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Work Mate Marry Love: How Machines Shape Our Human Destiny
"A crucial guide to life before—and after—Tinder, IVF, and robots.
What will happen to our notions of marriage and parenthood as reproductive technologies increasingly allow for newfangled ways of creating babies? What will happen to our understanding of gender as medical advances enable individuals to transition from one set of sexual characteristics to another, or to remain happily perched in between? What will happen to love and sex and romance as our relationships migrate from the real world to the Internet? Can people fall in love with robots? Will they? In short, what will happen to our most basic notions of humanity as we entangle our lives and emotions with the machines we have created?
In Work Mate Marry Love, Harvard Business School professor and former Barnard College president Debora L. Spar offers an incisive and provocative account of how technology has transformed our intimate lives in the past, and how it will do so again in the future. Surveying the course of history, she shows how marriage as we understand it resulted from the rise of agriculture, and that the nuclear family emerged with the industrial revolution. In their day, the street light, the car, and later the pill all upended courtship and sex. Now, as we enter an era of artificial intelligence and robots, how will our deepest feelings and attachments evolve?
In the past, the prevailing modes of production produced a world dominated by heterosexual, mostly-monogamous, two-parent families. In the future, however, these patterns are almost certain to be reshaped, creating entirely new norms for sex and romance, and for the construction of families and the raising of children. Steering clear of both techno-euphoria and alarmism, Spar offers a bold and inclusive vision of how our lives might be changed for the better."
What will happen to our notions of marriage and parenthood as reproductive technologies increasingly allow for newfangled ways of creating babies? What will happen to our understanding of gender as medical advances enable individuals to transition from one set of sexual characteristics to another, or to remain happily perched in between? What will happen to love and sex and romance as our relationships migrate from the real world to the Internet? Can people fall in love with robots? Will they? In short, what will happen to our most basic notions of humanity as we entangle our lives and emotions with the machines we have created?
In Work Mate Marry Love, Harvard Business School professor and former Barnard College president Debora L. Spar offers an incisive and provocative account of how technology has transformed our intimate lives in the past, and how it will do so again in the future. Surveying the course of history, she shows how marriage as we understand it resulted from the rise of agriculture, and that the nuclear family emerged with the industrial revolution. In their day, the street light, the car, and later the pill all upended courtship and sex. Now, as we enter an era of artificial intelligence and robots, how will our deepest feelings and attachments evolve?
In the past, the prevailing modes of production produced a world dominated by heterosexual, mostly-monogamous, two-parent families. In the future, however, these patterns are almost certain to be reshaped, creating entirely new norms for sex and romance, and for the construction of families and the raising of children. Steering clear of both techno-euphoria and alarmism, Spar offers a bold and inclusive vision of how our lives might be changed for the better."
352 pages, Hardcover
First published August 18, 2020
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435 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
March 17, 2021
"I believe that at one time they were actually COMPELLED to do some such work, because they, especially the women, got so ugly and produced such ugly children if their disease was not treated sharply, that the neighbours couldn't stand it. However, I'm happy to say that all that is gone by now; the disease is either extinct, or exists in such a mild form that a short course of aperient medicine carries it off."
---"News From Nowhere, 1890"
"Work Mate Marry Love" , a titillating title, attempts to give a progressive insight from a progressive/Marx perspective on how technology is uprooting traditional structure of companionship, child-rearing, sexual activity, traditional identity and aging. Although, I didn't expect the book to be data-driven, it feels at both too empty, too wanting to please its reader, and really more about wish fulfillment than charting AI's indomitable ascension.
Although, I want to be open to hearing any political perspective I was really put off by the book's elitism. In the chapter "Transitions", multiple pages are given to pronouns and gender/sexual preferences and critical theory. And yet it is only a few chapters back in reference to Trump/Brexit supporter she states "many of these arguments their advocates are simply racist and emboldened by the times to voice sentiments that are usually shunned". Nauseating, her description of men weakened by a vacuum in the power structure and the need for new archetypes is depressing regressive. Surprisingly, very little context from Marx or the undergirding beliefs are given, it definitely feels like snips of the social media sphere.
