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Overcoming
Võit sotsiaalärevuse ja häbelikkuse üle
Võit sotsiaalärevuse ja häbelikkuse üle on käsiraamat, mille koostas tunnustatud briti kliiniline psühholoog Gillian Butler. Käesolev raamat pakub tõsielulisi näiteid ja on lihtsalt kasutatav käsiraamat sotsiaalärevuse ja häbelikkuse käes kannatavatele inimestele, nende lähedastele ja sõpradele ning neid abistavatele professionaalidele, nt psühholoogidele, arstidele, terapeutidele. Kõik meist tunnevad end mõnikord rumalana, igaüht võib vaevata piinlikkus, tunne, et ta pälvib hukkamõistu ja kriitikat, aga probleemiks kujuneb see siis, kui hakkab kõigutama inimese eneseusku ega lase teha seda, mida inimene tahaks.
Kognitiiv-käitumisteraapia ravib meeleoluhäireid, muutes negatiivseid mõtlemismalle. See on tänapäeval rahvusvaheliselt tunnustatud meetod, mis aitab ületada pikaajalisi häireid, nagu paanikahood, depressioon, ärevus, hasartmängusõltuvus ja mõningad söömishäired.
Kognitiiv-käitumisteraapia ravib meeleoluhäireid, muutes negatiivseid mõtlemismalle. See on tänapäeval rahvusvaheliselt tunnustatud meetod, mis aitab ületada pikaajalisi häireid, nagu paanikahood, depressioon, ärevus, hasartmängusõltuvus ja mõningad söömishäired.
235 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1999
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 60 reviews
June 10, 2013
This book seems to be filled with lots of great, useful information. It contains a complete plan for freeing yourself from social anxiety. The only problem is that I'm too lazy to follow all the steps, so I will soon be checking out the book Overcoming Laziness.
February 18, 2020
Who has never felt awkward, out of place or otherwise inhibited when relating to other people? I, for one, plead guilty! The aim of this book, which (as stated in the sub-title) is a self-help manual, is to shed some light on this rather widespread psychological phenomenon that, generally speaking, we refer to a “shyness”.
It is in fact a form of anxiety disorder, meaning: a feeling of distress that is out of proportions considering the actual situation we are in. Each individual is sensitive to different types of situations: having to talk to a “large” audience (stage fright), having to start a conversation with a stranger (for instance, if we consider the person as exceptionally bright, talented, sexually attractive, menacing, etc.), you name it. The fear associated with these types of situations are linked with thoughts like: “What I’m saying is stupid”, “I will make a fool of myself”, “I’ll be so embarrassed I’ll wish the Earth will swallow me”, “people will see how I’m sweating, blushing, etc.”. In certain acute cases, this sort of social anxiety or phobia can be excruciating and crippling; the consequences are sadly obvious: inability to perform at work, failure to find a romantic/sexual partner, isolation, alcoholism, drug abuse, suicide… This is not a trivial issue!
This book is based on CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) research performed by Beck and Clark: Cognitive Therapy of Anxiety Disorders: Science and Practice. The model goes like this. In a “trigger situation” (see examples above) the person feels anxious; there can be many reasons for that feeling to kick in: for instance, an unpleasant situation that is, fully consciously or not, brought back to memory. The bout of anxiety translates in a series of assumptions or predictions (“He/She/They’ll think I’m stupid”), based on underlying, toxic and in general erroneous beliefs (“I must make a good impression”, “I am stupid”, “people are judgmental”, “people don’t like me”…). As a result, three phenomena take place that fuel each other: 1) self-consciousness: the person focuses his/her attention on herself (“I am stuttering, blushing, shaking…”); 2) symptoms of anxiety: tension, suffocation, etc.; 3) safety behaviours: keeping silent or over-talking, leaving the room, changing the subject, hiding, swooning…
All these mental patterns and processes — thoughts, behaviours, self-consciousness — tend to reinforce each other in a vicious circle. What this book offers is a way to raise one’s awareness of these things and break the social anxiety “system”. The exercises in the appendices provide a series of experiments and worksheets that allow questioning the underlying thought, beliefs and behaviours that keep the anxiety going, and ultimately get rid of them. I found this book very enlightening and helpful.
