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Perfect Love: Imperfect Relationships
While most of us have moments of loving freely and openly, it is often hard to sustain this where it matters most—in our intimate relationships. If love is so great and powerful, why are human relationships so challenging and difficult? If love is the source of happiness and joy, why is it so hard to open to it fully and let it govern our lives? In this book, John Welwood addresses these questions and shows us how to overcome the most fundamental obstacle that keeps us from experiencing love's full flowering in our lives.
Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships begins by showing how all our relational problems arise out of a universal ‘wound of the heart’ that affects not only our personal relationships but the quality of life in our world as a whole. This core wound shows up as a pervasive mood of unlove—a deep sense that we are not intrinsically lovable just as we are. It shuts down our capacity to trust, so that even though we may hunger for love, we have difficulty opening to it and letting it circulate freely through us.
This book takes the reader on a powerful journey of healing and transformation that involves learning to embrace these imperfections—within ourselves and within our relationships—as trail-markers along the path to great love. It sets forth a process for releasing deep-seated grievances we hold against others for not loving us better and against ourselves for not being better loved. And it shows how our longing to be loved can magnetize the great love that will free us from looking to others to find ourselves.
Written with penetrating realism and a fresh, lyrical style that honors the subtlety and richness of our relationship to love itself, this revolutionary book offers profound and practical guidance for healing our lives as well as our embattled world.
Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships begins by showing how all our relational problems arise out of a universal ‘wound of the heart’ that affects not only our personal relationships but the quality of life in our world as a whole. This core wound shows up as a pervasive mood of unlove—a deep sense that we are not intrinsically lovable just as we are. It shuts down our capacity to trust, so that even though we may hunger for love, we have difficulty opening to it and letting it circulate freely through us.
This book takes the reader on a powerful journey of healing and transformation that involves learning to embrace these imperfections—within ourselves and within our relationships—as trail-markers along the path to great love. It sets forth a process for releasing deep-seated grievances we hold against others for not loving us better and against ourselves for not being better loved. And it shows how our longing to be loved can magnetize the great love that will free us from looking to others to find ourselves.
Written with penetrating realism and a fresh, lyrical style that honors the subtlety and richness of our relationship to love itself, this revolutionary book offers profound and practical guidance for healing our lives as well as our embattled world.
224 pages, Paperback
First published December 27, 2005
209 people are currently reading
1440 people want to read
About the author
John Welwood
29 books134 followersJohn Welwood (1943-2019) was an American clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, teacher, and author, known for integrating psychological and spiritual concepts. Trained in existential psychology, Welwood earned his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Chicago in 1974. He was the Director of the East/West Psychology Program at the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco and associate editor of Journal of Transpersonal Psychology.
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November 13, 2012
**To love and be loved…wounds and all**
Being human can often be a strange dilemma, especially in the realm of love. We deeply crave love, but have trouble fully giving and receiving it. The heart of the matter is that our woundedness around love—and the defenses that naturally follow—get in the way of our being able to truly love and be loved.
This is the dilemma the author addresses in _Perfect Love Imperfect Relationships_:
“How then can brokenhearted people like ourselves heal this woundedness around love that has been passed down through the generations, and set ourselves free from the strife that dominates our world? This is the most critical issue of human life, both personally and collectively. It is also the central focus of this book…You will discover that your wounding is not a fault or a defect but rather a guiding compass that can lead to greater connectedness. And this will allow you to live more creatively with the tension between love’s inherent perfection and relationship’s inevitable imperfection.” (pp. 6-7, 21)
The book serves as a guide for healing ourselves by “bringing ourselves back to life in the places we’re wounded and shut down.” (p. 149) It’s obvious that this process has been the focus of the author’s personal and professional life, and he so elegantly and poignantly captures many of his insights about the human struggle to achieve perfect love via imperfect relationships. Here are just a few that I found to be quite profound. (See if they stir your heart up a bit too):
*** The human love dilemma:
“On one hand we hunger for love—we cannot help that. Yet at the same time, we also deflect it and refuse to fully open to it because we don’t trust it…This whole pattern—not knowing we’re loved as we are, then numbing our heart to ward off this pain, thereby shutting down the pathways through which love can flow into and through us—is the wound of the heart. Although this love-wound grows out of childhood conditioning, it becomes in time a much larger spiritual problem—a disconnection from the loving openness that is our very nature.” (pp. 10-11)
