Saga Boy: My Life of Blackness and Becoming

by Antonio Michael Downing

An Essence Most Anticipated Book of Fall 2021 A Bustle Most Anticipated Book of September 2021 Blending mythology and memory, Saga Boy follows a young Black immigrant’s vibrant personal metamorphosis. Growing up as a clever, willful boy in a tiny village in the tropical forests of Trinidad — raised by his indomitable grandmother, Miss Excelly, and her King James Bible — Antonio Michael Downing is steeped in the legacies of his scattered family, the vibrant culture of the island, and the weight of its colonial history. But following Miss Excelly’s death, everything changes. The eleven-year-old Downing seems to fall asleep in the jungle and to wake up in a he is sent to live with his devoutly evangelical Aunt Joan in rural Canada, where they are the only Black family in a landscape starkly devoid of the warm lushness of his childhood. Isolated and longing for home, Downing begins a decades-long journey to transform himself through music and performance. A reunion with his birth parents, whom he has known only through story, closes more doors than it opens. Instead, Downing seeks refuge in increasingly extravagant musical “Mic Dainjah,” a boisterous punk rapper; “Molasses,” a soul crooner; and, finally, an eccentric dystopian-era pop star clad in leather and gold, “John Orpheus.” In his mid-thirties, increasingly addicted to escapism, attention, and sex, Downing realizes he has become a “Saga Boy”—a Trinidadian playboy archetype—like his father and grandfather before him. When his choices land him in a jail cell, Downing must face who he has become. Harnessing the lyricism of an evangelical childhood into a flourishing and unforgettable prose all its own, Saga Boy is a poignant journey of overcoming, belonging, and becoming one’s own self.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Canada, Biography Memoir, Audiobook, Race

344 pages, Hardcover

First published January 19, 2021

About the author

Writer and musician Antonio Michael Downing was raised in Trinidad, Toronto and Kitchener. He is the author of the acclaimed memoir Saga Boy, the novella Molasses, children’s book Stars In My Crown, and the novel Black Cherokee. He graduated from the University of Waterloo with a degree in English Literature and has been a recording artist for two decades including three albums as his alter ego John Orpheus. He is also the host of CBC Radio's book program and podcast The Next Chapter.

Reviews

[Antonio Downing · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes I've rated my own book because it is like my child and though I see all its flaws I love it intensely.

It is the story of a person finding their way, of a family making the most of the difficult hand they're dealt. Though it is a particular story of Blackness, immigration, fish-out-of-water, masculinity, vulnerability and creativity, if I have done my job it is a story of the human heart. A place we are all familiar with.

If you've ever had to leave everything behind and start again somewhere else, or a grandmother that inspired you, or a difficult relationship with your family's history, or known the solitary feeling of being the outsider, you will hopefully find a nourishing richness here.

I hope that it is a celebration of our shared humanity from my heart to yours.

[BookOfCinz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is my second time reading Saga Boy and I really enjoyed it even more the second time around. This is a deeply moving memoir about a man that is constantly re-inventing himself out of survival and to secure his place in the world.

Antonio Michael Downing's life got started in Trinidad and Tobago living with his grandmother after being abandoned by his parents. He lived with his grandmother and brother until she died and he left for Canada. The culture shock or relocating, of meeting his father for the first time and his other brothers. A lot happened in Antonio’s life and he details all of this in a deeply moving memoir.



June 2021
This is what I call a well written memoir- WOW!

Antonio Michael Downing wrote a compelling memoir that will get under your skin and stay there. He writes about identity, what it means to have a home, generational trauma, dealing with trauma and having boundaries. I love how he gave us an insider look from growing up in Trinidad and Tobago and going between Canada and the US and still not having a home. As with a lot of Caribbean children raised by their Grandmothers, they always refer to them and that is exactly what Downing did.

Truly a wild ride but done with so much care.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

A memoir about growing up in the sweltering heat of Trinidad, the island patois singing in my ear. Little does our narrator know that in the short time left to him there his beloved grandmother would be arming him with the tools he'd need to survive and flourish in this life - music and storytelling.

