Selections from the Filmography of James O. Incandenza:
“It could be your glucocorticoids.” - Year of the Ectopic Heartbeat Dubstep Frequency Crowd Dispersal Device (?) Sex Panther Entertainment Unlimited/X-Ray and Infrared Photography by Marvin McGroin’s Medicinal Anthrax Soft Shell Tacos Incorporated, Amarillo, TX. The Ultimate Warrior (John Brian “Jim” Hellwig), Robert Sapolsky (Bill Sapolsky), Jennifer (Jen), Jim (Jim Cornette). George “The Animal” Steele (The Animal Himself). Lucious Malfoy (Jason Isaacs). Listed by some archivists as completed the following year, Y.T.-S.D.B. UNRELEASED
Film begins silent. A naked man (George 'The Animal' Steele) is sitting in a nondescript room, stress eating Toblerones. Weeping. His body visibility wracked with anguish as tributaries of warm nougat and honey stochastically traverse the lumpy topology of his hirsute torso. Twisting and bifurcating. His chest and stomach tattooed with a network of lines the color of Swiss mocha, all converging inexorably on the tenebrous vortex of his navel, where their flavors may be lost forever, beyond the event horizon, or else re-congealed into a perfect orb of Toblerone, sans almonds, and shot into another dimension. Adjacent, a dog-eared copy of Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers and several disemboweled turnbuckles. Robert Sapolsky (Bill Sapolsky) breaks the silence with susurrus of a glucocorticoidical nature, causing the tremulous bulk of the seated figured (George “The Animal” Steele) to quake with continued sobs.
"Primates are super smart and organized just enough to devote their free time to being miserable to each other and stressing each other out. But if you get chronically, psychosocially stressed, you're going to compromise your health. So, essentially, we've evolved to be smart enough to make ourselves sick."
Scene transitions to ringside view with J. (Yours truly) and Jim (Jim Cornette) commentating on the arrival of the main event; The Ultimate Warrior (John Brian “Jim” Hellwig) vs. Robert Sapolsky (Bill Sapolsky). In a flourish of flash bang pyrotechnics, The Ultimate Warrior (James Brian “Jim” Hellwig) emerges from backstage like a shaved mule with rainbow plumages fastened and KISS makeup applied. A creature built for carnage. Canines bared in atavistic rage. Nostrils flared to pump Cretaceous levels of oxygen into his swollen musculature.
“Here he comes, Jen.”
“Implacable. Like a force of nature, Jim.”
“A goddamn man mountain, Jen.”
“A veritable mountain of man, Jim.
“Right you are, Jen.
“A being like unto all that was glorious about the era of hair metal, processed and packed into a latex baggie like a summer sausage, Jim.
“Would you just look at that sausage, Jen.”
“An ultra thin condom glistening with obscene amounts of spermicide and stuffed to bursting with walnuts, Jim.”
“Get a load of the vascularity, I mean, would you just look at that, Jen.”
“It’s almost sickening, Jim.”
“I’m a little sick, Jen.”
“I may throw up right here. Watch me, Jim.”
“So help me, if you go, then I go, Jen.”
“I’m more frightened than sick, Jim.”
“I’ll piss myself. You know I’ll do it, Jen.”
“Not again. Stay strong, Jim.”
“I’m clenching, Jen.”
“I’m sympathetically clenching, Jim.”
“Hnnnnnnnnnng.”
“Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng”
The Ultimate Warrior (James Brian “Jim” Hellwig), while striding down the walkway, is flagged by an uppity fan. Lucious Malfoy (Jason Isaacs) resplendent in anti-muggle apparel, is heard to sneer: “Your mother has chronically elevated glucocorticoids.”
“He’s got him by the robes, Jim.”
“By the balls too, Jen.”
“I can confirm that a massive hand is firmly on the hog, Jim.”
“Just look at those hands, Jen.”
“There he goes, Jim!”
“Good God! Would you just look at that parabola, Jen!”
“Like a comet of white hair trailing popcorn and Chardonnay, Jim”
In the center of the ring Robert Sapolsky (Robert Maurice Sapolsky, the John A. and Cynthia Fry Gunn Professor of Biological Sciences, and Professor of Neurology and Neurological Sciences, and by courtesy, Neurosurgery, at Stanford University. In addition, research associate at the National Museums of Kenya.) Takes up a mic and continues:
"The stress response is incredibly ancient evolutionarily. Fish, birds and reptiles secrete the same stress hormones we do, yet their metabolism doesn't get messed up the way it does in people and other primates. Just look at the dichotomy between what your body does during real stress—for example, something is intent on eating you and you're running for your life—versus what your body does when you're turning on the same stress response for months on end for purely psychosocial reasons. You mobilize energy in your thigh muscles, you increase your blood pressure and you turn off everything that's not essential to surviving, such as digestion, growth and reproduction. You think more clearly, and certain aspects of learning and memory are enhanced. All of that is spectacularly adapted if you're dealing with an acute physical stressor—a real one."
