The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression, and the Conversations We Aren't Having

by JoEllen Notte, Stephen Biggs (Foreword)

Almost everyone has had some interaction with depression. Whether it's you, a family member, a friend, or a partner who is affected, depression has the potential to touch us all. Even so, many of us don't know how to handle depression becoming part of our love life and it can quickly become the monster under the bed. From "you have to love yourself first," to "don't stick it in the crazy," to dead silence, popular responses to the topic leave much to be desired. But you're not alone and you can have successful relationships and satisfying sex with depression. JoEllen Notte will help you understand how sexual function is affected by depression and what keeps us from effectively addressing it. Heavily informed by the author's research, including surveys of over 1,000 people and interviews with close to 200, this is the first book of its kind. With practical tips and real-life examples, this is both a guidebook for people with depression and the people who love them, as well as a reference tool for mental health professionals.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Sexuality, Self Help, Mental Health, Relationships, Health

265 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 27, 2020

About the author

JoEllen Notte is a certified sex educator, writer, speaker, and mental health advocate. She blogs at The Redhead Bedhead and has been published by the BBC, Glamour, Bitch Media, xoJane, and Kinkly.

Her books include The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression, and the Conversations We Aren't Having (2020) and In It Together: Navigating Depression with Partners, Friends, and Family (2023)

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a sexuality professional—and someone who has lived with depression for over 15 years—I can say with confidence that The Monster Under the Bed is the most comprehensive resource on sex and depression I have personally come across. Through personal anecdotes and the results of her research, Notte clearly and accessibly conveys strategies for navigating sex and mental health. I highly recommend this book to people with depression, their partners, and health care providers looking to provide deeper support to patients.

I received an ARC of this book.

[Elle Chase · Rating 5 out of 5]

With, The Monster Under the Bed, JoEllen Notte has created a classic for the mental health, sexuality and self-help communities that will likely be recommended reading for years to come. JoEllen’s comprehensive and well-informed research is used to prove her point, that those that struggle with mental health aren’t broken AND they deserve healthy relationships and pleasurable sex lives. Easy to read, accessible and peppered with humor, JoEllen weaves her own experiences through the book deftly and in a way that by the time you’ve finished her book, you haven’t just learned some things, but you feel you’ve made a new friend.

[CR · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you suffer from depression then this is the book for you. It gives wonderful information about dealing with all aspects of depression, sex, and of course the conversations you aren't having with your partner. I really enjoyed the tips that the author gives and the work throughs so others understand. As well as giving you the tools to be open about how you feel etc.

[Gigi Engle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! Easy to read and very informative. I learned a lot.

[Zach · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love it. Sex positive, non-mono normative, real life advice about being sexually available to a partner(s) while navigating mental illness. I LOVED the discussion about medications and how the affect libido. It feels SO GOOD to read about a phenomenon and feel SEEN by the author. Great discussion, very revealing. Helpful. I'll keep it close in my future career as a sex positive therapist/counselor.

[Sage · Rating 5 out of 5]

Monster Under the Bed is a game-changer. It's a book I wish I had sooner and yet I'm grateful I read it when I did. The book dispels myths around sex, mental health, and their intersection.

I personally find Chapter Four ("Worst Third Wheel Ever") and Chapter Six ("Your Team in Action") to be most helpful. They provide eye-opening insight that helped me make sense of how depression and resentment played roles in my past relationships. I was already well-versed in the sex education side of things — and for people that aren't, the book provides MANY resources for addressing specific sex problems.

I appreciate the inclusion of facts such as sometimes depression can result in an increased sex drive. Monster Under the Bed also discusses medication side effects that impact sexual desire and sexual function, and how to handle discussing those topics with your doctor.

As JoEllen Notte says in the intro, she is not a sex therapist, and even so, I have full confidence and respect for her expertise and qualifications to provide this information. Stephen Briggs, a psychologist who wrote the foreword, expresses the same sentiment.

For those of us that have bipolar disorder, I will add that this book does not cover the impact that mania has on sex, as that is not the author's personal experience. That said, Monster Under the Bed is an invaluable resource. It made me realize I'm not broken and still completely worthy of love.

[Sara Testarossa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A valuable, helpful resource on sex and depression. This book is written in an accessible style, and with compassion and humor. It includes both descriptions of how depression (and treatments for it) can affect people's sex lives, and practical suggestions for people struggling as a result. All of this is informed by research, data collection, and interviews, and not just attempts at one size fits all solutions. I highly recommend The Monster Under the Bed to anyone whose depression or depression treatment negatively affects their sex lives, and to their partners.

[Nigel · Rating 5 out of 5]

She goes on to say the monster under the bed is depression and there're sex pills or drugs one could use, or polygamy, she goes on to say the best way to improve one's sex is it to read.

I was like I heard that, I read lots. 📚

I also hear out of all the psychedelics experiences is sex, entertainment, or drugs and alcohol.... reading was rated the most pleasurable out of it all.

