Heartwood: The Art of Living with the End in Mind

by Barbara Becker

“We can do extraordinary things when we lead with love,” Barbara Becker reminds us in her debut memoir Heartwood.

When her earliest childhood friend is diagnosed with a terminal illness, Becker sets off on a quest to immerse herself in what it means to be mortal. Can we live our lives more fully knowing some day we will die?

With a keen eye towards that which makes life worth living, Barbara Becker—a perpetual seeker, a mom, and an interfaith leader—recounts stories where life and death intersect in unexpected ways. She volunteers on a hospice floor, becomes an eager student of the many ways people find meaning at the end of life, and accompanies her parents in their final days.

Becker inspires readers to live with the end in mind and proves that turning toward loss rather than away from it is the only true way to live life to its fullest. Just as with the heartwood of a tree—the central core that is no longer alive yet supports the newer growth rings—the dead become an enduring source of strength to the living.

With life-affirming prose, Becker helps us see that that grief is not a problem to be solved, but rather a sacred invitation—an opportunity to let go into something even greater…a love that will inform all the days of our lives.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Death, Grief, Self Help, Audiobook, Spirituality

224 pages, Hardcover

First published May 11, 2021

About the author

Barbara Becker's HEARTWOOD was selected by Katie Couric's list "Books That Will Change Your Life." It is the recipient of a Nautilus Gold Award. Through writing, she explores what it means to live a life of meaning. Her essay "Simplify, Simplify!" is featured in Suleika Jaouad's latest book, THE BOOK OF ALCHEMY.

Barbara has dedicated over twenty-five years to partnering with human rights advocates around the world in pursuit of peace and interreligious understanding. She has worked with the United Nations, the Ms. Foundation for Women, and the Grameen Bank of Bangladesh, and has participated in a delegation of Zen Peacemakers and Lakota elders in the sacred Black Hills of South Dakota.

PRAISE FOR HEARTWOOD

Gloria Steinem, Author & Activist:

"Life is an adventure of following our curiosity—that is, the voice of our true self—into the unknown world around us. In Heartwood, Barbara Becker tells the story of her own journey into understanding loss and love, and so inspires us to follow our curiosity into a world that is both universal and a source of our uniqueness. And what could be better than that?"

Jon Haidt, Best-selling author of The Anxious Generation:

"Barbara takes your hand and guides you through stories that will open your heart, reduce your fears, and deepen your love for the people you have lost, and will lose."


Mirabai Starr, Author of Caravan of No Despair and Wild Mercy:

"Heartwood is a luminous book. The language is simple, tender and wise, the story-telling riveting, and the presence of the narrator both dignified and authentic. I have rarely read a book that left me feeling so fundamentally blessed. Highly recommended."


“Becker debuts with a stirring chronicle of the events, moments, and stories that led to her reconciliation with mortality…Becker’s eloquence is a salve for confronting a difficult topic…This will be a comfort for anyone contemplating their own mortality, or those in search of advice for others.”
—Publishers Weekly Starred Review

“A graceful meditation on divine deliverance. Once firmly entrenched in our “death-shy” contemporary culture, the author is now a reassuring advocate for peace and interreligious understanding, and she views dying as an opportunity to seek enlightenment and give thanks, regardless of one’s preferred spiritual path.”
—Kirkus

“…an invaluable resource in living a life filled with meaning and purpose. A resource filled with wisdom and one that readers will find themselves returning to often in both good times and bad.”
—Shelf Awareness

“An affecting and informative memoir about the lessons we can glean from life as well as death.”
—Library Journal

“This insightful, quietly moving book is not just for the grieving or those who comfort them.”
—Booklist

Reviews

[Susan Kayne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This little gem of a book is one to savor – read slowly, word by word, pause and contemplate. When you have finished, pass the book along to someone else as a random act of kindness. No matter who you are, how different your life experience may be from author Barbara Becker's, you will relate to the humanity she infuses on every page. When we take time to connect the dots, the journey from birth to death is endlessly fascinating.

