I Overcame My Autism and All I Got Was This Lousy Anxiety Disorder: A Memoir

by Sarah Kurchak

Sarah Kurchak is autistic. She hasn’t let that get in the way of pursuing her dream to become a writer, or to find love, but she has let it get in the way of being in the same room with someone chewing food loudly, and of cleaning her bathroom sink. In I Overcame My Autism and All I Got Was This Lousy Anxiety Disorder, Kurchak examines the Byzantine steps she took to become “an autistic success story,” how the process almost ruined her life and how she is now trying to recover.

Growing up undiagnosed in small-town Ontario in the eighties and nineties, Kurchak realized early that she was somehow different from her peers. She discovered an effective strategy to fend off bullying: she consciously altered nearly everything about herself—from her personality to her body language. She forced herself to wear the denim jeans that felt like being enclosed in a sandpaper iron maiden. Every day, she dragged herself through the door with an elevated pulse and a churning stomach, nearly crumbling under the effort of the performance. By the time she was finally diagnosed with autism at twenty-seven, she struggled with depression and anxiety largely caused by the same strategy she had mastered precisely. She came to wonder, were all those years of intensely pretending to be someone else really worth it?

Tackling everything from autism parenting culture to love, sex, alcohol, obsessions and professional pillow fighting, Kurchak’s enlightening memoir challenges stereotypes and preconceptions about autism and considers what might really make the lives of autistic people healthier, happier and more fulfilling.

Genres: Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Nonfiction, Memoir, Mental Health, Disability, Psychology, Audiobook

240 pages, Paperback

First published April 2, 2020

About the author

Sarah Kurchak is a writer and retired pillow fighter living in Toronto, Ontario. Her work as an autistic self advocate and essayist has appeared in Hazlitt, Catapult, and the Guardian, on CBC radio, and online on Medium, Vox, and Electric Literature. She is a graduate of the Humber School for Writers.

Reviews

[Diana Green · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is definitely the best book I've read about autism, and I learned more from it than in all my training to be a special education teacher. I appreciate the author's candor, intelligence, thoroughness, and thoughtfulness. She offers such a valuable perspective that our society very much needs to hear.

[Victoria · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm struggling with how to rate or review this one. On the one hand, it seems thematically hellbent on "I stumbled into some good luck but my life has still been miserable and will probably only get worse, don't be like me!" And on the other, the author has plainly made an effort to be as open as she can, and that's compelling.

"Most of the stories you hear about autistic people in media and art are either miserable tragedies or inspirational triumphs, while most of our real lives exist somewhere in between. With my book, I could finally introduce some much needed ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ into the conversation." (8%)

Unfortunately, her honesty often disintegrates into dire, self-hating rambling which leads me to question, I dunno, what's actually being accomplished here? And even more... where's the pride in everything you've accomplished, in everything you've survived? Pride in being who you are?

I also have some discomfort with this book's constant effort appeal to the "logic" of neurotypical readers, and how heavily it leans toward the opinions of non-autistic skeptics... when I don't think those viewpoints have much of value to contribute. e.g. There's a bit in the middle (@ 61%) where Kurchak says, "This is why I support people who are self-diagnosed as autistic. Sure, that can and does lead to some bored average weirdos carelessly mimicking an identity and disability because they might think it makes them look different or cool..." Really?? Why lend credibility to the stigmatizing, dismissive theory that anyone would pretend to be neurodivergent for shits and giggles?

Seems to me she's bending over backwards (here and in other parts of the book) to open her arms to people who have no intention of respecting her, and that's both self-destructive and harmful to autistic readers.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank goodness for whoever decided to release the memoir I overcame my Autism and all I got was this Lousy Anxiety Disorder by Sarah Kurchak early on April 2nd. I immediately downloaded the ebook, though hardcopies are also theoretically also currently available in Canada but shipping delays might keep you from getting it until May (because global pandemic). Americans who want a hard copy will have to wait for September 22 international publication date (hopefully no more pandemic).

Sarah’s memoir is written in the form of connected essays in the form of a “How To Succeed” while directly challenging the idea that she actually knows how to do that. The book is an important challenge to the concept of “overcoming autism” and is a necessary example of the consequences of giving in to the pressures of trying to perform “normalcy” in an attempt to fit in.

