Queerly Autistic: The Ultimate Guide For LGBTQIA+ Teens on the Spectrum

by Erin Ekins

In this empowering and honest guide for LGBTQIA+ autistic teens, Erin Ekins gives you all the tools you need to figure out and explore your gender identity and sexuality.

From coming out to friends and family, staying safe in relationships and practicing safe sex, through to self-care and coping with bullying, being out and about in the LGBTQIA+ community and undergoing gender transition, this book is filled with essential information, advice, support and resources to help you on your journey, and also works as a primer on all things LGBTQIA+ for non-autistic teens who are just figuring it all out.

Written by an inspirational autistic queer woman, this is a must-read for every autistic teen wanting to live their very best queer life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Queer, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, LGBT, Disability, Self Help, Audiobook

240 pages, Paperback

First published April 21, 2021

Reviews

[megicshopp · Rating 2 out of 5]

The bi/pan lesbian part left me in such a sour mood. These labels are harmful to lesbians, bisexual + pansexual people. Even the definition for the label lesbian at the start of the book is incorrect (not all lesbians are women, many are non-binary) a better way to define this would be: a lesbian is a non-man attracted to non-men. The constant separation between cis and trans people in the book isn’t inclusive and can be used in the wrong way if the book is left in the hands of a person who isn’t familiar with LGBTQ+ discourse. The book isn’t even that helpful. It just skims over the basics. You can learn more from watching TikTok’ s from autistic people for free than spending your money on this overpriced paperback. The writing is also really confusing to comprehend ? I’m grateful someone’s gone out of their way to write a self help book for us but it’s a shame so many parts of it are left unedited.

[Anna]

This was a bit of a disappointment unfortunately. It reads more as a queer info 101 with itty bitty snippets of autistic experiences sprinkled in. I was really hoping for a book that delved deeper into how autistic people experience queerness and a different way and how being queer affects our autistic experience. But the only time autism is really mentioned is when there are discussions on how to communicate and it's this copy and paste statement of bring a friend or communicate digitally vibes.

This book is also incredibly repetitive. And by repetitive I mean the author took phrases and sayings and paragraphs and copy and pasted them in different chapters. So for example there's a whole chapter on sexuality and then there's a chapter on gender and the exact same phrasing is used in each chapter with the distinction of either being about sexuality or gender.

The other struggle I had with this was the almost forced inclusiveness. The author continuously said "women, cis and trans" or "men, cis and trans" and it kind of defeats the purpose. Trans men are men and trans women are women so why are you making a distinction?

I feel like this book will be helpful to a very select percentage of people. Those people will be formally diagnosed autistic kids and teens who are just learning about queerness. It is the most basic of basic information.

The author states at the beginning that she knew she was queer before she knew she was autistic and it really felt like this book took the opposite approach and assumed people were formally diagnosed as autistic and didn't know anything about queerness. I kind of wish she had written from her own experience rather than trying to write this FAQ section for Queer Autistics.

[abi · Rating 3 out of 5]

i honestly don't really know how to rate this.
some parts of it i am in total agreement with, and some parts of it are just so misinformed that it completely took me out of the reading experience.

i have minor gripes like the book being slightly repetitive in the advice and resources it gives but i'm sure that this will be helpful to some readers in developing their understanding. my most major concern however is the author's assertion that bi/pan lesbians are a thing.
they're not.

i do believe in the split attraction model, people can obviously have different romantic and sexual orientations (every ace person isn't also aro etc.), but lesbians are by default not interested in men romantically or sexually. sexuality can be confusing, but there are countless ways to define, including with umbrella terms like sapphic, wlw, or even gay.

it's hard to put into words but i just think that some aspects and opinions given in this book could be damaging to some readers.

[100procentSam · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am 25 but I related to the title so I figured I might give it a shot. I was kind of disappointed by the book. It gives a lot of general information about the LGBTQIA+ community, which is good, but autism is hardly mentioned at all in the book. I was hoping it would be discussed more thoroughly. But I can imagine that the book is very interesting if you’re a questioning teen who does not know much about either autism and/or the queer community.

[Pearson Bolt · Rating 3 out of 5]

A made-for-teens “handbook” on being queer and autistic, with more of an emphasis on the former than the latter. While I expected this text to be more of a synthesis of these identities, the book feels more geared towards young folks figuring out their sexuality/gender identity after already receiving an autism diagnosis. While the text gives a cursory look at LGBTQIA+ experiences and identities, the text doesn’t explore the autism spectrum to the same degree. I also wish the final chapter devoted more space to the intersections of queer liberation and disability justice.

That said, I think the book’s frank discussion of sexuality was refreshing and straight-forward and unpretentious. We listened to the audiobook with the kiddos on a drive and it seemed to really connect with them, which makes sense! After all, they’re the intended audience, not me.

