Friendship in the Age of Loneliness: An Optimist's Guide to Connection

by Adam Smiley Poswolsky

*NEXT BIG IDEA CLUB SUMMER 2021 NOMINEE*

After a year of social distancing and lockdown measures during the pandemic, it’s more clear than ever that our friendships and social bonds are vital to our health and happiness. This refreshing, positive guide helps you take care of your people and form deep connections in the digital age We are lonelier than ever. The average American hasn't made a new friend in the last five years.

Research has shown that people with close friends are happier, healthier, and live longer than people who lack strong social bonds. But why—when we are seemingly more connected than ever before—can it feel so difficult to keep those bonds alive and well? Why do we spend only four percent of our time with friends?

In this warm, inspiring guide, Adam "Smiley" Poswolsky proposes a new solution for the mounting pressures of modern focus on your friendships. Smiley offers practical habits and playful reminders on how to create meaningful connections, make new friends, and deepen relationships. He'll help you develop a healthier relationship with technology, but he'll also encourage you to prioritize real-world experiences, send snail mail, and engage in self-reflective exercises.

Written in short, digestible, action-oriented sections, this book reminds us that nurturing old and new friendships is a ritual, a necessity, and one of the most worthwhile things we can do in life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Friendship, Psychology, Audiobook, Social

272 pages, Hardcover

Published May 4, 2021

About the author

ADAM SMILEY POSWOLSKY is a millennial workplace expert, motivational speaker, and author of The Quarter-Life Breakthrough, The Breakthrough Speaker, and Friendship in the Age of Loneliness.

Smiley regularly speaks at Fortune 500 companies and has advised heads of state and foreign leaders about millennial talent, multigenerational engagement, and fostering belonging in the digital age.

Smiley’s TED talk on “the quarter-life crisis” has been viewed over 1.5 million times, and he has spoken in front of fifty thousand people in twenty countries.

Smiley’s work has been featured in the New York Times, the New Yorker, the Washington Post, Fast Company, CNN, and the World Economic Forum, among many other outlets.

Reviews

[Tim · Rating 3 out of 5]

Adam "Smiley" Poswolsky wants to help people find meaningful friendships. He acknowledges the modern barriers to "going deep" with people once we're into adulthood and the endemic loneliness that knows no generation barrier. In this book Smiley has assembled a collection of resources and ideas for finding friends - real time, in-person friends. The bulk of the suggestions center on how to put oneself in a space to meet potential friends (and what venues to avoid) though there some activities and suggestions more focused on how to deepen and develop relationships beyond the initial meeting.

Though he's made a clear effort to be inclusive and write for a broad audience (and deserves credit for that), a significant portion of the book is addressing his generation and what he sees as its problematic starting point, specifically that people have hundreds of social media friends and that from this overwhelmingly large group of contacts, one needs to figure out how to develop deep, real-time relationships with a few. There are fewer suggestions for people who may not be as plugged into social media. Indeed, for almost all of the resources and activities he suggests, the first contact is going to be an online exchange of information though the stress is in moving beyond that.

Helpfully, Smiley has been able to address the current isolation imposed by the pandemic and speak to the stresses and some solutions offered for "covid-induced" loneliness.

As someone who's repeatedly tested as an extreme introvert on the MBTI, I found myself feeling overwhelmed just reading all the suggestions for connecting. It helped to set the book aside and read 1-2 of the short chapters at a time rather than consuming the book in large gulps. I took note of activities and suggestions that sounded appealing to me. Though I don't yearn for a wide social group, I could do with a couple closer relationships than I have. Having transitioned from an intense, all consuming job to one with more lifestyle balance, I've found myself at a loss on how to re-enter and reconnect outside of a professional environment.

I'm looking forward to trying some of the suggestions in this book. Thanks to Smiley for a sincere effort at building bridges and to #NetGalley for the free electronic copy of the book.

