“Sometimes the prettier they are, the more they like to have their faces pushed in shit, no?”
“It was Noel's turn to be silent. Because I'm sleeping with him, he wanted to say, but couldn't bring himself to do it. Because Randy is the only one I'm sleeping with. He's my only cover, my only credential that I'm just a normal, man-loving homosexual. I'm doing it despite myself, overcoming long-ingrained habits and ideas about sex and about my own sexuality. I'm as disturbed by it when it's easy with Randy as when its difficult. It scares me as much as Mr. X and his henchmen do. It's my only security. So it damn well had better be security. That's why I have to know if Randy Nerone is working for Whisper.”
““It's not true. There's an entire aesthetic to inflicting pain, to domination, if you will, and on the other hand to being submissive, that you can't begin to understand until you've experienced it. Of course there are a lot of jerks around, of all sexes and genders, who are just out to hurt. Barbarians! Done right, it's an art. An art with great refinement—a stretching of sensory abilities we seldom even notice. When someone steps into that room, and few do, he knows in advance he is going to come out knowing a great deal more about himself—his attitudes, his fear, his desires, his thresholds—than when he went in. He comes out of that room altered forever. Not on the outside—that would heal anyway. But inside. Where only he can see it.””
“He seemed to enter a bubble. He could still hear the music, but nute, subsumed in a sough of sliding, rubbing sound, as of many bodies in constant motion. Hands reached out, touching him lightly, tentatively, and he turned away from them, he moved into other hands, other bodies, stoking, caressing. Then he was floating along, slowly turning, bodies siding against him, hands more forceful now, someone opening a shirt button, someone else unzipping him, someone else lifting his shirt from behind, a hand slipping down the back of his trousers. All the while he was moving, revolving through the mass of bodies, until he saw a face that looked familiar, kind, and hands reached out for him.
The face bent to his and he felt caressed all over, hands in front, in back, until his clothing was open or off, and he felt freer, more flexible, more comfortable with this stranger kissing him slowly all over. In time with the music, thinking nothing, unwilling to think, letting him be guided, shown what to do, how to do it, Noel let go.”
““So you tell me, what is sex all about? A little pleasure, a lot of work, and for what?””
“He wandered along the abandoned shoreline, finally sitting on a dune where the tires from police cars and contracting trucks had left deep, patterned tracks. There he allowed himself to shake violently all over. He felt all the muscles around his neck were knots that had to be untied, hoping the roaring, grating surf in front of him would pound away the tensions, and fears, and anger.
After a while, he felt some relief. The stillness helped, as did the balmy night air, sharp with fetid sea life strewn on the sands, and the regular thump of the waves. Occasionally, a large wave, its froth moonlighted like glitter, would break long and straight and very hard like a crack of cannon that thundered in his ears. Then all would be silent again.”
““What has happened to you that is so special?
Nothing! You went to bed and made love to a man. Maybe you'll do so again. So what? No one cares about that. No one will care. It is not so important. It happens. Sometimes it means something. Sometimes not. Don't listen to the voice of your father or grandfather or scoutmaster, listen to your own inner voice, Noel. I am offering you a life where it won't matter to anyone if you make love to a man or a woman or...a potato. Is that so difficult to understand?””
“Beneath him, huge speakers ten feet tall erupted into staccatto thumping so deep he could feel its pulse in his arteries. Around him, suspended in the air, every few yards, tweeters shrieked, chattered, whined, aahed, beeped, sang, screamed. Suddenly two soprano voices in a shrill chorus were twittering at his left ear. Just under them, a dozen trumpets blared the same color red that streaked across his eyes from a reflection off a double-hinged mirror, then subsided into a punctuating throb. Beyond them, behind him, the multiple rhythms of tambourines and maracas suddenly began like chattering monkeys, like wild-eyed, screeching, tropical-colored birds of prey. Now a thin edge of stiletto-sharp silver also held the air, as the lead singer's voice began the words. Between it, beneath it, all around it was the bedrock visceral, blood-pumping, heart-strumming, ear-buzzing bass which he fought as it reached out to grip his legs like a viscous, life-sucking force. But he couldn't resist, and slid into it deeper and deeper, slid forward inexorably and was now off the rubber grip of the escalator steps and pushed far into the center of the dance floor, where he was suddenly still for a half second, like a frame from a film of a hydrogen bomb's mushroom cloud, absolutely still for the instant, as the fatal atoms did their deadly shatter. Then everything was in motion again.”
“Noel couldn't take the barrage on his optic nerve anymore and closed his eyes. But that made no difference in the lights or shapes, except that now there was no point of reference anymore. The sounds continued, deeper, louder, closer to his skin it seemed, invading him. So he opened his eyes and felt terror and nausea sweep up through his body into his mouth and ears and eyes, and out of him. Then it began again, from within, only he stopped it from emerging, and it shot back inside this time, detonating every individual cell, until he could see their tiny nuclei individually shatter, and the blackness that had threatened to suck him below engorged him and he was sucked into the blackness, darker than any imaginable, until he almost thought, then he was sure, then was absolutely convinced, it wasn't blackness at all but the white, white, white of nothingness forever white…”
“Nothing to cool off the heat in his hand, racing up his arm, burning his elbow, his shoulder, his neck, his fingers. Nothing to ease the burning but to push it into something soft, wet, fleshy.”
“He felt the split, saw the two men facing him, expressionless, as he froze them both to stillness trapped against the fender of the car, both mouths open to beg, scream, cajole.
And the knife was a burning coal. It had to be doused or the fire would consume his flesh, too, so he plunged it in, feeling the urgency take over, and the soft tissue melting under the frozen blade, finding sweet relief in the wet coolness that surrounded each thrust, cutting, ripping, tearing, upward, downward, in, across bones, muscles, cheeks, ears, eyes even, those deceiving mirrors, those lying reflectors, immersing himself in the methodical slashing and tearing, finding the split resolving itself in relief, not minding the pummeling of fists at his back, the futile attempts by mere human hands to dislodge him from this preordained encounter, but taking his time, cutting, and plunging again, feeling all time stop, feeling both the heat in his hands and the coldness that had frightened him so before evaporate now, as the head in front of him began to slide off the slimy wetness of the metal fender, the torn mirrors of its eyes hidden now, as it crumpled slowly onto the tops of his shoes, and he plunged once more into air, unable to stop himself, then stopped, and all he could feel was utter, total, complete, and life-restoring relief.”