Missing Each Other: How to Cultivate Meaningful Connections

by Edward Brodkin, Ashley Pallathra

A Next Big Idea Club Winter 2021 Must Read

The ability to connect with another person's physical and emotional state is one of the most elusive interpersonal skills to develop, but this book shows you just how approachable it can be.
In our fast-paced, tech-obsessed lives, rarely do we pay genuine, close attention to one another. With all that’s going on in the world and the never-ending demands of our daily lives, most of us are too stressed and preoccupied to be able to really listen to each other. Often, we misunderstand or talk past each other. Many of us are left wishing that the people in our lives could really listen, understand, and genuinely connect with us.
 

Based on cutting-edge neuroscience research and years of clinical work, psychiatrist Edward Brodkin and therapist Ashley Pallathra take us on a wide-ranging and surprising journey through fields as diverse as social neuroscience and autism research, music performance, pro basketball, and tai chi. They use these stories to introduce the four pillars of human Relaxed Awareness, Listening, Understanding, and Mutual Responsiveness. Accessible and engaging, Missing Each Other explains the science, research, and biology underlying these pillars of human connection and provides exercises through which readers can improve their own skills and abilities in each.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Psychology, Audiobook, Personal Development

256 pages, Hardcover

Published January 26, 2021

About the author

Edward S. (“Ted”) Brodkin, M.D. is Associate Professor of Psychiatry with tenure at the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania. He is the Founder and Director of the Adult Autism Spectrum Program at Penn Medicine. He has been honored by Philadelphia Magazine as a Top Doctor in the Philadelphia region for 14 years, and has been honored as one of America’s Top Doctors by Castle Connolly Medical for the past 13 years. He received his A.B. Magna Cum Laude from Harvard College and his M.D. from Harvard Medical School. He did his residency in psychiatry and a fellowship in neuroscience research at the Yale University School of Medicine, as well as a fellowship in genetics research at Princeton University. His research lab and clinical program at the University of Pennsylvania focus on social neuroscience and the autism spectrum in adults.

Reviews

[Peter Colclasure · Rating 3 out of 5]

The topic of this book is how to connect with other humans in a meaningful way. Arguably one of the most crucial skills in our isolated, technologically siloed society. I spend more time on Facebook than I do looking at actual faces. That’s sad. If I have one hope for the future, it’s this: the opposite of loneliness. I want to know other people and feel known. I crave fellowship (in a magic-ring-quest connotation rather than a religious one). I thought this book might be a blueprint for that future, but alas, I’ll have to keep looking.

The main takeaway is a concept called 'attunement.' They argue that attunement is the foundation of every meaningful interaction, whether a conversation or a fight or a sports team or a rock band. They break down attunement into four components: relaxed awareness, listening, understanding, and mutual responsiveness. Each gets a chapter. There is much discussion of mindfulness and Tai Chi. I found these ideas to be interesting and useful, but the book as a whole felt like an unnecessarily expanded magazine article, in that much of the content is redundant padding (“redundant padding”, wait for it . . . )

The information presented is organized, well-researched, and useful if you want to have better conversations. The problem is the writing style, which I would describe as ‘imagine if one of those business books from the rack at Kinkos (on networking strategy or something) took an Ambien and was then asked to summarize the latest Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.’ -ish.

I have no doubt that the authors are phenomenal psychiatrists, therapists, and researchers, but they are frankly terrible storytellers. They pepper each chapter with anecdotes, but the anecdotes are too vague and generic to do anything other than evaporate the moment they’re read.

The people in these anecdotes (identified only by first name) are never married, dating, or in love. They are “in a committed relationship.” They never insult or fight or scream, they “make critical comments.” When the critical comments are made, the “relationship partner” does not get pissed off or start to cry or run the bastard through with a steak knife. No, the comments “adversely affect her confidence.” One day the girlfriend talks to a therapist and then decides to “self monitor.” When her boyfriend starts being a dick again, “She sensed in herself that her usual emotional reactions were starting to happen. With that greater perspective, born of a moment of heightened relaxed awareness, listening, and understanding of what this pattern was, Alice didn’t feel bad about herself, but instead recognized Jake’s intentions and decided to respond to her own feelings and perspective by setting some limits. . .”

See what I mean? It’s like a robot wrote this. A formulaic robot. Basically, each chapter asserts that something (like listening) is a good thing, describes the good thing, tells you to do this good thing, but not exactly how, other than if you want to be good at the good thing just do the good thing until you’re better at it, and then gives you an anecdote where people with first names are bad at the good thing, but then try to do the good thing and then succeed in doing the good thing.

Like this:

Alfred was a bad listener. One day he decided he would rather be a good listener. During the next conversation opportunity with a member of his peer group Alfred listened really hard. He paid close attention to the sound of talking, and when the talking went in his ears, he was a good listener. Being a good listener helped Alfred achieve his social and economic goals.

Or this:

Jim has a stressful incident experience. Rather than react with extreme emotion, he stays grounded in relaxed awareness. In a state of relaxed awareness, he feels solid and secure. Because he modulated his emotional state expression from bad to good, he now feels good and better than bad. Because of relaxed awareness, he feels less likely to do a bad thing, and does a good thing instead. Now the situation is clear and he perceives reality accurately.

Okay, so those are satire, but that’s the general tenor of the grammar, like they reverse-ran each anecdote through Google translate.

In short, I think the information presented in this book is like bottled oxygen on Everest, modern society being the climbers, but packaged in a rather bland bottle.

[Ell · Rating 4 out of 5]

In my opinion this book is sorely needed. In Missing Each Other: How to Cultivate Meaningful Connections, researchers and clinicians Edward Brodkin and Ashley Pallathra focus on the art of attunement. Their composition on the four levels of attunement are useful, informative and enlightening at times. I would love to see an abridged version for young adults.

[Rick H · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is my first attempt at a review - I listened to this audiobook but this format wasn't a good fit for the content. Maybe I'll update my rating when I've read some of it too.
My main complaint about this book is that it is a sea of buzz words, trendy concepts and as disjointed as a deboned fish. There were a few nuggets in some of the chapters on attunement but mainly there's lots of psychobabble silt to pan through.
Another big complaint is the parade of personalities the authors haven't interviewed but seem to be included in the book in the hopes that the person's positive reputation will rub off on them. You like the Dalai Lama? Maya Angelou? Phil Jackson? Yuval Harai? So do we!
But maybe listening to this book was part of the problem and I should hold off on ranting till I've read it.
Oh and if tai chi becomes the next big hip thing blame this book...

[Alicia Bayer · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've had an ARC of this book forever but it took me so long to read it. I was hoping for something to help me make meaningful friendships, since I do often feel quite lonely in our tiny town and crave more connections with people of all sorts. This is not really about that. It's more about how you can improve the way you listen and connect with people you're in relationships with for more meaningful connections. It's very academic, slow, and dry. I'm sure it's great advice about how to really be present with other people. I was hoping for something a little more accessible that was geared towards actually making the connections in the first place.

I read a digital ARC of this book via Net Galley.

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't like self-help books and I am burnt out on psychology books for the foreseeable future. Have a policy of reading all books I own, so ... finally reading this book I bought several years ago it was.

This was an easy read and went by quickly, which was a relief after How to Make Friends and Influence People. However, I don't feel like I learned anything. It suffered from the exact reason I don't like self-help books--nothing was earth-shattering. I mean, yeah, we could all stand to be more "attuned," as these authors call it, but the benefits thereof aren't surprising. I guess maybe this book might be useful for someone with alexithymia or anger issues as a reminder of what to do and how to achieve it? I didn't feel like the target audience particularly. Ironically, despite not liking How to Make Friends and Influence People, I actually felt like that book was more practically useful than this one.

I was actually kind of disappointed because Brodkin is an autism researcher and says in the beginning of the book came to the idea of writing a book about social attunement because he posits many autistic people struggle with exactly that concept... but that's all he ever said about autism after that. I guess that's a me thing since I find autism interesting, though.

[Stephanie Heck · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished reading "Missing Each Other" and I am eager to tell everyone about it! I found it to be a refreshing antidote to the societal disconnect and chronic loneliness that so many of us are experiencing in the digital age (even before covid). The chapters are well organized, relatable, informative, and...honestly, relaxing and reassuring to read! In addition to clearly outlining the problems we're dealing with, the authors also offer some simple exercises for opening yourself up to building deeper and more meaningful connections. I imagine that this book could be useful for people of all character types and at all levels. I'm a psychologist and coach who works with businesses and executives, and I will be recommending this to all of my clients, especially those who want to increase their emotional intelligence. This book has it all...from Michael Jordan to the Dalai Lama to mom-baby interactions...the authors demonstrate the sweeping benefits of increased attunement and relational awareness! I think this book will be essential, too, as we all find new-and-improved ways to come back together when the pandemic ends. Oh, and there’s also a chapter at the end that describes the state-of-affairs regarding brain chip technologies, which was (frighteningly) informative. I recommend this book highly.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

A heart-forward, practical take on how to take the stress and guesswork out of difficult conversations, how to physically and emotionally process the world and people around you, and ultimately how to forge deeper connections with folks in your life.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I often find myself distracted while interacting with people, especially now as a remotely working mother of two. I miss having true connections and this was the perfect book to learn more about the concept of attunement, and ways to improve my interactions with others. Despite virtually engaging in conversations a lot lately, I believe the concepts in this book can help improve any interactions. As the authors say, this isn't something you achieve but actively work at in all connections with people. I value relationships with other people highly, and noticing my lack of attunement recently this book arrived at the perfect time to help me discover why I've been unable to connect and how to improve. I have had experiences in the past when I felt totally in-sync with other people during a conversation, and this book has taught me how to be more mindful when interacting with others.

The book outlines the concept of attunement which includes not just listening, but relaxed awareness, understanding, and mutual responsiveness. The authors describe ways to specifically enhance each of these components of attunement, so that you can have better and authentic connections. Through stories and examples, plus an attunement quiz in the appendix to help you focus on what specific components you can narrow down to work on, I recommend this book highly to anyone who interacts with people daily.

I received this book from NetGalley, for my honest review.

[Siskiyou-Suzy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I like the ideas here and everything, but it's not a profound book. It has good information, it's interesting, but I'm passing it on. I found the exercises interesting but didn't actually try them (not explicitly, at least). I love the word attunement and the idea of attuning, but it's all written in a very basic, passionless way.

[Rachelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

Missing Each Other... bits of valuable content focused on making all types of conversation and relationships work sprinkled with examples from patients and real life exercises are included in the text. Exercises were too abstract/ imaginative and less than useful. Very opinionated research.

[Alex Haslund · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Missing Each Other" by Ashley Pallathra and Edward Brodkin offers a fascinating analysis of the lack of connection that many individuals feel in our modern, technologically dominated lifestyles. We found the book to be a captivating read and would highly recommend it. In the book, Pallathra and Brodkin focus on the concept of attunement--a term coined to describe the act of connecting with someone on a deeper level than responding to simple verbal cues or body language. Instead, practicing attunement requires one to be deeply present and listen to others while simultaneously checking in with yourself. It's not the easiest feat, but the benefits of deep attunement are astonishing. For instance, attunement is not only the hallmark of meaningful human relationships--it also plays a vital role in creating successful sports teams and transcendent musical improvisation groups.

After captivating readers with the myriad benefits of attunement, the authors provide a path to maximize one's personal attunement. They describe the process of attunement as first having a relaxed ordinance of yourself, then really listening to and understanding the other person, and then coming up with a response tailored to the situation and to that person. Additionally, the authors offer practical exercises to improve one's attunement, including breathing, meditation, and partner exercises.

Perhaps most exciting of all, at the end of the book, the authors look toward the future and illustrate how attunement might relate to advanced artificial intelligence (AI). They describe artificial attunement as the act of attunement between machines and humans and postulate how machines can be attuned to us and vice versa. To explore the idea of artificial attunement, the authors begin by describing a simple Turing test of a machine fooling us into believing it's a person. They then review the achievements and pitfalls of current AI devices like Alexa and the incredible behavioral gestures of robots from Hanson Robotics. From there, the authors nod toward potential future technology like brain-computer interfaces where there might be even stronger versions of attunement. Pallathra and Brookin conclude with the exciting and somewhat unsettling observation that artificial attunement might allow us to connect with machines on a deeper level than we can connect with other humans. Overall, "Missing Each Other" was an interesting book that we would highly recommend.

[Julia Landis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I knew when I understood the title of the book and its cover art that this was going to be a game changer for me and for many of us. The guidance the authors share with us is based on a groundbreaking scientific study and yet it feels as if it is something extremely natural and organic that we have already known: There are ways of learning to be more relaxed and conscious that can quickly and deeply change the nature of our most important relationships and of our sense of well-being in this world (which I now understand is arguably based on a sense connectedness with others.)

It has been refreshing to see that a top medical school and some of its most brilliant researchers are looking to the tried and true practices behind the new and often more superficial brand we call mindfulness. They have also done the heavy lifting for us; if you were I were to look to the thousands and thousands of pages that have been written on tai chi and other forms of embodied meditation from the east we would scratch our heads and not know even where to begin. The authors here have Found an employed practices from Tai Chi (Taoist) and Buddhist meditation and have demonstrated how beneficial and easy to learn some of these practices can be. They also give us, their readers, plenty of exercises With clear easy to follow instructions and self-evaluations so that we can learn from the book as we are reading! I highly recommend this book to everyone. I have now purchased my third copy. I will be buying other copies for other friends for sure. A must read. Especially at this moment in our world, whereas the authors state, artificial attunement is vying for our attention. There is nothing like human contact to make us feel happy and safe in this world.

[Steph · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this current social climate, Missing Each Other provides an opportunity to take a step back and reflect on our own human natures as well as the ways in which we can truly connect with others. By integrating very topical examples that resonate with the challenges we are facing today (i.e., being glued to our devices, facing political and social injustices, and adapting to covid times) the authors have written this book in an easy-to-read and relatable manner. Something I really appreciated was that the way in which attunement or social connectedness is described and outlined across four fundamental pillars was in no way imposing - rather, it inspires one to truly reflect on one's own potential for personal growth as well the values of human connectedness while highlighting multiple ways in which something could be interpreted. In this way, the authors also showcase great alternatives for resolving conflicts. I personally really enjoyed their final notes on the ethical implications of our ever-increasing technological world as we value technological progress but need reminders of the irreplaceability of human connection and humanity as a whole. All in all, a fantastic read with clear and relatable explanations that I think will inspire even those who already are very socially connected to reflect on their potential to grow.

[Jeff Bobin · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you struggle to build meaningful relationships this could help you improve your ability to connect with others.

The key to building a relationship at any level will be how in tune you are with the other person and that is described here as attunement. Taking you through the process of become more aware of your surrounding, attitudes and thinking and then learning to listen better, develop understanding and finally being in a place of mutual responsiveness will show you how one builds on the other.

There is also a chapter on artificial attunement that addresses the additional challenges of electronic communication and artificial intelligence worth thinking about how it plays out in your life.

There are also some physical exercises to help you focus some might find helpful.

[Andrew Lohmeier]

Interesting and practical, this book summarizes a lesser-known field of research about social attunement, or the ability to have constructive communication and interaction with people. It shows examples of people like Michael Jordan or the Dalai Lama who have high capability in maintaining relaxed awareness during challenging or stressful situations. This capability can result in taking in information more effectively and making better decisions. It also offers practical advice for maintaining human connections in a digital age when so much human interaction is disrupted by machines.

[Gracemarie Garlen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book offers a refreshing perspective on a topic that many of us tend to avoid, much like eye contact when we are looking at a screen! This is a must read for anyone looking to improve the quality and depth or their relationships with others. I will carry these lessons learned from Brodkin and Pallathra with me both in my personal and professional life. This is an excellent book for leaders and followers alike.

[Sarah-Jane Pirie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Enjoyable, lacked some depth of barriers to atonement and it was a little bit repetitive but gave good examples on how to really improve relationships and brought it back to basics. Hit the nail on the head when it mentioned that most people are not good listeners but it could have expanded further to "attune" or tap in to other peoples interests by highlighting it can be about asking the right questions. Nicely written, easy read.

[Donnie Otto · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book did a great job on showing practical ways to integrate mindfulness into our relationships. It makes me re-think how I interact at work but especially in personal relationships. I am excited to practice the skills and be mindful of how important it is to really connect with others (and actually connecting). There was on segment on artificial attunement that has me really interested in learning more on what has been done and what is in the works - it is a little terrifying though.

[Kareena | kareenbeanreads · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m usually not a huge self help book person. I was intrigued by this one and seeing if there were any suggestions of how to create deeper relationships but it was a bit of a flop. This was a very average book that touched all of the topics I already knew and sort of felt like a lot of the information in it was self explanatory.

[Tori]

Skimmed so not rating

[Ashley]

dnf

[Reader · Rating 3 out of 5]

Must read for anyone in a relationship

[Trevor Atwood]

Summary

[Emily Mellow]

Not the book I was wanting it to be

[Cecilia Pang · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great reminders!

[Durrah]

Cultivate a deep understanding and practice of attunement.

[Anshu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Headway

[Jen · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is more focused on the internal thoughtful mental reasons we "miss" each other.
Exercises in mediation, walking together and more.

[Shuhei Matsutoya]

8/10

The scary truth is that most people are oblivious to how broken this world of constant device-checking is. People are so invested in their own lives and time, that they’ve completely forgotten what’s most important: their relationships with family and friends and people that matter. This new phenomenon of social media seems to not be doing any favors to this issue at hand- it’s almost like social media users are being brainwashed into caring more about how others perceive their adventures rather than actually having them. How will this problem be solved? Can this issue be solved?

People often overlook the negative effects that the creation and rapid popularization of social media has caused on our relationships. Social media and other means of online communication have changed human beings’ unique ability to have deep, personal connections with other human beings for the worse. By reading Missing Each Other: How to Cultivate Meaningful Connections, readers will be more aware of the effects that the internet has brought, and why the convenience of online communication is often deceptive when in reality is extremely detrimental to us. The authors also include numerous exercises that can help us discover different facets of ourselves that might have been clouded because of the internet. The book is written neatly and was easy to understand all throughout. Overall A very thoughtfully written book- a lot of relevancy to the current world here.