The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive

by Robert E. Emery

Nationally recognized expert Robert Emery applies his twenty-five years of experience as a researcher, therapist, and mediator to offer parents a new road map to divorce. Dr. Emery shows how our powerful emotions and the way we handle them shape how we divorce—and whether our children suffer or thrive in the long run. His message is hopeful, yet realistic—divorce is invariably painful, but parents can help promote their children’s resilience. With compassion and authority, Dr. Emery • Why it is so hard to really make divorce work
• How anger and fighting can keep people from really separating
• Why legal matters should be one of the last tasks
• Why parental love—and limit setting—can be the best “therapy” for kids
• How to talk to children, create workable parenting schedules, and more

Genres: Divorce, Parenting, Nonfiction, Childrens, Psychology

336 pages, Paperback

First published August 19, 2004

Reviews

[Frank Calberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Takeaways from reading the book:

What emotions do children in divorced families feel?
- Page 80: Painful memories, feelings and worries are much more common among children from divorced families than among children from married families.
- Page 113: Because 3-5 year old children are egocentric and think the world revolves around them, they often blame themselves for the divorce of their parents.
- Page 114: Children may fear that a separation may mean that one or both of their parents may abandon them.
- Page 114: 6-8 year old children commonly feel strong loyalty to both parents. A separation may make children feel they need to take sides, even when they do not want to do so.
- Page 222: Why is a child feeling anger? Does he/she feel anger because 1) his / her parents do not live together? 2) his / her father does not see him / her more?

What rights do children in divorced families need?
- Page 81: The right to love and be loved by both parents without feeling guilt or disapproval.
- Page 81: The right to be protected from anger, which parents have with each other.
- Page 81: The right to be kept out of the middle of conflicts parents have - including the right not to pick sides, carry messages or hear complaints about the other parent.
- Page 81: The right not to have to choose one of the parents over the other.
- Page 81: The right not to have to be responsible for the burden of either of the parents' emotional problems.
- Page 81: The right to know well in advance about important changes that will affect the child's life, for example when one of the parents is going to move or get remarried.
- Page 81: The right to reasonable financial support during childhood and through college years.
- Page 81: The right to express emotions and to have both parents listen to emotions the child feels.
- Page 81: The right to have a life that is as close as possible to what it would have been if the child's parents had stayed together.
- Page 81: The right to be a kid.

What emotions do parents, who divorce, feel? How can they manage their emotions?
- Pages 4-8, 44 and 88: Accept that the most important task of divorce is managing emotions.
- Page 30: It can be less painful to lose oneself in anger than to feel fear or sadness. Anger can help us cover up other negative emotions such as fear. Thereby, anger can help protect us.
- Page 46: Avoid fighting with your ex partner. Why? Because much of the anger of your ex partner is about trying to get a reaction out of you.
- Page 46: When you want to talk to your ex partner about children, you have together, make an appointment. During the talk, talk only about the kids and only briefly.
- Page 46: When you are around the kids, say nothing if you cannot say anything that is positive.
- Page 48: Find a place in your heart for all the happy memories you had together with your partner and with the children you have together.

What do parents tell their children before they decide to divorce?
- Page 100: Tell your children early that you are having problems in your relationship. Why? That will help your children prepare for a possible divorce. Being open with your children about problems you have will help the children learn that a relationship between two people is far from perfect, and that one of the most important things about a good relationship is acknowledging difficulties and finding a way to resolve them as well as you can. If you, as parents, try to protect your children from problems, you have in your relationship, expect that when you tell your children you are divorcing, they will feel shocked, distressed and sometimes betrayed, when they discover that life you was not what they believed. When conflict is low in the 2-parent family, children have more problems following a separation than they did when their parents were together.
- Pages 104 and 116: Examples of what you can tell your children: 1. Mom and dad are having problems with our relationship. 2. The problems we have are problems between mom and dad. We want you to know that you have done nothing wrong. 3. We are not sure what will happen. A divorce is a possibility. 4. We would like to know what emotions you feel. Please talk to either of us anytime. 5. We are very sorry we have to tell you this. 6. We do not want you to try to solve problems, which mom and dad have. That is our job. 7. We want you to know that we both love you. We will always take good care of you. We are always going to be your mom and dad.