[Adam Poswolsky · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wrote this book, so I'm (just a little!) biased, but I think it does a great job of offering a menu of ways for adults to feel less alone and spend more time with their friends in the digital age. I hope you enjoy it! I wanted to create a 'cookbook' for friendship in the age of loneliness, so you could pick up the book whenever you needed some inspiration or a pick-me-up and find a recipe that works for you (while skipping over the ones that don't!). I hope you enjoy reading the book.

You can find more friendship and community building resources (including discussion questions for book clubs or discussion groups!) on my website at:

https://smileyposwolsky.com/friendship

Thank you for reading and for taking care of your friends,

-Smiley

[Maia · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've been making my way through various nonfiction books on friendship lately, and unfortunately none of them has really impressed me, this one included. I like that it's current enough to talk about some of the challenges of maintaining friendship during covid, and it has many heartwarming anecdotes from the author's own life and many fulfilling friendships. But I don't know that any of its advice really stood out as anything beyond common sense. The one quote from it that I wrote down was "Friendship builds rituals, and rituals build friendship" which does feel like a nugget of truth I want to keep thinking about, but that might be the only piece of this book that sticks in my brain long term.

[Kara · Rating 2 out of 5]

Sadly, this book was not for me. Or, as my 2-star rating indicates: It was OK. It did have a few good gems and I'm sure the author is a wonderful friend, but it really seems geared towards jet-setting guru extroverts who need help with their social media addiction. It is also highly anecdotal and every idea seems to begin with a version of, "My friend X is the CEO / Founder of XYZ Novel New-Age Social Startup, and has hosted over X-hundred unusual-themed social gatherings." It seems like the guy and his friends must be doing something social almost constantly, and frankly it seems exhausting, at least to this ambivert. My personal challenge is having a lot of great friends, and being very close to my partner and family (so I rarely feel lonely) but feeling like it is unrealistic to keep in super close touch with friends in various cities / eras of my life and wanting to hone-in my circle and go deeper with one or a few best, non-flaky friends. But who, and how? The book left me with few strategies to that end (other than be a good friend to everyone all the time, attend frequent meditative sunrise dance parties, ask deep uncomfortable questions as soon as you meet someone, etc.) and made me feel rather worse about it all. But the spirit of the book is good and it could have been better if it was more relatable and couched in acceptance of varied personalities and life situations.

[Roopa · Rating 2 out of 5]

In this non-fiction book, the author pulls together several ideas and concepts on how to find friendship as an adult. I absolutely was drawn to this because this is the secret sauce! It is so hard to find and connect with people post-college and outside of work. I was looking for tips that I could use and implement. I did find some of these but often the author used examples of specific programs or events a friend of theirs runs. Usually this would be in a large city, such as San Francisco, and wasn't easy to replicate if you lived not in San Fran. I enjoyed the short chapters with idea summaries. I did not enjoy continual plugging for businesses of friends of the authors. I'm an extrovert and honestly found many of the suggestions exhausting to even contemplate. There was a NY Times article about making friends as an adult that I prefer.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher, Perseus Books, Running Press, for providing me with an eARC in exchange for my honest review.

[Trisha · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was drawn to this one particularly because I felt like the pandemic really changed a lot of friendships and made a lot of people re-analyze their life. I like that the author also added parts of the pandemic into the story because I think it will be interesting to see friendships (both of the young and older) and how they change after we are allowed to start going out and being more social again.

This book was fascinating and I enjoyed the insight the author provided for living in the now and for enhancing shallow friendships in to more. But I didn't necessarily find much that I will be able to implement into my life necessarily. I can definitely see how there are many it will be insightful for and I'm really glad I gave it a try.

A huge thank you to the author and publisher for providing an e-ARC via Netgalley. This does not affect my opinion regarding the book.

[Joe · Rating 3 out of 5]

In Friendship in the Age of Loneliness, Adam Poswolsky brings to the forefront the challenges of cultivating and maintaining friendships in an age overwhelmed with technology, social media, and a pandemic. It's a topic that I think really resonates with me. And despite some of the decent suggestions on how one can go out and cultivate new and old friendships, I felt after awhile that Adam and his friends (whom he writes about often) are fun, extroverted people that love organizing and connecting with people in events that they create, etc. What I would give for a book written from the perspective of a solitary, introverted person looking at establishing genuine friendships without having to be the alpha-organizer of said events.