More narratives by autistic people are something the world really needs. If only to break the monotony and statistical inaccuracy of the stories (far to frequently fictional and inaccurate) of straight white autistic men. Author Sarah Kurchak tries to challenge the unreality of what the wider world thinks about autistic people (and I can only hope she succeeds in chipping away at that bullshit). One of the most important themes that she discusses in her memoir is the issue of being believed and how often autistic people are challenged on both their autisticness and the validity of their opinions and experiences in relation to relevance to the broader autistic community.

As she points out one of the biggest Autism charities which has a dearth of autistic people in influential roles is called Autism Speaks (an organization that is widely unpopular with actual autistic people).

As Sarah explains in the introduction about a neurotypical response to her as yet unpublished teen sex comedy (which I desperately hope becomes a real book someday soon) that it was “REAL and raw”

For as long as autistic narratives are dominated and controlled by others, these are the concerns that will fester in the pit of my stomach and the back of my brain every time I sit down at my laptop, start to rock from side to side, and write.I have no interest in being told that my writing is real. I need my work to tell you that I am.

This is but one of the first of many poignant quotes mixed with wry and often comical anecdotes while also dealing with serious and heart wrenchingexperiences. This book is not about “what it is like to be autistic” no matter how frequently I reacted with “yep, me too”. It is a challenge to that monolith. It is about Sarah as an individual among individuals who may share common struggles experienced in an unending variety of of ways in a world really not designed for us.

This book is unrecognizable within the genre of autism narratives and that is one of my favourite things about it. I genuinely hope to see more books not like it but which also challenge the far to prevalent monolithic view of autistic people but as individuals whose stories matter outside the niche genre of autistic narratives.

The book is funny, sad, and serious and I highly recommend it as a really good read to absolutely everyone.

I Overcame My Autism and All I Got Was This Lousy Anxiety Disorder: A Memoir is available in ebook and paperback in Canada from Indigo and Amazon

It is available in ebook form in the United States from Amazon and will be available in paperback on September 22.

We’re all stuck inside anyway so why not read a really good book.

[Writer's Relief · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many autism narratives focus on either the tragic or the inspirational and are told by non-autistic parents or experts who study autistic behaviors. But essayist Sarah Kurchak, who is on the spectrum herself, reclaims the autistic narrative with her memoir I OVERCAME MY AUTISM AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY ANXIETY DISORDER.

In this book of insightful essays, Kurchak describes her childhood growing up as an undiagnosed autistic whose parents were often indulgent and supportive. She also writes about numerous issues facing the autistic community, such as the anti-vaccine movement (and the debunked theory that vaccines cause autism); coping with sensory overload; and how autism is portrayed in the media (specifically the film RAIN MAN). Kurchak’s writing is passionately political, deeply personal, intelligent, and raw. She is frank about how difficult it was (and still is) for autistic writers to tell their own stories, while media by non-autistic creators such as THE GOOD DOCTOR and ATYPICAL gains popularity and visibility. Her essays about masking and special interests are especially insightful and compelling. And Kurchak’s final essay in the book about the various trips she took to Las Vegas with her mother is especially heartbreaking.

Kurchak’s book is a treat because it’s incredibly rare for someone on the autism spectrum to tell their own story. She shows that autistic lives don’t have to be either tragic or inspirational—they can be human, flawed, and complicated. And their stories should be told by the individuals who are living them.

[Aaden Friday · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m still unlearning lessons that were taught to me as a child and teen. I’m still struggling with the reality that experiences I had that were actual trauma points in my life should still affect me at age 37. “Just get over it already” is a distortion I don’t want or believe in but is still a nuisance in my head that I can’t turn off or completely drown out with The Cranberries, rewatching Felicity or the Golden Girls for the trillionth time, or caring for the way too many (but not nearly enough) plants I have crammed into my tiny apartment.

♫ But then there’s Maude ♫, no, but then there’s Sarah's brilliant memoir. Every time I read her work I feel validated and empowered to be my weird, passionate, creative self, and at times, a self-deprecating mess just trying to muddle through without harming others. I love her truth telling, passions and how she approaches this oftentimes miserable reality of being alive when none of us asked for it. I love how her mind works and I’ve never felt so connected to someone I kind of know even though we have, at times, totally different experiences. I feel sincerely honored to be lucky enough to read a book that makes me feel less alone and less wrong and more energized; a book that helps quiet the self-gaslighting voices and helps me feel a bit less (self-described) crazy.

