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Нелюбимая дочь. Как оставить в прошлом травматичные отношения с матерью и начать новую жизнь
A self-help book based in science, the result of more than a decade of research, Daughter Detox offers the daughters of unloving mothers vital information, guidance, and real strategies for healing from childhood experiences, and building genuine self-esteem. Writer Peg Streep lays out seven distinct but interconnected stages on the path to reclaim your life from the effects of a toxic childhood: DISCOVERY, DISCERNMENT, DISTNGUISH, DISARM, RECLAIM, REDIRECT, and RECOVER. Each step is clearly explained, and richly detailed with the stories of other women, approaches drawn from psychology and other disciplines, and unique exercises. The book will help the reader tackle her own self-doubt and become consciously aware of how her mother’s treatment continues to shape her behavior, even today.
The message of the book is direct: What you experienced in childhood need not continue to hold you back in life. What was learned can be unlearned with effort.
The book begins with DISCOVERY, opening up the reader’s understanding of how she has been wounded and influenced by her mother’s treatment. Recognizing the eight toxic maternal behaviors—dismissive, controlling, emotionally unavailable, unreliable, self-involved or narcissistic, combative, enmeshed, or role-reversed—lays the foundation for the daughter’s awareness of how her way of looking at the world, connecting to others, and ability to manage stress were affected. DISCERNMENT delves into the patterns of relationship in her family of origin and how they played a part in her development, and then shifts to looking closely at how the daughter adapted to her treatment, either silencing or losing her true self in the process. Next up is DISTINGUISH, seeing how the behavioral patterns we learned in childhood animate all of our relationships in the present with lovers and spouses, relatives, friends, neighbors, and colleagues. The act of distinguishing allows us to see why so many of us end up in unsatisfying relationships, chose the wrong partners, or are unable to develop close friendships.
Active recovery begins with DISARM as the daughter learns how to disconnect unconscious patterns of reaction and behavior and substitute actions that will foster the growth of self-esteem. Understanding the triggers that set us off, the cues that put us on the defensive, and the default positions of blaming ourselves and making excuses for other people’s toxic behavior are addressed, as are unhealthy behaviors such as rumination, rejection sensitivity, and more. RECLAIM is the stage at which the reader begins to actively make new choices, preparing herself so that she can live the life she desires by seeing herself as having agency and being empowered. Making new choices and figuring out how to manage her relationship to her unloving or toxic mother is the focus of REDIRECT. There are stories to inspire and challenge your thinking, exercises that show you how to swap out self-criticism for self-compassion, guidance on how to use journaling as a tool of self-discovery and growth, and advice on goal setting.
Finally, RECOVER challenges the reader to come up with a new definition of what it means to heal, suggests tools to overcome the obstacles she places in her own way, and strategies to become the best, most authentic version of herself.
The message of the book is direct: What you experienced in childhood need not continue to hold you back in life. What was learned can be unlearned with effort.
The book begins with DISCOVERY, opening up the reader’s understanding of how she has been wounded and influenced by her mother’s treatment. Recognizing the eight toxic maternal behaviors—dismissive, controlling, emotionally unavailable, unreliable, self-involved or narcissistic, combative, enmeshed, or role-reversed—lays the foundation for the daughter’s awareness of how her way of looking at the world, connecting to others, and ability to manage stress were affected. DISCERNMENT delves into the patterns of relationship in her family of origin and how they played a part in her development, and then shifts to looking closely at how the daughter adapted to her treatment, either silencing or losing her true self in the process. Next up is DISTINGUISH, seeing how the behavioral patterns we learned in childhood animate all of our relationships in the present with lovers and spouses, relatives, friends, neighbors, and colleagues. The act of distinguishing allows us to see why so many of us end up in unsatisfying relationships, chose the wrong partners, or are unable to develop close friendships.