*** The primary illusion:
“Yet this also gives rise to one of the most fundamental of human illusions: that the source of happiness and well-being lies outside us, in other people’s acceptance, approval, or caring…But the less experience we have of being loved as we are, the less we feel at home in our own heart. And this leaves us looking to others for the most essential connection of all—with the native sense of rightness and joy that arises only out of being rooted in ourselves…. What keeps the wound from healing is not knowing that we are lovely and loveable just as we are, while imagining that other people hold the key to this.” (pp. 46-47)
*** Love is imperfect:
“But the imperfect way our parents—or anyone else—loved us has nothing to do with whether love is trustworthy or whether we are lovable. *It doesn’t have the slightest bearing on who we really are.* It is simply a sign of ordinary human limitation, and nothing more. Other people cannot love us any more purely than their character structure allows.” (p. 48)
***Grief gets in the way of love:
“This is what is tragic about the mood of grievance: It shuts down the channel through which love could enter into us, cutting us off from its healing and regenerative power…‘I don’t feel loved’ eventually hardens into ‘I don’t trust love enough to let it in.’ Opening to love feels too threatening, and we don’t believe it is safe to do so….This is how grievances invariably become self-fulfilling prophecies…What we fail to grieve turns into grievance.” (pp. 67, 76)
***Grieving the grievance opens the heart to love:
“ The only way to heal the wound of the heart is through freeing up the feelings about loss of connection that remain stored in our body, so that they can be fully digested and move on through us….Learning to hold your woundedness in the embrace of your own compassionate presence help you be present to yourself in a new way that penetrates the thick, defensive shell around the heart. This is what allows the medicine to flow.” (pp. 76-77)
***Meeting yourself in the place where you feel unmet:
“By meeting yourself in the place where you feel unmet, something new and powerful happens. Something so simple yet so radical: You start to inhabit yourself. You reinhabit your lonely heart and bring it back to life.” (p. 82)
*** Allowing love:
“For love can touch you only when your heart is accessible. To be loved, then, is to *be* love.” (pp. 50-51)
***Choosing gratitude over grievance:
“At every moment we have the choice of either feeling gratitude for what has been given to us or indulging in grievance about what is missing. Grievance and gratitude are polar opposites. Grievance focuses on what is *not* there—the imperfections of relative love—and looks for someone to blame. Gratitude recognizes what *is* here –the simple beauty of human presence and contact—and responds to it with appreciation. When we reflect on how our life is possible only because it is held, surrounded, and nourished by a field of kindness, this gives rise to natural gratitude.” (p. 94)
***Unconditional presence digests childhood pain:
“If the wound of unlove is undigested pain from childhood, then letting yourself experience it with unconditional presence is a way of digesting that old pain. Then it no longer remains something solid and frozen that clogs your system. This is a simple and direct way of starting to heal your woundedness, the fearful shutdown you became stuck in as child.” (p. 108)
***Healing through self-understanding:
“Though you often try to get others to understand you, the understanding that heals you the most is your own. As the warmth of understanding starts to flow, it washes away your grievance against yourself, allowing self-love to take its place.” (p. 117)
***Absolute inner love plugs the holes:
“As long as you still hold onto the childhood fixation on not being loved, then no matter how much others love you, it will never be enough. The wound will operate like a hole in you: No matter how much love someone pours in, it will always leak out the bottom. And you will continue focusing on the love that’s not there rather than the love that is. That is why the practice of tuning in to absolute love is so important. It is a way out of the endless, fruitless attempt to plug the hole of love from outside…To know that you are loved, then, is to know that you *are* love.” (p. 147)
***True healing comes from within:
“Yet even when a relationship functions in this positive way, it’s important to remember that true nourishment, growth, and expansion come about only through what happens within us, in how we learn to soften and open our guarded heart. Looking to someone else to fill our holes or always satisfy our passion only cuts us off from the wellspring of beauty and power within.” (p. 150)
***Existential aloneness—the only guard is the presence of our own heart:
“Of course, in our creaturely vulnerability, there is no way to avoid loss and separation from what we love. We cannot avoid coming back again and again to the experience of being alone. No one can finally get inside our skin and share our experience—the nuances that we alone feel, the changes that we alone are going through, the death that we alone must die. Nonetheless, loss, separation, and this fundamental aloneness are important teachers, for they force us to take up residence in the only real home we have—the naked presence of the heart, which no external loss can destroy…Standing in this, our own true ground, is the ultimate healing balm for the ache of separation and the wound of love. ‘You must fall in love with the one inside your own heart,’ says the teacher Poonja. ‘Then you will see that it has always been there, but that you have wanted something else. To taste bliss, forget all other tastes and taste the wine served within.’ The warmth and openness at our core is the most intimate beloved who is always present, and into whose arms we can let go at last.” (pp. 159-160)
Bottom line: To truly love others (wounds and all), you must first be able to deeply love yourself (wounds and all). Now on to those other human dilemmas…
Being human can often be a strange dilemma, especially in the realm of love. We deeply crave love, but have trouble fully giving and receiving it. The heart of the matter is that our woundedness around love—and the defenses that naturally follow—get in the way of our being able to truly love and be loved.
