Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening

by Robert J. Meyers, Brenda L. Wolfe

Historically there have been few options available for individuals seeking help for treatment-resistant loved ones suffering from substance abuse.

Coauthor Dr. Robert Meyers spent ten years developing a treatment program that helps Concerned Significant Others (CSOs) both improve the quality of their lives and to learn how to make treatment an attractive option for their partners who are substance abusers. Get Your Loved One Sober describes this multi-faceted program that uses supportive, non-confrontational methods to engage substance abusers into treatment. Called Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT), the program uses scientifically validated behavioral principles to reduce the loved one's substance use and to encourage him or her to seek treatment. Equally important, CRAFT also helps loved ones reduce personal stress and introduce meaningful, new sources of satisfaction into their life.



Key Features CRAFT is more effective than other types of interventions. This breakthrough new system is sweeping the recovery field. This is its first introduction to the general public. Contains simple exercises readers can practice at their own pace, with no costly or heart-breaking interventions. Proven successful for numerous addictions, not just alcoholism. Author Highlights

Robert J. Meyers, Ph.D., is an Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of New Mexico. He is also the Associate Director of the Clinical Research Branch of the Center on Alcoholism Substance Abuse and Addictions (CASAA). CASAA is internationally known for its excellence in substance abuse research and treatment development. Dr. Meyers has workedin the substance abuse field for over 27 years and has published several books and dozens of articles.

Brenda L. Wolfe, Ph.D., is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in the treatment of Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse, and Post-Traumatic Stress. In addition to her busy private practice, Dr. Wolfe is involved in research collaborations at the University of New Mexico, serves as a corporate consultant for the development of psychologically based services, and is active in various professional organizations. Her books and articles have appeared in both the popular and professional press.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Addiction, Mental Health, Reference

240 pages, Paperback

Published December 12, 2003

Reviews

[Aubrey Waz-Grant · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is absolute trash. It seems to operate under the assumption that your loved one who drinks or uses can do anything and remain in your life. He gives “success stories” where the drinker rapes and abuses their spouse and when the spouse just changes their nagging behavior then the user stopped raping and beating their spouse, or did it less. When Kathy stopped nagging her husband to stop drinking and being mean to their children, her husband told her she was being “less of a pain recently”.

This book encourages people to stay in abusive and unsafe situations over and over and over.

If you only pull out the goal setting behaviors and understanding how sometimes it’s better to walk away than remain engaged in a fruitless argument then the book (maybe 20 pages total of that) could be helpful for someone.

Since the book doesn’t say it, I will - if you’re being raped and abused (physically or emotionally) you need to leave. You can love your partner/parent/child/friend but you changing your behavior to stop abuse isn’t reasonable. Save yourself and your children.

[Kaytee Wood · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life changing

This book was recommended to me in an addiction family support group and I’m so thankful. Even after reading the first few chapters my life started getting better. The biggest thing I’ve learned is that I can be happy even without changing my drinker. I learned new ways to approach the problem rather than just the fighting and yelling that leaves both of us upset. If you are researching this book, then this is clearly something you are struggling with. 10/10 recommend.

[Julia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't finish reading this book. While I can see that it would be helpful to a lot of people living with a loved one's addiction, it depends a lot on the degree of addiction and the relationship between the reader and the addict. It was not helpful for my specific situation.

[Angelica · Rating 1 out of 5]

Absolutely terrible in my opinion. I've been reading loads of books on the subject of alcoholism and also on the side of a loved one and how to cope. This practically makes the loved one (me) feel like they should walk around on eggshells and accept everything their alcoholic partner throws at them. I can't take this book seriously, at all. In my personal case, every time I've told my boyfriend that we shouldn't talk about certain things when he's drunk and we should wait for a better time, he goes mental and practically follows me around trying to get a rise out of me and start an argument. The book doesn't reach those levels and seem to focus more on shiny happy alcoholics, rather than the Jekyll and Hyde of Binge Drinking Alcohol Abuse. I read precisely 48% of the book and if it wasn't on my Kindle, I would have happily thrown it in the trash. I'm sure it may work for some, but I see it as unrealistic and also putting yet even more stress and pressure on the loved one, who might already be at their wits end.

[Kevin · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an educator, I'm well versed in "behavior modification" and "behavior interventions", but I didn't know how to apply these psychology concepts to specifically helping support a loved one's addiction. This guide is an outstanding, easy to understand, easy to use application of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), designed with the family/friends of the addict in mind as well as the addict. A quote from the book, "Historically there have been few options for those individuals seeking help for treatment-resistant loved ones suffering from substance abuse. Most treatment options either focus exclusively on helping the concerned family member take care of him- or herself or helping him or her talk the user into treatment. In fact, there have been very few programs designed to teach family and friends (we call them Concerned Significant Others, or CSOs) how to encourage their substance abusers to enter treatment. Moreover, until now, there have been no programs that help the CSO take care of him- or herself and teach him or her how to get the drinker into treatment." This book will support a CSO doing both of these things. Although the case studies demonstrate the methods with married couples and/or domestic partnerships, the same methods can be applied to any close loved one such as a sibling, parent, child, or close friend. The "CRAFT" method detailed in this book can be used by itself or in conjunction with other support such as Al-Anon. Lastly, the methods presented in this book have been scientifically proven to be the most effective of any methods being used currently.

