part - and as a result the reading experience had peaks and troughs for me. I also felt that at times the essays felt somewhat disjointed when viewed as a whole - for instance, cultural references that showed up time and time again were sometimes reintroduced from scratch.

Those two points aside, I really enjoyed this book and intend to buy a physical copy when it is officially released!

[Vix S · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having followed Marianne Eloise on Twitter for years now, I was delighted to hear she’d written a book, and it did not disappoint. I feel like I’ve ~been there~ (in a weird sense) for a lot of her life’s pivotal moments. It was
great to read about these moments in more depth, particularly as Marianne is now able to reflect on them slightly differently now that she has a label for a lot of her feelings and behaviours. The way Marianne writes about her various loves is dreamlike and heartening; she writes eloquently about such a wide range of topics and it was a total pleasure to be along for the ride.

[holly · Rating 3 out of 5]

i liked this book to some extent, there were some parts that were very relatable as a fellow obsessive thinker. I was hoping that this would be an exploration of obsessive thinking/ OCD in a lighthearted way. i didn’t realise it was just a memoir in which the author recounts (a lot of actually quite unrelatable) times in her life such as countless days spent at disney world etc etc, as these are her obsessions. most of it just didn’t really feel relevant to me, and i didn’t really take anything away from it - maybe it’s my fault for expecting something else from this, but I was left a bit disappointed.

[Lina Abascal · Rating 5 out of 5]

I devoured this in one foggy Saturday morning. As a Los Angeles native, it was enlightening to see how Marianne wrote about my home with fresh eyes and made me appreciate it and question it in new ways. This is a book that I believe nearly anyone could enjoy, whether you are familiar with the topics she deep dives into or not (Disney, The Occult, Los Angeles, Medusa/mythology), the deeper themes of self acceptance, family and chosen family, and a sense of home and eternal. Such a beautiful book.

[Charlotte Russell · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked how relatable the narrator was and the way OCD and Autism are discussed in a much broader sense than what we usually see in media. However, I did find the book get repetitive after a while. It felt as though the author had just copy/pasted certain passages about the same thing in multiple chapters and although this repetition is quite fitting for the subject material, it just doesn’t make for a great read.

[Alissia · Rating 2 out of 5]

Bought this book at a second hand shop for like 2 euros. To be honest I skipped most of the last 100 pages because I was just soooo bored. It started off nice and I could relate to some parts of the book. But it was very repetitive, the same thing over and over again, it was all over the place and boring.

[Jaclyn Gruenbaum · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars rounded down. Was just kind of boring and all over the place.

[Grace Camille · Rating 1 out of 5]

But being able to lie about time, sometimes convince myself that I will always be vibrant, that the people I love will be alongside me, that there's time enough to make every single one of my dreams come true, is necessary in order to live. (21)

Reminders of my losses, of my failures, of a life that I hadn't yet really lived permeated every corner of my city. Like every cliche before me, I knew the only way to heal was to leave. Sometimes there's no cure like running away from your problems: the sailors taught me that. (37)

Driving, hurtling towards the end of the world, I wondered if it wasn't too late, whether it would be easier to curl up on an empty beach and pretend I had never known anyone else at all. (260)

I have done a lot of cruel things to myself in an attempt to make things quieter. My compulsions, my eating disorder, sometimes drinking a little too much or disappearing- they were all efforts to satiate the relentless voices that told me I was bad. But by giving in, I lost what was good about me. (265)

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn’t love or hate this book. I did struggle with whether or not I like the form, having never read an essay format memoir (as opposed to a chronological memoir).

This memoir was ultimately less a memoir of her life and more a memoir of her brain and thought patterns. There is a lot unsaid about her life, childhood, experiences, etc. and there is a lot that is circular and repeated, seemingly endlessly. I am not sure if that is just part of an essay memoir or if this one specifically felt repetitive.

That said, I was surprised by how well she made such niche, personal, specific experiences feel relatable and general. That’s certainly a hallmark of good memoiring.

Overall, felt pretty average about it.

[Emily Katy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Audiobook listen ~ The author’s exploration of her special interests was written beautifully and I really related to how she finds obsessing over these positive interests helpful in reducing the intrusive thoughts of OCD. Saying that, I think I’d have preferred reading the actual book than the audiobook as there were times I lost focus on the direction of the chapters.

[Chlo]

Revealed nothing about how to cope with OCD and intrusive thoughts, but was incredibly relatable to me, an anxious OCD potentially autistic nerd.

