Talking to Depression: Simple Ways to Connect When Someone in Your Life is Depressed

by Claudia J. Strauss, Martha Manning (Foreword)

When someone suffers from depression, friends and family members naturally want to help—but too often their good intentions come out all wrong. This practical, compassionate guide helps readers understand exactly what their loved one is going through, and why certain approaches help and others have the potential to do damage. Talking to Depression offers specific advice on what to do and what not to do—and what to say and what not to say—to avoid frustration and give the kind of caring, effective support that will make a difference.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Health

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2004

Reviews

[Miriam Stern · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book and so easy to read!

It's very difficult to see someone you love going through a rough time, but, as you watch them drift farther away and see them isolate themselves, you realise you want to help, scratch that, you NEED to help. This book is absolutely amazing to tackle how to approach someone you love when you think they're depressed. It helps you identify the symptoms, what to say and what NOT to say. It's so so so hard, especially when you understand how depression can be devastating.

I also liked how the book explained depression as any other disease. Think about it as pneumonia. You would tell someone with pneumonia to visit a doctor. You would treat it so that it goes away. Same thing with depression.

People fighting depression are champions. They do it every day and our job as 'laypeople' is to support them, LISTEN to them, reach out and try to bring colour back into their world.

A huge thank you to Claudia Strauss for shedding some light into this journey that we might all tackle some day, whether with someone we know or maybe, with ourselves.

Reach out. Be Kind. <3

[Carol · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book for those who want to help a loved who suffers from depression. Advice on how to help; what to say and what not to say; how to show your support; how to keep life on track and how to give to help their healing process. Also covers suicide-- warning signs, what to ask, how to move toward survival: day by day. Also focuses on kids and teenagers, and how to take care of the care giver.

After living with an adult daughter who has suffered from depression for 10 years and not being able to get any advice from therapists, is like driving a car in the dark. You have no idea whether you are on the road or headed towards a ditch. This book, at least, gives some suggestions as to what would be ok to say, or do from the perspective of the one completely disabled by the depression. For years I have been asking for therapist for family counseling but it has fallen on deaf ears. This book has given me ways to communicate with my daughter, and has given me hope.

[Sally · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty good read for anyone trying to help a friend who is suffering from depression. Some practical and helpful advice and specific ideas about how to help. Not particularly inspirational, though, if that makes sense? Maybe inspirational isn’t the right word. It’s a good read, but not great. Can’t quite put my finger on why it didn’t really resonate with me.

[Nancy Bandusky · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent resource for anyone dealing with someone who has depression. It provides insight into how a depressed person feels and what one can say/do to help the person suffering with this illness.

[La'Tonya Miles · Rating 4 out of 5]

found it incredibly helpful

[LiterarySparrow · Rating 3 out of 5]

As other reviewers have mentioned, this book is probably most helpful for someone who does not know much about depression and is just beginning to support a person with depression. For those who have lived with a loved one's depression for some time, it is not likely to offer anything revolutionary, although sometimes reviewing basics can be helpful even after many years of experience.

The initial overview on depression in Part I and the suggestions on how the caregiver can take care of themselves in Part VII are probably the most valuable portions of the book, especially for someone facing a new diagnosis in a spouse or child. Part III includes concrete suggestions on actions support people can take to help a person with depression. We can be overwhelmed by the enormity of the need and it can be difficult to figure out where to begin helping, and this section can offer a starting place. Parts IV and VI cover suicide and children/teens, respectively, and may be helpful for those dealing with those specific situations.

Speaking for my personal experience with this book, the "what to say" lists were not all that helpful for me. They were mainly intuitive things I had discovered for myself. I also cannot remember such phrases when the time comes to actually use them, and my loved one would be highly irritated if I had the book handy for reference during conversations. In both that section and the body language one, I think it's easier to remember a single principle than to try to remember possible comments from a long list (even a topically organized list). That principle is: your loved one is not their depression. Treat them with dignity and respect--listen with an open heart and mind, affirm their value and significance, and don't try to fix them.

The resource list at the back of the book offers a wide range of organizations and books for further information and support.

This isn't the book I need, but I can see its potential value for others. It is intuitively organized and efficiently presented. Giving it 3 stars because it is useful for what it is.