I have yet to curate all the resources found in the back of the book, and we'll see if going through them might give me a slightly better perspective on this read. Either way, I admit that I enjoyed parts, and that it's worth a read.

[Caroline Wallis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book puts into words so many things I experienced during the pandemic! As we all re-emerge into a world with all kinds of new social norms, it's more important than ever to be there for ourselves and our friends. "Friendship in the Age of Loneliness" is a relatable, inspiring, energizing, and well-researched book that underscores the importance of friendship and the many ways loneliness manifests itself in our daily lives.

[Cherie Werner · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the mother of two Millennials and a Gen Z, I am thrilled that there is now a practical guide for their generation on cultivating and maintain meaningful relationships.

"It's so hard to find new friends!" A standard-compliant I often hear from people of ALL ages, and social isolating during COVID has not helped. Friendship in the Age of Loneliness is a much-needed book for today because finding human connection, friendship, and belonging in the digital age can be difficult. Each chapter provides insights into what it looks like to create meaningful connections, whether with old friends or new ones. Every chapter has a practical takeaway for going deeper in relationships by drawing from field experts, researchers, community leaders, psychologists, and many of Adam Smiley's actual friends. They share how they foster connection and belonging to maintain their relationships with friends, whether in person or online.

The short chapters are inviting, practical, and easily digestible. It will be a book that I happily recommend and keep on hand to give away as a gift. I am so grateful Adam took the time to be a voice to his generation and those younger.

[S.J. · Rating 2 out of 5]

2/5 stars, full review to come.

Full review:

Who I'd recommend this for: Someone who has a lot of friends in their same city/close-by area that they are looking for ways to deepen relationships with them. Someone looking for ideas on how to connect more deeply with existing close friends. Someone who has a relationship with social media that interferes with making connections that they're looking to think critically about. This book also felt like it may be easier for a certain type of reader to connect with- a reader who has a flexible work schedule- probably in tech or as a motivational speaker/HR type- who is a young adult/recently out of college, atheist with a Christian background, liberal, with no dependents except for maybe a young child, who lives in a big city but will likely be on the move, and is probably a hipster.

What I liked: I liked the author's perspective on social media and learned a lot from it! I liked the author's perspective about rituals building friendship and that quote will stick with me. I liked some of the ideas for things to do with friends.

What I didn't like: It's not that this book didn't have any good ideas. It's that those good ideas felt like they were an inspirational and somewhat detatched social media post by someone in HR combined with a lot of fluff where the author universalises his experiences.

The author's references to Burning Man and the tech free week long camp he attends in Austin as exemplars of community, along with a few other examples, were not something that I could relate to or find too much value in (aside from the idea that reducing social media is a good for building connections) as someone who's stationary, trying to find local community that aren't one off experiences seperate from my daily life.

There's other books that I've read (some cited by the author) or am currently reading that felt like they approached similar subjects in ways that I enjoyed or connected with more: either in an objective evidence based way, by taking other perspectives, or by presenting their own experiences without universalising them.


Short review: This feels more like a guide for things to do with close friends you already have. It also feels geared towards a specific type of person who has a specific lifestyle, work, family situation, city, and disposible income, but presented as if it's universal. Maybe that's what you're looking for, and if so, I'd recommend this!

There are some good general tips among it- especially about social media useage and consistency/rituals. But there's other books that for me at least, seemed more general, many of which the author cites to.

[Molly · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is the least relatable book about friendship I have ever read. If you already have more friends than you know what to do with, congrats this book might be for you. If, like most people who would be drawn to pick up a book about friendship, you wish your social circle was a little larger, good luck. This is best described as a highlight reel of all the wonderful rituals and traditions the author has with his countless large groups of friends from different areas of life. Sure he tosses in a few bones about how you might meet new people, but most of the advice is about managing and deepening connections with existing friends.

