Comprendre les hommes enfin ! (COUPLE)

by Lewis Howes, Serge Hefez (Preface), Aurore Aimelet (Translator)

At 30 years old, Lewis Howes was outwardly thriving but unfulfilled inside. He was a successful athlete and businessman, achieving goals beyond his wildest dreams, but he felt empty, angry, frustrated, and always chasing something that was never enough. His whole identity had been built on misguided beliefs about what "masculinity" was.

Howes began a personal journey to find inner peace and to uncover the many masks that men – young and old – wear. In The Mask of Masculinity, Howes exposes the ultimate emptiness of the Material Mask, the man who chases wealth above all things; the cowering vulnerability that hides behind the Joker and Stoic Masks of men who never show real emotion; and the destructiveness of the Invincible and Aggressive Masks worn by men who take insane risks or can never back down from a fight. He teaches men how to break through the walls that hold them back and shows women how they can better understand the men in their lives. It's not easy, but if you want to love, be loved and live a great life, then it's an odyssey of self-discovery that all modern men must make. This book is a must-read for every man – and for every woman who loves a man.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Personal Development, Relationships, Gender, Audiobook

256 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 31, 2017

Reviews

[Matthew · Rating 1 out of 5]

I guess I'm not a man either

Look, I get it. We all have stereotypes of what men are and the masks they use to hide the pain. I totally believe in this ideal and understand some men suffer from this.

I'm like Lewis in the fact I was sexually abused. I have a lot of history in that. However, none of the mask types in here (disappointed there are ONLY 9 and ONLY stereotypes) do not apply to me.

I get it. I am already an outsider looking in. I had to deal with a lot so my mental wiring is not like other man. I might as well be called Omega Man for how "beta" I am.

I hate the fact I bought this book. I got hooked on the interviews and decided I would give Lewis one more try. We were cut from the same twisted cloth.

Except I am not on the male list.

If you have a typical male in your life with typical problems of being a male in the normal society, then this book might be for you.

If you're one of the few Omega males in the world, save your money. We aren't even Sigma enough to register on the book's scale. Go see a therapist instead.

[Adii Pienaar · Rating 5 out of 5]

This feels authentic and open; unlike other "serious" books that were written with only a commercial goal in mind. I feel that this book starts and adds to an important conversation about what it means to be born a male / be a man in society today.

I also had a bit of an epiphany in reading the book: I consider myself an open, transparent, heart-on-the-sleeve guy that is mostly comfortable being vulnerable. But when I spoke to my son about how it is okay to cry, he told me that he had never seen me cry. I was stunned. I had never consciously tried to hide my tears from my boys. In fact, most of the most significant people in my life would've seen me cry. Yet for whatever reason, my son had not yet seen me cry and subsequently I had contributed to his skewed perception about crying/being a man.

[Bella · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm finally aborting this book after trudging along with it until I'm more than halfway through.

I borrowed this book from the library because it was a new acquisition and I was the first patron to take it out. The title and the premise of the book both sounded promising.

You can begin anywhere in the book based on which type of mask you are most interested in reading about. I picked the sexual mask because I found it most relatable. It was when I had finished my section of choice and began reading cover to cover that the trudging started.

The first thing that jolted me into seriously considering why I was spending my time with this book was the elaborate mention of the guy who spammed YouTube videos with ads to sell his rags-to-riches formula, in houses and next to cars be purportedly rented for the shots. I read on because I couldn't imagine aborting any books and I wanted to "give this book a chance."

The references to facetious anecdotes from the author's personal experience and the "manly men" he reveres soon became tediously repetitive and it became apparent that most of the points made are circuitous and seem to always come to a mention (or repeated mentions) of the his podcast and apparently a previous work.

If you are looking for properly postulated arguments with some semblance of research and methodology involved, it's not what I'll suggest.

[Caleb · Rating 3 out of 5]

I checked this book out of my library as a bit of a joke. I was looking forward to many eyerolls and snickers at what I presumed would be a facile treatment of the issue. Instead, what I read was a rather interesting introduction to masculinity studies. Howes made each of his chapters easy to understand through personal and third-party narratives, while peppering academic and scientific stories throughout to support his points.

