Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to The Victim

by Wayne Mitchell, Tamara Mitchell

What if we could tell you…why you can’t get over this?

Wayne & Tamara wrote Cheating in a Nutshell To give you the answer. This book is for anyone who was cheated on in a romantic relationship.

In 20 years, Wayne & Tamara Mitchell, authors of the advice column Direct Answers, have received thousands and thousands of letters about cheating. The letters come from all over the world, different religious beliefs, different cultures, and different social norms. Rich, poor, young, old—are all represented in this book.

The reaction to being cheated on is universal, and in this book Wayne & Tamara Mitchell give the longer answer they wanted to give each and every one who wrote.

It doesn’t matter if the cheating happened today or thirty years ago, whether it happened once or multiple times. It doesn’t matter if you were dating, living together, engaged, or married. It doesn’t even matter if you are the person they cheated with, if you were victimized by the cheater.

Cheating in a Nutshell is grounded in an analysis of a 3,000-letter sample of cheating letters the authors received in the first 10 years of their column. It is backed by what they consider the most important and illuminating research evidence.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Divorce

226 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 8, 2019

Reviews

[Patty · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this if you've been cheated on

Great resource for someone who's been cheated on. It avoids putting any blame on anyone but the cheater. It validates the out-of-control feelings you have and explains how that's normal. Disgust Anger Suspicion Trauma - DAST - Great acronym for post-infidelity feelings.

[Maggie61 · Rating 3 out of 5]

It did have a lot of good points however this is not the book to read if you wanted to remain married to the person who cheated. It’s very negative about the possibilities of reconciliation.

[Earlybird · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nails the experience of falling victim to a cheater, but lacks a bit in advice of actually *how* to recover. It was still tremendously helpful for me in being confirmed that my current state of mind is absolutely normal. I do recommend it to everyone who has been cheated on.

[alessia · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5

[Rose · Rating 3 out of 5]

Welp here I am. I liked the empowerment this book gave towards victims of infidelity. With that being said I wish there were less stories and more advice on recovering. While I agree with their main points, this book seemed very biased towards never staying in a situation where one was cheated on. I think this usually good advice but life is not black white. Since their main argument is that the victim needs to leave, I do think they should include information about how this is done successfully.

[Katie Stanton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best books I’ve ever read. I could not put it down. The writers speak directly to every thought in the victims head. With their book based off of letters they have received, there were all sorts of situations addressed the reader would be able to relate to. They didn’t sugar coat anything and I felt like I was told the truth about infidelity for the first time! 1000% RECOMMEND!

[Meagan · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Cheating is an underhanded, treacherous act. That is it’s nature. Each of us seeks the one for us. That’s what cheating destroys, the idea that our partner chose us alone”

I think if I had read this before “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” I would have enjoyed it a lot more. This book was alright. Pretty basic in its material but may be a good place to start for some. I also appreciate how it’s another book where the authors do not place blame on the victim, recognizing that the cheater has their own agency:

“The man you were involved with was not so miserable married he was getting a divorce, but he claimed he was ‘miserably married’ as an excuse to cheat. The logic simply doesn’t hold”

(In my STBXH case, it wasn’t that he was unhappy but rather, he felt he could be “happIER”. Same logic - or lack of it - still applies)

I did really appreciate the chapter on other books regarding infidelity and recovery. The authors did a great job breaking a number of popular books on the topic and what to be wary of if someone decides to pick one up. A few I had on my TBR have been removed, at least for now when I’m still at my most vulnerable.

[Michael Townley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nailed the experience. Pointed analysis

I’m not sure I agree with everything they say, but they nailed the physical, mental and emotional experience perfectly. Sometimes we convince ourselves we are weird for having entirely normal biological and psychological reactions to this stuff. Recommended by a friend and I also recommend to any with this situation.

[Cody · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great book. It explains and validates so much of the feelings someone has when they're cheated on. So many articles and books victim shames. This book does not. This is not the best book for someone who is wanting to fix things if a spouse cheats. This book gives data and studies that proves someone who has cheated is three times more likely to cheat again.

[laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

cheating

Cheating is a trauma to your body just as breathing is necessary. Your body keeps the score and cheating is in black and white no matter how we would like to change it. Nobody more then me would love to love the way I did before. But the body doesn’t let you do it. It now protects you without you even knowing it. Sorry to say

[Jose · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has opened my eyes.