What do parents tell their children after they have decided to divorce?
- Page 116: Tell your children that you have decided that you no longer want to be married to each other and that you are planning a divorce. Say openly and honestly whose decision it is to get a divorce. If it is the father's decision to divorce, he can say to his child / children: "It is my decision to end the marriage with your mother and get a divorce. It is my decision - not your mother's decision." The mother can say: "I do not want a divorce. I want to keep living with your father."
- Page 112: All that children under the age of 3 can absorb is a simple explanation such as "Mom and Dad are going to live in different houses." Even simple explanations like this need to be repeated frequently to very young children.
- Page 108: Explain to your children the reasons for the divorce. Example: The reason mom and dad will divorce is that mom / dad has fallen in love with another person and is still in love with him / her. Say that you will follow up with individual conversations with each of the children to talk about reasons for the divorce.
- Page 106: Tell you children where you will live.
- Page 116: Your father is going to move out of this house in x weeks. In a few days he will show you where he will live.
- Page 116: Your mother will keep living here - at least until the end of this school year. She will look for a new place to live.
- Page 116: Both your mother and father will find places to live that makes it possible for you to go to the same school as now and see your friends.
- Pages 106 and 116: Tell your children when they will be with each of you - including what days the children will sleep where.
- Page 113: Tell you children how they will get from Mom's place to Dad's place and from Dad's place to Mom's place.
- Page 115: Tell your children that you would like to know about the changes - includes what works well and what does not work so well.
- Page 183: When a young child asks his mother, "Why do I only see daddy once in a while?", the mother can, for example, respond, "Your daddy lives far away. It is sad that you cannot see him more. He loves you very much. Do you want to call daddy tonight? Do you want to draw a picture for daddy now?"
- Page 236: I hoped to love your mother forever, but something changed, and I do not know why. Nothing can change my love for you though.
- Page 236: I do not love your father as husband anymore. I still love your father as parent, because he gave you to me.
- Page 236: I could not keep living with your mother because..
- Page 236: I love you no matter what you do wrong.
- Page 249: Tell your children about your plans to start dating.

What is a resilient child? What is a resilient child not?
- Page 72: Resilience means letting a kid be a kid.
- Page 72: Resilience does not mean making a kid take care of the parents' conflicts.
- Page 72: Resilience does not mean making a kid responsible for fixing one or both parents' depression, anger, loneliness or self doubt.
- Page 73: The resilient child does the work expected in school.
- Page 73: The resilient child does reasonable, appropriate chores.
- Page 73: The resilient child is not his / her parent's best friend when it comes to divorce or other adult issues.
- Page 73: The resilient child is not holding in his or her feelings to protect the feelings of his or her parents.

Questions to talk about when you negotiate your divorce:
- Page 145: Where will you talk about your divorce? The simplest and best way to negotiate a divorce is at the kitchen table. Talk things through in calm and focused ways.
- Page 136: Trying to work things out on your own lead to numerous benefits for children and parents. For example, parents become more involved in their children's lives.
- Page 4: How can you learn to accept that in the time following a divorce, there is no harder time to be a parent or a child?
- Page 50: How can you go back to a formal acquaintanceship? In the normal course of relationships, people progress from 1) a formal, cooperative, polite, limited and impersonal acquaintanceship to 2) a flexible, involved friendship, to 3) an intimate love relationship. When the relationship ends, you have to go back to a formal acquaintanceship.
- Page 22: What are the most important reasons you want to divorce. Beliefs, which people have about reasons for a divorce, are partly based on reality - but also provide a form of self-protection. They protect people from guilt, shame and responsibility.
- Page 145: Where will your children live when?
- Pages 163-167: Think of your time with your children in terms of months and years - not hours and days. Why? A plan that works for your 4 year-old son may not be the best plan when he is 7, 12 or 16 years old. Your child will change, and you will also change. Flexibility, making adjustments and temporary agreements are important.
- Page 145: Who will keep which things?
- Page 192: A clear vacation schedule increases joy for everyone.
- Page 192: A possibility is to divide some vacations, for example Summer vacation or Christmas vacation.
- Page 192: A possibility is to switch vacation schedule every year. Example: One year, children spend Christmas at one parent. The other year, children spend Christmas at the other parent.

Discipline strategies:
- Page 218: When children are busy doing something fun or productive, for example playing with toys or reading, they do not need discipline.
- Page 219: Invest more time in praising your children for what they do well than criticizing them for what they do not do well.
- Page 219: Make rules and specific consequences for following or breaking rules very clear.
- Page 219: Be democratic. Involve children in setting rules and consequences for following or breaking them. When doing that, ask questions. Example: What do you think is a fair punishment for breaking this rule?
- Page 220: Give children choices. Example: Do you want to wear the yellow shirt or the blue shirt?
- Page 220: Make a time-out by placing the child in a quiet space. Length of time-out: 1 minute for every year of the child's age.
- Page 221: Control your anger. Why? When a parent gets really mad and raises his or her voice, the child will hear only the angry emotions - not the words.