One person’s journey navigating life as a late-diagnosed autistic adult will never and can never be everyone’s journey, and no matter the topic, no book is for everyone. But I hope everyone at least attempts to read this, because we need more stories like this one in the world.

[Sara Rocha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book about Autism I ever read. I'm autistic and this is the book I wish everyone would read. Can't recommend it enough.

[Jes Battis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is lovely. Autism representation tends to skew towards cis straight guys, so it's valuable to have a perspective that discusses gender and sexuality. Kurchak's essays are hilarious, thoughtful, and full of great points about neurodiversity that sneak in through the humor. I quote this book constantly and wish I could travel back and time and give it to my confused teen self. It's 1000x more valuable than the pile of textbooks about autism written by non-autistic psychiatrists who see our lives as some kind of theory. Kurchak weaves in advice with relatably embarrassing stories about social failures, simultaneously disarming the reader while educating them. Reading this felt like having a conversation with a friend on the spectrum who just got it.

[Andy Boyd · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would highly recommend this book to anyone interested in the experience of being an autistic adult. I'm autistic myself and I identified with many, many points in this book. There's something really wonderful about seeing your own experiences reflected back to you, but Kurchak writes in a way that I would assume would be accessible to NTs as well.

[Nathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

As an autistic person diagnosed around the age of 35, I was delighted to find this book. A little wary of the title going in -- just how tongue in cheek is it? -- but that's okay. Of the various books, blogs, and facebook groups and youtube channels I've sought out on the subject, this is maybe the one that hews closest to my own truth. How much did it reveal to me about myself? I'm not sure. Probably not a whole lot, but I am reminded of a bit from David Wojnarowicz's memoir: "I want to make somebody feel less alienated – that's the most meaningful thing to me. I think part of what informs this book is the pain of having grown up for years and years believing I was from another planet. We can all affect each other, by being open enough to make each other feel less alienated." There's a lot of value, I think, just in knowing that one's not alone. Especially, maybe, for people who have spent our whole lives feeling that we don't fit in with other people, and that even when empirically we do seem to fit in it is usually coming at the expense of many spoons. So, yes, there is much to be said for hearing from other people parallel paths, and bonus points for it being well written. Also, I now have a book I can send to family members who maybe don't really understand what autism means aside from whatever imagery they've carried over from pop culture of the 80s and 90s, and who have difficulty squaring me with that.

[Catherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although I'd never heard of Sarah Kurchak before reading this book, she wrote an article in 2015 titled  I’m Autistic, And Believe Me, It’s A Lot Better Than Measles (subtitle: Vaccines don’t cause autism. But even if they did, is being like me really a fate worse than death?) which is what I have been saying about the fucking anti-vax movement all along, too! Ever since then, she's been trying to explain that she doesn't speak for or represent every autistic person, with her words often falling on covered ears. However, writing about her personal experiences with autism eventually led to an offer to write a book. After her first ideas (an autistic teen sex comedy and a "novella about Plato, Socrates, professional wrestling and homoerotic fanfiction") were politely dismissed, she proposed a memoir/essay collection with this title.

So here you have my fifteen uneasy steps to an autistic "success" story. You're welcome to call this real. I hope you do. Just please don't try this at home.

The chapters, Steps One through Fifteen, have tongue-in-cheek self-help directions such as "Step One: Be born to Jane and Dan Kurchak" (maybe not replicable for most, but her parents sound pretty awesome) and "Step Five: Work and socialize with people who are arguably less normal than you are" (which I personally have always found makes life better). "Step 8: Drink" and "Step 9: Fail" are followed by "Step 11: Write a story about vaccines. Never hear the end of it." (See link above.) Ms. Kurchak's recounting of her life and experiences ranges from very general to uncomfortably intimate, all thankfully coated in a lot of sarcasm and self-deprecating humor and interspersed with information about her unique interests, such as "Step Seven: Find a healthy outlet for your identity crisis. Like professional pillow fighting" and "Step Twelve: Burn out and watch 105 episodes of a 50-year-old TV show." 