This is the dilemma the author addresses in _Perfect Love Imperfect Relationships_:
“How then can brokenhearted people like ourselves heal this woundedness around love that has been passed down through the generations, and set ourselves free from the strife that dominates our world? This is the most critical issue of human life, both personally and collectively. It is also the central focus of this book…You will discover that your wounding is not a fault or a defect but rather a guiding compass that can lead to greater connectedness. And this will allow you to live more creatively with the tension between love’s inherent perfection and relationship’s inevitable imperfection.” (pp. 6-7, 21)
The book serves as a guide for healing ourselves by “bringing ourselves back to life in the places we’re wounded and shut down.” (p. 149) It’s obvious that this process has been the focus of the author’s personal and professional life, and he so elegantly and poignantly captures many of his insights about the human struggle to achieve perfect love via imperfect relationships. Here are just a few that I found to be quite profound. (See if they stir your heart up a bit too):
*** The human love dilemma:
“On one hand we hunger for love—we cannot help that. Yet at the same time, we also deflect it and refuse to fully open to it because we don’t trust it…This whole pattern—not knowing we’re loved as we are, then numbing our heart to ward off this pain, thereby shutting down the pathways through which love can flow into and through us—is the wound of the heart. Although this love-wound grows out of childhood conditioning, it becomes in time a much larger spiritual problem—a disconnection from the loving openness that is our very nature.” (pp. 10-11)
*** The primary illusion:
“Yet this also gives rise to one of the most fundamental of human illusions: that the source of happiness and well-being lies outside us, in other people’s acceptance, approval, or caring…But the less experience we have of being loved as we are, the less we feel at home in our own heart. And this leaves us looking to others for the most essential connection of all—with the native sense of rightness and joy that arises only out of being rooted in ourselves…. What keeps the wound from healing is not knowing that we are lovely and loveable just as we are, while imagining that other people hold the key to this.” (pp. 46-47)
*** Love is imperfect:
“But the imperfect way our parents—or anyone else—loved us has nothing to do with whether love is trustworthy or whether we are lovable. *It doesn’t have the slightest bearing on who we really are.* It is simply a sign of ordinary human limitation, and nothing more. Other people cannot love us any more purely than their character structure allows.” (p. 48)
***Grief gets in the way of love:
“This is what is tragic about the mood of grievance: It shuts down the channel through which love could enter into us, cutting us off from its healing and regenerative power…‘I don’t feel loved’ eventually hardens into ‘I don’t trust love enough to let it in.’ Opening to love feels too threatening, and we don’t believe it is safe to do so….This is how grievances invariably become self-fulfilling prophecies…What we fail to grieve turns into grievance.” (pp. 67, 76)
***Grieving the grievance opens the heart to love:
“ The only way to heal the wound of the heart is through freeing up the feelings about loss of connection that remain stored in our body, so that they can be fully digested and move on through us….Learning to hold your woundedness in the embrace of your own compassionate presence help you be present to yourself in a new way that penetrates the thick, defensive shell around the heart. This is what allows the medicine to flow.” (pp. 76-77)
***Meeting yourself in the place where you feel unmet:
“By meeting yourself in the place where you feel unmet, something new and powerful happens. Something so simple yet so radical: You start to inhabit yourself. You reinhabit your lonely heart and bring it back to life.” (p. 82)
*** Allowing love:
“For love can touch you only when your heart is accessible. To be loved, then, is to *be* love.” (pp. 50-51)
***Choosing gratitude over grievance:
“At every moment we have the choice of either feeling gratitude for what has been given to us or indulging in grievance about what is missing. Grievance and gratitude are polar opposites. Grievance focuses on what is *not* there—the imperfections of relative love—and looks for someone to blame. Gratitude recognizes what *is* here –the simple beauty of human presence and contact—and responds to it with appreciation. When we reflect on how our life is possible only because it is held, surrounded, and nourished by a field of kindness, this gives rise to natural gratitude.” (p. 94)
***Unconditional presence digests childhood pain:
“If the wound of unlove is undigested pain from childhood, then letting yourself experience it with unconditional presence is a way of digesting that old pain. Then it no longer remains something solid and frozen that clogs your system. This is a simple and direct way of starting to heal your woundedness, the fearful shutdown you became stuck in as child.” (p. 108)
***Healing through self-understanding:
“Though you often try to get others to understand you, the understanding that heals you the most is your own. As the warmth of understanding starts to flow, it washes away your grievance against yourself, allowing self-love to take its place.” (p. 117)
***Absolute inner love plugs the holes:
“As long as you still hold onto the childhood fixation on not being loved, then no matter how much others love you, it will never be enough. The wound will operate like a hole in you: No matter how much love someone pours in, it will always leak out the bottom. And you will continue focusing on the love that’s not there rather than the love that is. That is why the practice of tuning in to absolute love is so important. It is a way out of the endless, fruitless attempt to plug the hole of love from outside…To know that you are loved, then, is to know that you *are* love.” (p. 147)
***True healing comes from within:
“Yet even when a relationship functions in this positive way, it’s important to remember that true nourishment, growth, and expansion come about only through what happens within us, in how we learn to soften and open our guarded heart. Looking to someone else to fill our holes or always satisfy our passion only cuts us off from the wellspring of beauty and power within.” (p. 150)
***Existential aloneness—the only guard is the presence of our own heart:
“Of course, in our creaturely vulnerability, there is no way to avoid loss and separation from what we love. We cannot avoid coming back again and again to the experience of being alone. No one can finally get inside our skin and share our experience—the nuances that we alone feel, the changes that we alone are going through, the death that we alone must die. Nonetheless, loss, separation, and this fundamental aloneness are important teachers, for they force us to take up residence in the only real home we have—the naked presence of the heart, which no external loss can destroy…Standing in this, our own true ground, is the ultimate healing balm for the ache of separation and the wound of love. ‘You must fall in love with the one inside your own heart,’ says the teacher Poonja. ‘Then you will see that it has always been there, but that you have wanted something else. To taste bliss, forget all other tastes and taste the wine served within.’ The warmth and openness at our core is the most intimate beloved who is always present, and into whose arms we can let go at last.” (pp. 159-160)
Bottom line: To truly love others (wounds and all), you must first be able to deeply love yourself (wounds and all). Now on to those other human dilemmas…
March 23, 2010
This is a great book if you're truly interested in understanding intimate relationships and why they're so hard and how to make them work.
Welwood's book "Journey of the Heart" is what got me first interested in his work. He is on the verge of being a little too "oovy-groovy" for me, and a little Christian, but he avoids getting to much into that and keeps it non-denominationally spiritual and psychological.
Basically he's all about the idea that people are mostly pretty wounded and imperfect and you have to accept yourself for being broken and learn to love yourself so you can love other people.
pretty wise stuff.
Welwood's book "Journey of the Heart" is what got me first interested in his work. He is on the verge of being a little too "oovy-groovy" for me, and a little Christian, but he avoids getting to much into that and keeps it non-denominationally spiritual and psychological.
Basically he's all about the idea that people are mostly pretty wounded and imperfect and you have to accept yourself for being broken and learn to love yourself so you can love other people.
pretty wise stuff.
