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She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
Ian Kerner offers a radical new philosophy for pleasuring women in She Comes First—an essential guidebook to oral sex from the author of Be Honest—You’re Not That Into Him Either. The New York Times praises Kerner’s “cool sense of humor and an obsessive desire to inform,” as he “encourages men through an act that many find mystifying.” An indispensable aid to a healthier, more fulfilling sex life for her and him, She Comes First offers techniques and philosophy that have already earned raves from the likes of bestselling author and Loveline co-host Dr. Drew Pinsky as well as Playgirl magazine, which cheers, “Hallelujah!”.
228 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2004
5314 people are currently reading
23002 people want to read
About the author
Ian Kerner
25 books288 followersIan Kerner is a nationally-recognized sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books including the ever-popular She Comes First (Harper Collins). He writes a well known column for CNN and can often be seen on the TODAY Show and the Dr. Oz Show amongst others. He is regularly quoted as an expert in print and online media.
Ian is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors (AASECT) and addresses issues that are common to the "American bedroom." He frequently lectures on topics related to human sexuality, with recent appearances at New York University, Yale and Princeton. Ian is the founder of Good in Bed, an online destination that brings together many of the country's leading sex and relationship experts. Ian was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons.
Ian is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors (AASECT) and addresses issues that are common to the "American bedroom." He frequently lectures on topics related to human sexuality, with recent appearances at New York University, Yale and Princeton. Ian is the founder of Good in Bed, an online destination that brings together many of the country's leading sex and relationship experts. Ian was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,040 reviews
March 17, 2009
Reviewed for THC Reviews
As a woman, I know that I am not exactly the target audience for this book, but I decided to read it along with my husband. I thought this would be much better than guessing what the book was teaching men, and also open an effective line of communication on the subject. Even though I had read several positive reviews for the book prior to buying it, I was still very surprised by just how good it actually is. She Comes First is without question, the best non-fiction sex guide that I have read to date. It really hits the nail on the head when it comes to helping men understand a woman's body and what makes her tick, and the most amazing thing about that is it was written by a man.
In my opinion, one of the things that make this book work so well is the author's holistic approach to the female mind and body. Mr. Kerner has such a good grasp, not only on a woman's anatomy, but also on how a woman thinks, that I almost felt like he was inside my head while reading the book. The author's genuine care and concern for women resonates loud and clear throughout the book, and he makes a great case for why the woman's pleasure should come first. Any man who can read Mr. Kerner's words and truly take them heart will, in my opinion, have no trouble creating a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship for both partners. The other thing that sets She Comes First above some other books is that it is a well-thought-out work, which never seems like a cheesy sex manual. I've seen a number of sex books which seem more like porn than realistically helpful instruction books. She Comes First keeps everything very simple and real. Mr. Kerner writes in a very down-to-earth style that is easy to relate to and understand. He does use a lot of literary analogies, which may not be everyone's cup of tea, but the information contained in them is still quite comprehensible even if the reader is not an English major. Also, while many sex books incorporate full-color photos (which is fine sometimes), She Comes First sticks with ordinary line drawings which keep the reader's focus on the substance of the text while enhancing the words with helpful illustrations. In addition, the chapters are very brief (generally only a few pages long), and several of the ones on technique include repetition in the form of quick reviews at the end of the chapter, making it perfect for the ofttimes shorter male attention span.
My husband was certainly willing to read She Comes First, but since he already reads quite a bit about sex and relationships on the internet, I think that he was perhaps a little skeptical that he would learn anything new and more importantly, that it would actually work. Well, I can honestly say that both of us were pleasantly surprised by just how effective the techniques can be. If this book could teach my husband, a normally attentive lover, a few new tricks, I can only imagine what it might do for other men who aren't quite as skilled or considerate. Of course, that's with the caveat that they are open-minded enough to not think they already know it all. In fact, I even learned a few things about my own body of which I wasn't previously aware: Who knew that the clitoris wasn't just the “love button,” but an entire network of eighteen different parts, all of which contribute to experiencing sexual pleasure? I sure didn't.
She Comes First is first and foremost an instruction manual for cunnilingus, as well as an argument for why this is the most effective way to pleasure a woman. Still, there are also chapters on incorporating manual stimulation (a very important complement to cunnilingus), transitioning to intercourse and practical information on safe sex, in addition to parts that touch very briefly on things such as toys, light bondage, and sexual concerns such as premature ejaculation. The first half of the book is primarily about female anatomy, while the second covers step-by-step techniques. I would warn any man who might be tempted to skip the first section to get to the “good stuff”, thinking that they already know these things, to think again. A woman's body is much more complex than it may seem at first glance, as I demonstrated with my earlier comment about the clitoris. If there are things that I didn't even know before reading this book, then it's pretty unlikely that men would either, and truly understanding the female body and all of its inner workings is key to being able to effectively pleasure it.
Overall, She Comes First is a book that I would highly recommend to both men and women. Any man who wants to have a happy, healthy sex life and truly know what a woman wants should definitely be reading this book. Women should also do themselves a favor by encouraging their lover to read it, or at the very least, leave it lying around where it can be easily found. She Comes First has definitely earned a permanent spot on my bedroom shelf, and I am eagerly looking forward to reading the companion book, Passionista (the retitled release of He Comes Next). Ian Kerner is also a regular contributor to several magazines and newspapers as well as making appearances on various television programs such as The Today Show. Now that I know his philosophies definitely match my own, I'll certainly be looking up his articles and interviews as well. All I can say it that if Mr. Kerner makes a habit of practicing what he preaches at home, his wife is one lucky lady.;-)
As a woman, I know that I am not exactly the target audience for this book, but I decided to read it along with my husband. I thought this would be much better than guessing what the book was teaching men, and also open an effective line of communication on the subject. Even though I had read several positive reviews for the book prior to buying it, I was still very surprised by just how good it actually is. She Comes First is without question, the best non-fiction sex guide that I have read to date. It really hits the nail on the head when it comes to helping men understand a woman's body and what makes her tick, and the most amazing thing about that is it was written by a man.
In my opinion, one of the things that make this book work so well is the author's holistic approach to the female mind and body. Mr. Kerner has such a good grasp, not only on a woman's anatomy, but also on how a woman thinks, that I almost felt like he was inside my head while reading the book. The author's genuine care and concern for women resonates loud and clear throughout the book, and he makes a great case for why the woman's pleasure should come first. Any man who can read Mr. Kerner's words and truly take them heart will, in my opinion, have no trouble creating a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship for both partners. The other thing that sets She Comes First above some other books is that it is a well-thought-out work, which never seems like a cheesy sex manual. I've seen a number of sex books which seem more like porn than realistically helpful instruction books. She Comes First keeps everything very simple and real. Mr. Kerner writes in a very down-to-earth style that is easy to relate to and understand. He does use a lot of literary analogies, which may not be everyone's cup of tea, but the information contained in them is still quite comprehensible even if the reader is not an English major. Also, while many sex books incorporate full-color photos (which is fine sometimes), She Comes First sticks with ordinary line drawings which keep the reader's focus on the substance of the text while enhancing the words with helpful illustrations. In addition, the chapters are very brief (generally only a few pages long), and several of the ones on technique include repetition in the form of quick reviews at the end of the chapter, making it perfect for the ofttimes shorter male attention span.
My husband was certainly willing to read She Comes First, but since he already reads quite a bit about sex and relationships on the internet, I think that he was perhaps a little skeptical that he would learn anything new and more importantly, that it would actually work. Well, I can honestly say that both of us were pleasantly surprised by just how effective the techniques can be. If this book could teach my husband, a normally attentive lover, a few new tricks, I can only imagine what it might do for other men who aren't quite as skilled or considerate. Of course, that's with the caveat that they are open-minded enough to not think they already know it all. In fact, I even learned a few things about my own body of which I wasn't previously aware: Who knew that the clitoris wasn't just the “love button,” but an entire network of eighteen different parts, all of which contribute to experiencing sexual pleasure? I sure didn't.
She Comes First is first and foremost an instruction manual for cunnilingus, as well as an argument for why this is the most effective way to pleasure a woman. Still, there are also chapters on incorporating manual stimulation (a very important complement to cunnilingus), transitioning to intercourse and practical information on safe sex, in addition to parts that touch very briefly on things such as toys, light bondage, and sexual concerns such as premature ejaculation. The first half of the book is primarily about female anatomy, while the second covers step-by-step techniques. I would warn any man who might be tempted to skip the first section to get to the “good stuff”, thinking that they already know these things, to think again. A woman's body is much more complex than it may seem at first glance, as I demonstrated with my earlier comment about the clitoris. If there are things that I didn't even know before reading this book, then it's pretty unlikely that men would either, and truly understanding the female body and all of its inner workings is key to being able to effectively pleasure it.
Overall, She Comes First is a book that I would highly recommend to both men and women. Any man who wants to have a happy, healthy sex life and truly know what a woman wants should definitely be reading this book. Women should also do themselves a favor by encouraging their lover to read it, or at the very least, leave it lying around where it can be easily found. She Comes First has definitely earned a permanent spot on my bedroom shelf, and I am eagerly looking forward to reading the companion book, Passionista (the retitled release of He Comes Next). Ian Kerner is also a regular contributor to several magazines and newspapers as well as making appearances on various television programs such as The Today Show. Now that I know his philosophies definitely match my own, I'll certainly be looking up his articles and interviews as well. All I can say it that if Mr. Kerner makes a habit of practicing what he preaches at home, his wife is one lucky lady.;-)
February 4, 2011
First, what annoys me about this book. There's a certain cheese factor to any "how to" book and this is no exception -- though the cheese is admittedly muted. More important, Kerner has a one-size-fits-all approach to sex. Different people like different things, and this is especially true of women. I'd couple this book with "The Guide to Getting it On," which beats it in tone (it's as hilarious as sex itself). The GTGIO emphasizes communication between partners. You don't know until you ask, or at least get nonverbal feedback.
Now, the good. Men tend to learn about sex through porno, which is kind of like learning about hunting by watching Elmer Fudd cartoons. In porno, women -- just like men -- love hard stimulation, and the male narcissus and woman's pleasure are fused. Put a different way, there really are no women in porno, only the male ego. This breeds in men a sort of fascination and repulsion of women's sex. (And, unfortunately, women often feel a sort of repulsion toward their own bodies.)
So, no surprise there are more reviews by women of this book than men. Women realize it's high time to learn about women's bodies, real women's bodies, and this is a good place to start. The non-readerly boyfriend can even make it through this book at half-times of football games. And even the readerly need to realize there is something, someone beyond the pages.
Women deserve orgasms, early and often. Everybody deserves good sex. But it's not something you are born with. Practice, study, practice some more, and worship at its altar. It's yours, Grasshopper. The mango is there.
Now, the good. Men tend to learn about sex through porno, which is kind of like learning about hunting by watching Elmer Fudd cartoons. In porno, women -- just like men -- love hard stimulation, and the male narcissus and woman's pleasure are fused. Put a different way, there really are no women in porno, only the male ego. This breeds in men a sort of fascination and repulsion of women's sex. (And, unfortunately, women often feel a sort of repulsion toward their own bodies.)
So, no surprise there are more reviews by women of this book than men. Women realize it's high time to learn about women's bodies, real women's bodies, and this is a good place to start. The non-readerly boyfriend can even make it through this book at half-times of football games. And even the readerly need to realize there is something, someone beyond the pages.
Women deserve orgasms, early and often. Everybody deserves good sex. But it's not something you are born with. Practice, study, practice some more, and worship at its altar. It's yours, Grasshopper. The mango is there.
January 11, 2015
One man's POV on how to please a woman with oral sex. I bought it as a "joke" for my partner. Woo hoo! Turns out we both loved it. The author says most men are "ill-cliterate" and know more about what's under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris. Recommended as a gift to your partner. LOL!
November 14, 2023
A man asked me out last Saturday after less than three minutes of conversation.
Me: You move fast.
Him: I know what I like.
Apparently, he doesn’t like dates with me because he didn’t get one. My reason? If he jumps the gun on asking me out before even knowing my first name, or my reason for being in his part of Ohio…
he’ll probably jump the gun on everything else, including his own release in the bedroom. And at 45, I’m just not having it.
Speaking of which, the author of this book learned the art of oral sex as a survival mechanism, to compensate for his biological inability to achieve “sixty minute man” status. Honestly, not even six. So, you can say his challenge as an “early ejaculator” gave him a very real stake in the race to demystify the proper eating of fur pie, a pursuit some men and women are too lazy to study unto mastery.
Honestly, everyone needs to read this book. Women, men, and even oldish teens who feel mature - and safe - enough to explore their sexuality. Gay, straight, whatever, we could all learn a thing or two from this book.
The author holds a PhD in literature, which is important to note since he likens this guide to Strunk & White’s Elements of Style. You lit types will understand his comparison connotes the gold standard of beauty & practicality when it comes to the brass tacks of cunnilingus.
Is this book the gold standard for beauty as regards rhythmically applied pressure unto climax? Probably, yes. Though if I’m honest, I’ve only read one other book on the subject, and it was yucky. But in terms of practicality? Definitely, yes.
That’s not to say his instructions are fail-proof because each woman is different. Two small examples:
1. “Make your first lick a slow and tender ice-cream lick from bottom to top. Start at the fourchette and work your way up. Take in the full length of her labia minora and let your tongue rest briefly against her frenulum” (61%).
Yes, please!
2. “During foreplay, avoid direct contact with her genitals for a minimum of ten to fifteen minutes. Stimulate other parts of her body. Let the oxytocin wash over her and pervade her blood stream” (45%).
No, thanks. I’d like my hoo-haw acknowledged within, say, five minutes of (post-make-out) intimate commencement. Not fully addressed, mind you, just… acknowledged as being in the room.
As a wise friend once said to me, “Relationship books are great for people who aren’t actually… communicating with their partners. If you talk, though, you’ll figure out something that works infinitely better for your own unique situation.”
I agree. This book can’t offer bespoke tips for your personal preferences, but it’s still a terrific guide to fill in knowledge gaps or to get the ball rolling for couples who aren’t yet sure how to communicate their needs and wants to a partner. Even those in longstanding relationships, who’ve gone down on each other thousands of times, can learn something new.
Bottom line: all who wish to be more cunning linguists - or who aim to more precisely direct their partners' efforts - have no excuse. Get this book or forever wonder if you’re executing to the standard you’ve hitherto assumed.
Book/Song Pairing: Wild (John Legend, Gary Clark Jr.)
Me: You move fast.
Him: I know what I like.
Apparently, he doesn’t like dates with me because he didn’t get one. My reason? If he jumps the gun on asking me out before even knowing my first name, or my reason for being in his part of Ohio…
he’ll probably jump the gun on everything else, including his own release in the bedroom. And at 45, I’m just not having it.
Speaking of which, the author of this book learned the art of oral sex as a survival mechanism, to compensate for his biological inability to achieve “sixty minute man” status. Honestly, not even six. So, you can say his challenge as an “early ejaculator” gave him a very real stake in the race to demystify the proper eating of fur pie, a pursuit some men and women are too lazy to study unto mastery.
Honestly, everyone needs to read this book. Women, men, and even oldish teens who feel mature - and safe - enough to explore their sexuality. Gay, straight, whatever, we could all learn a thing or two from this book.
The author holds a PhD in literature, which is important to note since he likens this guide to Strunk & White’s Elements of Style. You lit types will understand his comparison connotes the gold standard of beauty & practicality when it comes to the brass tacks of cunnilingus.
Is this book the gold standard for beauty as regards rhythmically applied pressure unto climax? Probably, yes. Though if I’m honest, I’ve only read one other book on the subject, and it was yucky. But in terms of practicality? Definitely, yes.
That’s not to say his instructions are fail-proof because each woman is different. Two small examples:
1. “Make your first lick a slow and tender ice-cream lick from bottom to top. Start at the fourchette and work your way up. Take in the full length of her labia minora and let your tongue rest briefly against her frenulum” (61%).
Yes, please!
2. “During foreplay, avoid direct contact with her genitals for a minimum of ten to fifteen minutes. Stimulate other parts of her body. Let the oxytocin wash over her and pervade her blood stream” (45%).
No, thanks. I’d like my hoo-haw acknowledged within, say, five minutes of (post-make-out) intimate commencement. Not fully addressed, mind you, just… acknowledged as being in the room.
As a wise friend once said to me, “Relationship books are great for people who aren’t actually… communicating with their partners. If you talk, though, you’ll figure out something that works infinitely better for your own unique situation.”
I agree. This book can’t offer bespoke tips for your personal preferences, but it’s still a terrific guide to fill in knowledge gaps or to get the ball rolling for couples who aren’t yet sure how to communicate their needs and wants to a partner. Even those in longstanding relationships, who’ve gone down on each other thousands of times, can learn something new.
Bottom line: all who wish to be more cunning linguists - or who aim to more precisely direct their partners' efforts - have no excuse. Get this book or forever wonder if you’re executing to the standard you’ve hitherto assumed.
Book/Song Pairing: Wild (John Legend, Gary Clark Jr.)
July 14, 2020
She Comes First poses itself as a thinking-man's guide to sex, and especially for men who want to pleasure women. But I'm not convinced this is for thinking people. The author tries too hard to exude intelligence & humor by interspersing references to Strunk & White's The Elements of Style, but that come across a smartass demonstrating their high IQ (similar to this).
The book starts with a very quick gloss over women's sexual anatomy and a brief discussion on foreplay, with a note tossed in that each woman's needs are different. Good?
Not quite, because the remainder of the book seems to focus primarily on pleasuring a woman orally, following a specific recipe, that seems to miss any point that what works for one person may not work for another. What if you're with someone that doesn't enjoy oral sex? Well, if this book is the go-to book for sexytimes, you and your partner are going to be disappointed.
Here's my litany if problems with this book:
First, as I've already pointed out, this book expects that women can only experience an orgasm through oral sex. While I understand that some women do enjoy it, some logic dictates that just because some people enjoy a thing, not everyone enjoys a thing. In this regard, only teaching oral techniques as a method to orgasm is about as dangerous as Freud insisting that a clitoral orgasm is inferior to a vaginal orgasm. It's basically a different dude imposing his desires on women.
Second, this book skirts around communication and consent. Maybe communication isn't a problem if you can't talk, because you're so busy focusing on following a script? Maybe it isn't an issue if you have preconceived notions of what to do? I don't know. Suffice it to say, instead of say, encouraging a couple to talk about their wants and desires, and learning what each partner wants, this book really hits home the that oral sex is the only way.
Third is that men that buy this book take it as truth, and then disappoint their significant others and themselves. All the while Ian Kerner can take your cash to the bank. Bad for you, great for him. I strongly feel that this book is aimed at dude-bros who play that they're interested in someone else's pleasure, but are only feeding their own.
Finally, my biggest problem is the popularity of this book. There are better books available that explain women's sexual anatomy without supposing any particular way that the person in front of you wants to be pleasured.
For other books, try The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips or Women's Anatomy Of Arousal: Secret Maps To Buried Pleasure. Both books contain a deep dive into women's anatomy. They also talk about political or spiritual themes that I feel detract from their main point, but are otherwise sound. Books that discuss communication, or that discuss psychology involved in sex and arousal, such as Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life would also be better.
I gave up about half-way through. Maybe the redeeming parts of this book are later, but if that's the case, Mr Kerner presents the information too little too late.
The book starts with a very quick gloss over women's sexual anatomy and a brief discussion on foreplay, with a note tossed in that each woman's needs are different. Good?
Not quite, because the remainder of the book seems to focus primarily on pleasuring a woman orally, following a specific recipe, that seems to miss any point that what works for one person may not work for another. What if you're with someone that doesn't enjoy oral sex? Well, if this book is the go-to book for sexytimes, you and your partner are going to be disappointed.
Here's my litany if problems with this book:
First, as I've already pointed out, this book expects that women can only experience an orgasm through oral sex. While I understand that some women do enjoy it, some logic dictates that just because some people enjoy a thing, not everyone enjoys a thing. In this regard, only teaching oral techniques as a method to orgasm is about as dangerous as Freud insisting that a clitoral orgasm is inferior to a vaginal orgasm. It's basically a different dude imposing his desires on women.
Second, this book skirts around communication and consent. Maybe communication isn't a problem if you can't talk, because you're so busy focusing on following a script? Maybe it isn't an issue if you have preconceived notions of what to do? I don't know. Suffice it to say, instead of say, encouraging a couple to talk about their wants and desires, and learning what each partner wants, this book really hits home the that oral sex is the only way.
Third is that men that buy this book take it as truth, and then disappoint their significant others and themselves. All the while Ian Kerner can take your cash to the bank. Bad for you, great for him. I strongly feel that this book is aimed at dude-bros who play that they're interested in someone else's pleasure, but are only feeding their own.
Finally, my biggest problem is the popularity of this book. There are better books available that explain women's sexual anatomy without supposing any particular way that the person in front of you wants to be pleasured.
For other books, try The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips or Women's Anatomy Of Arousal: Secret Maps To Buried Pleasure. Both books contain a deep dive into women's anatomy. They also talk about political or spiritual themes that I feel detract from their main point, but are otherwise sound. Books that discuss communication, or that discuss psychology involved in sex and arousal, such as Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life would also be better.
I gave up about half-way through. Maybe the redeeming parts of this book are later, but if that's the case, Mr Kerner presents the information too little too late.
June 12, 2023
Content warning for NSFW language and extremely (and I mean extremely detailed) descriptions of oral sex.
UPDATE: Good god, you wouldn't believe the amount of creepy messages I've received about this review. No, I will not be available to give you sex tips because I wrote a review about a book on sex tips. No, I am not interested in personal conversation about my sex life. Please stop being creepy about this towards me, or I'll have to delete the entire thing.
This is a manual on performing cunnilingus on women written for men. And it is just bonkers.
As the title suggests, it's about prioritizing a woman's pleasure for the hetero men who struggle with that, so, points to the author for trying to do a good thing. It's very much meeting m/f couples where they are, if sex to them is 2.5 minutes of thrusting in the dark that ends with a man's orgasm. And before I poke a bit of fun at some of the advice, I want to specify that my intention here is not to make the perfect the enemy of the good. The book consistently de-prioritizes PIV sex as the end-goal of intimacy, and instead focuses on oral sex as a main event, with the sole purpose of bringing women pleasure. This is a very positive thing, and is actually pretty radical, especially for a book published 17 years ago. I’m sure it’s done a lot of good for hetero couples in de-centering penetration as what sex consists of, and instead centering mutual pleasure as what sex is actually about. But its paradigm is of a one-size fits-all approach to oral sex, its instructions delivering several pre-planned and timed oral sex routines of varying complexity. Which is the central problem with the book. It conceptualizes oral sex as enacted on a passive, nonverbal woman. And it portrays oral as a one-size-fits-all routine a man deploys as a sign of his sexual prowess, rather than something specific he does to please one woman in response to what she likes.
But before we dive into all that, let’s start with the ludicrous aspect of the advice. What music should you play during oral sex? How about Ravel's Bolero? Or Whale singing? This is not a joke. These are two of the actual recommendations. WHALE SINGING. Can you imagine? Also, Bolero is now hilariously ruined for me, as it’s forever going to conjure images of the ideal soundtrack to She Comes First. Which beverage best accompanies the taste of a woman's vulva? Wine, of course. Specifically, Viognier. “[…]pick up a good bottle of Viognier from the Condrieu region in France; it possesses a rich perfume that’s redolent of apricot, peaches, and honey, and, when combined with the sweet nectar of her vulva, is the closest you’ll ever come to tasting ambrosia, the food of the gods.”
The sweet nectar of her vulva!! I also like how he feels the need to explain what ambrosia is to us plebs. I can just imagine a man rolling up to a woman’s apartment in 2005 for a third date, a chilled bottle of viognier in his hands, mansplaining these vulval tasting notes to her while being extremely proud of himself. How many bathroom texts did women send their besties in 2005, like, “I dunno, this one’s a bit creepy. He has this thing about viognier and the taste of pussy? I’m kind of freaked out? Maybe call me later to make sure he wasn’t an axe murderer?”
We’re not done here. How should you structure your oral sex session? Consult Aristotle's Poetics, of course. I, too, have read the Poetics. I am only disappointed? That seems like the wrong word? Maybe disappointed in a schadenfreude type of way, that the author did not use this opportunity to work in some hamfisted congruence between orgasm and Aristotelian catharsis or expound on feminist-friendly porn and theatrical mimesis. I am woman: behold me out-wanking the author over Poetics references.
As these examples show, this reading experience is a disconcerting mishmash of pretentiousness and hokey wordplay ("coreplay" is the author’s punny way of designating oral sex that isn't "foreplay," ugh). The book’s concept, aside from making tedious comparisons to the Elements of Style, as in, the writing guide, is to develop these oral sex "routines." They involve a template of set, timed moves that are supposed to universally work for every woman. Things like "two minutes of your tongue performing long vertical licks, with every fifth lick being horizontal." She is supposed to come on command after the finishing move like this is a set of videogame instructions (no insult intended to the gamers in the room). As if women don't want different things when it comes to getting off. There’s some concession to "listen to what she wants," and "see what works," but the whole template idea very much fights that by choreographing the event like a dance routine. There’s no recourse to, “after this stage, check in with her and ask her what felt best, then do that for a bit.”
The idea of checking in with your partner, responding to her feedback, and modifying what you’re doing is not at all part of the process in the template. And I will acknowledge that there are some general pieces of advice that counter this. The man is told to ask the woman if he can watch her masturbate to see what she does, and he’s told to tell her that he wants her feedback. But everything about the flow of the templates undermines this. This book is incredibly step-by-step in its advice, often highly repetitively, with the relevant parts of template 1 copy-pasted word-for-word into template 2. So, if “communication during the act” and “learn from what she likes specifically” were a significant part of the process, they ought to have been included in the routines explicitly.
The main assumption book, which is a bit toxic to both men and women, is the paradigm of a dominant man who’s going wrest orgasms out of a woman who’s mostly lying there passively, not directing the action, who doesn’t speak words to communicate what she wants. The emphasis is upon looking for non-verbal signs of arousal, things like darkened labia and rapid breathing and wetness, escalating stimulation until the woman produces these signifiers. When, I mean, receiving oral doesn’t make you mute? “Just like that?” or “try this” or “harder” or “lighter” are all things you can say? The book’s lack of ongoing verbal consent is most problematic when it comes to ass-play. It is not sufficient for a man to, as the book directs him, indicate with exploratory touches that he is heading there, before he sticks a finger up her ass. Here is what the text actually says: “If it’s your first time [doing anal penetration], tease the general environs a bit with your finger and be sure to give her clear physical cues that you’re ‘approaching and entering.’” Just NO. That is a QUESTION you ask the person who gives you CONSENT for that. It’s not your power sex move you spring on her unannounced that’ll thrill her with the surprise of being unexpectedly anally penetrated, because there’s a difference between touching that area and entering that area.
I’d say verbal consent should apply even for penetrating a vagina with one’s fingers, and hopefully that’s pretty standard these days. Maybe she doesn’t want your fingers, bud! Maybe the external touching is doing it for her. But of course, a default inserting fingers stage is like step 4 of template 2 or whatever, no consent asked for.
Even when the author recommends letting the woman take control of the action - temporarily, of course! We can’t let go of the paradigm of the man in control. The intention for a woman riding a man’s tongue is for the man to "wear her out." Like, heaven forbid it would be pleasurable or enjoyable for her, or them both, for her to be in control. It has to be conveyed with this gross attitude of ‘let her think she’s really doing something.’ The metaphor used is a boxing match, where the man is going to "rope-a-dope her" by letting her tire herself out with blows so he can pummel an orgasm from her with his tongue when she’s exhausted herself. Oh my God, what on Earth. I guess Dworkin was right, and hetero sex really IS inherently an act violence after all. (/s)
I do recognize this is a seventeen-year-old book whose common assumptions do not quite reflect our current times. Even so, I think its assumptions about sexual techniques gained through sex research are still prevalent enough to comment upon. In this book, SCIENCE is often used to declare that when it comes to pleasuring women, some things will work, while other commonly given advice won’t. The book states, accurately, that the clitoris, with its large internal structure surrounding the vagina, is far more sensitive than many places within the vagina. But the book uses Kinsey’s research to declare that the insides of women’s vaginas past the clitoral cuff aren’t really that sensitive, so don’t use penile penetration to get her off, ever. But then it also re-labels the G-spot as “the clitoral cluster” that you stimulate with only your fingers because they can target it more easily than a penis. However, some women like penetrative sex for getting off, not in the least because it’s easier to move responsively, taking some control without hurting themselves against harder objects like fingers. Why dismiss something if it works for a particular woman? While countering the coital imperative is a positive thing, sweeping advice about what gets women off and what doesn’t as commonly get women off replaces one set of over-constraining sexual assumptions with another.
Finally, the routines themselves, the kinds of touches in them, at the suggested intensity and pacing, will only work on women who can bear to have their clitoris directly touched, and who like moderate to aggressive stimulation at a typically rapid pace for ten minutes at a time or more. Some women don’t like that kind of intense touching for that duration, and it simply doesn’t work for them. They could subject themselves to the whole orgasm routine while experiencing only an escalation of numbing sensation in response to overstimulation, being actually further away from orgasm at the finale than at the start. On some women, almost every single move recommended will be too much and too hard and therefore will not work. There should be a far more varied range of intensity within the recommended techniques, including adjacent-area touches that don’t have to escalate to direct ones, as well as whisper-light direct touches that aren’t fast-paced, with the focus on finding out what feels good, not presuming a set of assumptions about what will feel good. Overall, the emphasis should be on discovering what actually works for that woman individually without the template.
UPDATE: Good god, you wouldn't believe the amount of creepy messages I've received about this review. No, I will not be available to give you sex tips because I wrote a review about a book on sex tips. No, I am not interested in personal conversation about my sex life. Please stop being creepy about this towards me, or I'll have to delete the entire thing.
This is a manual on performing cunnilingus on women written for men. And it is just bonkers.
As the title suggests, it's about prioritizing a woman's pleasure for the hetero men who struggle with that, so, points to the author for trying to do a good thing. It's very much meeting m/f couples where they are, if sex to them is 2.5 minutes of thrusting in the dark that ends with a man's orgasm. And before I poke a bit of fun at some of the advice, I want to specify that my intention here is not to make the perfect the enemy of the good. The book consistently de-prioritizes PIV sex as the end-goal of intimacy, and instead focuses on oral sex as a main event, with the sole purpose of bringing women pleasure. This is a very positive thing, and is actually pretty radical, especially for a book published 17 years ago. I’m sure it’s done a lot of good for hetero couples in de-centering penetration as what sex consists of, and instead centering mutual pleasure as what sex is actually about. But its paradigm is of a one-size fits-all approach to oral sex, its instructions delivering several pre-planned and timed oral sex routines of varying complexity. Which is the central problem with the book. It conceptualizes oral sex as enacted on a passive, nonverbal woman. And it portrays oral as a one-size-fits-all routine a man deploys as a sign of his sexual prowess, rather than something specific he does to please one woman in response to what she likes.
But before we dive into all that, let’s start with the ludicrous aspect of the advice. What music should you play during oral sex? How about Ravel's Bolero? Or Whale singing? This is not a joke. These are two of the actual recommendations. WHALE SINGING. Can you imagine? Also, Bolero is now hilariously ruined for me, as it’s forever going to conjure images of the ideal soundtrack to She Comes First. Which beverage best accompanies the taste of a woman's vulva? Wine, of course. Specifically, Viognier. “[…]pick up a good bottle of Viognier from the Condrieu region in France; it possesses a rich perfume that’s redolent of apricot, peaches, and honey, and, when combined with the sweet nectar of her vulva, is the closest you’ll ever come to tasting ambrosia, the food of the gods.”
The sweet nectar of her vulva!! I also like how he feels the need to explain what ambrosia is to us plebs. I can just imagine a man rolling up to a woman’s apartment in 2005 for a third date, a chilled bottle of viognier in his hands, mansplaining these vulval tasting notes to her while being extremely proud of himself. How many bathroom texts did women send their besties in 2005, like, “I dunno, this one’s a bit creepy. He has this thing about viognier and the taste of pussy? I’m kind of freaked out? Maybe call me later to make sure he wasn’t an axe murderer?”
We’re not done here. How should you structure your oral sex session? Consult Aristotle's Poetics, of course. I, too, have read the Poetics. I am only disappointed? That seems like the wrong word? Maybe disappointed in a schadenfreude type of way, that the author did not use this opportunity to work in some hamfisted congruence between orgasm and Aristotelian catharsis or expound on feminist-friendly porn and theatrical mimesis. I am woman: behold me out-wanking the author over Poetics references.
As these examples show, this reading experience is a disconcerting mishmash of pretentiousness and hokey wordplay ("coreplay" is the author’s punny way of designating oral sex that isn't "foreplay," ugh). The book’s concept, aside from making tedious comparisons to the Elements of Style, as in, the writing guide, is to develop these oral sex "routines." They involve a template of set, timed moves that are supposed to universally work for every woman. Things like "two minutes of your tongue performing long vertical licks, with every fifth lick being horizontal." She is supposed to come on command after the finishing move like this is a set of videogame instructions (no insult intended to the gamers in the room). As if women don't want different things when it comes to getting off. There’s some concession to "listen to what she wants," and "see what works," but the whole template idea very much fights that by choreographing the event like a dance routine. There’s no recourse to, “after this stage, check in with her and ask her what felt best, then do that for a bit.”