Also, this guy seems so social it's borderline psychotic. The way he describes his own social life — with a number of weekly friend group Zooms, one-on-one hangs, making 14 phone calls per week to different people (?!?), spontaneous socializing with the 11 other people he shares a "co-living" house with — I don't see how he has time for ANYTHING else! The acknowledgments are four pages long, and at one point he gives thanks to his "especially" wonderful friends, in theory a caliber above the majority of his friends, which takes a FULL PAGE to list out. Idk man, this was not for me.

[Migi Taylor · Rating 2 out of 5]

Bluntly put, this one felt like getting advice from my recently-made tech friends who had just moved in to San Francisco in the early twenty-teens while I'd been there for ages, working 3 jobs to barely get by let alone sleep. Just completely different worlds and privileges. I know there are good intentions here but it often felt like a tech conference I didn't sign up for.

[Anna Goldfarb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Smiley does a great job explaining why modern friendships are so tough to navigate in this breezy, relatable book. He also peppers the book with lots of examples and interviews to bring his points to life. I'd recommend this book for anyone who wants to kickstart their social life.

[Rachel Dawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a powerful guide showcasing the opportunity in our being human for ourselves and our species. The interconnectedness of all life and potential solutions all rely heavily on intergenerational community. To do the best showing up, we must be honest with ourselves and let the truth shine through our hearts. Full of tremendous resources and small mighty prompts for meaningful activities, this is a must read. If you have friends with whom you already connect eyeballs to eyeballs, this is a must gift.

[periwynn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am very interested in the subject of friendship in this day and age, but this book sadly just wasn't for me. I expected that it will have a different approach to the subject, but instead it read kind of like a business book. And I really don't like the idea of treating friendship like some sort of a business.
I liked the bite-sized chapters as they helped me to read the book faster than anticipated and made it a bit more accessible than it would have been otherwise. But I really disliked how the book was actually written - everything was explained almost exclusively through author's personal experience, or experience of his friends or acquaintances. It came too close to some sort or autobiography/biography for my taste. And there were way too many times where I felt the author was just marketing those other people's businesses.
The book offered a few interesting ideas to implement in your life, but majority of ideas were quite unrealistic, especially for introverted people or people with social anxiety. Nonetheless it was a nice reality check and a reminder to connect with your friends more and be open to making new connections with people.

(I got an ARC of this book on NetGalley.)

[Masa M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

*I received a copy of this book as an ARC in exchange for an honest review*

I have read the book in one sitting and it really inspired me to think about my own friendships but also reflect on how friendships are created, maintained and how they flourish. I enjoyed that most of the books were a collection of real life examples and it will definitely encourage me to focus on other areas of where I can use them. I also enjoyed that many of the points were backed up by statistics and evidence showing how unconnected were becoming as a society.

Overall the book brought on feelings of hope, positivity and helped me reflect on important things in life which can sometimes be easy to forget.

[Candice Bentley · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author did include many suggestions for different activities in how to make and retain friends. However, much of the information on loneliness seemed superficial and lacked depth, more along the lines of what you could pick up out of newspaper headlines, making it feel less innovative. There were also introductions of many, many people that the author knows. This made the flow of the book seem less cohesive and also like a list of items to get through.

[Marisa Franco · Rating 5 out of 5]

Smiley wrote a practical and accessible guide full of creative tips for making and deepening friends. His book is a pure delight that made me think of friendship more deeply - to reflect on all the potential that our friendships have when we shake thinks up. Strong recommend.

[Sabrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great and timely book on friendship, and how to keep interactions with others meaningful, creative, and fun. Love all the personal stories added to each chapter.

[Kayleigh Reading with A Therapist · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was drawn to this book for its context. Many people have problems with making friends or holding friends, even more so since the pandemic. I wanted to see what the author had to say and what could be done about making friends during a very isolating and lonely time.

The book dives into many great ideas and suggestions that people can do to be closer and make more time for people they care about. Build routines, check ins, vacations, write letters, reach out, make time, mental associations, and of course spending uninterrupted time with each other, these are just some of the suggestions listed in the book.

