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There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord
"There is a white wizard, cloaked in spellcraft and guile and a truly astonishing sense of self-righteousness, and he simply will not stop slaughtering The Chosen One until he kills me."
Set in a fantasy world of unmanageable magics and questionable cosmology, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: A Dark Lord's Journal" is the peculiar, blackly satirical tale of the Dark Lord, who is amassing an army of Things of the Night, and awaiting likely death at the hands of:
The Elves: A beautiful, shiny, sociopathic species whose language is entirely sarcasm.
The Dwarves: Doomed hammer-swinging dwellers of the underground.
The Armies of Man: No one tells a better tale, or causes a more rapid extinction.
The White Wizard: Embodiment of all that is good and right; just ask him.
....and
The Chosen One: Victim--sorry, meant to say "Hero"--of a glorious prophecy. The Chosen One is destined to bring down the Dark Lord, if not killed first. In which case, The White Wizard will have to find a replacement. Again.
Behold! A (relatively) epic narration of world-changing events, told from the point of view of the Dark Lord. 'Tis a story of shattering destiny, drinking, arcane secrets, drinking, and battles worth of the Sagas. Well, not the Sagas of Men, but the Orcs have probably got something to say about it. Let's get going; it's time to steal the Sun.
"There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN" is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Dark Lord.
Set in a fantasy world of unmanageable magics and questionable cosmology, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: A Dark Lord's Journal" is the peculiar, blackly satirical tale of the Dark Lord, who is amassing an army of Things of the Night, and awaiting likely death at the hands of:
The Elves: A beautiful, shiny, sociopathic species whose language is entirely sarcasm.
The Dwarves: Doomed hammer-swinging dwellers of the underground.
The Armies of Man: No one tells a better tale, or causes a more rapid extinction.
The White Wizard: Embodiment of all that is good and right; just ask him.
....and
The Chosen One: Victim--sorry, meant to say "Hero"--of a glorious prophecy. The Chosen One is destined to bring down the Dark Lord, if not killed first. In which case, The White Wizard will have to find a replacement. Again.
Behold! A (relatively) epic narration of world-changing events, told from the point of view of the Dark Lord. 'Tis a story of shattering destiny, drinking, arcane secrets, drinking, and battles worth of the Sagas. Well, not the Sagas of Men, but the Orcs have probably got something to say about it. Let's get going; it's time to steal the Sun.
"There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN" is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Dark Lord.
230 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 28, 2019
301 people are currently reading
223 people want to read
About the author
Jeff Mach
8 books82 followersJeff writes a lot of peculiar, often villainous fantasy and science fiction. He speaks about himself in the third person rather a lot. He's mostly a satirist in both his novels and his short work. He writes more F&SF poetry than a healthy person ought. He knows a lot about pickup lines for Dwarves, Hobbits, Elves, and others.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 60 reviews
June 30, 2019
I’ve never been quite this close to crying over the fate of monsters.
I was lucky enough to have been given a review copy of this book before it was officially released.
I don’t have a solid, corporeal copy yet, to find the perfect place for on my shelf and read a thousand times over. I will soon. I’m really excited.
This book is unique. It’s labeled and categorized as satire, which is in no way a lie. But don’t think that it’s all a joke.
Above all, this book is honest. It forces readers and characters alike to face one unbeatable law of Man:
The truth is that with the most powerful believers.
In the land of “Whatever This Place is Called,” there is a Dark Lord. This Dark Lord tells the story contained in these pages, and she is like no anti-hero you’ve ever met.
She’s not an anti-hero at all, because she’s not a hero. She’s a villain, or that’s what everyone else will lead you to believe. By the end of it, you’ll find yourself questioning those terms in all their interpretations.
She’s not the first to question the concepts of Good and Evil, but she is the first to do it as concisely and cohesively as she does. If she is the Dark Lord, purveyor of misery, shadow of nightmares, and darkest of whatever, what makes her Magic “Dark”? What makes her “Evil”?
This question isn’t exactly answered, most of all because there is no answer.
If you’re looking for a book with clear-cut Good and Bad where the hero will always win, this isn’t your story.
If you want to think deeply about that which you can’t bear to question and maybe have a minor existential crisis along the way as you continue to ask “But who is the worse guy?” Then you are definitely in the right place.
This book talks over Good and Bad, Magic and the lack of it, Light and Dark, Belief and Disbelief in an understandable way that will never take your beliefs or questions for granted.
If you’re like me, you’ll find questions you didn’t know you had.
It takes place in a vaguely Earth-like celestial body, with its own sun, moon, stars, weather patterns, and Humans. The importance of that is its relatability to our own version of Earth. There is no censorship about the truth of Mankind and their persistence and their cruelty.
The Dark Lord, also, is extremely relatable in both story and thought. There’s no mistake in alignment, per se; she has eaten hearts and there is plenty of blood on her hands. But there’s an entire life that no one sees, because they only see the shadows around her castle and not the vastness of things she has created in the Light or the Dark.
There are Darklings, too. Creatures or monsters like Giants, Orcs, Dragons, and what have you that got even less of a chance than she did.
The term “Darkling” is (accurately) used to describe them more than once, but it’s also questioned. What did they do to be in the Dark? Why were they cast out?
This is not the story of a demise told from the dead’s point of view, like Wicked (not to say it isn’t also amazing). Nor is it an attempt to defend actions, motivations, or results.
The Dark Lord throws no pity-party, rights no wrong, and changes none of her beliefs. She doesn’t give up anything that she did, wanted, or believed in for the sake of redemption, salvation, or otherwise.
This book sits in you in the chair of both Villain and Hero and shows you all the muddled up truths of Humanity, never forgetting to remind you that some truths are lies, and a Name means everything.