December 9, 2023
کتاب در رابطه با روابط صمیمی و اینکه چرا ما در روابطمان با دیگران شکست میخوریم توضیح میدهد. نحوه پذیرفتن خود و نحوه اتصال ما با عشق که نیاز اصلی ماست را در خلال کتاب بیان میکند و راهکارهای عملی جهت بهبود پذیرش عشق در وجودمان بیان میکند. خواندن کتاب را به کسانی که میخواهند راجع به دینامیک روابط مطلع شوند و سعی در بهبود روابط خود با دنیای پیرامون خویش دارند، توصیه میکنم.
ترجمه کتاب روان است، اما گهگاهی غلط املایی و دخل و تصرف مترجم در متن اصلی کتاب به چشم میخورد که چندان آزاردهنده نیست و روند خوانش را مختل نمیکند.
ترجمه کتاب روان است، اما گهگاهی غلط املایی و دخل و تصرف مترجم در متن اصلی کتاب به چشم میخورد که چندان آزاردهنده نیست و روند خوانش را مختل نمیکند.
April 28, 2019
هر که شد محرم دل در حرم یار بماند
و آنکه این کار ندانست در انکار بماند
از صدای سخن عشق ندیدم خوشتر
یادگاری که در این گنبد دوار بماند
حضرت حافظ
این کتاب مسائل جالبی رو درمورد احساس عشق و دوست داشتن مطرح میکنه. نویسنده ریشه مشکلات روابط عاطفی رو در دو چیز میبینه:
اول اینکه ما در زندگیمون با انسان هایی ارتباط داشتیم که هیچ کدوم کامل نیستن و نقص هایی دارن؛ چه در کودکی که والدینمون تاثیرگذارترین افراد زندگیمون بودن چه در سنین بالاتر که دوستان جدید پیدا کردیم و یا وارد روابط عاطفی شدیم. این انسان های ناکامل، گاهی باعث شدن برنجیم، ناراحت شیم، اذیت شیم، شکست عاطفی بخوریم و ناراحت باشیم. همه اینا زخم هایی شدن در روح ما. و ما هروقت میخوایم به یک نفر عشق بورزیم، از ترس آسیب دیدن و رنج کشیدن، درب های قلبمون و وجودمون رو کامل به روی اون آدم باز نمیکنیم. حساس میشیم و منتظر کوچیک ترین رفتار اشتباه هستیم تا به خودمون ثابت کنیم که این آدم هم مثل بقیه، عشق واقعی به من نداره و میخواد به من آسیب بزنه. همین حساسیت ها و گارد داشتن ها به ارتباط های عاطفی ما صدمه میزنن و باعث میشن اون ارتباط شکست بخوره.
مورد دوم انتظارات ما هستن. ما از همه آدم ها انتظار داریم که یک عشق بدون نقص و کامل رو به ما ارائه بدن. در حالی که همچین چیزی از هیچ انسانی بر نمیاد. بهترین کار اینه که انسان ها رو همانطور که هستن بپذیریم، با خوبی ها و بدیهاشون، و به جای این که برای حس خوب داشتن دنبال تایید و تحسین دیگران و عشق اونها باشیم، منبع عشق رو در درون خودمون بذاریم و خودمون به خودمون عشق بورزیم.
نویسنده همچنین یک سری مطالب راجع به درمان زخم های شکست های عاطفی و پذیرش احساساتمون همونطور که هستن همراه چند تمرین مدیتیشن ارائه کرده که من خیلی دوست داشتم.
چیزایی که خیلی دوست نداشتم یکی تکرار بیش از حد نکات بود و دیگری هم اینکه با وجود مطرح کردن خیلی خوب و صحیح مشکلات، یا راه حلی ارائه نمیکرد یا راه حل مورد ارائش خیلی جالب و کاربردی نبود. اما به هر حال باعث شد که من بیشتر به دنبال "self-love" برم.
و آنکه این کار ندانست در انکار بماند
از صدای سخن عشق ندیدم خوشتر
یادگاری که در این گنبد دوار بماند
حضرت حافظ
این کتاب مسائل جالبی رو درمورد احساس عشق و دوست داشتن مطرح میکنه. نویسنده ریشه مشکلات روابط عاطفی رو در دو چیز میبینه:
اول اینکه ما در زندگیمون با انسان هایی ارتباط داشتیم که هیچ کدوم کامل نیستن و نقص هایی دارن؛ چه در کودکی که والدینمون تاثیرگذارترین افراد زندگیمون بودن چه در سنین بالاتر که دوستان جدید پیدا کردیم و یا وارد روابط عاطفی شدیم. این انسان های ناکامل، گاهی باعث شدن برنجیم، ناراحت شیم، اذیت شیم، شکست عاطفی بخوریم و ناراحت باشیم. همه اینا زخم هایی شدن در روح ما. و ما هروقت میخوایم به یک نفر عشق بورزیم، از ترس آسیب دیدن و رنج کشیدن، درب های قلبمون و وجودمون رو کامل به روی اون آدم باز نمیکنیم. حساس میشیم و منتظر کوچیک ترین رفتار اشتباه هستیم تا به خودمون ثابت کنیم که این آدم هم مثل بقیه، عشق واقعی به من نداره و میخواد به من آسیب بزنه. همین حساسیت ها و گارد داشتن ها به ارتباط های عاطفی ما صدمه میزنن و باعث میشن اون ارتباط شکست بخوره.
