Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility

by Janet Jaffe, David Diamond, Martha Diamond

For people experiencing infertility, wanting a baby is a craving unlike any other. The intensity of their longing is matched only by the complexity of the emotional maze they must navigate.

With insight and compassion, Drs. Janet Jaffe, Martha Diamond, and David Diamond-specialists in the field of Reproductive Psychology who have each experienced their own struggle with infertility-give couples the tools to:

*Reduce their sense of helplessness and isolation
*Identify their mates' coping styles to erase unfair expectations
*Listen to their "unsung lullabies"--their conscious and unconscious dreams about having a family--to mourn the losses of infertility and move on.

Ground-breaking, wise, and compassionate, Unsung Lullabies is a necessary companion for anyone coping with infertility.

Genres: Nonfiction, Health, Self Help, Psychology

304 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 2005

Reviews

[Jenna Hackworth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an incredibly encouraging read for me. Currently in our 20th month trying to conceive and having gone through treatments, heartbreak, frustration, anger, etc., this book was so refreshing.

I've read a couple other books about infertility, but none of them really delve into the real emotion of the experience and how to cope. This book having been written by three psychologists who all went through infertility, they get into the nitty gritty of why you feel what you feel and that it's OK.

The chapter about grieving the loss of what you always dreamed your "Reproductive Story" would be had me crying. Anyone trying to conceive has this image built up about how it's all going to fall into place, and when it doesn't, that dream needs to be grieved. This chapter was especially hard for me but so rewarding at the same time.

The last paragraph of the book has what I think is the best description of how this book was written. They say, "Whether you are still involved in treatment, have become a parent through alternate means, or have decided to remain childfree, your infertility trauma will become but one strand in the fabric of your reproductive life. As you continue to live and rewrite your story in the times to come, we hope you will find peace."

Wonderfully encouraging book. I will definitely recommend this book to any and everyone I know going through Infertility.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has been a great help as I have navigated my own journey, as well as better understanding where friends are at and have been in theirs. I would consider this a must have for those going through infertility, as well as for friends and family who seek to educate themselves without putting the burden on those who are going through this.

[Christy Blanco · Rating 4 out of 5]

Literature about coping with infertility is devastatingly limited. I searched and searched for something that might help me wrap my head around my experiences with infertility and Unsung Lullabies gives voice to feelings I've experienced largely in isolation.

It was published in 2005 and certainly dated ; there isn't as much attention to struggles experienced by the LBGTQ+ community, the advice for males feels very heteronormative and borders on toxic masculinity (though I will say it has been accurate in my specific situation).

A lot of the book feels written for women and addresses emotions specifically associated with female-factor infertility. According to some statistics, male-factor infertility accounts for up to 50% of all infertility cases (the book puts the number at 40%). In 2023, I see an opportunity for an updated 2nd edition. The book does touch upon this topic but the section pales in comparison with the sections about female-factor infertility.

I liked this book a lot more than I thought I would and though I struggled with parts (fresh wounds) I'm glad I picked it up.

[Jennifer Lucking · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve found it difficult to find books on infertility (let alone good ones). This is the best I’ve read yet. The first book I’ve read that framed infertility as trauma.

[Britney M · Rating 4 out of 5]

“You can’t erase what you have been through but you can and will get through this, and this chapter of your reproductive story, albeit rewritten, will come to a close.” Unsung Lullabies pg178

[Kendra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Okay. I love this book. It explores the emotional aspect of infertility. The three authors each experienced infertility themselves and are also clinical psychologists who currently work with people struggling through the crisis of infertility. That perspective gives a lot of depth and reality to this book. I appreciated the validation of feelings and the understanding of what some one struggling with infertility goes through. I feel that this book was very helpful and insightful. I learned and grew from the experience of reading this book. However, it was not an easy read. To go in depth on a subject so tender and sensitive and close to the heart - brought a lot of tears. You struggle with your own feelings and uncover other issues as you read. But - that is what makes it a healing experience. I recommend this book to anyone who has experienced a diagnosis of infertility or to anyone who truly wants to understand what those going through infertility experience. Anyway, sorry for the long review - but I really liked this book!

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Before reading this book, I thought I knew everything there is to know about grief and loss. It's funny how I never thought of infertility itself as a loss. I always took note of miscarriage and stillbirth because that was a loss of life. I also learned that grieving is not a lineal process but a continual cycle as we grief different parts of our "reproductive story" as the book calls it. The story that exists in the very core of our being of how our story of pregnancy and parenthood would play out. So in short I feel more normal. I would really recommend this book to all our family & friends. People want to help but they don't know how and this book helps in that area too.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

As far as books on infertility go it's probably the best I've read. For once somone actually pointed out the range of emotions you go through and validated your feelings. This is one of those books however that you shouldn't read if you aren't ready to have your heart ripped out through your nose. The authors are all three psychologists and really make you go back through every part of your reproductive trauma. It's a must read for anyone struggling to have a baby, but hard read none-the-less.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would recommend this one for anyone who knows someone who struggles with infertility. Personally, I felt like everything covered in the book I already knew, having experienced a lot of it myself, but I would highly recommend it as a book to help people understand infertility (especially those unfamiliar with it). If you want someone to understand how you feel or what you are going through, hand them read this book. It's a quick and easy read but very informative on the trials and feelings of infertility.

[Crystal · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was reading this to see if it would be a good book for clients, and I really think it is. It covers the whole spectrum from going through infertility to what if you do have a baby and there are emotional things that come up after that too! It also covered gender/relationship considerations, which I think a lot of pregnancy-related books fail to do. If you or anyone you know is going through infertility, this book is for you!

[Marianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book, one I reference often. It is good for someone going through infertility and for friends and family of a loved one going through infertility. It is one of the most difficult things a person should never have to go through. Having as much support as possible is extremely important. I can not stress enough how much it would help a person who is suffering from the disease of infertility to have a loved one read this book.

[Janalyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book contains no medical jargon. It validates the infertility experience, and it has helped me to understand my "reproductive story" and how to cope with experiencing infertility. I highly recommend it. I took a few notes as I read, to share with my husband. Because of that, I felt like I discovered new things-almost a therapy experience.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read for anyone struggleing with infertility. It does not explore the medical side of how to overcome infertility, but how to deal and cope with the struggle of being infertile. It is a must read!!!

[Sara Liebman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a difficult book to read, but it was worth it. The writers don't shy away from telling the reader something they don't want to hear, but also lend support and solidarity in dealing with infertility and all the mixed emotions that go with it.

[Jocelyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Every person (male and female) who is going through infertility should read this book.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book with commonsense methods for dealing with the psychological aspects of infertility.

[Monica Roy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is painful to read but was helpful. I would recommend it to anyone who is in the midst of infertility.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

To any infertile women, friends or family of childless people, this helps explain a lot.

[Brittany Luoma · Rating 5 out of 5]

Book #2 of 2017 Reading Challenge - A book that made you cry.

[Katie Nunn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really helpful. Rational, practical, and empathetic help for couples going through infertility.