Midlife Crisis at 30: How the Stakes Have Changed for a New Generation--And What to Do about It

by Lia Macko, Kerry Rubin

At 30 ...

Former vice-presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro was a stay-at-home mother. Founder and CEO of Oxygen Media Geraldine Laybourne was working at a public interest think tank for teachers. Political strategist Mary Matalin was a first-year law student-- and about to drop out. And months prior to her thirtieth birthday, financial strategist and best-selling author Suze Orman was working as a waitress, making $400 a month.

Decades later, these Boomer women and many others have reached the pinnacles of their professions. So why do Gen-X/Y women feel such pressure to have the perfect career, body, husband, and kids by the time they are at or around 30? Why has 30 become such a make-or-break moment?

As the generation that came of age after the most visible glass ceilings had been broken, Gen-X/Y women were raised to believe in futures without limitations. Yet, as journalists Lia Macko and Kerry Rubin reveal in their fascinating investigation, many women have distorted the well-intentioned empowerment messages of their youth and are quietly blaming themselves when they fail to overcome the very real obstacles that still exist in our society. Though many Gen-X/Y women are hitting the same roadblocks at the same time, instead of questioning what's wrong with the system-- as Boomer women did in their twenties-- they're questioning their own "choices."

Searching for solutions, Macko and Rubin have enlisted the aid of the New Girls' Club, a group of successful, satisfied women who've lived through their own crossroads moments, earned their battle scars, and now share their stories and strategies. While today's young women may indeed be a generation in the middle of a Midlife Crisis at 30 , they now have a dream team of mentors to help guide them through it.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Feminism, Psychology, Chick Lit

304 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2004

Reviews

[Alane Kataria-Rennie · Rating 3 out of 5]

At first I wondered if reading this book would make me worry about problems that weren't really problems in my own life. As I read on, though, it was interesting to learn that whereas a generation ago, people viewed their struggles as a social problem, today women especially view them as personal failings. I'm with the authors on the idea that we need to act collectively to see changes toward a more livable, family-accepting corporate culture.

Now that I've lived in Europe and Australia, I can safely say that many workplaces there are light years ahead of the US in this regard: lots of paid maternity/paternity leave and more flexible contracts.

Unfortunately, there were a lot of typos in my copy... yuck!

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am one of those people that is freaking out about turning 30. Yes, I know age is a number, but still...I'm freaked out. After reading this book I feel less alone in my fear and understand where it comes from just a little more. The first half of the book explains the two authors (female journalists) hypothesis on why women around the age of 27-30 start having what basically equals a mid-life crisis. Their theory rests on the fact that as women with parents from the hippy generation, we were told growing up that we could HAVE IT ALL, BE ALL and KNOW ALL. Although this push for us Generation x/y ladies to be ALL is well intentioned; the authors argue that it has lead many women to feel like they aren’t good enough if they can’t do everything or have it all figured out. This sense that we have failed as women if we don’t have a good job, man or kids by the time we’re 30 centers around the fact that we grew up being told that we CAN have all that we want and more. So when we turn 30 and realize we don’t have ALL, we freak out and think something is wrong with us. The book then argues that the real reason we don’t have it all is because of the very real and still present sexism we experience in the workplace and our culture. If you thought sexism was dead…you’re not paying attention! I thought the theory was strong in many aspects and I found myself nodding in agreement on several occasions. The only real let down about the book is the second half, where stories of triumph are shared by women over 35 in the hopes of cheering us up. Almost all the women’s stories they share come from famous women or VERY rich women. It was hard to relate to their stories and struggles. They definitely needed more variety in the mix. (I doubt most 30 year old women have multi-million dollar jobs or ever will) I suggest skipping around through the last half of the book, and only reading the stories that jump out at you. This might make a good gift for your girlfriend when she turns 30.

[Christina · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was interesting, if a bit trite. There wasn't a whole lot of analysis - more just a compilation of anecdotes. The best part was finding out about just how UNsuccessful many now-successful women were at the age of 30...gives a girl hope, ya know?

[Aurora Shele · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 stars. 3 for the first part and 5 for the second part.
This was a really good book. Empowering and well researched. The first half was a bit dragging as I felt it told the same story over and over again but the message was clear. Whereas the generation before us blamed failure on the system, we women in today's world blame it on ourselves. Even though the book was written more 15 years ago, it is still true today. Reading other people's stories is very uplifting and encouraging. Wish I knew what these people are doing today.