It is in fact a form of anxiety disorder, meaning: a feeling of distress that is out of proportions considering the actual situation we are in. Each individual is sensitive to different types of situations: having to talk to a “large” audience (stage fright), having to start a conversation with a stranger (for instance, if we consider the person as exceptionally bright, talented, sexually attractive, menacing, etc.), you name it. The fear associated with these types of situations are linked with thoughts like: “What I’m saying is stupid”, “I will make a fool of myself”, “I’ll be so embarrassed I’ll wish the Earth will swallow me”, “people will see how I’m sweating, blushing, etc.”. In certain acute cases, this sort of social anxiety or phobia can be excruciating and crippling; the consequences are sadly obvious: inability to perform at work, failure to find a romantic/sexual partner, isolation, alcoholism, drug abuse, suicide… This is not a trivial issue!
This book is based on CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) research performed by Beck and Clark: Cognitive Therapy of Anxiety Disorders: Science and Practice. The model goes like this. In a “trigger situation” (see examples above) the person feels anxious; there can be many reasons for that feeling to kick in: for instance, an unpleasant situation that is, fully consciously or not, brought back to memory. The bout of anxiety translates in a series of assumptions or predictions (“He/She/They’ll think I’m stupid”), based on underlying, toxic and in general erroneous beliefs (“I must make a good impression”, “I am stupid”, “people are judgmental”, “people don’t like me”…). As a result, three phenomena take place that fuel each other: 1) self-consciousness: the person focuses his/her attention on herself (“I am stuttering, blushing, shaking…”); 2) symptoms of anxiety: tension, suffocation, etc.; 3) safety behaviours: keeping silent or over-talking, leaving the room, changing the subject, hiding, swooning…
All these mental patterns and processes — thoughts, behaviours, self-consciousness — tend to reinforce each other in a vicious circle. What this book offers is a way to raise one’s awareness of these things and break the social anxiety “system”. The exercises in the appendices provide a series of experiments and worksheets that allow questioning the underlying thought, beliefs and behaviours that keep the anxiety going, and ultimately get rid of them. I found this book very enlightening and helpful.
Read
July 21, 2018Somewhere round about page two hundred I found this was getting too difficult to read and I was obliged to turn to rereading Kafka's The Trial instead for some light relief. Now I am not sure if it was just one particular thing that I found painful or the abrasive effect of two hundred pages catching at me.
This book is part of a series - although a completely freestanding book - that apparently some Doctor's practises in the UK are providing / or recommending to patients, and just as that suggests that the Doctor alone can't resolve your problems - such work will expand beyond the duration of your consultation, so too Gillian Butler in her book makes clear that the book also is not sufficient, your 'cure' must expand beyond the scope of the book, she recommends journaling, worksheets, mini-experiments and flashcards (I have never liked flashcards in any circumstances, far too brash and two-dimensional for my taste). Maybe she has a point, you'll have to judge for yourself, how seriously and with how much work you want to address yourself.
I found the title difficult from the first, starting with the word 'overcoming', which felt already too confrontational, how about 'coming to a peaceful accommodation with social anxiety and shyness'? This not entirely a facile point as from early on Butler tells us that if you do have social anxiety and/or shyness - the two she feels may be somewhat different but overlap to some extent - then you very probably believe that you are deficient and not good enough in some way and the implicit subtext of the book itself is that such a belief is correct and true: if you are anxious or shy in social situations there is something wrong with you, namely your social anxiety or shyness. Part of the problem is beating yourself up over your own anxiety or your own perceived shortcomings due to your shyness, this book one might say adds to this by pointing out that your established ways of self castigation are inefficient and what you need are a better tool set courtesy of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to seriously remodel yourself. This struck me as at least mildly problematic - (yes you do have a problem - and the problem is you!) however this didn't trouble the author and she's the one with the clinical experience...it is only late on that she introduces the idea of accepting yourself and in the optional extra chapters (on aggression and passivity as reactions to anxiety, the lasting impacts of bullying, and relaxation and Mindfulness) (those three I felt were the most interesting in the book) introduced the notion of relaxation, which if I may be ever so 'umble (in my finest Uriah Heep grovel), might be a good starting point for coming to terms with anxiety.
It is written in an an easy style with grey highlights boxes reminiscent of a text book, and looks to be similarly skimmable, although I did end up reading the whole thing (the phrase glutton for punishment springs to mind).