This book ultimately received three stars from me because it lacked any nuance when it came to gender (which the author admits) and the spectrum of masculinities (something the author did not really touch on). With some minor tweaks, this could definitely be a 4-star read.

I will be recommending this to many people in the days to come. Three hefty, masculine stars.

[Marina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is more 3.5 stars for me, but Lewis is so darn likable and genuine that I can't get myself to round it down.

I am quite interested in the topic of masculinity and in psychology in general, so there wasn't tons here in terms of theory that was very new to me. But I really liked the anecdotes/case studies Lewis used and I also liked the idea of the different 'masks'.

Many of the things he talks about are esentially about how to have a good life, and apply nicely to both men and women, though with a particular focus on how our culture(s) can get men off course in specific ways. Some observations I liked:

- Sports as soap opera - lots of heightened emotion (over something not very real) in players and viewers

- For many athletes after they stop playing sports, the selflessness of team play disappears and all they're left with is competitiveness and the need to win. Ironically this often expresses itself in relationships.

- Five core life areas to focus on: health (mental, physical, emotional), relationships, wealth (finances, career, education, business), contribution, spiritual. How would you rate yourself on each one? What would a ten look like in each area for you?

- "That's the day I became a wealthy man. Because I still didn't have any money but scarcity left my body." - Tony Robbins on giving all his remaining money to a boy in a restaurant so he can take his mom out for lunch

- Unaddressed anger is the glue that keeps the aggressive mask stuck in place. Fear, sadness, pain are usually under it.

- Anger is one of few emotions men and boys find ok to express (boys see this in games, on TV)

- Society will accept you with your flaws, as long as you're funny

- Humour as a way of maintaining distance

- Beware of experts - especially people who think they know something but have very little experience with it

- Two ears, one mouth.

- There are no competitions for best listener, and many for best speaker. We are not taught how to listen well.

- When you let go of the know-it-all mask, these things can flood back into your life: people want to be around you, freedom to not know, ability to learn and grow, deep wisdom from others, deeper intimacy and support

- Most of all, (unempowered) alpha males want control and respect -getting all they're asking for is only third on the list

- Looking like you're on top is not the same as getting what you want. Don't let your ego get in the way of getting what you really want. We often mistake posturing for the real thing.

- What makes you special is the unique combination of strengths you have. But men who wear the alpha mask (or any other mask?) feel like they can only count on this one developed muscle - they're not sure if investing into strengthening other ones would pay off and they worry it would weaken their one developed muscle. Embrace a fuller view of what masculinity means.

- Do what you feel is right and true. That's your only obligation as a man and as a human being.

- Two things that matter in life: your relationships, and how you've made a difference/a mark

- How to build a legacy - doing something that is meaningful to you that brings value to others

[Brandon Thomas · Rating 2 out of 5]

#1.5-2

While I’m sure the author means well, there is still a dominant mention and focus on ‘obvious’, generic male stereotypes.

I agree with the concept of breaking down a mask, but there is a broader spectrum of focal points when it comes to exploring masculinity, despite the author’s focus on 9 common ‘labels’.

Instead of reaching out to everyday people, the author has looked to those who have already achieved great things. “I am sitting in a multimillionaire’s wingback chair, in his 16 bedroom Beverly Hills mansion” - it was the choice to begin sentences like this that made me lose interest as I felt the author wanted us to know he had great connections. Unfortunately, not all of us can be seduced by this method.

Perhaps had the author interviewed more relatable sources, his work could have felt less pretentious. Don’t get me wrong, sourcing content from persons other than yourself is integral for this type of book, however I’m sure the broader audience would rather hear from a 9-5 working man rather than a YouTube sensation.

Overall, the author’s idea and understanding of men comes across very generalised. There are still continuous highlights of labels for men, and gender norms throughout, which is ironic given the issue between man and masculinity is very much about those two things.

[Sergiu Cipcigan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading this book, it really makes you rethink the reasons you are doing some things. The moment you put one of the masks, usually without knowing, you actually get more distant to the actual problem that you are facing, a really dangerous thing to do.

I think the best example of a mask would be Robin Williams, a person that brought so much joy and happiness in the hearts of millions when he actually was very depressed.

[Eli · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a good book.