Why does a person have an affair?
- Page 246: Because she / he is selfish and cares only about her / his own pleasure.
- Page 246: Because she / he is lonely, rejected by her / his partner and desperate to connect with someone.
- Page 246: Because she / he wants to preserve her / his relationship by getting her / his needs met elsewhere.
- Page 246: Because she / is wants confirmation that she / he is still attractive and desirable.

Other research from the book:
- Page 32: The opposite of love is indifference.
- Page 203: Following a divorce many children question their parents' love. Therefore, it is particularly important that both mother and father say "I love you" to their child / children.
- Page 216: Parenting apart is challenging because each parent has to be both a mother and a father. A parent can no longer be a specialist in his or her role.
- Page 224: Kids learn more by observing what their parents do than listening to what their parents say.
- Page 227: A typical thinking mistake of a person, who took the responsibility of caring for a divorced parent's emotional needs is thinking that it is his/her job to make his/her girlfriend / boyfriend happy and/or that it is the job of his/her boyfriend or girlfriend to make him/her happy. It is not. We are responsible for our own happiness.
- Page 259: When it comes to calling a stepparent Mom or Dad, it is your child who decides when - and if - she / she will.

[SJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author, Dr. Emery, does not sugarcoat things—divorce is tough on kids. As he explains, however, kids can be “resilient” and controlling parental conflict is the main way to achieve this. His 3 key elements to a sound co-parenting partnership are:
1) understanding your emotions,
2) managing your anger, and
3) setting boundaries.
The book discusses these elements and provides practical advice on things like how to tell your children you are separating and how to deal with a new relationship.
Setting aside personal feelings in order to keep the peace with my ex-husband is difficult at times but I can see that it is one of the things that has helped our son adapt to our divorce. I'm glad that I read this book--it has reinforced my willingness to maintain a "cooperative" divorce--and would recommend it to any parent considering or actually getting divorced.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished this book, and I really want to write a review, but I am crying so much that it is difficult. I never thought I would get divorced, and I have really intense, conflicting feelings about it: guilt, shame, sorrow, anxiety, rage, and even longing. Emery helped me realize that this is all wrapped up under one bow: grief. I so appreciate this perspective, as it helps me be kinder to myself. After all, you wouldn't berate someone for grieving a deceased loved one. Grief takes time to run its course.

As Emery points out, though, I do have a compelling reason to work through my grief--my beautiful kids. I am getting divorced, but I am still Mom. And, my ex is still Dad. Emery notes that I can work through my grief to model to my kids how it is done (after all, loss and grief are common to all humans). I must also focus on my most important role of being a parent and support my kids through their grief related to the divorce, which will help them to get back to their most important role--being kids.

I am really grateful to Dr. Emery for writing this incredibly helpful, tear-jerking, soul-searching book, as well as to my therapist for recommending it!

[Aurélien Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

After more than two decades working as a researcher, therapist, and mediator (besides his personal experience as a divorced father himself), Robert E. Emery offers his insights on what can make (or not) a 'successful' divorce that is, one where children are harmed as less as possible.

It's a common trope: children are far more resilient than what we give them credit for, and when it comes to broken families it's not so much the divorce/ separation of parents which can be an issue, but, how parents handle themselves and ultimately co-parent. So, what is this about?

First of all, I like how the author delves straight in by outlining what he calls 'the cyclical model of grief' that is, the love, then anger, then sadness (when not all three emotions overwhelming you at once!) that everybody going through such an ordeal -whether you're the one leaving or the one who's been left- ultimately experience. A break-up is never easy, but then again, they are those who manage to pull through, and those who, on the contrary, get stuck and get stuck sometimes without even realising it. As he puts it:

‘Someone who gets stuck on love may deny the reality of the breakup and pine for reconciliation; someone caught up in anger will act out of vindictiveness and a need for revenge; those mired in sadness will assume an exaggerated and unrealistic sense of responsibility for what has occurred.’

But then what?

From his professional experience, he outlines how such intense emotional turmoil (affecting, again, both ex-partners -it takes two to tango) can affect for good or bad how the divorce process itself will be managed. He carries on, then, by describing roughly three different types of divorce: the cooperative one, the distant one, and the angry one. The book delves then upon each, showing, each time (his core purpose) the impact upon the children trapped in the middle.