[Lilia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great read. The book was written 10 years ago, but it couldn't be more applicable to 30 year old women today. We we're all brought up to believe that we can do anything, yet somehow we've taken that opportunity and transformed into a personal goal of "I have to do everything". This book brings so much great perspective from women who've lived a little longer than us and have some great life stories to share. I can't recommend it enough.

[Rosanna Y. de la Cruz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this when I was having a meltdown while working at a crazy company and had just turned 30. ery female in her 30s should read this if they are operating in corporate america

[Mariam · Rating 3 out of 5]

A collection of anecdotes and chats, an exchange of the authors’ and various women’s experiences. Interesting to read the different views, experiences and lifestyles and seeing how drastically our “life-plans” have changed. Other than that- wouldn’t put it on my “must-read” list.

[Kathryn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was intrigued by the premise of this book and it does put forth some good ideas, but overall I was disappointed and thought it could have been more substantive. Really, the book (the part written by the authors) only takes up the first half. The basic idea is that we've become too individualized and lost sight of the effectiveness of collective action and the importance of interdependence. Great. Yes. Good. But the second half of the book is made up entirely of oral histories. Some of them are impressive and inspirational, but they don't propose action towards increasing interdependence and promoting all women instead of just oneself. They merely tell stories of independent women who have become individually successful. I was especially disappointed by the placement of the final story. With no disrespect to the woman who lost her husband in 9/11, the fact that the authors chose to conclude their book with a paragraph containing this sentence ("We can all get back at the terrorists by living our lives more fully, without taking anything for granted.") shifts the blame for the state of our own perennially sexist, unsustainable society somewhere it does not belong.

[Nora · Rating 5 out of 5]

The modern "Feminine Mystique," this book is a must read for any woman in her late twenties/early thirties struggling with the concept of having it all - what does that look like? Can it really be achieved, and do I really want it? How does a partner/children/a career (and which career) fit into having it all? While the authors do not claim to have answers to these questions, as such would be unique to each reader, the first half of the book is dedicated to exploring the problems and the second half is filled with advice from women we should all admire.

[Douglas Lord · Rating 5 out of 5]

Macko and Rubin (both television news producers) eloquently capture the bewildering stresses and strains that middleclass American women aged 25 to 37 face in managing the often mutually exclusive arenas of career, kids, husband, and body. The authors maintain that women must move beyond the cultural expectations associated with contemporary “success” and achieve their own personal balance. In an intense, sometimes edgy tone, they focus on whether women can realistically “have it all,” all at once. Mentoring is provided via the personal stories of notable women; stories like Judy Blume’s cogent discussion of balance will have wide appeal, but others are rather unrealistic, as when Mary Matalin talks about her nanny. Read in conjunction with Sherene Schostak and Stefanie Iris Weiss’s Surviving Saturn's Return: Overcoming the Most Tumultuous Time of Your Life, this book provides much food for thought. The only drawback: it’s unnecessarily long.

Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.

[Soraya Nurfitria · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit confusing on the first chapters because it’s like reading a blog, a lot of opinions without any supporting facts.

But I kinda get the idea in the end that these are the examples of how 30 is not really the end for women, in fact most people have it after what they think is the end. It’s actually the beginning after the end.

It’s entertaining, although in the end, after I’m feeling better about entering 30, I lost interest to finish it, I read until 85% of the book.

[Ninalala5333 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lucky enough to have had coffee with Kerry, who, passionately enough about both journalism and feminism, told me not to let one thing take me over the others (!) As she wrote on my book, “Remember to trust yourself.”

[Katharine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think the mixed reviews are from people having different expectations. Reading this help me feel a lot less alone in some of the confusion I feel in my late 20s, and it showed me a lot of people with different paths.

[Kate Kirk · Rating 3 out of 5]

It spoke to what I've been feeling in profound ways, but it eventually felt like a compendium of other people's answers without meeting its potential.

[Kenia Perez · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book, realizing what so many women are facing in today's world: The conflict between What Has Changed and What Has Not Changed. There are unrealistic expectations for us to be superwomen - superimposed by both men and women, as well as ourselves. There is an expectation that because so many doors have opened, we shouldn't just aim to Have it All, we should want it - lest past feminist movements are wasted.

We all face the "Sequential Success Trap": Career THEN marriage THEN family - when in fact there is no such realistic order of things. You don't have to have accomplished all of that by your 30s, and you DON'T have to do things in that order.

