Living with limerence: A guide for the smitten

by Dr. L.

Living with limerence is a guide for coping with unwanted infatuation. In the 1970s, psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term 'limerence' to describe an obsessive mental state of romantic infatuation. If you've ever met someone whose company was so electrifying and exhilarating that you felt intoxicated just by being with them, you understand the euphoric thrill of limerence. If you've also become obsessed with them, plagued by intrusive thoughts you can't control, and unable to keep away from them even after you know it's doing you harm, then you understand the dark side of limerence too.
In this book, pseudonymous neuroscientist "Dr L" sets out the case that limerence is best understood as addiction to another person. Drawing on evidence from the neuroscience of reward-seeking, motivation and behavioural addictions, and the personal testimony of some of the thousands of limerents that visit the Living with limerence website every month, he makes sense of the experience of being so utterly infatuated with someone it feels like you've lost your mind. Inside you will Limerence can be great, but can also be awful. This guide will help you find the right balance, and plan for a better future.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Health, Mental Health, Ebooks

137 pages, Paperback

Published March 10, 2020

Reviews

[Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the way this author approaches limerence. I see a lot of resources pathologizing it and acting as if it only ever toxic and delusional. It's nice to see someone taking a more measured approach of learning how to navigate limerence in a balanced and healthy way, that it's okay to indulge if it's mutual, and how to tap out early if it isn't.

The only thing it's lacking is an understanding of limerence and non-monogamy, but I understand that is pretty rare everywhere. I'd love to start digging into it some more, because I most certainly am non-monogamous, and my limerence does not engender a desire for exclusivity or an inability to become limerent for another person (or even more than one other person).

[Zach Lues · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book came at a crucial time in my life. Coming to the understanding of what limerence is has granted me a kind of peace akin to that of one of my life's greatest self discoveries. This book is an absolute must read for anyone engaged in, or trying to engage in a loving partnership with another person. It has broadened my narrow knowledge of love, infatuation, limerence and heartbreak.

The inner turmoil that I have been feeling my entire life in regards to my love interests is not only much more understandable to me now, but I now also view it as one of the greatest blessings I must contend with moving forward. This book has garnered new hope within me to go forth, armed with this information, and ready to tackle a alot more of my life's trials and tribulations in my personal ventures in romance. For that alone I have to give this book a perfect rating.

[Catherine⁷]

This book is so interesting. Although not in the DSM 5 or recognized as a diagnosed mental illness, limerence reflects some of the obsessive tendencies present in those with OCD and other addictive behaviors. A quick Google or wiki search defines limerence as "a state of mind which results from romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love" (and I add) regardless of the amount of time spent with or without that person. This book defines it as a "person obsession" and is a much more intense and often irrational form of love and care for another person. The neurochemistry of limerence is similar to other addictive habits that form in appropriate brain regions (like the ventral tegmental area, striatum, and amygdala).

I've actually had many conversations with people who have dealt with limerence. I myself have encountered this strange coping mechanism in parts of my life, which I suspect is/was a way I have avoided other parts of my behavior. I've learned that the relationships we develop in early childhood, particularly with parents and/or guardians, influence attachment styles and the likelihood/degree of limerent experiences. Relationship OCD and the presence of neurodivergency may also arguably affect the likelihood/degree of limerent experiences.

However, I've also learned that most problems honestly occur simply because there is a lack of information, or there is an assumption made about things, people, and other situations without proper information given. People do not always take the time to understand themselves and others and instead turn to mechanisms of distraction and addiction. All of us do this on some level. I thoroughly enjoyed how simply this book addressed these tendencies we have as humans. I also enjoyed the nuanced perception about limerence and how to identify the complicated trap it can create. I think it is important to learn to live with the cards we've been dealt with in life without thinking that we are going to stay the same for the rest of our lives. I just don't think that is true. Rather, you learn to live with the problems you have, catch yourself at appropriate times, and hold yourself responsible to make wiser decisions that put you on a more fulfilling path. Over time, with proper care, treatment, and growth, these tendencies slowly lessen. It's also learning to be gracious with yourself and others. I don't think it is productive to believe there's this magical moment where you are "fixed" and cured of all your problems right now. That's impractical. That type of thinking is bound to leave you disappointed. The reality is that all of us are kind of "messed up" in some way. However, there is hope that you can change and fight against your weaknesses.