If the legal side of it flew over my head (he's an American author and I'm in the UK, where the laws are different...), I have to say that he is right on point when it comes to the emotional rollercoaster, their impact, and the pressuring demands this can put children through. Music to my ears was, particularly, his emphasis on the need to cooperate and mediate over fighting; something which ought to be common sense, yet which remains the anti-thesis and counter-model to what is being done in most cases, fed by the adversarial culture of the family courts where one-sided lawyers are pitted against one another. This, I rush to add, is *not* a stance anti-family barristers, but a mere reckoning: such legal 'battles' (please note the warmongering term) is not suited to most separating scenarios, and so makes things worse when mediation should have been preferred. And in fact, as he outlines very clearly, there are lawyers who acknowledge just so, by encouraging a cooperative outtake.

All in all, I kind of like this book. I gave it only three stars, not because it's deficient in any way, but, simply, because I am not in the process of a divorce (I went through all of that a decade ago already) and was merely looking for new ways to positively co-parent with an ex with whom I can still clash. This, in fact, is precisely why I would recommend it beyond newly divorcees only and to anyone having to co-parent following a break up instead; for his insights are valid regardless of your situation. In the end: it's for the best of your kids.

[Rachel H · Rating 3 out of 5]

There is some good advice in this book, especially for parents who are trying to adjust to a new co-parenting relationship. The author uses case studies of couples he has seen as a therapist in order to examine possible conflicts and issues surrounding divorce and parenting. If you're on your own as a solo parent then there is less to take away. However the sections on grief, identity and letting go are really good.

[Annna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Y-E-S!

[Alicia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read the parts I cared about as divorce was not recent. Also too much of this info gets me down. Some very applicable chapters for raising a stepson.

[Angie Campbell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Emery provides hard-hitting, insightful revelations to parents going through an angry divorce and highlights the need to move into a distant or cooperative divorce. Highly recommend this.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent practical insight into navigating divorce with children. I've been divorced for 5 years, and the timing in reading this material was perfect - not to say that one can't benefit during the throws, but in waiting, I was able to read and understand from a more balanced perspective. Navigating co-parenting is difficult; I felt freedom from this book advice to restructure the relationship you have with your ex. It will never go away, but you can and should reframe it to fit your current situation.

The only thing that I struggled with was that it was written from the perspective of fairly healthy relationships - even if angry or conflict-laden. While I'm sure this was the author's intent, and there are other books that address abuse, I found it tricky altering some of the views and approaches for unhealthy or abusive relationships.

Great read, though, for co-parenting.

[Debi · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is probably why I can't finish a book these days. I'm reading too many at one time! I have like 4 books I'm "in the middle of". Well, as the title states, this book is kinda important and therefore I'm fitting it in whenever I can. I'm about 2/3 through. It's very informative and will help any couple going through a divorce or even if you're just considering it. Good tips on how to break the news to your children, etc. I'm happy to say that even though I got this book AFTER we told Jack our news, we had done some of the steps exactly right. Maybe there is a shred of common sense between us after all. I suggest having this book in your arsenal, and then picking up some children's books that discuss going through a divorce. They really helped.

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

definitely something to read before/during divorce. I read it after my divorce was over and it was still insightful and had some good ideas. Though my ex would never do counseling and doesn't really want to figure out what is going on with the kids because they are happy the 3 days he has them. (he gets them every other weekend from friday to monday) I would recommend this book to anyone going through, thinking about going through or just recently divorced read this book. Kind of wish I could go see Dr. Emery and see what he would say about my situation.

[Angela Coleman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book! Very insightful but in a positive manner. I appreciated all the factual information and enjoyed reading "real life" stories and accounts. I recommend this book to anyone dealing with the difficult situation of raising children during and after divorce.

[Thorn MotherIssues · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mostly common sense, but good to have in one place. And pretty much all of it had caveats about how of course this isn't a reasonable goal if your ex is the kind of person mine is, which left me pretty bummed, but I'm still glad I read it.

[Louise Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yup, you need to keep this one handy. At all times. Beside your bed.

[Ben · Rating 3 out of 5]

One guy's opinion on a complex subject. Some good advice. There are other opinions out there and I think it best to avail yourself of a variety of information.

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a general book on divorce, this was a good one but it didn't have much regarding our specific situation (it was mostly, "work together for yr kids" etc).

[Lil · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent guide to navigating the many issues surrounding divorce and children. I wish everyone involved in a divorce with kids would read this book.