Active recovery begins with DISARM as the daughter learns how to disconnect unconscious patterns of reaction and behavior and substitute actions that will foster the growth of self-esteem. Understanding the triggers that set us off, the cues that put us on the defensive, and the default positions of blaming ourselves and making excuses for other people’s toxic behavior are addressed, as are unhealthy behaviors such as rumination, rejection sensitivity, and more. RECLAIM is the stage at which the reader begins to actively make new choices, preparing herself so that she can live the life she desires by seeing herself as having agency and being empowered. Making new choices and figuring out how to manage her relationship to her unloving or toxic mother is the focus of REDIRECT. There are stories to inspire and challenge your thinking, exercises that show you how to swap out self-criticism for self-compassion, guidance on how to use journaling as a tool of self-discovery and growth, and advice on goal setting.
Finally, RECOVER challenges the reader to come up with a new definition of what it means to heal, suggests tools to overcome the obstacles she places in her own way, and strategies to become the best, most authentic version of herself.
326 pages, Hardcover
Published January 1, 2019
533 people are currently reading
1823 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 73 reviews
July 30, 2019
The concept of detoxing from your mean mother was really poignant. The realization that this is a process and it will not end if you go no-contact (NC) or when your mother dies.
The gentle and firm way that these themes were repeated was very helpful and yet there is so much hope here. So many women who have experienced the darkest experiences of being emotionally abandoned and betrayed by their moms and yet made meaning of their lives without that support or adoration of a mom. I am so indebted to these personal stories. Stories that our culture (as a whole) is not keen on hearing.
The lay out of the chapters, how each built in such perfect form on each other and the poignant experiences of other women, who are in various stages and experiences of being un-mothered, swept me along. Some chapters I found myself reading over and over- there was so much amazing information. The last chapter "Engaged Detox" had questions to ponder and questions to journal and I found that especially helpful. I could read this book again, right now, and engage in all new ways with it. It is a book of healing and hope with new gifts in each reading.
The chapter on forgiveness was probably the best I have ever encountered. This chapter was worth buying the whole book for.
One truly thing I appreciated was that this book, unlike Mean Mothers, did not bang on about how having children is THE BEST way to heal, because
a) not fucking true
and
b) that leaves those of us who have not deployed our mommy-selves bereft.
This book addresses that being a mom can be one path to healing and also can be a path where you damage your kids just as much because you were damaged- and all the variations in between.
The references are a goldmine of further reading.
It's what a dismissive mother does not give her daughter that does the most damage. p47
Even high achieving daughters often feel deeply insecure, worthless, or not good enough. A dismissive mother robs a child of her sense of belonging... p47
Perhaps the most dangerous- and psychologically important- lesson the self involved mother imparts is that attention is earned, never given freely, or without condition. p56
Paradoxically, while the daughter feels unloved, she often can't see the ways in which she is wounded.
The relationship I had with my mother was mostly insufferable. p.224
The gentle and firm way that these themes were repeated was very helpful and yet there is so much hope here. So many women who have experienced the darkest experiences of being emotionally abandoned and betrayed by their moms and yet made meaning of their lives without that support or adoration of a mom. I am so indebted to these personal stories. Stories that our culture (as a whole) is not keen on hearing.
The lay out of the chapters, how each built in such perfect form on each other and the poignant experiences of other women, who are in various stages and experiences of being un-mothered, swept me along. Some chapters I found myself reading over and over- there was so much amazing information. The last chapter "Engaged Detox" had questions to ponder and questions to journal and I found that especially helpful. I could read this book again, right now, and engage in all new ways with it. It is a book of healing and hope with new gifts in each reading.
The chapter on forgiveness was probably the best I have ever encountered. This chapter was worth buying the whole book for.
One truly thing I appreciated was that this book, unlike Mean Mothers, did not bang on about how having children is THE BEST way to heal, because
a) not fucking true
and
b) that leaves those of us who have not deployed our mommy-selves bereft.