A useful primer for young queer and questioning folks!

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good and informative read, I will definitely be passing this onto some of the young people I work with.

My one gripe is the constant use of women (cis and trans) and men (cis and trans). It's really unnecessary and a bit awkward - trans women are women and trans men are men. I cringed every time I read it. It reads as inclusive but seems to not be somehow?

[Sara Kelemit · Rating 4 out of 5]

Väldigt lättläst. Och jag lärde mig nya begrepp som alexitymi, split attraction, demisexuality. Och jag tänker att den här boken kan vara bra för så många fler än målgruppen (dvs de som befinner sig under den dubbla regnbågen) (också nytt begrepp för mig). Till och med såna ciskvinnor som jag lär mig nytt och förstår mig själv bättre. Erkänner att jag inte läste precis allt, det kändes inte nödvändigt för mig. Ibland tänkte jag att den kanske var lite väl basic, men eftersom jag fick rekommendationen av en vuxen person som identifierar sig som "under den dubbla regnbågen" tänker jag att det kanske faktiskt är bra med det enkla språket och tydligheten, speciellt för de unga personer som den i första hand riktar sig till.

[Rhiannon Dillon · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written, well explained book for LGBTQIA+ autistic teens and everybody else who would like to learn more about sexuality and gender in 2022. I know so many young people who will benefit greatly from this kind, sensitive and informative book.

[Unique Chimera · Rating 4 out of 5]

wish I had read this when I was a teenager.

[Eloise]

DNF @ 26%
I feel like a better title would be "autistically queer", because it's more about understanding queerness and the LGBTQ+ spectrum, rather than it being about being autistic (at least from what i've read so far and what it sounds like the rest of the book will discuss).
I picked it up for the autism side, as I already know A LOT about queerness but want to learn more about autism, so it just doesn't give me what i was expecting, but that doesn't make it bad.
This book clearly wants to be a good, kindhearted introduction to being queer for people who are discovering the community, don't really know much about it, or who are figuring things out. And on some fronts it's good. But on others it lacks some proof reading by concerned people. (ex: always saying "(cis and trans)" every time the word man or woman is used is counterinclusive, some other definitions also lack incluseveness).

[Nathaniel C · Rating 3 out of 5]

I initially decided to read this book because I was interested to learn more about the connections between Autism and LGBTQ+ identities. I knew that there were studies that showed correlations between Autistic people and people who identify as LGBTQ+. I specifically was interested in the similarities and differences in the social experiences of the intersectionality between these two identities. How do specific traits of Autism influence the self-discovery of LGBTQ+ teens? This book was written by a Queer and Autistic woman, so I thought I would get some deeper insights about this complex topic rather than from a study with purely data and no real voices from those who have lived it.

The book is essentially a social guide through the lens of an LGBTQ+ Autistic teenager. It explains the experiences of self-discovery, coming out and transitioning, friendships and relationships, and navigating the accepting and/or unjust parts of society, with experiences and influences of Autistic people as well. Every section is divided into many subsections, further dividing the topic into major sections. Other subsections may be common questions and answers about the topic. Also included are lists of books, websites, videos, resources, and more to continue learning and researching, as well as getting involved and taking action.

We’ll start with the positives. This book is the first one I’ve seen that covers both Autism and LGBTQ+ in an integrated way. It starts with basic knowledge for people unfamiliar, but does a deeper dive into the specifics. For example, the author has information on how coming out as an Autistic person is different because of different social skills, the navigation feelings in a relationship, and how to be safe and active in a changing society. There is also some more serious information regarding sex, mental health, and some general details on the basics of transitioning. It is good for a general audience, but has a wide range of resources and other sources to continue and more in-depth learning.

However, this book focuses more on LGBTQ+ identities than Autism, particularly in the beginning. In the sections about self-discovery and coming out, it does little to explain how society and social experiences of Autistic people influence self-discovery. From first hearing about the book to reading the description, I thought I would be getting more of that, and I was interested, but I wasn’t. The information that it did give, however interesting and/or helpful it was, was more general things about being LGBTQ+, not Autism specific, contrary to its title. While I do understand that this is a little bit of a nuanced topic, I assumed that there would be enough to make a book about.

That being said, if you do want to learn some general information, are Autistic or LGBTQ+ yourself, or want to know how you can be an ally, this book is a good starting place.

[Aubri · Rating 2 out of 5]

I would not give this book to anyone, teen or adult. The cis author spends perhaps half of the book talking about trans things while very often giving inaccurate information and propagating myths. She just regurgitated bad information from the internet.