At 11 he finds himself in the frozen and completely foreign tundra of northern Canada in the care of a God-fearing, Aboriginal-aiding aunt, in what could barely be considered a hamlet. From that frigid introduction to Canada, Antonio Michael Downing would eventually find himself in my hometown of Kitchener Ontario.

Along the way he adopts a series of personas to better understand the world around him and his place in it from Tony to Mic Dainjah, Molasses to John Orpheus. These names both a refuge and an escape.

It's a raw and moving memoir about survival, starting over again and again and finding your own path through trauma.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fast, lush read. This is the story of a boy growing into a man, and the different masks he wears. What I found fascinating about it, because I know Mike and lived with him for a year in university (so he's Mike to me!) is that all of these masks are so transparently him. There's so much I clearly did not know about him, yet none of it surprised me. Despite the shape-shifting character, he remains constant. And while he talks about how he's chasing his family, what's clear is that, even if it's not a "traditional" family, his family is vast, diverse, and deep loving, even if they remain human and flawed.

Yes, this is a book about Blackness, and it is good to read that perspective to get why Black people are pushing back against the structures and systems of our society, and have been for a long time. This is a good book for that. It's also a book that reveals that there IS some universality of experience, that crosses national borders, race, gender, and identity (even within one person!). We all want to love and be loved, and we all struggle with how to do that, when we are sometimes deceived or used or hurt.

[2TReads · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a memoir of love, loss, pain, forgiveness, self-actualization, and self-acceptance. Downing shared all his vulnerabilities, missteps, and ultimate triumph.

-All I wanted was a home. For the ground to stop shifting beneath my feet. For something, anything, to stay the same long enough for me to feel rooted- Tony.
🌴
That quote sums up what Tony grew up wanting, what he needed to secure his emotional, mental, and physical well-being. The writing is simple yet poignant with a certain lyricism that is wholly Caribbean when we got it.
🌴
Downing writes with an almost brash quality. The prose is crisp and no-nonsense even when sharing trauma, he approaches it with the vulnerability and steel that can be found existing dually in children.
🌻
But when he speaks of his grandmother, there is beauty and love and poetry in the way he depicts her strength and faith and eventually her encroaching weakness. His recollection of his childhood in Trinidad is lush with descriptions of friends, land, rivalry, mischief, faith, and yearning.
🌻
However when he moves to Canada, everything is different: he is always an oddity and so seeks acceptance, feeling a lack because there is no familiarity and no one tries to ease his way into this new social construct.
🍁
I was struck by Downing's intuition and survival instincts, even when he is the smallest person in the room, which is often, he is always aware and watchful, almost as if he is reading, absorbing the facets of the situation, learning, so that he is then able to transform what he has learned into something beneficial.
🍁
He also writes with an awareness that the region's own will recognize when it comes to the influence and constructed models left behind and instituted by our former colonizers. The language, schooling, religion, and social behaviours and mores.
🍁
As he grows older, he is able to identify the dysfunction and failure of his parents to provide with the stability and love that would have enabled him to have come into himself sooner and with fortitude. He is then able to take the steps towards confronting that failure and thus move towards healing, which is a lifelong activity.
🍁

[Sue Trav · Rating 4 out of 5]

I cannot recommend the audio book format of this enough! Hearing him read it and talk "Trini" was way better than I could have imagined it sounding had I read the words. It is also worth it to hear him sing the hymns he grew up (not a churchgoer but spent some time there in my youth and they were all familiar to me).

It was beautifully written. So descriptive I felt like I was there with him in the scenes he was describing. I loved his relationship with his grandmother and his love for her shines through in this book. The rest of the subject matter is tough to get through. Rape, child abuse, abandonment, drugs and so much more.

I am happy for him that he seems to be working through his childhood trauma and was really rooting for him throughout the whole story (except the part with the assault on his girlfriend which was shocking to hear but I did appreciate his honesty).

[Jane Mulkewich · Rating 5 out of 5]

Trinidad is a multi-racial country (Indo-Trinidadians, Chinese Trinidadians, Black Trinidadians and more) and many concepts such as the idea of a "saga boy" cut across racial divides. This memoir, although specific to one man / one family, resonates with so many commonalities of the Caribbean and Trinidadian experience. The author of this memoir was uprooted from Trinidad and came to Canada at the age of 11, much like my partner who is a Indo-Trinidadian man who was uprooted from Trinidad and came to Canada at the age of 13. Of course there are many important differences in their lives, but this book is a powerful exploration of how a Trinidadian childhood and then the trauma of losing all the touchstones of that childhood has reverberations for many decades afterwards.

[Nadia L. Hohn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful, tragic, and overwhelming (in a good way). This story is alive with the richness, wildness, and tragedy that is postcolonial Caribbean. I loved listening to this book narrated in the author's voice which slipped into Trinidadian accent back to Canadian and the occasional American. This story is epic and yet very Caribbean. It is proof why there needs to be more Caribbean immigrant narratives. Music and word are my first loves too so I can relate to the journeys with both, how they sometimes interweave and intermingle and become on. Thanks, Tony/John Orpheus, for sharing this story with us. It was a privilege to learn about your journey.

[Cheriee Weichel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks to NetGalley for the opportunity to read and review this book. This crossover YA/Adult title will be released January 19, 2021, by Penguin Random House Canada.

"The Queen designed my brain." is the first sentence in this four part memoir. It is a critical statement hinting at the ramifications of colonialism and the implications of it at an intimate level.

The most important thing about this book is the exquisite writing. Every page is full of swoon worthy prose. I ended up highlighting line after line - way too many to begin to share all of them with you in this review.

Please forgive me if I've gotten carried away with the quotes.

I will never be able to do justice to the beauty of Downing's words.

You will have to read it yourself.

The book is organized into four acts. Each act references a specific time in his life and the different person he was in each of them.

Act one: Tony

Until he was eleven years old the author lived in Trinidad with his older brother, Junior, and Grandmother who they called Mama. The rest of the community called her Miss Excelly. Mama was a deeply religious woman who gave generously of her love, time and whatever she had, trusting that whatever she needed would come back to her. The gifts she gave Tony would enable him to survive what hell he would end up facing, including the abuse he endured from a neighbour there. Downing wasn't aware of the gifts then, but it's there in his writing when he writes about coming home from school. Mama was always singing. Tony was greeted by it every day. "Her voice perfumes the very air... All of creation became her voice calling me home."

Tony was a excellent student who loved to read. As he read from the white canon of literature, "what unfolded page by page, battle after battle, image after image, was the great river of things that explained the world." He came to understand "the golden rule: there was a place called white, and it was always better."

He was attending a prestigious school when Mama died.

Act Two: Michael

At age eleven, Tony and Junior were taken from Trinidad to Waubigoon, an indigenous community in Northern Ontario. They lived with their Aunt Joan who was a social worker working with the people there.

Tony became Michael. His first teacher was a nightmare. Not only did she change his name, she tested him and recommended he be put ahead two grades. I gasped as I read this - already seeing the disaster this was likely to become. I remain angry thinking about how different things might have been for him had he been allowed to remain with his peers.

He became increasingly isolated: not fitting in with his classmates or the white or the indigenous community. At the same time, even at his young age, he understood he was more connected to the latter group than either of the former. While attending a PowWow he acknowledged that the Indigenous people were as much victims of racism and colonialism as he was. He also came to understand that their power and strength had not been completely destroyed, "they were still here. They were still part of the land."

Aunt Joan, who knew much about the boy's background, tried to do her best by them. She understood that Michael was 'fragile and explosive.' Still, she allowed Junior to be sent away to go to a prestigious school in the United States where his Aunt Agnes would become his guardian. Agnes then abandoned him, just like she had abandoned the boys' father when he was in her care.