Despite the author (and reader's) interest in changes of technology on ourselves and society, the book never grapples with the value shifts that are occurring. The book is sure to point out the revolutionary effects of the pill and sex reassignment surgery, and gay adoption which absolutely are impacting traditional values. Very little attention is given to the deleterious effects of social media on young people and the mental health crisis. To the dramatic wealth inequality that will limit adaptation for the majority of people, Spar peddles "soft policy" reforms.
This imagined future, spurred toward propulsive orgasmic pleasure and living in harmony seems cruelly fictive. Why not discuss progressive values, and how that society would function in the new reality..that may be worth exploring. No attempt is made to consider how these integrated technologies will change global culture. And that's a huge oversight when our society is attempting to deal with historical grievances (slavery, exploitation, divestment of the middle class). When self-survey's on young people show record lacking of empathy and self-consideration, the panacea view is a little harder to sell.
The subjects here are worth exploring. No doubt, we live in a time, if you are privileged enough, you are able to customize a huge part of your life. And the technology changes from AI will likely dramatically change what it means to be human. But I think this book does not do service to the ideas or her readers. Too little historical context, too much femsplaining. You scratch the surface, and find more surface.
---"News From Nowhere, 1890"
"Work Mate Marry Love" , a titillating title, attempts to give a progressive insight from a progressive/Marx perspective on how technology is uprooting traditional structure of companionship, child-rearing, sexual activity, traditional identity and aging. Although, I didn't expect the book to be data-driven, it feels at both too empty, too wanting to please its reader, and really more about wish fulfillment than charting AI's indomitable ascension.
Although, I want to be open to hearing any political perspective I was really put off by the book's elitism. In the chapter "Transitions", multiple pages are given to pronouns and gender/sexual preferences and critical theory. And yet it is only a few chapters back in reference to Trump/Brexit supporter she states "many of these arguments their advocates are simply racist and emboldened by the times to voice sentiments that are usually shunned". Nauseating, her description of men weakened by a vacuum in the power structure and the need for new archetypes is depressing regressive. Surprisingly, very little context from Marx or the undergirding beliefs are given, it definitely feels like snips of the social media sphere.
Despite the author (and reader's) interest in changes of technology on ourselves and society, the book never grapples with the value shifts that are occurring. The book is sure to point out the revolutionary effects of the pill and sex reassignment surgery, and gay adoption which absolutely are impacting traditional values. Very little attention is given to the deleterious effects of social media on young people and the mental health crisis. To the dramatic wealth inequality that will limit adaptation for the majority of people, Spar peddles "soft policy" reforms.
This imagined future, spurred toward propulsive orgasmic pleasure and living in harmony seems cruelly fictive. Why not discuss progressive values, and how that society would function in the new reality..that may be worth exploring. No attempt is made to consider how these integrated technologies will change global culture. And that's a huge oversight when our society is attempting to deal with historical grievances (slavery, exploitation, divestment of the middle class). When self-survey's on young people show record lacking of empathy and self-consideration, the panacea view is a little harder to sell.
The subjects here are worth exploring. No doubt, we live in a time, if you are privileged enough, you are able to customize a huge part of your life. And the technology changes from AI will likely dramatically change what it means to be human. But I think this book does not do service to the ideas or her readers. Too little historical context, too much femsplaining. You scratch the surface, and find more surface.
June 9, 2021
Work, Mate, Marry, Love: How Machines Shape Our Human Destiny by Debora Spar was fascinating exploration from the dawn of humanity to present day exploring machines and their impact on humans. By machines what is really meant is technology in general. So instead of chapters about the washing machine (although there are sections on how domestic appliances helped the woman’s movement) it really focuses on technology like hormonal medication ie. hormonal birth control, ivf, hormone therapy. Fascinating small ideas creat great changes in society.
The change from hoe to plow changed societies from female based gods, and a feminist society to a patriarchal structure that created the idea of virginity, marriage and a need for men to know who their offsprings were.
The book follows a linear structure but is sometimes repetitive and more than a little foreshadowing is involved. The hypothesis, many backed by others field work and anthropology, of the subjection of women and then class systems because of technology was riveting. However, when the author approached 21st century technologies some of the research or the expression of this research was lacking.
