It's Not You, It's Everything: What Our Pain Reveals about the Anxious Pursuit of the Good Life

by Eric Minton

If we can agree on anything, it's that we are not okay. Our culture is reeling from the ravages of a global pandemic, a precipitous rise in depression and anxiety, suffocating debt, white supremacy, hypercapitalism, and a virulent political animus--to name a few. But what if it's not us? What if it's . . . well, everything? What if trying to conform to a sick culture is actually making us sick? It's Not You, It's Everything is a timely and incisive inquiry into the anxious pursuit of happiness at all costs. Psychotherapist and former pastor Eric Minton claims that the pernicious melding of capitalism and Christianity means a world of competition, perfection, and scarcity disguised as self-help and self-care. Rather than shaming, silencing, or medicating away our disappointment at not having obtained the happiness we were promised, however, Minton posits a radical alternative. In an impertinent, droll, yet pastoral voice, Minton suggests that our "not-okayness" will require rethinking everything we thought we knew about God, depression, the economy, culture, education, technology, and happiness. Our angst--and that of our children and teenagers--is telling us the truth about the kind of world we've created. By naming all the ways we're not okay, we move away from fear and shame and toward love, and trust, and trustworthiness. We'll need nothing less than hip-hop, Mr. Rogers, liberation theology, and Jesus to get us there. But on the other side of our pain is a radical "okayness" that might just set us free.

Genres: Nonfiction, Mental Health, Psychology, Self Help

198 pages, Hardcover

Published May 17, 2022

About the author

Eric Minton is a writer, ordained Baptist minister, and psychotherapist specializing in marriage and family therapy. He has a family therapy practice in Knoxville, Tennessee, and provides coaching and consultation for pastors, nonprofit leaders, businesspeople, and institutions, helping them foster better ways of living, working, and serving together. Minton’s work has appeared in Sojourners, Geez Magazine, Baptist News Global, and Red Letter Christians.

Reviews

[Melissa Flo-bix · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was one of the lucky people who got to read Eric's book before it went to press. And I'm grateful for the sad-funny depths he takes us to. Everything is not okay, because this world is a hot mess. Eric knows that and in his book he takes time to pull back the layers of our common ennui. It's not you, it's everything - capitalism and consumption, people becoming brands, and a sense of scarcity about what we have. On the other side is a faith that upends all of this, as we are bound together in the good life of disruption.

[Adam Jarvis · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had really high hopes for this book. I felt like there was a lot that I personally had in common with the author. I had heard that this was a (Southern) Baptist pastor who became a psychotherapist, and I assumed that he was coming at his psychology from a Christian perspective.

I was very disappointed. For all practical purposes, Minton has abandoned his faith to embrace a form of humanism, (confusing the Imago Dei with God) and spends the first half of the book ridiculing his own upbringing and mocking Christianity. I believe he intends the theme to come across as “brutal honesty” but his tirade comes out in this book like snarky cynicism.

There are two things about this book that deeply saddened me. Not that he acknowledges the highly problematic issues in the Baptist theological system, (duplicity, hypocrisy, dogmatism, fear mongering, Calvinistic depravity “all humans are disgusting worms” to name a few.) These are shortcomings that I have personally been negatively affected by. No, I praise him for calling these out. This is something that desperately needs to be acknowledged, and it won’t be heeded by someone shouting it from the outside of the denomination. Minton here has a golden opportunity as an “insider” with evangelical Christians to help expose where we are horrifically falling short. But he shatters his platform as he does this in an angry, condemning, foul-mouthed, condescending, sarcastically spiteful way.

(Side note: other authors have called out these problems in a much more compassionate way, like Richard Rohr or Christopher J. H. Wright, but their “credibility” isn’t as high among Baptists due to their differing denominational beliefs…)

The second thing that saddened me is that even though he has some very helpful, practical, and beautiful things to say, this is all unfortunately overshadowed by his own woundedness and cynicism.

I’m not sure the intended audience of this book. If you’re a Christian, you may at the least, be saddened by this book, at the most, highly offended. (Regardless of where you currently stand faith-wise, I don’t believe the author should be using profanity to describe God, or to “quote God.” I felt as though the author did this just to be contrary.)