Joan tried to stop it, but when Michael was twelve, the two boys ended up going to live with their father and stepmother, Al and Hailey.

There is a pattern to Downing's writing that make me ache for him. It is full of the most endearing moments and memories. Then the next line lets us know they are only fleeting. Writing about a time with his father he shares:

"he would listen to what I had to say. He cared about what I thought. My father- the man I knew only from photos and tales- cared what I thought. I eased back in the seat and tried to lean like he did, sneaking peeks to make sure I got it right. I studied the hair on his face where he had shaved that morning, the brown tinted sunglasses the obscured his eyes but not his vision, and the confidence, as if nothing as square as worry had ever touched him. The way laughter would jerk and explode out of him in a spasm, as if he were four years old and hitting a bike rim with a stick as he dashed down Monkeytown Third Branch. It was the first time I had felt that close to him.
It was also one of the last."
Al and Hailey were addicts. "Living with addicts is like living with zombies: you never know whether they'll eat you or ignore you." They only wanted the boys for the government money they brought in.

The beginnings of who he could become is hinted at when he writes a 'choon' that is sung by Junior's band. Over time Junior spent increasing amounts of time away from home. Eventually he moved out and became "a space I no longer recognized." Michael escaped the lonely craziness of his homelife by retreating into words and songs. He didn't understand that these were the same things Miss Excelly had needed to survive: "how to read and how to sing."

Eventually Michael moved in with Ami, his father's second wife. While there he connected with his two younger half brothers and joined the basketball team. Ami, a white woman, worked hard and did her best, but could barely make ends meet, never mind feed an athletic, growing, always starving teen.

On a basketball trip he responded to the racist bullying of his white teammates and ended up being the one who got suspended. He writes, "I had always understood the pecking order of our basketball team. Certain boys were always given the benefit of the doubt. There was a place called "white:" and it could get away with murder."

Thankfully Coach Barry Lillie and his wife, Elaine, invited him to live with them. Eventually he became part of their family and ended up getting into the University of Waterloo.

During this time he reconnected to his mother, Gloria and more of his half siblings. He ended up responsible for the reunification of his parents. In the end, it ended up in disaster.

When he was cut from the university basketball team, he was left with an unfillable void. Downing writes, "basketball had fathered me. I had soaked up second hand daddying from my teammates. Between the sweaty practices, the nail-biting games, and the breathless sprints, I had absorbed the lessons their fathers had taught them."

A new friend, Chachi, introduced him to art and helped him fill the emptiness. Spending time together, Downing wrote while Chachi painted.

Act Three: Mic Dainjah

Transformed into a new person again, Downing hid from his damaged self through running, women and music. On the surface he was successful. He worked for Blackberry and became a Canadian citizen.

As Mic Dainjah, he was the lead singer of a band called Jen Militia. When he was performing he "vanished to a place with no father, no mother, no corporate bosses, no good kids to keep up with - just the certainty of being alive and somewhere I belonged."

Anger simmered beneath the surface. After hitting his girlfriend, he ended up in an anger management program. He writes about this time with brutal honesty. It's loaded with sympathy and empathy for his peers in the program. The men had to take responsibility for their actions, learn to recognize their triggers and de escalate situations. He writes powerfully about acknowledging guilt and shame. This treatment program helped him, but it wasn't enough. It would take much more therapy before he would be able to heal himself.

He continued to spend time with Elaine and Coach, his unofficially adopted father. But acknowledges that, "Even after fifteen years, it was still disorienting to be loved by them"

Act Four: John

In this section Downing writes about his ongoing therapy and coming to the realization that 'while I was busy hiding from myself, words and music had saved me. I was still living off an old lady's prayers." He begins to deal with, "the monster lurking at my core." He begins to tend to the little boy who doesn't feel good enough.

Of course, recovery isn't instant.