Anyway to reduce as much as possible the potential sprawl of this rambling review, I was reminded how weird most of us are - and if you're not weird, that is a bit weird in itself. Some people would rather die she writes than do any public speaking - now unaccustomed as I am, I find public speaking fairly enjoyable but this she say is normal enough for an introverted person, which makes me laugh a little at the thought of how horrible it must be to be an extrovert and be consumed by anxiety at an opportunity to engage in Shandyian digressions upon a captive audience, but I digress, however having to make a telephone call can really eat me up (which makes little sense - after all that too is speaking publicly) and I've engaged in all kinds of evasions - phoning people early or late when I am confident the dog and bone won't be answered and relying on answerphone as an acceptable substitute to talking to someone via a remote device. Naturally I can give a fallacious for my telephoneangst that doesn't involve my great-grandmother and Alexander Graham Bell, long ago in the previous millenium I was working as a Ground Handler (a variety of travel agent, specifically an underpaid one with short lunch breaks and few prospects) and I was told one weekend I was on emergency duty and given a mobile phone - a demi-brick one with a rubbery antenna, this I duly put down on my bedroom window sill, eventually it rang, I answered to hear a voice saying "I'm gonna kill you", then I turned the phone off. You may assume from the evidence they had the wrong number, but maybe in forty, forty-five or thirty-five years time I will breath my last and then only you who have read this review will know that the mysterious caller has indeed accomplished a dastardly crime of devilish subtly executed with uncanny sophistication. Naturally on Monday I was challenged about the phone being turned off, I had no reception I lied .
Reading this book I learnt that telling jokes, even bad and rambling ones, is one way some people use to cope with anxiety.
Slightly more technical bit
in which I check through the pages of the book that I have marked with slips of paper and try to recall what struck me as note worthy when I read it.
"What you think affects how you feel. This is the basis for Cognitive behavioural therapy" (p.61)
"Experience of relationships as we grow up provides the framework for our thinking about how we relate to others, and bad experiences can leave long-lasting impressions" (p.84) though particular stresses during life and biological factors may play parts too however"It is not necessary to know everything about what caused the problem in order to work out what to do to alleviate it" (p.85)
paradoxical effects of social anxiety:
feeling you are the centre of attention at the same time as feeling so inferior and inadequate that you believe no one is interested in you.
Wanting to be invisible and not to be disregarded.
Wanting to do things 'right' , be 'acceptable' and have your individuality recognised. (p.165)
Patterns of biased thinking, beware of: making predictions, mind-reading, catastrophising, emotional reasoning (how I feel is how I look = feeling unacceptable means you are unacceptable)
Social anxiety goes with expecting to be criticised...It goes with berating yourself for not having 'done better', as if all the responsibility for how things went lay with you
The advice here is to change your perspective to what is really happening rather than what you think is happening (p.183)
It is easier to find alternatives if you use the kind of compassionate, understanding and encouraging approach you would adopt if you were helping someone else (p.207)
safety behaviours and avoidance are understandable reactions to feeling anxious, but in the long run they keep the problem going rather than resolving it (p.210)
the degree of confidence that you feel is not a fixed quantity, but depends on what you are doing. This means you should beware of thinking of yourself as unconfident as a person (p.246)
Passivity and aggression as reactions to anxiety.
Anxiety and nervous tension, use up a lot of energy : it is tiring being anxious.
This book is part of a series - although a completely freestanding book - that apparently some Doctor's practises in the UK are providing / or recommending to patients, and just as that suggests that the Doctor alone can't resolve your problems - such work will expand beyond the duration of your consultation, so too Gillian Butler in her book makes clear that the book also is not sufficient, your 'cure' must expand beyond the scope of the book, she recommends journaling, worksheets, mini-experiments and flashcards (I have never liked flashcards in any circumstances, far too brash and two-dimensional for my taste). Maybe she has a point, you'll have to judge for yourself, how seriously and with how much work you want to address yourself.
I found the title difficult from the first, starting with the word 'overcoming', which felt already too confrontational, how about 'coming to a peaceful accommodation with social anxiety and shyness'? This not entirely a facile point as from early on Butler tells us that if you do have social anxiety and/or shyness - the two she feels may be somewhat different but overlap to some extent - then you very probably believe that you are deficient and not good enough in some way and the implicit subtext of the book itself is that such a belief is correct and true: if you are anxious or shy in social situations there is something wrong with you, namely your social anxiety or shyness. Part of the problem is beating yourself up over your own anxiety or your own perceived shortcomings due to your shyness, this book one might say adds to this by pointing out that your established ways of self castigation are inefficient and what you need are a better tool set courtesy of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to seriously remodel yourself. This struck me as at least mildly problematic - (yes you do have a problem - and the problem is you!) however this didn't trouble the author and she's the one with the clinical experience...it is only late on that she introduces the idea of accepting yourself and in the optional extra chapters (on aggression and passivity as reactions to anxiety, the lasting impacts of bullying, and relaxation and Mindfulness) (those three I felt were the most interesting in the book) introduced the notion of relaxation, which if I may be ever so 'umble (in my finest Uriah Heep grovel), might be a good starting point for coming to terms with anxiety.
It is written in an an easy style with grey highlights boxes reminiscent of a text book, and looks to be similarly skimmable, although I did end up reading the whole thing (the phrase glutton for punishment springs to mind).
Anyway to reduce as much as possible the potential sprawl of this rambling review, I was reminded how weird most of us are - and if you're not weird, that is a bit weird in itself. Some people would rather die she writes than do any public speaking - now unaccustomed as I am, I find public speaking fairly enjoyable but this she say is normal enough for an introverted person, which makes me laugh a little at the thought of how horrible it must be to be an extrovert and be consumed by anxiety at an opportunity to engage in Shandyian digressions upon a captive audience, but I digress, however having to make a telephone call can really eat me up (which makes little sense - after all that too is speaking publicly) and I've engaged in all kinds of evasions - phoning people early or late when I am confident the dog and bone won't be answered and relying on answerphone as an acceptable substitute to talking to someone via a remote device. Naturally I can give a fallacious for my telephoneangst that doesn't involve my great-grandmother and Alexander Graham Bell, long ago in the previous millenium I was working as a Ground Handler (a variety of travel agent, specifically an underpaid one with short lunch breaks and few prospects) and I was told one weekend I was on emergency duty and given a mobile phone - a demi-brick one with a rubbery antenna, this I duly put down on my bedroom window sill, eventually it rang, I answered to hear a voice saying "I'm gonna kill you", then I turned the phone off. You may assume from the evidence they had the wrong number, but maybe in forty, forty-five or thirty-five years time I will breath my last and then only you who have read this review will know that the mysterious caller has indeed accomplished a dastardly crime of devilish subtly executed with uncanny sophistication. Naturally on Monday I was challenged about the phone being turned off, I had no reception I lied .
Reading this book I learnt that telling jokes, even bad and rambling ones, is one way some people use to cope with anxiety.
Slightly more technical bit
in which I check through the pages of the book that I have marked with slips of paper and try to recall what struck me as note worthy when I read it.
"What you think affects how you feel. This is the basis for Cognitive behavioural therapy" (p.61)
"Experience of relationships as we grow up provides the framework for our thinking about how we relate to others, and bad experiences can leave long-lasting impressions" (p.84) though particular stresses during life and biological factors may play parts too however"It is not necessary to know everything about what caused the problem in order to work out what to do to alleviate it" (p.85)
paradoxical effects of social anxiety:
feeling you are the centre of attention at the same time as feeling so inferior and inadequate that you believe no one is interested in you.
Wanting to be invisible and not to be disregarded.
Wanting to do things 'right' , be 'acceptable' and have your individuality recognised. (p.165)
Patterns of biased thinking, beware of: making predictions, mind-reading, catastrophising, emotional reasoning (how I feel is how I look = feeling unacceptable means you are unacceptable)
Social anxiety goes with expecting to be criticised...It goes with berating yourself for not having 'done better', as if all the responsibility for how things went lay with you
The advice here is to change your perspective to what is really happening rather than what you think is happening (p.183)
It is easier to find alternatives if you use the kind of compassionate, understanding and encouraging approach you would adopt if you were helping someone else (p.207)
safety behaviours and avoidance are understandable reactions to feeling anxious, but in the long run they keep the problem going rather than resolving it (p.210)
the degree of confidence that you feel is not a fixed quantity, but depends on what you are doing. This means you should beware of thinking of yourself as unconfident as a person (p.246)
Passivity and aggression as reactions to anxiety.