[Kathleen Gray · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a lovely thoughtful and timely book this is. The death of Becker's friend led her to examine everything she'd known and assumed about the end of life. Her volunteer work at a hospice was illuminating for her and for me as well. This isn't suffused with grief but rather about how grief is part of life. Thanks to Netgalley for the ARC. I'm not going a good job of describing this slim volume and I never thought I'd recommend a book about dying but this is about more than dying- it's about living- and I highly recommend it.

[Karen Ng · Rating 4 out of 5]

A nice book helping the reader making sense in a world that is unpredictable; the author used experience in her own life as well as some of her friends and family. The book is in the same category as Matt Haag's The Comfort Book and Jane Gooddall's The Book of Hope, but reading this book was like listening to the stories of a friend so quite personal while the other two were more detached for me.

[Carol Orange · Rating 5 out of 5]

Barbara Becker has examined the taboo subject of death and turned it on its head. She embraces our fears with love and acceptance. Growing up as the only daughter ( she has two brothers) of a doctor and nurse Barbara was no stranger to illness, but when cancer took her childhood friend Marisa’s life, she was heartbroken. Yet Marisa’s untimely death also taught her to appreciate life’s ebb and flow more fiercely than ever. Barbara has always been drawn to helping others, first in Bangladesh where she risked her life interviewing entrepreneurial women who benefited from microloans. She worked as a hospice volunteer bringing comfort to those who were dying, some without any loved ones to mourn their loss. When it came time for Barbara to help her wonderful parents face death she did so with unconditional love and dedicated care. It touched my heart to read about the tender ways in which she was there for them to the very end. All of us can learn from Barbara Becker’s many examples of “living life with the end in mind.” She has found inspiration in nature as well as from life experiences. Recently she has become an ordained interfaith minister so that now she operates in a more official capacity, but her genuine love for people comes through no matter what the circumstances. I highly recommend this gem of a book. I promise that it will enhance your life to get to know Barbara as you follow her meaningful journey through its pages.

[Mystic Miraflores · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a thoughtful and authentic book which made me consider how to try to live each day fully, find miracles in something everyday, continue to devote my time and effort to community service, and try to be more empathetic with people. However, with the last point, I will need some kind of training. I believe I have some empathy, but I can certainly have more. I appreciate the author's perspective that we can learn something from all religions and cultures. I look forward to future books by the author.

[Artemisia Hunt · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful book with a powerful message about facing the ultimate truth about life—that it is temporary—and turning that realization into a way of living that is fuller, richer and centered on the love we all share. Barbara Becker takes this lesson to heart as she throws herself into a quest to explore the miracle of life even in its most final stages. She volunteers in a hospice, takes part in a Native American ceremony at the site of a previous indigenous massacre, and also supports some of her own loved ones through the dying process. Turning to meditation practice and ritual to deepen her own understanding of life, she eventually decides to dedicate herself to becoming an interfaith minister. With all of her due diligence, willingness to learn and most of all, her sincere and compassionate heart, Becker gives us all an inspiring blueprint for learning to live “with the end in mind”.

[Jakki Kenney · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a beautiful book. I’m not a religious person but I’ve always found myself connecting and appreciating the practices of the spiritual/religious views of all that mankind practices. Well the author does this. She connects them all in a beautiful and dedicating way. Not just in life but In death which the book most focuses on. I’ve been searching for a sense of healing/peace/answers since my dads passing in 2019 and this book provided so many different perspectives. Very grateful for this gifted ARC from flat iron books. If you are grieving I highly recommend this book.