Many friends helped Downing survive. Gada Jane's introduction to the art collective was an important part. Working with her on the John Orpheus project was another. Everyone needs someone who will tell them, "you are enough on your own."

His friendship with Howard was instrumental in leading him back to Trinidad and a feeling of belonging. The little boy inside him started to become whole again with Howard's help.

This book translates the global ramifications of colonialism into an intimate level. It's a story about abandoned fathers abandoning their sons who in turn abandon their own children. It's about the power of women who are the"mules of the empire, forced to carry the burden of the Crown's dreadful legacy, of black bodies chained to the spines of ships, of broken families, of men disempowered, stripped of their status in the home, sent to roam the earth with only their sex to prove their manhood, slaves by blood and by circumstance, saga boys." It's about trying to fit into a mould not made for you. It's about searching for love, family, and home. It's about learning to love and learning to forgive. It's about becoming who you are.

Over the space of eight years Antonio Michael Downing lived in six cities, went to six schools and had six different guardians. It could have decimated anyone, never mind a Black youth who, on top of all that, had to deal with a history of abuse.

The miracle of Antonio Michael Downing is not that he became a successful professional and artist after all he experienced, but rather that he survived at all.

I raged and wept many times while reading this book. I am left thankful for the gift of learning a bit about what it means to be a Black Canadian from Trinidad. I hope to be a better ally after finishing it.

While reading this memoir I spent some time watching John Orpheus music videos. I hope you enjoy Electric, from a new album he is working on, as much as I did.

[Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir was difficult for me at times. I wanted to take young Tony in my arms and let him know that it was going to be okay but we all know things don't work out that way. I was captured from the moment I read this little Trini boy moves to Dryden. Since we are a similar age and both grew up in Ontario there was a lot I could relate to and a lot I could learn from. PS I started calling mama Miss Excellency 1/4 way through.

[Lalaa #ThisBlackGirlReads · Rating 5 out of 5]

“They were Caribbean women, mules of the empire, forced to carry the burden of the Crown’s dreadful legacy, of black bodies chained to the spines of ships, of broken families, of men disempowered, stripped of their status in the home, sent to roam the earth with only their sex to prove their manhood, slaves by blood and by circumstance, saga boy”

Of the 50+ books I’ve read so far this year, there is a handful that I can truly say are important, powerful, and beautiful works of art, and Saga Boy: My Life of Blackness and Becoming
by Antonio Michael Downing is one of them. This memoir captured me completely, its sensitivity drew me in as it followed the family history and the epidemic of trauma that plagued a young boy’s life.

In this memoir, we meet Antonio, Toni, Michael, or one of the many names he’s been called in his life, and we follow his unstable journey from a boy to a man. From growing up in the lush island of Trinidad with all of its colonialism mixed with its beauty; to moving to Canada.

We see each stage of his life and how he survived it. I loved the parts about his grandmother who raised him, and the foundation she built for him, a foundation that I feel truly sustained him during the bleak times in his life.

There is such pain and beauty in the writing that you cannot help but feel everything he feels. From losing his grandmother to being sexually assaulted in Trinidad, the anguish of connecting with his parents, to finding refuge in basketball, music, and later writing, Toni’s experiences are raw and give us a look into his growth as a person.

There were moments I had to drop the book because the tears wouldn’t stop but I’m so glad that I pushed through because the power of his story and his words are undeniable.

What touched me most was his willingness to share the ugly parts of himself, to own them, to look at them, examine them and overcome them. I think there is so much much power in that because I think his words will help so many Black men who are struggling with their own story, their own identity, and their own truth.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Part memoir and part poem, Saga Boy took me along a winding journey to places that were described so vividly it felt as if I was there with Antonio Michael - all through his triumphs and tribulations.

I loved being familiar with many of the settings - northern Ontario, Trout Lake in Vancouver, Scarborough, and most incredibly my hometown of Newmarket - and his vulnerability of the hard places in his life was amazing.