I love constant growth, and I am honored to continue to understand the range of human experience that I encounter, especially within myself. I think everyone can learn to love more purely. That starts by acknowledging your faults and where you could possibly be harmful to others and yourself and then learning to fight against those tendencies. You are worth it because you grow.

[M. · Rating 1 out of 5]

It's not that long, it's not that useful. Don't ask me where I saw this recommended.

It's basically hogwash. No one can prove limerence actually exists and it seems to be a general description of people with rose tinted glasses and serious emotional problems, not that most of us don't have them in our teenage years, but this book tells you it's 'normal'. It's supposedly a phenomenon just like infatuation that can drive a person insane and even ruin their marriage, etc.

But the idea is that it is *unavoidable* as a personality trait. The scientific evidence? Dorothy Tennov's research, based solely on interviews and with no community acknowlegement other than pop scienceybooks. There are few references to actual psychology concepts such as attachment syles and things like neuroscience, but I think it's designed to make readers feel like they're reading something serious.


The only good thing this blogger (yes, he admits he's one) did was smash the myth of male promiscuity as the most genetically convenient strategy, but a lot of other things such as *the balance of the universe* having both people for whom this behavior was normal and others for which it was not, or selfish and selfless people, are just impossible to take seriously.

Bottom line: if you're immature about someone, avoid them and work on yourself, don't put people on a pedestal just because you enjoy their company. Things that probably you could listen from your mom/dad/wise relative/godparent/good friend and probably don't need 117 pages of constantly repeating and alternating between pseudoscientific and blogger style.

[Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish someone would have told me about limerence when I was 15, I finally understand the thing that had taken my emotional life by storm many times, and caused much pain and suffering on my part (admittedly a lot of dopamine driven manic highs as well).

[Angelino Desmet · Rating 3 out of 5]

After reading the first couple of pages: “Wow… So not everyone feels this way?” After completing the book I'm now looking at myself from a bird's-eye view, acknowledging a physical adult with the relational maturity of an adolescent. I got some work to do.

If I'd read this book in high school, my life would've turned out remarkably different. Therefore, Living with limerence is a must-read for those who are suckers for infatuation.

[ʀᴀᴠᴇɴ ★ · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book is literally about me. limerence (almost) ruined my life. but reading this also serves as my tipping point, a much needed breakthrough. it's been fucking years, and now that i'm largely aware of what the fuck it is i was feeling and what was wrong with me, it's time to change.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars.

I found this really comforting as I’ve experienced a very soul shattering limerence once in my life.

I never heard of this term until last week but it describes perfectly so many things I went through and also really went into the psychology behind it.

It gave me a lot to think about and I’m so glad I found this book as when I was going through it in the past, I didn’t know what it was, I just thought it was a crush that was out of hand. It’s comforting to know that other people have had their whole selves consumed by thoughts of another person.

I really feel this read was beneficial for me and the subject was very interesting.

[Sergio Avilés · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting book about the concept of limerence. It’s clear, straightforward and even if it doesn’t provide you any magic tricks that will prevent you from being infatuated about people, it helps you to get more rational about it. I like the message of the author at then end of the book; if we decide to have an easy life we should avoid the early stages of (what it seems) a toxic limerence; normally we are prey of limerence if we’re lost in our lives, so instead of losing time ruminating about our limerent objects, we should invest time in finding ourselves.

