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203 pages, Kindle Edition
First published July 28, 2020
The trees are so tall I can hardly see their branches, their green foliage hanging in flat sprays that droop ever so slightly near their crowns, the way shaggy hair might drape around one’s neck. The greenery's sloping shape, held against the military exactitude of the trunks, resembles to me the Chinese character that builds forests: 木 mu (the wood radical). Arboreal 木 spreads wide and tall. And like timber set to work, 木 builds the words around it: 樹 shu ("tree"), 林 lin ("grove, woods, or forest") and 森林 senlin ("forest"), the multiplicity of tree shapes indicating the scale of the woodland. 木 carries a vastness of possibility, like the giants in these hills. And at their scale, just two trees would make a forest.
Our versions of the truth so often dwell in the language we choose, but the words we use have consequences: they signify allegiances, shared histories, harms, and losses. In my childhood I heard phrases like “Taiwan, the true China” or “Chinese, but from Taiwan,” and rarely felt pressed to make sense of them. The task of naming so often exceeded me. Instead I felt a discomfort, like an amorphous thing. My complacency, I know now, was a privilege afforded by distance, by the ease of light skin and features that passed for whiteness. I do not know why we did not visit Taiwan during my childhood, and I never asked. Instead, I negotiated the world as a dual citizen of Britain and Canada, casting my life in those frames of reference. The question of whether to call myself Taiwanese or Chinese felt a complication too far. I often found myself with too many names, too many homes, and no fixed sense of which order to arrange them in. A use of just one was an erasure of another. For most of my life — until Gong’s Alzheimer’s, until his death — I gave it little thought.
For so long I have treated Taiwan as a haunted place, guided by memories that are not mine. I’ve carried the weight of my grandfather’s death into the landscape, guilt and grief intermingled. But his death and Po’s have brought me new possibilities for knowing. Sadness has lightened, grown lean on my bones. I find in the cedar forest a place where the old trees can span all our stories, where three human generations seem small. The forest stands despite us.
[...T]he remnants of Taiwan cedar are an eldritch vision: they stand vacant with water scaling their trunks, wasted shards bleached in the sun, pointed and jagged at their tips.