One thing it was missing was what to do if you had anxiety around doing these things, how hard it could be to put these ideas into place, what if you didn’t have people to reach out to and could muster up the ability (or funds) to go to conventions and festivals. So it felt limiting in that sense.

While reading this book, the way the author speaks about the way they interacted with people and the mind set behind it reminded me very much of mine when I did mind altering/ mind expanding substances. The whole time reading I was thinking “this person must be on ecstasy”. And trust me it is a whole lot easier to be open, loving, and close to people when on such substances. No judgement what so ever, it is just interesting, I think the concept of this book and the connection it speaks about might have been made due to mind expanding drugs (Just an observation).

Again, the book has great suggestions on things to do with friends and how to let them know you care about them, but a big part of the book felt like a marketing book for the authors friends and the businesses they run. They are great companies and have made big differences in the world, just had a sale pitch overtone to it.

If you struggle with keeping friends or holding meaningful relationships, give this a chance.

[Zoë Soriano · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, I really enjoyed this book - a very nice reminder that friendships often require effort, and that relationships with friends are often just as important as relationships with partners.

There are a lot of great tips mentioned, a few useful ones being, “Do An Emotional Bandwidth Check” and “Don’t Ask, Just Help”. I did appreciate how Adam did mention to address race and gender whenever a topic was relevant to those issues.

I think it’s important to mention that this book does have a bit more of an extrovert vibe - a lot of the tips were things I felt I would be annoyed with if someone did them to me (such as calling friends without any kind of warning). I also thought that there were times that the language in the book did feel a bit silly and childish, but it wasn’t always deterring as the overall tone of the book was hopeful and positive.

Overall, would rate a solid 4/5! 🌟🌟🌟🌟

*I received a copy of this book as an ARC in exchange for an honest review*

[Nicole Terrizzi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Friendship in the Age of Loneliness provides a thoughtful analysis of the constraints and supports social media and a virtual environment have placed on meaningful relationships, while providing tips and tricks to ground your friendships in the new age. From "real" hugs and meaninful affection to leveraging friendship maps and experiencing your shared humanity with "tea with strangers", one thing is certain - this book gave me the nudge to lean into and value my friends and connections near and far!

[Jillian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Authentic, practical, and timely, this book offers wise insights and creative ideas that will deepen your connections with the people in your life.

[Conrade Yap · Rating 4 out of 5]

Survey after survey, both research and reports have pointed to a growing problem in our society. People are increasingly lonely. With the pandemic, things are not going to get any better. In fact, loneliness has accelerated because of the many lockdowns implemented by governments around the world. Many researchers have pointed out social media as a negative influence when it comes to addressing loneliness. While it is true that social media could have adverse effects on people, especially those with prolonged usage, leading to addiction, technology can still be useful to help people build friendship networks to connect with people. The key is proper usage instead of total abandonment. Author Adam Poswolsky takes this approach and goes further. He argues that the two keys for a happier life are to make new friends and to deepen existing ones. When our efforts to reach out are reciprocated, the relationship grows. In this book, he gives readers six ways to reclaim friendships in an age of loneliness:

1) Be More Playful
2) Be a Better Friend
3) Invest in Friendship
4) Stay in Touch
5) Embrace Ritual
6) Be a Minister for Loneliness in the community

In each of these steps, Poswolsky gives several specific applications to help us build friendship maps; be a better friend ourselves; invest time and resources to build networks; keep in touch intentionally; maintain a variety of activities that are regular even though they seem routine; and be a channel for change. These and a lot more examples should spark our interest and enthusiasm toward becoming a positive change in society.

As the saying goes, no man is an island. Poswolsky knows this not merely for a fact but for real as well. He writes, "Friendship sustains us through the most trying of times." Since the beginning of the pandemic, as the world gets locked down, the loneliness that is felt throughout the world, especially in the Western hemisphere has become more acute than before. Amid the devastating effects of lockdowns caused by the pandemic, author Adam Smiley Poswolsky gives us many reasons for optimism. Using technology like Zoom, one can keep in touch with friends even when in isolation. There is no need to travel long distances just to see one another. We could also connect without having to step out of our doors. Office work can be done from home, without having to deal with traffic congestion. Yet, to depend on technology and social media alone will not cut it. Poswolsky shows us alternatives every step of the world, choosing not to quit social media totally, but to persuade all to consider these alternatives creatively.