[Ayushi · Rating 5 out of 5]

NOTES FROM

Living With Limerence: A Guide for the Smitten

Dr L

10 January 2022
Introduction
“The worst part is being completely at the mercy of these super strong emotions. Going between the happiest I have ever felt when there is a positive interaction and the deepest depression when something negative happens. I try to remember the bad times to help me get control and back to some semblance of normality, but all it takes is a word from him and I am back to square one. Logic has absolutely no power with me.”

10 January 2022
Introduction
the complete mental capture of your inner world by this other person, until it feels inescapable.

10 January 2022
Introduction
underlying neurochemistry, and from the collective wisdom of the hundreds of limerents who have shared their stories with me.

10 January 2022
Part 1: Limerence
Limerence arises from hard-wired neural systems that were refined over evolutionary history, which are then programmed by our own individual experiences of growing up in a complex social environment

10 January 2022
Chapter 1: What is limerence?
It's like my world has been in gray my whole life and now it's suddenly in color. I feel this crazy mixture of shame, euphoria, humiliation, bliss, guilt, anxiety, loss, yearning. I feel like I'm going crazy. I want it to stop and I don't want it to stop.”

10 January 2022
Chapter 1: What is limerence?
In the early stages, the emotional storm of infatuation is mostly positive. In fact, during the best bits, it’s a more stimulating and intoxicating experience than pretty much anything else you can go through. Early limerence is characterised by euphoria, a thrilling sense of excitement and intensity of feeling; an exuberance about life that feels like an extraordinary natural high. And of course, that high is triggered by, and centred on, another person – the limerent object (LO). As

10 January 2022
Chapter 1: What is limerence?
When she's around I don't know how to behave, nor what to say. It's a mixture of uncertainty, fear of rejection and joy from feeling she's in the same room. Oh, my. It's killing me almost!

10 January 2022
Chapter 1: What is limerence?
They project their own emotional needs onto this other person, idealise them, minimise their flaws, and generally treat them as a sort of impossibly desirable object of infatuation, not as a fully rounded and complex human being.

10 January 2022
Chapter 1: What is limerence?
Limerents will often seek out time alone just so they can indulge their daydreams fully. The intoxication of reverie is a defining feature of limerence, and a primary cause for deepening it.

10 January 2022
Chapter 2: How limerence begins
It’s best described as an immediate sense that this person is romantically potent in some way – they cause what I call “the glimmer”.

10 January 2022
Chapter 2: How limerence begins
whole-body physiological arousal – similar to the ‘fight-or-flight’ response

10 January 2022
Chapter 2: How limerence begins
only a certain fraction of the attractive people we meet are a match for our ‘limerence avatar’ and initiate the glimmer.

10 January 2022
Chapter 2: How limerence begins
Each interaction is analysed for meaning.

10 January 2022
Chapter 2: How limerence begins
de Clerambault’s syndrome

10 January 2022
Chapter 2: How limerence begins
tactical errors on your part

10 January 2022
Chapter 2: How limerence begins
a special kind of hell reserved for limerents that nucleate on a LO that gives mixed signals, enjoys the attention, or actively cultivates the infatuation for their own narcissistic supply.

10 January 2022
Chapter 2: How limerence begins
Another barrier could be literal distance; if you are unable to connect with them except through electronic means.

10 January 2022
Chapter 2: How limerence begins
So that’s the killer combo of ingredients for starting limerence: they’ve got to match your limerence profile, you’ve got to have some hope they like you too, and there has to be enough uncertainty to mean you descend into an inward spiral of wondering, ruminating, second-guessing, and over-analysing. All this results in making them the central focus of your mind, and that’s what gets you properly hooked.