مورد دوم انتظارات ما هستن. ما از همه آدم ها انتظار داریم که یک عشق بدون نقص و کامل رو به ما ارائه بدن. در حالی که همچین چیزی از هیچ انسانی بر نمیاد. بهترین کار اینه که انسان ها رو همانطور که هستن بپذیریم، با خوبی ها و بدیهاشون، و به جای این که برای حس خوب داشتن دنبال تایید و تحسین دیگران و عشق اونها باشیم، منبع عشق رو در درون خودمون بذاریم و خودمون به خودمون عشق بورزیم.
نویسنده همچنین یک سری مطالب راجع به درمان زخم های شکست های عاطفی و پذیرش احساساتمون همونطور که هستن همراه چند تمرین مدیتیشن ارائه کرده که من خیلی دوست داشتم.
چیزایی که خیلی دوست نداشتم یکی تکرار بیش از حد نکات بود و دیگری هم اینکه با وجود مطرح کردن خیلی خوب و صحیح مشکلات، یا راه حلی ارائه نمیکرد یا راه حل مورد ارائش خیلی جالب و کاربردی نبود. اما به هر حال باعث شد که من بیشتر به دنبال "self-love" برم.
March 20, 2020
Now I have the answer for the question: which book has much added up to your life? (At least in the perspective score).
December 12, 2013
Read this last night...and it floored me. I think is might be one of the most important books I've read in a while. When the student is ready...
"All the beauty and horrors of this world arise from the same root: the presence or absence of love. Not feeling loved and then taking that to heart is the only wound there is. It cripples us causing us to shrivel and contract. Thus, apart from a few biochemical imbalances and neurological disorders, the diagnostic manual for psychological afflictions known as the DSM might as well begin: Herein are described all the wretched
"All the beauty and horrors of this world arise from the same root: the presence or absence of love. Not feeling loved and then taking that to heart is the only wound there is. It cripples us causing us to shrivel and contract. Thus, apart from a few biochemical imbalances and neurological disorders, the diagnostic manual for psychological afflictions known as the DSM might as well begin: Herein are described all the wretched
November 7, 2019
Wonderful book about exploring the debts of where love and process of obtaining such comes from. It’s quite simple. I enjoyed the simplistic ways in which he broke it down and presented exercises at the end! I’m so happy I chose this book I just don’t know what to do.
I’m realizing that I am however on the right track and in time, I’ll know what to do if past emotions find themselves on the rise. This is a part of my tops collection and I stand behind it being recommended reading for the WORLD.
And I just want to say that you can be anti-theist or an atheist but to completely ignore the rest of the world and what their potential beliefs could be is just another way of not allowing love to flow. Be you, that’s fine, your beliefs are yours but to criticize based on a well rounded text that places things in perspective for all is beyond me. Don’t be so afraid that someone else’s beliefs may permeate your being that you feel it necessary to block out the opinions of others; that is absurd. Only YOU CAN CHANGE YOU— it’s your choice! 💚💚💚 I feel a shift in me and I wish to read more of John’s books as well as many others on love!
I’m realizing that I am however on the right track and in time, I’ll know what to do if past emotions find themselves on the rise. This is a part of my tops collection and I stand behind it being recommended reading for the WORLD.
And I just want to say that you can be anti-theist or an atheist but to completely ignore the rest of the world and what their potential beliefs could be is just another way of not allowing love to flow. Be you, that’s fine, your beliefs are yours but to criticize based on a well rounded text that places things in perspective for all is beyond me. Don’t be so afraid that someone else’s beliefs may permeate your being that you feel it necessary to block out the opinions of others; that is absurd. Only YOU CAN CHANGE YOU— it’s your choice! 💚💚💚 I feel a shift in me and I wish to read more of John’s books as well as many others on love!
October 12, 2022
I was on board with the message for most of the book and found it fairly insightful. The writing is weak but that doesn't detract from the message as a whole, even if it is an unoriginal one. Where it lost me was the the religious and spiritual aspect. This dude interprets Jesus like Jesus hasn't been dead for hundreds of years.
January 24, 2024
Tenderly written with wisdom and compassion this book is both subtle and humble, but also very exciting in the simple profound truths it reveals about how we love and allow ourselves to feel love inside and outside of relationships.
Would recommend to anyone who is on a journey towards more rewarding and satisfying relationship
Would recommend to anyone who is on a journey towards more rewarding and satisfying relationship
November 15, 2017
Not a “perfect” book (it’s worth pushing through the stuff on forgiveness and taking it at face value rather than as a judgment), but very much what I️ needed right now. Helped me synthesize a bunch of insights I’ve been poking away at for a while. Five stars because it made such a difference for me.
November 21, 2017
Kişisel gelişim kitaplarını hiçbir zaman sevememişimdir.Zorlukla okurum.Bunda da öyle oldu.Ne bulmayı beklediğimi bilmiyorum ama şöyle yap böyle yap telkinleri bana çok yavan geliyor.Kendi dilinde okusam fikrim değişir miydi bilmiyorum.Bazen gerçek mesaj çeviride kaybolabiliyor.Bu yüzden uygulama bölümlerini yapmadım.Yaparsam fikrimi paylaşırım.
February 20, 2017
The best book on relationships I've read. Highly recommend.
December 8, 2023
There is one root problem in human relationships - the belief that we cannot be loved as we are. This makes it hard to trust ourselves, others, and life itself.
Openness, an unconditional yes, is loves essence
Shutting down and numbing the heart is a deflection of pain and is our wound. Saying no is easy. Saying yes is hard but is much more powerful.