While Ms. Kurchak is sick of trying to convince people that she's "really autistic," simply because her support needs are relatively low, she apparently felt a lot of pressure from her publishers to divulge, divulge, divulge. Additionally, she struggles with anxiety and depression, which are all too common for autistic people trying to fit into a world that wants them to change to fit the "regular" world instead of making accommodations. Which is to say that being allowed inside her head can be very dark. (Consider that fair warning if you're not up for reading some of her rock-bottom thoughts.) When I finished the book, I was genuinely worried about how the pandemic has affected her, so I consulted the interwebs.  She interviewed herself in April 2020, which gave me a (kind of out-of-date) update on her, but also serves as a good introduction if you're trying to decide whether this book is for you. (She also appears to be alive and well on Twitter.) Her interview with herself ends with this:

That seems like an encouraging note to end on! Is there anything else you’d like to add, anything you’d like people to know about you or your book before we wrap this up?
I just hope that people appreciate it. I’d love it if people thought that I was funny. But maybe it’s more important that they think it’s thoughtful. I hope that the people I wrote it for find it valuable. I hope that my goal to use my individual story to try to address some bigger issues that concern many autistic people wasn’t a complete failure. And this is a big ask, but I hope people buy it, because fuck knows what else I’m going to do with my life now.
Also, I should probably clarify: I do not speak for all autistic people. I will not try to. I do not want to. I wish to be a voice/face of autism in a much greater, more nuanced and diverse conversation, not the voice or face of autism.

(This was a really difficult review for me to write. While I loved the book overall, I really struggled with some of the darker parts. I identify with some of her experiences, in my own life and my son's, but we also have some very different perspectives and experiences. She also made me more aware of how much I mask and dissociate as coping mechanisms.)

[Heather Chan · Rating 1 out of 5]

Such a disappointment. The author rehashes topical issues in the neurodiversity world but skates on the surface and doesn’t add anything new to the conversation. The writing style is disjointed and self-conscious, painfully trying too hard to be clever and to set some kind of badass tone. As a late-diagnosed autistic woman — a Canadian and Torontonian, no less — I went into this ready to cheer on the author and with a much less critical mindset than I would normally bring to my reading, wanting to overlook potential flaws, but I still found the book unbearably annoying. I just skimmed the last four chapters after fighting my way that far to give it a fair shake. It’s not often I find a book to be unreadable (I am a book finisher under almost all circumstances) but this was close.

[Elizabeth Chorney-Booth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is extraordinary. It's so rare to read a memoir where an author — autistic or not — is able to so thoroughly share the intricacies of their internal experiences, and Sarah Kurchak manages to do it in a way that's relatable, empathetic, and delightfully funny.

[Connie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nominee for the OLA’s Evergreen Award

I want to start this review with two disclaimers: I am not autistic and I acknowledge the author's disclaimer at the beginning of the book. A work by an autistic writer should not only be recognized as "real" when neurotypical readers identify with it; the experiences of other neurodivergent readers are significantly more important. I encourage everyone to check out other reviews for this book by neurodivergent readers and acknowledge that publishing has a serious gatekeeping problem.

I picked up Kurchak's book because it was a) on the Evergreen Award List, b) because I have a female friend who was recently diagnosed with high-functioning autism, and c) I've long been opposed to using school success as a metric if someone is "okay" (one of the key criteria which results in underdiagnoses of females with autism). I was looking to learn and be educated about the lives of adults with high-functioning autism. I did, with a whole host of funny jokes, and a memoir written in a way that I will remember.

What grabbed me right away was that Kurchak also cannot stand the scent of laundry detergent. She has "a sensitivity to scent strong enough that going near the laundry detergent aisle while shopping caused a level of discomfort in [her] chest that [she] didn't know how to explain, so [she] called it heartburn" and I only curl up in a ball far away and am not functional until the scent goes away. She also hates the TTC: "the thought of using public transit has made [her] forget how to regulate [her] breathing" , where the thought of the TTC only makes me want to vomit. Both of these sensory stimuli evoke negative responses in both of us, but I was able to see the angle Kurchak was coming from (see disclaimer above).