I also found her tone to be infantalizing while also moralistic and full of black and white thinking (e.g., if someone is abusing you, you should directly communicate to them that you're cutting off communication because ghosting is bad). She framed coming out as being "fully honest" with people, as if we owe people our identities. She said that trans people are obligated to come out to all of their medical providers after changing their documents, or come out as queer and correct them if they make assumptions about the gender or body parts of your partner.

Similarly, she spreads misinformation about different aspects of sexuality, like "porn addiction", self-lubrication being "natural", or that a limp penis indicates a lack of interest. She thinks that cis people will be thankful to trans people in their lives for correcting them when they use the wrong pronouns, which is a blatant and obvious falsehood that isn't helpful to tell people.

She also REALLY needed a sensitivity reader for all that trans content she clearly didn't know - she used a number of words that are just not okay (including "micropenis" in reference to trans men) and had misperceptions about trans bodies and trans experiences. She was very quick to tell people who "think they're trans" to not rush into anything. She lacked any kind of analysis about her word choices and who uses those words (e.g., "biologically x").

The author also endlessly repeatedly said how everything must be "safe." Given that this was both never defined and repeatedly held up as the ultimate goal, I think our author may have some internalized ableism, perfectionism, and sex negativity/purity culture.

Overall, I enjoyed the first 15 minutes, then it hiccuped, record scratched, and it never came back. Me and the author wouldn't agree on almost anything.

[Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

A solid 4.5!
- Not too information-dense or too light
- The tone doesn't talk down to or infantilize teens as an audience, or neurodiverse folks
- Explanations don't assume the reader already understands terms (or potential nuance within "common" phrases), and reiterates terms & concepts in multiple chapters

I really like the thoughtful choices made to seek input from folks with identities other than the author's and give credit for that info throughout the book, and that every chapter points the reader not just to resources, but to people with lived experience they can follow/support.

[Mia Berkstresser · Rating 4 out of 5]

(Writing as an aroace, enby, autistic person.)
Highly recommend. She explains everything as if you've never heard it before, so you don't have to google what the basic terms like "bisexual" and "trans" mean or whatever before reading the book. And she's good at providing easily-understandable explanations without creating information overload or sacrificing the complexity and nuance of things. She also lists a whole lot of other resources throughout the book for anyone who wants to learn more.

From an ace perspective, I really liked how much she included asexuality and all the basic concepts related to it like "a romantic relationship doesn't have to include sex" and such, rather than it being a footnote. This is especially important since autistic people are statistically more likely to be asexual than the general population.
I can't really speak to a lot of the other info, since I don't have personal experience with things like medical transitioning or the like.

The only thing I take issue with is she falls into the trap of relationship hierarchy at one point, for example describing queerplatonic relationships as "more committed and connected than what would traditionally be called a 'friendship'" (page 143), which implies friendships are less important or meaningful without challenging that societal framing. But trying to define and explain all these subjective terms and concepts with fuzzy boundaries between them is actually quite difficult when you really get into it compared to what it might look like on the surface, and she does a good job overall, so I don't hold it against her.

I'm in my 20's now, but I would have benefited a LOT as a teen if I'd had this book then, even without knowing I was autistic at the time.

[Blue · Rating 4 out of 5]

Queerly Autistic is a nonfiction book which lays out the facts and helps people to understand and navigate the challenges that being both autistic and queer can throw up. The whole purpose of this book is to aid and guide people who may be new to their autism diagnosis, or have newly figured out their queer identity, and are unsure how to get to grips with things, and that’s entirely alright. People aren’t expected to understand themself straight away, and it takes time to get there.
~
Ultimately it wasn't really case of enjoyment for me with this one, because yes it was interesting and informative, I didn't enjoy reading it because I find nonfiction challenging to get through. I picked it up primarily because I wanted to include it in an essay, which required me to actually read it for the information I could use in said essay. That being said there was some things I learned from this book that have made a lot of sense to me which is quite nice.

[alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a really good resource, especially for younger queer and autistic people who are questioning or newer to the queer community. More focused on queerness, this book talks though many aspects of being queer and how to know and understand yourself best. The only thing I think that makes this book inaccessible is that it’s written by a British writer so a lot of the information, resources, and things around name change, gender clinics, and other similar things have resources specifically for people who live in the UK. That being said it’s still a good book and something I would’ve loved to have this book when I was first finding out about myself in middle school. I hope that young double rainbow people can find hope in this book, it’s such a good resource and so empowering that it exists.

[Tuni · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don’t think this is a BAD resource, but it is one I would only recommend with caveats. There is generally a concerted effort to be broad and open with different definitions and terms, which makes the times when labels are narrowly defined even more jarring. It also gets extremely repetitive with advice copied wholesale between different sections with just a few key words changed to fit. It does have a very robust list of resources, including YouTube videos, for people to explore further. I think the YouTube videos especially make this accessible to younger people and those still “in the closet.” So yeah I would still recc it to people, but would give them a heads up on certain sections beforehand.