10 January 2022
Chapter 3: The neuroscience of limerence
Heads you lose. Tails you really lose.

10 January 2022
Chapter 3: The neuroscience of limerence
limerence is ‘addiction to another person’

10 January 2022
Chapter 4: The limerence habit
They are habits that we use to give us a hit of pleasure when we’re tired or stressed, habits that we use for mood repair

10 January 2022
Chapter 4: The limerence habit
think about LO -> seek LO -> get reward.

10 January 2022
Chapter 4: The limerence habit
you know, things are, like, really complicated at the moment, and anyway I’m a mess and you should stay away from me

10 January 2022
Chapter 4: The limerence habit
That, then, is the fate of most limerents. Led on by the neurochemical thrill of reward, they unwittingly train themselves into a habit of compulsive LO-seeking, often enabled by an LO that causes an intermittent reward schedule. And once the habit is established, it takes real cognitive effort to undo.

10 January 2022
Chapter 5: Social and cultural pressures
numinous

10 January 2022
Chapter 5: Social and cultural pressures
heft

10 January 2022
Chapter 6: Why does limerence exist?
From the perspective of an individual man, indiscriminate mating is a lousy strategy. And not just morally lousy – mathematically lousy. Women are only fertile for a limited period of their oestrous cycle, and so the chance that an opportunistic sexual encounter will result in pregnancy is low. A much more effective strategy for the man is to remain with a woman for a prolonged period, having regular intercourse, thereby increasing the probability that fertilisation and implantation will occur during the most opportune period of the woman’s cycle. From this perspective, male and female goals are aligned – and it likely requires mutual sexual attraction for this arrangement to be stable enough to persist for the weeks or months required. To increase the odds even more, the male would strive for exclusivity from the female throughout.

10 January 2022
Chapter 6: Why does limerence exist?
And you thought you just had a crush on someone!

10 January 2022
Chapter 7: What makes someone a limerent object?
“I liked Betty’s hair. It was long and very dark brown with waves, the kind of hair that moved when she turned her head.”

10 January 2022
Chapter 7: What makes someone a limerent object?
“The first thing that attracted me… was his height. Barry was exactly the same height I was, and I loved it.”

10 January 2022
Chapter 7: What makes someone a limerent object?
“I fell in love with Bernard because I thought he might love me in return. I must also admit that his money and success and all the power that seemed to go with them probably also played a role

10 January 2022
Chapter 8: Why are some people so addictive?
The ability to provoke limerence in many people.

10 January 2022
Chapter 8: Why are some people so addictive?
If you feel the glimmer for someone who reciprocates, but then causes uncertainty, you’re pretty much guaranteed to fall headlong into limerence.

10 January 2022
Chapter 8: Why are some people so addictive?
With limerence, this would be a period of love bombing at the start of an affair, followed by progressive decreases in the attention given once the limerent is hooked, but with occasional, unpredictable, grand gestures to keep you off balance.

10 January 2022
Chapter 8: Why are some people so addictive?
Seduction is the art of coercing somebody to desire you, of orchestrating somebody else’s longings to suit your own hungry agenda. Seduction was never a casual sport for me; it was more like a heist, adrenalizing and urgent. I would plan the heist for months, scouting out the target, looking for unguarded entries. Then I would break into his deepest vault, steal all his emotional currency and spend it on myself.

10 January 2022
Chapter 9: A rogues’ gallery of limerent objects
The “flattered by the attention” LO

10 January 2022
Chapter 9: A rogues’ gallery of limerent objects
These individuals are basically a good sort, but they enjoy having someone be Into Them. It is, after all, top-notch ego validation. Maybe they’re feeling lonely, or perhaps it’s rare that people show interest in them. Whatever the reason, they are grateful for your interest, and want you to keep coming back. They’re not malicious; just a bit selfish, really. Nevertheless, it doesn’t help you out of your limerence trap.

10 January 2022
Chapter 9: A rogues’ gallery of limerent objects
Those sorts of LOs are going to be hard to get away from, and also poor prospects as potential long-term partners.

10 January 2022
Chapter 10: the key stages of limerence
As a unifying principle, the key behaviour that facilitates everything is this: indulging in fantasising about your limerent object increases the chances that all of the things listed above will happen. Getting wise to how your behaviour leads to the next tipping point can save you from disaster.