So wisdom comes 🙌 🙏 ✨️ pick up a 📖 📕 📘 📗 📓 📚 book.

[Melanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve never felt more seen or heard by a book. This book is amazing - 1. for understanding anyone with depression and trying to grasp at how you can be a good friend/partner/family member/acquaintance for them. 2. then, for understanding how depression, medication, etc. can impact sexuality and sex and paths to help.

Really great read. Engaging, smart, conversational.

[Jayson · Rating 5 out of 5]

JoEllen really captured the thoughts and issues people are experiencing when they don’t or feel they can’t talk about relationships and sexual issues. I encourage you to challenge yourself and the depression you are dealing with, and start by reading this book.

[Emma S · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great tool for anyone with mental illness that's struggling to reframe their perspectives around intimacy and sex, I recommend this book to people all the time.

[Erica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I previously read In It Together and was blown away by the information and honesty provided by this author. This one did not disappoint.

I read this over the weekend - underlining what stood out me - learning all about the information that this author gathered through her surveys. I have included a few here:

A quote included from Talinda Bennington, wife of Chester Bennington, after she shared a video of him shortly before his death:

"I'm showing this so that you know that depression doesn't have a face or mood."

And this quote:

"People are works in progress and some of us will never be 'done.'"

While this is a book about sex and depression, honestly there is a lot of great information on interacting with someone who lives with depression - it provides so much insight.

What is so important about this book is that the author doesn't claim that it will solve all your problems or that these solutions will work for everyone. She is merely sharing from her own experiences and including resources she wished she had access to on her own journey.

It is set up with quick easy to read chapters and moves from learning about depression and sex and then touches on ideas of how to approach it. I learned a great deal and it will be a great reference for the future.

If you have ever had depression or know anyone who does, this book is can be invaluable.

Thank you again to Thornapple Press for gifting me a copy of this book!!!

[Beverly Diehl · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars. This book addresses the intersection between two areas people are often not comfortable discussing: sexuality and depression (I'd add in other mental illnesses as well, like bipolar disorder).

But we NEED to talk about them. When we don't, what is unsaid or assumed often damages relationships between well-meaning people who WANT them to succeed.

Surviving - battling depression while sacrificing one's sexuality is not an acceptable compromise (for those who want to be sexual). Supporting a partner who is Depressed doesn't mean patiently waiting for things to get back to "normal."

The tone of this book is chatty and conversational, but it is chock full of research and personal anecdotes. If you have Depression, or love someone who does, this work should be on your bookshelf.

[Cherise Goode · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tackling two of societies most popular yet suppressed topics - sex and mental health. ~Foucault’s The History of Sexuality anyone?~This book reads more like a memoir than nonfiction/ self help, folding in guidance to both the person experiencing depression and guidance to their partner along the way. The author clearly worked through a negative relationship before writing this book, which is called out many times, so it’s important to remember that much of the book is a reaction to the authors experience. Although I was thinking about rating this with a 3, part of what gave it 4 stars is the way it reads like a conversation and captivates your attention. A quick read that does a good job tackling a very complex subject through some personal reflection and tactical guidance.

[Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Maybe I should give it 4 stars because it's a little repetitive in the first half, but I'm giving it 5 anyway. Bravo for writing a book about both depression and sex that is relatable and readable. It's a great read for a partner who doesn't understand depression, basic info without being boring or clinical, and since it's from a writer who understands, it's practical. And it's a great and quick read for those who have depression because it's a reminder that you aren't alone and that someone gets it.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely worth reading for anyone who has depression or their partners. Has some generic depression advice (Try to eat better! Do things that comfort you!) but the sex advice was helpful and interesting. I also thought the advice for partners of people with depression was very good and not something I have heard before.

[Abby Thompson · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some good tools and approaches to supporting a partner with depression but not enough content was applicable to me to keep me interested the entire time. The portion of the book that spoke of sex was the last third. It felt short based on the way the book was sold to be about sex and depression.

[Melissa Barnes · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really appreciate her frank feedback on how it feels to have depression, what it feels like when people try to "help" or treat you like you are "on hold" as a person until you are "cured" or "normal" again, when depression can be a life long struggle.

I think there are practical tidbits on how to address sexual issues with doctors and partners and it can certainly give hope.

[Elizabeth]

As heard on Depresh Mode with John Moe -
https://afp-9384.calisto.simplecastau...

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I usually have a very hard time when it comes to reading non-fiction, but this book was very easy to read and full of good information. My thanks to the author for shedding light on such an important and often ignored topic.

[Randi · Rating 3 out of 5]

It wasn't quite the book I expected it to be. It wasn't bad, just not what I thought. Not the book's fault!

[JL · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book! Anyone dealing with any of these issues will get something out of this book. I listened to it on audible. Highly recommend.

[Ash Hitch · Rating 2 out of 5]

some helpful tips for people who have depressed partners, nothing revolutionary and a bit dry.