Not knowing we are loved makes the heart grow cold, leads to anger,fear,arrogance,insecurity and is the cause of most of the maladies in the DSM and ultimately to all social ills and war
We must love one another or die - Auden
We cannot give love if we dont feel love. So we have to be permeable and let it in
Absolute love is what comes through us when we fully open up to another person, to ourselves, and to life.
Love flows through us when we are present
When life belongs to you and you belong to life, you are free from want and fear
The more two people open up to eachother, the more this wide openess also brings to surface all the obstacles to it
Celebrate that we are both vulnerable and indestructible at the same time
Our human calling is to unveil the sun in our hearts that it may embrace ourselves and others with its warmth
To let love in requires us to melt
Can you let awareness enter into your ache? See if you can soften into it.
The pain of unlove is a cry from the heart - “you have lost touch with me, please come and find me, your lifes blood”
Let yourself feel grievance as an energy, not as a story
You hire an inner critic to whip you into shape because you feel love is conditional
Openess to fear is far bigger than the fear itself
Self love involves a yes to ones experience and feelings, instead of a concept of how it should be
Allow yourself to be as you are even though you may not like what you are feeling
Every person is a new thing in this world (and has an environmental niche)
Desire can be the source of suffering AND bliss. To make friends with your desire, bring attention to desire itself, not the object of desire. Meet it with unconditional presence.
Nourish me not with love but for the longing of love - this awakens what is most alive in us
Open yourself to the energy of longing, this is a turn toward the holy and the source of all. A connection with the essence of who you are.
Love wants you. It has only been waiting for you to let it in.
You cannot hold onto love, you can only stay open and let it enter you
We become a defensive ego when we do not trust that love is holding us up
God love is nondirectional - immerse yourself in the stream of absolute love that is God. It is not something given or received, it is who you are
Openness, an unconditional yes, is loves essence
Shutting down and numbing the heart is a deflection of pain and is our wound. Saying no is easy. Saying yes is hard but is much more powerful.
Not knowing we are loved makes the heart grow cold, leads to anger,fear,arrogance,insecurity and is the cause of most of the maladies in the DSM and ultimately to all social ills and war
We must love one another or die - Auden
We cannot give love if we dont feel love. So we have to be permeable and let it in
Absolute love is what comes through us when we fully open up to another person, to ourselves, and to life.
Love flows through us when we are present
When life belongs to you and you belong to life, you are free from want and fear
The more two people open up to eachother, the more this wide openess also brings to surface all the obstacles to it
Celebrate that we are both vulnerable and indestructible at the same time
Our human calling is to unveil the sun in our hearts that it may embrace ourselves and others with its warmth
To let love in requires us to melt
Can you let awareness enter into your ache? See if you can soften into it.
The pain of unlove is a cry from the heart - “you have lost touch with me, please come and find me, your lifes blood”
Let yourself feel grievance as an energy, not as a story
You hire an inner critic to whip you into shape because you feel love is conditional
Openess to fear is far bigger than the fear itself
Self love involves a yes to ones experience and feelings, instead of a concept of how it should be
Allow yourself to be as you are even though you may not like what you are feeling
Every person is a new thing in this world (and has an environmental niche)
Desire can be the source of suffering AND bliss. To make friends with your desire, bring attention to desire itself, not the object of desire. Meet it with unconditional presence.
Nourish me not with love but for the longing of love - this awakens what is most alive in us
Open yourself to the energy of longing, this is a turn toward the holy and the source of all. A connection with the essence of who you are.
Love wants you. It has only been waiting for you to let it in.
You cannot hold onto love, you can only stay open and let it enter you
We become a defensive ego when we do not trust that love is holding us up
God love is nondirectional - immerse yourself in the stream of absolute love that is God. It is not something given or received, it is who you are
July 17, 2019
Kai žymiuosi citatas tinklaraščio įrašui, tai darau atsižvelgdama ne į būsimą knygos aprašymą, o kiek jų prasmė rezonuoja mano vidinėms būsenoms ir kiek priverčia viduj kažką caktelėti. Prisižymiu, kiek man skaitant norisi, o paskui rašant čia atrenku labiausiai patikusias. Bet šįkart atranką iš pasižymėtų citatų vykdyti buvo taip sunku, kad palikau visas. Nes jos visos yra iš skirtingų sričių ir labai man įstrigo. Norėčiau po kiek laiko vėl jas perskaityti ir sau priminti šias dažnai kasdienybėje užsiveliančias ir dėl to užmirštamas, bet iš tiesų tokias paprastas tiesas.
Žodžiu, pagrindinė knygos idėja yra tokia – visos mūsų problemos kyla iš to, kad mes vaikystėje nesijautėme pakankamai mylimi, todėl ir užaugę nemanome esantys verti meilės, nemylime ar nepakankamai mylime save, taigi tuo pačiu negalime ir mylėti kitų (tame tarpe ir savo vaikų, todėl toliau sukasi užburtas ratas, kad tie vaikai vėl užaugs su meilės trūkumu ir taip toliau). Bandome savo savivertę dirbtinai padidinti juodindami ar menkindami kitus, skirstydami žmones į mes ir tie-kiti. Šitas dalykas akivaizdus paėmus absoliučiai bet kokį visuomeninio gyvenimo aspektą, čia nereikia net religijų, politinių partijų ar muzikos subkultūrų, susipriešinama net pagal tai, ar kūdikį žindai, ar ne, ir pagal tai, kokios markės automobilį vairuoji.