[Arianne Padilla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Been thumbing my way through this one for a few weeks. While I didn't follow the activities specifically, I did find a lot of the advice and tips extremely helpful. It felt sometimes like it was geared toward someone dealing with a life partner, so that was a little tricky for my situation. I'll definitely be referring back to my highlights and would recommend this to anyone who has a loved one dealing with addiction.

[Mark Manderson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Started out strong and then trailed off.
Top take away is the MAP method which is summarized by:
The MAP:
1. Learn their using triggers. Reasons for using such as events, thoughts, and feelings (such as stress at work, nervous, complains)
2. Learn using signs (speaks louder, jaw clenched, complaints.)
3. Establish/recognize the consequences, both bad and good. (Miss work, loss of pleasure, no sex.)

[Michelle Dawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title of this book turned me off initially. However, the content is easy-to-understand and research-based. It’s a great resource for those who have a loved one struggling with addiction. The skills taught are based on the community reinforcement approach to addiction treatment (behavioural therapy). Some people will really struggle with the suggestions offered, I get that, but this may just be the fresh perspective and approach needed for some families.

[Rita Slanina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I utilized a lot of the tools in this book but at the end of the day, my loved one wasn't ready to get sober on his own. This book made me feel good about doing the work on the spouses part and not making it just a "he" thing but its our relationship problem his addiction was but it was also enlightening to see that I can only do so much and try I did!

[DeAnn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think it is important for family and loved ones to be a part of the healing process. Although this book makes it sound so easy, the tools they share are effective. They helped with my son and our communication. Although not nearly as easy as their examples. Addiction is hard! But we all need to learn and grow as it is a family disease.

[Miss Murder · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not much to say because this was a work-related read as well 🤷🏻‍♀️. Overall has some good points and a unique premise turning back on the individuals surrounding someone with a substance use disorder, but don’t love some of the terminology and phrasing. Will use in my work in the future, though.

[Justine · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not a really liked kind of book because of the subject matter - but definitely helpful. would absolutely recommend to any one dealing with an loved one with an alcohol problem

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was recommended to me - if felt like the scenarios presented were pretty trite. That said, I appreciate the focus being on what the spouse/adult/parent of the addict can do, rather than just wishing or banging one's head against the wall over and over. I just wish it were written in a different style (didn't connect for me). For me, reading a different book on boundary setting was more helpful - gets at same idea of *I CAN MAKE CHANGES FOR ME* and *I CAN COMMUNICATE MY NEEDS TO THE OTHER PERSON LOVINGLY*, but for me a different book was more helpful.

[Jerry Manney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Proven intervention that helps alcohol and drug users get treatment 74% of the time.
Research shows that treatment for alcohol and drug problems work and has similar first year results to diseases like diabetes, asthma, and high blood pressure! Get Your Loved One Sober: alternatives to nagging, pleading and threatening, is a compassionate scientifically validated approach that helps family members in most cases influence—not force—a loved one to get help. It also helps family members reduce their own anxiety, depression, anger, and physical concerns. This is truly a ground breaking book.

[Sue Mosher · Rating 3 out of 5]

This may work for some, but I felt it put too much responsibility for the outcome on the person is NOT the alcoholic. The alcoholic needs to take responsibility for themselves and be ready to change for it to work and, too often, that is not the case. I hope this program will work for at least some people, though. It's such a difficult situation to be in.

[Natasha Ray · Rating 3 out of 5]

From 2003, the examples are outdated and not realistic. Most of the advice is good and timeless. I really only benefited from the later chapters. I will recommend it unless I find a more current book that has the same information - I'm still beginning my Al-Anon research journey.

[Holley Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great alternative way to handle loved ones with mental health issues. Although it talks about addiction, it can be applied to other issues families face. It is easy to read and walks you through different exercises to help you put the lessons into action.

[Anita · Rating 3 out of 5]

No sobriety yet

[Karla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent summary of the CRAFT method and it's uses. Well-researched and written.

[Cameo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Unsure…

[Marisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Had to read for class

[Bill Gebhards · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book, not only as a help to those who have loved ones with alcohol or substance abuse problems, but also in setting forth a step-by-step plan to use cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to take care of themselves and work to affect change in anyone.

Only the abuser can decide to change. This book shows very clearly how to increase the likelihood that the abuser decides to make that decision.

[Phil James · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book for work as I am already trained in Community Reinforcement Approach which the basis for this book. This book shows you how to use the principles of CRA with family members when their loved on is not coming to therapy. Well laid out and easy to read it is a perfect, proven self help book for the loved ones of those who misuse drugs or alcohol.

[Roxanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

easy to read, guide to living with a person who has problems with drink or drugs

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

Logical, practical advice. Depending on your situation, some chapters will apply more than others. It's well worth the read and the time it takes to go through the activities and write them down.