The idea of checking in with your partner, responding to her feedback, and modifying what you’re doing is not at all part of the process in the template. And I will acknowledge that there are some general pieces of advice that counter this. The man is told to ask the woman if he can watch her masturbate to see what she does, and he’s told to tell her that he wants her feedback. But everything about the flow of the templates undermines this. This book is incredibly step-by-step in its advice, often highly repetitively, with the relevant parts of template 1 copy-pasted word-for-word into template 2. So, if “communication during the act” and “learn from what she likes specifically” were a significant part of the process, they ought to have been included in the routines explicitly.
The main assumption book, which is a bit toxic to both men and women, is the paradigm of a dominant man who’s going wrest orgasms out of a woman who’s mostly lying there passively, not directing the action, who doesn’t speak words to communicate what she wants. The emphasis is upon looking for non-verbal signs of arousal, things like darkened labia and rapid breathing and wetness, escalating stimulation until the woman produces these signifiers. When, I mean, receiving oral doesn’t make you mute? “Just like that?” or “try this” or “harder” or “lighter” are all things you can say? The book’s lack of ongoing verbal consent is most problematic when it comes to ass-play. It is not sufficient for a man to, as the book directs him, indicate with exploratory touches that he is heading there, before he sticks a finger up her ass. Here is what the text actually says: “If it’s your first time [doing anal penetration], tease the general environs a bit with your finger and be sure to give her clear physical cues that you’re ‘approaching and entering.’” Just NO. That is a QUESTION you ask the person who gives you CONSENT for that. It’s not your power sex move you spring on her unannounced that’ll thrill her with the surprise of being unexpectedly anally penetrated, because there’s a difference between touching that area and entering that area.
I’d say verbal consent should apply even for penetrating a vagina with one’s fingers, and hopefully that’s pretty standard these days. Maybe she doesn’t want your fingers, bud! Maybe the external touching is doing it for her. But of course, a default inserting fingers stage is like step 4 of template 2 or whatever, no consent asked for.
Even when the author recommends letting the woman take control of the action - temporarily, of course! We can’t let go of the paradigm of the man in control. The intention for a woman riding a man’s tongue is for the man to "wear her out." Like, heaven forbid it would be pleasurable or enjoyable for her, or them both, for her to be in control. It has to be conveyed with this gross attitude of ‘let her think she’s really doing something.’ The metaphor used is a boxing match, where the man is going to "rope-a-dope her" by letting her tire herself out with blows so he can pummel an orgasm from her with his tongue when she’s exhausted herself. Oh my God, what on Earth. I guess Dworkin was right, and hetero sex really IS inherently an act violence after all. (/s)
I do recognize this is a seventeen-year-old book whose common assumptions do not quite reflect our current times. Even so, I think its assumptions about sexual techniques gained through sex research are still prevalent enough to comment upon. In this book, SCIENCE is often used to declare that when it comes to pleasuring women, some things will work, while other commonly given advice won’t. The book states, accurately, that the clitoris, with its large internal structure surrounding the vagina, is far more sensitive than many places within the vagina. But the book uses Kinsey’s research to declare that the insides of women’s vaginas past the clitoral cuff aren’t really that sensitive, so don’t use penile penetration to get her off, ever. But then it also re-labels the G-spot as “the clitoral cluster” that you stimulate with only your fingers because they can target it more easily than a penis. However, some women like penetrative sex for getting off, not in the least because it’s easier to move responsively, taking some control without hurting themselves against harder objects like fingers. Why dismiss something if it works for a particular woman? While countering the coital imperative is a positive thing, sweeping advice about what gets women off and what doesn’t as commonly get women off replaces one set of over-constraining sexual assumptions with another.
Finally, the routines themselves, the kinds of touches in them, at the suggested intensity and pacing, will only work on women who can bear to have their clitoris directly touched, and who like moderate to aggressive stimulation at a typically rapid pace for ten minutes at a time or more. Some women don’t like that kind of intense touching for that duration, and it simply doesn’t work for them. They could subject themselves to the whole orgasm routine while experiencing only an escalation of numbing sensation in response to overstimulation, being actually further away from orgasm at the finale than at the start. On some women, almost every single move recommended will be too much and too hard and therefore will not work. There should be a far more varied range of intensity within the recommended techniques, including adjacent-area touches that don’t have to escalate to direct ones, as well as whisper-light direct touches that aren’t fast-paced, with the focus on finding out what feels good, not presuming a set of assumptions about what will feel good. Overall, the emphasis should be on discovering what actually works for that woman individually without the template.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 27, 2021
When I first saw this book, I thought, Oh good a refresher course. Not quite. It is a comprehensive study that starts with the equivalent of 2 + 2 and ends up in advanced post graduate work in matrix algebra. If one takes this to heart, he (or she) would be a prize winning master.
Kerner provides a philosophy for this craft...the prominent idea being that the act should be practiced as indeed a complete performance unto itself and not merely a preparatory service. This redefines a skill set to an art form. In this art form the man receives as much pleasure from performance of the art as the woman experiences receiving it. The experience of pleasure is the key, not the usual goal oriented explosive ending. The author stated in one interview: “but most men just don’t know how to do it.” Women complain that “it’s like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. It’s like a stampede ... and I just want to get out of the way."
So a good bit of Kerner's philosophy revolves around the idea of taking it slow and gentle but remaining attentive to the task at hand and adjusting the intensity of the delivery to her passion. Take your time, build tension slowly and enjoy the experience as art...to me a Soul fulfilling art. I would have enjoyed more on the philosophical and perhaps biochemical aspects of the art.
Kerner gives the basic geography lessons and then proceeds into an extremely in-depth and detailed methodology of the science and practice of this art. So detailed that it actually struck me a bit humorous. It becomes something of a gold medal seeking Olympic sport. I love art and philosophy but sports leave me cold. It almost approaches a ludicrous level where one would be tempted to equip oneself with an anatomy book, drafting set, metronome, stop watch, and quite possibly a trained coach with a laser pointer and a bull horn. The dexterity required for some of the advanced maneuvers would be like playing Swanee River on a harmonica while thundering out Bartok’s Piano Concerto # 2 on a Steinway grand piano. He even includes a “Routine Template” at the end of the book that one can Xerox and record a history and create new routines.
I depart company with Kerner on a few issues. One is basic nomenclature. A carburetor may have 18 parts but not all 18 of them are called the throttle plate. Yes the throttle system may be larger than than previously thought, but it is not every structure within the geographical area of a throttle plate, just because you like the fact that the throttle plate controls how the engine goes varoooom varoooom. I can see possible 5 or 6 structures but 18? I think that serves to confuse the issue or at least exaggerate the structure in question.
My second objection is personal. While I may approach the high southern latitudes, I remain firmly a few degrees ventral of the south pole. There are definite hazards which I believe are best avoided. Again personal, but sloppy technique can result in problems.
The last issue as I hinted before is that I think he overemphasizes methodology. Most people are happy to bowl a 150 to 200 game. Nobody but a pro expects to have a 300 game. Most golfers don’t swing par. But the emphasis on methodology, the do this 5 counts, pause 5 seconds, east west swipe, southern rest, comes off with all the grace of a military marching band. We are not working for a Nobel prize here. There is too much emphasis on specific methods. Even though the author states repeatedly that one should not to be goal orientated, this over emphasis on specific steps and routines becomes extremely goal orientated.
My advice is to take the philosophical elements of this book earnestly. Go slow, go gentle, build tension, back off, build tension again, remain focused, become more forceful as required but only at her behest, and enjoy this experience, become drunk with it. Play the harmonica and maybe plink out chopsticks. Forget about Bartok...it is too technical and too demanding. Enjoy the experience for the pleasure that you will both derive and avoid the performance anxiety of too many specific steps, methods, and timings. Regardless of what one does, if he is gentle when needed, attentive, not in a hurry, and follows her cues, success is almost guaranteed. Despite the over emphasis on method and techniques, I recommend this book to everyone--both genders. The art is the great equalizer between the asymmetry of the human sexual response and it is one of the deepest forms of intimacy a couple can experience.
Kerner provides a philosophy for this craft...the prominent idea being that the act should be practiced as indeed a complete performance unto itself and not merely a preparatory service. This redefines a skill set to an art form. In this art form the man receives as much pleasure from performance of the art as the woman experiences receiving it. The experience of pleasure is the key, not the usual goal oriented explosive ending. The author stated in one interview: “but most men just don’t know how to do it.” Women complain that “it’s like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. It’s like a stampede ... and I just want to get out of the way."
So a good bit of Kerner's philosophy revolves around the idea of taking it slow and gentle but remaining attentive to the task at hand and adjusting the intensity of the delivery to her passion. Take your time, build tension slowly and enjoy the experience as art...to me a Soul fulfilling art. I would have enjoyed more on the philosophical and perhaps biochemical aspects of the art.
Kerner gives the basic geography lessons and then proceeds into an extremely in-depth and detailed methodology of the science and practice of this art. So detailed that it actually struck me a bit humorous. It becomes something of a gold medal seeking Olympic sport. I love art and philosophy but sports leave me cold. It almost approaches a ludicrous level where one would be tempted to equip oneself with an anatomy book, drafting set, metronome, stop watch, and quite possibly a trained coach with a laser pointer and a bull horn. The dexterity required for some of the advanced maneuvers would be like playing Swanee River on a harmonica while thundering out Bartok’s Piano Concerto # 2 on a Steinway grand piano. He even includes a “Routine Template” at the end of the book that one can Xerox and record a history and create new routines.
I depart company with Kerner on a few issues. One is basic nomenclature. A carburetor may have 18 parts but not all 18 of them are called the throttle plate. Yes the throttle system may be larger than than previously thought, but it is not every structure within the geographical area of a throttle plate, just because you like the fact that the throttle plate controls how the engine goes varoooom varoooom. I can see possible 5 or 6 structures but 18? I think that serves to confuse the issue or at least exaggerate the structure in question.
My second objection is personal. While I may approach the high southern latitudes, I remain firmly a few degrees ventral of the south pole. There are definite hazards which I believe are best avoided. Again personal, but sloppy technique can result in problems.
The last issue as I hinted before is that I think he overemphasizes methodology. Most people are happy to bowl a 150 to 200 game. Nobody but a pro expects to have a 300 game. Most golfers don’t swing par. But the emphasis on methodology, the do this 5 counts, pause 5 seconds, east west swipe, southern rest, comes off with all the grace of a military marching band. We are not working for a Nobel prize here. There is too much emphasis on specific methods. Even though the author states repeatedly that one should not to be goal orientated, this over emphasis on specific steps and routines becomes extremely goal orientated.
My advice is to take the philosophical elements of this book earnestly. Go slow, go gentle, build tension, back off, build tension again, remain focused, become more forceful as required but only at her behest, and enjoy this experience, become drunk with it. Play the harmonica and maybe plink out chopsticks. Forget about Bartok...it is too technical and too demanding. Enjoy the experience for the pleasure that you will both derive and avoid the performance anxiety of too many specific steps, methods, and timings. Regardless of what one does, if he is gentle when needed, attentive, not in a hurry, and follows her cues, success is almost guaranteed. Despite the over emphasis on method and techniques, I recommend this book to everyone--both genders. The art is the great equalizer between the asymmetry of the human sexual response and it is one of the deepest forms of intimacy a couple can experience.
April 19, 2013
The author's enthusiasm for both pussy and prose is admirable and something that's not seen enough publicly. As a word nerd myself, however, I felt that his references to grammar and writing were really overdone at times. The purpose of metaphor is clarity, but his felt more like they existed for charm and forced theme.