11 January 2022
Chapter 11: Limerence and infidelity
Are you OK, love? You don’t seem yourself.” “What? No, I’m fine.”

10 January 2022
Chapter 11: Limerence and infidelity
Feeling shame about thoughts (especially unbidden, intrusive thoughts) is destructive, counterproductive, and a recipe for self-loathing.

11 January 2022
Chapter 11: Limerence and infidelity
Add that to the neurochemical storm that convinces them that this is a cosmic-scale connection ordained by celestial powers, and you have a pretty uneven fight between the promise of limerence and the duty of marriage.

11 January 2022
Chapter 11: Limerence and infidelity
When you resolve cognitive dissonance by changing your moral compass it has profound consequences for your self-image and self-esteem.

11 January 2022
Chapter 11: Limerence and infidelity
they can’t trust you, all their past memories are suspect, all your promises are potential lies, all their future plans are destroyed.

11 January 2022
Chapter 12: Can’t we just be friends?
you don’t respond to this person the way you respond to your other friends.

11 January 2022
Chapter 13: Life as a limerent
Seen in that context, the sensible response is to learn when to indulge it and when to overrule it

11 January 2022
Chapter 13: Life as a limerent
We are most vulnerable to limerence when we do not understand ourselves, do not understand our drives, and react unthinkingly to the presence of an LO – led by our emotional impulses and enslaved to subconscious urges.

11 January 2022
Chapter 13: Life as a limerent
moderation is the key

11 January 2022
Chapter 13: Life as a limerent
Limerence can be a fantastic engine for creativity. If used wisely, the desire to impress your limerent object, the drive to expend the consuming passion on making something, can be used to build something worthwhile.

11 January 2022
Chapter 13: Life as a limerent
It may not be Shakespeare, but it will be a manifestation of your unique artistic or artisanal voice. The world is enriched by the fruits of limerent labour

11 January 2022
Chapter 13: Life as a limerent
Self-awareness

11 January 2022
Chapter 14: What makes us vulnerable to limerence?
when exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed, lonely, grieving, or depressed.

11 January 2022
Chapter 14: What makes us vulnerable to limerence?
It’s even possible to use limerence as a sort of stress barometer – if you find yourself sinking further into limerent reverie, for example, it is worth taking note of what is going on in your life at that moment and whether there is a source of new stress that has triggered your faulty attempts at mood regulation.

11 January 2022
Chapter 14: What makes us vulnerable to limerence?
The key point is to recognise that increased limerence can be an indicator of increased stress, and that the actual problem to solve is the stress.

12 January 2022
Chapter 18: Getting over a specific limerent object
interloper

All Excerpts From

L, Dr. “Living With Limerence: A Guide for the Smitten.” Apple Books.
This material may be protected by copyright.

[Sara J. (kefuwa) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably should 5-star this because it has explained some stuff to me that needed explaining. I've just had a roller coaster month and a half all things considered, sleep has been shot but my energy has been off the freaking charts, I've been going a little stir crazy but have really been into work - I've been clocking in & out like clockwork and even sorta enjoying it to boot, plus I've actually been getting somewhere with my handstand & flexibility workouts. And I can say it's all because of limerence. Crazy a** limerence. Which is a freaking two-sided sword that can hurt like being rammed by a 40 ft trailer some of the time. Oh well.

// Yes, this is an out-of-character read & review. But there you have. It's here. It's done. I need to regulate this addiction & harness the positives for good.

[Eva · Rating 4 out of 5]

Limerence is such a fascinating topic and makes me realise how ingrained it is in our society today. "Head over heels“, romantic obsession and idealising your love interest or partner.

People and relationships are more complex, and as Ted from HIMYM analysed in the Dobler-Dahmer effect, it all comes down to whether the attention and interest is reciprocated.

Interesting framework, and I liked the book because it was an easy introduction and simplification of the world of limerence.