My Thoughts
The problem of loneliness is not new. The Bible has already mentioned that. In Genesis 2:18, we read how "The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Whether one sees this verse as the reason for marriage, whether the word "helper" is too derogatory for women, or whether this verse is too focused on the need of Adam, it is important to take a step back to reflect on the character of God. Perhaps, the Creator of the world knew right from the very start that the human being is a social creature. Humans cannot function alone. Humans are essentially in need of companionship. Humans are created to interact, fellowship, and live in a community. What if this verse in Genesis is applied more inclusively to include every person in the human race? Not everyone is going to get married. Not everybody can find a "suitable helper." Not every person is going to live happily ever after in some sort of one-to-one relationship. What if Gen 2:18 is a revelation of the natural tendency of a person to be lonely, and a magnifying glass to the need of human beings to live in a community?

Poswolsky has given us a wonderful resource for addressing loneliness. His key point is about reclaiming friendships in an increasingly lonely world. Why is it so challenging to make friends nowadays? This is interesting because many people would agree that family and friends rank high in their list of priorities. Yet, on closer examination, they put themselves and their own individual needs above these claims. This reveals the natural hypocrisy in many of us. We need to change that and this book provides us a way to think outside ourselves, to live beyond ourselves, and to learn to initiate care and friendliness. That way, we can change the world and not wait for things to happen before even trying. Filled with lots of ready-to-use ideas and examples, readers can pick up this book quickly and start reclaiming friendships.

Adam Smiley Poswolsky is a graduate of Wesleyan University. He is a popular keynote speaker, workplace belonging expert, and bestselling author of The Quarter-Life Breakthrough (Penguin Random House) and The Breakthrough Speaker.

Rating: 4 stars of 5.

conrade
This book has been provided courtesy of Running Press (Imprint of Perseus Books, a subsidiary of Hachette Book Group) via NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

[Jacob Williams · Rating 3 out of 5]

[Warren Buffett's] number one measure for success in life is "Do the people you care about love you back?"

This book is a grab-bag of suggestions for cultivating and enjoying relationships. If you feel like you don't have enough close friends in your life and want a systematic guide for fixing that, I'd recommend Platonic (review) instead. But there are some neat ideas here too.

The most thought-provoking chapter for me was about communal living. Smiley describes life in his "twelve-person co-living house":

One Saturday night before I went out, I was having a snack with a friend, and then my housemate's friend came over, and my other housemate's friend showed up. The conversation went from inequalities in public speaking to working in refugee camps to how VR is being used for transformative psychedelic experiences.

People always just seem to "show up" at the Manor, like they just arrived out of thin air and appeared in the kitchen to have a snack, but they are always lovely, interesting people and the conversations we have always leave me thinking more deeply.

That's what living in a dorm and later a shared house at college felt like for me, and I think Smiley pinpointed what made the experience so magical. When you live with enough other people in a decent space, you continually have natural, low-pressure opportunities to socialize. When you're lonely, you don't have to make plans, you just wander into the living room. And you can choose how much you want to engage: you can sit and read while your roommates do other things, occasionally looking up to share a joke; you can listen in on their conversations with their friends, and join the discussion if it turns to a topic you care about. I miss this a lot. After college, I avoided having roommates—I like privacy and quiet and not having to negotiate stuff like cleaning with other people. But perhaps in exchange for that independence I gave up something more valuable.

Moving into a community is like a warm blanket covering parts of your body that you didn't even know were freezing.

Smiley seems to place a lot of blame on social media for drawing people away from genuine connection. And he's got some evidence for that:

In my interviews with hundreds of millennials about their friendships, I found that there was a direct correlation between the number of Facebook friends or Instagram followers someone had and the lack of deep friendships they felt they actually had in their life.