[Lovely Day]

DNFd at 1%

After some red flags at the start, I looked into it further and this is not a Christian perspective, but more of a ‘worldly spiritual mindset’…

[Sierra Slater · Rating 4 out of 5]

At first after reading 3/4 of this book I was going to give three stars. The last quarter struck a cord with me though and I cried many times. Death can be looked at in such a beautiful perspective and like Becker said, grief can become a beautiful expression of love. This book reminded me of loved ones I’ve lost in my life and reminded me to cherish every day with my loved ones. As a Christian I have an especially sweeter view of death knowing those who lived their life for Jesus now get to be with Jesus for eternity. This doesn’t mean I don’t miss them. “Life was never meant to be about our self-interests but about being a source of love for others” page 186.

[MKF · Rating 1 out of 5]

The author is one of those people with perfect lives telling you how you should live your life. No matter the story it always revolves around her and after a while I started to wonder if she just wrote this book to brag.

[Lisa Goldberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a beautiful book!! Reading Heartwood felt a bit like pausing to take a deep breath to center myself. In our culture we’re so used to turning away from death that, when eventually faced with losing a loved one, most of us meet the experience having had few conversations that would help prepare us. Yet each of us will inevitably experience the loss of loved ones, probably many times over, as well as the recognition of our own mortality. In Heartwood, Barbara Becker shares her journey to discover what happens when we stop turning away from the inevitable and turn toward it instead. Through multiple lenses – as mother, daughter, friend, human rights advocate, hospice volunteer and interfaith minister – in spare and elegant language, she shares her personal stories of witnessing and grappling with death. Her stories are sometimes heartbreaking but always engaging and life affirming in the end. Much in the way of 'Tuesdays with Morrie,' they reveal how keeping in mind that we won’t live forever allows us to see more clearly what we value, and to be more fully present in life as we live it. This is a perfect book for anyone facing the loss of a loved one – which is of course all of us.

[L. Bordetsky-Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Barbara Becker’s stunning memoir is a courageous look at loss and dying—a taboo subject in our society. Becker breaks down these silences and offers the wisdom she has gleaned through her own experiences as well as the scholarly research she has done on this subject. Her sections on the pain of seeing parents grow older, frailer, and then die, as well as her stunning chapter about her multiple miscarriages hit a very personal note for me. Becker opens up a dialogue that is necessary. I felt wiser after reading this gem of a book. It is not easy to break down the silences of taboo subjects, but with intelligence and grace, Barbara Becker does just that in this beautiful book. What’s also amazing about Heartwood is that this is a book for all ages since she shares the evolution of her own relationship with death that started when she was just a young girl. Barbara Becker has created a book for everyone to enter and to come out with a deeper understanding of themselves.

[Laurie Hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an inspirational read! I read it cover-to-cover in one day; I couldn't put it down. Instead of fearing death or denying that we will all have an ending to life, the author re-frames facing death as an integral part of life, giving meaning to our everyday lives. She spent a year of living as if it were her last year of life and found that she was more loving and more grounded in the present. She was more open to the miracles of everyday life. This is such a spiritual book and so timely after 14 months of so much fear and loss during the COVID-19 pandemic. I know that I will keep coming back to this book, particularly when my parents and other elderly relatives and friends begin to pass away.

[Elaine · Rating 3 out of 5]

The target audience, no doubt, for "Heartwood: The Art of Living with the End in Mind" is my mid-70's peers and me. Perhaps because I’d recently read a very similar book, and gave it five stars, this one didn’t really sing to me. Because I love memoir, Barbara Becker's personal stories were interesting, and the story of Maureen touched my heart. But, I’d started it and read (listened) halfway through and then forgot about it for a few weeks. When Libby threatened to return it, I finished it on Hoopla, and I found the narrator’s voice still annoyingly flat as Becker details her parents’ deaths. Sadly, I heard no music for "Heartwood."

[Maggi LeDuc · Rating 5 out of 5]

A friend sent me this book to help me as I process my own grief. The author, her sister-in-law, has similar thoughts on confronting death during life as I do, she told me. I went into this book cautiously, not one for anything like self-help.

I devoured it. I had to slow myself down by consciously putting the book down so I could think about the chapters I read. My friend was right, I connected with Barbara's views on death and I'm so grateful to her for sending me this and giving me the space to read it when I was ready.