What kept me going in Kurchak's book was the ongoing discussion regarding how we "treat" autism. There's entire studies on trying to make autistic people lie as "apparently we [autistic individuals] can't understand that other people have other thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. And we assume that everyone can read our minds. And it's a great victory if we overcome those failings and... lie to your face." . It's followed up by "as long as the world we live in continues to prioritize how we appear over how we really are, and as long as seeming fine is confused with being fine , this will continue to happen" .

I entered Kurchak's book with my own biases and opinions about the bolded part of the sentence above, mostly shaped by my classmates and mine's experience with mental health in university. Whether or not a student was failing a class was used as a triage method, not the condition of the student's mental health. This conversation regarding who gets help, who has access to help, and who is flagged for help, especially when they're not a white male, is what motivated me to make Kurchak's book the first book nominated for the Evergreen Award I picked up this year.

I also really enjoyed the discussion surrounding "when we [autistic adults] bring up the need for treatments and support that are more about helping us thrive as we are opposed to just making it look like we are, we're not doing so because we think these things are easy." . I also came into this issue biased, I have family members with permanent disabilities (both physical and mental). I absolutely hate the conversation when I need to explain there is no "better" to be obtained; that's not how a permanent disability works. Explaining the things we do as a family to adapt and allow everyone to thrive given their current capabilities isn't less worthy than praying for a cure. Being neurotypical and able-bodied isn't inherently "better" than being neurodivergent and physically disabled. It might be easier to navigate this world, yes, but that's a problem with the world and not an evaluation of human worth.

There's also glimmers of a conversation which Kurchak cut from the book: "I don't even want my example to reinforce any standards that hold romantic or sexual love above all others." If Kurchak wrote fifteen more essays about that topic alone, I would read it in a heartbeat. That quote has been living in my brain and a feeling in my heart ever since I was twelve.

I entered Kurchak's book politically and socially aware and willing to be educated by an adult with high-functioning autism. It was told in a way which I will remember going forwards and I will do my best to apply what I have learned to my interactions with individuals. And yes, sometimes I do this too, "sometimes I choose to stay put because going outside doesn't entirely deserve it's good reputation."

[Sarah (more.books.than.days) · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are a few reasons why I'm completely in love with his book...

1. Sarah communicates as much as possible with a view on intersectionality. She lets the reader know all along the way, how her privilege and personal experiences impact her view, and reminds us not to see her as anything more than one of many autistic voices that NEED to be heard.

2. The essay format is one of my favourite memoir styles. Her dry wit, and fantastically graceful prose makes reading easy. The storytelling has me laughing and 'Oh no-ing' out loud as I read.

3. My brother is autistic, and this is the first book I've read that so clearly voices stories about how non-autistic people tend to treat neurodiverse individuals.
As a child, I was often congratulated for being 'such a good sister', or told 'it's too bad' he's that way, or asked if I ever wished my brother was 'normal'. The answer is NO... because then he wouldn't be my brother. That answer shouldn't make me a saint either. I was never cheated out of a 'proper sibling', but I spent much of my childhood trying to teach (mostly adults) that my brother is human, and he has deep thoughts and feelings, even if he doesn't share them the way they want him to.

4. Hannah Gadsby read it, and liked it too. DONE AND DONE. (She's my favourite comedian. I could watch her special, Douglas, every day, like my brother watches COPS on repeat, and never get tired of it).

5. This isn't a textbook about autism. It's a memoir about a person who has autism. It opens up vital conversations, but it's also just a genuinely good read.

[K]

I really enjoyed this memoir from Sarah Kurchak! It does an excellent job of bringing you into the author's brain/body/feelings and also presents lots of interesting arguments and ideas in convincing ways! Basically some great melded memoir/essayistic think piece-y writing. Super important stuff! Also Hannah Gadsby said it was "a treat to read" and that she'd recommend it to anyone "who struggles to connect to the world, even if you don't call that struggle Autism" and I totally agree!

[Jorge Castillo · Rating 5 out of 5]

I may be bias since Sarah is a good friend, but this book is excellent at providing insight about living with autism (especially to us neurotypicals) while remaining compelling throughout.