Perhaps it’s because the author doesn’t use certain technology (eg. dating apps, sex toys, robots), or because the author did not grow up with the results of tech (eg. smartphones, trans, out and proud people) their understanding and writing about such things and people is lacking. It borders on the judgemental, and whilst trying to explain the technology behind such events and expressions of people the author uses archaic language that is insensitive and very dated.
Although published in 2020, the author still uses and miss genders pronouns for people that have transitioned, and flips between he/she during on such section that I couldn’t help but shout out: use THEY, it’s a perfectly good word. At time Spar talks about history as just men, which annoyed me. Even misrepresenting religious stories by saying “god(s) created man, man machines” when in fact the myths she is relating or retelling have men and women being created together. Or that society has two genders ignoring that this is a very European Christian view, not present in many societies. But then Spar’s bring this up later.
But beyond that the author really starts from scratch when talking about certain issues like sex, and gender. It’s good for an audience that knows nothing about such things, is oblivious to trans community, queer community, or even basic biology like hormones, sex organs, intersex. But I don’t think the author is well versed enough to make these explanations informative and sensitive.
Same goes for the sections on technology and dating ie tinder. The facts are fascinating, those in millennials generation are so inundated with the possibility of sex in rapid time, that they fail to act. And are this having sex less their the pervious generations. The author needed a group of people using these apps to explain how it works, they draw backs, and what it means. It was a little asinine. With all the statistics and studies, the author needed a 5a7 with uses of the app to talk about the issues. And then fails to mention the blatant misogyny, and basic change online anonymity gives the user.
Much of the book, most of the sex and gender bit focuses on the 20th and 21sf century, and the toe dips of the 19th century unethical practices, (eg a doctor “curing” a woman’s infertility by telling her she will have a surgical procedure but really just injecting her with sperm from a med student because it was actually her husband that was infertile. And never telling them). And really it should have been it’s own book. Much of the book gives foundation to the arguments that tech changes human destiny. Really the author could have led with “gay marriage was bolstered in court because of the advancements in IVF”. Apparently this was a big argument for marriage equality acts and laws was IVF because all of a sudden the laws being enforced that the birth mother was therefore the bio mother was therefore legal guardian and the person she was married to was the bio/legal dad suddenly had not standing. That section was fascinating! And the future of that type of technology amazing.
The change from hoe to plow changed societies from female based gods, and a feminist society to a patriarchal structure that created the idea of virginity, marriage and a need for men to know who their offsprings were.
The book follows a linear structure but is sometimes repetitive and more than a little foreshadowing is involved. The hypothesis, many backed by others field work and anthropology, of the subjection of women and then class systems because of technology was riveting. However, when the author approached 21st century technologies some of the research or the expression of this research was lacking.
Perhaps it’s because the author doesn’t use certain technology (eg. dating apps, sex toys, robots), or because the author did not grow up with the results of tech (eg. smartphones, trans, out and proud people) their understanding and writing about such things and people is lacking. It borders on the judgemental, and whilst trying to explain the technology behind such events and expressions of people the author uses archaic language that is insensitive and very dated.
Although published in 2020, the author still uses and miss genders pronouns for people that have transitioned, and flips between he/she during on such section that I couldn’t help but shout out: use THEY, it’s a perfectly good word. At time Spar talks about history as just men, which annoyed me. Even misrepresenting religious stories by saying “god(s) created man, man machines” when in fact the myths she is relating or retelling have men and women being created together. Or that society has two genders ignoring that this is a very European Christian view, not present in many societies. But then Spar’s bring this up later.
But beyond that the author really starts from scratch when talking about certain issues like sex, and gender. It’s good for an audience that knows nothing about such things, is oblivious to trans community, queer community, or even basic biology like hormones, sex organs, intersex. But I don’t think the author is well versed enough to make these explanations informative and sensitive.
Same goes for the sections on technology and dating ie tinder. The facts are fascinating, those in millennials generation are so inundated with the possibility of sex in rapid time, that they fail to act. And are this having sex less their the pervious generations. The author needed a group of people using these apps to explain how it works, they draw backs, and what it means. It was a little asinine. With all the statistics and studies, the author needed a 5a7 with uses of the app to talk about the issues. And then fails to mention the blatant misogyny, and basic change online anonymity gives the user.
