The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain and Illness

by Miriam Kaufman

For everyone, men and women of all ages and sexual identities, The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability covers the span of disabilities - from chronic fatigue and back pain to spinal cord injury, multiple sclerosis, cystic fibrosis, cerebral palsy, and many others. Heres everything you need to know to create a sex life that works for you: Building a positive sexual self-image; Sexual positions to minimize stress and maximize pleasure; Anatomy, orgasm, masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, vaginal penetration; How to deal with fatigue, pain, and spasms during sex; Where to find partners and how to talk to your partners about sex and disability; Adapting sex toys to make them work for you; Making sex safe - emotionally and physically; Exploring yoga, Tantric sex, and S/M play; How to discuss sex with physicians and other health care providers; Safer sex solutions for people with latex and chemical sensitivities; UPDATED! The most extensive collection of sex and disability resources available, including hundreds of books, websites, and organizations.... Can you use a condom with a catheter? How do you have intercourse in a wheelchair? This detailed guide answers questions that the nondisabled cant imagine.... The overall message: there is no right way to have sex. Individuals need to discover what sex is for them and give themselves permission to consider anything as a sexual experience.

Genres: Disability, Nonfiction, Sexuality, Self Help, Health, Psychology, LGBT

710 pages, Paperback

First published December 2, 2003

Reviews

[Kristy · Rating 4 out of 5]

The number of books written about sex, sexuality and disability is disappointingly low. I enjoyed this book because it definitely understands many of the challenges that people with disabilities face, especially when it comes to being taken seriously sexually. It was pleasantly surprising to see chapters on alternative sex, being queer, and spirituality. Many of the concepts in this book apply to non-disabled people as well. The section that lists resources, while out of date, is huge and many of the entries are still very useful.

The only criticisms I have are: I found the book to be a bit basic (to me). I felt there were some strange omissions on certain subjects. At some points, it felt like an academic was trying too hard to use "slang" type language and it didn't flow. These are minor problems though.


Side note, I appreciate that the book was written by three Canadian women, two of which have direct experience with disabilities.

[Elf M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wanted to give this book five stars, but I can't. Not because it isn't a fabulous book, but because the topic under consideration is just way too large to handle inside its 350 pages. The chapter titles sorta give away the story: each is about a particular kind of sex; after the first 70 pages, which deal with the emotional aspects of being disabled and still wanting sex, and the legitimacy of wanting sex when you're disabled, the rest of the book comes across as a mainstream how-to, along the lines of the still-fabulous Guide to Getting It On, only with the occasional aside about how to manage this-or-that issue when you have this-or-that disability; the usual rundown of masturbation, intercourse, oral sex, sex positions for managing various disabilities; sex toys, kink, safer sex, and dealing with violent or abusive partners.

What I really wanted was a book more along the lines of How to Fuck When You Have Disability X, where "X" could be anything: MS, fibromyalgia, epilepsy, Parkinsons, blindness, etc. Or, perhaps even more trenchant, How To Fuck Someone With Disability X, because this book really doesn't do much to help the partners of the disabled other than to join in the "Yes, you're a sexual being and yes, you deserve sexual pleasure and yes, there are men and women who like you just as you are and would fuck you just as you are" cheerleading. (Note that I'm using "fuck" here generically; feel free to mentally substitute "make love to," "have sex with," "kiss," "suck," "lick," "sodomize," or whatever you want instead.)

This book is pretty much a first of its kind. I hope for more someday. It's a good start, but the world still needs a great finish.

[Astrosleuththepoet · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not a bad read, as I can relate to having some form of disability or setback.
But, nothing is written exclusively about males with mental disabilities such as
Asperger's or Autism. Deals more with physical disabilities....a good read if the latter type of disabilities affect you though.

[Allie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This review was written for Happy Bodies and for the Carleton Gender and Sexuality Center.

A lot of things are tied up in sex. There are emotional considerations, the physical interaction, gender stereotypes, and personal pleasure (plus a whole lot more). There are also a lot of things tied up in disability. Physical and mental pain, fatigue, self-esteem, societal stereotypes, and day to day interactions with the world (again, plus a whole lot more).

Able-bodied sexual interactions can be plenty complicated. When you add disability or chronic illness (which are already a part of the daily lives of many people), things can get really stressful, even to the point where it can even feel like sex and living with a disability are incompatible. A really crucial part of any healthy sexual experience is to be able to communicate what you want and need. This is especially true when you have a disability, because your needs are often not met without additional effort. This book provides support and encouragement alongside expert advice, all aimed at helping people living with disabilities and chronic illness to create a healthy sex life that works for them.