[Lauren · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pretty soon after starting this, I knew it wasn't going to be a 4 or 5 star read. Why I continued listening to the 8-hour audiobook, you ask? I'm not sure I know the answer to that myself, but it may be my need for completion, wanting to have read all autistic memoirs eventually.

I struggled to concentrate on this and connect to it. I'm not sure what it is about the book that makes it so hard to read, but it just wasn't for me. I find it hard to listen to someone write/talk about their special interests (wrestling, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.) if those things are the opposite of interesting to me, but that's my problem, I guess.
The only part that really, truly spoke to me was a bit at the end when the author describes a phone call to her husband where she is completely panicked about her future and her neurology. That was super relatable, and I loved the emotional way the narrator handled the scene.

Disclaimer: I am a late-diagnosed autistic person with moderate to high support needs.

[Alanna Why · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Observe. Mimic. Overanalyze. Catastrophize. Observe some more. Try again. Resort to self-flagellation and self-torture as necessary. Repeat.”

Published last year, I Overcame My Autism and All I Got Was This Lousy Anxiety Disorder is a memoir-in-essays by Toronto-based writer, Sarah Kurchak. The book describes her life living with autism, from when she was an undiagnosed child in the GTA, to getting a diagnosis at 27 and its impact on the last decade of her life, in addition to her working as a freelance music writer and fitness instructor.

I liked this collection a lot! As someone who has been trying to learn more about neurodiversity, I really enjoyed learning more about autism from her perspective. I loved how she used personal stories to illustrate issues such as sensory overload, masking, special interests and autistic burn-out. I also learned a lot about autism that I didn’t know before, such as how it relates to anxiety, depression, gender and sexuality. She is also just a super funny and tongue-in-cheek writer, and I really appreciated her sense of humour.

In particular, I really liked the essay about how she joined a professional pillow fighting league and used her character to learn more about herself. I also really liked her essay about how re-watching all 105 episodes of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. in a month got her out of a burn-out slump. Overall, I’d recommend this collection if you’re interested in neurodiversity, mental health memoirs, or learning more about autism.

[KA · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably the most relatable book I've ever read. I laughed (a lot), I cried (at the end, when Kurchak talks about feeling like she's running out of time, maybe losing abilities she once had as her sensory issues become more intense). I would recommend this without hesitation to anyone who thinks they might be autistic and to folks who want to know more about what it feels like to be autistic...from the inside. I'd also recommend it to anyone who finds other people interesting.

[Sinistmer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I quite enjoyed this book. Kurchak is really funny and knows how to get her point across. She gave me a lot to think about in terms of how I relate to the world.

Fans of Allie Brosh and Jenny Lawson will enjoy this, and readers who want to learn more about autism and/or disability activism would do well to check this out.

[Lisa's Book Corner · Rating 5 out of 5]

An informative and insight book. Kurchak is a good, no great, writer. Her style is straightforward and engaging; she can convey nuanced and complex issues with ease and clarity. I particularly appreciated her insight into the conversation style of people who are on the spectrum and the trouble with AWPs, Autistic Warrior Parents. Definitely recommend.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not really a book I can critique but one I completely enjoyed and highly recommend! Told in a series of personal essays about one woman's experience being neuro divergent and living with an autism diagnosis (only officially received later in life). A witty, intelligently written book highlighting her own experience living as a high functioning person on the spectrum. She does a great job drawing the line between sharing her personal lived experiences and not gratuitously catering to people who constantly want her to prove she's "autistic enough." The style of this book reminded me a lot of fellow Canadian, Amanda Leduc's Disfigured, and the work she does highlighting the challenges, diversity and positive experiences of people living with disabilities. At the very beginning Sarah says "I have no interest in being told that my writing is real. I need my work to tell you that I am." This is a great book showing how varied people on the spectrum's experiences are, while also discussing many common challenges autistic people as a group deal with, including having healthy interpersonal and sexual relationships, alcohol and/or drug abuse, mental health struggles, support getting diagnosed, acceptance from mainstream society, fatigue from "masking" (trying to fit in or pass as neurotypical), among others. This book is also a 2021 Evergreen Award finalist which is super exciting for Sarah!

Favorite quotes:
"I do not speak for all autistic people. I will not try to. I do not want to. I wish to be a voice or face of autism in a much greater, nuanced and diverse conversation, not the voice or face of autism."