Anxiety and nervous tension, use up a lot of energy : it is tiring being anxious.
July 19, 2009
This is the first time I've read a self-help book and I found it immensely helpful, especially when utilized alongside therapy, my men's support group, and daily writing and journaling. The book is focused on helping you overcome social anxiety and shyness, as you might be able to guess from the title. It does a pretty good job, presenting the tools of cognitive behavioral therapy in very simple and effective ways, and backed up with plenty of exercises and hands-on activities so you can put the lessons into practice!
Cognitive behavioral therapy is basically about learning how to change your thinking patterns to better reflect the life you wish to lead. It sounds too simple to be real, but honestly "thinking positively" is a major part of it. There's a lot more to it of course, like identifying the patterns of thoughts that dominate your mind and where they come from, learning to craft a healthy self-image, and building up confidence. None of this is easy, but Gillian Butler makes it as simple as possible, so for those who suffer from shyness and lack of assertiveness, I recommend this book. It's helped me already.
Cognitive behavioral therapy is basically about learning how to change your thinking patterns to better reflect the life you wish to lead. It sounds too simple to be real, but honestly "thinking positively" is a major part of it. There's a lot more to it of course, like identifying the patterns of thoughts that dominate your mind and where they come from, learning to craft a healthy self-image, and building up confidence. None of this is easy, but Gillian Butler makes it as simple as possible, so for those who suffer from shyness and lack of assertiveness, I recommend this book. It's helped me already.
May 18, 2019
Not bad, but could have said the same things in much fewer words.
February 27, 2025
3.75/5 ⭐
відкрила для себе мало нового, бо багато речей чула і проходила на терапії. Тому напевно це знак того, що не потрібно про це читати теоретично, а вирішувати практично. Для новачків у темі це буде доволі корисний посібничок.
відкрила для себе мало нового, бо багато речей чула і проходила на терапії. Тому напевно це знак того, що не потрібно про це читати теоретично, а вирішувати практично. Для новачків у темі це буде доволі корисний посібничок.
December 4, 2017
Pretty good book in general. I loved the tips shared between the pages on how to deal with shyness and social anxiety, and loved the fact that they distinguished between it and social anxiety. However, one thing that I have to disagree is the point-of-view that bullies have high self-esteem. Very much on the contrary, bullies are people with high self-esteem. They feel really good about themselves! And they are charismatic, they are confident, and they're cool. I mean, in social psychology studies, we see the kids identified by the parents as awesome people were most of the time, bullies. It really is a pity there isn't much research being done in this area to explore the correlations between bullying and social anxiety :( But overall, great read.
October 13, 2022
Meh, sinceramente no se que esperaba. La descripción de la ansiedad social esta bien. Los consejos para manejarla pueden ser útiles para alguien que no es consciente de que sus pensamientos son irracionales, pero tener esa consciencia no soluciona el problema. Para la gente que sabe que la única forma de superarla es obligandose a participar de situaciones sociales, pero aun así es incapaz, es inútil.
Se podría haber resumido en 5 paginas. No entiendo por qué los libros de autoayuda siempre ponen ejemplos hipotéticos para ilustrar sus puntos, lo encuentro insoportable.
Se podría haber resumido en 5 paginas. No entiendo por qué los libros de autoayuda siempre ponen ejemplos hipotéticos para ilustrar sus puntos, lo encuentro insoportable.
January 27, 2018
Although I skimmed through quite a bit of a bit because it wasn't entirely relevant to me, there is some really useful information and tactics to use.
October 25, 2020
Being relaxed is an attitude as well as the result of learning…
This book really brought me back to learning how to behave outside. This was after my trauma in Peru, back on January, 1987. I'd been comatose for 3 weeks, so it was urgent that my dad and I return to San Francisco to get me some real help at UCSF. Fast-forward to 2012, when I was diagnosed with AD/HD at Kaiser... 🏥
I was very shy my freshman year of high school. Of course, I'd answer back if someone asked me a question that led to conversations.
Nowadays, I speak confidently, cook breakfast when I can, and gladly help anyone out. It's fun to learn new tricks! I help others, just as others helped me in 1987.
March 19, 2012
Biased, inaccurate thinking can include: predicting faults ahead of time, mind-reading and catastrophizing during an event, and dwelling on a post mortem after an event. Have to agree there.
Lots of useful information in this book to help explain the hazards, and ways to prevent, living in a personal world ruled by anxiety. I'd give it 5 stars if it came with a therapist who'd followup with you to make sure you write in your journal regularly like you're supposed to. :-)
Lots of useful information in this book to help explain the hazards, and ways to prevent, living in a personal world ruled by anxiety. I'd give it 5 stars if it came with a therapist who'd followup with you to make sure you write in your journal regularly like you're supposed to. :-)
June 13, 2019
I took this book from our new wellbeing collection in the hope that it would help me understand better what some of my nearest and dearest struggle with. It did not meet my expectations. I haven't really learnt anything new from it. I was hoping for a more scientific background, but it's just another self-help book of the sort that would never be needed by anyone if people just talked openly and listened to each other.
September 14, 2013
It's easier said than done,It's really difficult but I'll try my best :)
February 4, 2018
En fin bok med praktiske hjelpemidler for å overkomme sosial prestasjonsangst.
November 7, 2019
Being curious about psychology, but also a slightly socially anxious person, I decided to give this book a try. I loved how the author's approach is based on cognitive-behavioral therapy - which is basically about the continuous interaction between thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Some key points of the book:
- Learn to recognize your patterns of anxiety (when it happens, how it manifests etc.) and set your expectations accordingly (e.g. "My public speech will not be perfect");
- Understand and work around your biases (e.g. exaggerating, over-generalizing, predicting the future as a certainty, mindreading, focusing on the negative side of things);
- Try to do things differently through small experiments, because old patterns keep the problem going;
- Face up your fears one bit at a time (systematic desensitization);
- Write down your thoughts and experiences (specify the situation, expected thoughts & feelings, alternatives to be tried out, actual results);
- Celebrate small wins with rewards to enforce the behaviors.
I didn't enjoy the repetitions and anecdotes, typical for a "self-help" book, but overall I gained insights and ideas to put into practice, so I'm happy to have read this book.
- Learn to recognize your patterns of anxiety (when it happens, how it manifests etc.) and set your expectations accordingly (e.g. "My public speech will not be perfect");
- Understand and work around your biases (e.g. exaggerating, over-generalizing, predicting the future as a certainty, mindreading, focusing on the negative side of things);
- Try to do things differently through small experiments, because old patterns keep the problem going;
- Face up your fears one bit at a time (systematic desensitization);
- Write down your thoughts and experiences (specify the situation, expected thoughts & feelings, alternatives to be tried out, actual results);
- Celebrate small wins with rewards to enforce the behaviors.
I didn't enjoy the repetitions and anecdotes, typical for a "self-help" book, but overall I gained insights and ideas to put into practice, so I'm happy to have read this book.
August 29, 2025
Overall, this book didn’t help me. At times, it felt like drowning and having the water described to me... accurate, but not comforting (nor useful). The exercises reminded me of things I’ve already tried countless times with different therapists and psychiatrists that have never worked, so I felt more frustrated than supported. Might be useful for people with milder cases, or for those who have never been to therapy and/or don't know much about this topic.
Read
November 15, 2014I guess I've finished reading this (although I wasn't really reading it linearly), as I've finally had to hand it back to the library after starting work there a week ago, so that none of my colleagues would find out I'd been reading a self help book (the horror! the shame!). So perhaps the book didn't work 100% lol : ))
But still! Fairly solid advice, based on CBT, which I knew the gist of but it was nice to have worked through examples that were applicable to me. I found a lot of the exercises a bit...over the top personally, I find generally it's best for me to suck it up and just do it, but there were some very helpful points I took from the book. Namely:
1) Focus externally! I used to get into a terrible self-perpetuating blush, which I'd focus onto until my glasses steamed up (!) from the heat and I had to leave. Now I just force myself to focus on something, like counting the number of leaves on a nearby pot plant, which helps considerably.
2) Saftey behaviours increase your perception of danger! Don't do it.
3) Don't awfulise, or 'mind-read'! Has anyone actually said they think you're an idiot? That you're boring? Then they probably don't! They're probably only looking at you strangely because they themselves are feeling awkward, or are only yawning because they had a late night. These are not about you! Look at the facts objectively.