That said, his intent and teaching when it comes to the oral pleasures of a woman were well done and nothing if not succinct (chapters were almost always fewer than five pages), making it a quick and easy read. I was disappointed, however, in the very, very small amount of attention paid to the concept of multiple orgasms (a part of moreplay, as he insists on calling it in his self-helpy way). Unlike the detailed instructions provided for an initial orgasm, there's almost nothing about facilitating a second orgasm after the first, which is a different art.
Lastly, the idea of oral sex on my period with a tampon does little to turn me on; he should definitely learn the wonders of products like Soft Cup as an easier period work around.
Despite the short comings (pun intended), this is probably a pretty solid read for most people new to cunnilingus.
That said, his intent and teaching when it comes to the oral pleasures of a woman were well done and nothing if not succinct (chapters were almost always fewer than five pages), making it a quick and easy read. I was disappointed, however, in the very, very small amount of attention paid to the concept of multiple orgasms (a part of moreplay, as he insists on calling it in his self-helpy way). Unlike the detailed instructions provided for an initial orgasm, there's almost nothing about facilitating a second orgasm after the first, which is a different art.
Lastly, the idea of oral sex on my period with a tampon does little to turn me on; he should definitely learn the wonders of products like Soft Cup as an easier period work around.
Despite the short comings (pun intended), this is probably a pretty solid read for most people new to cunnilingus.
April 3, 2007
I picked up this book as a way to prove to myself that there are, in fact, men in the world who care about a woman's enjoyment as much--if not more so--than their own. Ian Kerner seems just the man--having just read his Be Honest: You're Not That Into Him Either, and having dealt recently with a number of incompetant men, I was addicted to his genuinely uplifting take on the romantic/sexual/physiological relationhip between men and women--he really does give me hope.
That said, this book isn't great because of technical advice (though, to be honest, I haven't gotten to that part yet and am not terribly interested) but because of his methods of comparing pleasuring a woman to--get this-- The Elements of Style . Yes, really.
Embarrassing diagrams (at least during train-reading) aside, I'm so happy that a man would care enough about how we work that he'd devote a book to the topic. (There are also interesting tidbits about Empress Wu Hu who--no joke--required foreign diplomats to go down on her before she'd meet with them and discuss politics.)
I love the way he challenges Freud, quotes Kinsey, and strikes a tone that's respectful of the stress the "women who do not enjoy penetration are frigid" myth caused while also mocking its absurdity.
Its spunky papaya cover makes it an excellent accessory to any bedroom--something to keep on display when somewhat less englightened men are heading over.
A thoroughly enjoyable read.
That said, this book isn't great because of technical advice (though, to be honest, I haven't gotten to that part yet and am not terribly interested) but because of his methods of comparing pleasuring a woman to--get this-- The Elements of Style . Yes, really.
Embarrassing diagrams (at least during train-reading) aside, I'm so happy that a man would care enough about how we work that he'd devote a book to the topic. (There are also interesting tidbits about Empress Wu Hu who--no joke--required foreign diplomats to go down on her before she'd meet with them and discuss politics.)
I love the way he challenges Freud, quotes Kinsey, and strikes a tone that's respectful of the stress the "women who do not enjoy penetration are frigid" myth caused while also mocking its absurdity.
Its spunky papaya cover makes it an excellent accessory to any bedroom--something to keep on display when somewhat less englightened men are heading over.
A thoroughly enjoyable read.
April 26, 2008
Obviously I’m not in the target audience for this title, but I was curious anyway. Besides, a woman can’t get what she wants if she doesn’t know what to ask for.
The text is surprisingly entertaining for a self-helper, and the author keeps things light with a lot of creative euphemism (“lunch at the Y”) and deliberately over-the-top, tongue-in-cheek hyperbole (“Once her orgasm was but a distant and faraway destination in your journey down the road of arousal. Now the contours of her skyline are plainly in view, the throbbing pulse of Main Street tangible. You’ve just entered the city limits. Welcome to Orgasmopolis!”).
What I especially love about this book more than anything else is how the sex researcher who wrote it was once an English major. To this day, he’s still totally enamored of Strunk and White’s Elements of Style and directly modelled and structured She Comes First after that manual. Not only that, but he consistently throughout the book uses grammar rules as metaphors during his cunnilingus instructions. I wish to God I’d already read this before I had to take Magazine Editing in college with the Dreaded Prof. Ranly; some immature sniggering behind my hand might’ve made that torture go by a little faster.
The text is surprisingly entertaining for a self-helper, and the author keeps things light with a lot of creative euphemism (“lunch at the Y”) and deliberately over-the-top, tongue-in-cheek hyperbole (“Once her orgasm was but a distant and faraway destination in your journey down the road of arousal. Now the contours of her skyline are plainly in view, the throbbing pulse of Main Street tangible. You’ve just entered the city limits. Welcome to Orgasmopolis!”).
What I especially love about this book more than anything else is how the sex researcher who wrote it was once an English major. To this day, he’s still totally enamored of Strunk and White’s Elements of Style and directly modelled and structured She Comes First after that manual. Not only that, but he consistently throughout the book uses grammar rules as metaphors during his cunnilingus instructions. I wish to God I’d already read this before I had to take Magazine Editing in college with the Dreaded Prof. Ranly; some immature sniggering behind my hand might’ve made that torture go by a little faster.
August 24, 2011
The first third of this book is a good, thoughtful (even insightful) work of non-fiction providing an excellent summary of the female sexual arousal cycle, very detailed synopsis of human female anatomy and sexual physiology. There is a fair discussion of the impact of social norms and gender roles on heterosexual sex. Factually, this work starts strong, though the author's assertion regarding the declining protective utility of barriers for STD prevention with increased number of partners seems to run counter the literature I've read. But then . . . it turns a corner and devolves into a manifesto for a very narrowly conceptualized and systematic form of cunnilingus. What began as a good bit of non-fiction on a tender aspect of the human experience became a pedantic, overly detailed spew of sexual “self-help.” It would have made a good article, but was made a novel instead. If an author uses the term “as described earlier in the book” more than a few times, he’s stretching to hit his publisher’s word count expectations. The first portion of the book gets 4 stars (and might be worth checking out from the library), the later gets 2 (don’t spend money on this book).
June 29, 2021
You can learn more by asking to your partner(s) what do they like.
I'm not saying you can't learn anything from this book, it actually has a couple of useful things. How it explains the whole anatomy of the vulva was really the best part, even though, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. I would better recommend to look for an updated vulva anatomy book and to stablish a healthy communication with your partner.
One of the main problems I found was the narration, the exaggerated romanticization comes as creepy all along the book and if you listen to the audiobook it's even worse. It was torture to listen to it till the end. Also what about non romantic sex? At times it feels as if the author implies that you can only have good cunnilingus with an established partner and if you make love instead of only have sex.
The book feels too male centered. Have you ever listen to one of those guys who give advice with out asking, about how to make love to a woman the right way? It feels exactly like that.
Save your time and put your insecurities aside and just start having conversations with your partner about what does she like.
The book says a couple of things about every woman being different but then it gives very specific instructions on how to give oral sex. There's is not a correct or incorrect way about how to give oral sex, it's all about paying attention and listening to the other person. Just stick to the first statement "every woman is different".
Even if we (men) can get a couple of useful things from this book I'm more worried about how easy would be for some men to think they know more about cunnilingus than women and how easily they could get confused thinking it's just about learning a set of movements and some sequences to be good at it. It looks like a train heading to disaster.
In conclusion, save your money, there are much better books out there.
I'm not saying you can't learn anything from this book, it actually has a couple of useful things. How it explains the whole anatomy of the vulva was really the best part, even though, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. I would better recommend to look for an updated vulva anatomy book and to stablish a healthy communication with your partner.
One of the main problems I found was the narration, the exaggerated romanticization comes as creepy all along the book and if you listen to the audiobook it's even worse. It was torture to listen to it till the end. Also what about non romantic sex? At times it feels as if the author implies that you can only have good cunnilingus with an established partner and if you make love instead of only have sex.
The book feels too male centered. Have you ever listen to one of those guys who give advice with out asking, about how to make love to a woman the right way? It feels exactly like that.
Save your time and put your insecurities aside and just start having conversations with your partner about what does she like.
The book says a couple of things about every woman being different but then it gives very specific instructions on how to give oral sex. There's is not a correct or incorrect way about how to give oral sex, it's all about paying attention and listening to the other person. Just stick to the first statement "every woman is different".
Even if we (men) can get a couple of useful things from this book I'm more worried about how easy would be for some men to think they know more about cunnilingus than women and how easily they could get confused thinking it's just about learning a set of movements and some sequences to be good at it. It looks like a train heading to disaster.
In conclusion, save your money, there are much better books out there.
September 13, 2019
Coming from a very conservative background and living in conservative Russia, it's tough for me even to admit that I have read this book. Posting a review here and publicly talking about sex is like bat-shit crazy for me. So don't judge me harshly and let's make it a good therapy :)
In general, that's an ok manual. It focuses one activity only: cunnilingus, and I wouldn't say the author has a strong case for being this laser-focused. Also, with his writing style it was hard for me to see the boundaries between science and his opinion. However, he seems really invested in the topic. And I learned enough here. 'Come as you are' is a better book on sexuality, though.
Pros
* It's a guide. It's practical. It's about oral sex only, though.
* It has an anatomy 101.
* It's easy to read and understand. I appreciated illustration style, too.
* Also, it has this 'exploration' & 'pleasure' vibe about sex which is nice. (I'm looking at you, my post-soviet upbringing, you weren't that nice.)
Cons
* The writing style and author's puns are not my cup of tea. I was able to survive them, but not to enjoy them.
* I would say it's too detailed and not structured well-enough to be a great guide. Seems more like auteur's detailed experience recap than an actual guide. Like he gives an exact lick count at some point. Weird.
* It's still oral sex only. And kinda mechanical in am essence.
Recap
* Masturbation & oral sex are more likely to get a woman to an orgasm vs intercourse.
* Cunnilingus can drive anxiety and insecurities up for women.
* Women's sexuality response is different and they need more time to reach orgasm (15+ minutes) and foreplay helps a lot.
In general, that's an ok manual. It focuses one activity only: cunnilingus, and I wouldn't say the author has a strong case for being this laser-focused. Also, with his writing style it was hard for me to see the boundaries between science and his opinion. However, he seems really invested in the topic. And I learned enough here. 'Come as you are' is a better book on sexuality, though.
Pros
* It's a guide. It's practical. It's about oral sex only, though.
* It has an anatomy 101.
* It's easy to read and understand. I appreciated illustration style, too.
* Also, it has this 'exploration' & 'pleasure' vibe about sex which is nice. (I'm looking at you, my post-soviet upbringing, you weren't that nice.)
Cons
* The writing style and author's puns are not my cup of tea. I was able to survive them, but not to enjoy them.
So whether you’re just starting down the path of a cliterary life, or are already a bona fide member of the cliterati, get ready to learn the rules of grammar and to deploy them with style.
* I would say it's too detailed and not structured well-enough to be a great guide. Seems more like auteur's detailed experience recap than an actual guide. Like he gives an exact lick count at some point. Weird.
* It's still oral sex only. And kinda mechanical in am essence.