Lewis Howes highlights nine common masks of masculinity with their own chapters: the Alpha Mask, the Sexual Mask, the Know-It-All Mask, the Athlete Mask, the Joker Mask, the Material Mask, the Stoic Mask, the Invincible Mask, and the Aggressive Mask. He talks about his experience with them and the experiences of others (like Mike Rowe, Travis Pastrana, and Alanis Morisette) with them, being respectful of their perspectives whether he agrees with them or not. He closes each chapter by telling the man behind the mask of that chapter by saying that they have a lot to offer and what they will gain by removing that mask. He writes some suggestions for men who are trying to take of the mask as well as for women who are trying to help some man in their life take off that mask.

This really helped me realize a lot of interesting things about my masculinity and I have a lot to think about in the way that I interact with the world and the people closest to me. I would strongly recommend this to any guy who wants to do some self-reflection.

[Melissa Stacy · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 rounded up

"The Mask of Masculinity: How Men Can Embrace Vulnerability, Create Strong Relationships, and Live Their Fullest Lives," by Lewis Howes, was first published in 2017. I bought this book just before the COVID-19 pandemic began, and read it in March or April 2020.

This book is okay. It's not very deep or insightful, but it's readable, and Lewis Howes shares some interesting personal information that I enjoyed learning about.

Howes states that the journey of exploring his own masculinity was inspired by Joe Ehrmann's 2013 TEDx Baltimore talk: "Be a Man," and the 2015 documentary, "The Mask You Live In."

Howes ends the book, on pg 221, with a section titled, "Now Pay It Forward," which begins this way:

"We talked a lot about masculinity in this book, but I have deliberately steered away from the tricky waters of biology and gender. I know nothing about these topics, although I do know about the basic propagation of our species."

I nearly fell on the floor laughing when I read that.

Howes states, at the very end of his book, that he knows nothing about "gender," but he wrote an entire book ABOUT gender. Masculinity *is* a gender.

I'll also mention that the word "patriarchy" does not appear in this book. Neither do the words "gender roles." Page 221 is the one and only time the word "gender" ever appears in this book.

The fact that masculinity is a cultural invention is never mentioned in this book. If you are in the mood to read a book with actual depth, this really isn't the best choice. If you are someone who has NEVER questioned what "masculinity" is, or its effects on boys and men, and would prefer to examine these subjects in the most facile way, then this book is a great choice.

Howes focuses on the nine most stereotypical types of modern masculinity, and the damage these mainstream forms of masculinity can have on men's psyches. This book is about helping men get in touch with their emotions, and then spreading the message that they can still be men by doing so.

There are many more types of masculinity that are never examined or even mentioned in this book.

The fact that many women and people assigned female at birth adopt the same stereotypical traits of masculinity that men do, as a function of surviving in the modern capitalist patriarchy, is never mentioned in this book. Transgender people are never mentioned in this book, either.

Howes is just focused on "typical"/stereotypical men (people assigned male at birth) being told they can embrace their emotions and still "be men." This is a good and useful message, and I fully support it.

I appreciate Howes for his YouTube channel, and for the free content he makes available online. For those reasons, I'm glad that I bought and read this book.

I would recommend this book for "traditional men" who are allergic to the word "gender" and believe the word "patriarchy" is a nonsense word invented by hysterical women who just need to have a baby and cook a casserole and calm the F down. That kind of "traditional man" is the perfect audience for this book, and I'd highly recommend it to them.

I highly recommend the "Be a Man" TEDx talk and the documentary "The Mask You Live In" to EVERYONE. Both works are more insightful and impactful than this book was for me, but I appreciate this book nonetheless.

A big thank you to Lewis Howes for helping to spread a good message to the people suffering from the mental and emotional trauma of stereotypical masculinity.

[Cody Lasko · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a review for the audiobook version read by Lewis himself.

I’m gonna be biased because this book struck a chord deep. But hey, it’s my review, so... here we go.

I’m a man and I’ve struggled in the past. I’ve had emotional difficulties, intimacy issues, over-aggressive tendencies, and trouble building relationships. In fact, I still do. A lot.

Over the years I’ve come to understand why. Or at least partially understanding why.

This book hooked in so deep because it cuts directly to these reasons and utilizes examples from the author’s own life experience himself (who in doing so exposes so much vulnerability it helps to remove the reader’s own emotional barriers). Beyond that real world exemplars of the more extreme variations of each masculine archetype are provided within, tossing their own thoughts into the mix. Travis Pastrana as the “Invincible Man” is a great example here.

The combination inexplicably brings out your own past transgressions and allows a deep reflection on how each instance has informed who you are as a man today. Often this is in stark conflict to who we really are as people deep inside.

If you couple this read with Lewis’ other work, and particularly that done on his podcast, this is a book that could prove invaluable to so many men out there in the world.

I know the self reflection it brought to my life has already proven to be invaluable. Maybe it can for you too

[Nathaniel Voll · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lewis Howes means well. He takes a shallow-end dive into masculinity and means well in doing so. And no book can be universal, so writing to men in general is a difficult task. Some chapters resonated with me on a small level, but most scratched the surface of what I already know about toxic masculinity. This book bothered me for many reasons.

Firstly, it is heteronormative and views gender as binary. And maybe that will help some people. I know many men who would benefit from this kind of discourse.

But secondly, it was sexist. In each chapter, Howes concludes with what men can do to shed their masks, and what women can do. And in each chapter, Howes tells women that they can support their men. See point one: heteronormative. But also, it is not a woman's job to make men treat women better. Sure, support each other on a human to human level. But the idea that a partner reads Howes' book to gain insight into male pain and suppression is fundamentally sad.

The part that bothered me the most every time I sat down to read this book was the formatting. Howes bolds random sections of text that he deems to be particularly important, and my eye is drawn to that every time I turn a page. Am I to skip the rest of it? Do I skim your book, Lewis Howes? And when using a block quotation, DON'T ITALICIZE THE WHOLE THING! It's hard on the eyes, and confusing when you double the italics so that "important" text is normal again. If you wrote words that matter, make them all matter please! Your book is over 200 pages long. If you only want me to read the bolded sections, please write a 40-page essay next time.

And man oh man the metaphors! Symbolism isn't his strong suit as an author. Of course, speaking passionately and meaning well seems to be, and to his credit, I know this book has probably helped many people out there. So good for you, Howes. I hope you follow up with deeper content in the future. Male toxicity and fragility isn't exactly news. Once you remove the mask, what's the plan? Be yourself? Please follow up with more wisdom for the people who might remove a mask, as you put it, and find themselves vulnerable to the societal pressures that took them to the Halloween aisle in the first place. Please dig deeper. Don't settle for surface level. You have a platform and can do more with it.

[Valerie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book. It came highly recommended to me by a communications professor. I'm interested in the topic: masculinity and culture shaping / perspective of the concept. But this book felt fairly superficial and seemed to lack the depth it could have hit. I get it, I'm a woman, I'm not the target audience, I might have gotten more out of it as a guy, so take my perspective for what it's worth.

The book is formatted pretty straight forward: Howes introduces a "mask" of masculinity, gives us a bio of a guy who epitomizes that mask, and then shows us the fallacies of living behind said mask. But other than some breezy suggestions at the end of each chapter, I didn't feel he illustrated well what the alternative to the "mask" really looks like. I felt that he's speaking to and about a pretty narrow group of men, leaving out in the cold the a large number of men who might not identify with any of these masks. I found that some of Howes's anecdotal "I'm just like the rest of you" stories rang a little false. Also, the fact that he uses bold font for his "strongest" points was bothersome. There were a few really great points throughout (often not the same ones as Howes puts it bold, though) and conceptually this book has potential. But for me, it didn't hit the mark. Overall, wouldn't recommend.

[Peter · Rating 1 out of 5]

I made my way painfully through this entire book because I've been on a reading quest to better understand multiple perspectives about masculinity.

Here's the short version so you can save yourself the time of reading this. Bro-ish straight dude wakes up to the fact that what he's been taught about being a man has caused him some pain in his life. So, he goes about interviewing a bunch of guys whose identities are grounded in Patriarchal masculinity to create a typology of the ways men are harmed by the boxes sexism creates.

His typology is decent, and he has some examples that resonated with me as a queer man who lives outside the world view of this self-proclaimed alpha.

The real problem I have with this book is that it's all focused on how the bros can be better bros without giving up any of their privilege or power. He mentions people of color, alludes to non-binary folks, and nods that queer folks exist. And then proceeds to say, but I'm no expert their so I'm not touching that. As for cis-women, they're included as accessories to the bros they love.

I read a few other reviews that suggest Lewis Howes is well intended. I can't speak to that. I can say that his impact is negative and he should be accountable for writing a book that should have everything to do with folks with non-dominant identities that basically excludes them all together.

[Guy-Luc Thériault · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading The Mask of Masculinity by Lewis Howes in 2022 truly transformed my perspective on life. From the moment I opened it, I felt an immediate connection, and I’ve since revisited it six times. Each chapter resonates deeply with different parts of my own journey, as though Howes is mirroring many of the struggles and challenges I’ve faced. His candid exploration of the emotional masks men wear—particularly the constant pressure to be competitive—was eye-opening for me.

For any man who’s ready to let go of the burden of always being “tough” or “on top,” I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s a powerful guide to discovering your authentic self and finding peace within. The Mask of Masculinity might just help you break free and find yourself in ways you never expected.

[Anel Kapur · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thought provoking.

[Rodrigo García Puerta · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book that definitely defies the common and normalized concept of what it means to be a man. This book helped me to face my insecurities, my fears and vulnerability.

Definitely I’d recommend this book to any man who wants to truly work on discovering his true self, and to any woman who wishes to understand her man and to know how to help to build a new concept of what it means to be a man.

This is a book mainly focused on man, but it is necessary for man and also woman to defy our social constructs and concepts. Question them and build new concepts that allow us to be more ourselves.

This book won’t solve your problems but it will give you a very practical set of tools that if you apply them to your life (man or woman), you’ll get to know yourself better and allow you to strengthen your relationship with yourself and with the ones around you.

My key take aways from this book are: we all have a purpose and we all can find meaning in our lives, but we have to get in to our holes, scars and wounds accept them and work them. In order to do that we have to recognize our behavioral patterns and question why we do what we do, why we say what we say, is it because I want to appear a certain kind of person? Is it because I want to demonstrate something? And reconstruct patterns that we are truly convinced that match with ourselves and abandon those behaviors that are not aligned with our values. And finally understanding that all these work is to live a happier and fulfilled lives for ourselves and for the ones we love and surround us. We all can serve, we all can build a better world, the best place to start is in ourselves.

[Malcolm Bradford · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid Read, with some actionable takeaways.

Very easy read and the voice/tone of the book is written in a way that anyone can pick it up and understand the points Lewis makes in each chapter.

The end of chapter summaries also make it nearly impossible to not at least pull 1 or 2 things from each chapter.

Lewis leverages his experience from interviewing thought leaders and industry leaders from his podcast, and extracts various masculinity lessons within these interviews and places them in individual chapters on ego, sexuality, arrogance, and other "masculine" topics.

The insight provided his podcast interviews add color and perspective throughout the book, but all his points are made at the subjective level from personal stories and anecdotes.

Personally, would've loved to see some more science, factual evidence, and cited studies to provide more objective evidence to Lewis points.

However, all in all definitely enjoyed the read and feel like I became more self-aware of some of the masks I hide behind in my everyday life.

[Connie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think women have to take some ownership of their role in shaping men's behavior, so this is an interesting read for anyone. Probably the most impactful statement in the book is that men die by suicide at a rate 6 times that of women. Furthermore, this is a US-specific phenomenon and there is a specific point in people's lives when the gender disparity appears. That right there should tell us all we need to be working harder to help each other be good humans regardless of gender. Each section of the book finishes with takeaways for men and for women and I liked that. I'm not a huge fan of the self-help/advice/guru genre, and this isn't a book I'll rush to recommend to my close friends and relatives, because like many in its style it's just sort of a collection of observations that may or may not seem useful or applicable, but I'd say if the premise appeals to you, you'll probably find at least a few good takeaways and it's a quick read so give it a go.

[Blake · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is no way I could spoil this book without reading. The way Lewis Howes addresses the many different masks we where as men brought cause for deep reflection in my own life when addressing the root of my behavior. I suddenly brought into question all of the reasons why I responded the way I do to any situation based on events that I had not realized heavily influenced me and shaped me from my childhood. While not all masks were completely relevant to me, I have found that the understanding of each has allowed me to better relate to the people I love and care for. Once you address and accept the emotional triggers that have cultivated your behavior today, you’ll find yourself to be more in tune with who you are. I have read no better book that allows me to truly know myself while discovering what I stand for so that I can move forward confidently in life.

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this book, the author, Lewis Howes, culminates the wisdom of many famous athletes, entrepreneurs, billionaires, marine corps, etc and creates an insightful book that holds an honest mirror.

The author shines the limelight on modern day definition of masculinity and unveils the curtains of the insidious dark connotations with toxic masculinity. His book is divided into nine acts and a conclusion that delves into specific masks of masculinity. Though this book is geared towards men, I do believe that women will derive great benefit reading this book as well. I believe EVERYONE should read this book, but especially boys.

[Chenh Hung Phat · Rating 5 out of 5]

An exceptional book about men’s mental health problems. Lewis has pointed out exactly prejudices men are struggling with and how to deal with those annoying social norms. This book would definitely help male readers to live a more comfortable life, and female readers to understand better their partners.

[little potato · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book explores what it is to be a man. Lewis Howes acknowledges the myths of masculinity and tells us what to do to remove the mask. Finally, the things you will discover when you drop those masks.

[Michael Cheney · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought it was really good but some things were a little more crass than I would've liked. I get that he's trying to appeal to a more general or typical male audience. All in all though, I think it has a really good message. Bring back more positive and respectful masculinity.

[micah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book honestly is an essential read for every man or even women.

We all carry around certain masks that we have yet to let go.

Thank you Lewis.

[Jonathan Björk · Rating 3 out of 5]

quite good for the basics on toxic masculinity but not much more

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great read. Very validating and non-judgmental.
Great introduction to the concepts and left me wanting to dive deeper.

[Lendoxia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lovely and useful. I would recommend this to both man and women. Yes there are more advanced books than this in the similar area, but I think this is a great starter to dip in the toes to start seeing stuff more clearly.

[Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helped me to understand how to remove the masks which are holding back my potential in life and in relationships, gave me and the woman in my life tips to help remove these.

[April · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been wanting to read this book for a while and finally got to it because of a confluence of things that occurred in the past 6 weeks. I learned about a program called Success Stories Program (there's a documentary on YouTube called "The Feminist in Cellblock Y") and this topic of masculinity within a patriarchal structure and how damaging it can be to all the genders. Lots of things to learn/unlearn. So glad this discussion is happening nowadays and we really get to look at what being human looks like--not necessarily masculine or feminine, but human.

“She [Glennon Doyle] said it requires taking apart what our culture has taught us about what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman. To realize how much we’ve been poisoned. To strip down to who we actually are. To be naked and unashamed in front of each other. That’s the kind of relationship I started to realize was possible if I learned how to take off my own mask. I wouldn’t have to apologize or hide my masculinity, but I also wouldn’t have to use it as a facade.” pg. xiv

“But almost every man has a story in which he learned—through pain, humiliation, or even force—how he does not measure up. When that happens to him, masks become more than a way to hide, they become armor. In this way, all men—each and every one of us, including myself—have worn or currently wear a variety of masks in order to endure the onslaught of expectations from the world and to live up to the definitions of what it means to be a man.” pg. 7

“Contrary to what much of our culture tells us, invulnerability was a weakness that threatened their success, not a strength that supported their achievements. The obvious irony is that from a place of vulnerability, many new ways of existing in the world open up: honesty, compassion, acting for the good of others and without ego, and the ability to heal from one’s own wounds.” pg. 13

“I do think there is something admirable in that mentality, in being strong. Some measure of strength does prevent you from falling apart like a house of cards. The problem is when that toughness doesn’t stop and it grows like cancer until it strangles all the other feelings. . . . When you’re young, you’re supposed to be able to lean on other people. Instead, we were taught that even the adults in our lives would be leaning on us. This meant the armor had to go up—and stay up—from the days of our earliest memories.” pg. 22

“But is a relationship really something to ‘deal with’? Do relationships actually stand in the way of our goals? Unhealthy ones, sure. But good relationships, with open communication, are the exact opposite. They help us deal with our dreams and reach our potential.” pg. 27-28

“This is when it all comes crashing down. The thing you used for years to define your worth and measure your masculinity—your prowess on the field—now is totally useless. It no longer applies. The idea that you’re only as good as you play might be motivating on the field, but off the field it’s devastating.” pg. 47

“We don’t respect self-care in men. We respect invincibility. . .” pg. 48

“Shame and uncertainty are only a few short steps away from depression and anxiety. Separately or together, those emotions can drive you to the brink. They can blot out everything else in your life and literally make you crazy.” pg. 68

“If I had to guess why those doubters are so obsessed, it’s because, if Tai’s story is true, then deep down, they don’t think they would be able to do the same things Tai has done. And that kind of self-doubt, especially to a man raised in our culture, is too crippling not to project outward onto others.” pg. 69

“I like having nice things myself, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting them or having them. But they are not the things that leave me fulfilled inside at the end of the day, and they don’t solve all my problems once I have them.” pg. 74

“She [Alanis Morissette] said it’s essential to have the proper definition of what success is for you, and that it should not be materialistic.” pg. 74

“You cannot purchase connection. And your net worth will never create self-worth, no matter how much the two might seem to be related.” pg. 76

“As Orison Swett Marden, one of the first great self-help writers, expressed it, ‘This is the test of your manhood: How much is there left in you after you have lost everything outside of yourself?’” pg. 79

“The road to freedom from the Material Mask is not an easy one, because at the end of the road is a healthy sense of self-worth, and that has always been a difficult issue for men in our culture. This issue is so hard because we have been taught to attach our self-worth to what we have and what we do, to our possessions, our roles in life, and our bank balances. What we need to realize is that we are valuable, regardless of what we have. We need to recognize that, while living behind the Material Mask, there will never be such a thing as ‘enough’ when it comes to a sufficient sense of self-worth as a man.” pg. 80

“The man armored by the Material Mask is attached to his results. When he achieves successful results, he feels like a winner, but when he experiences unsuccessful results, he feels like a loser. . . An insecure and unhappy man who achieves material success will remain insecure and unhappy.” pg. 81

“My reaction, I understand now, was born out of being victimized myself as a boy and not having the tools to deal with the pain and the shame. Aggression and anger were the only tools in my emotional tool kit.
A couple years later, I entered high school and found football. Because I was big and athletic, I could be good at it, but also, if I’m being honest, it allowed me to smash guys to the ground and be rewarded for this behavior. Football didn’t just allow it, it encouraged it. Contact sports were an outlet for all that anger I’d kept inside for so long.” pg. 115

“You do what you have to do to survive; it’s just a shame that we are so bad at equipping the men in our culture with the tools they need to deal with this pain in the first place.” pg. 135

“Like many people, I want to avoid being the dark cloud in other people’s lives, so I pretend things are sunny, even when they are obviously not. So I keep things light, or at surface level. I want to talk about other people. I want to focus on other people’s challenges because focusing on my own feels more vulnerable.” pg. 136

“‘We would propose that a major motive of comedians in conjuring up funniness is to prove that they’re not bad or repugnant,’ they [Seymour and Rhoda Fisher] wrote. ‘They are obsessed with defending their basic goodness.’” pg. 141

“It’s not just that comedy can help drown out their anxieties. It’s also that comedy can be a tool to keep a certain distance from people. Think about it: The class clown was the guy everyone wanted to be around, but he was also the one who seemed somewhat on his own. It was a strange paradox: People flocked to him to make them laugh, but no one was going to go to him when they were in a rough spot. He was the friend who could make you cry laughing, but you wouldn’t call him if you actually needed a shoulder to cry on.” pg. 142

“Sometimes joking isn’t about making fun of someone, it’s about making fun of a situation to disconnect ourselves from whatever uncomfortable emotion it creates in us. Guys in particular are great at this.” pg. 148

“You can’t just ignore the things you’re doing to yourself, to your loved ones, to your body, to your mind, to your reputation, and to your sanity . . . because they will catch up with you.” pg. 164

“In the book Men in Therapy, Richard Meth says, ‘The aggressive pursuit of power may produce prestige, authority, and money, but men rarely are aware of or even consider the negative consequences. External power frequently leads to self-neglect.’” pg. 164

