Codependence and the Power of Detachment

by Karen Casey

A codependent lives """"as if""""- as if what others think matters more than what they think, as if they can please or change someone else, as if they have to answer to another person or persons rather than their own inner voice and Higher Power. It's an insidious and pervasive addiction. And there is a simple way out of it - detachment. Karen Casey takes us through the steps of detachment - admitting our attachment, surrendering outcome, forgiving, focusing our attention on what works. When we give up judging others, we become accountable for our own behavior and let others-spouses, family, coworkers - be accountable for themselves. The power of detachment is a power anyone can claim. It's the power of sanity, of peace, of finding our own inner strength. Casey shares insights and tools she's discovered in her own decades of sobriety and in talking with dozens of other codependents. Her unique treatment of this much talked about but not clearly understood syndrome focuses not on naming or on cause, but on the individual's own power to detach from the bad situation and make a choice for recovery. Codependence and the Power of Detachment is sure to become the new classic in the field.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Unfinished, Mental Health

276 pages, Paperback

First published August 1, 2008

About the author

Karen Casey, Ph.D., has spoken on spirituality, relationships, and personal growth for more than twenty years. She is the author of twenty books devoted to the enhancement of one's personal and spiritual journey.

Her first book, Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women has sold more than three million copies. Casey is a popular public speaker on the spirituality conference circuit, and she is passionate about helping others in Twelve Step support groups where her own recovery from addiction began more than three decades ago. Cultivating Hope: Weekly Readings to Open Your Heart and Mind is her latest book.

She shares her time between her homes in Minnesota and Florida.

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book has no real value unless your codependency issues relvolve around alcoholism. Which is fine, but I wish the author would have titled it as such or at least listed something in the description. The issues of alcoholism and codependency go together, but not all codependency issues center on alcohol or even involve it at all. I gave up on reading this book a quarter of the way in when I realized EVERY SINGLE EXAMPLE of codependency and letting go revolved around alcohol. I can see how some people would find it useful but for me it was not at all.

[Poppy]

Each chapter is very like the chapter before it. Each is a story of someone with a problem with alcohol. The book is devoid of adressing codependence in other situations. In addition, each of the stories is brief and cursory. I would have learned much more with more details and fewer stories.

[Maria · Rating 1 out of 5]

Didn't make it past page 41...doesn't address roots of codependency or really what detachment is or how to practice it. Recommend Pia Mellody's book Facing Codependence.

[Annie · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were a few salient points for people who are dealing with codependency but not with alcoholics or alcoholism, which the other reviewers have complained rightly that the book is focused on. The stories of the alcohol abuse and usually one or two failed marriages reminded me of how fortunate I was to be dumped by my ex who was the child of two alcoholics and somewhere on the road between denial and his own alcoholism.

I liked the way that most of the chapters included a quote from the person about what detachment for them meant or looked like. Even if there isn't new information on codependency, the different stories illustrate different patterns of codependent behavior.
"I have learned how to make a different choice when I am tempted to let the behavior of others determine what my next act will be." (page 11, from the author herself)
"When we are willingly, obsessively encumbered by the emotional presence of the other person, we cannot have clarity about our own lives." (23)
*Barbara* "defines detachment as 'not claiming to be a victim.'" (47)
For Anna, she had to let go of judging other people, and learn to say to herself "it will be okay" about the minor things that her family and co-workers do that irritate her.
Rose calls detachment an "acquired habit."
"Every time we take on someone else's responsibility, we are keeping them stuck, and in the process making a hostage of both of us. It is not easy to let the addict mature, but we must. We are harming him or her every time we step in and bring order to the chaos he or she created." (34)

[Lucia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I assigned myself some reading in the Al-Anon vein, due to pain / grief I'm going through as the family member of more than one long-term addict.
I believe that most women (and a few men) are raised to be self-abandoning "codependents" in this culture, whether we individually identify as such or not.

So here I am, attempting to learn. Attempting to be compassionate, productive, healthy, and loving-but-not-a-doormat.

(Constructive advice and book / podcast recs from friends is welcome!)

[Elesha · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF. The chapters are broken down into people's stories, which I'm not into. I didn't find there was a lot of concrete suggestions or information. It's based around Al-Anon (which is ok) and has a Christian slant (which I don't like). I feel there is better information about codependency out there.