And if you’re nearing the end, and you think you know what will happen? You don’t. I promise. And that’s one of the best things about it. You never know what will happen.
Now we go reap some consequences.
I was lucky enough to have been given a review copy of this book before it was officially released.
I don’t have a solid, corporeal copy yet, to find the perfect place for on my shelf and read a thousand times over. I will soon. I’m really excited.
This book is unique. It’s labeled and categorized as satire, which is in no way a lie. But don’t think that it’s all a joke.
Above all, this book is honest. It forces readers and characters alike to face one unbeatable law of Man:
The truth is that with the most powerful believers.
In the land of “Whatever This Place is Called,” there is a Dark Lord. This Dark Lord tells the story contained in these pages, and she is like no anti-hero you’ve ever met.
She’s not an anti-hero at all, because she’s not a hero. She’s a villain, or that’s what everyone else will lead you to believe. By the end of it, you’ll find yourself questioning those terms in all their interpretations.
She’s not the first to question the concepts of Good and Evil, but she is the first to do it as concisely and cohesively as she does. If she is the Dark Lord, purveyor of misery, shadow of nightmares, and darkest of whatever, what makes her Magic “Dark”? What makes her “Evil”?
This question isn’t exactly answered, most of all because there is no answer.
If you’re looking for a book with clear-cut Good and Bad where the hero will always win, this isn’t your story.
If you want to think deeply about that which you can’t bear to question and maybe have a minor existential crisis along the way as you continue to ask “But who is the worse guy?” Then you are definitely in the right place.
This book talks over Good and Bad, Magic and the lack of it, Light and Dark, Belief and Disbelief in an understandable way that will never take your beliefs or questions for granted.
If you’re like me, you’ll find questions you didn’t know you had.
It takes place in a vaguely Earth-like celestial body, with its own sun, moon, stars, weather patterns, and Humans. The importance of that is its relatability to our own version of Earth. There is no censorship about the truth of Mankind and their persistence and their cruelty.
The Dark Lord, also, is extremely relatable in both story and thought. There’s no mistake in alignment, per se; she has eaten hearts and there is plenty of blood on her hands. But there’s an entire life that no one sees, because they only see the shadows around her castle and not the vastness of things she has created in the Light or the Dark.
There are Darklings, too. Creatures or monsters like Giants, Orcs, Dragons, and what have you that got even less of a chance than she did.
The term “Darkling” is (accurately) used to describe them more than once, but it’s also questioned. What did they do to be in the Dark? Why were they cast out?
This is not the story of a demise told from the dead’s point of view, like Wicked (not to say it isn’t also amazing). Nor is it an attempt to defend actions, motivations, or results.
The Dark Lord throws no pity-party, rights no wrong, and changes none of her beliefs. She doesn’t give up anything that she did, wanted, or believed in for the sake of redemption, salvation, or otherwise.
This book sits in you in the chair of both Villain and Hero and shows you all the muddled up truths of Humanity, never forgetting to remind you that some truths are lies, and a Name means everything.
And if you’re nearing the end, and you think you know what will happen? You don’t. I promise. And that’s one of the best things about it. You never know what will happen.
Now we go reap some consequences.
July 22, 2019
I hate writing bad reviews. I really do.
I got fifteen percent through before I started skimming, and thirty percent through before I stopped.
This is marketed as a parody, but there’s no plot or anything of substance. It had potential, but it fell flat.
Not for me.
I got fifteen percent through before I started skimming, and thirty percent through before I stopped.
This is marketed as a parody, but there’s no plot or anything of substance. It had potential, but it fell flat.
Not for me.
April 10, 2020
(I finished this because the audiobook came out today! Holy cats!)
"There is a literal, physical blot of darkness over some of the land, floating back and forth, letting light through intermittently. What, exactly, is that supposed to prove? Some plants wither, but some plants thrive (we’ve passed enough belladonna to hallucinate an entire army of Elves). The Dark Lord doesn’t seem interested in purging the surface, just changing it so it’s inhospitable to humans.
To be honest, that doesn't seem wholly illogical, since humans have clearly sought to make it inhospitable to the Dark Lord."
Goodreads appears to be letting me review this book, which feels weird, since I'm the author and all. But if I were to say anything about it, it's this: I honestly have wanted to write a book from the point of view of a Dark Lord since I was 13.
I'm kinda glad I waited, though. I'm a lot funnier than I was back then.
Much love to everyone who reads this thing.
"There is a literal, physical blot of darkness over some of the land, floating back and forth, letting light through intermittently. What, exactly, is that supposed to prove? Some plants wither, but some plants thrive (we’ve passed enough belladonna to hallucinate an entire army of Elves). The Dark Lord doesn’t seem interested in purging the surface, just changing it so it’s inhospitable to humans.
To be honest, that doesn't seem wholly illogical, since humans have clearly sought to make it inhospitable to the Dark Lord."
Goodreads appears to be letting me review this book, which feels weird, since I'm the author and all. But if I were to say anything about it, it's this: I honestly have wanted to write a book from the point of view of a Dark Lord since I was 13.
I'm kinda glad I waited, though. I'm a lot funnier than I was back then.
Much love to everyone who reads this thing.
July 2, 2019
You know the players.
• A White Wizard, wise and caring.
• A Dark Lord, power mad and self-absorbed.
• A Chosen One, the only hope.
But what if the Wizard is making it up as he goes along? And cares for himself most of all?
The Lord is only interested in having one kingdom; and has some regard for the troops that will fight to protect that kingdom?
And the Chosen is not the Only, merely the Latest?
Welcome to Jeff Mach’s debut novel, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord. An old tale spun a new way.
With a looming invasion by the forces of Good, the Dark Lord fills the Chosen One in on the perpetual sarcasm of Elves, that Orcs are not so much ugly as asymmetrical, and that, perhaps, not all who dwell in the Darkness are there of their own volition.
There are no illusions of being a misunderstood ‘Hero’. The Dark Lord has worked and bled to claim that title of ‘Villain’. For the world needs villains, even if most won’t realize it.
Intercut are entries from the Chosen One’s own diary, who is learning there is much grey between Good and Evil. And how little a person is worth compared to the symbol others make of them.
If you like your fantasy neat and tidy, then I wish you a good day. But if you want to think a bit, see the view from the other side of the fence, and just maybe find the words you’ve been wishing someone would say…
May I invite you to help us steal the Sun?
• A White Wizard, wise and caring.
• A Dark Lord, power mad and self-absorbed.
• A Chosen One, the only hope.
But what if the Wizard is making it up as he goes along? And cares for himself most of all?
The Lord is only interested in having one kingdom; and has some regard for the troops that will fight to protect that kingdom?
And the Chosen is not the Only, merely the Latest?
Welcome to Jeff Mach’s debut novel, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord. An old tale spun a new way.
With a looming invasion by the forces of Good, the Dark Lord fills the Chosen One in on the perpetual sarcasm of Elves, that Orcs are not so much ugly as asymmetrical, and that, perhaps, not all who dwell in the Darkness are there of their own volition.
There are no illusions of being a misunderstood ‘Hero’. The Dark Lord has worked and bled to claim that title of ‘Villain’. For the world needs villains, even if most won’t realize it.
Intercut are entries from the Chosen One’s own diary, who is learning there is much grey between Good and Evil. And how little a person is worth compared to the symbol others make of them.
If you like your fantasy neat and tidy, then I wish you a good day. But if you want to think a bit, see the view from the other side of the fence, and just maybe find the words you’ve been wishing someone would say…
May I invite you to help us steal the Sun?
September 1, 2019
Sympathy for the Dev- er, Dark Lord
This is an awesome piece of fantasy fiction, told in the form of diary entries made by a fantasy Dark Lord, about the nature of good and evil in a fantasy world; of men, elves, dwarves, and orcs; and the Dark Lord's hypocritical enemy, the White Wizard, who perpetually recruits Chosen Ones to throw against the Dark Lord. There are also interludes from the journal of one of these poor Chosen Ones, who has begun to realize that not all is as the White Wizard has claimed . . . A brilliant sort of anti-Tolkien work, highly recommended to fans of high fantasy!
This is an awesome piece of fantasy fiction, told in the form of diary entries made by a fantasy Dark Lord, about the nature of good and evil in a fantasy world; of men, elves, dwarves, and orcs; and the Dark Lord's hypocritical enemy, the White Wizard, who perpetually recruits Chosen Ones to throw against the Dark Lord. There are also interludes from the journal of one of these poor Chosen Ones, who has begun to realize that not all is as the White Wizard has claimed . . . A brilliant sort of anti-Tolkien work, highly recommended to fans of high fantasy!
June 2, 2020
Building up on a base that enmeshes sci-fi and fantasy this book instigates your thoughts and challenges your morals at every step. This is what makes this book stand out. It is not your regular fantasy! It is thought provoking, introspective and engages readers at a philosophical level. I’m officially a fan of his writing and the trademark wit. The writing is engaging and it is needless to say that the narrative is immensely entertaining.
August 20, 2019
This book is great! It was an impulse buy that was well made. It's witty and reads well, putting a new look at fantasy's "heroes" and "villains".
Had several typos, but that doesn't hurt the reading. While it seems a simple and straight forward diary or reference book, it has a great deal of detail in its story and meaning. The ending was also an interesting twist!
Had several typos, but that doesn't hurt the reading. While it seems a simple and straight forward diary or reference book, it has a great deal of detail in its story and meaning. The ending was also an interesting twist!
August 1, 2020
A Literary Jedi Mindf**k
“Sometimes I think I’m an idiot for trying to get anyone to believe difficult truths rather than easy lies.”
— There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: A Dark Lord's Diary: (A Memoir and Manifesto For Villains and Monsters) by Jeff Mach
This book did to me what the best books do: it broke my brain, wrung out the bits in a towel, and reassembled it in a jello mold for reinstallation. In a good way.
In essence, it put a framework around what many disaffected but basically good people have experienced when they have struggled to voice seemingly straightforward contradictions present between “facts”, “truth”, “science”, and “right” and “morality”with the equally potent forces of “convenience”, “peace”, “but its always been like this’”, “you’re too young to know,” and “status quo”.
It also points out what happens when a good person attains power. Bad shit will be done in your name. You won’t be able to control it all. Bad things will still happen, and all manner of evil will be attributed to you. Expect it. Remember who you really are, accept you are not a god. If you start believing you are a god, GTFO.
Don’t be surprised when you begin rooting for the Dark Lord. Turns out this one is fighting for the light side of the Force.
Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies.
“Sometimes I think I’m an idiot for trying to get anyone to believe difficult truths rather than easy lies.”
— There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: A Dark Lord's Diary: (A Memoir and Manifesto For Villains and Monsters) by Jeff Mach
This book did to me what the best books do: it broke my brain, wrung out the bits in a towel, and reassembled it in a jello mold for reinstallation. In a good way.
In essence, it put a framework around what many disaffected but basically good people have experienced when they have struggled to voice seemingly straightforward contradictions present between “facts”, “truth”, “science”, and “right” and “morality”with the equally potent forces of “convenience”, “peace”, “but its always been like this’”, “you’re too young to know,” and “status quo”.
It also points out what happens when a good person attains power. Bad shit will be done in your name. You won’t be able to control it all. Bad things will still happen, and all manner of evil will be attributed to you. Expect it. Remember who you really are, accept you are not a god. If you start believing you are a god, GTFO.
Don’t be surprised when you begin rooting for the Dark Lord. Turns out this one is fighting for the light side of the Force.
Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies.
March 31, 2020
Go inside another earthly world in this epic fantasy manifesto for villains and monsters. Not your typical read in the park by any means. Dark, twisted, and alluring.
April 10, 2020
An incredibly written subversion of the fantasy genre. While i can see why some people wouldn't be into it, this book is so far the best book I've read all year.
I have a full review on my YouTube channel: https://youtu.be/C7dEiwLQ-dE
I have a full review on my YouTube channel: https://youtu.be/C7dEiwLQ-dE
September 5, 2019
An epic fantasy adventure, not quite like the rest.
If you're looking for a book out of the ordinary, something that turns the standard epic fantasy tropes upon their heads, then go read Jeff Mach's book There and NEVER EVER BACK AGAIN: The Diary of a Dark Lord.
I have to say, however, this is not your normal book.
If you go read it because you want a fleshed out epic tale of bravery, grand battles, and heroes saving fair dames, then you're reading the wrong book. Go read something else.
In the first place, this book has close to no story. Don't worry, there is some, but it's more or less just running in the background; occasionally the progress of the Chosen One is mentioned and you get to read excerpts of the Chosen One's diary,in which their progress is mentioned.
However, the main part of the book is dedicated to explaining the lore and how things really work in the world the book takes place in. You get to know that nothing is what it seems like, the Dark Lord is just someone who didn't fit into society and would rather be left alone, the White Wizard is just some drunk who has lived a long time and can only do a limited amount of magic, and the Chosen One is just One of many.
In general, There and NEVER EVER BACK AGAIN is probably how I imagine what someone wanting to make their worldbuilding into a book, but without all the pesky stories and advanced characters, just basic "this is my world, now read about it".
That said, Mach does this very well and it definitely doesn't make the book bad. He includes a form of social commentary and philosophy in the work, writing in a sarcastic and comedic way, not making the book seem dry and boring.
The characters are not named, but they are still interesting and you'll remember them throughout the book, as they all have quirks that makes them special, even though you only actively encounter the Dark Lord and the Chosen One. No character has a name, but they're interesting enough for weighing up on that.
One should read this book if you want to spend your time considering the world we live in, and how you treat other beings, while laughing at a Dark Lord making fun of a wizard. Or if you want to experience philosophical thoughts while simultaneously reading about an epic fantasy adventure, not quite like the rest.
If you're still unsure, try following Jeff Mach on twitter (@darklordjournal) and read through his tweets. If you enjoy his content, you will most certainly enjoy this book.
I give this book an 8/10.
If you're looking for a book out of the ordinary, something that turns the standard epic fantasy tropes upon their heads, then go read Jeff Mach's book There and NEVER EVER BACK AGAIN: The Diary of a Dark Lord.
I have to say, however, this is not your normal book.
If you go read it because you want a fleshed out epic tale of bravery, grand battles, and heroes saving fair dames, then you're reading the wrong book. Go read something else.
In the first place, this book has close to no story. Don't worry, there is some, but it's more or less just running in the background; occasionally the progress of the Chosen One is mentioned and you get to read excerpts of the Chosen One's diary,in which their progress is mentioned.
However, the main part of the book is dedicated to explaining the lore and how things really work in the world the book takes place in. You get to know that nothing is what it seems like, the Dark Lord is just someone who didn't fit into society and would rather be left alone, the White Wizard is just some drunk who has lived a long time and can only do a limited amount of magic, and the Chosen One is just One of many.
In general, There and NEVER EVER BACK AGAIN is probably how I imagine what someone wanting to make their worldbuilding into a book, but without all the pesky stories and advanced characters, just basic "this is my world, now read about it".
That said, Mach does this very well and it definitely doesn't make the book bad. He includes a form of social commentary and philosophy in the work, writing in a sarcastic and comedic way, not making the book seem dry and boring.
The characters are not named, but they are still interesting and you'll remember them throughout the book, as they all have quirks that makes them special, even though you only actively encounter the Dark Lord and the Chosen One. No character has a name, but they're interesting enough for weighing up on that.
One should read this book if you want to spend your time considering the world we live in, and how you treat other beings, while laughing at a Dark Lord making fun of a wizard. Or if you want to experience philosophical thoughts while simultaneously reading about an epic fantasy adventure, not quite like the rest.
If you're still unsure, try following Jeff Mach on twitter (@darklordjournal) and read through his tweets. If you enjoy his content, you will most certainly enjoy this book.
I give this book an 8/10.
January 31, 2020
I loved it! Not for everyone, as it forces reflection
I had to stop reading every few pages and ponder... It is more of philosophical treatise then a novel. I feel I have been red pilled, and will likely consider Good and evil through this lense, this filter when characters wax poetic on their ultimate purpose, shaped by destiny as it were.
I had to stop reading every few pages and ponder... It is more of philosophical treatise then a novel. I feel I have been red pilled, and will likely consider Good and evil through this lense, this filter when characters wax poetic on their ultimate purpose, shaped by destiny as it were.
September 26, 2019
Have you ever read a fantasy story, the heroes called on a quest to defeat the evil Dark Lord, pulled by destiny into events that seem to be greater than they are, and just wondered what the OTHER side was thinking and doing? In There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord, Jeff Mach not only imagines this scenario, but gives us an inside look into the depths of the Dark Lord. Part diary, part self-help guide for the aspiring Dark Lord, this book looks hard at one of fantasy’s most enduring tropes (the hero destined to fight (and defeat) the great evil) and asks why this is the case.
The Diary is not only filled with useful advice, but I enjoyed how Mach fit in thoughts and questions that are not only appropriate for an aspiring Chosen One, or Dark Lord, to ask, but have some application even in our own world. For example, on the subject of history, “Those who are most likely to appoint themselves as gatekeepers of knowledge tend to say that histories are full of lies, which I’d say is correct, as long as you define a lie as ‘information they can’t control’.” And on the subject of why humans believe what they do, even contrary to the evidence before them, “Humans are happy to ignore what they can observe, in favor of a story which fits comfortably in their heads.” Or on listening to those who disagree with you, “But the ability to listen to those who disagree, even if you’re going to fight them with everything you have, is a strength; the inability to do so is a fatal weakness.”
Mach does a great job of breaking down a fantasy trope and shaking up your perspective on what it’s like to be the bad guy. I recommend this book for anybody who is willing to listen to the other side and wants to get a fresh perspective on the nature of good and evil. And while some of us may not have aspirations of ruling over the land and the denizens of the dark places and shadows, there are still many useful bits that may be applicable even in your humdrum life.
The Diary is not only filled with useful advice, but I enjoyed how Mach fit in thoughts and questions that are not only appropriate for an aspiring Chosen One, or Dark Lord, to ask, but have some application even in our own world. For example, on the subject of history, “Those who are most likely to appoint themselves as gatekeepers of knowledge tend to say that histories are full of lies, which I’d say is correct, as long as you define a lie as ‘information they can’t control’.” And on the subject of why humans believe what they do, even contrary to the evidence before them, “Humans are happy to ignore what they can observe, in favor of a story which fits comfortably in their heads.” Or on listening to those who disagree with you, “But the ability to listen to those who disagree, even if you’re going to fight them with everything you have, is a strength; the inability to do so is a fatal weakness.”
Mach does a great job of breaking down a fantasy trope and shaking up your perspective on what it’s like to be the bad guy. I recommend this book for anybody who is willing to listen to the other side and wants to get a fresh perspective on the nature of good and evil. And while some of us may not have aspirations of ruling over the land and the denizens of the dark places and shadows, there are still many useful bits that may be applicable even in your humdrum life.
November 27, 2019
Wow just wow
They say everything has already been done, but this is the most unique story i have read in quite a while. It was a pleasure to read and I highly recommend it, especially if you hate self righteous white wizards lol!
They say everything has already been done, but this is the most unique story i have read in quite a while. It was a pleasure to read and I highly recommend it, especially if you hate self righteous white wizards lol!
July 4, 2019
I understood this as villain analysis and writing advice, and it was most entertaining and insightful.
June 20, 2020
“ At the moment, the Chosen One is being inculcated with the idea that I do Dark Magic, and thus I am most thoroughly evil.”
As we open the diary of the Dark Lord we learn not only his innermost thoughts but perhaps the most profound knowledge of the universe. His hypothesis that magic can be neither good nor evil unless it perhaps can feel the intention of the person wielding it. Magic is untapped power stolen from the laws of physic and nature perhaps when the universe was looking and is not your therapist. He also points out that humans are very intelligent beings, but perhaps large groups are no smarter than rocks. You will also see how he points out that humans kill their Gods. His biggest point is how their white wizard is supposed to be pure light and good and go around killing animals and humans to prove he is better and they are evil.
Jeff Mach in his newest book the There And Never Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord is one of perhaps the newest philosophical fiction I have had the pleasure of reading. I found myself rooting for the atypical bad guy and wondering if perhaps we all had it wrong. Now, this is written in a journal format where the character is sharing his thoughts on his world as he sees it. The first chapter caught my attention because it was if I had found this journal and now I know all the secrets that the Dark Lord was unsure to share with others. It was refreshingly funny, insightful, and completely true. Now I know it is fiction but you will see what I mean. The writer captured the human condition and thoughts right away. This is a fun read and I will be picking it up to read again this summer with all my pending traveling because when dealing with people “rocks” you need to laugh. I highly recommend it and think it can perhaps help see things in a different way including the bad guys.
As we open the diary of the Dark Lord we learn not only his innermost thoughts but perhaps the most profound knowledge of the universe. His hypothesis that magic can be neither good nor evil unless it perhaps can feel the intention of the person wielding it. Magic is untapped power stolen from the laws of physic and nature perhaps when the universe was looking and is not your therapist. He also points out that humans are very intelligent beings, but perhaps large groups are no smarter than rocks. You will also see how he points out that humans kill their Gods. His biggest point is how their white wizard is supposed to be pure light and good and go around killing animals and humans to prove he is better and they are evil.
Jeff Mach in his newest book the There And Never Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord is one of perhaps the newest philosophical fiction I have had the pleasure of reading. I found myself rooting for the atypical bad guy and wondering if perhaps we all had it wrong. Now, this is written in a journal format where the character is sharing his thoughts on his world as he sees it. The first chapter caught my attention because it was if I had found this journal and now I know all the secrets that the Dark Lord was unsure to share with others. It was refreshingly funny, insightful, and completely true. Now I know it is fiction but you will see what I mean. The writer captured the human condition and thoughts right away. This is a fun read and I will be picking it up to read again this summer with all my pending traveling because when dealing with people “rocks” you need to laugh. I highly recommend it and think it can perhaps help see things in a different way including the bad guys.
August 3, 2020
This is a very intriguing fantasy memoir written mostly from the point of view of a mysterious Dark Lord. In the introduction, a White Wizard who is the enemy of the Dark Lord is going to small villages to collect the next “Chosen One” who will be trained to defeat the Dark Magician. All of the poor children who were chosen in the past by the White Wizard have failed to complete this mission. The Dark Lord has a bit of sympathy for these unsuspecting subjects because it is not their choice, they were chosen. Families will willingly give up their children to the White Wizard for fear of being thought of as siding with the dark side.
As the story progresses, the Dark Lord writes about the assumptions that most people have about Dark Magic and how it is unfairly defined as “evil”. The idea that magic can not be defined as “Good” or “Evil” is put forth. It has more to do with the intentions of the person who is using the magic. There are many interesting concepts and philosophies that the Dark Lord writes about that will really make readers think. Since the Dark Lord used to be a White Wizard at one time, there is great knowledge and mocking of the “Good” Wizard and his plot to have the Dark Lord killed.
Jeff Mach has a unique writing style that is very engaging. He definitely has researched the “Dark Arts” and explains why people criticize those who they fear or do not fully understand. “When people are exiled”, he writes “sometimes they like it on the outside.” This is a book that will be hard to stop reading, unless you are afraid of the darkness.
As the story progresses, the Dark Lord writes about the assumptions that most people have about Dark Magic and how it is unfairly defined as “evil”. The idea that magic can not be defined as “Good” or “Evil” is put forth. It has more to do with the intentions of the person who is using the magic. There are many interesting concepts and philosophies that the Dark Lord writes about that will really make readers think. Since the Dark Lord used to be a White Wizard at one time, there is great knowledge and mocking of the “Good” Wizard and his plot to have the Dark Lord killed.
Jeff Mach has a unique writing style that is very engaging. He definitely has researched the “Dark Arts” and explains why people criticize those who they fear or do not fully understand. “When people are exiled”, he writes “sometimes they like it on the outside.” This is a book that will be hard to stop reading, unless you are afraid of the darkness.
September 2, 2020
It is time to hear the other side of the story!
Ever read the one about the hobbits? Oh, you have? Well, that's just great. It's a good story, full of mischief, adventure and all that. Well, turns out, there is another side of the story. Didn't know that part, did ya?
The Dark Lord got really tired of hearing the story from the side of the "so called heroes". Turns out that he was keeping a diary and he has some pretty interesting thoughts on the matter.
Why don't we start with the white wizard? He really can't stand him. Seems he goes around choosing special people quite often. He has a type too. He usually chooses the hard up orphans who will want care and attention. What better way to find "a chosen one" than to pick someone who will follow you no matter what.
Then there are the humans… Oh, the Dark Lord really likes humans! They run around picking fights, running their mouths, and generally killing and stealing as a hobby.
The elves are flashy fools who really don't like getting involved if they don't have to. That and they like golden boats. Seems they like to blind their enemies before they even draw blood.
Hobbits, they were not as annoying and the orcs are just a downtrodden, misunderstood people. Dragons are just silly lizards you can't tame.
To sum it all up, it is a pretty neat book, if you like stories from the other angle. It kind of reminded me of Bored of the Rings and Andrew Rowe's books.
I am volunteering an honest review for the benefit of others.
Ever read the one about the hobbits? Oh, you have? Well, that's just great. It's a good story, full of mischief, adventure and all that. Well, turns out, there is another side of the story. Didn't know that part, did ya?
The Dark Lord got really tired of hearing the story from the side of the "so called heroes". Turns out that he was keeping a diary and he has some pretty interesting thoughts on the matter.
Why don't we start with the white wizard? He really can't stand him. Seems he goes around choosing special people quite often. He has a type too. He usually chooses the hard up orphans who will want care and attention. What better way to find "a chosen one" than to pick someone who will follow you no matter what.
Then there are the humans… Oh, the Dark Lord really likes humans! They run around picking fights, running their mouths, and generally killing and stealing as a hobby.
The elves are flashy fools who really don't like getting involved if they don't have to. That and they like golden boats. Seems they like to blind their enemies before they even draw blood.
Hobbits, they were not as annoying and the orcs are just a downtrodden, misunderstood people. Dragons are just silly lizards you can't tame.
To sum it all up, it is a pretty neat book, if you like stories from the other angle. It kind of reminded me of Bored of the Rings and Andrew Rowe's books.
I am volunteering an honest review for the benefit of others.
August 5, 2020
There and Never, Ever, Back Again: A Dark Lord’s Diary: (A Memoir and Manifesto For Villains and Monsters) is a witty, clever, very fun read. I love fantasy and this book perfectly combines what is interesting about fantasy with a compelling, humorous, thoughtful story in the form of a fictional memoir of a villain.
In what is a surprisingly rare reversal, the tale is told through the eyes of the villain instead of the hero. That alone would not make this book necessarily clever. The brilliant writing, the biting wit, the astute observations, and the tropes that are constantly turned upside down make for a very entertaining and engaging read that is as hard to put down as it is to describe without giving away all the fun in reading it for yourself.
A Dark Lord is amassing an army to face off against the prophesied Chosen One in an epic fantasy battle. The author describes this as a slow burn but it does not feel like one to me. It is a perfectly and brilliantly crafted story that makes for a quick but very satisfying read.
If you enjoy fantasy, this is a must-read. It is not traditional fantasy but is all the better for it. The writing is excellent, the characters interesting and not one-dimensional. The plot is not too thin and doesn’t trail off into the weeds like some fantasy novels like to delve in to. This is a perfect read that I would recommend to anyone who enjoys a good story.
In what is a surprisingly rare reversal, the tale is told through the eyes of the villain instead of the hero. That alone would not make this book necessarily clever. The brilliant writing, the biting wit, the astute observations, and the tropes that are constantly turned upside down make for a very entertaining and engaging read that is as hard to put down as it is to describe without giving away all the fun in reading it for yourself.