“Want to be listened to? Want to have people hang on your every word? Hang on their words first. Listen to them—deeply. Pay attention to them—closely. You’ll find yourself dropping your [know-it-all] mask, being wiser for it, and, over time, being the guy whom people turn to when they need genuine advice. Because really, what people want most from their relationships with men—whether romantic or platonic—isn’t a repository of solutions to all their problems; it’s someone who will listen to them.” pg. 192-193

“Someone whose self-worth comes from his intellectual expertise, who cannot admit when he’s wrong or when he doesn’t know something, ultimately pays a heavy price in his relationships. True learning and connection become increasingly difficult as the Know-It-All Mask sinks deeper into their skin because all it does is create separation.” pg. 193

“Practice listening. Be flexible in your point of view. Be open to new thoughts, ideas, and strategies. Try to absorb and understand new ideas even if you don’t agree with them. The one constant in the world is change. If you stay stuck in your point of view, you will limit yourself and your growth. Empty your cup, as the Buddhists would say. Have a beginner’s mind. It will help you relate to people and connect to them as a result. Doing this will bring more joy into your life than any amount of knowledge. And as Einstein famously said, ‘Imagination is more important than knowledge.’ People who hide behind the Know-It-All Mask often seem to be hiding from the idea that they might have a limited imagination.” pg. 194

“Women: Remind him what is important to your relationship and that it’s better to be kind than to be right all the time. Let him know that you won’t love or care about him less if he doesn’t know something. Also, take time to explain your point of view; he might not have considered things from your perspective.” pg. 194

“They want to stick with what they know. It’s fear that the other muscles they are going to start building aren’t going to pay off and the muscle they’ve already built is going to weaken. But the reality is that the more well-rounded you are, the more attractive you’ll be. Women are attracted to the guy who will be gentle with her and look after her and make her feel safe, open up to her emotionally and talk to her, while at the same time being a fighter when he needs to be. That’s the guy who she thinks is a god. What makes you a unicorn is not doing one thing really well, it’s the combination of things that are all found in you that nobody else has.” pg. 206 [Matthew Hussey]

“It’s my belief that every book should begin from a pain point. A book that is intended to lecture or preach or theorize—what good is that to a reader? Does it really do anything for the author? I don’t think it does.
This book began from an acute pain point.” pg. 214

“When I hear people talk about transformations and epiphanies, I am naturally suspicious. It doesn’t work like that in my experience. I think it takes more than reading a book or attending a seminar to change a life. A drastic experience is not enough either. There must be experience plus time, plus work . . . plus a real desire to change.” pg. 215

“If you were on your deathbed today, knowing that you were going to die tomorrow, and you wanted to measure what kind of man you were and what kind of success you had in life, it’d come down to two things and two things only.
The first is this: On that deathbed you recognize that all of life is about relationships. It’s about the capacity to love and be loved. What’s it mean to be a man? It means you can look somebody in the eye and say ‘I love you’ and receive that love back.
You know what the questions you ask at the end of your life are? They’re not about awards or achievements or applause or what you accumulated. They’re all questions of relationships. What kind of husband was I? What kind of father? What kind of partner? What kind of son? What kind of friend? Who did I love and who did I allow to love me?
The second comes down to this: At the end of your life you want to be able to look back on your life and know that you made a difference. That you left some kind of mark, some kind of imprint, that you were here. All of us want to leave some kind of legacy behind.” pg. 216-217 [Joe Ehrmann]

“Let us revere the one who loves others deeply, loves himself deeply, and has a dream that he is inspired to live with and by and through. His is a man.” pg. 219

“No, the masculine man goes through a journey, a process of self-discovery, and figures out what he needs to do to acquire the tools, knowledge, wisdom, grace, love, passion, and joy to pursue his destiny. His destiny is his dreams. Those may evolve over time, but in their pursuit, he is not breaking down anyone else or hurting anyone else. He is not at war with other people, conquering them. He is the one joining forces, searching for the win-win. He is the one who is lifting others up, inspiring others through his journey and his own process (in which he is finding ways to create value along the way). He is the hero of his own journey. And in so being, he is looking for every way to have the best relationships possible with his family, friends, his romantic partner, his colleagues, or his customers. He’s finding ways to be the best possible version of himself.” pg. 219-220

Book: borrowed from SSF Main Library.

[Florin Cristian · Rating 5 out of 5]

like many things, best time to read 10 years ago, 2nd best time now :)