[Stcren · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was to read this book for a year long spirituality group I am in.

This author is a mile wide and an inch deep. No depth. Unfortunately, she is a very priveleged white woman who writes as if she is profound. She makes people's trauma about her and centers herself.

I could only get through 2/3 of the book before I had to just stop. As a woman of color...I found this book very triggering.

[Barb Cymanski · Rating 5 out of 5]

A short memoir helping to us reflect on how we live and love one another. I was listening to the audio book, if I had a book I owned there would have been many ideas and quotes highlighted or underlined.

[Kris Springer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this in preparation for Barbara Becker’s appearance at our library in April. I admire her learning, curious spirit and desire to build reverence for all the stages in others’ lives as a hospice volunteer and to reflect on her own mortality. Listening to this book helped me to feel more peaceful and centered.

[Linda Hutchinson · Rating 5 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I am not afraid to die. I simply hate to leave those I love behind. Don’t we all? The book’s a good reminder of the wonderful things we have yet to accomplish. But, the older I get, the more I realize that living in the present, with the end in mind, is essential. It gives us a loving reminder to enjoy the now and live fully with the luxurious time given to us. Heartwood by Barbara Becker, reminds us that our lives are always in flux, changes flitter around, we adapt, we learn and grow, and then we journey on. As the author quotes Meher Baba: “Death isn’t the end; It’s only the end of this body.” A tree when cut up, is comprised of many rings, and the middle and toughest ring is called the heartwood. So it is with our hearts, we have loving memories of those who have gone ahead and those who surround us and at its core remains our heart loving outward. This is not a sad book. This is a beautiful reminder of what is essential in life. I appreciate my public library, Orlando Public Library System, @ocls where I “borrowed” this little gem. I am going to buy it to keep with my cherished books. “Out of the muck of life, beauty will emerge.” I wish you a joy-filled day. XO #life #love #loss #death #memories #living #growing #learning @barbarabeckersworld #heartwood #debutmemoir
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[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished Barbara Becker’s book and am so moved by it. It is beautifully written and intensely interesting – each and every story and her incredible insights and experiences. I found myself tearing up and then suddenly laughing out loud throughout. It brought back memories of when I was with loved ones as they took their last breath – Becker’s descriptions and feelings are so honestly written and capture the profound and truthful aspects of those moments. Also, her descriptions of the experiences with hospice patients -- entering the room and being present; asking if she can hold their hand and then placing her hand under theirs so that they are in control; dealing with a man's anger without judgement -- all of that is so powerful and so meaningful. All of her stories: the miscarriages, loss of parents, sudden loss of friends, the park nearby and its tough history, and all the details and personalities within the stories come through so distinctly and with such human-ness.

Becker’s journey is beautiful, relevant, and purposeful, and the way she shares it here is so generous and insightful. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this and sharing your journey so beautifully -- there are so many people I want to share this book with!

[Stacy Wilhoit DeCoste · Rating 3 out of 5]

Recently I attended four funerals in an eleven day period. We will all die, yet it's not something I relish or look forward to. Even with a strong faith in the next life, it's difficult to think about leaving behind those we love. This little book shares stories of those who have come to terms with death, one way or another, either their own impending death or the loss of a loved one. While it did make me think about it, as did attending the recent spate of funerals, I am still not entirely left with a feeling of comfort or happiness about death. I know where I'm going; I'm just not ready yet. But to live each day as though it's your last--now there's something to ponder on.

[Sherri Puzey]

53 // HEARTWOOD: The Art of Living with the End in Mind is a wonderful new resource for those who are grieving or caring for ill loved ones. Barbara Becker explores what we can learn from death and how our being open to death can in fact teach us how to live. Through stories of loved ones and those she cared for in Hospice, Barbara approaches death and dying with great tenderness and wisdom, allowing us to see that grief can be a beautiful expression of love.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came to the realization that in order to live, one must not be afraid to.