If you believe that “capitalism and racism are conjoined twins,” (a direct quote from the book) that pretty much all Christianity in the U. S. is synonymous with middle-class American white supremacy, and that God is nothing more than an unfair, angry beast, then you may actually enjoy this book.

But, there are, hidden among the rubble of Minton’s shattered, twisted, victimizing, and sadly too-frequent, unhappy experience with Christianity, many precious gems of beautiful truth. I truly believe he has compassion for those who were abused by and suffered under a faith tradition that was constructed on the pillars of fear, guilt, unworthiness, and performance.

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting with this book. I knew it was going to take a critical look at capitalism and the larger effects that system has on our lives. But I was maybe also expecting some sort of final conclusion. Some sort of self help program with steps to return to faith, reform that system, and gain happiness?

Whatever my expectations were, for me, Eric’s book threaded a needle I wasn’t aware needed to be threaded. It deftly walked through explaining our collective trauma at the hands of our economic system and how that trauma has shaped our understanding of ourselves and each other. But when I was expecting some sort of unsatisfying proclamation that declared that if I would only take these simple steps my life would change and the system would become reformed, it never came. Instead, as should have been expected if so was paying close attention, I was given the opportunity to sit with my pain and allow others to sit with theirs. There is no one-size fits all path to success. But if we take a breath, stop sacrificing ourselves and each other for just a little while, we just might find that we are radically okay.

[Teresa · Rating 1 out of 5]

Eric is a funny, sarcastic, cynical guy who has had a lot of emotional pain in his life. His critiques of how the American church sometimes misrepresents God are often spot on, but his solution is to to pursue a god he can comprehend, the kind of god he can dream up rather than the God who reveals himself to us faithfully, truthfully, and kindly in the Bible. God calls himself the God of all comfort, gentle and lowly… he offers us an easy yoke if we follow Him. Eric’s solutions to the American idol-god include some good thoughts: try keeping the sabbath, share communion/the Lord’s supper with other believers and meditate on its meaning. Other suggestions seem like really a heavy yoke to me, like a call to re-parent and essentially “remake” the world. How can anyone bear this?! Instead I believe my Father is calling me to trust his goodness, wisdom, and sovereignty. He loves us despite our sin and calls us to follow him and rest in His work, knowing we are justified by Jesus’ death and adopted into his eternal family. He calls me to be faithful and obey Him, but the results are in His hands not mine. This frees me to obey without the stress of controlling the results. I thank God for the freedom He gives me!

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quite an interesting read. While I’m not the targeted audience for this book by ex-Baptist minister turned psychologist, I understand enough of the fundamentals of Christianity to engage with the text. Overall, it’s a book about healing the systems that rob us (Americans) of our humanity. If you are a right-wing, conservative evangelical, you are going to have some problems with the author’s statements and this book. Thankfully, I have no qualms with his stance and enjoyed viewing our country’s dilemmas from a very different lens. Interesting stuff.

[Emily Briano · Rating 5 out of 5]

So many things I’ve felt for a long, long time put into words. And he’s from Knoxville!

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't recommend this book enough. It's a witty and insightful take on the crossroads of mental health, popular Christianity, and late-stage capitalism--pulling back the curtain to reveal the things that are hardest to see but hurting us the most. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll introspect, you'll rage, and you'll be filled with hope at the *real* good news of a God that truly loves us with no expectation for return on the initial investment and believes in us much more than we've been conditioned to believe in ourselves.

[Justin Phillips · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eric Minton has written a beautiful book about pain—yours, mine, everyone’s—and how we continually live under the unrelenting stress of that pain to our personal and communal detriment. But, there’s good news: We can be okay, even radically okay. Here’s a taste of what Minton, a family therapist and ordained minister, means by this: “When people are radically okay, they are adults, but not in the R-rated sense of the word. They are religious, but no in the self-interested sense of the word. They are saved, but not at the expense of others. They are whole, present, and complete, but not at the expense of themselves. Instead of grinding up or burning out everyone else like a perfectly curated Instagram brand, their radical okayness inspires us, fills us with joy, and brings us into the presence of something holy. This is what it’s like to be complete, to be whole, and to finally be enough. To be this way in an unsafe world is to become like priests bravely setting communion tables in the presence of our enemies.”