This doesn't resonate with me personally. Social media in general and Facebook in particular have added a lot to my life, with usually-small downsides.[1] I suspect (speculatively) one factor in Smiley's more negative perspective on it might be that his occupation—a speaker, and founder of an organization that helps people become speakers—is highly dependent on his social network and his personal brand. I get the impression that he exists within a world where work and personal life are very intertwined. Social media probably takes on a different flavor when there’s no strong distinction between activity that represents yourself and activity that represents your business. (Of course, plenty of people who aren’t in that situation have problems with social media, too.)

Miscellaneous quotes and ideas I liked:


- "The road to loneliness is paved with comparison."
- The power of setting unusual rules for a social event, like requiring people to go by made-up names
- The comparison of "being around strangers to a game of chicken, where everyone is craving connection, but no one wants to be the first person to make a move."
- "Chances are, if you're not excited about showing up from a place of service in your community, that community isn't the right fit for you."
- Quoting Hua Hsu: "Stories about love offer models for how you might commit your life to another person. Stories about friendship are usually about how you might commit to life itself."
- Writing "a family manifesto" that sets explicit intentions in a romantic relationship
- The description of Shabbat as "the old-school digital detox"
- "white elephant costume exchange": "Everyone is told to bring a costume and wrap it. Each person gets a number, and whatever costume you get, you have to put it on and embody the character."

[1] Twitter is the only one I've felt the need to quit—its tendency to reward tribalism, aggression, dismissiveness, and belittlement eventually became hard for me to cope with—and my mood improved a lot after I did so. But even Twitter had been a net positive for me for years.

(crosspost)

[Wenli]

wholesome book!! I think what was more interesting than the advice was getting some insight into this dude's life. Dang this guy has a lot of friends and has talked to a lot of people about friendship. also learned that adult summer camps exist?! i thought i missed my chance to go to camp !! also really interesting that this was written / reflected upon during the pandemic. I feel like modern "loneliness" was definitely compounded by shelter in place / quarantining.

the chapters are organized in parts and each chapter is about 1-3 pages. each chapter title summarizes the message/advice rather succinctly. each part covers a theme

there was definitely some stuff that resonated and some stuff i want to try! i'm just going to write out all the chapter titles so I can loosely remember what this book covered:

part one: be more playful
- make a friend map
- trade screen time for friend time
- question what it means to be a grown-up
- try new things
- twenty questions more interesting than "what do you do?"
- become a sheriff of good times
- find something that makes you feel whole
- hug more, hug longer
- get into your body
- wherever you go, bring an offering
- open your world

part two: be a better friend
- belong to yourself first
- destigmatize mental health
- lose the agenda
- come as you are
- do an emotional bandwidth check
- be a hype person
- have a closet of trust at work
- start saying no
- be less flaky

part three: invest in friendship
- start slow
- always go on a second date
- go deep rather than wide
- honor the one-on-one
- know who's in your circle
- have fewer facebook friends
- treat your friends
- don't ask. just help.
- exchange your talents
- get somebody else a gig
- repair what's broken
- live in death's face

part four: stay in touch
- become a correspondence queen
- send a video love letter
- put friendship on the calendar
- bring good habits home
- keep a friend treasure box
- pick up the phone and call
- listen to a full album
- keep friendship in your family manifesto
- build a healthier relationship with social media
- make virtual connection a reality
- a few apps that help you connect with friends
- use technology to heal

part five: embrace ritual
- replace scrolling with gratitude
- create a unique routine
- swim in a creative container
- host a friends' showcase
- don't go out for drinks
- hold space for your friends
- have tea with strangers (and have tea alone)
- practice shabbat
- be vulnerable around other men
- uplift other women
- start a monday night activity club
- make an all my friends playlist
- have an intentional bachelor (or bachelorette) party
- think like a chief experience officer
- forty fun rituals to practice with your friends

part six: be a minister for loneliness in your community
- be an agent of human connection
- spend more time with people who are older (and wiser) than you
- foster intergenerational friendships
- create a support system for new parents
- create safe and supportive spaces
- bridge the divide
- build an exponential community
- live in community
- remember to let the light in