Kaip ir sufleruoja knygos pavadinimas, autorius pripažįsta, kad tobulų tarpasmeninių santykių nebūna, jų neįmanoma sukurti, taigi ir jų tikėtis yra naivu. Kiekvienas į santykius ateiname su savo praeities žaizdomis, todėl dažnai net ir visai iš pažiūros nekalta kito pastaba gali įžiebti neracionalų pykčio proveržį, jei pajudinama kažkas giliai ir labai jautraus. Tačiau tobula meilė savaime egzistuoja, jos mes ir ilgimės, apie ją svajojame ir jos siekiame. Todėl kai kurie mėgsta dažnai kaitalioti gyvenimo partnerius, tikėdamiesi, kad va su nauju tai jau tikrai pavyks tą tobulą meilę užkurti.
Knygos autorius, remdamasis tiek ilgamete savo kaip psichoterapeuto darbine patirtimi, tiek Rytų išminčių žodžiais, moko, kaip surasti vidinę ramybę, taiką ir harmoniją, bei kaip pasiekti pirmapradės meilės šaltinį, gydantį praeities žaizdas ir leidžiantį adekvačiau bendrauti dabartiniuose santykiuose.
Knyga iš tiesų vertinga, joje gausu išmintingų įžvalgų ir lengvai įgyvendinamų, bet naudingų praktinių patarimų. Nuoširdžiausios rekomendacijos.
Žodžiu, pagrindinė knygos idėja yra tokia – visos mūsų problemos kyla iš to, kad mes vaikystėje nesijautėme pakankamai mylimi, todėl ir užaugę nemanome esantys verti meilės, nemylime ar nepakankamai mylime save, taigi tuo pačiu negalime ir mylėti kitų (tame tarpe ir savo vaikų, todėl toliau sukasi užburtas ratas, kad tie vaikai vėl užaugs su meilės trūkumu ir taip toliau). Bandome savo savivertę dirbtinai padidinti juodindami ar menkindami kitus, skirstydami žmones į mes ir tie-kiti. Šitas dalykas akivaizdus paėmus absoliučiai bet kokį visuomeninio gyvenimo aspektą, čia nereikia net religijų, politinių partijų ar muzikos subkultūrų, susipriešinama net pagal tai, ar kūdikį žindai, ar ne, ir pagal tai, kokios markės automobilį vairuoji.
Kaip ir sufleruoja knygos pavadinimas, autorius pripažįsta, kad tobulų tarpasmeninių santykių nebūna, jų neįmanoma sukurti, taigi ir jų tikėtis yra naivu. Kiekvienas į santykius ateiname su savo praeities žaizdomis, todėl dažnai net ir visai iš pažiūros nekalta kito pastaba gali įžiebti neracionalų pykčio proveržį, jei pajudinama kažkas giliai ir labai jautraus. Tačiau tobula meilė savaime egzistuoja, jos mes ir ilgimės, apie ją svajojame ir jos siekiame. Todėl kai kurie mėgsta dažnai kaitalioti gyvenimo partnerius, tikėdamiesi, kad va su nauju tai jau tikrai pavyks tą tobulą meilę užkurti.
Knygos autorius, remdamasis tiek ilgamete savo kaip psichoterapeuto darbine patirtimi, tiek Rytų išminčių žodžiais, moko, kaip surasti vidinę ramybę, taiką ir harmoniją, bei kaip pasiekti pirmapradės meilės šaltinį, gydantį praeities žaizdas ir leidžiantį adekvačiau bendrauti dabartiniuose santykiuose.
Knyga iš tiesų vertinga, joje gausu išmintingų įžvalgų ir lengvai įgyvendinamų, bet naudingų praktinių patarimų. Nuoširdžiausios rekomendacijos.
February 19, 2020
I started reading this book when I was a really sad and conflicted state of mind. I had recently gone through a breakup with a guy I had really strong feelings for, who I might even describe as my first real love. I felt betrayed and abandoned in the end, and I was incredibly hurt. This experience triggered my old fears that I was worthless and that nobody would ever appreciate me or love me as much as I did for them. I always feel like the loser in the end, giving all my love and loyalty to people who can't or won't do the same for me.
So this book gave me some helpful insights and allowed me to think about my pain from an outside perspective. It was a bit of a healing experience. The tone of the book felt really kind and compassionate, if that makes sense, and it was really nice to read the words of an outside source describe feelings that I've sat with for so long.
A couple drawbacks, in my opinion however. The exercises, while thought provoking, were not always helpful for me. Also this book has a LOT of spiritual and religious-esque language, and as an atheist who isn't particularly spiritual either this just didn't do it for me. It wasn't my cup of tea.
Tl;dr version- an interesting book. It isn't the end all be all of my process of healing my old wounds and growing from my past experiences. But it was a nice start.
So this book gave me some helpful insights and allowed me to think about my pain from an outside perspective. It was a bit of a healing experience. The tone of the book felt really kind and compassionate, if that makes sense, and it was really nice to read the words of an outside source describe feelings that I've sat with for so long.
A couple drawbacks, in my opinion however. The exercises, while thought provoking, were not always helpful for me. Also this book has a LOT of spiritual and religious-esque language, and as an atheist who isn't particularly spiritual either this just didn't do it for me. It wasn't my cup of tea.
Tl;dr version- an interesting book. It isn't the end all be all of my process of healing my old wounds and growing from my past experiences. But it was a nice start.
December 2, 2018
A very beautiful and wise book with many passages about human/relative love and absolute/divine love that are sheer gems. Those many priceless passages alone warrant a 5 star review.