Many passages of the writing were so beautiful I read them over and over, with this being one of my favourites:
“They were Caribbean women, mules of the empire, forced to carry the burden of the Crown’s dreadful legacy, of black bodies chained to the spines of ships, of broken families, of men disempowered, stripped of their status in the home, sent to roam the earth with only their sex to prove their manhood, slaves by blood and by circumstance, saga boy” (p. 316)”

Adding to my favourite memoir list!

[Tina · Rating 4 out of 5]

SAGA BOY: My Life of Blackness and Becoming by Antonio Michael Downing is a moving memoir that really drew me into his life story. Antonio shared deeply personal experiences from his early childhood in Trinidad to moving to Canada with such honesty that was so engaging for me as a reader. It was really interesting to hear his thoughts on growing up as an immigrant, his untraditional family unit, and finding himself within his cultural identity and musical inclinations. It was truly a wonderful journey to read his life story and I’m so curious to listen to some of his music now!
.
Thank you to Penguin Random House Canada via NetGalley for my advance review copy!

[Smkelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I recommend to get the audible version. The author tells his story with feeling and song.

[Anneka · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful! Gut and heart wrenching! A song for the ears, literally at times! I’m so glad I chose the audiobook-I felt like I got to know Antonio Michael Downing as he was getting to know himself. I could see the cheeky little boy, the one full of hurt and resilience. I could see the less than stellar choices he made; I could see the really great choices too!

Way to take responsibility for yourself, while simultaneously not taking on the choices of others. Not an easy task, and likely a lifelong journey - at least is is for me!

I came across this book through the Toronto International Festival of Authors (TIFA) and an interview and reading the author took part in.

Thank you for writing this book, but promoting it and sharing it so I, and others, could learn a bit about you and maybe even ourselves.

[Kelsey]

These stories are so compelling and brilliant that I can't help but mourn the fact that I kept wishing they were more tightly edited. So many times, Downing will repeat something he just said three pages before, or will start a chapter in a location/with a person, then jump back in time, then forward, then throw in a paragraph about somebody else, then start talking about something else. It's already a little difficult to follow all of his various identities, so I wish it was easier to follow the writing itself, because it's excellent when it has a clear chance to shine.

[AE · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was okay. I enjoyed learning about the peices of Trini culture and the context in which the author lived. The beginning started off with great story telling and then in the middle it became a regular biography with stream of events (less of a connection), but ended with the story telling again. I was looking for more.

[Halden · Rating 5 out of 5]

Saga Boy is raw, honest, and an essential read for those looking to get an understanding of the immigrant experience and blackness in Canada. Downing does not hold back and I am very appreciative that he let me learn from his experiences.

[Eleni · Rating 4 out of 5]

A remarkable examination of the search for a home and belonging, Saga Boy is a quest for self-understanding, and how people, memories, and cultural constructs shape and evolve our sense of self throughout our lives.

This memoir will stay with me long after I finished the last page. Recommended.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Charles · Rating 3 out of 5]

A somewhat fragmented account of a very fragmented life in a dysfunctional Trinidadian family by Tony(or any of his several alter egos) who abandoned by his parents at an early age, is brought up by his very religious & resilient wise grandmother miss Excelly(Mama). He suffers sodomy by his 2 neighbours. Though he is obviously intelligent & did well in school, his life continuously seems to fall apart, & when his grandmother dies, he is shipped off to his aunt Joan in Northern Ontario. He will be sent from pillar to post all over Canada & the US over the ensuing years from 1 relative to another, but will ultimately find himself in words & music, inspired by Mama, & develop as a musician, composer, writer-though not without succumbing along the way to multiple transient relationships, alcohol & drug abuse, and with psychotherapy overcoming his feelings of inadequacy & inferiority.

[Kasha · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love reading books by local authors, especially when the voices come from immigrant communities and tell stories that feel familiar in their searching, groundless ness and vulnerability. I appreciated the social critique that was woven into the examination of identity, and the ways that we kept returning to family in all its complexity and glory. The story felt both familiar and fresh, and through all the heartbreak I appreciated the author’s ability to capture an optimistic grind towards resilience and belonging.