Much of the advice is aimed at general areas that affect wide ranges of disabilities: pain, fatigue, mobility, self-esteem, and communication. But no one section of the book has just one potential solution to a problem, and there are often sections dedicated to particular disabilities. Instead there are suggestions based on different factors (like comfort, relationship, etc.) alongside specific information from experts and plenty of resources. One of the best parts of the book is the different sexual positions based on ability, and tons of tips about masturbation, toys, and getting to know your body and your body’s schedule.

This book makes it clear that sex and pleasure are not lost causes for people with disabilities and are, in fact, very possible. The book is encouraging and supportive, and makes a point to address the unique concerns of self-esteem and communication often associated with disability. The book is tremendously helpful for anyone with a disability or chronic illness, or anyone engaging in sexual relationships with partners with disabilities or chronic illnesses. It’s sex-positive, easy to read, and recognizes that all people deserve to have healthy sex lives, regardless of ability.

[Corey · Rating 2 out of 5]

While much of the information in the book is good, a lot of it is outdated. The language itself is extremely gendered and the authors almost always specify "a man's penis" or "a woman's vulva" when these same segments could convey the information just as accurately without assigning gender to specific anatomy.

Also the glossary at the end explicitly says the words "we think asexual is a terrible term" which is not something anyone writing a sex education book should ever be writing about an already stigmatized sexual identity.

[Mobbs · Rating 3 out of 5]

Primarily helpful in reframing disability & sexuality for cishet people with physical disabilities.
Pros: thoughtful questions & exercises, good for examining one's own preconceptions of disabled sexuality (helpful for poking at internalized abelism.)
Cons: aggressively cisnormative. Moralistic language. It's from the 2000s, so that's to be expected, but it can be jarring if you're not used to it. I would also have loved to see intellectual disabilities & neurodiversity addressed too, instead of just physical disabilities.

[Ann Alton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written, thoughtful, inclusive and non-judgmental, this is a must read for anyone working with folks with disabilities, or any one with a disability or chronic condition. The focus is to better know yourself, and to have the courage to ask for what you need, and put shame aside. Sexuality is one way to explore this world and and to pleasure in it. Determining what is right for you, safely and consensually is key.

I particularly liked that there was a whole chapter dedicated to assault and working through it. People with disabilities and chronic conditions are poked and prodded, so saying no becomes more difficult, even taboo.

[Katrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

i think this book is important and engaging for everyone to read, disability or not. the understanding and analysis of sexuality in this book is thoughtful and holds truth for everyone in my opinion. another great example where understanding, education and care for how a highly affected community relates to an issue (in this case a community extremely misunderstood, negatively affected, and often flat out invisible when it comes to sex) greatly expands and raises the understanding, education and care about sex for all of us!

[Annamarie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a fabulously informative book. It's written for people with disabilities who might not otherwise have access to information about their bodies or sex so it was amazingly comprehensive. I even discovered some assumptions that I didn't know I had that were challenged by this book. I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to learn more about sexuality, disabled or not.

[Cayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

I usually try not to rate non fiction because most of the time it includes life experiences. This book does too. I am rating this 5 stars because of its inclusiveness. One author is a part of the physical disability community. One is a member of the chronic illness community. The third runs an inclusive sex store. The book is filled with experiences from people in the respective communities. The book made me feel seen and gave me hope. This book was published in 2007. So the way resources suggested in the final chapter, may be accessed differently today.

[Kuu · Rating 3 out of 5]

thought it would be more scholarly than it was ://

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm sure this book was very current at the time of its publication, but now 20 years later, the landscape of disabled and queer language and needs has changed quite a bit. I appreciated the excerpts from disabled folks with a wide range of disabilities. The sections on communication and on the basics of sexual safety and education were done well, and would be helpful if your sexual education was very limited. It appears that the authors did try to include a wide variety of disabilities in each of their suggestions. More on that later.

My biggest critique is in the chapter on yoga and tantra; in one breath they critiqued Western uses of Eastern practices and in the next breath said to "take what you like and leave the rest", instilling in me very little confidence that the presentation of yoga and tantra was done accurately and respectfully.

Some of the other suggestions for folks like me with chronic pain and fatigue basically amounted to 'change positions to support yourself and know when to rest' which... thanks, I'm sure we've all tried that. The actual positions discussed were primarily for folks in wheelchairs, which is great, but I had hoped that the section on intercourse would have more than 4 positions given the range of disabilities discussed. Masturbation and oral had a chapter each so it's not like the practical pieces were in short supply, but that section had a surprisingly small number of ideas.