I question, however, whether the exercises that focus on the feeling of unlove and the sense of lacking love in order to connect to the absolute love within us are truly necessary and even recommendable. We can go straight to connecting with absolute love without having to subject ourselves to feelings of lack, I think. The "ask" has already been made from time immemorial in order to "receive" or connect with what's already there because that absolute love is a manifestation of our essential nature, so there's no need to continue asking, in my view. That said, perhaps folks who have been hardened enough to not connect at all with their need for love and what they do want may find them helpful.
I question, however, whether the exercises that focus on the feeling of unlove and the sense of lacking love in order to connect to the absolute love within us are truly necessary and even recommendable. We can go straight to connecting with absolute love without having to subject ourselves to feelings of lack, I think. The "ask" has already been made from time immemorial in order to "receive" or connect with what's already there because that absolute love is a manifestation of our essential nature, so there's no need to continue asking, in my view. That said, perhaps folks who have been hardened enough to not connect at all with their need for love and what they do want may find them helpful.
February 17, 2019
"At the bottom of my grievance against a world gone mad, I discovered the vulnerable child who still didn't know that love was fully available or truly reliable." p6 introduction *Also see Deb's 2012 review for important quotes*
This book is an exploration of what human nature desires from love and how romantic relationships are both a gateway to getting that (if viewed correctly) while also a disappointment to realizing those things if seen as an end in themselves. It's interesting that Welwood explores desire with a similar (and to me new) understanding to that presented in Mark Epstein's "Open to Desire: Truth About What the Buddha Taught" that I recently finished and Phillip Moffitt's "Dancing with Life" that I am currently reading.
This book is an exploration of what human nature desires from love and how romantic relationships are both a gateway to getting that (if viewed correctly) while also a disappointment to realizing those things if seen as an end in themselves. It's interesting that Welwood explores desire with a similar (and to me new) understanding to that presented in Mark Epstein's "Open to Desire: Truth About What the Buddha Taught" that I recently finished and Phillip Moffitt's "Dancing with Life" that I am currently reading.
November 9, 2018
I have to remain pretty neutral on this one. Not because it wasn't good. It may be outstanding, but I wasn't ready for this. This book asks you to do a lot of introspection. A lot of looking within, time with yourself, examining your feelings as they come naturally. Trying to feel love and other emotions through conjuring them in a time of calm.
I want to be here with myself and my feelings. I want to do these things, feel these things, know these things.... but I'm not in that place right now, I'm not ready to dedicate to this.
But I know it's here.... for when I am ready.
I want to be here with myself and my feelings. I want to do these things, feel these things, know these things.... but I'm not in that place right now, I'm not ready to dedicate to this.
But I know it's here.... for when I am ready.
July 8, 2023
This book held many of the philosophical ideas I’ve read in essays by Wendell Berry. This book is simple and good. I like that it is more of a therapy book with practical examples for achieving this sense of “absolute love.” I will refer back to the exercises to see if they are useful.
While the writing was simple, at times it felt wordy or repetitive. That is my biggest complaint.
Overall, a great book about acknowledging the wound of the heart and addressing the ways we might put unrealistic expectations on relationships as a way to overcompensate for those triggers.
While the writing was simple, at times it felt wordy or repetitive. That is my biggest complaint.
Overall, a great book about acknowledging the wound of the heart and addressing the ways we might put unrealistic expectations on relationships as a way to overcompensate for those triggers.
February 1, 2021
I found this book so transformational (not a word I use lightly) in understanding our relationship to ourselves and to our partners. I’ve studied Buddhist teachings and read books on Self Compassion and self love which never connected with me, but the way & depth John Welwood frames these ideas just made sense to me. There’s so many ideas to reread and digest here, it’s made quarantine more like a retreat.
December 12, 2021
Let's just say the author helped to make many things clearer. The wounds of the heart affect every relationship. This was truly a healing and transformative journey from self-hated to self-love. Find the center of the underlying causes in your relationships. Most of us don't even know we have wounds of the heart until we read this great book.
I ordered two more copies to send to my 55-year-old daughter and 50-year-old son.
I ordered two more copies to send to my 55-year-old daughter and 50-year-old son.
August 30, 2024
3.5 stars. I saw this recommended as a good supplemental book on loving-kindness, which has been the focus of my meditations lately. The book spends a lot of time focused on grievances in relationships, and addresses that well - I just don't have that many grievances at the moment, so it felt harder to apply to my life at times.
December 25, 2024
A very insightful book into the nature of relationships, already speaking about nervous system regulation and attachment theory when it was still not a "thing". Provides some very useful excersizes to experiment self regulation and also to cultivate a deeper and stronger conection to Self. A balanced merge of psychology and psychotherapeutic tools with a spiritual perspective based on budhism.
January 1, 2026
This book explains why it is important to treat yourself with love, to accept yourself as you are, to appreciate “the living quality that is your presence.” And then it explains by examples and exercises how to achieve a “kind understanding of yourself” and to accept your human experience just as it is. I found this book helpful, insightful, hopeful and inspiring.
May 24, 2020
The most wonderful book i have ever read , I profoundly invite everyone who is interested in spirituality and discovering the true self to read this masterpiece . Thank you so much John Welwood , I wish if you were alive and thank you personally for the great amazing efforts you put in this book
August 30, 2022
This book has helped me cope with the break up of a 10-year relationship. I find peace within myself to feel loved by my own self, and I find ways to let go of the hate I have for my ex after so many broken things added up in our relationship.
November 24, 2018
An amazing book with alot of gems to discover and reflect on
February 25, 2019
Read and re-read slowly and deliberately. Often through tears.
February 12, 2020
Lovely and profound. Deeply therapeutic.
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