[Gayle Parker · Rating 3 out of 5]

A memoir that is an expose of the effects of colonialism on intergenerational trauma. This audio books was expertly read by the author himself. His life is a text book case of ACEs (adverse childhood events) and yet he is resilient. His art and his connections to people who showed him his worth such as his coach, his grandmother and his aunt are what kept him grounded. I particularly liked all of the references to places in Waterloo, Kitchener and Cambridge. Thanks for sharing such a moving and personal memoir, Tony.

[Kiddo · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW. An incredible story, a personal saga, a touching ode to what shapes our identities, where we call home, and what makes a family. Such an impactful read that practically vibrates with the restorative, grounding, and protective properties of stories, art, and language. A beautiful, messy, and enthralling life.

[Alice Schuda]

Left me contemplated the complexity of identity and all of the cultural, family, dislocation/immigration and personal contexts one person's story contains. This story lingers.

[Enid Wray · Rating 4 out of 5]

A gut wrenching, heartbreaking tale of a boy’s journey to manhood… across time and space. I did find that it took me a little bit to get going with this one. I found it slow to read - for whatever reason - for the first section.

The story - the writing - the telling - really seemed to find itself after the death of Tony’s grandmother and his subsequent move to Canada. Perhaps this is an artefact of his being older and the memories being less speculative… the experiences being ones he truly remembered on his own? Or perhaps it was my own - unconscious - reaction to the childhood events described, how devastating they were (not that later events weren’t equally devastating…).

It’s not my place at all to comment on his lived experience, and certainly not the impact his multiple childhood traumas have had on his development as a person, as a man. But I can comment on the connections he makes to the roots of the problem lying in the historic system of colonisation… and how he deconstructs all of the ways in which that plays out across generations. Statements - conclusions - like that “there was no justice anywhere for black boys in the commonwealth” (p237) stop you dead in your tracks.

And I can also comment on the importance of a few strong women in his life… most especially his grandmother, Miss Excelly. She verily leaps off the page, his ability to realise her such a testament to the love he holds for her - in his heart even to this day - and the role she played in his life. Not perfect by any means, but doing the best she could, she is testament to the power of love in our earliest formative years to - eventually - help see us through to who we ultimately become as adults.

While he is still clearly a work in progress - as he deals with his trauma in finally realised and much needed therapy - there is hope… for him as a Black man, and (hopefully) for us as a society as we struggle to tear down all of the systemic barriers - the legacies of colonialism - that are so clearly articulated through his life story.

4.5

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm going to preface my review with the fact that I know the author. Therefore I always expected to give this a 5-star review, both because I know his talent and you know, friendly nepotism. However, the book still exceeded my high expectations.

I should say we don't know each other overly well, most of this book was new to me. To give context I was very excited to see a chapter called Berlin Boot Camp. The Mike D, Mic Dainjah parts of his life was when I 'knew him' best. I still have my version of Berlin Boot Camp and will be forever proud to be one of the many names thanked within the CD sleeve. My self-named, yet stolen from my Mom moniker, JJ. I never thought deeply of what my fleeting and cemented names for myself might represent, but its on my mind since reading this book.

This memoir rings as a true depiction of what it is to be human. Many things I can empathize with directly, others I can only try to understand given I'm a Canadian born white woman who has never lived outside her native country.

From a personal perspective, it was great to read this book and get to know a lot better someone I've known for years. From a simply reader's perspective it was an enthralling journey that would have had me hooked regardless of the author. Many times I would forget who I was reading about.

The writing is poetic. It is what it needs to be when it needs to be it. The beautiful moments are eloquent. The traumatic moments are terse and occasionally shocking. The anxiety is palpable. Regardless of who you are, I would be surprised if you didn't find something in this book that you don't connect with. This is through the telling of his story, the varied nature of his life and through the raw depiction of a unique yet somehow universal inner struggle.