[Lucy Haney · Rating 4 out of 5]

While a little narrow at times, I really enjoyed this book. Easy to read and understand with helpful perspective. The author’s bias is present, but easily navigated and honestly rather entertaining. Cheeky little book for people who crush big :)

[N · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not a scholarly text; more to do with lived experience. Was hoping to read more about trauma and attachment. Limerence is not pathologized as such, but I'm grateful for the recognition of how debilitating it can be.

[Clarissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

First heard of Limerance in early part of this year…

This book has been SO so informative on the basics of what limerance is, how it manifests, the positive and negative connotations, and how to not allow it to take complete control of your thoughts / life.

Extremely helpful in understanding myself after struggling with a debilitating limerant experience.

My only bug bear for this book is that it really only skims the surface… limerance being incredibly subjective as it will manifest in slightly different ways. Definitely a subject I want to read in more depth.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book felt like the equivalent of a really good therapy session. will definitely be going back and reading certain chapters over again when needed lol.

[sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed to read this book. It helped me loads

[Tim · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was very helpful.

[Noé Ponte · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely wouldn’t take the contents of this book as a “written in stone” type of thing. But it was helpful to read about limerence as a behavior in other people and extremely insightful to get a new perspective from someone who has done some amount of research on the topic.

It allowed me to reflect on some of my own past and present behaviors as well as the behaviors from the people around me. If you’re wanting to get a new pair of eyes on relationship issues related to obsessive behavior, I would recommend this book.

To keep and open mind and to have empathy is crucial for us to understand each other.

[S. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Far more interesting than I thought it would be

I would say if I experience limerance it is very subdued; to the point it may not even qualify. But this book did give me a better understanding of past relationships and friends behavior that I often found baffling.

[Layan · Rating 1 out of 5]

Why is this thing so serious? Is it a problem? I feel like it’s a normal thing, but it makes a person feel like they’re wasting time just by feeling anything. I think I’m going to read Tennov’s book to understand this better.

[Nixennacht · Rating 5 out of 5]

That was one selfhelpbook that really helped. Thank you so much. It is like I founf a piece of a puzzle that was always missing.

[Galadriel · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5/5

[Aniya Curry · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m even more weird than i thought so that’s… nice to know? Good informative book. There’s just not much enjoyment you can get from books like this so that’s why the rating is so low.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Haaaaaaaaaaate how much I needed to read this book. And thus that much thankful for it ugh

[Samina Aziz · Rating 2 out of 5]

Good info in places but

Found this quite judgemental and patronising. There is some places where I feel the advice given if taken can even be harmful

[Tiara Paul · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’ve recently been interested in the topic of pathological love and understanding emotional drives from a psych/neuroscience POV. I stumbled across the topic of limerence on social media; the term was only recently coined by Dorothy Tennov, and it is very underinvestigated. Interested in learning more, I went ahead and read this book.

It was a quick read. It was a good explanation of limerence overall, but not necessarily a thorough analysis. The brevity made it seem a bit superficial and oversimplified, nothing groundbreaking. Honestly though, I think there just needs to be more research on this topic. I will say, Chapter 18 was excellent, offering unique and actionable ideas for healing.