Recap
• The stimulation of ten key hot spots: clitoral head and hood; mons pubis; clitoral cluster; front commissure and clitoral shaft; frenulum; labia minora; vaginal entrance; the fourchette perineum; the anus
• Over the course of six key stages: the first kiss; establishing rhythm; developing tension; escalation; preorgasm; orgasm
• Using three main “actors”: tongue; fingers; hands
• And a variety of ‘supporting actors’: gums, penis (optional), sex toys and restraints (also optional).
* Masturbation & oral sex are more likely to get a woman to an orgasm vs intercourse.
* Cunnilingus can drive anxiety and insecurities up for women.
* Women's sexuality response is different and they need more time to reach orgasm (15+ minutes) and foreplay helps a lot.
The difference between how men and women experience the resolution phase is what I call the “snuggle gap”: women want more interaction; men want to roll over and go to sleep.
November 8, 2021
A book I'll give my daughters when they're old enough to empower them in their sex life. This book confirms that indeed what you want is real and here's why. Here's what he should do and you can definitely ask him for this. And if he doesn't know how, here's what he should read.
February 4, 2019
Very good source for oral sex, but there were far too many page fillers. Could have been a lot shorter.
on-hold
October 2, 2019Notes in progress:
~
Viz:
~ Despite my literary reservations, I can't help sympathizing with someone capable of such self-irony:
~ Heads of my men friends, are you often in conflict? Unite!
~ Hear, hear:
~ Although my issues with "try for try's sake" are mostly emotional, these numbers are interesting too:
~ From the Cunnilinguist's Manifesto:
~ Hah! Some advice we Goodreaders are bound to appreciate:
~
But as with any language, in order to express yourself fluently, in order to make your subject sing and soar, you must be thoroughly acquainted with the rules of grammar and style. One of my favorite books on the subject is the indispensable classic Elements of Style. (...)
Elements of Style exhorted readers to “write boldly and make definite assertions.”
Viz:
Taken as a whole, She Comes First represents the most thorough treatment of the art of cunnilingus currently available, and will not only teach you everything you need to know in order to master the grammar of oral sex, but will also answer any questions you might have along the way.
By the time you finish this book, you’ll not only be thinking about sex from a new perspective, but there will also be nothing you won’t know about how to lead a woman to orgasm with your tongue time and time again.
~ Despite my literary reservations, I can't help sympathizing with someone capable of such self-irony:
My own education as a “cunnilinguist” began with sexual dysfunction—a long-drawn-out battle with premature ejaculation (PE). I was hopeless, pathetic. Just the sight of a woman’s naked body could make me lose control, and foreplay quickly led to end of play. In the language of love, I couldn’t get past the first syllable. I was sure that on my gravestone, my epitaph would read, “He came. He saw. And then he came again.”
~ Heads of my men friends, are you often in conflict? Unite!
Men often joke of having two heads, the big and the little, and of their frequent battles with each other. However, during cunnilingus, if you trust the moment and let yourself go, you enter a zone where both your heads are united in a process of arousal that is synchronized with hers. You become one with yourself and her.
~ Hear, hear:
The difference between how and men and women experience the resolution phase is what I call the “snuggle gap”: women want more interaction; men want to roll over and go to sleep. While much literature has been devoted to the “insensitivity” of men and the “neediness” of women in this respect, it’s far more effective to understand that the snuggle gap is largely the result of biology (men crash quickly after sex, women come down slowly), so don’t overanalyze, or get angry and pick a fight; instead, respect each other’s differences and compromise: fall asleep while holding her in your arms.
~ Although my issues with "try for try's sake" are mostly emotional, these numbers are interesting too:
If a man has two to four sexual partners in his lifetime, his chances of contracting an STD are about 3 percent. As the number of partners increases, so does the risk. With more than twenty partners, his risk is about 28 percent. The same rough pattern is true of women, with the spectrum of percentages increasing from 5 to 35 percent.
~ From the Cunnilinguist's Manifesto:
Take one small lick for man, one giant lick for mankind.
Cunnilinguists of the world unite. The revolution is upon us.
Vive la Vulva!
~ Hah! Some advice we Goodreaders are bound to appreciate:
Take a page from The Thousand and One Nights and incorporate a story into foreplay. If you’re not a born storyteller, try reading one aloud together. Some literary recommendations: James Salter’s erotic masterpiece, A Sport and a Pastime; Anais Nin’s collections of short stories Delta of Venus and Little Birds; the erotic novels Emanuelle by Emanuelle Arsan and Story of O by Pauline Réage; Harold Brodkey’s sexual saga “Innocence”—perhaps the greatest depiction of a session of cunnilingus ever penned; novels by Jerzy Kosinski such as Passion Play and Cockpit; Henry Miller’s Under the Roofs of Paris and Quiet Days in Clichy; My Secret Life by Anonymous and The Pure and the Impure by Colette; Nancy Friday’s anthology of fantasies, Secret Garden (filled with the correspondence of real people’s fantasies); stories from The Mammoth Book of Erotica or one of the many erotic anthologies edited by Susie Bright. For those with a taste for poetry, try Les Fleurs du Mal (Flowers of Evil) by Charles Baudelaire or Flesh Unlimited by Guillaume Apollinaire. And for those who like comic books (kinky ones, that is), try the extra-hot works of writer/illustrator Eric Stanton, who specializes in female-domination fantasies.
January 11, 2023
What is this doing on my bookshelf?
Nothing to see here, move along please.
Nothing to see here, move along please.
July 14, 2012
Not just for men. I think women can get just as much out of it learning about their own bodies and pleasure points.
Now I know what to tell my partner instead of, "Yeah more of that!", "Um... try something different."
Now I know what to tell my partner instead of, "Yeah more of that!", "Um... try something different."
August 22, 2017
Warto było przeczytać tę książkę. W ogóle warto czytać takie książki, nawet jeżeli ma się wrażenie, że wie się już wszystko. Otóż czasem można poznać praktyczny szczególik, który ma znaczenie. W tej książce jest sporo takich szczególików.
October 11, 2017
کتاب راجع به واژه ی جدیدی است که یاد گرفتم
cunnilingus
cunnilingus
October 30, 2024
I was too afraid to add this on GR when I initially read it back in 2013 as a baby gay. With it almost being Nonfiction November, I was trying to rack my brain for all the nonfiction books I’ve read and appreciated. I’m glad to learn this book is still being circulated by sapphics 🥹 it served me well 🫡
November 18, 2021
TL;DR - This book is entirely about cunnilingus.
* Skip to ch. 9 to begin the actual content. The beginning part is all rhetorical virtue signaling fluff / bashing on guys and their ignorance throughout history.
* Needs way more pictures! (the anatomy section only had 2 images, both almost stick figure-like sketches! The action parts were worse!) I think showing the layers of muscle and other tissue would've helped here, especially indicating where and when each is supposed to relax, contract, or engorge upon stimulation to X area via Y means with Z pressure/directions. I know "everyone is different", but there should be at least some mention of statistical trends if there are any (or if there aren't), variance, potential (sub-)cultural differences, what to do if your partner has certain cognitive hiccups or troubles with areas from past encounters, etc. Also, pictures of where the openings and ducts of each gland are would have been nice.
* Also, it might just be because much of my recent time has been spent with academic papers, but this book reads like one long magazine article. Others might enjoy the pop trivia, but the constant use of secondary sources and quotes from other (often informal!) magazines & books as if they were scientific evidence really irked me. When reading this book you'll often find the stylistic template of "some say that...while others say that....while more say that...and in some sense all of this is true", and not giving us any evidence for anything or any reasoning to help weigh and compare these different theories! No biological mechanisms or even behavioral studies at all. Just mere suggestions and speculations! From my perspective, the information content reads only slightly above the level of locker room gossip.
* I wish the author would've mentioned more from the area of microbiome research. I would suspect that the act of cunnilingus would change the micro floral & fauna ecology of both participants, having important noticeable downstream effects on later scent and taste, etc (as well as general well-being and health). The author mainly just says "Lots of factors can affect smell and taste…" but really the only actionable advice they give is to eat more yogurt and maybe drink wine lol (and even then I am skeptical of much flora survived and transferred from gut to down there).
* Regardless of the above, I did learn a few things (and perhaps might be exposing my childlike naiveté at this point in time, but hey, I'm trying to honestly learn here!) Rather dumb, but for example, I did not know that at the peak of sexual arousal, the Clitoral Glans (the head) generally retreats underneath the hood (with the help of the suspensory ligament). It is unfortunate that the author provided different reasons for this in two different sections of the book. Also, the notes on the various alternative positions of bodies, legs, hands, fingers, lips, mouth, and tongue (and where to place pillows) helps a bunch as a fountain of ideas. Finally, for all of us readers, chapter 22 (pg. 45 for future reference 😉) provides a useful section on literary recommendations to incorporate during foreplay!
Conclusion = 2/5 stars. You might instead want to take a look at Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski if you are more generally into the psychological aspect of sexual pleasure, and/or the excellent The Vagina Bible: The Vulva and the Vagina—Separating the Myth from the Medicine by Jennifer Gunter for the more science-bent dorks out there!
* Skip to ch. 9 to begin the actual content. The beginning part is all rhetorical virtue signaling fluff / bashing on guys and their ignorance throughout history.
* Needs way more pictures! (the anatomy section only had 2 images, both almost stick figure-like sketches! The action parts were worse!) I think showing the layers of muscle and other tissue would've helped here, especially indicating where and when each is supposed to relax, contract, or engorge upon stimulation to X area via Y means with Z pressure/directions. I know "everyone is different", but there should be at least some mention of statistical trends if there are any (or if there aren't), variance, potential (sub-)cultural differences, what to do if your partner has certain cognitive hiccups or troubles with areas from past encounters, etc. Also, pictures of where the openings and ducts of each gland are would have been nice.
* Also, it might just be because much of my recent time has been spent with academic papers, but this book reads like one long magazine article. Others might enjoy the pop trivia, but the constant use of secondary sources and quotes from other (often informal!) magazines & books as if they were scientific evidence really irked me. When reading this book you'll often find the stylistic template of "some say that...while others say that....while more say that...and in some sense all of this is true", and not giving us any evidence for anything or any reasoning to help weigh and compare these different theories! No biological mechanisms or even behavioral studies at all. Just mere suggestions and speculations! From my perspective, the information content reads only slightly above the level of locker room gossip.
* I wish the author would've mentioned more from the area of microbiome research. I would suspect that the act of cunnilingus would change the micro floral & fauna ecology of both participants, having important noticeable downstream effects on later scent and taste, etc (as well as general well-being and health). The author mainly just says "Lots of factors can affect smell and taste…" but really the only actionable advice they give is to eat more yogurt and maybe drink wine lol (and even then I am skeptical of much flora survived and transferred from gut to down there).
* Regardless of the above, I did learn a few things (and perhaps might be exposing my childlike naiveté at this point in time, but hey, I'm trying to honestly learn here!) Rather dumb, but for example, I did not know that at the peak of sexual arousal, the Clitoral Glans (the head) generally retreats underneath the hood (with the help of the suspensory ligament). It is unfortunate that the author provided different reasons for this in two different sections of the book. Also, the notes on the various alternative positions of bodies, legs, hands, fingers, lips, mouth, and tongue (and where to place pillows) helps a bunch as a fountain of ideas. Finally, for all of us readers, chapter 22 (pg. 45 for future reference 😉) provides a useful section on literary recommendations to incorporate during foreplay!