Much of the book, most of the sex and gender bit focuses on the 20th and 21sf century, and the toe dips of the 19th century unethical practices, (eg a doctor “curing” a woman’s infertility by telling her she will have a surgical procedure but really just injecting her with sperm from a med student because it was actually her husband that was infertile. And never telling them). And really it should have been it’s own book. Much of the book gives foundation to the arguments that tech changes human destiny. Really the author could have led with “gay marriage was bolstered in court because of the advancements in IVF”. Apparently this was a big argument for marriage equality acts and laws was IVF because all of a sudden the laws being enforced that the birth mother was therefore the bio mother was therefore legal guardian and the person she was married to was the bio/legal dad suddenly had not standing. That section was fascinating! And the future of that type of technology amazing.
February 14, 2021
Work Mate Marry Love: How Machines Shape Our Human Destiny (Hardcover)
by Debora L. Spar
from the library
http://blogs.wgbh.org/innovation-hub/...
The Plow to Birth Control: How Tech Reshapes Relationships
Contents:
Part I. The Way We Lived: Life Before the Machines ; Steam Heat: How the Industrial Revolution Transformed Women, Men, and Work ; Mid-Century Modern --
Part II. The Way We Live Now: Changing the Means of (Re)production: Surrogate Moms, Gay Dads, and Our Evolving Notions of Family ; Sex and Love Online ; Mad Men; or, How Smart Machines Are Remaking Masculinity --
Part III. The Way We Will Live: Trans*itions ; Cuddling with Robots ; Engineering the End of Death ; Conclusions: Welcome to Tomorrowland.
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/12/op...
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/...
https://ifstudies.org/blog/yes-david-...
by Debora L. Spar
from the library
http://blogs.wgbh.org/innovation-hub/...
The Plow to Birth Control: How Tech Reshapes Relationships
Contents:
Part I. The Way We Lived: Life Before the Machines ; Steam Heat: How the Industrial Revolution Transformed Women, Men, and Work ; Mid-Century Modern --
Part II. The Way We Live Now: Changing the Means of (Re)production: Surrogate Moms, Gay Dads, and Our Evolving Notions of Family ; Sex and Love Online ; Mad Men; or, How Smart Machines Are Remaking Masculinity --
Part III. The Way We Will Live: Trans*itions ; Cuddling with Robots ; Engineering the End of Death ; Conclusions: Welcome to Tomorrowland.
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/12/op...
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/...
https://ifstudies.org/blog/yes-david-...
January 19, 2021
Very thought provoking and will challenge a lot of ideas you might have about how and why the norms of society change. Spar puts forth the idea that in the history of humankind most of our basic social norms have been brought on by technology: the plow and advent of agriculture led to the origins of marriage and private ownership of property (with wives being part of this "property"); the industrial revolution led to the "breadwinning father" and caretaker wife; the rise of "the pill" and pregnancy via IVF led to the separation of sex and reproduction; the coming of household appliances led to a housewife freed from constant chores, and therefore the rise of feminism; and the age of the internet and AI has changed (and will continue to change) our very idea of what constitutes love, romance, and relationships.
Not a quick or easy read, but never uninteresting.
Not a quick or easy read, but never uninteresting.
September 28, 2020
Daring, thought-provoking look at how human technology at different points in our history has affected social norms and behaviors, especially in relation to definitions of the family and means of reproduction. Writing style is occasionally repetitive.
Read
May 18, 2021I didn't finish this one. Had trouble following her reasoning and logic, as it was full of contradictions and use of "evidence" of cause occurring AFTER the event it was supposed to have caused... Yikes. Just couldn't do it.
January 30, 2025
I found this an interesting read. The author looks back at history and explains how technology shaped the way we live starting back with the Neolithic period, present and the future. It looked at the opportunities created, the shift in the norms of society, changes in the roles of men and women…
January 31, 2021
I'd give 4.5 stars
May 6, 2021
Well written and wildly thought provoking. Full of good history paired with a clear eyed and honest look at the world ahead.
Recommended.
Recommended.
February 10, 2022
I would highly recommend this!! Her explanation of how we have developed technology which has then influenced how our society evolves is really thought provoking.
August 3, 2024
fascinating and unsettling
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews