Tief verbunden: Wie wir alte Bindungsmuster auflösen und dauerhafte Partnerschaften eingehen. Mit einem Vorwort von Peter A. Levine

by Diane Poole Heller, Gabriel Stein (Translator)

Eine spannende Reise zu mehr Intimität und Nähe

Unsere ersten Beziehungen prägen uns das ganze Leben lang. Ob wir unsere Eltern und frühen Bezugspersonen als zugewandt und liebevoll oder eher als distanziert oder gar abweisend erlebt haben – diese Erfahrungen wirken sich unter Umständen selbst heute noch auf unsere Partnerschaften aus. Die gute Nachricht Selbst wenn unsere Kindheit nicht so ideal war – unser System ist darauf programmiert, wieder heil zu werden, weiß die erfahrene Traumatherapeutin Diane Poole Heller aus ihrer langjährigen Praxis. Dieses Buch hilft dabei, unsere ganz persönlichen Muster und Vermeidungsstrategien in Bezug auf Nähe herauszufinden und anhand vieler praktischer Übungen aufzulösen.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Mental Health, Personal Development, Audiobook

273 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 12, 2019

Reviews

[Saman · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5

هر قدمی که واسه خودشناسی برداریم، نفع و بهره‌اش به خودمون برمی‌گرده و باعث میشه زیست در این جهان و ارتباط با آدم‌ها برامون راحت تر بشه. به نظرم همون که اصطکاک روابطمون کمتر بشه و بهره وری رو زیاد کنیم برد کردیم. این خودشناسی هم یه طیف گسترده است و موضوعات مختلفی رو شامل میشه که به نظرم ارزش وقت گذاشتن داره. اصلا هزینه و انرژی که بعضی از ما برای تغییر برخی از اطرافیان و عزیزانمون میذاریم رو اگر صرف این کنیم که طرف مقابل رو ترغیب کنیم که رو بیاره به خودشناسی، احتمالا در این مسیر هم موفقیت بیشتری کسب می‌کنیم. مسیر باطل تغییر دیگران با اصرار و خواهش و تلاش ما حاصل نمیشه و صرفا مثل یک جنگجوی شکست خورده در انتهای مسیر روی زمین ولو میشیم. اینها رو در اهمیت خودشناسی گفتم و میخوام به این نکته اشاره کنم که مدتی است که این بحث انواع دلبستگی‌ها برام مساله جذابی شده.یک مجهولی که انگار دونستنش میتونه یکی از پازل‌های خودشناسی رو تکمیل کنه. برای همین هم کتابی با این موضوع انتخاب کردم تا بتونم انواع سبک‌های دلبستگی رو بشناسم. اگر قصد مطالعه این کتاب رو دارید به چند سوال زیر پاسخ بدین(به خودتون پاسخ بدین نه اینکه کامنت بنویسید). آیا چیزی از انواع سبک‌های دل‌بستگی میدونید؟ آیا میدونید جزو کدوم دسته از انواع دلبستگی هستید؟ آیا ریشه دل‌بستگی که در شما به وجود آمده رو اطلاع دارید؟ و آیا قصد بهبود مشکلات دل‌بستگی که گریبانگیرش هستید رو دارید؟ اگر پاسختون به این پرسش‌ها منفی است(به جز پرسش آخر) به نظرم این کتاب میتونه پاسخی به این پرسش ها بده و براتون مفید باشه. همینجا بگم که هیچ تاکیدی روی مطالعه این کتاب ندارم مخصوصا اینکه در حوزه روان‌شناسی مطالعات بسیار کمی داشتم.اما میتونم این تاکید رو برای آشنایی با سبک‌های دل‌بستگی داشته باشم و مقصودم از مفید بودن این کتاب اینه که موضوع سبک‌های دل‌بستگی ارزش مطالعه و شناسایی و وقت گذاشتن داره..

زمانی که با کسی وارد رابطه میشیم این دلبستگی ها نمود بیشتری پیدا می‌کنه.اساسا اینجاست که تازه می‌فهمیم چه خبره! سکوت گه گاه پارتنر ما یا اضطراب ها و ترسهایی که درکش واسمون سخت میشه. همه اینها علت داره. اگر بخوام دقیق تر و به زبان کتاب بگم، وقتی که فردی اجتنابی با یک فرد اضطرابی وارد رابطه میشه. این یکی از پرچالش ترین مسائلی است که بین دو طرف رخ میده. دو آدم با دو شکل متفاوت دل‌بستگی که هر کدوم چالش های خودش رو داره و تقابل این دو سبک نارضایتی‌هایی به بار میاره.

خانم دایان پول هلر در این کتاب انواع سبک های دل‌بستگی رو به چهار بخش تقسیم می‌کنه که عبارتند از ایمن،اجتنابی،دوسوگرا(اضطرابی) و آشفته و از ویژگی های هر سبک، ریشه های تشکیل اون میگه و در نهایت تمارینی برای رسیدن به سبک ایمن طراحی می‌کنه و مخاطب میتونه اون تمرین‌ها رو انجام بده. بالا که از خودشناسی گفتم باید این نکته بدیهی رو هم اشاره کنم که خودشناسی دردناکه. رو به رو شدن به بخش‌هایی از وجودمون و به ویژه ریشه های به وجود اومدن اون بخش‌ها چیزی است که خوشایند نیست اما باید شجاع بود و وارد این مسیر شد. نویسنده به طور کلی سعی کرده هم مساله رو توضیح بده و توصیف کنه، هم ریشه یابی کنه و هم راه حلی برای بهبودش ارائه بده. قله در این مسیر سبک دل‌بستگی ایمن هست و ما با هر سبکی که هستیم باید به اون سمت حرکت کنیم تا روابطمون بازدهی بیشتری داشته باشه.

برای اصلاح سبک های ناایمن و حرکت به سمت سبک ایمن همانطور که گفتم تمرین‌هایی طراحی و پیشنهاد شده که من فعلا انجام ندادمشون و نظری ندارم. البته با دو نفری روانشناسی خوانده و تراپیست که سر این مسائل صحبت می‌کردم بیشتر جلسات درمانی رو پیشنهاد می‌دادند. برخی حرف‌های نویسنده خوبه اما نه در حد اینکه تغییر ایجاد بشه.بلکه برای شروع در مسیر تغییر. منظورم اینه برداشت من اینه برای هول اولیه این کارها خوبه،ولی کافی نیست و برای تغییر و اصلاح نیاز به اقدامات جدی‌تری است. مثلا چند جایی در مورد سبک اجتنابی از درک کردن طرف مقابل یا ارفاق دادن حرف زده بود. به نظرم درسته که درک کردن در روابط لازم و واجبه اما این مساله ای نیست که با درک صرف حل بشه و باید طرف مقابل رو برای اصلاح رویکردی که داره آماده کرد. فراموش نکنیم ترکیب اجتنابی با یک اضطرابی نیازمند این هم هست اضطرابی درک بشه. باز هم تاکید می‌کنم چون تمرین ها رو شخصا هنوز انجام ندادم نظری در موردشون ندارم.صرفا تجربه ام از گفت و گو با دو نفر متخصص رو اینجا نوشتم.

قسمت آخر پیکی بلایندرز توماس شلبی یه دیالوگ معروف داره و میگه : سلامتی خانواده که گاهی پناهگاهی برابر طوفانه و گاهی خود طوفان! در جای جای کتاب از نقش و تاثیر خانواده در ایجاد سبک های دل‌بستگی ما میگه. از تاثیرات اغلب مخربی که قطعا خوندن این بخش‌ها سختی هایی به همراه داره اما قابل چشم پوشی هم نیست.طوفان بودن یا سدی در برابر طوفان بودن خانواده چیزی است که نویسنده بارها بهش اشاره می‌کنه و مخاطب بهتره آمادگی روحی مقابله با حقیقت رو داشته باشه! امید که خانواده هر کسی پناهگاه برابر طوفان باشه، قبول کنیم یا نه، خانواده امن میتونه بسیاری از معضلات روانی ما رو کم کنه و خانواده ناامن...

[Lorena · Rating 4 out of 5]

The best thing about this book is the author’s gentle, reassuring tone. I’ve read other books on attachment theory that explain the attachment styles and provide relationship advice, but this is the first book that really made me feel like there is nothing wrong with those of us who have an insecure attachment style. I love how the author often writes in first person plural point of view (“When we grow up with an avoidant adaptation” or “Those of us with an ambivalent attachment style”), creating a sense of inclusion and acceptance. It makes this subject so much easier to read about.

This book describes all four attachment styles: secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and the often-neglected disorganized style. The author explains that these styles are on a continuum and can be quite fluid, changing over time and within different contexts. She maintains that anyone can learn how to function more securely and enjoy a happy relationship. To that end, she provides tips and exercises for working on your own attachment issues as well as learning how to understand and get along better with people of different attachment styles. Importantly, she also provides some suggestions for when it may be best to move on from a relationship.

This book was easy to understand and emphasized a hopeful message that intimate connection is everyone’s birthright. I recommend this book for anyone interested in improving their relationships, or for counselors who want to help clients with attachment issues.

I was provided an unproofed ARC through NetGalley that I volunteered to review. Because I have not seen the final published version, I cannot comment on the final editing and formatting.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think I like Diane Poole Heller's work filtered through my therapist than I do taking it straight up. I think this book would have blown my mind if I hadn't read about 8 books about attachment theory over the last two years. I think this book would have impacted me more if I had felt the time or the space or the compulsion to do the exercises. Sometimes, a book hits me just so and knocks me into the next phase of my life. This strikes me as a book that could do that for someone, just not me, just not now.

[Lina · Rating 2 out of 5]

Knygoje tikrai galima rasti trupinių įžvalgių minčių, kurios bus pravarčios geriau suprantant save ar aplinkinius. Žodžiu - tiesos yra. BET bendrai paėmus knyga nekokybiška. Bandoma pakišti po prieraišumo sąvokomis daugiau dalykų nei yra nesaugus prieraišumas: asmenybės sutrikimą, kompleksus, reakcijas į trauminius išgyvenimus ir pan. Ir jei jau rašai knygą specifiškai šia tema, vertėtų įtraukti reaktyvų nesaugų prieraišumą. Čia apie jį neužsimenama.
Nerekomenduoju, nebent išmanot temą ir skaitysit kritiškai.

[Sophia Ciocca · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book mostly ended up being stuff I already knew from reading other books and immersing myself in attachment theory, but I did learn a few new concepts that really stuck.

The main take-home for me was the idea of “coherence” — this total attunement that some part of me has been deeply longing for my whole life, consistently disappointed with poor coherence in all of my relationships, but no vocabulary to name it.

I also really loved Diane’s embodied exercises. My eyes usually ended up brimming with tears, as I imagined the secure scenarios and visualizations that she guided me through. I particularly loved the “welcome to the world” exercise, which stirred so much of my own early childhood grief around feeling unwelcome. I also loved the “gleam beams” (kind eyes) visualizations. Doing these I felt so much warmth, and such a taste of what life could feel like when I’m not looking out through trauma goggles.

Also, Diane’s voice is so soothing. The whole book felt like a warm hug, or sitting on a mother’s lap. Her compassion deeply shines through. Honestly, I think this was my favorite part. I am so grateful for her. 💜

[LemontreeLime · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not exactly a self help book. More like a personal seminar in applied psychology. And the author is totally jazzed by her subject, if more therapists had her zeal and depth of knowledge, it'd be a different world.

[Ugnė · Rating 4 out of 5]

Didžiulis pliusas už paprastą, aiškią ir turbūt kiekvienam suprantamą kalbą bei už skatinimą atsakyti į klausimus apie prieraišumą tiek įprastoje, tiek streso būsenoje. Ir dar už tai, kad visi nesėkmingi prieraišumai pateikiami be vienpusių kaltinimų kažkam, labiau kaip aplinkybės, kurios žmogų ištiko be jo pasirinkimo. Nebe pliusas už tai, kad nors pradžioje pristatoma, kad knygoje bus pratimų, jų nėra tiek jau daug ir jie visi skatinantys įsivaizduoti - turintiems ne tokią lakią vaizduotę gali kilti sunkumų. Kitas nebe pliusas, kad skyrius, ką daryti su partneriu, didesnis už skyrių, ką daryti pačiam, - labai mielas ir sveikintinas noras padėti kitam, tačiau man atrodo, kad pradžia vis tiek pačiame žmoguje būti turi.

[Hannah Turner · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Deep down all of us are designed for intimacy, connection, awareness, and love. We’re amazing, magical creatures, and to see each other as such is a tremendous gift to everyone involved. Open yourself to that. Open yourself to all that it means to become fully human, fully who you were meant to be. You can do it. We all can do it. We’re designed to do it”

[Shay Vande · Rating 5 out of 5]

Personal thank you to this book for addressing the "issue" of being in a relationship with avoidants with something besides "they're monsters that won't change so just leave them." While I do think it's true that there are many abusive and neglectful people that fall into the avoidant category (and I do want people to be wary of that), I am very glad that this book is helpful to people with avoidant attachment and those that have relationships with them.

It is true that we also want love and we just struggle to recognize our feelings and don't know how to reach out to people. We need to take breaks when conflict and upsetting emotions are happening. I have learned that I need to actually communicate that with my anxious loved ones and give them a set time to come back and talk once that break is over.

It is very possible for avoidant people to learn to have healthy relationships and a big part of that is understanding how attachment theory works. The same is true for anxiously attached people. My sister and I are kind of on both ends of this and we manage to have a good relationship to each other because we meet each other in the middle and learned about these things. That's why I really recommend reading a book like this. It helps you understand the different ways that people think and communicate.

[Andrius Baležentis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beveik niekada neskaitau knygų antrą kartą, o šią - skaitysiu, nes kol kas ją prabėgau su įkarščiu, godžiai siurbdamas informaciją - tiek daug atsakymų susidėliojo į reikiamas lentynas, kiekviename skyriuje atpažinau artimuosius ir santykius su jais, o vieną dalį skaičiau lyg psichoterapeuto išrašą apie save patį. Jausmas, lyg kažkas nuskaitė vidines patirtis, mintis ir surašė mano paslėptas būsenas.
Antrą kartą knygą naudosiu kaip darbinį instrumentą, pamažu išbandydamas aprašomas praktikas, pratimus, koreguojant savo prieraišumo tipą, veikimo instinktus ir atkuriant ryšį su savimi. Tai dar nežinau kiek ji bus veiksminga savipagalbos srityje.

[Morgan Blackledge · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got this to follow up Self Therapy by Jay Early.

Perhaps it was a tough act to follow.

But I was underwhelmed.

It’s a Sounds True title, so I was expecting more guided meditations/experiential exercises.

This program was almost entirely didactic.

If you’re pretty new to attachment theory and you want to learn more. This may be a great option for you.

For me.

I think it is a case of bad timing.

3/5 😕

[Jimmy Wearn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I find the contents of this book to be overwhelming interesting. The different natures of attachment styles, how they relate to trauma and childhood is fascinating. Further, the practical advice and exercises explored for both secure and insecure attachment styles alike are interesting and have clear merit, especially with folks on high ends of these spectrums I think. I particularly enjoyed the last bit of the book with practical advice on how to navigate the waters of romantic relationships relative to these attachment styles. I admired the resounding theme that we are all biologically programmed for secure attachment style and there is a path for each and every one of us to get there.

So why three out of five? And this is sheerly semantics and perhaps I should be more forgiving in what is ultimately a fairly academic book. But my God was the prose boring and dry. It took me 2 months to finish this book and I probably read it over the course of three months. It completely derailed my reading streak because I stubbornly refuse to move onto a new book before I've finished the last. But that's more of a me problem. Overall, I really did enjoy the contents of the book, but it reminded me of biting into an unsalted dry potato from a literary perspective.

[Ieva Arlauskienė · Rating 4 out of 5]

Populiariosios psichologijos amerikiečių autoriams būdingu stiliumi knygos pradžioje būsite supažindinti su autoriaus asmenine istorija, gijimo keliu, atradimais, ir rasite įvadą apie tai kam skirta knyga, ko pasieksite perskaitę ir kaip taip pakeis jūsų gyvenimą. Tačiau nepaisant įžanginės dalies, visa kita labai gerai. Na, gal dar savarankiškos užduotys kiekvieno skyriaus pabaigoje, kurių dauguma skaitytojų, tikiu, niekada nedaro. Bet užduotys labiausiai skirtos pagalvoti, pastebėti tam tikrus dalykus, todėl tai nesukelia per daug praktinio vadovo įspūdžio, o tik labiau atskleidžia knygos esmę. Asmeniškai buvo naudinga ir įdomu susipažinti su saugaus prieraišumo ryšiu, atpažinti jo požymius santykiuose, integruoti juos į savo gyvenimą, pritaikyti auginant vaikus. Buvo smalsu panagrinėti prieraišumo adapticijas, kurios susiformavo daugeliui iš mūsų ankstyvoje vaikystėje, kuri nebūtinai buvo ribinė, tačiau funkcionavo ne taip kaip turėtų, ir todėl užsiprogramavo neįsisamoninta ir liko kaip pirminis santykių modelis, atsikartojantis visuose kituose santykiuose. Rekomenduoju jei siekiate geriau pažinti save ir kitus, domitės psichologija ir norite rasti atsakymus. Knyga neskatina ieškoti kaltų, nesukelia pykčio ir apmaudo dėl įvykusių dalykų, tačiau skatina atsiverti tobulėjimui.

[Erica Filer · Rating 3 out of 5]

My favorite part about this book was how it had practical skills and exercises to use in both personal and clinical work. I have read a lot on attachment theory so I was hoping this book would offer more insights and findings than others I have read in the past (sadly it didn’t). However, if you are wanting to understand the basis of attachment theory and attachment styles I highly recommend! It’s a little bit more of a clinical book but is still a digestible read.

[Toma Adomaitytė · Rating 5 out of 5]

Būdai kaip išmokti mylėti ir džiaugtis savo gyvenimu 🙏

[milica · Rating 3 out of 5]

“The Power of Attachment” came into my life at a moment when I truly needed to reconnect with myself and examine my attachment patterns, both in relationships and within. Diane writes in a gentle, clear, and insightful way, and I have to say that this book helped me actively do something for myself. The exercises aren’t just empty theory. When you truly engage with them, they open up real space for inner work. Although, I still felt like something was missing. Maybe more real-life examples? Maybe a deeper emotional dive? Except for one chapter that really stayed with me, most of the book didn’t leave a lasting impression, possibly because I already knew some of these concepts, or maybe because I was hoping for even more practical tools. I also wish there had been more exercises, something to take it a step further.

Still, I’d recommend this book to anyone looking to explore their attachment style and begin healing in a compassionate, grounded way.

[Asta Ast · Rating 3 out of 5]

Knyga ne itin sužavėjo, toks vaizdas kad ji visa apie tą patį, bet gal taip ir turi būti, perskaitęs ją daug maž keliais sakiniais gali apibūdinti. Bet kartu ir susidaro bendras vaizdas kodėl atsiranda vienokios ir kitokios gyvenimo traumos, ir, kad nuo visų gali pagyti

[Annie · Rating 4 out of 5]

So good! Much preferred over “Attached.” Compassionate, reassuring, and so many great exercises for moving towards secure attachment.

[Shelley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Significantly better than Attached. If you're interested in attachment theory, this is the book to read.

[Daughter of Paper and Stone · Rating 4 out of 5]

Preface

I would recommend this book to those who want good activities to work through their attachment style or know little about the topic. Much of it was a rehash of what I had in my counseling classes.

————————————————————————————
Ratings

Knowledge: 2.5 📜📜💫 A fair amount of knowledge
Complexity: ❎ Not complex. Anyone can understand.
Interest: 2.5 🧚🏻‍♀️🧚🏻‍♀️💫 A full cup of interest
Overall star rating : 3.5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️💫 It was good, it was almost great.

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🚨🚨🚨🚨 SPOILERS 🚨🚨🚨🚨

Some ( Very Random) Moments of Notice Along With (Sometimes) My Very Live Thoughts Straight From My Notes App to You:

📌 “contingency refers to a relational experience in which you feel understood by another person. You have a felt sense that this person is attuned to you, that they resonate with who you are. You feel they “get” you. You get gotten and feel felt, so to speak. When you tell them a story or something about an experience you’ve had, you feel they meet you in an emotional and even spiritual way. It’s a deep sense of connection. It doesn’t happen enough, of course, because a lot of the time when we speak or listen to others, we don’t pay enough attention or dig deep enough to empower this sense of contingency to happen. As an important side note, one way to generate contingency is to ask clarifying questions when others are speaking to you. Relevant questions show that we’re really listening and care to comprehend the other person thoroughly.
When we’re newborns, we don’t have many ways to express ourself other than crying. Sometimes we cry because we have an obvious need—say, we’re hungry or need a diaper change. But babies also cry to communicate other needs. An ideal parent or caregiver will pay attention to these[…]”

[Niki Vervaeke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helder uiteengezet hoe hechting ontstaat en verloopt en hoe verschillende hechtingspatronen herkenbaar zijn en kunnen evolueren.
Focus op de aanleg tot zoeken naar veilige gehechtheid, zelfs met negatieve ervaringen in veiligheid.
je krijgt handvaten om je eigen gehechtheid te bekijken. Zonder dwang of (ver/be) oordeling van waar dit ontstaan is of vandaan kwam.
Inzichten ook uit het werk met Peter Levine en Somatic Experiëncing


https://ceesvanderboom.nl/de-kracht-v....

[Greta Gruodė]

Daug gerų atsiliepimų sukūrė mano aukštus lūkesčius, bet jie deja nepasiteisino. Kažkodėl tikėjausi daugiau apie prieraišumą auginant vaikus, bet knyga labiau orientuota į atsineštas traumas iš vaikystės ir darbą su jomis suaugus kuriant sveikus santykius. Kam tai aktualu - turbūt rastų atsakymus. Deja pati nors ir stengiausi ir skaičiau vos ne pusę metų - knygoje sau kažko neradau.

[Aleassa Jarvis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very interesting and helpful little book! An easy read but extremely practical in better understanding attachment styles in relationships and how to navigate them in a healthy and nurturing way.

[Charlie Whitfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

A validating read for those of us with insecure attachments. A nice blend of academic and scientific writing mixed with relational and everyday language, and provided much more nuance than the popular book 'Attached'. Enjoyed the sprinkle of practical tips throughout to help move toward secure attachment. Useful for everyone to read!

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

me thinking about anyone I know after reading this book

я думаю пра любога чалавека ў сьвеце, прачытаўшы гэтую кнігу

[Mehdi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Before I read this book, I had heard about attachment theory but had never taken the time to dive into the topic. Poole Heller's work is a very good introduction, explaining the theory's concepts clearly and with a lot of compassion. Avoidants and ambivalent types who fear being judged (as they can be by some self-help authors) will find this book a great guide to help them be kinder to themselves and others, get the best of their dominant attachement style, and improve towards more secure attachment.
I particularly liked that (1) she frames all attachment styles (particularly insecure ones) as survival adaptations to early social environments, (2) she emphasizes that a person's attachment style changes over time and across relationships, and (3) she describes attachment styles not as discrete categories we should fit into, but rather as part of a spectrum that we can find ourselves in, not in a fixed manner, but rather in a flexible way.
The author did a great job of giving readers hope and practical tools to work with their attachement style and to come closer to being securely attached, with theory, examples, and exercises. I've learned a lot without being overwhelmed and I'm very grateful for that read. I am excited to share it with others and practice the skills Poole Heller describes.

The little minus would be the edition: the cover material feels very cheap, and the cover image is really not appealing... but I can't blame the author for that.

[Daeus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid review of attachment theory with many examples within relationships and explanations of an individual's CNS along with strategies to respond to different situations that more towards secure attachment. Felt like a therapist giving a lecture/workshop.

Some interesting concepts/quotes:
- we need to be in attunement at least 20% of the time in relationships. No one is perfect, there is wiggle room here.
- practice repair, which builds our relationship resiliency, and helps keep us in attachment.
- "we develop the capacity for independence...we develop the capacity for dependence... and that gives us this increased capacity for interdependence."
- practice noticing and receiving 1% more connection.
- there are some benefits to insecure attachment types with regards to survival. Ex. Avoidant is good with limiter resources to survive alone in harsh circumstances.
- "Secure folks don't have any particular behavior pattern or personality or appearance, they just have this capacity for connection."
- ambivalence: 'they pick a fight when really they just want a hug, but they're too stressed.'

[C · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I'd read this 20 years ago! Very insightful into the causes of emotional triggers and behaviors. I ended up buying a copy for myself. It's not just relevant in term of romantic relationships, but in how you interpret all relationships and thus gives a good starting point for working through common relationship problems with friends, family, colleagues and romantic partners.

[Christy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book so much. It has been a very powerful force in my own healing, and in the healing of my relationships. I listen to it again and again to receive more of its wisdom. It is a compassionate approach and the neuroscience is fascinating!

[Bailey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me understand my pain and hesitancy around relationships. It was a welcome tool in the midst of navigating a painful breakup. I felt seen and heard, yet still challenged to grow beyond my mold. I want Diane Poole Heller to coach my life.