This book addresses that being a mom can be one path to healing and also can be a path where you damage your kids just as much because you were damaged- and all the variations in between.
The references are a goldmine of further reading.
It's what a dismissive mother does not give her daughter that does the most damage. p47
Even high achieving daughters often feel deeply insecure, worthless, or not good enough. A dismissive mother robs a child of her sense of belonging... p47
Perhaps the most dangerous- and psychologically important- lesson the self involved mother imparts is that attention is earned, never given freely, or without condition. p56
Paradoxically, while the daughter feels unloved, she often can't see the ways in which she is wounded.
The relationship I had with my mother was mostly insufferable. p.224
December 30, 2017
This is a very helpful book if you, unfortunately, have a very toxic mother and sisters and you are trying to understand why. It is more like a step by step method to begin to love yourself and move forward. I hope that no one else experiences what I have with my mother and that you have a happy, loving relationship. If you do not have a kind relationship with your mother and wonder why, read this book.
May 11, 2020
Audio. I wish this book had been available 40 years ago, when I started the long detachment process from a very angry, violent, and vicious mother who could nevertheless charm a goldfish out of its water bowl. I finally cut her off completely over 16 years ago. To this day, she still sends me angry communications about once or twice each year (anonymous letters, the name and address typed on a manual typewriter, no return address--like I don't know who it's from), to which I have never and will never respond. Instead, I wish her well in my heart, then show the letters to one or two friends or co-workers, none of whom have ever met her. The response is one of universal shock, "That's from your MOTHER?"
Yes, because as Streep boldly asserts, the motherhood myth is such a powerful cultural "given," people can't possibly conceive that these women who hate their children DO exist. People think the Susan Smiths of the world (the notorious woman who drove her two boys into a lake) are anomalies. I would suggest they are not so unusual as the culture believes, although mostly to a lesser extent. But what IS usual, sadly, is that for a daughter to acknowledge her mother didn't "do the best she could" is a disturbing departure from society's mother love narrative. For this reason, I kept my own no contact decision to myself, had a stock excuse when asked ("Oh, she has a very busy social life on the other side of the world"), and I never once looked back after I completely cut her off.
Interestingly, for about 10 years she went silent, turning her rage onto another female family member, who eventually slapped my mother with a restraining order, took her to court--and won, with a very forceful admonishment from the judge to my mother about her behavior (he wasn't fooled by her outward charm). Others have told me that they have also experienced her rage (why this self-described pillar of her community still gets away with her rages is beyond me, but she does). My only regret is I didn't cut her off at 16 years old instead of 40. I found Streep's books only because somehow this woman got hold of my cell phone number and started sending messages so enraged and downright creepy, outsiders thought I'd made them up. Er, um, no, I'm not that good with technology. I needed a mini-dose of "therapy," and Streep's books helped.
My point is these toxic women do exist, and for those of us who are unfortunate enough to be the daughter of one--we get Streep's message. My only advice is to read or listen to this book, stop beating yourself up, stop wasting your time trying to get into toxic mom's good graces (you won't), accept that you're not going to get that mother/daughter love in this life, and move the heck on. Streep offers many suggestions that don't necessarily require No Contact (although that was the only method I could possibly live with). Every time I receive an angry message from my mother, I silently wish her peace, and I will continue to do so, while protecting my own peaceful journey through life without her. I wish I could say I have my own family, children, and so forth, but the damage done was so severe (I'm leaving out 95% of the abuse) that I opted not to run the risk of perpetuating the cycle of abuse on my own children. Yes, it was that bad. If you are truly dealing with a toxic mother, you won't debate Streep's message--you will welcome it and be grateful for it. I also highly recommend The Daughter Detox Question & Answer Book: A GPS for Navigating Your Way Out of a Toxic Childhood. The Q&A book was more helpful to me because I'd already completed the No Contact process. Also very helpful for me years back was Understanding the Borderline Mother.
Yes, because as Streep boldly asserts, the motherhood myth is such a powerful cultural "given," people can't possibly conceive that these women who hate their children DO exist. People think the Susan Smiths of the world (the notorious woman who drove her two boys into a lake) are anomalies. I would suggest they are not so unusual as the culture believes, although mostly to a lesser extent. But what IS usual, sadly, is that for a daughter to acknowledge her mother didn't "do the best she could" is a disturbing departure from society's mother love narrative. For this reason, I kept my own no contact decision to myself, had a stock excuse when asked ("Oh, she has a very busy social life on the other side of the world"), and I never once looked back after I completely cut her off.
Interestingly, for about 10 years she went silent, turning her rage onto another female family member, who eventually slapped my mother with a restraining order, took her to court--and won, with a very forceful admonishment from the judge to my mother about her behavior (he wasn't fooled by her outward charm). Others have told me that they have also experienced her rage (why this self-described pillar of her community still gets away with her rages is beyond me, but she does). My only regret is I didn't cut her off at 16 years old instead of 40. I found Streep's books only because somehow this woman got hold of my cell phone number and started sending messages so enraged and downright creepy, outsiders thought I'd made them up. Er, um, no, I'm not that good with technology. I needed a mini-dose of "therapy," and Streep's books helped.
My point is these toxic women do exist, and for those of us who are unfortunate enough to be the daughter of one--we get Streep's message. My only advice is to read or listen to this book, stop beating yourself up, stop wasting your time trying to get into toxic mom's good graces (you won't), accept that you're not going to get that mother/daughter love in this life, and move the heck on. Streep offers many suggestions that don't necessarily require No Contact (although that was the only method I could possibly live with). Every time I receive an angry message from my mother, I silently wish her peace, and I will continue to do so, while protecting my own peaceful journey through life without her. I wish I could say I have my own family, children, and so forth, but the damage done was so severe (I'm leaving out 95% of the abuse) that I opted not to run the risk of perpetuating the cycle of abuse on my own children. Yes, it was that bad. If you are truly dealing with a toxic mother, you won't debate Streep's message--you will welcome it and be grateful for it. I also highly recommend The Daughter Detox Question & Answer Book: A GPS for Navigating Your Way Out of a Toxic Childhood. The Q&A book was more helpful to me because I'd already completed the No Contact process. Also very helpful for me years back was Understanding the Borderline Mother.
Currently reading
September 14, 2019over 3 hrs in and I can't.... who the hell isn't a horrible mother according to this book?? And I can't stand how it is all on the mother to mess up a kid. I can't RELATE at all and I have an extreme narcissistic mother.... one of the worse things (and there are so many) is her forcing me and my brother over and over and over on a father and his family who did not want anything to do with us and she did it so she could be closer to him. Like we were bait to get closer to him. OVER and over we were abandoned and rejected by their entire family. The symptoms of all these different definitions of unloving mothers -- they seem indulgent-- and how women of these mothers are as grownups is too cookie cutter. Some of us succeed DESPITE our upbring -- honestly all the things listed as abuse in this book makes my head spin. What isn't abuse. Who is this perfect mother that doesn't do ANY of these things? Seriously?? You are a bad mom if you tell your kid they are having a certain food over another??? Example being mash potatoes over yogurt??? I just can't..... I had great hopes with this book because it was recommended to my from a good friend who understand how sometimes you just have to let go of a parent who is toxic in your life-- that this doesn't make you a bad person if that person happens to be your mother. That life is too short to always feel bad under a person who sucks the very soul out of a room. All this did was make me frustrated and a bit annoyed.
July 17, 2019
Odd to finish this book on Mother’s Day. If this book is relevant to your life, it’s going to be tough. A bit too simplified at points, most certainly, but it nudged some self-awareness and offered what might be useful next steps. Relative to the self help genre, it spoke to me and felt useful.
January 5, 2019
Great book to help you recover from a toxic family.
Really helped me to solidify my decision to never contact my family again. I'll never get any kind of accountability.
Helped explain their confusing illogical behaviors too.
Really helped me to solidify my decision to never contact my family again. I'll never get any kind of accountability.
Helped explain their confusing illogical behaviors too.
July 17, 2019
OUCH. Daughters of narcissists and psychos rejoice: Here is your Bible.
It's hard to address, but this book will help you soothe your rattled soul. Your mom was a jerk, but you are not her.
If you have a shit relationship with your mom, this book might open your eyes.
It's hard to address, but this book will help you soothe your rattled soul. Your mom was a jerk, but you are not her.
If you have a shit relationship with your mom, this book might open your eyes.
September 2, 2019
There are a lot more books out there about healing from narcissistic abuse than I originally realized. I read Daughter Detox in audiobook format, and I’ve since gone back to listen to it a second time, and also to reference specific sections.
This is the kind of book that will only appeal to people who share the background that informs it—but the intended audience is of course those very people. And if you’re a daughter who grew up with a narcissistic mother of one kind or another, you owe it to yourself to read this book.
The subtitle doesn’t disappoint. The book follows a really logical progression, from identifying the unloving behaviors your mother employed while you were growing up (and in your adult life, if you are still in contact with them), to discerning whether you should keep them in your life, to how to heal from the trauma, set up and maintain healthy boundaries, grieve for the loving mother you never had, and view your trauma as a beautiful part of your narrative, not a chronic injury that keeps you from your best self.
Reading this book was immensely validating, and it gave me real, actionable tactics to help recover from trauma. If you’ve suffered from emotional abuse at the hands of an unloving mother, or if you are the loved one of someone who has that trauma in their past, this book is a valuable and important read.
This and other reviews by me can be found at www.annaimber.com
This is the kind of book that will only appeal to people who share the background that informs it—but the intended audience is of course those very people. And if you’re a daughter who grew up with a narcissistic mother of one kind or another, you owe it to yourself to read this book.
The subtitle doesn’t disappoint. The book follows a really logical progression, from identifying the unloving behaviors your mother employed while you were growing up (and in your adult life, if you are still in contact with them), to discerning whether you should keep them in your life, to how to heal from the trauma, set up and maintain healthy boundaries, grieve for the loving mother you never had, and view your trauma as a beautiful part of your narrative, not a chronic injury that keeps you from your best self.
Reading this book was immensely validating, and it gave me real, actionable tactics to help recover from trauma. If you’ve suffered from emotional abuse at the hands of an unloving mother, or if you are the loved one of someone who has that trauma in their past, this book is a valuable and important read.
This and other reviews by me can be found at www.annaimber.com
August 6, 2022
Peg uses a lot of shame in her teachings. I read one passage to my therapist, and she said, “Do you see the shame in her words?” I did, and while that wasn’t my point in sharing it, I realized that she also shames her readers up and down her Facebook posts. She seems to go out of her way to misunderstand them. There’s a lot of “I CaN sEe YoU hAvEn’T rEaD mY bOoK” as though reading a book means you memorized every word. If you want to watch a dumpster fire in action, follow her on Facebook and watch her responses to people who have been traumatized by their mothers. I’ve had to unfollow her. The book was okay. I did not memorize every word, though.
January 2, 2019
Peg Nailed it!!
In this book I have found all of the answers to my confusing crazy life! While the reality exposed is somewhat a jagged pill to swallow, my mind is receptive and open to the possibilities exhibited by the author. Very thought provoking, captivating and interesting theory. I am not even halfway through the read and felt compelled to rate so that some other lost daughter may benefit from this incredible information.
In this book I have found all of the answers to my confusing crazy life! While the reality exposed is somewhat a jagged pill to swallow, my mind is receptive and open to the possibilities exhibited by the author. Very thought provoking, captivating and interesting theory. I am not even halfway through the read and felt compelled to rate so that some other lost daughter may benefit from this incredible information.
April 8, 2020
This book shares useful information about attachment, the repetition compulsion, emotional intelligence, etc. I trust the authors description of her own experience.
That being said I think the complete pass given to father's (heterosexual co-parenting is assumed) in the tone something like "Of course, Dad had limited involvement or impact, he's just a Dad. Even had he wanted to be more involved, that controlling demon of a mother would have blocked him." Anyway, that ruined it for me.
That being said I think the complete pass given to father's (heterosexual co-parenting is assumed) in the tone something like "Of course, Dad had limited involvement or impact, he's just a Dad. Even had he wanted to be more involved, that controlling demon of a mother would have blocked him." Anyway, that ruined it for me.
October 28, 2018
Very helpful
The book is very well structured and has a clear process. It makes reference to studies and what socuetal expectations are. It provides practical exercise s to do but doesn t promise the panacea, work to be done with a therapist. It needs re-reading a few times.
The book is very well structured and has a clear process. It makes reference to studies and what socuetal expectations are. It provides practical exercise s to do but doesn t promise the panacea, work to be done with a therapist. It needs re-reading a few times.
November 21, 2018
Best book ever on this topic!
This book is an indispensable resource in helping unloved daughters to understand the root cause behind the brokenness of the relationship with their mothers, and offers a practical step-by-step plan for healing.
This book is an indispensable resource in helping unloved daughters to understand the root cause behind the brokenness of the relationship with their mothers, and offers a practical step-by-step plan for healing.
March 10, 2018
If you're deciding between Mean Mothers and this one, get this one. It's better researched and organized, less anecdotal. Great exercises at the end.
January 3, 2024
There’s a special kind of hurt in being treated as though you’re invisible or that you are so unimportant in the scheme of things that you’re not even worth answering. Is there anything more chilling and hurtful than seeing your mother act as though she can’t see you, her face calm?
Almost like a quote from a gothic novel, huh? Nope, real life folks.
Having journeyed through the pages of Peg Streep's 'Daughter Detox,' I can't help but resonate deeply with the profound insights and healing narratives shared within. Streep masterfully navigates the intricate complexities of mother-daughter relationships, providing readers like myself with both solace and actionable guidance.
This isn't just a book; it's a beacon of hope for those grappling with the emotional wounds left by an unloving mother. Streep's empathetic approach, combined with her extensive research, creates a safe space for introspection and growth. She doesn't merely highlight the pain but offers tangible strategies for reclaiming one's narrative and forging a path toward healing.
In a world where the complexities of family dynamics often remain veiled in silence, Streep's voice emerges as a vital advocate for healing and self-discovery. I wholeheartedly recommend 'Daughter Detox' to anyone on a journey toward wholeness and authenticity.
Almost like a quote from a gothic novel, huh? Nope, real life folks.
Having journeyed through the pages of Peg Streep's 'Daughter Detox,' I can't help but resonate deeply with the profound insights and healing narratives shared within. Streep masterfully navigates the intricate complexities of mother-daughter relationships, providing readers like myself with both solace and actionable guidance.
This isn't just a book; it's a beacon of hope for those grappling with the emotional wounds left by an unloving mother. Streep's empathetic approach, combined with her extensive research, creates a safe space for introspection and growth. She doesn't merely highlight the pain but offers tangible strategies for reclaiming one's narrative and forging a path toward healing.
In a world where the complexities of family dynamics often remain veiled in silence, Streep's voice emerges as a vital advocate for healing and self-discovery. I wholeheartedly recommend 'Daughter Detox' to anyone on a journey toward wholeness and authenticity.
August 23, 2019
Just What I needed!
There is so much good I can honestly say that after decades of not feeling great about myself and gobs of therapy, this book was like a light calling me from that dark place that unloved daughters often live. In my second session with a new therapist, she recommended this book to me. All I can say is wow. Through this book, I have gained so many insights into myself and how I relate to others. Thank you for going where most won't speak about.
There is so much good I can honestly say that after decades of not feeling great about myself and gobs of therapy, this book was like a light calling me from that dark place that unloved daughters often live. In my second session with a new therapist, she recommended this book to me. All I can say is wow. Through this book, I have gained so many insights into myself and how I relate to others. Thank you for going where most won't speak about.
March 14, 2019
I appreciated this book so much. I'm grateful it exists. The stories, statistics and quotes were so affirming. It was eery how much others' stories mirrored my own. I admit I have not done too many of the exercises, but I know they are there! Eventually, I will get to them. Recommend slow reading. Much of the content contains things that might need to be defused.
September 24, 2020
I liked this book and it really helped mento understand that I’m not alone. I don’t recommend just reading this book, you should read this book alongside therapy because it can trigger sad memories. It’s great for reflection and to forgive yourself and your mother.
September 1, 2020
This was helpful and had a lot of good ideas.
July 22, 2021
Отличная книга, где по полкам все раскладывают.
Написана на доступном языке, с понятными жизненными примерами. И что радует ещё больше, так это то, что в книге не только раскрывают твои травмы, но и дают направление, как с этим бороться.
+ в конце книги есть практическое задание по каждой главе. Рекомендую делать его каждый раз после прочтения.
Написана на доступном языке, с понятными жизненными примерами. И что радует ещё больше, так это то, что в книге не только раскрывают твои травмы, но и дают направление, как с этим бороться.
+ в конце книги есть практическое задание по каждой главе. Рекомендую делать его каждый раз после прочтения.
June 28, 2023
Лучше, чем я ожидала. Для селф-хелп книги материал очень качественный и достаточно научный (хоть и утверждает себя не научным).
February 9, 2022
This book centers around grown women trying to understand their lived experiences, especially in childhood. Peg Streep seamlessly interweaves the experiences of many grown women, her own lived experiences, and various psychological studies. She writes in a way that made me feel like I was listening to a good friend I could trust and who was willing to offer thoughtful advice.
January 23, 2021
The book had some well researched information and nicely put together ideas about the mother/daughter wound, like the author's eight types of toxic mothers. I'm a fan of attachment theory as is Streep so all that worked for me.
Even though her book was about unloving mothers specifically, the impact of fathers upon the mothers in a patriarchal paradigm was basically untouched. In the years of my work, the internalized misogyny that ALL women carry (including myself) can have more or less weight in relation to a mother's mental health depending on the type of mate she has. More than a few women have Stockholm Syndrome and that plays out around the world in women carrying out the paradigm's ideas about the role of girls. For instance, in Africa, the genital mutilation is done only by the women to the young girls. That information often goes a long way in the healing of daughters when they realize this larger abstract at play.
The main reason I gave this book 3 stars was the circular repetition that made it a little hard to finish but also, it felt as if the author has some more work to do regarding her mother wound as I believe I detected an agenda here that made me 'distrust' some of the ideas or points made.
I wish this were an article so the information could be consolidated. Sadly, in this book form, I don't feel comfortable referring it to clients.
Even though her book was about unloving mothers specifically, the impact of fathers upon the mothers in a patriarchal paradigm was basically untouched. In the years of my work, the internalized misogyny that ALL women carry (including myself) can have more or less weight in relation to a mother's mental health depending on the type of mate she has. More than a few women have Stockholm Syndrome and that plays out around the world in women carrying out the paradigm's ideas about the role of girls. For instance, in Africa, the genital mutilation is done only by the women to the young girls. That information often goes a long way in the healing of daughters when they realize this larger abstract at play.
The main reason I gave this book 3 stars was the circular repetition that made it a little hard to finish but also, it felt as if the author has some more work to do regarding her mother wound as I believe I detected an agenda here that made me 'distrust' some of the ideas or points made.
I wish this were an article so the information could be consolidated. Sadly, in this book form, I don't feel comfortable referring it to clients.
January 2, 2020
It was hard, reading the book till the end. But In spite of the cruel reality, the book gives the right kind of hope: if I stop hoping the mother I had will ever become the mother I needed, I can still hope that I will be able to establish warm and caring relations with others. Babies cannot choose a mother, adults can choose to get love from anyone else in the world. False hopes are not helping, so let them go! Instead, I'll first will need to learn lessons that my mom never thought me, like the fact that I AM worth to be loved.... And another lesson to learn is that letting go the thought that I'm not lovable, will deprive her of the excuse she used for not loving me.... well, and thinking about that any further is putting her in the middle of my attention and energy again - I don't need to do that anymore.
Instead I need to think about me and about what I need to achieve growth in the quest of becoming a loving and beloved member of my world.... Will do!:-)
Instead I need to think about me and about what I need to achieve growth in the quest of becoming a loving and beloved member of my world.... Will do!:-)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 1, 2022
Wow. I can’t eloquently explain this book and do it justice. Insightful, touching, and the right balance of kind truth-telling and yet not letting you off the hook for your own actions. There were many things I needed to hear, that gave me great insight into my own behaviors. But more importantly the author gave me the tools to acknowledge them and move on rather than let them keep holding me back. The only thing I didn’t like was the title. I don’t think it does the book justice. It’s not so much “detox” - which I translate to purging - as it is knowledge and acceptance of how the early influences have such a lasting effect on you. You’ll never outrun your past, but you can learn to accept it for what it was.
August 30, 2020
I am surprisingly impressed by this book. It covers all the key areas in terms of moving forward from difficult mothers. The tactics described in the book are all the common technics; so there isn't any new content if you like reading about attachments, motivations, and techniques to manage ourselves. However, I still love this book, add it to my re-reads. I also score five stars as I found very difficult to find books on mother daughter relationships and appreciate the attempt; the content is very valuable for those daughters that really want to make a different in their lives and may not know where to begin.
October 8, 2021
This book is excellent for a multitude of reasons. I think so many people today suffer from the dynamic described by Streep but feel isolated and alone and therefore struggle with the concept with a way to heal and process their traumas. However, this book proves that not only are you NOT alone, but that there are science backed steps you can take (along with working with a therapist) to help you overcome your childhood and learn to love yourself. Streep is an excellent author and relates to her audience on a deep level while never forcing the reader to go in a certain direction. Would highly recommend to anyone who suffered from an unloving mother!
January 4, 2022
I've been seeking a book to help with the guilt of going 'no contact' with my mother. Its been 4 years now and it doesn't get any easier. Although this book doesn't specifically answer my personal questions and help with ALL my feelings (how could it?!) it does bring comfort, understanding (of myself) and very helpful advice. Self-compassion to counteract guilt, thinking about HOW you feel - not WHY, and the part about remuneration have been an incredible help to me. We must remember that no one has lived OUR story so any self-help book will not be a perfect fit, however, parts of it may just be what we need to guide us along our journey of healing and a quieter mind.
February 4, 2021
The topic is indeed taboo as the author pointed it out in the opening of the book. I am so relieved that I found this book. I did find some experience specific to location and race, but again the author had anticipated this by reminding the readers that each of unloved daughter’s experience is unique yet there are many common grounds.
To other fellow unloved daughters out there, read this one, and know that you are not alone!
To other fellow unloved daughters out there, read this one, and know that you are not alone!
November 28, 2021
It's fine as a book, but it has nothing new to add to the Parenting Self-Help section. Only half-a-chapter dedicated to the different kinds of toxic dads makes the content seem misogynistic. Women are expected to be mothers by default whereas men are not as pressured. It takes two to tango, so mothers are not entirely at fault. Finally, such self-help books put the entire responsibility of change on the reader. It takes a village to raise a child.
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