The Ultimate Warrior (John Brian “Jim” Hellwig) grabs hold of the ropes and shakes them violently.
“Would you just look at that intensity, Jen.”
“It’s as if he’s grabbed hold of a live wire, Jim.”
“Strong current flowing through that man, Jen.”
“A mesmerizing vibrational frequency of fixed amplitude is emerging, Jim”
“It’s enough to deter a slop-hound from mounting a gut-wagon, Jen.”
“Well said. Any further attempts to waller in viscera will be met with extreme electrification, Jim.
“Electrification, Jen.”
“He’s got the mic, Jim!”
“I came here for one reason — to attack and keep coming. Not to ask but just to give, not to want but just to sing, sing the power of the Warrior, because this freak of nature right here is just beginning to swell, and when I get big enough, brother, there ain’t gonna be room for anybody else but me and all the Warriors floating through the veins.”
"If you turn on the stress response chronically for purely psychological reasons,” Sapolsky admonishes. “You increase your risk of adult onset diabetes and high blood pressure. If you're chronically shutting down the digestive system, there's a bunch of gastrointestinal disorders you're more at risk for as well."
“I WAS SENT IN A CAPSULE FROM A PLACE NOT FROM HERE AND I CAME HERE FOR ONE REASON: TO ATTACK AND KEEP COMIN'. NOT TO ASK, BUT JUST TO GIVE. NOT TO WANT, BUT JUST TO SEND!”
"Furthermore,” Sapolsky counters. “If you're chronically stressed, all sorts of aspects of brain function are impaired, including, at an extreme, making it harder for some neurons to survive neurological insults. Also, neurons in the parts of the brain relating to learning, memory and judgment don't function as well under stress. That particular piece is what my lab has spent the last 20 years on." The Warrior, seeming terrible confused, opens the floor. "If you plan to get stressed like a normal mammal, you had better turn on the stress response or else you're dead. But if you get chronically, psychosocially stressed, like a Westernized human, then you are more at risk for heart disease and some of the other leading causes of death in Westernized life." The Warrior, having it up to here with relentless mumbo jumbo, explodes, drawing himself up and towering over the diminutive smarty pants, pectorals dancing in rhythmic electrochemical spasms.
LODGED IN MY SKULL ... WAS A PIECE OF THE CRYSTAL OF YOUR KINGDOM! YOUR MADNESS! THEY SAID, "BUT WARRIOR, IT'S LODGED INSIDE YOUR SKULL," AND I SAID, "SEW IT IN! LEAVE IT WHERE IT LAYS!"
"We are capable of social supports that no other primate can even dream of," Sapolsky says. "For example, I might say, 'This job, where I'm a lowly mailroom clerk, really doesn't matter. What really matters is that I'm the captain of my softball team or deacon of my church'—that sort of thing. It's not just somebody sitting here, grooming you with their own hands. We can actually feel comfort from the discovery that somebody on the other side of the planet is going through the same experience we are and feel, I'm not alone. We can even take comfort reading about a fictional character, and there's no primate out there that can feel better in life just by listening to Beethoven. So the range of supports that we're capable of is extraordinary."
“I look up to the gods, and when you fall below the skeletons of the Warriors past, the power of the Warriors will become the eight wonder of the woooorrrrrldddd!!! Normal people, the people that walk the streets every day, we cannot understand. The family that I live for only breathes the air that smells of combat. With or without the face-paint I am the Ultimate Warrioooooorrrr!!! How must I prepare, you must ask yourself. Should I jump off the tallest building in the world? Should I lay on the lawn and let them run over me with lawn-mowers? Should I go to Africa and let them trample me with raging elephants? In my final meeting with the gods from the heavens above, they spoke to me and hit me with the power of the Ultimate Warrior. They told me: action stage left, action stage right. There is no place to run, all the fuses in the exit signs have burnt out. Aaaaarrgghhh, you can feel it dude. You can feel it! Full of the juice that carries the spaceship as far as it wants to go! Because when the moon is blood red the heavens have opened up from above and the Warriors have spoken. You’ve got the power to make the skies rumble and the earth shake. In the sheets of the wind, then I will survive. Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel, load it with the Warriors. With the command of my voice I raise the level of the Warriors to one that can’t be reproduced. Dig your claws into my organs, scratch into my tendons, bury your anchors into my bones, for the power of the Warrior will always prevaaaaaiiiiiilllll. By now all the little Warriors know that the power of the Ultimate Warrior is something that you want to feel, that you want to taste. It’s something that when you turn on that TV screen or when you buy a ticket to the Arenas you know that’ it’s going to be exciting and it might even be a little bit frightening. Now you must deal with the creation of all the un-pleasantries of the entire universe as I feel the injection from the gods above. I only know that the Ultimate Warrior is totally out of controoooooooolllll. Come on in where nightmares are the best part of my daaaaaaaayyyyyy. I live for anger and frustration. Combat is where I will be.”
“I’m peeing, Jen.”
“Me too, Jim.”