A Dark Lord is amassing an army to face off against the prophesied Chosen One in an epic fantasy battle. The author describes this as a slow burn but it does not feel like one to me. It is a perfectly and brilliantly crafted story that makes for a quick but very satisfying read.
If you enjoy fantasy, this is a must-read. It is not traditional fantasy but is all the better for it. The writing is excellent, the characters interesting and not one-dimensional. The plot is not too thin and doesn’t trail off into the weeds like some fantasy novels like to delve in to. This is a perfect read that I would recommend to anyone who enjoys a good story.
August 31, 2020
Fantastic and Quirky!!
There and never ever back again by Jeff Mach is a fantastic view of the world through the eyes of The Dark Lord. The story author, Jeff Mach, tells is hilarious and thoughtful. It gives us a lot of insight to who The Dark Lord actually is or who he might be characteristically. It also tells of what he thinks of the world, and of the way he thinks of The White Wizard. Reading this story makes it absolutely clear that good and evil are not as black and white as it may have seemed. What if we looked at things through the eyes of our enemies, through the eyes of the things we believed to be evil in the world. I like this book a lot because it puts more thought behind actions I thought were already clear and concise. I also like the dialect used by The Dark One. I particularly like the way The Dark One speaks of The Chosen One, or better yet The Chosen Ones. He basically mocks their very existence, but with so much spunk it's hard not to love every word of it. This is an excellent book to sit back with on a nice rainy day, and I recommend it to anyone who loves a quirky tale through the eyes of evil. Five stars from me!
There and never ever back again by Jeff Mach is a fantastic view of the world through the eyes of The Dark Lord. The story author, Jeff Mach, tells is hilarious and thoughtful. It gives us a lot of insight to who The Dark Lord actually is or who he might be characteristically. It also tells of what he thinks of the world, and of the way he thinks of The White Wizard. Reading this story makes it absolutely clear that good and evil are not as black and white as it may have seemed. What if we looked at things through the eyes of our enemies, through the eyes of the things we believed to be evil in the world. I like this book a lot because it puts more thought behind actions I thought were already clear and concise. I also like the dialect used by The Dark One. I particularly like the way The Dark One speaks of The Chosen One, or better yet The Chosen Ones. He basically mocks their very existence, but with so much spunk it's hard not to love every word of it. This is an excellent book to sit back with on a nice rainy day, and I recommend it to anyone who loves a quirky tale through the eyes of evil. Five stars from me!
January 31, 2022
This book is very thought-provoking. Definitely a parity of all of the chosen one versus dark Lord genre. I really like the back-and-forth swap between the mind of the dark Lord, who is our main character, and the mind of our chosen one. My only regret about this book is that I wish it had been a companion to an actual story. I was left wanting to know more about both the chosen one and the dark Lord of the story. The world was well tread and well thought out, but being a parity of other fantasy worlds didn’t need a ridiculous amount of exposition about it. It was a little choppy though and sometimes took a little thinking to follow the timeline of the plot. Some of that could’ve been me going back and rereading certain sentences though. My Kindle notes is full of things that I copied from this book for later review. It has a great deal of fantastic and interesting insight into the psychology of the human condition and a whole bunch of fantastic quotes on that subject. All in all, definitely enjoyable but takes a little more thinking to thoroughly follow. Not exactly a casual read, but a worthwhile one.
May 27, 2021
This story is both a treatise on misguided self-righteousness and bigotry and a meta commentary on cliches of the fantasy genre. The Dark Lord cherishes doubt and failure because she knows these things keep her alive and alert. The endless series of Chosen Ones who come after her are so full of certainty that they cannot possibly lose because they have goodness on their side that they walk right into her traps, or if they survive they tend to fall apart. They're exploited by the ruthless White Wizards who don't care how much cannon fodder they fling at a Dark Lord with false reassurances; for them it's a numbers game, send enough Chosen Ones and eventually one ought to make it. Oh, and don't forget that the reason orcs, goblins and dragons are evil is that they are constantly persecuted by humans who have been assured by White Wizards that it's the right thing to do.
Highly recommended.
Highly recommended.
January 21, 2021
Not a typical fantasy book, but Sauron needs love too
Before I even picked up the book it sounded like a reverse plot for the Lord of the Rings, and I was not far from it. It’s not something I’ve ever seen before, part parody, part philosophical debate. The Dark Lord is tired of everyone cheering on the Chosen One, and wants to tell his story from his perspective.
Personally, I think this character found a great way to challenge fantasy readers, or readers in general, to see the story from other perspectives, to question the actions of the hero, and to not let themselves be pulled towards one of the extremes. This book has made me stay somehow in the middle when reading other pieces of literature.
You won’t find something like this on the market. It’s something every fan of epic fantasy should have in their collection.
Before I even picked up the book it sounded like a reverse plot for the Lord of the Rings, and I was not far from it. It’s not something I’ve ever seen before, part parody, part philosophical debate. The Dark Lord is tired of everyone cheering on the Chosen One, and wants to tell his story from his perspective.
Personally, I think this character found a great way to challenge fantasy readers, or readers in general, to see the story from other perspectives, to question the actions of the hero, and to not let themselves be pulled towards one of the extremes. This book has made me stay somehow in the middle when reading other pieces of literature.
You won’t find something like this on the market. It’s something every fan of epic fantasy should have in their collection.
May 8, 2021
Don't Read This If You Don't Want to Question Everything
The only reason I didn't give this five stars is because there were quite a few grammatical errors that I had to overlook or attempt to make educated guesses as to what he was trying to say in some sentences.