[jane werther · Rating 2 out of 5]

2/3🌟

[James Worth · Rating 1 out of 5]

Though there bits of good advice to be found hidden in this 'book' I simply cannot in good faith give it anything but a terrible review. The title and the book's description are wildly deceptive. Nowhere on either cover is it indicated that this is just a series of stories about people who were alcoholics or loved ones of alcoholics and how they learned detachment only through AA or Al-Anon meetings. And while there are some potentially interesting tools in here for people suffering from addiction, because the book presents itself as an overarching analysis and look into Codependency and Detachment at large, it insinuates that alcoholics and loved ones of alcoholics are the only people who experience codependency and that the only way to achieve detachment is to attend Al-Anon meetings. In short, the book is deceptive and frankly a bit cult-y. It's a giant advertisement for Al-Anon and offers very little advice beyond 'Go to Al-Anon and listen to people who have been indoctrinated for years! They'll help indoctrinate you too!' For anyone who picks this book up looking for tools for breaking free of codependency and is shocked to find that they are supposed to be a loved one of an alcoholic to relate at all to the series of stories from people that this one woman knows, don't be shocked! You were simply misled. Codependency and substance abuse do go hand in hand and its important to look at how those play out together. But there are so many more pathways to detachment than attending Al-Anon meetings and following twelve step programs that often work solely to recruit vulnerable people into religion. And more people could benefit from examining their own codependency tendencies that alcoholics! Maybe like everyone who bought this book assuming it was for anyone interested in detachment! Am I walking away from this with a better idea of detachment and what that might look like for me? Sure! But I am literally an alcoholic so it was almost accidentally good for me. Don't judge a book by its cover. Judge it by whether or not that cover is straight up lying to you about the contents of that book. Anyway, I can't control what other people do. So using the principles of this book, I am going to attend an Al-Anon meeting to figure out how to stop being upset at the author of this book for deceiving people into joining religious cults.

[Carrie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is dated and mistitled.

Wouldn't you think you'd learn how to set boundaries based on the title? I did.

No, this is a collection of stories of people who've dealt with co-dependency and alcoholism. It felt like one big advertisement on how AA and Al-Anon has worked for others. I don't have much of an opinion on programs such as these.

Sure, the processes that are outlined in those programs may teach one how to detach and set boundaries; but the author should have showed the connection of the two rather than rattling off the 12 steps and gave examples of alcoholics' lives and recovery processes.

Because of this, I almost stopped half way through. I didn't want to hear another story of someone's rock bottom or misunderstanding of these programs and return to them. I only kept going because I was listening on audio and doing other things while (half) listening.

There is a lot of talk about letting God take hold of your life, too, which why set boundaries at all, then?

I felt like although there are some good nuggets of info, even for those who don't confront alcoholism everyday, the subtitle is misleading. Maybe it should read: Codependence and the Power of Detachment: Success Stories from AA & Al Anon

[jessiah marielle · Rating 2 out of 5]

the greatest flaw of this book is simply being mistitled.

based on external appearance alone, you would and should expect practical guidance on setting boundaries in a broad sense, but most of the content is centered almost exclusively on codependency in the context of alcoholism. while there are valuable lessons you can extract from the book in general—like not letting someone’s actions dictate your day, how others’ judgements say more about them than you, and remembering that you can’t control other people’s choices—these moments are scattered between repetitive stories that all circle back to alcohol recovery.

if you’re specifically looking for personal accounts of detachment and boundaries within alcohol-related relationships, this could be useful. but if you’re looking for a more general, wide-reaching book on boundaries, i suggest looking elsewhere, as this book is not the comprehensive resource on detachment it seems to market itself…

however i do appreciate that she writes about relationships with God—how you are less affected by others’ opinions because you already know you are loved and treasured by Him. i think it’s an interesting take to consider :)

[Laura K. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I stopped reading about halfway through because each story or vignette is similar to the one before it. Once you've read a few there's no reason to read on. There are some inspiring stories from people who have used the power of detachment to stop enmeshment in other people's lives. However, there is not much meat here and the repetitive nature makes it unworthy of a book this length.

The positive for me was that the book acknowledges God and how leaning on Him can help. I imagine that would be a drawback for many others.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this is a good book for individuals new to learning about codependency and seeing similarities to other's situations in a simplied manner. Casey offers different stories of experience, strength, and hope that focuses heavily on dealing with a loved ones alcoholism. There a some nuggets of information in the book that will make you think. However, If someone is looking for something more indepth about codependency, this isnt the book. And it most likely bore those who are seasoned in their recovery.