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

When an intrapsychic (inside a person) condition like depression affects one person, the effect is not solely internal to that individual. People who care about that person, such as a romantic partners, friends, siblings, or parents are part are interpersonally affected. Because of their love and empathy, they can feel a wide range of emotions from the person with depression including but not limited to anxiety, tenderness, and fear.
Depression manifests in various ways for different people, but often, sleep changes, eating changes, and energy level occur. If a partner shares home or children with a person going through depression, that partner may find themselves taking on more of the caretaking load with all of their other responsibilities in addition to emotions. If the person’s work is affected, financial stress can be added on to the partner relationally. Depression is a condition inside of one person but rarely is one person affected.
Strauss understands the role that emotional attunement with loved ones plays in a person with depression. Professional help is often required as a critical part of experiencing and treating depression. However, it is the loved ones in daily life who spend the majority of time with the person experiencing depression. They are the vital, hands-on-the-ground-whole-life gateway to love and connection, day in and day out. This book is meant as an additional boon to therapy where those who love someone with depression can find ways to help their person by staying connected, avoid disconnection with unhelpful or supportive phrases, and learn also how to take care of themselves through the process.
The book is easy to read with clear and straightforward text. Few citations are in the text, no academic jargon used, and the language reads as people talk: general and conversational.
Strauss begins in part one with frequently as questions about depression, overviewing symptoms and treatments and describing in a general way what depression feels like. Parts two and three focus on verbal and nonverbal mechanisms to embody being a safe, emotionally supportive loved one. Part four helps readers assess if a person might be suicidal (if you suspect your loved one is suicidal or are concerned but aren’t sure, you or your person reaching out to professional help immediately is critical). Part five offers guidance on handling situations like being rebuffed from your person with depression. Because the person with depression might be a your co-parent, part six shares how to be supportive and open with children about depression in age-appropriate ways. The final part shares how caretakers can take their of their own well-being through the process.
One important takeaway is that while Strauss is not a mental health clinician (she is an English instructor and communication consultant), book reviewers held positions in social work, counselor education, and clinical psychology at the time of publication.

*** For more books on relationship resources, please visit my website, www.thecouplessyllabus.com***

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Succinct and to-the-point.

“Many people suffering from depression survive suicide every day.”
“People suffering from depression are strong and resilient and brave. We don’t see it because the battle is not visible, but that doesn’t mean we can’t recognise it and acknowledge it. This battle takes place inside, and it rages in silence.”
“In physical battles, we celebrate the bravery of the soldier who falls. The bravery of the psychological warrior is no less.”
“Pain doesn’t come with an expiration date” - Claudia J. Strauss

[Rose Boyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good basic book for how depression plays out and what to do if your loved one is suffering. If your person is severe, just start at the back of the book, in the suicide section. I started at the front, of course! however, I became frustrated waiting to find my person! which was totally in the back of the book. Then, it didn't say a lot. It's just brief. The information was still useful. There is a resource section at the end.

[Beth Boyum · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be helpful in understanding what it feels like to be depressed and how to walk alongside those experiencing depression in helpful instead of hurtful ways. The FAQ sections contained great info and the suggestions for how to put words to thoughts in specific situations were illuminating. The book’s chapter for the one coming alongside a depressed person was also great.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is extremely helpful in beginning to understand what your loved one is going through. It walks you through the everyday interactions and approaching conversation and connection with someone who is mostly likely unable to participate. It changed my perception and approach.

[Elma · Rating 3 out of 5]

So much to learn in this department, and this was a good start. Easy, accessible to read with direct ideas to support as well as good general overview of the condition and what it can mean for various folks. Glad do have this on my shelf.

[Christine Fay · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good starting point for someone who has no experience.

[Timothy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great little book with very practical advice about how to help people with depression, focusing mainly on how to keep things from getting worse.

[Abigail · Rating 4 out of 5]

A practical “guide” to helping someone and oneself deal with depression. Not a replacement for the assistance of professionals.

[Maggie McKenna · Rating 2 out of 5]

A very basic guide. Strauss admits that this book is full of only suggestions, and that is clear. It's somewhat helpful, but not very. But then again, there's only so much you can do to help your depressed loved one and to help yourself deal with their depression.

[Rindy Girl · Rating 3 out of 5]

If there is anyone in your life that you love and you know is depressed, this book can help you broach the subject, find them help and understand what they are going through. It's helpful because it tells you how they view things, how something you say meaning to be helpful can seem to a depressed person to be very unhelpful and even hurtful. I was told most of what this book has to say by the depressed person in my life. Reading this book helped me to believe what he was telling me and helped to validate where he was coming from. If you don't know much about depression this is a good place to start. I didn't find this book helpful enough for the person helping the depressed person. There was one short chapter on making sure you don't get depressed too and ensuring you take time for yourself but I'm still struggling with how to cope with the anger, frustration and exhaustion I feel from helping the person I love. It's very draining and this book doesn't really talk about how to cope with being dumped on and having your needs/concerns take the back burner.

[Kirsten · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this after a friend of mine read it and said she thought it was excellent. This ia a layperson's guide to depression. It's designed to provide useful, concrete advice for those times when you're afraid that what you say might be misconstrued, or might make things worse rather than better. I think it succeeds admirably in this; I have been severely depressed several times, and there was nothing here that made me roll my eyes or say, "Oh, no WAY would I want to hear that!" Of course, that doesn't mean that everything in the book's going to help specific situations, but it's a good foundation, I think. I do wish that there had been slightly more information about various methods of treatment. Medication and other forms of treatment are often a difficult topic of conversation for depressed people and their loved ones, and some more discussion of the whys and wherefores of that would have been helpful. Overall though, highly recommended.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic book that gives you all the necessary tools for you to help a loved one that is suffering from depression. We all want a loved one to overcome depression but during the throes of it, we never know what to say exactly. Any badly worded sentence can set them off or make them feel worse. You may not be the therapist or doctor but you can surely become an ally in the battle against depression if you take this book and read it. It gives you helpful tips on how to approach someone with depression, how to talk to them in a way that makes them feel that you are interested in helping them out and many other valuable tools. It's easy to read with various Q&A sections. Claudia Strauss has created a book that has helped me immensely and I cannot recommend it enough.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have read quite a few books recently on Severe Depressive Disorder and I went into Talking to Depression with very high hopes that it would help me better understand as a spouse and caregiver. Strauss does an excellent job writing about depression and her tips on what not to say or do are invaluable tools, however I was looking for more. I would recommend Talking to Depression to anyone who knows someone who is suffering from a Depressive Disorder, it will help a person know how to talk to someone who is depressed. As for me, I shall continue to look for more books, especially books more geared toward the whole family as depression does indeed impact the entire family and Talking to Depression only briefly broached the subject.

[Lora · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn't give this book 4 stars because it was absolutely riveting. It was, however, broken down into very manageable chunks, and had a lot of helpful advice. Nothing earth-shattering, but still good. Like better ways to respond verbally to someone struggling with depression. Or how things might look from their perspective. Or small, but important ways to actively help someone with depression. Things like that. It got a bit repetitive at times since the over-arching theme seemed to be: Be loving, be nonjudgmental, be respectful, listen. It really has good advice for communicating with ANYONE who is going through a hard time-- not just someone in the throes of clinical depression.

[Collene · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very helpful book. I bought it to help a friend, but it was helpful to myself. It includes things to say and not say to someone with depression and gives advice on how to care for someone going through depression along with the therapist and psychiatrist. There’s a section on suicide prevention and a section for children and teens. It also included ideas for some activities to do. I loved this book, it’s easy to read and I’m going to read it again. It’s available in both kindle and paperback formats.

[Heather Andrews · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a 3.5. It talk a lot about what depression in and what it looks like, but what Strauss does so well is understand the role of loved one and different behaviors and sayings that can be beneficial. She also discusses why certain things we always say are so unhelpful. I would have liked more personal stories, but as a "How to" guide for loving and communicating with somebody with depression, this is awesome. I have segments and passages highlighted as well as notes for different situations.

[Elian · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a terrific book! It talked about exactly what is said it would! It was very helpful with giving me practical help and ideas for how to connect to people who are or may be depressed. It was clear and personable. I loved that she included examples of what depression felt like from people themselves, because I think that is very important to actually understanding what someone is dealing with, not just knowing how to talk with them or clinical definitions. Recommend to anyone!

[Tracy · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone who both has depression and also deals with family members with depression, I found the book fairly accurate, as well as flexible. Some of the best--and most reassuring--advice for what to say to someone who is struggling with depression. Also some great reminders of how children, and others, often perceive things in terms of a depressed loved one. Well done, and easy to read, without being overwhelmingly scientific.

[Rizki Surya Putra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quite a useful book to learn about the appropriate ways for interacting with people suffering from depression. The writing is relatively straightforward hence a nice go-to reading for anyone wanting to connect to their depressive loved ones. Simplicity seems to be the chosen style of this book, on that account some should expect no overly comprehensive guide on depression as a mental health disorder.

[R. C. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This may be the most useful book I have ever read on the subject. It isn't self-help; it's friend-help. When you find yourself wondering, "What do I say to that?" pick up this reference. It is actually a list of common arguments and one liners you hear from the depressed and what you can say back to kind of trip the circuit in their head and wiggle them a little ways off their depressive loop.

[Cindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW! This book was so amazing! I have suffered from severe depression for a lot of years. I bought this book to help my family understand what I was going through, that it wasn't me just being lazy and cranky. I decided to read it too and was amazed because it helped me understand a lot of my feelings and emotions.
Very well written and easy to understand.

[Bookworm LLC · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW! This book was so amazing! I have suffered from severe depression for a lot of years. I bought this book to help my family understand what I was going through, that it wasn't me just being lazy and cranky. I decided to read it too and was amazed because it helped me understand a lot of my feelings and emotions.
Very well written and easy to understand

[Betty · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great help

This book has been a tremendous help for me to understand the depressed person. The book pointed out several mistakes that I have been making. A positive attitude with a depressed person is not always the answer. I highly recommend this to anyone who cares or loves a depressed individual.