That being said, I would categorize this as philosophical satire, and indeed this would work amazingly well in a philosophy class. This was well done. It was humorous and also makes you think. So, if having your viewpoints challenged gives you too much cognitive dissonance, this book might not be for you.
But, if you're like me, and like to defy the norm and the status quo at every opportunity, then you might be a Dark Lord too.
The only reason I didn't give this five stars is because there were quite a few grammatical errors that I had to overlook or attempt to make educated guesses as to what he was trying to say in some sentences.
That being said, I would categorize this as philosophical satire, and indeed this would work amazingly well in a philosophy class. This was well done. It was humorous and also makes you think. So, if having your viewpoints challenged gives you too much cognitive dissonance, this book might not be for you.
But, if you're like me, and like to defy the norm and the status quo at every opportunity, then you might be a Dark Lord too.
August 21, 2020
This is a tale of the many sides of good and evil, played out in an imaginary universe filled with a few imaginary characters. As the Dark Lord narrates the story lines, he manages to insert questions and answers that require a foray into one's philosophical positions and views about good and evil, and how often they take on similar characteristic, depending on who is defining them. The plot requires you, simultaneously, to be very attentive to the narration while suspending your own reality. If you are looking for an escape, that forces you to think an enter an alternative universe, this book is for you.
January 17, 2021
Most incredible vocabulary I’ve witnessed in a very long time.
Incredible vocabulary, but many grammatical and editorial errors. This is more a book of philosophy than a full-fledged fantasy novel. However, please do not allow my comments to dissuade you from reading this novel. I’m sincerely impressed. I only gave it three stars due to the need for a higher caliber editor, otherwise I might have given it five. This book is literally loaded with gems of profound creative thought. Even as I write this review I’m still trying to grasp all that I’ve absorbed. I salute the author, and I encourage all to read this insightful philosophical work.
Incredible vocabulary, but many grammatical and editorial errors. This is more a book of philosophy than a full-fledged fantasy novel. However, please do not allow my comments to dissuade you from reading this novel. I’m sincerely impressed. I only gave it three stars due to the need for a higher caliber editor, otherwise I might have given it five. This book is literally loaded with gems of profound creative thought. Even as I write this review I’m still trying to grasp all that I’ve absorbed. I salute the author, and I encourage all to read this insightful philosophical work.
February 20, 2021
This book...
...is not without its flaws. There are occasional typos, repeated words, strange paragraph breaks. If you use your imagination, and remind yourself that you found this ancient journal along with the journal of the legendary chosen one, it all makes total sense. The Dark Lord was preparing for an epic battle while writing down their thoughts. Of course they'd make some mistakes - they had a ton on their mind!
Seriously, I loved this book. It's hilarious and full of incredibly thought provoking ideas. I highlighted so much. The minds of Dark Lords and Chosen Ones are complex and interesting, and I highly recommend this wonderful book.
...is not without its flaws. There are occasional typos, repeated words, strange paragraph breaks. If you use your imagination, and remind yourself that you found this ancient journal along with the journal of the legendary chosen one, it all makes total sense. The Dark Lord was preparing for an epic battle while writing down their thoughts. Of course they'd make some mistakes - they had a ton on their mind!
Seriously, I loved this book. It's hilarious and full of incredibly thought provoking ideas. I highlighted so much. The minds of Dark Lords and Chosen Ones are complex and interesting, and I highly recommend this wonderful book.
July 20, 2020
Witty and sarcastic, good combo!
For those who have seen the fantasy cliches a thousand times, and held back some random funny thought at about the three hundredth time, this book finds a funny way of saying it out loud. It even puts into perspective some possible origin ideas that are interesting. I couldn't decide what I found more entertaining: the musings of a weary solitary free thinker, or a poor cannon fodder hero, who stops and wonders if running headlong into danger is really the only way. Jeff Mach makes an awesome fantasy stand up act!
For those who have seen the fantasy cliches a thousand times, and held back some random funny thought at about the three hundredth time, this book finds a funny way of saying it out loud. It even puts into perspective some possible origin ideas that are interesting. I couldn't decide what I found more entertaining: the musings of a weary solitary free thinker, or a poor cannon fodder hero, who stops and wonders if running headlong into danger is really the only way. Jeff Mach makes an awesome fantasy stand up act!
April 20, 2022
As a GenXer, I have a bit of skepticism. This story gives voice to all the questions we're not supposed to ask about the Good Side as it pertains to Evil, first being: why aren't we allowed to ask questions of the Great White Wizard? If history is written by the winners, what was left out or embellished? If She's so horrible, why does the Dark One have so many individuals and races fighting for her while the good side is so homogenous?
A fun, thoughtful read written as a diary to the Chosen One come to kill her, sprinkled with bits from the Chosen One's observations too.
A fun, thoughtful read written as a diary to the Chosen One come to kill her, sprinkled with bits from the Chosen One's observations too.
May 25, 2020
One Hell of a Ride !!!!
Rarely a book comes along that can change everything, this was one of the deepest reads I have had the pleasure of reading in years.. This books wit and viewpoint encompass all of life itself and the trials of questioning the world we are thrust into and honoring yourself at any cost to remain true to what you seek... The writing is bright and philosophical and amazingly funny, touching and as stated thought provoking. I highly recomend this book.
Rarely a book comes along that can change everything, this was one of the deepest reads I have had the pleasure of reading in years.. This books wit and viewpoint encompass all of life itself and the trials of questioning the world we are thrust into and honoring yourself at any cost to remain true to what you seek... The writing is bright and philosophical and amazingly funny, touching and as stated thought provoking. I highly recomend this book.
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