[Trisha · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great book if your are specifically reading a book on codependency is relation to alcoholism. But as the other readers have noted, that is the primary focus of this book. Just wish it would have said that in the description so that I could have saved some time and found something more boundary related in general (: I recommend to anyone also looking for that, "Unfuck your boundaries" by Faith, G. Harper.

[Julie]

This is an expanded AA/Al-Anon pamphlet full of anecdotes from lives of alcoholics and the people who loved or tried to save them. It does not address co-dependence outside the context of alcohol abuse nor does it provide boundary-setting strategies beyond seeking out Al-Anon groups. I skimmed and quickly realized this was not of interest or use to me.

[Margot Note]

"A mind obsessively filled with the actions of others, whether we deem those actions good or bad, is never going to be peaceful. On the other hand, a mind that is focused on a Higher Power and joy and hope will always be peaceful and miraculously helpful, in the right way, to others on the path" (171).

[Belkisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

doesn’t really talk about codependency issues, the root cause or how to heal from them. all the stories are the same and it is mainly centered around alcoholism. it sounds like the author is trying to advertise going to Al-Anon.

[Arii Brown · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wish the title had something along the lines of alcohol recovery because it seemed like that's all this book talked about. It had some good aspects. Felt like I was reading/ listening to the same chapters over and over again.

[Kate · Rating 1 out of 5]

Just a poorly written piece of AA/Al-Anon propaganda.

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really liked the structure of this book and the examples shared. They are real life and various people sharing their experiences of overcoming. Great book!

[Caitlin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Easy read, but all examples involved alcohol.

[Wendy Lu · Rating 2 out of 5]

i mean its fine, just really effortful to sort out the evangelical protestant aa/al-anon stuff and the thoughtful stuff

[Isabel Batteria · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very revealing, although the insistence on going to Al-Anon, which is the backbone of the book, is lost on me because I'm an atheist.

[Ivi Charette · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the second book on boundaries I read. It is excellent!!! - I set me off on a journey that changed me so profoundly forever and I'm so grateful to have picked this book.

[Adam · Rating 2 out of 5]

Bit too much God and AA focus, felt like a pitch to attend AA. But the advice and stories told give good perspective and insight even when not applicable for alcoholism

[Gretchen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Important information and skills I need to build - but the delivery was MEH.

[Adrienna · Rating 2 out of 5]

I would recommend this book to those who are suffering from alcoholism, and addictions that are co-dependents of these addictions whereas they need to hear the sufferings from surreal people who share their stories to help you come out of these addictions. I did learn some things from the stories and mostly loved the parts that gave GOD the credit in the reading.

The author shared how she assumed AA would sole all her problems but had to go to the root of her problem--no matter how painful it would be. She also had a spiritual awakening, continuum of spiritual growth, and had to find her purpose-drive life.

"Control fix" was the co-dependency for the author. It also covered on being overly attached to feelings, opinions, worried about the actions of others--if we are like this, we have no life of our own. (Side note: There are too many people focused on the gossip in mags and reality shows instead of focus on self).

I loved the passage on "honoring the Spirit of God in them honors the spirit of God in ourselves."

This was an okay read since I am not in alcoholic anonymous but enjoyed reading some passages in reference to a Higher Power, our Creator, YHWH also the 12 steps sprinkled in the book as well as the back of the book was beneficial for anyone.

Leisure read 2016 (ebook version)

Adrienna Turner
Author of God is in the Equation
adriennaturner.net

[Cyndi · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book focuses on the concept of detachment, which is key in becoming free of co-dependent behaviors and relationship patterns. For that reason, I liked it. Most books, even highly technical ones, do not focus on detachment as this one does. Each chapter is a case study, a different person's story. It's a short book and an easy read.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book uses case studies to explain how people practice detachment in order to resist enabling others under the false impression that it is helping them. It also shows the importance of not losing one's self in relationships with others. Case after case is explained in detail, and it is easy to identify with various lives, backgrounds, behaviors, and coping strategies.

[Bridgett · Rating 3 out of 5]

A collection of accounts of how alcoholism affects individuals and families. Codependency is addressed alongside the alcoholism and detachment is emphasized as a healthy way of taking responsibility for your own life without taking responsibility for the lives of others.

[Candice · Rating 1 out of 5]

This reads like a collection of promotional pamphlets from AA. I am not an AA believer. I am not a believer in the Higher Power nor do I respond to simplistic slogans or groupthink. The only valuable sentence was “Do the next right thing”.