I'm sure folks with other disabilities have seen the inadequacy of this book in addressing their concerns. That seems to be the risk they ran by taking a very large topic, with a lot of disabilities and identities represented, and trying to fit it in 300 pages. Perhaps leaving out the problematic tantra section would have let them squeeze in more material relevant to some disabled folks who were less represented.

Overall, I learned a few new things and would like to find something similar without the problematic tantra section, a little more current LGBTQ+ inclusivity, and ideally more helpful information for chronic pain and fatigue if that's one of the categories marketed to.

[Sandra]

I hoped for more. It's good that a book like this is written, and it had a lot of good information in it, but the title seems to be too ambitious for what it read like to me. Maybe it says more about me and the things I've read than about the book, but I didn't learn anything new from it.

The audio version didn't do the book good, all the interview fragments didn't stand out from the general text and I was often left with the impression, that I'm reading something from a person who is poor, man, arthritic, lesbian, rich, half paralysed, etc. Not a good impression when it's so many people with so many different conditions.

I found it had way too much on the BDSM scene (of New York?) for such a general and supposedly introductory guide, hardly any mention of any other fetishes, and a dismissal of the term "asexual", as if sex was something inherently good for all people.

I'm left with the feeling that for problems that were discussed (lack of privacy, lack of access to internet) there were no tangible answers provided.

It's a good book in that it reassures people with disabilities, that they are still adults and it's all right for them to want sex, that sex takes meny differnet forms and sexual experiences don't need to be of just the one heteronormative vaginal penetration kind, and probably some forms can be found that accomodate any kind of disability. It's a good book in that it cites many peoples different experiences and assures that noone is alone in that. It's a good book for mentioning kink can be a normal part of sexuality too.

I guess I just had too high expectations for a book with "the Ultimate" in it's title and all I'm disagreeing with is the balance between the topics discussed.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

It covered a wide range of topics and had a good understanding of disability issues overall. My only problem with this book is that it didn't go into as much depth as I would have liked. It seemed a bit like basic sex ed with disability and a few other things tacked on, which I can appreciate it is still a good resource, especially for people looking for a general education on sexuality in the context of disability. Though for me, with the chronic illnesses I have, I found it a little bit outdated and underwhelming. While it is a good general resource, I didn't really find that much in it that addressed my specific concerns (or only very superficially). Though of course, I understand there is such a huge variety of disabilities out there and it can affect someone's sexuality in many different ways so of course that would be a huge scope to cover in just book. I think it's great this book is out there, though I feel like a more modern, comprehensive book could be better (if something like that even exists which it probably doesn't lol).

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very basic sex-ed, but with disabilities in mind. Maybe not great for people who become disabled at a later age and are already very familiar with their sexual health and don't want to read all the basics again. But I think exactly this is what makes it a good book for younger disabled people for whom 'regular' sex-ed has not been informative and inclusive enough. It can also be an okay resource for anyone working in healthcare to learn how to combat prejudices and how be more helpful.

I wish they'd make an updated version though, because all of the stuff about the internet, dating, mail-ordering, newspaper ads, etc. is very outdated!

[Heather Ross · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book, found it informative and helpful. Having said that I offer a but, I was looking for specific helps, tips, positions etc and was disappointed. My partner and I each have physical limitations, and he has a degenerative condition. We were looking for things to add to our sex life without adding/ that might reduce, physical pain. Ah well, Such is life.
I will definitely be donating a copy to the local library because to me the information in this book is incredibly important!

[Del Ruhdorfer · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very comprehensive guide, written in simple and accessible language.

The book could be updated to include some new concepts and to be more inclusive towards queer people, the sexual spectrum, and people with intellectual disabilities. Other than that, most people should read this book and it would be good to use this book as a teaching aid for highschool students.

[Luna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of the language in the book used around LGBT+ folks/topics are outdated and there's not much acknowledgement of nonbinary folks/experiences. Beyond this, the book was informative and touched on some really important and interesting stuff.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

More people should read these kinds of informative books. I think it will make people more aware of the disabled being just like everyone else with the same needs and desires.

[Katy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Unfortunately this book tried to do too much and speak to too many people. It lacked a clear audience and was peppered with too many anecdotal stories and not enough research. Highly problematic value statements abound with zero reference or citations (things like “some men enjoy nipple stimulation but many worry it makes them gay. We promise it doesn’t make you gay”). In this same section there was also clear misinformation about ‘female nipples having a small hole where milk can come out’) Which is just plain incorrect.