[Donna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I almost never give a book 5 stars (because that implies there is absolutely nothing about the book that could be better, not even the jacket cover). But this book is an extraordinary exception. It's short and could be read in an afternoon, but my advice would be to spread it out, savor it, ponder it, let it seep into your own personal life. The author, an ordained interfaith minister, chronicles the way death has interspersed her life events and shares with us what she has learned. From a death that occurred before she was born, to the sharing of an evening gatha...which I hope will remain forever on my lips...she shows us how "life and death are of supreme importance" to each of us. I was fortunate enough to have read this over the course of six weeks with my yoga book club and able to process it with them for an hour each week. My advice would be to get the book, gather some friends and read, ponder and discuss. Oh, and even the jacket cover is perfect!

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This beautiful book is about living one's life fully, being in the present and including death as part of life, a transition of beauty, mystery and peace. Becker is an Interfaith Minister and writes about personal stories of living and death, including the miscarriages of two daughters and the deaths of her parents. She volunteered with a hospice facility in NYC and tended to people who were actively dying sometimes drawing their last breath.. It's a humbling read and highly recommended for those not reckoning with their own mortality .. It's also a humbling read if you have done reckoning for your mortality! The analogy of the heartwood in a tree, the core of what keeps it upright and strong yet it is not alive. The front cover reads, "The central core is no longer alive yet supports the newer growth rings-the dead become an enduring source of strength to the living." Barbara's writing is lovely and inspirational.

[Jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a truly beautiful look at death and the many ways in which it weaves through our lives. Becker sets it up so each chapter focuses on a different person whom she's lost and both the poignancy and transcendence that accompany their deaths. I connected to so many different phrases and experiences. I'll probably buy a physical copy just to have and re-read parts (which I never do!) which really spoke to me. I was afraid the book may be preachy because as an atheist I struggle to find books about death that don't veer in that direction, but religious conversion is never a part of this story, though respect for a variety of religions is evident and gently handled throughout.

An excellent look at a difficult topic whose prose felt healing in a way that left me wanting even more.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a powerful little book. This begins by describing a challenge that Becker took on as her childhood friend was dying of cancer: what if she lived a year of her life as if it were her last?

In the subsequent pages, Becker shares so much of what she's learned about death from those around her. She's led an incredible (and quite privileged) life and has had the opportunity for a myriad of experiences. The best part is that she works hard to find reverence in all of them. I found this book fascinating and thought-provoking and am very happy that a dear friend introduced me to it. My little journal is going to fill up in no time thanks to some of the ideas that Becker has sparked.

[Lissa00 · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars. In 2019, we lost three close family members to tragic deaths. Following closely behind that year, of course, was the beginning of the pandemic and it felt like death was greatly on my mind. This book was a therapeutic read. The author talks about her own losses along with her time volunteering on the Hospice floor of a hospital. She discusses different philosophy and beliefs on dying and coming to accept that all life ends in death. This was written in a peaceful and soft way (I don't know how else to describe it) and reinforces the notion that everyone will die, and it is our acceptance of that fact that makes life and love all that much more worthwhile. I received a digital ARC of this book through NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Lisa Benne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished reading Heartwood. I was so moved by this thought-provoking book that I just ordered 4 more copies to send to family & friends. Barbara's honest and insightful book brings clarity to the connection between our lives & the acknowledgement, awareness and ultimate acceptance that death is a natural part of life. Each chapter stands on it's own but they are all connected by a thread of heartwood. I would recommend this book to anyone from teenagers thru senior citizens.

[Tami Dillon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Find me a more lovely and meaningful book. Barbara Becker is a beautiful soul with so much to give us. I “read” this book as an audiobook while on my morning dog walks. Barbara packs this work with so many gifts. Truly Truly a gem. One to be savored. I will listen to it again, but slower…and I will make notes. Such beauty. This book has made me live my life better. Dear Barbara, thank you.