Conclusion = 2/5 stars. You might instead want to take a look at Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski if you are more generally into the psychological aspect of sexual pleasure, and/or the excellent The Vagina Bible: The Vulva and the Vagina—Separating the Myth from the Medicine by Jennifer Gunter for the more science-bent dorks out there!
July 21, 2021
"During the Tang Dynasty, the Empress Wu Hu ruled China. She knew that sex and power were inexorably linked, and she decreed that government officials and visiting dignitaries must pay homage to her imperial highness by performing cunnilingus upon her."
It is true that sex became penis oriented in 1800s under the guidance of clearly very well intended white cis het men, namely Mr Freud, more like a whiny bitch. This book not only covered the male ignorance but also provided stats to back it up. Most men when it comes to sex or oral sex in specific, rely on porn or first hand experience, which tbh is a big BS scenario. Lack of sexual education isn't only a health risk factor but can also deny us of one of the greatest human pleasures. How is one supposed to perform with their partner if they don't even know or understand what they performing on. Rarely any men outside academic circles would know that there are 18 parts to clitoris and every one of them can be differently simulated. Heck, even half the girls in my country wouldn't know that. The taboo around sex in this country isn't just an academic failure but also a social and cultural failure.
I hope that every man atleast reads this book once in their life, preferably before they start dating. Because understanding your partner and understanding the respect that comes with someone letting you go down on them, is of utmost importance and vital to any relationship.
It is true that sex became penis oriented in 1800s under the guidance of clearly very well intended white cis het men, namely Mr Freud, more like a whiny bitch. This book not only covered the male ignorance but also provided stats to back it up. Most men when it comes to sex or oral sex in specific, rely on porn or first hand experience, which tbh is a big BS scenario. Lack of sexual education isn't only a health risk factor but can also deny us of one of the greatest human pleasures. How is one supposed to perform with their partner if they don't even know or understand what they performing on. Rarely any men outside academic circles would know that there are 18 parts to clitoris and every one of them can be differently simulated. Heck, even half the girls in my country wouldn't know that. The taboo around sex in this country isn't just an academic failure but also a social and cultural failure.
I hope that every man atleast reads this book once in their life, preferably before they start dating. Because understanding your partner and understanding the respect that comes with someone letting you go down on them, is of utmost importance and vital to any relationship.
August 26, 2012
Still reading and referencing, some great concepts. Got to do a lot of technique testing and practicing with rave reviews. Was lucky enough to practice on some Bi and lesbians and was rated in the upper 80%. I've still got room for improvement, but that's pretty awesome for a guy to now be the best of the guys and better than most lesbians. Can't exactly brag to my parents but it's still good to know you're doing right and making women happy. Feel like a slightly perverted Captain America!
May 19, 2020
It's been a while since I've read a non-fiction book about sex (the last was the excellent Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex), and because it is an area of intense interest where actual breakthroughs are few, I thought I'd give Kerner's book a chance. I'm embarrassed to admit that I believe I'd read it before and forgotten, so take my comments with that in mind.
The overwhelming theme of the book is that a woman's pleasure is the most important aspect of sex, for it rewards both partners. This is not a revolutionary idea in 2015, nor in 2004 when the book was published, but the proportion of informed lovers to bedroom clods seems to change only slowly - much to the detriment of women everywhere. Part of this is our society that teaches about sex in the wrong way and, as Kerner points out, a lot of misconceptions are spread from pornography. As such, in this alone I applaud his message. Compounded with the suggestions for good wine, iambic Shakespearean sonnets traced upon the vulva, and good side stories (the one about Jackson Pollock is priceless), and the book's worth is unquestionable.
The prose is clinical. Even when describing the most delectable parts of a woman's anatomy and how to stimulate them with the tongue & fingers, the tone is professional and the level of erotic engagement almost reaches the level of the instructions for assembling Ikea furniture. The actual information is both interesting and, in some cases, at least questionable. The illustrations, too, or non-erotic. If you want to see gleaming genital frenula, you still have to go to dodgier places. On the positive side, though, you can read She Comes First in the library without feeling perverted.
The book's intention is to inform about a woman's sexual anatomy, redesign the sexual encounter by changing the focus of the moment from intercourse to "coreplay" (which is mostly cunnilingus), and create a plan that can be followed to bring a woman to orgasm using these techniques. There are even cheat sheets. On the surface this seems like a positive plan. The problems appear in the execution however.
The author rolls the labia (both sets), frenulum, front commissure, mons pubis, perineum, and the fourchette (along with the actual clitoris) into parts of a clitoral system, basing his redefinition on work by Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Centers. This might be overly pedantic, but shouldn't we just keep the word 'vulva' instead? The erogenous zone known as the G-Spot becomes a part of the clitoral cluster (sorry Dr. Gräfenberg - your time was short, but sweet). In any case, the book proceeds to document the best way to stimulate each element. Here alone was the zeal - in the execution of different techniques - and I began to have a nervous feeling (after the suggestion of leg restraint without - except in the appendix - any discussion of safe words and so forth) about the conditions of the research. The thought could best be expressed is "was the purpose of giving her orgasms for her benefit or his?" which could be recast is "is she really coming first even if she is cumming first?" Let's move away from that dark corner though and focus on another problem, which I think runs even deeper and is fundamental to the entire issue about books like these.
One thing I have learned is that women are not problems to be solved. They aren't also something to be generalized such that a user manual of techniques must be employed to leap from floundering to satisfaction. That really is just another form of objectifying them and a list of steps to bring your lover to orgasm misses the entire purpose of making love - the devotion to the spiritual moment that supersedes all terrestrial considerations. It's axiomatic. Lose yourself together and you'll find yourself together again at a peak.
The final complaint I have is the idea that men are responsible for a woman's orgasms. That's a very outdated way of thinking, still bordering on quaint in 2015, but getting lots of mold on the edges. Sex is a participatory endeavor and the results rely on the skillful execution of both parties.
All this being said, there is enough in "She Comes First" to recommend the book, especially to someone who doesn't have much world experience (or does but is misguided in thinking that his orgasm is the main event). I also think it's a decent book for women to read to understand their anatomy better, though my gut feeling is that most thinking women have already figured all of this out already.
Werner's side stories were the most endearing parts and I'm not going to spoil any of these, but I promise they're worth the price of admission. I also applaud his intent to focus on female satisfaction, but wonder if - even in 2004 - he was behind the curve. It doesn't really matter though. It's the outcome that matters. Right? Outcomes. Climaxes. Or is it the journey?
Perhaps that's a better question to ponder the difference between men and women's sexuality.
The overwhelming theme of the book is that a woman's pleasure is the most important aspect of sex, for it rewards both partners. This is not a revolutionary idea in 2015, nor in 2004 when the book was published, but the proportion of informed lovers to bedroom clods seems to change only slowly - much to the detriment of women everywhere. Part of this is our society that teaches about sex in the wrong way and, as Kerner points out, a lot of misconceptions are spread from pornography. As such, in this alone I applaud his message. Compounded with the suggestions for good wine, iambic Shakespearean sonnets traced upon the vulva, and good side stories (the one about Jackson Pollock is priceless), and the book's worth is unquestionable.
The prose is clinical. Even when describing the most delectable parts of a woman's anatomy and how to stimulate them with the tongue & fingers, the tone is professional and the level of erotic engagement almost reaches the level of the instructions for assembling Ikea furniture. The actual information is both interesting and, in some cases, at least questionable. The illustrations, too, or non-erotic. If you want to see gleaming genital frenula, you still have to go to dodgier places. On the positive side, though, you can read She Comes First in the library without feeling perverted.
The book's intention is to inform about a woman's sexual anatomy, redesign the sexual encounter by changing the focus of the moment from intercourse to "coreplay" (which is mostly cunnilingus), and create a plan that can be followed to bring a woman to orgasm using these techniques. There are even cheat sheets. On the surface this seems like a positive plan. The problems appear in the execution however.
The author rolls the labia (both sets), frenulum, front commissure, mons pubis, perineum, and the fourchette (along with the actual clitoris) into parts of a clitoral system, basing his redefinition on work by Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Centers. This might be overly pedantic, but shouldn't we just keep the word 'vulva' instead? The erogenous zone known as the G-Spot becomes a part of the clitoral cluster (sorry Dr. Gräfenberg - your time was short, but sweet). In any case, the book proceeds to document the best way to stimulate each element. Here alone was the zeal - in the execution of different techniques - and I began to have a nervous feeling (after the suggestion of leg restraint without - except in the appendix - any discussion of safe words and so forth) about the conditions of the research. The thought could best be expressed is "was the purpose of giving her orgasms for her benefit or his?" which could be recast is "is she really coming first even if she is cumming first?" Let's move away from that dark corner though and focus on another problem, which I think runs even deeper and is fundamental to the entire issue about books like these.
One thing I have learned is that women are not problems to be solved. They aren't also something to be generalized such that a user manual of techniques must be employed to leap from floundering to satisfaction. That really is just another form of objectifying them and a list of steps to bring your lover to orgasm misses the entire purpose of making love - the devotion to the spiritual moment that supersedes all terrestrial considerations. It's axiomatic. Lose yourself together and you'll find yourself together again at a peak.
The final complaint I have is the idea that men are responsible for a woman's orgasms. That's a very outdated way of thinking, still bordering on quaint in 2015, but getting lots of mold on the edges. Sex is a participatory endeavor and the results rely on the skillful execution of both parties.
All this being said, there is enough in "She Comes First" to recommend the book, especially to someone who doesn't have much world experience (or does but is misguided in thinking that his orgasm is the main event). I also think it's a decent book for women to read to understand their anatomy better, though my gut feeling is that most thinking women have already figured all of this out already.
Werner's side stories were the most endearing parts and I'm not going to spoil any of these, but I promise they're worth the price of admission. I also applaud his intent to focus on female satisfaction, but wonder if - even in 2004 - he was behind the curve. It doesn't really matter though. It's the outcome that matters. Right? Outcomes. Climaxes. Or is it the journey?
Perhaps that's a better question to ponder the difference between men and women's sexuality.
February 11, 2012
She Comes First is a manual for men on how to provide sexual pleasure to a woman. The premise of the book is the fact that female orgasms are clitoral orgasms. He goes on to say that the best clitoral orgasms are achieved with cunnilingus and that, because of differences in male and female sexual response, it is best for heterosexual couples if the female orgasm precedes the male orgasm.
The author has a Ph.D. from the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. Being an English major from Brandeis University, he has chosen to use the structure of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style to organize the information presented. The first section, "The Elements of Sexual Style," outlines female sexual anatomy and response. To make his case for the clitoral orgasm, he argues that the clitoris is much more than the glans, or love button, and that it has 18 parts, most of which are internal and not visible. Line dawings by Naomi Pitcairn are helpful throughout the text in illustrating anatomy and positions.
In the second section, "Rules of Usage," Kerner outlines the basic steps of cunnilingus from foreplay, through "coreplay" to "moreplay." This is basically an instruction manual on how to perform cunnilingus, broken into short chapters with a Let's Review section at the end of each.
The third and last section is called "Putting It All Together" and it provides routines, from beginner to advanced that the student can use. There is even a blank Routine Template you can photocopy and fill in with your own variations. The image of a young playboy keeping completed templates with women's names at the top, filed alphabetically in a ring binder came to mind when I saw this.