There is so much more I can say, but finding the precise language is eluding me. Just read it. You won't regret it.

[Sidrah Siddiqui · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir really leaves me speechless. I think the author perfectly encapsulated life in his memoir, by spending time focusing on the little things of life as a child would. I find that this is the reason it took some time for me to get into this book.

The book starts off with the attention span of a child, reflecting the age and maturity that Antonio Downing was in the period of time he was writing about. Seeing how he uses his position as an author to start slow and paint the picture of what his life was like with his grandmother, and how much it meant to him, it was soothing and realistic. As we see Antonio grow and we see him becoming aware of the importance of his relationship with his grandmother, she passes.

It’s surreal, feeling the loss of Antonio’s grandmother. Us readers followed along the start of a journey for a Trinidadian child only for it to abruptly pause for relocation. That sudden twist in life is what left me speechless. Downing spends the memoir relaying how each integral moment of his life shifted and shaped the person he has become today. This memoir helped me realize how significant these events can be, how important it is to understand that everyone has their own story.

I hated and loved every relationship of his, just as he did. I felt every moment of frustration, anger, depression, and regret. I felt every loss and every win. This memoir is important because it helps you see that life plays out in interesting ways. Every person you meet has an intricate life of their own, and who they are to you is unique. It’s special.

That’s why I hated and loved this memoir, just as he did. I couldn’t bare this book at first, and now it’s hard for me to let it go.

[Carolyn Whitzman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Most people shouldn’t write their memoirs in their 30s - they just haven’t lived enough. But Dowling has had a helluva lot of living. The first two thirds of the book, on his childhood, is both impossibly grim and beguiling. His first 11 years in rural Trinidad were spent with his older brother, Junior, and his grandmother, Miss Excelly. The tastes, smells and sounds of a village on the edge of the rainforest are vividly drawn. Just as vivid is the emotional damage of being abandoned by his parents - twice - and raped by neighbours - two of them. Tony, as he was known in Trini, is yanked to Northern Ontario when he was 11 when his grandmother suddenly dies. He becomes Michael there, the only Black kid in high school. There are 6 moves and six custody arrangements over the next 6 years as the reader is introduced to a large and extremely dysfunctional family. Dowling writes of several of his guardians - particularly his Aunt Joan the deeply religious social worker and the impossibly loyal Ami, the ex-wife of his drug-addicted pimp father Al - with great warmth and empathy. Even his parents get some sympathy as they continually betray him. The final third of the book, on adult identities as a musician (Mic Dainjah, Molasses and John Orpheus), high tech worker, and abusive boyfriend, are the least coherent and successful. Dowling finally gets some therapy to help deal with his trauma - in the form of a court appointed group for men convicted of domestic violence. His many siblings also manifest the impacts of their own childhood traumas. It is all a bit choppy. But on the whole, Saga Boy is a fantastic read, with memorable characters.

[Vivi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sagaboy is a memoir, a story that inspires readers. A book about a man searching for himself, his identity, and finding a place where he belongs. The story begins in a small village in Trinidad, where little Antonio lives with his grandmother - Miss Excelly. Growing up with his grandmother and older brother Junior, Antonio relied on them and believed that life would remain the same. Until one day, he lost his beloved grandmother and his life changed dramatically since then. Antonio and Junior flew to Canada and lived with their aunt, Aunt Joan. Antonio had expected that his life would be better and more exciting, but it didn't. He was bullied by kids of the same age because of his difference - a black child. Antonio felt sorry for himself and gradually withdrew into his sanctuary. But Antonio still longs for a family, where he belongs. When Antonio's father invited him to stay with him, Antonio didn't hesitate and agreed. From there began the series of days he lived as an invisible person. I don't want to make the story longer, so I'll stop here. I love Antonio's narrative as he writes about his life, it's not so much a story but about what he's been through. He went from Tony to Michael, and from Mic Dainjah to John Orpheus. Each name is different but it is about the same person - Antonio Michael Downing. And I like it.