This book also had a voice and tone that reminded me of an older person trying to use terms to help them seem more relatable to a younger person. Words like cock instead of penis, cum instead of orgasm, hard instead of erect, made the book feel rudimentary and like it was written for a young person exploring their body and sexuality for the first time rather than for an adult looking for a practical guide to sex with pain/disability.

This book is especially NOT for you if you are newly disabled/dealing with mobility issues/chronic pain but are experienced with sex. If there is anyone who may possibly benefit from this book it would be a person who wants an anecdotal “lay of the land” so to speak, on sex as a disabled person with limited or no experience. But even then I’d hesitate to recommend based on outdated information alone.

[Make Your Move! Missoula · Rating 5 out of 5]

This an incredibly affirming book about sexuality and intimacy. The authors are very cognizant of the trauma or hurt that may exist when someone is thinking of your own body, and its impact on your sexuality. Furthermore, the authors have really constructed a guide where each reader is centered as the expert of their own body, pleasure, and sexuality. Different ways to approach intimacy are normalized, as are a wide variety of relationships and kinks.

While it is impossible for any book to be an *ultimate* guide, this books does provide a brief overview of the ways many different conditions can impact intimacy and strategies to incorporate during sex. It also utilizes narratives from folks who have a chronic illness, chronic pain, or a disability to help guide the reader.

Of note: the text is out of date (having been originally written over fifteen years ago!), which means that terminology and content is not always accurate. When used in addition to other resources - in print and online - this books still remains highly recommended.

[Timothy Lo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great source of information for all people, able or non able, to understand more about themselves and their relationship with their own sexuality. It is written in a welcoming, fun and informative manner that is suitable for all audiences.

Specifically, this book provides great insight into the needs and wants of those who live with disabilities and chronic illnesses/pain; There are many points that people who are able bodied may never even consider at all.

One thing to keep in mind is that terminology changes and this book uses transgendered when it refers to trans/transgender people. Transgendered is an outdated and can be offensive in 2020 and best avoided.

Instead using trans/transgender would be preferred today. For more info on the evolution of this terminology: https://time.com/3630965/transgender-...

[NeuroDicey HomeschoolLife · Rating 3 out of 5]

As an overview, this is fantastic. If you're recently disabled, been disabled for a long time and haven't been having sex, or are the partner of a disabled person, there's ton of info here that will be helpful. Unfortunately since it's an overview of most disabilities all rolled into one, there's less specific info than I was hoping for our situation.

We both have chronic pain conditions and have been together for 20+ years, so the info about talking to your partner about what hurts and what doesn't (communication is a problem for all couples, able bodied or not) and the tips on using toys are sort of old hat for us.

It would have been more helpful for us in particular if there were specific positions that avoid cramping / pain or other things we could do that are sexual but won't cause a flare up and unbearable pain the next day.

[Gabrielle Kassel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm currently taking a sex & chronic illness class as part of my master's of human sexuality course-load this semester. As both a student and queer sex journalist with more than a decade working as a sex educator and writer, I loved this book as book a professional resource for myself as well as an inclusive/ accessible resource for clients.

The paperback edition of the book was initially published in 2007; the only real place its age shows is in the limitedness of the genderqueer, trans, and non-binary representation. (Much of the language is quite cis-centric, with "man" and "woman" being used throughout). Still, I'd recommend this to anyone interested in expanding their pleasure worlds, minds, etc.

[Shahan Aaron · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a really good starter book in the exploration of your sexuality for anyone with a disability. Not much information on vision loss but plenty for other physical disabilities. This book does a really good job of including LGBTQ and disabilities.

Most books on disabilities and sex are very heteronormative. I found this book to be very inclusive in language and tonality. Highly recommend it.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

very, very basic. i think if you needed a general introduction to sex or masturbation as any type of person, disabled or otherwise, it would be a good intro. but as a "disability" book, i was looking for more. positions to try if X. sex toy modifications if X. websites to look at for further advice (their "resources" section is pretty out of date as of 2018).

[Aly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good beginner’s guide, dispels stigma and exploration. I wish it had included more on chronic pain conditions, sexual health conditions and mental health, but it does a fine job of addressing most other conditions and how sex can be and should be enjoyable, exploring pleasure, and defining what sex looks like for you.

[Pirl · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of the terminology (and acephobia) (and how it relates to the internet) was outdated but it was an interesting read. Overall extremely rudimentary and would really only recommend to people who truly know very little about sex and related subjects. 3.5 stars

[Cardyn Brooks]

https://www.romancedailynews.com/sing...