While I liked this book I felt that the format actually detracted from the presentation. Strunk and White's book may have been a revelation to some young college freshmen learning to write, but their methodology, does not always translate well to other disciplines. what saves the book is the author's enthusiasm for his subject and the knowledge he brings to it. If you have a clueless man in your life, this book may help him discover one of the greatest joys in life.
The author has a Ph.D. from the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. Being an English major from Brandeis University, he has chosen to use the structure of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style to organize the information presented. The first section, "The Elements of Sexual Style," outlines female sexual anatomy and response. To make his case for the clitoral orgasm, he argues that the clitoris is much more than the glans, or love button, and that it has 18 parts, most of which are internal and not visible. Line dawings by Naomi Pitcairn are helpful throughout the text in illustrating anatomy and positions.
In the second section, "Rules of Usage," Kerner outlines the basic steps of cunnilingus from foreplay, through "coreplay" to "moreplay." This is basically an instruction manual on how to perform cunnilingus, broken into short chapters with a Let's Review section at the end of each.
The third and last section is called "Putting It All Together" and it provides routines, from beginner to advanced that the student can use. There is even a blank Routine Template you can photocopy and fill in with your own variations. The image of a young playboy keeping completed templates with women's names at the top, filed alphabetically in a ring binder came to mind when I saw this.
While I liked this book I felt that the format actually detracted from the presentation. Strunk and White's book may have been a revelation to some young college freshmen learning to write, but their methodology, does not always translate well to other disciplines. what saves the book is the author's enthusiasm for his subject and the knowledge he brings to it. If you have a clueless man in your life, this book may help him discover one of the greatest joys in life.
August 11, 2025
240225: maybe not five, but certainly the book I wish I had when much younger, like 20, when I was first active. for being thinking man was/is major aspect of my identity. for pleasuring woman was/is definite ideal. and where else are you going to derive such learning: your friends are likely as clueless, popular culture is built on deceptive exaggerations, your parents and teachers and other mentors will expect you just to muddle through...
in retrospect of course there are years (decades...) learning experience, but there is buried ideological claim in this book- that I agree with- which is sex-positive, that is, sex can and should be mutually affirming whatever range of emotions desired, that it should be non-abusive, non-coercive, equally pleasurable, not naturally perfect but perfectly natural... and so also I face philosophical dispute in this favoured conception of sex: what about those people who disagree with any or all those assertions? what about this somewhat skewed or obsessive concern with sex? what about gay or bi or trans or asexual people or simply people who do not share sex, are they less than human?...
I am on the spectrum much more towards sex, and this text would have been very useful, possibly still is, but there is pragmatic orientation and particularly male perspective, despite its avowed interest in women's pleasure. it is about how men can give this pleasure. it is about the value for men as well as women in giving this pleasure. in later pages and in appendices this tends toward an instructional model. he does qualify that every woman is different and that the key is deep listening...
more:
Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It
The New Male Sexuality
in retrospect of course there are years (decades...) learning experience, but there is buried ideological claim in this book- that I agree with- which is sex-positive, that is, sex can and should be mutually affirming whatever range of emotions desired, that it should be non-abusive, non-coercive, equally pleasurable, not naturally perfect but perfectly natural... and so also I face philosophical dispute in this favoured conception of sex: what about those people who disagree with any or all those assertions? what about this somewhat skewed or obsessive concern with sex? what about gay or bi or trans or asexual people or simply people who do not share sex, are they less than human?...
I am on the spectrum much more towards sex, and this text would have been very useful, possibly still is, but there is pragmatic orientation and particularly male perspective, despite its avowed interest in women's pleasure. it is about how men can give this pleasure. it is about the value for men as well as women in giving this pleasure. in later pages and in appendices this tends toward an instructional model. he does qualify that every woman is different and that the key is deep listening...
more:
Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It
The New Male Sexuality
March 10, 2019
I am not the target audience of this book. I’m a 35 year old happily married woman. I just saw the title and thought, man I wish that was true.
Like many women I suspected that something was off with, well, every sex scene I’ve ever seen on a television.
I know how ‘it’ works for me and how it doesn’t and was pretty sure I wasn’t unusual in that department.
This book says everything I wish I could tell every man in the world! It clears up every misconception that men have because of television and pornos.
The person that wrote this book explains simply how an orgasm works and doesn’t work. He explains the biology of a woman’s body in a very direct and open way. Best of all, he explains in-depth how to bring a woman to orgasm in several ways and multiple times in one night (yes I promise it is possible).
I’m not saying I’m game for every single thing he describes (we are all different and all have preferences) but 85% of it, YES PLEASE!
I’d like to say to any man reading this book two things:
1) the verbal phrases he advises to say are seriously important, they reassure and relax which are the two main things that help us orgasm and two things we aren’t very good at doing on our own.
2) when the author is describing what you should do and the order you should do it in, it’s going to seem like you’d be there for hours. Remember though he’s explaining it thoroughly so you’ll understand how to do it. I promise it doesn’t take that long, seriously, if you did half the things he recommends, it would be a couple minutes tops, if you’re doing it right. You will have a VERY grateful partner willing to reciprocate!
Like many women I suspected that something was off with, well, every sex scene I’ve ever seen on a television.
I know how ‘it’ works for me and how it doesn’t and was pretty sure I wasn’t unusual in that department.
This book says everything I wish I could tell every man in the world! It clears up every misconception that men have because of television and pornos.
The person that wrote this book explains simply how an orgasm works and doesn’t work. He explains the biology of a woman’s body in a very direct and open way. Best of all, he explains in-depth how to bring a woman to orgasm in several ways and multiple times in one night (yes I promise it is possible).
I’m not saying I’m game for every single thing he describes (we are all different and all have preferences) but 85% of it, YES PLEASE!
I’d like to say to any man reading this book two things:
1) the verbal phrases he advises to say are seriously important, they reassure and relax which are the two main things that help us orgasm and two things we aren’t very good at doing on our own.
2) when the author is describing what you should do and the order you should do it in, it’s going to seem like you’d be there for hours. Remember though he’s explaining it thoroughly so you’ll understand how to do it. I promise it doesn’t take that long, seriously, if you did half the things he recommends, it would be a couple minutes tops, if you’re doing it right. You will have a VERY grateful partner willing to reciprocate!
February 2, 2013
Excellent and a must read for both men an women!
Chapters:
1. She comes first: The courtesy that counts
2. Her clitoris: The little engine that could
3. Think outside her box
4. The female orgasm: keep it simple
5. The tongue is mightier than the sword
6. Her inner goddess
7. Avoid Freud
8. What's in a name?
9. Now you see it: Female sexual anatomy
10. Now you don't: Female sexual anatomy
11. Avoid "G-spotty" logic
12. When raindrops keep falling on your head: female ejaculation
13. How wet is wet?
14. Aristotle and the Poetics of Arousal
15. A Synopsis of Female Sexual Response
16. Scent and Sensibility
17. We've come a long way...
18. ...but proceed with caution
19. Eat right
20. The Cunnilinguist Manifesto
21. A note on the play process
22. Foreplay: A lexicon of relevant terms
23. Introducing coreplay
24. Form follows function: getting into position
25. A quick refresher of the top 10 hot spots of the clitoral network
26. Grand openings: the first kiss
27. Establishing Rhythm
28. Developing tension part 1
29. Time flies
30. Developing tension part 2
31. Escalating the action, part 1
32. Two's company
33. An interlude
34. Escalting the action, part 2
35. A stitch in time
36, 37, 39. Preorgasm, part 1, 2, 3
38. Posterior Pizzazz
40. A note for those stuck without an ending
41. The female orgasm: expanding your vocabulary
42. Moreplay: She comes again (and again)
43. Seamless transitions
44. Achieving simultaniety
45. Don't forget your epilogue
46. The substance of style
47. Routines: A cheat sheet
48. Routines: Beginner to advanced
Chapters:
1. She comes first: The courtesy that counts
2. Her clitoris: The little engine that could
3. Think outside her box
4. The female orgasm: keep it simple
5. The tongue is mightier than the sword
6. Her inner goddess
7. Avoid Freud
8. What's in a name?
9. Now you see it: Female sexual anatomy
10. Now you don't: Female sexual anatomy
11. Avoid "G-spotty" logic
12. When raindrops keep falling on your head: female ejaculation
13. How wet is wet?
14. Aristotle and the Poetics of Arousal
15. A Synopsis of Female Sexual Response
16. Scent and Sensibility
17. We've come a long way...
18. ...but proceed with caution
19. Eat right
20. The Cunnilinguist Manifesto
21. A note on the play process
22. Foreplay: A lexicon of relevant terms
23. Introducing coreplay
24. Form follows function: getting into position
25. A quick refresher of the top 10 hot spots of the clitoral network
26. Grand openings: the first kiss
27. Establishing Rhythm
28. Developing tension part 1
29. Time flies
30. Developing tension part 2
31. Escalating the action, part 1
32. Two's company
33. An interlude
34. Escalting the action, part 2
35. A stitch in time
36, 37, 39. Preorgasm, part 1, 2, 3
38. Posterior Pizzazz
40. A note for those stuck without an ending
41. The female orgasm: expanding your vocabulary
42. Moreplay: She comes again (and again)
43. Seamless transitions
44. Achieving simultaniety
45. Don't forget your epilogue
46. The substance of style
47. Routines: A cheat sheet
48. Routines: Beginner to advanced
August 28, 2019
Наръчник по орален секс, който може да се събере в 20 страници, но е 200.
Сериозно, първата половина от книгата можете да я отпорите и изхвърлите, защото се състои главно от отчаяните опити на автора да ни убеди, че няма такива неща като г-точка, а-точка и т.н. ами всичко е клитор с вътрешни и външни разклонения, обхванал (поне с такова впечатление оставам от описанието) женската сексуална анатомия като октопод с пипала, плъзнали навсякъде.
Втората част е практическа и в нея има разумни съвети, които обаче са разводнени от изключително дразнещите (за мен) отклонения на автора в опитите му да се прави на интересен и да вкарва метафори във всичко. Движенията на езика били като римите на Шекспир, половин странично описание на Мохамед Али защото според автора то има голяма и силна връзка с позицията на главата ти при орален секс и т.н. Пише, че авторът е доктор (PhD) и по стила му подозирам че е доктор по литература.
А да, също така според него не само няма г-точка ами и жеската еякулация не съществува и "излизала малко количество течност понякога". Да ти пратя снимки на мокри чаршафи баце...
Сериозно, първата половина от книгата можете да я отпорите и изхвърлите, защото се състои главно от отчаяните опити на автора да ни убеди, че няма такива неща като г-точка, а-точка и т.н. ами всичко е клитор с вътрешни и външни разклонения, обхванал (поне с такова впечатление оставам от описанието) женската сексуална анатомия като октопод с пипала, плъзнали навсякъде.
Втората част е практическа и в нея има разумни съвети, които обаче са разводнени от изключително дразнещите (за мен) отклонения на автора в опитите му да се прави на интересен и да вкарва метафори във всичко. Движенията на езика били като римите на Шекспир, половин странично описание на Мохамед Али защото според автора то има голяма и силна връзка с позицията на главата ти при орален секс и т.н. Пише, че авторът е доктор (PhD) и по стила му подозирам че е доктор по литература.
А да, също така според него не само няма г-точка ами и жеската еякулация не съществува и "излизала малко количество течност понякога". Да ти пратя снимки на мокри чаршафи баце...
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