It’s Not Your, It’s Everything is my favorite book of the last couple of years, and if I had the funds to buy every white southerner a copy, I would. Minton’s grace, humor, and humanity—often displayed through his pain—is a lasting work that will have a place on my end table more often than on my bookshelf, because I’ll keep returning to it again and again.

[Jeff Kline · Rating 4 out of 5]

Certainly a very thought-provoking and quotable book. Former full-time Baptist minister and current psychotherapist Eric Minton spends the first "5ish" chapters of his book railing against modern society (modern parenting, social media, capitalism/consumerism, modern white evangelical culture) then the last six chapters offering resistances based on his personal expertise and studies as a therapist (resting, listening to your pain, "reparenting", deconstructing and reconstructing, bearing "withness", etc).
The first five chapters didn't do much for me but they do set the stage for the very good last half of the book. Not sure if Mr Minton reads these reviews, but I thank him for writing such a vulnerable book and doing so with compassion and humor and a sense of wonder.

[Kal Busman · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a fantastic read. Unmasking the out in the open secret that our slide into unhappiness and discontent is a built in biproduct of our world rather than our inability to 'get things right'. It's not us. With a dark, wry humor and vulnerable transparency, Eric, through his own journey, shows us that much of the pain and struggle we experience is not located within us, but us trying to fit in to a system intentionally designed to create discontent. If you've read his online blogs and articles, you'll see his ongoing process of coming to this current understanding of human pain. I've had the privilege of reading it a couple of times and can't recommend it enough. I'll be gifting this also.

[Sekar Writes · Rating 3 out of 5]

Minton unpacks the exhaustion, anxiety, and disillusionment so many of us feel, tracing it back to capitalism, competition, and even faith. His sharp, witty insights into the pressures of modern life—especially for parents and young adults—are spot on, pulling back the layers of why we feel like we're constantly falling short.

The first half of the book hit hard, revealing the brutal realities of a world that demands too much. The second half shifts toward Christianity and faith, which I wasn’t expecting.

At the end of the book, Minton’s suggests the concept of “radical okayness” as a solution that I felt a bit too simplistic.

[Bob · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book to read closely, reflect on deeply, and share openly with others. I never imagined an ordained pastor would affirm many of my misgivings about faith in these “modern” times. Thanks, Eric, for sharing your empirically-supported, provocative, authentic, and hopeful account for a world of radical okayness, unrelenting love and trust, communionism, empathy, and faith. I’ll be rereading this gem of a book many times.

[Amanda Opelt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eric has written a book that is a prophetic word for this generation. Blending humor with research and personal story, he opens our eyes to the root cause of the anxieties and restlessness that plagues us. It's rare to find a book that is so personally incriminating and yet inspirational and hopeful. I'm so grateful to have stumbled upon this book.

[K · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn’t know this was a Christian book. I picked it up because the title resonated with me. The author was a pastor and now is a psychotherapist. It spoke to so many deep cultural issues both secular and religious. But then used psychotherapy and religion to create a healthier roadmap toward a better church, a better society, better families, and better selves.

[Edward Sullivan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Minton offers a witty, revealing, and insightful look at the intersections of mental health, popular Christianity, capitalism, and many other factors that hurt us the most mentally and spiritually, but are often the hardest to see.

[Kaylin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great one. It made me feel very hopeful for the people on earth now, not just our future generations. I learned and pondered a lot throughout this book, leaving me feeling at peace when I read the last words.

[Lukas · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Jenny · Rating 2 out of 5]

I like the concepts and ideas of this book but found it hard to stay with the text - it read more like an essay of musings. I ended up skimming it and reading some parts and not others.

[Terese Ghilarducci · Rating 3 out of 5]

Totally interesting take on religion, psychology and how we can most be our best selves

[Bailey]

DNF at page 80

[Rolf · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked the introductory framing, though in the end I think it only had enough to say to warrant a longform article rather than a book.