Have you ever wondered what kind of a cardboard cut-out of a character you would be in a novel like this? Now is your time to find out!
There are plenty of options. Below you can find your romcom personality, based on your qualities.
Are you a woman?
(The division into two genders is very rigid. Do not question it. If you’re woman you wouldn’t even think to, right? You’re probably too busy thinking about handbags, haha!!!)
Skinny = Slut. Skank. Vapid. Beautiful.
Chubby = Lazy, ugly, unattractive, stupid. Desperate for male attention, due to the aforementioned qualities. You are the enormous butt of every possible cruel joke. Someone might be dumb enough to fall enough love with you - but only after you’ve lost weight. This will be made very clear. Obviously your man (obviously a man; lesbianism exists but only as a joke) will also be chubby and all other kinds of disgusting, but he will nevertheless tell you very clearly he did not fall in love with you until you lost weight. Also the key to losing weight is falling in love.
Rich = Skinny (see above). Probably married for money, obsessed with youth, beauty, and skinniness. Empty heads enhanced with plastic surgery, cruel thoughts, cruel words, cruel actions.
Poor = Lazy, ugly skank, strapped with multiple children from different fathers and other miscellaneous stereotypes. You have no style, no class, and your poverty is the only relatable quality you possess. Also the only thing you possess. If you’re black, your name is Dwaneesa.
Big-breasted = This is the quality all women strive for. If you have naturally huge melons, congratulations, you have a reason to live! If not, plastic surgery is the option for you. Caution: you will still be made fun of in a very cruel and unnecessary fashion.
Oh, and by the way: big breasts don’t count if you’re fat. But at least you’ve got that one quality that might trick some dummy into giving you the love you are so very desperate for.
Blond: Beautiful slutty skank (to mix it up a little).
It’s good to be aware that women in general are kind of stupid - sometimes in a heart-warming, pathetic, adorable way, sometimes in a bitchy, witchy, mean kind of way. Choose your fighter. If you’re not married by 25, yikes. If you’re not married by 28… just give up.
Are you a man?
Rich = Cruel, self-absorbed playboy.
Poor = I mean… If you’re not rich, what’s the point of you? Pass.
Foreign = You are a thinly veiled, borderline offensive stereotype of a vaguely Mediterranean man with lots of hair all over. You are described as “animalistic”. You make your characterization work for you and end up being the only relatively normal person in the book, and also the only one the reader actually roots for. So, congrats?
Artsy = Gold-digging, good-for-nothing son-of-a-bitch. Preys on rich women in hopes of squeezing some money out of them. Dreamy, but deplorable. Also poor (see above).
Chubby: Ew. Oh, you’re secretly rich? Well, that changes everything.
The point of men in general is to support at least one woman in his lifetime. It is a well-known fact that a woman cannot support herself. Education, careers and personal or professional dreams and aspirations do not exist - for women, at least. So be prepared, especially if you’re rich, because women will be basically breaking into your house to try and force you into marriage.
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FYI: I read this book because it lives in the breakroom at my place of work, and I like to read while I eat. Probably shouldn’t eat while reading something that makes me nauseous. Although it might be a good way to lose weight, and as a woman, being as skinny as possible is obviously of utmost importance, so… yay?