[GTom · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent resource to exist. It’s for teens, but it was affirming and I even took many notes:

“Don’t feel guilty. If you need to hide in the bathroom for 20 minutes, or put your headphones on for a little bit, or even if you have to leave a little bit earlier than planned, do not let yourself be dragged down by the thought that you are disappointing your friends.

They may well be disappointed. But if they are the kind of friends every person deserves to have, they will understand. The very fact that you have made the effort to be there in a situation which does not come naturally to you, and for which you have to put a lot of systems in place, shows that you care about them.”

[Angie 🌙✨ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Despite being an LGBTQ+ autistic teen, I don’t think this book is for me.

I was expecting a book that balances being autistic with being queer, and how to kind of…cope, i guess? The actual book is very much for autistic folk who are new to the LGBTQ+ community, whether that be questioning themselves, or coming out, or being in safe spaces.

However, I do really like some of the things written, and I agree with most of it, other than a few things here and there. Such as the bi/pan lesbian part, which is just a harmful label considering lesbians are people (women, non binary, etc.) that are attracted to non-men.

[Kat · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great educational resource for queer people! It is geared more towards teens, so at times the language gets repetitive and isn’t as mature, but I do still think people of all ages can really benefit from this book. My only complaint is that I wish there had been more about autism in there. Like a breakdown of autism similar to the way the different sexualities are broken down, and that way it could help define things for people about autism as well as sexuality. Other than that though, this was a really great read. Fully recommend!

[sam]

Read this to know if it’s something I should recommend to teens I work with (most that fall under both identities). It was mostly information about LGBTQ+ identities it a very straightforward manner which I thought was helpful. It very much is for queer autistic teens who are maybe new to coming to terms with their queer identity and want a LGBTQ+ handbook that explains things very clearly. I did expect more content specifically relating to the autistic experience, but I think it still could be helpful for people maybe not as familiar with queer terms/culture.

[Andy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good introduction to understand LGBTIA+ subjects from an Autistic perspective. I wish I had read this book younger because many gender notions are so different for us, and it took me more years than allistics to fully understand what they mean. A lot is actually social construct nonsense and therefore, like any other rule that doesn't make sense, we might struggle to get it a little bit. This books resumes well what is known until today and could save time for young Autistic folks.

[C.R. Eede · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book to help me understand my autism. While it doesn't cover much on autism, it mostly covers queer life. As a black queer, autistic woman, I was hoping to understand a little bit more about my autism more so than queerness, but the book does help to get across the basics of queer life, which I believe many teenagers would appreciate.

[Evelyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

A starting point for young people on the spectrum to learn about LGBT identities and community, plust romance and sexuality in general. This is not all-inclusive on the topic and seems to be written for an autistic audience, not necessarily subject matter on autism or queer autistics as a main topic.

[Dax · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of good information. With it being an author in the U.K. a lot of the resources don't translate but it was still worthwhile. My main beef was how repetitive it was. As an audiobook it did not translate well. Juts made me not want to finish. As a resource book that folx are referencing different info at different points that may be much more helpful.

[Lina Aster · Rating 4 out of 5]

Не книга, а, радше, ��етодичка для квір-підлітків в аутичному спектрі. Як зрозуміти себе, як "підійти" до іншої людини, як перестати вважати себе поламаним чи неправильним. Авторка постійно повторює "Це нормально", і блін, навіть мені в мої 36 це було корисно. Підліткам точно треба. Та й дорослим не завадить.

[charlie! ☆ · Rating 3 out of 5]

this was.. just ok. most of the negative reviews are cause the book talks positively about mspec lesbians (who are 100% valid btw) so that's goofy but this is a decent book for people just finding out they are autistic and/or queer. didn't do much for me as somebody who realized that a few years back but hey, it is what it is. wish there was a bit more on the intersection between the two.

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very thorough primer on gender and sexuality, as well as lists of resources and strategies for changing gender markers, attending gay clubs, online safety, consent, recognizing unhealthy and abusive relationships. Can be repetitive and basic. Condensed version should be available for comprehensive sex ed. Audiobook was lovely and narrated by the author.

[Liisa]

To be fair as and adult I was not the intended audience but I've been reading a lot of all kind of neurodiversity through different kinds of lenses and viewpoints.


This was very much sexuality, gender and sex 101. In the end there weren't many sentences that would need to be changed to this book to be "queerly neurodivergent" Or "queerly human".

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Queerly Autistic is a decent nonfiction pick for teens. As others have noted, it's definitely "a book about queerness for an autistic audience" rather than "a book about queerness and autism", which is interesting. The info on resources, healthcare, and legal stuff is UK-based, but the clear vocab definitions, advice, and affirmations will be useful for many readers.