I have nothing to compare this too, so can't really say how much it's helped. However, when I started the book I was unemployed but now I have a job. Coincidence?!?!?!?
But still! Fairly solid advice, based on CBT, which I knew the gist of but it was nice to have worked through examples that were applicable to me. I found a lot of the exercises a bit...over the top personally, I find generally it's best for me to suck it up and just do it, but there were some very helpful points I took from the book. Namely:
1) Focus externally! I used to get into a terrible self-perpetuating blush, which I'd focus onto until my glasses steamed up (!) from the heat and I had to leave. Now I just force myself to focus on something, like counting the number of leaves on a nearby pot plant, which helps considerably.
2) Saftey behaviours increase your perception of danger! Don't do it.
3) Don't awfulise, or 'mind-read'! Has anyone actually said they think you're an idiot? That you're boring? Then they probably don't! They're probably only looking at you strangely because they themselves are feeling awkward, or are only yawning because they had a late night. These are not about you! Look at the facts objectively.
I have nothing to compare this too, so can't really say how much it's helped. However, when I started the book I was unemployed but now I have a job. Coincidence?!?!?!?
April 12, 2023
There's some sound advice in this book which I don't mean to dismiss, however a lot of it is essentially "get a grip" said in a nicer tone of voice.
If you can work out why you are anxious about certain things, and experiment with ways of tackling the situation, then all better. That is not incorrect, but awfully mechanistic, and not necessarily achievable for some of us.
The formulaic assumptions that underpin CBT and 'positive psychology' generally are not very humanistic. Not all fears are rational, and filling in 'worksheets' is just so HR. I'm sure there is material in this book that some people will find helpful, and I don't doubt the sincere good intentions of the author, but 'overcoming' one's essential traits may risk breaking an imperfect but functioning organism.
I tend to think that Buddhist psychology developed 2600 years ago has much more to offer.
I'm glad I read this for the better understanding it offers of CBT approaches, but I'm still not convinced that behaviourism is a helpful area of theory, let alone a source of therapeutic refreshment.
The text does provide some quite good little case studies and is presented in an accessible, but repetitive, way. 2.5/5 but rounded down for the worksheets. (Journalling is a more helpful idea because it doesn't insist upon structuring ones thoughts. Noticing the thoughts, noting what they are, those come before knowing. Worksheets create an expectation that one can get through these stages all in one hit. I can't and plenty of other people probably can't either: good things take time.)
If you can work out why you are anxious about certain things, and experiment with ways of tackling the situation, then all better. That is not incorrect, but awfully mechanistic, and not necessarily achievable for some of us.
The formulaic assumptions that underpin CBT and 'positive psychology' generally are not very humanistic. Not all fears are rational, and filling in 'worksheets' is just so HR. I'm sure there is material in this book that some people will find helpful, and I don't doubt the sincere good intentions of the author, but 'overcoming' one's essential traits may risk breaking an imperfect but functioning organism.
I tend to think that Buddhist psychology developed 2600 years ago has much more to offer.
I'm glad I read this for the better understanding it offers of CBT approaches, but I'm still not convinced that behaviourism is a helpful area of theory, let alone a source of therapeutic refreshment.
The text does provide some quite good little case studies and is presented in an accessible, but repetitive, way. 2.5/5 but rounded down for the worksheets. (Journalling is a more helpful idea because it doesn't insist upon structuring ones thoughts. Noticing the thoughts, noting what they are, those come before knowing. Worksheets create an expectation that one can get through these stages all in one hit. I can't and plenty of other people probably can't either: good things take time.)
July 10, 2020
So, I'm about three-quarters of the way through this guide. I've not finished it, and I'm not sure if I will for a while. I tend to consume it when I'm feeling quite low.
This book is split into two parts: the root causes of social anxiety — what perpetuates it. You can skip over this part if you want to, but it isn't recommended. It's quite long, but worth it!
The next is how to combat it. The book provides advice, worksheets, and examples.
I found this guide helpful. It allowed me to recognise my safety behaviours and fight them. It gave me the confidence to start taking small steps towards being more outgoing. Whenever I feel anxious or worthless, I think back to the advice of this book and try to fight it off; it works.
This book does give you a plan to improve yourself slowly, but it won't replace an actual qualified therapist. I'm still going to see a CBT therapist after reading this book.
I'd also like to add that I didn't do the worksheets because, well, I'm lazy and I'm able to effectively analyse interactions without writing them down and rating them. I'd strongly recommend doing them if you have severe social anxiety, though.
This book is split into two parts: the root causes of social anxiety — what perpetuates it. You can skip over this part if you want to, but it isn't recommended. It's quite long, but worth it!
The next is how to combat it. The book provides advice, worksheets, and examples.
I found this guide helpful. It allowed me to recognise my safety behaviours and fight them. It gave me the confidence to start taking small steps towards being more outgoing. Whenever I feel anxious or worthless, I think back to the advice of this book and try to fight it off; it works.
This book does give you a plan to improve yourself slowly, but it won't replace an actual qualified therapist. I'm still going to see a CBT therapist after reading this book.
I'd also like to add that I didn't do the worksheets because, well, I'm lazy and I'm able to effectively analyse interactions without writing them down and rating them. I'd strongly recommend doing them if you have severe social anxiety, though.
October 16, 2016
Arguably the worst titled and cover of a book I've read. However whats contained is some of the most valuable and thought out material. It's well laid out, providing the theory behind shyness and social anxiety before going into practical steps. Reading this book won't make you the life and soul of a party or turn you into some great oral speaker. But if followed right it will dismantle these cognitions/thoughts that for some are so detrimental and undermining. It's scary to think that such thoughts are so ingrained that they're normal and to have a positive view of yourself is so alien.
I'd recommend this book to nearly everyone, especially the introverted types.
I'd recommend this book to nearly everyone, especially the introverted types.
February 10, 2019
Reading this book, gave me a very nice understanding of social anxiety. There were some anxieties in me, that I hadn’t noticed before. But while reading the book, I figured that Oh I have that too! And I understood how ridicules some of them are. I even didn’t know they exist, but then I could totally analyze them and see how some of them are funny. Another good thing about this book was knowing that I’m not the only person experiencing these anxieties. It was really hopeful knowing that there are many people suffering from the very same things I suffer from. So I can say the book was a nice one. I recommend reading it to people who are shy.
July 4, 2020
From reading this book I have discovered/discovering that it's ok to be me, to be shy and to find ways of working with it. I have been socially anxious from a child and it's so hard to change habits that you've built up over years and that you didn't even realise you were doing in the first place. I have just finished reading this book and will now go back over the chapters about helping myself and practice the worksheets. I highly recommend this book if you struggle with interacting with people, family and loved ones, as I do.
October 12, 2025
Social anxiety and shyness is different for everyone, and Gillian covers many different causes and triggers that you might experience. Things you might never have thought of, like your own safety behaviors and inward attention are very helpful at getting a handle on your personal situation. With step-by-step guidance, you'll learn to change your thinking patterns, do things differently, reduce self-consciousness, and build self-confidence.
July 11, 2013
I couldn't even get into this book. I tried reading this with my partner and even he had difficulty. I thought that the first chapter was just packed with too much information and the author was trying to cram in everything she knew into one sentence. It was not very well written at all, so if you want a simple straight to book I don't recommend this book!
March 1, 2016
The best self-help book I've read. It's practical and applicable. It's provided with worksheets to write down your thinking patterns and follow your progress. CBT sounds scientific and well-researched. I will read the book again at a slower pace to get the most out of it and apply the work step by step.
June 29, 2015
I've read the Danish version, in that translation the style was very American and the examples seemed very American, but the gist of the matter was clear and the tools were very helpful, once you start aktually using them on a regular basis. I definitly reccommend it to people struggling with anxieties concerning how you percieve others percieving you :-)
June 17, 2020
It is the most comprehensive book when it comes to social phobia. It teaches you step-by-step guide to overcome the said fear in a very practical way. I highly recommend it for anyone who suffers from social anxiety and shyness.
June 16, 2014
Having had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy treatment, , and then reading this book, i found it not much help at all, sorry to say.
June 3, 2016
Good book. While not very captivating, even for a self-help book, it was still useful and informative!
November 11, 2018
Definitely very useful in terms of gaining an understanding in depth of social anxiety, personally, I found it a bit tricky to read.
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