A non stop reading. Clarifying and a fresh way to look a things that go behind the curtains in a relathionship. The authors did a great job here. If you have doubts about what to do. Read this book.

[Kenzie Hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably the best book on the market concerning the topic. A level-headed, scientific approach to what happens to victims of infidelity. Helps to validate experiences and also provide realistic insights for what to expect from the outside world, yourself, and your betrayer.

[AJ · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you have been cheated on, this book is for you

As one who has been cheated on by the same person many times over two decades, I was looking for something to help me understand and explain it all.
This book is very different that others I have read.

In summary:
1) You are not to blame for your significant others cheating. Do not allow anyone, even a therapist to tell you any different.
2) If they have cheated on you once, they will most certainly do it again and again.
3) The reasons what are often not know and do not matter.
4) The only thing to do after being cheated on is to leave the person and never look back.
5) If financially intertwined in your relationship, seek legal counsel.
6) If you are feeling depressed and cannot seem to get over the affair, get out and seek a good therapist.

The book was easy to read, with straight forward, no-holds-barred advice. Much of it may be hard to hear but I think for most people, it is what we need.

I have read that after a spouse cheats, < 10% of the those relationships can be saved. Not something most of of what to hear, but probably need to do so.

Two things to know:
1) Their are some small religious overtones in this book but not enough to make me, an atheist put it down.
2) The book only covers heterosexual relationships and though non-traditional couples can learn from the advice in the book, I would love to see a similar book covering gay/lesbian culture and its differing norms.

If you are in a relationship where you are being cheated on, know you deserve better. It is not your fault. I hope you an find a real positive solution to your situation. This ok may help.

[Fragile Diamond · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not helpful for those who stay

This book is very one-sided. To the point where it seems the authors don’t believe in forgiveness and once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. It’s in their DNA. Can’t be any other way so the OBVIOUS answer is to leave. I’m worse I was when I started reading. Not helpful for me at all. Thank goodness I have my own mind to know that reconciliation is real and very much possible for couples who work hard to stay together and improve their relationship by communicating more, and loving each other on purpose.

[Tanya · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a refreshing take on cheating. I'm tired of reading about forgiveness, taking him/her back, reconciling. Ugh! I just want to be mad 😠 and go through the emotions as they come.

It was nice to know why I felt they way I did and that I'm completely normal in reacting how I did. It also gave me some explanations of what I was feeling and put into words the things I couldn't quite express. I had a lot of ah ha moments while reading this book.

Thank you for the clarity and putting it into words I can comprehend.

[Kendall McDowell · Rating 5 out of 5]

a lot of truths necessary to hear. amongst all the inner emotional and mental turmoil, this book was everything i needed it to be without sugarcoating the truth or downplaying anything. i truly cannot thank the authors of this book enough. their approach to every chapter is spot-on and encapsulated thoughts and feelings i couldn't even begin to verbalize or process. i am beyond thankful i found this book when i did.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cheaters will definitely struggle with reading this book. The authors take a very firm stance against cheating and from their experience it appears that cheating is not something relationships can actually recover from. If you feel that other books on the subject are too soft on cheaters or victim blaming then this is probably the book for you.

[Laura Callan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must Read!

Must read for one who has been victimized by a cheater. This book helped me make my decision with truth and reasoning. I’m taking MY life back and moving forward. No more crumbs, no more half measures. They avail nothing. Maybe this was all a blessing in disguise and I can thank him one day.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is spot on! If you have recently discovered that you are being cheated on, this is the best book for advice. If you want the summary version, it is 'Get out'!

[Logan Bunde · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book about two months after discovering my wife’s affair, once we had already separated. While I found value in it, I think it’s especially useful for those who are still debating whether to attempt reconciliation or leave their partner. The book offers perspectives from the betrayed partner on the impact of infidelity. A solid read if you’ve been betrayed and need confirmation that you’re not crazy for what you’re feeling.

[pea. · Rating 4 out of 5]

started this ebook mostly as a lark.
thought nutshell = short essay... was a bit more than that.
thier analysis of prominent books and studies was interesting.
a needed voice of dissent ... a voice telling the betrayed, belittled, gaslighted and left behind that they are not wrong with what they feel.
a balance to all the 'we can work it out' fed to us over the decades.