"Most of the stories you hear about autistic people in media, in art, are either miserable tragedies or inspirational triumphs. While most of our real lives exist somewhere in between."

"Too many of us slip through the cracks. Too many of us push ourselves past our limits for years. Too many of us are unaware of what we're doing."

"What people are really doing when they're trying to determine if I'm really autistic is figure out if I make them uncomfortable or sad enough to count. If I show any coping skills, any empathy, any likability, any fun, essentially any humanity, I complicate the narrative too much and usually end up ignored."

[Aubrey · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book as I've been working on engaging in more autistic perspectives, and consuming content by actually autistc people. I would reccommend this author's articles that I've read, but I wouldn't reccommend this book to actually autistic people who have already done their own research. At best, this could be an introductory insight to neurotypical people. It does include surface level descriptions of various aspects of the autistic experiences or traits of autistc people, but in my opinion could have been edited down to a long article and gotten the same out of it with some time saved reading.

Overall, it was difficult to find any meaning or story over the seemingly surface level explanations of the author's experience. I wished it had dug deeper into her experiences/feelings and how she actually grew to accept herself as an autistic person, or even if not delving into her own emotional journey, further into the experiences themselves, but instead I found it was a very generalized overview of her life with a touch of history on some of the articles she's written, and clogged up by what I felt to be unnecessary inner dialogue that didn't seem to actually go anywhere or really say anything.

This feels like it reads as more of a first draft of an English class assignment, especially with the element of the footnotes. I think it was supposed to be a quirky little add-on, and could potentially read that way to some, but for me, added to the chaos of the inner dialogue I was already struggling to follow.

[Bailey · Rating 1 out of 5]

I feel mean. This is my first one-star rating on this site. More often than not, when I feel a book slipping below the 3-star range, I will let it go. I feel worse about finishing a book I didn't like/giving a poor review than I do about DNFing one. I usually am of the idea that it just isn't the book for me and am happy to accept that and move on.
However, I got pretty excited for this one, and feel like I kind of am the exact target audience for this. An autistic, nonfiction/memoir loving, nerdy queer girl. I found a few bits I related to and learned from, but by and large I found this really hard to get through. Normally I'd DNF it, but by the time I realized I wasn't really enjoying it it felt a waste to not finish. The result of that decision was me skimming half.. er- quarterheartedly through the last 20% or so. I just unfortunately didn't find most of these stories or experiences particularly moving, entertaining, educational or relatable, which is really all I'm looking for in a memoir.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this one!
Kurchak has written an impressive, important memoir of living with autism and anxiety.
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Sarah Kurchak always felt she was different from others. Through interconnected essays, she shares of her struggles growing up, battling bullies, trying to fit in no matter how physically and mentally uncomfortable it made her, and so much more about living with autism and anxiety. I appreciated her cander, how she brings to light what it feels like to live in her body, and the way her brain works, very eye opening! Books like this are so important. Bringing more awareness and understanding to the many faces of autism.
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This is out now, highly recommend checking it out if your curious at all about what its like having/living with autism and anxiety.
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Thank You to the tagged publisher for sending me this book, opinions are my own.
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[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was... good, I guess? In that Kurchak is a good writer, she has meaningful and relevant things to say, and I'm glad to see another autistic writer telling her own story. And the stuff about the Pillow Fighting League was pretty delightful.

But it also seemed so... hopeless? If that's Kurchak's experience, I'm not going to deny it, but I wish she had been able to fill a bit more hopeful about her own life. Her memoir just left me feeling exhausted.

[Katy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish everyone who knows me could read this book. Never have I found an account of being autistic that has quite so expertly delineated my experience. Sarah Kurchak combines her life experiences within the larger context of autism and while this is only just one experience in a slew of thousands, it really resonated with me.

[DW Rowlands · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a quite funny and occasionally depressing autism memoir, and I enjoyed reading it, though it may actually be more important and useful for neurotypicals to read: Ms. Kurchak does a good job of describing autistic struggles and experiences to people suffering from allism, I think.

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great memoir – as another late diagnosed autistic woman, I felt seen and represented, which is not a common occurrence. I'm very grateful for this book and I keep suggesting it to all my friends!

[Deanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Relatable and validating.