Some specific points that piqued my curiosity:
-The author equated limerence to addiction neuroscience, tethered to dopaminergic reward systems. There is also an association with OCD and anxiety. As shown by the Skinner box studies, the variable intermittent pattern is the most effective schedule of reinforcement (triggers consistent behaviors), and the one most resistant to extinction (one keeps performing the behavior even after the rewards stop coming). We are programmed to believe that our behaviors can dictate or predict what happens next, as if we control the handout of rewards, but that is simply not the case in all situations. I can see how limerents likely loop themselves into this misconception, when in reality they need to recognize that they are becoming victim of a variable reward schedule. This actually reminds me in part of the Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. Another layer to it is similar to how companies hook gamblers at a casino; it is effective to offer a big win in the early stages of a game, then gradually increase the time (in random intervals) to the next reward, which, notably, is also decreased in size. There also may be occasional unpredictable grand gestures to make the person even more off balance. Limerence takes similar form.
-For some limerent objects, their actions are a subconscious learned behavior. But frighteningly, for others, it’s intentional and predatory manipulation: a reflection of a true personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies. In either case, is there space for forgiveness?
-I appreciated how the author described limerence as a habit, originating in the brainstem, very resistant to change. In order to intervene or undo it, you need to independently recruit the executive centers of the brain, which requires deliberate cognitive effort. Additionally, in times of stress, our brains seek comfort in familiarity; so despite logically recognizing the harm of limerence, bad habits flare up when someone is stressed, lonely, overwhelmed, etc.
-I was interested in the proposed evolutionary origin of limerence, in that it can give way to pair bonding and eventual reproduction. “…The typical duration of limerence corresponds with the period needed to conceive and deliver a child and nurse them through the most vulnerable period (typically up to about two years)” (pg 41)
-The concept of pheromones, in that smell can drive attraction, has always been intriguing to me. The author mentions some evidence that immunological markers can be detected in scent, and they are an indication of fitness or compatability in a mate.
-Finally, some food for thought: “How much of human folly can be explained by limerents and nonlimerents making fundamental errors about each other’s expectations of love?” (pg 14) i.e. two well-meaning people seeking to be understood, without seeking to understand…

[Lagobond · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy & entertaining to read. Relatable. Comforting. Insightful. To the point. Practically applicable.

This is the kind of self-help book that makes you go, Ohhh that's what's been going on with me, now it all makes sense, I'm not crazy after all. Now I know how to deal with this, and get back to enjoying life. Couldn't ask for more.

For me, this book is in the same category as The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing and Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Emotional Eating: Set yourself free from binge-eating and comfort-eating. I've read a bunch of self-help books that were interesting in some way... but which didn't really influence me. And then there are others, like these, which immediately, profoundly, and permanently change my thinking & behavior for the better.

[martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I sought out this book optimistic that it would provide me some emotional solace and help me understand myself better, and it's been a great help.

I do wish the book was more thorough, but the lack of scientific research in conjunction with the fact that limerence is an incredibly subjective experience obviously makes that difficult.

I think that the pseudonymous Dr. L details limerence, physiologically and psychologically, in a clear, approachable and welcoming way to those curious about it. Dr. L is comforting in their descriptions of the feeling of limerence. I didn't feel alienated whatsoever for the feelings I felt.

The criticisms Dr. L presents of limerence and it's often self-destructive cycle is also gently detailed. It made me aware of how damaging this state of mind can be if uncontrolled, but I was constantly comforted by the reassurance that limerence is something in my control. The tips Dr. L provides are useful.

This book is a good introduction to the topic of limerence and would be a great starting point for anyone interested in the topic, or trying to understand it or their own emotions. It's certainly not going to save you alone, but I can imagine it being a good starting point for the introspection that leads to a calmer and happier mind.

[Hollay · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very enlightening book. I definitely have a firm understanding of limerance after reading this. However, something about the methods at the end for dealing with a limerant object rubbed me the wrong way. I feel like the solutions were rushed and provided some options for quickly dealing with your LO. My main issue is how immature and underhanded the way of dealing with an LO was. Like, the book spends a considerable amount of time talking about the importance of personal accountability and treatment of your loved ones, yet an LO (limerant object) should just be ghosted and purposefully avoided? I get that it’s a valid way of dealing with the situation, and sometimes an LO is someone who doesn’t deserve attention in the same way a loved one of friend does. However, after how incredibly well written the rest of the book is, it simply left me feeling icky about the proposed solution for dealing with an LO.

I think that limerance is an area of study that is still actively being researched and talked about. I’m glad this book is out, but I feel that towards the end the author could’ve spent more time talking about that fact rather than just seemingly offering a hasty written list of solutions.