[Ceri · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think that the first Covid lockdown back in 2020 gave many of us a chance to look at our lives afresh. With having to form social bubbles it became clear who our nearest connections were. I became aware of things about my social life that I hadn’t been aware of. For example, most of my social interaction outside my household took place at work. I’d meet with friends at lunchtime and chat with colleagues, only meeting with friends outside worktimes periodically. Over the years of home-making and having children, my social life had dwindled; the friendships that I couldn’t cultivate at work had dropped off one by one and I hadn’t even realised, because I was either busy or tired out. Without daily interaction at work, and not being in the habit of contacting friends regularly outside work I began to feel really lonely and over time this was something I wanted to address which is why I read this book.

Friendship in the Age of Loneliness starts out with the pandemic, and I thought it might be the book that I was looking for. One of the things the book looks at is social media. This gives us the illusion of being connected but it’s something that is really only on a superficial level, and to really feel connected you need to go deeper. I think this is a very true statement, but the question is, how?

The author goes through a lot of examples on this, but I felt that very little of the advice given I could relate to. The ideas would work best for extroverted people, preferably living in San Francisco, with a lot of existing connections, money, spare time, and without children who they also need to make time for or childcare concerns. I felt that many of the ideas would be incredibly uncomfortable for somebody introverted, or somebody who hadn’t reached out in a long time and might feel nervous. The assumption seems to be that you are extroverted and confident, which presumably is the type of person who wouldn’t need to read a book like this!

There were some things which I felt were useful takeaways though, which is that it’s important to reach out, even if you feel it’s been a long time. You need to invest time into relationships for them to be strengthened. It can help to have rituals, to block out regular time for your friendships to keep nurturing them. That it’s important to have friendships with people who are not like you, to learn more and understand better. So although the book didn’t help me on a practical level, I found it interesting on a conceptual level and would rate it as a 3 star read.

* I received a copy of this book from Netgalley for my honest review

[Amanda Rodriguez · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm grateful to have been introduced to many of these concepts through playful adult communities, and pre-covid took active steps to de-tech my friendships and interactions. So covid was a bit of a shell shock for me, all of a sudden needing to rely on technology to stay connected. There were weeks where I felt zoom fatigue for sure, trying to make up for missed parties and dinners, and ultimately finding a balance for virtual connection.

For those who have strong friendships in the age of loneliness, its a call to action: a reminder to be 'ministers for loneliness in our communities.' For those who need a pick me up: its a guidebook and a road map to reconnect to the relationships we hold most sacred. I think I fall into both of these categories: I have strong connections and sometimes I struggle to stay connected with people I hold dear. For all it is a playroom full of relatable anecdotes, interactive activities and cold hard facts. The age of loneliness is nothing but an opportunity for humanity to rise into love.

I thought this would be a quick read, but just a few pages in I was creating and reignited group chats with some of my close friends, planning new rituals and reunions, and basking in the gratitude of what it is to be alive right now, in this age. I was beaming with love, furrowing my brow, and having breakthroughs about how I can be a better friend throughout what I've read so far! Really grateful to have received a copy of this book in advance so that I could leave an honest review.

[Joy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parts of this were great and parts of it were ridiculous. So, 3 stars. The first 1/3 was really bad, and sounded like inflated talk that a high-paid consultant blabbers about for 2 hours and afterwards you have no idea of how to implement anything they said. The next 1/3 was really quite good. It focused on ideas for maintaining friendships. The last 1/3 was kind of annoying again. However, there were some real gems at various places, about how to (concretely) preserve friendships. And a little bit about making new friends, but the parts I appreciated were about maintaining friendships.

[Anna Latimer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was full of amazing suggestions for cultivating community, connection, and friendship. It reminds me of the time I spent living in community while working for Americorps. While I wish I could recreate aspects of that time, this book helped me shape one of my goals for the new year: to focus on connection. Connection with old friends, making new ones, and engaging with strangers more often. The world would be better off if we were all more present in the moment rather than isolating ourselves with our devices!