[alina · Rating 3 out of 5]

The stuff on OCD in this book, particularly throughout the first chapter, is probably the most brutally relatable and accurate account of it that I’ve ever read. I’ve lived with it (and probably autism too) for my whole life and I find that one of the worst things about it is struggling to communicate the horrors of it to other people; other people don’t know what OCD is and they don’t care to try to understand it. Also, they wouldn’t want to, because it’s not palatable or quirky like they might want it to be. Whilst reading the first chapter I struggled to keep the tears from falling because I just felt so intensely seen and validated, and I must have highlighted the vast majority of every single page because the author kept hitting the nail right on its head perfectly over and over again. So I’m grateful for that — it’s rare. The rest of the book mostly annoyed me, because there’s this frustrating dichotomy between the person the author describes herself to be at first, and the person who constantly does stuff that the first version of herself would, surely, find extremely difficult if not impossible. I find it endlessly grating to read some iteration of “I had no money” when on the same page the author speaks of years spent jetting off to faraway places for months on end, living in Brighton and London, name-dropping celebrities she had breakfast with in LA, yada yada. The author paints a picture of herself as a complicated and extremely anxious person who obsessively loves and worries about her dog, takes weeks to pack for trips because of the crippling fear that she’ll forget something, is extremely socially anxious and nervous, is constantly in debilitating pain (none of which I’m disputing btw, not that I could or would want to anyway), and yet she somehow manages to travel the world almost incessantly (without her dog), hobnob with celebrities and bucketloads of friends, run marathons, and drown out the intrusive thoughts. It’s probably more my own problem with desperately wanting someone’s experiences to mirror mine, but I feel like the first part of this book was like “listen to me, I’m like you, you try to hard to find people who can relate to you and FINALLY here’s one, you’re not alone” and then the rest of the book made me think “nah, scratch that, this person isn’t like me and it’s making me feel like a failure for not being able to do the things she’s doing, also, how is she managing to do them?”. This book is reflective of one person’s unique experience which I obviously accept, and I know a book can only include so much information and unsaid details are none of my business, but there were so many little frustrations and contradictions for me interwoven throughout it that I ended up feeling aggravated. ALSO, for the record, I fucking hated the way the author wrote about Walt Disney. I didn’t highlight it so I’m paraphrasing, but it PISSED me off when the author said something somewhere along the lines of “I have no respect for women who wear 1950s fashion, yearning for a period steeped in racism” on one page, and then a little later goes on to brush off Disney’s very well documented nazism and racism as a “rumour”?!?! She then goes on to describe him as “a nice man” and wants you to believe he was some gentle, tortured soul trying to make a lovely sweet theme park full of rainbows and happiness because he was scared to die…yeah right, whatever. You only have to engage in MINIMAL research and watch 2 seconds of various old Disney cartoons to see quite clearly that Disney was a shithead, which definitely exposes the virtue signalling in other parts of this book as shallow, myopic and unabashedly white. By the end of the book, reading about the author’s privileged time during the first Covid lockdown spent sunning herself in Lisbon, interspersed with a load of Portuguese history that I didn’t care to try to retain, I was ready to put the book down and move on. I loved and found solace in parts of this book but others just irked me. It does maybe feel like this was a hasty memoir, written too early in the author’s life. I don’t like coming away from a memoir with more questions than when I started it.

[Lau · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley, Marianne Eloise and the publisher for providing me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

This book consists of a series of essays, which provide an insight to living with OCD and Autism. I was immersed in every topic: moving to LA, fear of death, Medusa etc. I think this book will help a lot of people struggling with the same issues feel less alone.

Some things in it seem a bit out of order and make it harder to read, but apart from that, I loved it!

[Violet · Rating 4 out of 5]

That was really good. Marianne Eloise's essays focus on various aspects of her OCD disorder: her fear of death, her fear of a fire burning her house, her fear of the ocean (despite also craving the idea of the ocean), her obsession with Disneyland, her obsession with LA. I liked the fact that she doesn't only explain how her OCD diagnosis (and her autism, but the essays focus more on the obsessive compulsive thoughts) affects her, she also shares her obsessions, lovingly writing about her favourite rides and her favourite parts of LA, her regular trips to California. I enjoyed the fact it wasn't all gloomy - her obsessions make her incredibly anxious, but they also make her very focused and determined to follow the healthier ones. It was well-written, it could have been more structured at times (it is biographical and I found some elements confusing at times, getting mixed up between boyfriends for example). It was less comedic than 'Pure', the only other OCD-focused memoir I have read; but I really enjoyed the tone and the author's personality through her words.

Free ARC shared by Netgalley.

[Louise Lenaghan · Rating 1 out of 5]

the author lost me on page 36 when she described the annual two week holiday her grandparents kindly took her on as a child as ‘to some caravan park somewhere a bit shit.’

that ungratefulness aside, a lot of the various conflicts she described throughout the book made absolutely no sense… which leads me to conclude that she’s left her wrongdoing out of the narrative to try and look innocent but just leaves a mishmash of people doing her dirty for no apparent reason.

i bought this book because the description regarding growing up with ocd resonated with me, but this book was honestly so boring it was just random chapters rambling on about one thing or another in no particular order or reason that i could see.