We shouldn't have to give up family in order to strive in careers women wern't allowed in in generations past - but we don't have to hury up and find someone to marry so we can have kids, simply because we feel we should. The bottom line is that past generations of incredible women have certainly shattered glass ceilings that used to hold women back, and we should be grateful. But we shouldn't be grateful by doing what we think we SHOULD be doing. We need to be grateful by taking advantage of all the new opportunies that have opened up to us in today's world, marching to the beat of our own drum, and living life on OUR OWN terms!! Not those imposed by anyone else. :)

If that means being a stay-at-home mother, THEN pursuing a career, GREAT! If that means never pursuing a career, that's fine too! If you never want to have children, and are in love with your work, then Don't have kids just because people tell you you're 'running out of time'!! Want to be a Working Mother? Fabulous!!

There is no One Size Fits All, and there is no set forumla for Happiness.

[Sallie · Rating 4 out of 5]

June 25, 2007

Audience: college-educated women ages 25-37, middle-to-upper class bias

This book was a real inspiration to me. I imagine my reaction was in many ways analogous to the reactions of women reading Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique back in the day. That is no accident. The authors discuss Friedan’s “problem that has no name” when describing how they arrived their thoughts on this new generation’s own problem. They have called it the Midlife Crisis at 30.

In the first half, the authors discuss what is happening to college-educated women in America today as they reach age 30. (Published a few years ago, it is still relevant to women who are today in their mid-to-late 30s or even beyond.) This is a book for the women of Gen X and Gen Y. The idea is that we were raised with the message that we can have it all. Then our life trajectories bring us to a place around the age of 30 where we start to panic because, “Oh, my God, I’m supposed to have it all! And I only have this and that, but not the other!”

The second half of the book is filled with stories of real women – many of whom you have heard of, some of whom you haven’t. They are set forth as role models and mentors. Each two-to-four-page story describes where they were at age 30, where they are today, and why the authors consider them part of the “New Girls’ Club.” The most inspirational chapter to me was “Changing Direction: Deliberate Action, Definitive Results.” With all that’s going on in my life right now, those stories held great meaning for me.

If you are a professional woman – professional mothers included – age 25-37, I think you will find (at least) a piece of yourself in this book. I promise you will find yourself smiling, nodding, and thinking, “That is so me!”

[Marcella · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was at my local library about a week before my 30th birthday, and none of the books I had planned on checking out were actually on the shelves. I started walking up and down the aisles, browsing the stacks, and this title just jumped out at me. It was serendipity - this book addressed the exact concerns I was dealing with in my own life, and helped me realize that they are completely normal. The first half of the book breaks down the socio-economic-political trends that are leading to this crisis of purpose and identity that so women are having in their late twenties to early thirties. The second half of the book features the life stories of successful middle-aged women, who describe how their lives have changed since they were 30, and their advice for younger women. This section of the book was quite encouraging, since many of these women credited their happiness to having made changes in their lives that were very similar to my own recent decisions. This book helped me to find a new clarity of purpose and optimism.

[Dri · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very thought provoking book. The authors posit that women are having mid-life crises in their thirties similar to how men have mid-life crises in their fifties. Unlike previous generations when women generally marry in their early twenties, have children every two years, and stay at home; women now are expected to have everything together by the age of 30. The set of unreal societal expectations include having the dream career, finding the perfect man and marrying that man, and at the same time bearing children within a very short time frame. While the age of feminism have supposedly freed women from the kitchens, the structure of the workplace have not changed since the 1800s. The long hours of 40-hour work week are tortorous and unaccomodating to women with children. Career-minded women with children find themselves unable to compete in the workfield simply because of outdated laws and inadequate maternity leave and childcare. This book is offers great insight to the modern women dillemma.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anne-Marie Slaughter cited this book several times in her excellent article "Why women can't have it all", which appeared in the Atlantic last year - so I decided to read it as well. The writers cover the topic well, although I do think there is too heavy a bias on the working professional mother (as opposed to the married with no children or the single woman). In spite of that, the themes they research and discuss are important and new as of Generations X and Y. What is really outstanding about this book are the 1-page profiles of real-life women in different stages of their life, discussing where they were at 30, where they are today, and how they got there. I found myself dog-earing page after page... which I never do in a library book!
In short, there's a lot to get out of this book, albeit not necessarily from the authors themselves, but rather from the numerous and diverse stories they have collected of inspiring women.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was not what I expected - which might explain what it took me so long to get through it, returning to it again and again over the coming months. This book has had very mixed reviews - some calling it an insight into the Feminine Mystique others panning it for being almost meaningless tales of womens lives. I have to agree there were lots of anecdotes that, while on the surface did lend sway to the subject, most often felt somewhat gossipy and not always framed in a manner to allow the reader (we me, at any rate) to connect with.
I believe there is value in this book, perhaps it is worthy of a re-read, there are certainly relevant elements worth exploring, but it seems to me that this exploration needs to be driven by the readers rather than guided by the authors through the text,

[Rosa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I heard that this book got really good reviews from Amazon.com. This book is something that any female who is in their thirties that they can really relate to. I think that it is comforting to know that there are some well known females...when they look back when they were thirty, they were going through a tough stage of having gone through their twenties, being able to decide what is best for them in their early thirties. (Personally, this book is something that any female can relate to in the stage of being an early thirty-something, as you through this book carefully, have with you a box of tissues because this book will move you to tears..)

[KConaway · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good idea that never really comes completely together, but what I appreciated most was the idea that women of this generation are experiencing something unprecedented - that our must-dos (marriage, career, family) reach their critical point at exactly the same time.

Since the authors set out to write this book because they were motivated by their own career conflicts, I would have liked to have read a more thorough conclusion. Since most of the essays seem to be written by the same type of woman - NYC or big-city based woman in business - it was hard for me, a suburbanite in the field of teaching, to relate to their experiences.

[Erin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh.

The first half comforted me in that I'm not alone in my struggle to balance career and motherhood, and I'm not alone in that at 30 I feel like I'm at a crucial juncture in both paths.

The second half was just a bunch of personal narratives of women who have struggled with the same thing.

The first half was so stuffed with quotes of other people's research that it reminded me of a term paper where you don't really have a lot of your own original thought, so you fluff it with stats and quotes. For trying to be a "scientific" book, there were way too many typos to be acceptable.

In the end, I put it down and walked away. Not worth my time to finish.

[Emily · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I'm reading this, but then again, I'm pleasantly surprised at the quality of its content. Authors Macko and Rubin set out to put their personal experiences juggling the pulls of career and personal life into a larger context. One of their theses is that Generation X/Y girls, raised on the idea that they can be anyone and do anything, no longer work for systemic cultural or political change like their mothers, and instead blame themselves for failing to achieve everything they aspire to.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a very thought-provoking book for anyone in the age range toying with the issues of career and family. I read this book b/c of the article in the Atlantic entitled Women CAN'T have it all...or something to that effect. I think about this often and the article prompted me to not only think, but read about it! I would recommend this book to other women considering the same issues. Doesn't bring much clarity (not sure there will ever be any!) but does offer a differing perspectives which are useful for your own mental dialogue; or real dialogue with girlfriends!

[Kathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first half was really interesting, and raised questions in a way I hadn't considered. The second half was unnecessary in a lot of ways. The authors say that they don't have solutions and aren't going to provide them, but the second half of the books tries to be that anyway, printing very brief interviews with of people who've found a successful work around to the earlier issues raised. I would've enjoyed the book just as much if I'd stopped reading at the halfway point.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting perspective of how many factors in womens' lives seem to come together with a SMASH! at or around age 30.

I also really liked the diverse tales from successful women who've passed that milestone. It's a good reminder to take the long-view, and remember that we don't have to be managers with great careers and 2.5 kids and husbands and huge houses by age 30. We've got lots of time to explore lots of different aspects and paths..

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

loved it; my personal experience is disappointingly congruent with the scenarios portrayed in this book and it disappoints me. knowing i'm not alone is enough of a call to arms to realize i can engage in an 'end covert sexism coup' if i need to. thank you.

[Kristen · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very thought provoking book that everyone who's 29-40 should read. Reiterates that everybody lives life differently and its up to us to define our own successes. Particularly a good choice for those 29 year olds approaching 30 or 30 year olds who are wondering just where the time went and where they are supposed to go next.

[Kristi · Rating 1 out of 5]

Some points of interest, however i can't stand typos in a book! Written by journalists, not scholars--accessible and a quick read. Though i fail every standard of societal success, it's interesting to see what my cohorts are up to. Heh.