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The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids
Why do so many of our kids--raised in the most affluent nation on earth--fail to thrive and strive and enter adulthood lacking appropriate and effective coping skills? Drs. Swihart and Cotter have come up with a revolutionary theory on why our kids are having such a tough time of it today: It is because we allow our children to manipulate us, and the world around them, rather than teaching them how to respond to life and life's tough situations. The result is that manipulative behavior is directly tied to low self-esteem, which only heightens its negative impact on kids, families, and the larger communities we live in. The good news is that Drs. Swihart and Cotter have created a radical and clinically proven program for breaking manipulative behavior and getting our kids back on track. The program teaches parents to say no without feeling guilt; to resist the urge to feel responsible for their child's happiness; to view their children as emotionally competent and resilient; and most importantly, to realize that effective parenting means allowing your child to make mistakes and develop a sense of competence, which leads to enhanced self-esteem and an ability to live independently and successfully in the real world.
Drawing on their twenty-five years in private practice, the authors illustrate their program with examples of successful kids, as well as case studies of how parents have regained control and effectively blocked their children's manipulative behavior. The positive results will enlighten, and even astound you, and give you the tools needed to become a better parent.
Drawing on their twenty-five years in private practice, the authors illustrate their program with examples of successful kids, as well as case studies of how parents have regained control and effectively blocked their children's manipulative behavior. The positive results will enlighten, and even astound you, and give you the tools needed to become a better parent.
254 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 1996
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300 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
September 28, 2015
I know it's a terrible title, but I LOVE this book. It has been for me, simply the best parenting book EVER written. When talking about it, I refer to it as "The Book". Following its guidance has saved my children and my family. I've read it at least 3 times, and I continually refer to it. I only wish I could get other people in my life to read it. :P
I was so confused by my son's behavior. I wasn't giving in to him, I wasn't giving him what he asked for (positive reinforcement) but the behavior still continued - when told "no" he frequently would beg, plead, bargain, negotiate and keep on and on. Everything was a battle. This book presented to me a comprehensive theory of why American families in general and my family in particular was in so much trouble. It was not and is not easy. It is not just about a technique although a simple technique (Stop-Pause-Redirect) is a big part of their program. It is a long-term process of behavioral change management that affects the entire family. It is about creating a value-guided family rather than an expediency-guided family. It is about changing how you think of your role as a parent. It is about changing how you think of your children, about learning to believe that your kids are "innately and fundamentally competent"; "tough adaptable survivors"; and "their emotions are their own".
What is manipulation? From page 51:
"Manipulations are complex avoidance behaviors. They may achieve some positive end, but they exist because they avoid something else: change, work, pain, angry confrontation, or loss of control of a situation."
"Manipulations are reciprocal." <--- Yes it is partially the parent's fault. You the parent are trying to avoid something. Part of the learning process of the book is figuring out what your personal blindsides are and working to overcome them.
"Most manipulation is not consciously planned or executed, but is a learned pattern of behavioral adaptation." <--- A learned pattern that CAN be changed.
I highly recommend this book to any parent.
I was so confused by my son's behavior. I wasn't giving in to him, I wasn't giving him what he asked for (positive reinforcement) but the behavior still continued - when told "no" he frequently would beg, plead, bargain, negotiate and keep on and on. Everything was a battle. This book presented to me a comprehensive theory of why American families in general and my family in particular was in so much trouble. It was not and is not easy. It is not just about a technique although a simple technique (Stop-Pause-Redirect) is a big part of their program. It is a long-term process of behavioral change management that affects the entire family. It is about creating a value-guided family rather than an expediency-guided family. It is about changing how you think of your role as a parent. It is about changing how you think of your children, about learning to believe that your kids are "innately and fundamentally competent"; "tough adaptable survivors"; and "their emotions are their own".
What is manipulation? From page 51:
"Manipulations are complex avoidance behaviors. They may achieve some positive end, but they exist because they avoid something else: change, work, pain, angry confrontation, or loss of control of a situation."
"Manipulations are reciprocal." <--- Yes it is partially the parent's fault. You the parent are trying to avoid something. Part of the learning process of the book is figuring out what your personal blindsides are and working to overcome them.
"Most manipulation is not consciously planned or executed, but is a learned pattern of behavioral adaptation." <--- A learned pattern that CAN be changed.
I highly recommend this book to any parent.
December 20, 2011
I decided not to throw it across the room after the part about how you should make your daughter admit she played some role in her sexual assault if she was wearing slutty clothes, though I'm not sure why I made that choice. The rest is not at all as bad as that, but things like that made me not want to believe the authors either. I think I picked up a few tips for responding to manipulation, though.
June 2, 2024
This book is very useful. I love the material for ages 1-2 and have implemented a lot of the strategies in my own parenting. I also really like that it continually communicates key assumptions that I agree with: that kids are competent, survivors and able to do much more than our culture expects of them. It is a book that will challenge you to evaluate your own emotional responses and assumptions.
I disagree with their complete distaste for any use of punishment or rewards in parenting. Although the book claims to be research based, it is mainly anecdotal to the experiences the authors have.
I disagree with their complete distaste for any use of punishment or rewards in parenting. Although the book claims to be research based, it is mainly anecdotal to the experiences the authors have.
August 13, 2018
I’m hoping the authors choose a new title and do a second release of this book. BEST PARENTING BOOK EVER. I can’t help but think every parent should read this book. Changed our family life dramatically. Our son is so much happier and cooperative.
September 13, 2012
I stumbled across this book at a friend's house. I would not have bought it myself, purely because of the title - of course I am biased, so obviously I would never ever ever believe my kids to be manipulative! But then I looked into it and the authors make some excellent points, that actually do apply to my kids.
My daughter for instance is a really really good child. She behaves very well, she is smart, she has friends - but she is very very afraid of challenges. She is afraid of failing. We have no idea why, we always praise her, we rarely criticize her work. We tried to not let her fail, to support her always.
Well, it seems that was pretty much the wrong thing to do.
The authors raise a very interesting point, they say that manipulative behavior (which by their definition is subconscious btw) and low self-esteem is very closely linked. They make excellent arguments for that statement. Basically it boils down to:
A non-manipulative child tries to adapt to the world, a manipulative child will try to get the world to adapt to it. Which might work short-term (for example: the kid has to do something, she cries and says she cannot do this, so finally mom rushes in to the rescue), but it means the kid never can experience the success of overcoming an obstacle by herself, which in the long-term leads to low self-esteem and all kinds of issues related to that. Kids need to be challenged, if we help them all the time, they will become dependent of that help. They will become dependent kids that try to manipulate others to help them out all the time. They will not learn to own up to mistakes, because it will always be someone elses fault.
The authors also say that our tendency to try to understand the reasons why a kid misbehaves, and therefor asking the kid constantly "why did you do this?" spectacularly backfires, because it implies to the kid if the reason is just good enough, it will be forgiven, which in turn means the kid only has to come up with a good enough lie.
Since reading this book, I am much more aware when my kids say things like "I can't..." or "I hate..." and I try to not "rescue" them so much. Time will tell, but I think the change will be good for my kids in the long run.
My daughter for instance is a really really good child. She behaves very well, she is smart, she has friends - but she is very very afraid of challenges. She is afraid of failing. We have no idea why, we always praise her, we rarely criticize her work. We tried to not let her fail, to support her always.
Well, it seems that was pretty much the wrong thing to do.
The authors raise a very interesting point, they say that manipulative behavior (which by their definition is subconscious btw) and low self-esteem is very closely linked. They make excellent arguments for that statement. Basically it boils down to:
A non-manipulative child tries to adapt to the world, a manipulative child will try to get the world to adapt to it. Which might work short-term (for example: the kid has to do something, she cries and says she cannot do this, so finally mom rushes in to the rescue), but it means the kid never can experience the success of overcoming an obstacle by herself, which in the long-term leads to low self-esteem and all kinds of issues related to that. Kids need to be challenged, if we help them all the time, they will become dependent of that help. They will become dependent kids that try to manipulate others to help them out all the time. They will not learn to own up to mistakes, because it will always be someone elses fault.
The authors also say that our tendency to try to understand the reasons why a kid misbehaves, and therefor asking the kid constantly "why did you do this?" spectacularly backfires, because it implies to the kid if the reason is just good enough, it will be forgiven, which in turn means the kid only has to come up with a good enough lie.
Since reading this book, I am much more aware when my kids say things like "I can't..." or "I hate..." and I try to not "rescue" them so much. Time will tell, but I think the change will be good for my kids in the long run.
March 18, 2008
This book was recommended on some reviews I was reading of other child-rearing books, and it made me curious. I found a good many things about it helpful and insightful--in particular the idea that for recent generations, the idea that children are emotionally fragile and likely to be scarred by childhood emotions (drawn from Freudian theories), has caused many parents to develop parenting techniques that produce manipulative and dependent children, instead of independent people who are capable of functioning well in the world and being happy. The title of the book doesn't refer to a specific sort of child, but rather the ways in which parents can create a healthy atmosphere of discipline that does not allow for children and parents to manipulate each other. I don't think I agree with all of the discipline tenets the authors recommend, but there is a lot that I have found helpful to mull over. Anyone else read it?
October 25, 2009
I really dislike parenting books that are full of words like "always, never, must, have to, need to, make sure, etc." There was so much pressure to follow their script absolutely everytime, without fail, or else your child is going to be permenantly screwed up and it's all your fault.
I also felt like this book did not give enough examples on their suggested techniques. It was hard for me to grasp exactly how to carry out the all important routine when there weren't enough follow through.
The only reason I am giving this book 2 stars, instead of 1, is because it did remind me (although in a pressuring, guilt-ridden sort of way) that my job is not to make my kids constantly happy. They do need to learn to make themselves happy. It also reminded of the dangers of doing too much for my kids in the name of love.
I also felt like this book did not give enough examples on their suggested techniques. It was hard for me to grasp exactly how to carry out the all important routine when there weren't enough follow through.
The only reason I am giving this book 2 stars, instead of 1, is because it did remind me (although in a pressuring, guilt-ridden sort of way) that my job is not to make my kids constantly happy. They do need to learn to make themselves happy. It also reminded of the dangers of doing too much for my kids in the name of love.
November 15, 2010
This was an excellent book for understanding how children try to control the world around them, but must instead be guided by their parents to adapt to it, so that they can function well as adults. I highly recommend it for parents. The SPR technique "Stop, Pause, and Redirect" is somewhat similar to the use of time-out. However, they don't address the truly stubborn child or toddler who REFUSES to stop and be redirected, no matter how many times you try to do it!
September 13, 2011
An OK guide for people who have manipulative kids, but like with most self-help books, it's all common sense and stuff parents are probably already trying.
The gist is---if your kids are playing the victim to get out of things, press them to follow through. If they scream to get their way, don't give in.
Like I said, it's all common sense stuff. We won't ruin their psyches by making them behave and by making them try to succeed.
The gist is---if your kids are playing the victim to get out of things, press them to follow through. If they scream to get their way, don't give in.
Like I said, it's all common sense stuff. We won't ruin their psyches by making them behave and by making them try to succeed.
September 17, 2013
Not sure what to say about this one, other than that the title is so awful I had to hide it the whole time I was reading the book. It does seem to make sense, but I'm not sure it really allows for the possibility of actual disabilities. Having my husband read chapter 7, and we'll talk about whether to try it.
August 18, 2009
Though this was intended as a parenting book, it had really good info in it.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews